The Wrong Fork

To all who care, I attended our paraprofessional staff end of the year banquet this past Friday. It was relatively formal (I needed to borrow Tony's clothes) and there was a nice dinner prepared for us and stuff. Well, to make a long story short, Kristen won paraprofessional staff member of Patapsco and RA of the year, and I won the paraprofessional staff member of Potomac and Community Developer of the year. It was very cool, and very prestigious for both of us. I guess we know what hall breeds the coolest people for sure now! Anyway, everybody needs to console Kristen because she is insanely jealous of my award so if you see her on the streets, just say "I'm sorry." She'll know what you mean, and she'll appreciate it.

Well, the coolest part of the night was the dinner that we got. It was very good, and they had lots of glasses and forks that I didn't know what to do with. Anyway, I got some chicken and a salad and cheesecake, and lemon cake, and blah, blah, blah. I started eating and after like my second bite, I peaked at Heather and she was using a different kind of fork to eat her salad. Well, I found out I was using the wrong fork already...

Quote Of the Day 4/30/98

Me: "Damnit. I'm on my second bite and I already started using the wrong fork."
Hassan: "That's OK. I already ate my cake."


And I think he used the salad fork to do it too.


Love, the wrong fork, and made-up awards,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Accidentally De Niro and The Sourest Taboo

Hey guys. The coolest thing happened the other day. There's this group of about three or more people from the men's varsity soccer team that yell out of their window in Potomac every time they see me something like "Hey you pink-hatted faggot!" They're still pissed that I caught them drinking alcohol back in early September. Anyway, they're jerks and the only time I really hear from them is through an open window. Well, last Thursday, I was walking back from the Fieldhouse to my dorm and just as I passed a grouping of trees, I heard from a distance the words "Nice hat jerky!" or something like that. I looked down toward them, who happened to be walking toward me, and I stared for a while because I couldn't tell who it was. Well, I thought I recognized one of them as Evil Joe. So I jokingly said back to him "Are you talking to ME?" They said "What?", so again I said louder and more like De Niro "Are YOU talking to ME?" They began to stumble over their words and said "No, it was some other guy back there" pointing behind them and trying to be funny. It was then that I noticed that it was those three jerk-offs that always harass me on the way into Potomac. So, seeing this, I said "I didn't think so" and continued on my way. It was great. I stood up to those fuckers and they backed down. I mean it was an accident and everything, but it's still cool. So if you see Ryan Cuomo around campus, go up to him, mock him, and give him one hard, swift kick in the nuts for me.

The game of Taboo can be very fun, but also, very personal. Back in the beginning of the school year, there was a night where a bunch of us all started playing Taboo. I didn't know Russ or Aaron very well, and I was on their team. A lot of things went over my head, like when Russ would say "You have a clay one above the faucet on your sink in the powder room upstairs next to a statue of Elvis and the cantaloupe" I would really have no idea what to say. Well, it was Russ' turn again, and he started going and looking right at Aaron...

Quote Of the Day 4/29/98

Russ (to Aaron): "You're one! And I'm one!"
Me (to Russ): "Am I one?"
Russ (to me): "I don't know! Maybe!"


The word was "virgin." And man, did Aaron beat the snot out of Russ after the game.


The sourest taboo,
Spud. (pronounced spuh-day)


Still Standing Right Here...

Nice Sac

I was out playing a men's softball game the other day, and for those of you that don't know, if there's a guy on third, and less than two outs, and the batter hits the ball into the outfield and gets out, but the runner reaches home on the play, it's called a sacrifice fly. Now, I probably didn't need to tell more than about 10 people on the list that, but now you know. OK. So somebody's on third and Josh does just that. On his way back to the dugout, I says to him "Nice sac, Josh." Then I felt the need to clarify that I was referring to his recent hit, not his, well, sack. He still stayed kinda far away from me for the rest of the game.

This quote came during a volleyball game last year from a fellow fifth year RA. And this guy isn't even graduating yet, so I'm really jealous. But anyway... We were talking about our fellow intramural volleyball teams (he captains his team also), and he was telling me about this freshman that hadn't shown up to the first few games because he had class, but it turns out, he was really good. Well, here's this RA's take on that kind of player...

Quote Of the Day 4/28/98

"You don't be hittin' the ball that hard and be talkin' about classes and shit..."
-Hal (the other 23-year old RA)

When People Don't Believe You're Not Gay

OK. Here's the story in its necessary entirety: My freshman year, I was just learning how the whole "e-mail" thing worked. Hell, I didn't even know what a double-click was until I got to college. The most updated computer I have at home is a Commodore 64 and I'm not sure it responds to any command other than "load jumpmanjr,8,1." Anyway, I was subscribed to this massive e-mail list called "UM-list" which went to every recent graduate and faculty of my high school that had e-mail. We mostly talked about the Phillies and sent stupid forwards back and forth. Well, I was about to respond to an e-mail and had already started to type the message when I had to pee REALLY bad. John was in the room and I know he has this playful nature about him, and he's a pretty clever guy on top of that. So I told him to promise me that he wouldn't do anything, but I still didn't trust him. So I peed with the bathroom door open. I tried to peak around at him once to make sure he wasn't doing anything, but I peed all over the seat and the floor, so I had to really concentrate on the peeing thing for the next 30 seconds, and just hope he wouldn't do anything in that time. Well, I flushed, pulled up my shorts and ran back into the room to find John sitting in the same place he was when I peaked around the corner to see him. I figured he hadn't done anything, but when I checked the computer, I saw that I had just sent a message that I knew I didn't just send. So I looked at it, and sure enough, it was a message to everybody I ever knew from high school who had e-mail saying that I was gay. I quickly responded to the message telling everybody what had happened, but before I had got done typing, my track coach had already written me back telling me it was OK. That aggravated me even more. So I finished the message and sent it. The following day, I had gotten a message from my guidance counselor to the effect of, well, she thought my second message was sent because I regretted coming out in the first one. Anyway, I had to really prove to her that I liked girls, and John (ex-quote MVP and mega-putzoid) was going to pay. So I sent her those naked pictures I had of her daughter and me. That solved some problems but caused a few others.

Well, there it is. That's what happened my freshman year. John responded to the e-mail I sent about Joe saying something to the effect of "See, wasn't that fun?" And I have to admit that it was. And Joe, I have to compliment you on your retaliation. It was pretty funny. But my God! Take a freakin' English class or something. Or did you write that in some computer code you know, because I couldn't understand certain parts of that at all.

OK, this quote came from when we were playing this board game that Suzanne has called Gender Gap or something. Well, one of the questions was something about which bra would give women the most support? After everybody guessed, I said jokingly...

Quote Of the Day 4/27/98

Me: "I would think being naked would help."
Kathryn: "Being naked does nothing for you."
Desk Dude Ed: "It does something for me."


Ed being naked does surprisingly very little for me.


Don't marry for sex. You can rent it cheaper.
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Evil Joe is Gay Saga

> From Evil Joe's email account - to whom, I have no idea:

Guys, I really don't know how else to say this than to come straight out and say it, but I'm gay. That's all. I hope you still invite me to play soccer.

Love, mineral water, and limp wrists,
Evil Joe.


Still Standing Right Here...

---

> Again, from Evil Joe's email account:

hey guys, this is joe (evil joe). i just want to appoligize for the horrible scary that dustin just put everyone through(especially all you ladies out there). dustin went to my room and noticed that i was still loged in and decided to do something stupid. i'm going to let you guys in on a little fact that he tuned me in on a couple weeks ago. please don't anyone tell him that i told you because he is really emotional about it. dustin is actually a women. i think he sent that e-mail so everyone would be tuning in on me instead of him when he went worldwide about his being a women. again, i apologize for his actions, but you really should forgive him. it must be really hard pretending to be a guy for all this time.

peace, love, and soccer balls,

the polish prince



.....still kicking dustin's ass right here

---

> From my email account, to my normal QOTD email list:

OK guys. I'm sorry about that last message, but boy was the response really funny. If I offended anybody (other than Joe himself), I'm sorry. But you should have seen the people coming up to him the following day asking him about that message. He promised to kick me in the nuts for every person that came up to him today inquiring about his sexual orientation. It's up to six now. Oh, and by the way, I'm not really a woman. Actually, I'm not really a human. I'm a duck. I'm just really tall. And Joe isn't really gay, if you guys haven't caught on yet. But he does have a very small penis. At least that's what Russ told me.

This little thing we call "quote" came over Spring Break last month. Good Joe, Bad Mike, and Neutral Dustin were driving to somewhere I can't remember right now and they asked me about graduation. Or maybe they didn't, it's not important right now. Anyway, the following conversation ensued...

Quote Of the Day 4/24/98

Dustin: "I'm graduating May 26th... I think."
Mike: "You think the 26th, or you think you're graduating?"



Actually, I'm pretty sure it's the 26th.


Love, teeny weenies, and webbed-feet,
Extendo-duck.


Still Standing Right Here...

Things That Are Black

Well, I guess I'm only really calling it the quote of the "day" out of tradition now. But play along, won't you. It will be a lot less painless for all of us and it may possibly improve your backhand. I played volleyball today in a sort of non-competitive setting (no pun intended) for the first time in a long while. And by non-competitive, I mean these guys thought you got to take the serve over if it hit the net on the way over. And they weren't really proficient at anything, but they didn't even understand that you could use the "three hits per side" rule to your advantage. And on one particular play, the ball was up in the air somehow and right above my head. I was going to roll it over the net when some dude from the back row came up and jumped on me to hit the ball over. I gave him a funny, relatively disapproving look and he looked at me and said "It's OK." Like he wasn't mad at me or anything, thank God. Well, I'm glad he wasn't upset at me for getting in the way of his randomly flailing limbs. Well, anyway, the day as a whole reminded me of just how lucky I am to have two opposable thumbs. (Don't read into that any, it doesn't have any other meaning.)

This quote comes from the guy who just gave me a computer yesterday. I want each and every one of you to kiss Don on the lips or at least pinch his butt every time you see him from now on for putting a computer together for me out of his old parts. That reminds me, I got a new free yahoo e-mail account that I'll be able to use over the summer, so e-mail stuff to me on that account if you can, guys. And let me know if you'll be on e-mail over the summer too. Well, my address is ScreamingCricket@yahoo.com.  I can't freakin' believe Extendo was taken. What kind of a bastard has that name? Well, I'm going to mail him and find out. And if he doesn't have a cool answer to how he got the name, I'm going to mail dump him until his account gets closed on him. Then I'm going to steal his name, the prick. Oh, and also, Fathead was taken too! I can't believe there are people out there with names as stupid as mine. Well, anyway, we were playing Scattergories earlier last semester and Don was in the game. There are two subjects in a row on one of the category cards: "cars," and "things that are black." The letter was "L." We all read off what kind of car we had, Lamborghini, Lexus, Lincoln... and Don didn't say anything. We got to things that are black and Don said "limo." To this, Tony asks what he had down for cars...

Quote Of the Day 4/23/98

"Oddly enough, I couldn't think of any."
-Donald (not the duck)



That's OK Don. I couldn't think of a "country bordering the US" that started with "C."


Searching for the evil yahoo name bandit,
Good Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Worms and Asphyxia

Well, it's that time of the semester again. The time where I realize what is really important in my life and so other trivial things like quote of the day, my RA job, and schoolwork fall by the waist side as I try to conquer every intramural sport and get Extendo over Groucho in the top ten worm rankings before Joe takes his computer back home for the summer. And I only have a month to do it! Better get cracking. On a slight side note, a bunch of us went to King's Dominion yesterday and it was great! Better than Cats by a longshot! They strapped Tony, Joe and me into this bungee like hammock contraption and raised us 152 feet in the air and dropped us and let us swing around for a while. It was awesome! The funniest part was that Evil Joe, Mr. Testosterone, whining like a little 10-year-old schoolgirl the whole time. About 40 feet off the ground he tried to reach over and grab my pull switch. Everybody is allowed to call him a pansy now.

OK. This quote came when I was reading a few sex statistics that I had gotten over e-mail for a program I did last semester. I was reading them out loud to Tony, Russ and Suzanne. There was one statistic that said that over 500 Americans die every year from asphyxia (lack of oxygen to the brain), because they were trying to get a better orgasm. To this, Tony says...

Quote Of the Day 4/18&19/98

"OK, raise your hand if you still don't believe in natural selection."
-Tone-Def



Russ raised both of his hands.


Looking for the next best thing,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Hour Man

Hey everybody! Don't forget to set your clocks ahead. That’s right, you lose an hour of sleep tonight. Actually, you lose an hour of playing worms, more likely. And you should have actually set it back already. Last night at 2:00 AM. And I don't know if you guys have heard this, but this is the last year that we'll have to set our clocks ahead and back and stuff. The government is instead, going to make the sun rise half an hour later this July. Starting then, it will be re-regulated every week, and we'll hardly even notice after the first month. Of course, once the asteroid hits us, I imagine that we'll have to change our clocks by hand again, until they get things sorted out. The coolest thing happened actually when we were supposed to set our clocks ahead. I was working the desk from midnight until 4AM and first of all, it was only 3 hours. That was a kinda neat revelation. But even cooler than that, I found out that I get paid for the entire four hours of it. (I don't know why, that's just what they told me to write in the payroll.) So that hour in time existed for me, according to Residential Life. While everybody else either lost an hour of sleep, or work, or socializing during that missing hour, I lived it. That's right. I was the only person on the planet not affected by the time change. I lived an hour more than everyone else on Saturday. I am "HOUR MAN!"

OK. While I was working the desk, this girl called me up at about 12:30 to ask if today was the day we set our clocks forward. To this, in my new stage of hour man bliss, I answered, "Yep, officially, at 2:00, we're supposed to set them ahead to 3." Now I swear to God she actually answered this...


Quote Of the Day 4/3/98

"Well, what if I'm not awake at two?"
-Some smart-challenged girl


I had to resist the urge to say everything I wanted on the grounds that I would have possibly gotten fired. "Sorry, then you'll just have to be an hour behind for the next six months."


An hour older, an hour dumber,
Hour Man.


Still Standing Right Here...

Actual Spring Break

Hi everybody. I'm back again after a small hiatus in PA. "Hiatus," at least the way I use it, means "week-long nap." And while I was away, as some of you may have noticed if you tried to send me anything, my quota exceeded the disk space again. I'm going to actually have to start deleting all that old mail I'm never going to have a chance to read again anyway. I don't know why I kept half that crap in the first place. Well, none of this is really any of your concern. Our little soccer team beat the Century Club last night. It's always fun shutting those cocky little bastards up. Except they were good sports about it last night. That pissed me off. I wanted to be pissed at them. Oh, well. I'll get over it. But I won't get over that shot that hit me right in the freakin' face. I don't know if you guys have ever seen an indoor soccer ball, but it's like a hardened, overgrown tennis ball. Well, picture one of those hitting you in the face at 60 mph. My nose will be itching for days. Oh well, I showed him. At least that's what I was thinking as I picked the fuzz from my nostrils.

Well, this quote came from Yelnick Lance Khannover when I went home for break. Him, Good Joe, and I were driving somewhere and he starts talking about our break and how late it is. He commutes to West Chester and had his break like two or three weeks ago. Joe goes to GMI Engineering School in Flint, Michigan, and hadn't even left to start his Spring semester yet, but he's different. Anyway, Mike was talking about me being home on break and he turns to me and says...

Quote Of the Day 4/2/98

"Your Spring Break is kinda late... It actually coincides with Spring."
-Mike "Kubla" Conover


And Joe's coincides with summer. The whole 3-day weekend of it.


Still surrounded by idiots,
Extendo.


P.S.- Yesterday (4/1) was Evil Joe's birthday, but you are allowed to hit him up until midnight tonight. So if you see him today, beat the everlivin' piss out of him for me. And everybody else he's ever pissed off.


Still Standing Right Here...