I Hate Fuckin Brick Street

I Hate Fuckin Brick Street

I hate fuckin Brick Street. If any of you out there are really my friends, you won't make me go back there again. Like next time I'm at a party and somebody says "let's go to Brick Street," I'm just gonna go jogging or something. Something healthy. First of all, don't ever anyone try to defend going there by saying "I want to go dancing." Because that's not dancing. I've seen dancing and that's not it. That is holding a bottle of beer and spinning around. And those are just the classy people. The majority of the "dancers" there do what is closer to an erect form of lap dance (yes, I'm aware of the double meaning). It's not dancing. It's a mating ritual. And I can't stand guys that do this gay ass dance probably started by a movie with Vince Vaughn and/or Will Ferrell. The one where they grab their foot with one hand and the back of their head with the other and gyrate back and forth as if they're getting punched in the stomach and subsequently hit in the spine with a baseball bat over and over very quickly. This is probably closer to dancing than those girls who put their hands on their knees and move their booty around in concentric circles, but at least they give me something to look at. Does anybody out there see a guy do this dance and go "Sweet! That guy is cool!" Because I can't picture anybody I know who wouldn't want to hit the guy in the knee with a 4 iron. I just wanted to go up to this guy and just shove him. If it didn't knock him over and hurt him, at least he'd have to break form and stop doing that. There was this girl who was kind of attractive that I was thinking about going over to talk to since we shared the commonality of having friends out there who were "dancing" while we were sitting in booths wondering if we should just walk all the way home again or wait and hope that maybe somebody we know might leave soon and end this debacle. Then this guy comes over and does that retarded seizure dance and actually starts talking to the girl. And then they started making out. God, I hope he knew her because if that shit worked, I'm packing and leaving this stupid town tomorrow cause I don't have a shot. I mean I can do the seizure shuffle (this is the dance's new name), but I will never stoop to those tactics. I have too much pride in whatever actual ability I have to dance. So in case you have never been there, Brick Street is one straight up grindfest. And normally I'm too annoyed, sober or outnumbered to spin my game while there. I think I actually may be passed the days where going to clubs and grinding on college girls is the thing for me to do. Or maybe I'm passed the days where they'll let me. Either way, I think I'm passed the days. If you just look at the crowd from the upper level, it's like one organism. One giant horny organism. And I liken the chicks that go there to bees. They go from flower to flower, never satisfied with just one, until they get drunk enough to let the flower they pass out in to take her home and play with her stinger (too far?). Next time I go there (in case I don't have running shoes with me), I'm covering myself in pollen. I think that's my best shot. If nothing else, it will be something to remember the night by. Other than me walking home alone in the pouring rain writing this little diatribe in my head. Maybe the next day I'll run into some girl who will be like "Hey, you're that guy from Brick Street who covered himself in pollen, right? Cool." They say there's no such thing as bad publicity. I'll prove them wrong.

Where the hell was I? Ah, fuck it.

Quote of the Day 8/14/06

"Being single is like Bridge, no one knows how to play and old people are always giving you some skewed version based on what they think they remember."

-Sisfish (the real one)

Somebody call me if you want to go watch a movie Friday night. Or sit down and have an actual intelligent conversation.

Boycotting fun for a week,

Pollen Man.

Still Standing Right Here…

The Dangers of Day Camp

The Dangers of Day Camp

I got to work yesterday morning to find a loving note from my buddy Claire saying simply “sorry I broke your glasses.” I was touched. Especially when I had a very sincere conversation with her later that day in which she tenderly told me that her dad made her do it. But deep down, I know she didn’t really mean it. And so I was out at lunch with the kiddies again and Mikala called me over to witness their little sorority meeting. They were going through the rules of their sorority. “Rule number one – we don’t talk to Dustin. Rule number two – we REALLY don’t talk to Dustin. Rule number three – we REALLY REALLY don’t talk to Dustin. Rule number four…” By the seventh rule, I started to get the pattern. I decided standing there getting ridiculed by 10-year old girls wasn’t the best use of my time. And so I started playing with the boys. Their games were very straight forward. They were grabbing me by the feet and trying to make me drag them across the yard. I finally broke myself loose and inevitably it turned into a spirited game of Get Mr. Dustin. This is a game where I run away from the kids and they chase after me. I generally always lose this game one way or another. I can play Dante Hall in the yard and fend them off for a decent amount of time, but all it takes in one kid to catch up to me and weaken my defenses, and then the game changes from Get Mr. Dustin to A Young Adult’s Fight For His Life. This game comes with a warning that Mr. Dustin is not responsible for anyone injured as a result of me falling on them because of the hundreds of pounds of kids anchoring my balancing mechanisms and the other hundreds of pounds of them pushing my torso in different directions. Unfortunately, that warning encompasses myself also.

I have a friend named Erick who I don’t hear from very often, but when I do, he makes his presence known. He decided to chime in with his analogy amongst all of my recent attempts.

Quote of the Day 7/18/06

“Being single is like Texas Hold ‘Em. If you play like an idiot, you can confuse people into submission. Or lose all of your money. Or your pants.”

-Erick

If you think you can do better, chime on in.

Running into the sun but I’m running behind,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here…

And Then There Were None

If you haven't read Nerds Gone Wild yet, it will make this a lot funnier.

And Then There Were None

Crap! I got pigeon-holed! Girl A called and wanted to hang out almost the second after I got done writing that last quote of the day. I asked what her other friends were doing and she said she wanted to just hang out with me. Well, this throws a serious wrench into my plans. Especially since Girl A is my only link to that crowd. So I bit the bullet and went to shoot pool with Girl A at Balcony. It’s cool that it was just the two of us because she didn’t want to have to compete with Girl B again and it’s cool that I bought every drink. And I tried to equal her flirtivity but I just couldn’t. And then Girl C came in. Girl C and I had been out a couple times in the last two weeks. Alright, D Playa. Time to dance. And I danced. And I can dance. I think I channeled the ghost of Jesse Ghiorzi, my old playa coach to help me out of that one. Situation diffused. But then it got tough.

Later at Bagel & Deli, I ran into Angie, the feminist I went out with a few times in January who was very drunk and very loudly wanted to know why I never called her back (Dustin life update: this has never happened before and probably will never happen again). It’s almost like every outstanding relationship I was in all collided on that night. I’m a little surprised Megan “I know who you are, I dated you for 7 months” O’Brien wasn’t behind the counter throwing alfalfa sprouts at me. And after all this mess, Girl A went home seemingly a little irritated and no longer interested.
So it turns out, I was right. I lost both of these girls and pissed off a few other people in the process. It’s only been a couple weeks and I feel like I already need a break. Looks like I’m not as good at euchre as I thought. Actually, being single is more like asshole. I have a vague idea how to play, but the rules change so much, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m sure I’ll compare it to another card game next week. Oh, and here’s what to say if you ever use that parking space analogy in front of any girl who says “Well, what about me…”

Quote of the Day 7/16/06

“Well, baby. You’re like a motorcycle spot. It’s a good spot, but not everybody drives a motorcycle.”

-Justin Somethingorother


Actually, I don’t really think that dug him out of trouble. But it was funny.

Back to the drawing board,

D Lonely.


Still Standing Right Here…

Nerds Gone Wild

Nerds Gone Wild

Ah, what the hell…

From zero to playa in 4 weeks.

Warning! Asshole alert ahead! Yeah, I can be an asshole sometimes. I’m gonna tell you about one of those times. It’s right now. And I have a few apprehensions about sending this out, so I hope you all appreciate the defamation of my own character for your amusement.

See there’s this group of girls (and guys) that I kinda randomly met playing volleyball this past Monday. They’re all college math geeks from all over the country here for a nerds gone wild trip for four weeks over the summer. I could tell this one girl was pretty into me. She was pretty cool. Her friends were also pretty cool (danger – fence straddling ahead!). Especially this one in particular. No! Stupid Dustin! Ah, what the hell… So we wound up at B Dubs late one night – me, the two of them and another quieter girl who didn’t make the cut (OK, now I’m just being cocky). Anyway, the first girl, who we’ll call Girl A was definitely making eyes at me that even an idiot (apparently) could see. But then the other girl (Girl B) who I liked got real drunk and took over the conversation. And I’m not one to shy away from vibrant conversation. The night ended up in us clearing away some tables and doing cheer routines. I was in. And thankfully I have an unbiased female confidant to help me interpret these signals like a good third base coach. She told me that they were probably both into me the way they both acted and then she proceeded to let me behind the curtain.

Apparently, there’s an inherent competition between females for a guys attention. Complete strangers, best friends, family members, it doesn’t matter. These females have some sort of code to try to vie for the attention of the other species. This code is very different from the male code, where if a female is showing interest, it is the other male’s responsibility to stay as far away from that situation as possible, even if it involves giving your friend the keys to your car and walking home. And looking back, now I see it. The more Girl B would talk to me and show me cheer moves, the more Girl A would reach across the table and pat me on the arm. So Jill says if I just feign interest in the both of them, I should be able to take my pick by week’s end, should that be what I want (jeez, I’m actually starting to want to slap myself). This is great news for me, because nobody is better in feigning interest than me. So anyway, I’ll keep you all posted on how this situation turns out (or I can just skip ahead in time and tell you that I’m gonna screw it up with both of them and probably piss some other people off in the process). But until then, I have hope. And that’s all I need. And alcohol.

And while I’m being an asshole, I may as well sell out another friend from a while ago…

Quote of the Day 7/14/06

“Women are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken. And the rest are handicapped.”

-Keith D


Being single is like playing euchre for me. Just because I don’t like the game doesn’t mean I’m not good at it.

-Back in the game,

-D Playa.


Still Standing Right Here…

ElimiHate

ElimiHate

This QOTD is Rated R for offensive language and sexual content

I was at a bar the other night and this show called ElimiDate came on the TV. For those of you fortunate enough to not know what that is, it's a show where four girls go on a date with one guy (or vice versa) and as the date goes on, the guy (or vice versa) gradually eliminates the girls (OK, you get it) one by one until he has only one left and this girl is fortunate enough to be declared the winner and I'm not sure what happens next, but I know from the one and a half episodes that I've ever seen that it is usually the sluttiest girl of the four so one can only imagine. I hate this show. I hate the concept of it. It's disgusting. It's kinda like if you took what little class there was in The Bachelor and flushed it down the same toilet that the "game show" Deal Or No Deal flushed all the strategy down. So yeah, dumb show that I would have never even thought to turn on if I was home, but I understand why it has a following and I know why they would play it at a bar at 2am.

So I find myself glancing at the TV and all of a sudden, up pops Ms. Heather! Ms. Fucking Heather! She was a counselor for me for like three years at UMBC Day Camp and I think we even hooked up once. Actually, I think I made that up. But it's easier than telling people here that we almost hooked up but we were both pretty trashed and then I was going after her friend too who I found out too deep into the courting process had a boyfriend and I'm pretty sure that I wound up sleeping alone thinking about my new "fence riding" theory. But if I'm pressed for time, I'll just say that we hooked up. Actually, she's on this list. Heather, write me back sometime to help jog my memory.

So yeah, there she was on TV. Sure it was just a stupid MTV Generation Y show, but she was on national television trying to beat out three other guys to... do whatever winners do on that program. And after they show the four chicks, they showed the guy. And it was my idiot friend Eduardo Van Machos (name changed to protect the guilty)! You gotta be kidding me at this point. I was going nuts at this bar. Like I wasn't screaming enough about the chick I didn't really hook up with, but now this guy shows up on TV? There's no way any four females should ever be competing for him, let alone on national television. The girls in my volleyball class would fight over who got to play on the other court. Nobody else on the club team would room with him so I always got stuck with him on road trips. OK, I'm embellishing a bit because his job was always to be the butt of my jokes, but nonetheless I have lost a lot of respect for the people they pick to be on that show. Well when I think about it, I don't really know what I was expecting. I think I was better off with people I didn't know on the show. Then I can at least pretend that they are better than me and deserve to be on a date with four hot chicks trying to.. you know... win. You know I love you Eduardo. Even if you did vote Heather off first. She's too classy for you anyway. Well, that information is based solely on the fact that we never hooked up. Maybe.

And I never hooked up with Eduardo. No semantics needed with that statement.

Sorry to say, but I never found out how it ended because there was no sound and I was being kicked out of the bar (it was closing, I wasn't throwing olives at people or anything) and I had to drive a friend home to his wife and kids who I later found out is no longer allowed to be my friend. I've seen enough of Eduardo hanging all over girls at our national volleyball tournament in Charlotte anyway (and the local high schools). And if the end was anything like those experiences, it will directly contradict my theory about what really happens at the end of ElimiDate.

Unfortunately, I don't have any material written down about the plethora of stupid things that Eduardo has said over the years, but I can chronicle a few of the stupider things he's done in past years over the next few days. So I'll start with Charlotte again. We were at a party with the Xavier women’s volleyball club team and Eduardo was getting a back rub from this hot chick and things were heating up between them. Now, our volleyball club was like a cross-section of our school at UMBC. There was Eduardo, Ryan and myself at this party able to hold a conversation and interact with people of both genders. Then there was Neil and Amir, two of our - let's say socially awkward - friends who don't get out much. Which is fine with us and they were fun to hang out with, but it came back to haunt us (Eduardo). Oh, and meanwhile, the other half of our team had been back in the room since 8pm. So about 45 minutes into the backrubs and the running hands through hair and kissing on the neck (check out Eduardo’s moves on syndicated TV if you get the chance), Amir, who has been sitting on the ottoman for the last 2 hours just grinning, blurts out...

Quote of the Day 4/17/06

"Wait, Eduardo. Don't you have a girlfriend?"

-2004 Cock-Blocker of the Year, Amir

Whatever Eduardo's actual status was with the girl who hung around him a bunch, it was all the same to Amir. And it was a bit too late to try to explain that to the Xavier girl who had already kicked him in the nuts. But hell, it made my week.

1999 Cock-Blockee of the Year,

Coach.

Still Standing Right Here...

Speaking of Me...

Speaking of Me...

So now that John is privy to this new info, he has another take on my dating life. Maybe it's not the college grads that is my problem, rather the masters students. He thinks they need the real world to beat the flakiness out of them. I don't know if that necessarily follows a sound track of logic, but I'm willing to accept any explanation that expands my dating pool. That last QOTD about giving up on the college grads came the same day that I hired a 16-yr-old high school girl to be my day camp assistant. Before anyone thinks anything, this was pointed out to me by my two dirty old men coworkers. I hadn't even noticed. They thought it was something of a coincidence. Well, I'm dispelling any rumors before they start. This girl isn't even my type. I saw her IM screen name on her computer and it had every other letter capitalized, like if TiVo was a really long word. That reeks of high maintenance anyway. Gee, I wonder why everybody makes fun of me for dating younger chicks? Has anyone actually seen me date a younger chick or have you just heard me talk about it all the time? Never mind that comment. Well, they tell you to turn into a skid.

So my roommate's girlfriend (Megan) was telling me about a girl she knows in her sorority who has this EXTREME attention issue. As in, she always needs it to be on her. Everybody knows the type, I'm sure, but this was apparently an extreme case, as my roomie described her...

Quote of the Day 2/21/05

"I could be telling a story about her, and she'd interrupt to start talking about her. 'Speaking of me...'"

-Perpendicular Keith


I think I dated her once.

Runnin into the sun but I'm runnin behind,

D Ref.


Still Standing Right Here...

Masters of Crazy

WARNING: A lot of people were eliminated from this list because of reasons that will become evident soon enough.

Well, thanks accidentally to John's recent e-mail response to my Valentines Day cynical tirade, I figured it all out. Well, some of it. I still don't know who I am and I don't know what to do with this information, but here's what I learned. John asked how old this chick was and said that it sounded like high school bullshit. And he's right, it does. Only it's not. This chick has her masters, owns a house and has a job and everything. (OK, I just had to go back and delete like another 20 addresses to protect her anonymity and my ass - consider yourself the privileged few. Either my good, trusted friends or third rate acquaintances so far removed from my life that you can cause no harm)

So let's recap. The last three college grads I dated, who all also have masters, for whatever the hell that's worth, have the following rap sheet: One lied and told me she was two weeks late to basically avoid going out with me because she was too afraid to tell me she was seeing somebody else. Whatever happened to "I have a headache?" I guess that was too bland for her. Another got upset that I was seeing somebody else after she told me she just wanted to be friends, mostly because I was still nice to her after she turned me down. And I swear to you all, that's it. I didn't fool around with both of them at the same time or anything to honestly be held accountable for in the normal human plane of emotionally stable existence. And then there's the third. Well, we should all know what happened there. Beelzebabe reared her ugly head and spewed forth bullshit from her eyes, whilst her alter ego, "The Ultimate Quizmaster" set up impossible hurdles for me to stumble over so she could still maintain her self-respect if the relationship went sour. Damn! I don't want to shit on everybody's slurpee here, but I just hit a bad case of apples here. Deal with my cynicism. It's funnier than contentment. And now the second part of the equation. Think about the last non-college graduate I dated. Steph. She was awesome and not a day goes by when I don't wish we could still hang out (didn't know I was going here either - and I just had to delete another 8 people. But I also put one back on). But she went and graduated and moved to another country, so that rules her out now anyway. Conclusion? Don't date college graduates. So I need to stick to the college chicks that everybody gives me shit for chasing around. Or the drop-outs. I don't know about that yet, but I'll try anything once. Maybe even twice just to make sure I don't like it. But the point stands. I need to find em young and brainwash them before they inevitably get all fucked up. Shit, I'm tired of deleting names. I'm just gonna suck up those last few comments and take it on the chin.

While I've got all these names deleted, I'm going to do one of the quotes that doesn't exactly put me in a great light. I was at the post office and I needed Mike to go into my bag to get my checkbook to pay for whatever. He reaches in the bag and one particular compartment happened to contain my addressbook, my checkbook and condoms. I now realize how funny that combination of items is, but Mike thought to point it out to me...

Quote of the Day 2/17/05

"Dude, you have your addressbook, condoms and a checkbook all in the same compartment? What's in this one, a shot of penicillin?"

-Mikey McWawa


Actually, I'm allergic to penicillin. It's alpha-phenoxyethyl potassium. And don't look that up. I'm not sure that's right.

Thank God for porn,

D Wreck.


Still Standing Right Here...

Cupid's Curse Continues

Cupid's Curse Continues

So yesterday was Valentines Day. My favorite holiday of the year. It's a little like a Jewish holiday because not everybody really recognizes it as a holiday. I actually slept for 16 hours last night. It was the greatest Valentines Day ever. Except of course for the Valentines Day or Days when I was with one of my ex girlfriends who may still be on this list. Yeah, that was the best. :) I would like to apologize to all women now but you recently had a chick ruin Valentines Day for you, at least as far as it pertains to me. And this isn't even that psycho chick I've been telling you about recently. Anyway, I have a friend. She got mad at me for being nice to her. Now, I know it seems hard to believe, but that was my only crime. We saw each other a few times and she didn't want anything more. OK. Cool. I still want to be good to her, so I got her a couple flowers for Christmas. I thought I was being nice, right? Then she finds out that I went out with this other girl (and we all know how that ended), and she tells me about a week later that she left crying and she was so upset because I made her feel special and she thought she was the only one, even after she told me she didn't want anything with me.

Huh?

I give up, ladies. I tried being myself. I tried being nice. Hell, there was a span of like a month or two where I tried being an ass (comments to yourself please). Really, what are my options? I just lost a pretty good friend for being nicer to her than she wanted me to be. I realize this isn't an everyday occurrence, but I want to play the odds. What do I do? I realize that it's probably best to just be myself, but I've been trying to figure out who I am for like 7 years now. I have been so many different people and they've all been myself. So yeah, I thought to maybe do something cool for a few of you ladies out there for Valentines Day, but I thought better of it. I wouldn't want to piss you off. And just think if I missed anybody? Oooohhhh! There's a can of worms not worth opening. So I went to bed at 7:15. I assume that probably pissed somebody off too.

Sorry. I don't mean to be so cynical, but it seems I've hit a good run of bad luck here. I'm sure by next year I'll have it all figured out. Speaking of which, I was talking about the other girl I was "seeing" and yet never really paying attention to anything she said. Cause I'm an asshole. Or was I just being myself? Anyway, I was thinking of things to do for her for Valentines Day and Cespos came up with a good one...

Quote of the Day 2/14/05

"Maybe you should send her sister flowers."

-Cespos de Bergerac


Or maybe I should just chop my nuts off myself.

Happy Valentines Day!

Dustin Strangelove.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Responses to QOTD 1/31/05

OK. This is the day when I normally rate something that normally wouldn't be rated. But you guys seem to be having so much fun with that last QOTD, I kinda want to run with it. I've gotten more responses for a quote than I think I have since the time I gave the Star Wars movie a bad rating. What a fucking debacle that was. And back then, I sent it out so that everybody could respond to everybody else. It turned into this bitter, opinionated e-argument between those people who liked the movie and thought I was unfair in my rating and those people who disagreed with the misuse of my mailing list. It got ugly. I lost two friends over that. But an important lesson was learned. And we can all agree that important lessons are sometimes worth at least the friendship of two Star Wars geeks.

Sorry, I off-tracked myself a little. So I had a lot of fanfare is what I was saying. Now while I don't feel it is right to send out the entire thing to everybody on this list, I can give you all a taste. And with approximately every two sentences in this e-mail, one more person had to temporarily be deleted from this mailing list. Consider yourselves proud to have made the cut. Or to have an e-mail address I couldn't easily associate with you. Anyway, I'm going to rank some of the responses I've gotten from everybody about the letter I sent out, to try to stay with the theme. And in a cheap attempt to make my job easier, I'm going to make them a whole week's worth of quotes. I'm a schemer like that. So I hope you don't mind the personal messages you sent back to me going public. I deleted all the emotional, non-funny stuff. And thanks to everybody that wrote back. Apparently, lots of people have my back.

Responses to QOTD 1/31/05...

Quote of the Day 2/1/05

Stryker: "Women are like a fine wine. You pay a lot of money expecting a nice experience. But most of the time they end up being bitter and dry. That and they stain the carpet." - Here's what I like about this response. And Stryker. He comes up with a completely out-of-the-blue simile that makes a very good and relevant point however random it might be, but to make sure he maintains both his comic integrity and his macho dignity, he throws in a little joke at the end so we know it's not just a sympathetic "I love you, friend" type of note. It's not the funniest thing he's ever said, but he stayed within the framework of his intention. Well done. A

Quote of the Day 2/2/05

Jason Corns: "Despite the random flailings of women who think too highly of themselves... and despite even the staple-proof vest, you are a resoundingly thoughtful friend." Jason had the same concept, but in reverse order. Equally as effective as Stryker's and should show you the difference between the two of them and why obviously one is superior to the other. He started out with the joke and brought it back to the old "I got your back, bro" finale. Well constructed. A

Quote of the Day 2/3/05

Excerpt from 1/31/05:
> So please tell me now if I've ever thought that I was having a
> conversation with anyone on this list and I was actually undergoing some
> sort of exam and wound up failing miserably.

John Sears: "Dustin, it's time you knew the truth. Your parents have the originals." - So that's how it works? Well, this was all joke and John will therefore not be confused for anyone going on "The View." But our friendship is understood. He's pinned it down perfectly so many times, comparing me to comets and tumbleweed. But in a good way. A

Quote of the Day 2/4/05

MJ: "Having to give someone a test to find other whether you like them (or apparently absolutely hate them) is like a doctor giving you his own second opinion in order to validate his first opinion. Now that I just read that last sentence I don't know if that makes any sense. I should probably go get a third opinion. ;)" - Again with the similes. I like it. And this is like a joke on top of joke, the last of which he pokes fun at himself, which is one of my favorite techniques. He also went on to literally say that he had my back. Bro. A

Quote of the Day 2/5/05

Mike Conover: "Holy Christ on a stick! She's fuckin nuts! People don't even think to themselves the things she said, let alone write them and then actually communicate them." - See, Mike had the benefit of actually reading the e-mail in its entirety, so his needs to be graded on a curve. He wrote back a dissection of her hate message that comes close to 5 pages single spaced in Word. I actually read it at work and because I kept getting interrupted, it took me 2 hours to read. And I laughed the entire time. Thanks, Mike. And now there are two copies out there in case of my disappearance. And I finally have a reason to get a safe deposit box. But anyway, Mike's message was awesome, through and through. However, if I printed it all, I'd have to probably delete another 125 people off the list. But I'm sure I'll throw out bits and pieces when I can. This quote was just how his 5 page response started. And it should sum up the tone of the letter. Anyway, good job Mike. Originally A+, but with curve, A.


Whew! Five quotes in one day! I'm beat.

T-1 day until Eagle Superbowl detonation,

Dustin McNabb


Still Standing Right Here...

When Nuts Attack

When Nuts Attack

Now I'm not going to pretend that I'm the greatest guy in the world. Well, at least I'm not perfect. You all know this. I've done some things that some girls I've dated have every right to be angry about. Megan O'Brien had every right to be pissed. As did Maryrose. OK, I'm going to stop this thread now. Where I'm going with this is that I recently got involved with someone who I used to be good friends with. Things didn't work out for one reason or another and she decided she didn't want to see me anymore. OK. I got it. We had very different interests and that was tough to get around...

-----11 days later-----

...then came this absolutely nasty e-mail. It was the most hate-laden flailing piece of anger I have ever seen. And I've seen some anger. Heck, a few of you are responsible for some. Anyway, she started by saying my quote of the day was crap, uninteresting and uninspired. Well no shit it's uninspired! I hope none of you are looking to my dinky little attempts at humor to motivate you to finally write that detective novel or sculpt that enormous red ear. Hell, I don't even really expect it to make you laugh most days. I really just use it as a transition between downloading porn and playing internet poker. If you guys are still reading it, that's an unexpected bonus. Then she went on to say that she was testing me the whole few times we had gone out and I failed every one despite the fact that she made them progressively easier. And the whole time I thought we were just having a conversation. Nope. I was wrong. And it seemed so much like a conversation. But not when you are out with the self-proclaimed "ultimate quizmaster." Nope. Then, you are under a microscope. Two weeks later, she brought up a topic that came up in passing that I didn't bother asking her about. Some musician. Apparently, I was supposed to ask her why she liked this artist. I did not. So I got that question wrong. The e-mail had a few other examples of things I didn't ask her to expand on. This lowered my overall score to finish in the same percentile as that of the average ginkgo plant. If the score I got on her little tests translated into SATs, I probably couldn't even get into Towson (zing!). So please tell me now if I've ever thought that I was having a conversation with anyone on this list and I was actually undergoing some sort of exam and wound up failing miserably. Or please tell me if I passed. Because I want to know what my GPA is for these single-blind quizzes I may have been enduring for who knows how long. And for God sakes, if you want to talk about something, talk about it. I'm not gonna put up with this shit anymore. You've been warned. I had to take a few people off this list for this quote for reasons that would be obvious to some other people on this list and the people I took off, obviously. Though the e-mail she sent was obviously meant to hurt me, it ceased to have any affect on me because it came off as a flailing anger-filled tirade. It did, however, scare me. As out of the blue as this was, who knows what the hell else this girl is capable of. I showed this e-mail to a coworker to get a second opinion...

Quote of the Day 1/31/05

"You're going to want to save this. Your mom will need it for the trial."

-Nancy, my unpaid social advisor.



You're going to want to delete this. Your mom will never need to know any of this.

Wearing a staple-proof vest,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...

30 and Counting

30 and Counting

So it finally happened. However long I tried to postpone it, the earth just keeps rotating at the same pace, and that is something just out of my control (actually, the earthquake forced the earth underneath itself, causing the circumference to become smaller, thus speeding up the rotation by possibly a few seconds each year, but I swear I had nothing to do with that). Yeah, so I turned 30. Nothing special. No fireworks or sirens (OK, that's a lie). But I knew it was coming, so it wasn't that big of a surprise for me. It did, however, seem to instantly make other people age before my eyes. Some reactions were of surprise: "You're 30? When the hell did that happen?", some were of disbelief: "What do you mean you're 30? Aren't you still in college?", and still others were very poignant: "So when the fuck are you going to get a real job?" Hell, I'm ready to retire. So yeah, it seemed like a lot more people were upset that I was turning 30 than I was. Like the 19-year old college chicks I've been seeing who thought I was 23. And their dads. And boyfriends. Push comes to shove, age is just a number you tell people. And sometimes, it's not even that. For example, this is the seventh straight year I've turned 23. Some people are starting to figure it out. So I'm going to need all of you to keep it under wraps. If word gets out that I'm 30, I officially become invisible to 19-yr-olds. Just a UMBC Rec Sports polo and jeans walking around with no discernable face. And that's been one of my major demographics. This includes 24-yr-olds that say they're 19 also. Cause don't think that doesn't happen. As well as the 16-yr-olds that say they're 19 (remember people, this is a "humor" article in which I "embellish" and "lie." Everybody knows I draw the line at 17.) So the way I figure it, if you average the age that I act, the age that I feel, the age that I tell people I am, the age my birth certificate says I am, and the age my body parts think I am, it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 30. And that's good enough for me. All apologies to everyone who didn't see this coming. I should have prepared you better.

So I was talking with Mike D about turning 30 and other such issues surrounding it. He actually gave me a little bit of hope with his theory involving the difference between hooking up with younger chicks when you are in your late 20s as opposed to when you are 30...

Quote Of the Day 1/10/05

"See, when you hook up with an 18-yr old chick in your late 20s, that's kinda wrong. But if you do it at 30, it's like an accomplishment. Something to brag about to your friends."

-Mike D, 20-something


Awesome. I needed that. No I didn't. :)

Getting old and taking everybody with me,

Extendo 30.0.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rico Gawky

Rico Gawky

I'm really exhausted, but this was too funny to let go another day. Of all the stupid things I've ever said to a girl I was interested in, this is probably in the top ten. Not quite the top five, let's remember some of my other lines ("Who the fuck are you" comes to mind). But before I get into it, I need to go over a few of my theories.

Now I shouldn't let some of you women behind the curtain, but you would also be a fool to let my theories of relationships make you consider things any more seriously than your average Quantum Leap episode. These theories have to do with exceptionally attractive women. See first of all, guys like myself and Tom have been raised to believe that all attractive women are snobs. All apologies, but that's the shit you learn in high school when you run cross country and work in the video lab. So if they show any sort of interest in you, odds are that they are interested in you or at least want something from you. This is why it's exceptionally difficult to accept that an overly attractive girl that comes up to talk to you just wants to be your friend. For the record, this sounds really idiotic now that I reread it, but I didn't really expect too much out of it anyway.

Counteracting this theory is the "low self-esteem corollary." If one of these subjects happens to actually be interested in myself (or Tom), it can be quite intimidating and odds are against any sort of cooperation on our end. At least, this is my reaction. So when a somewhat unmistakable pick-up line came out of her mouth, jokingly or not (something like "so, do you have any more room in your little black book?"), my reply was something to the effect of "I don't do very well with extremely attractive women." And I didn't really recover either. Some people think that it was kinda cute. Maybe if I had thought of something to say after that other than "OK, I gotta go." But most laugh in my face. Certainly not my worst work, but I think I'm putting it on the back burner until I can think of something to use it in tandem with. And I also think I've proved the statement correct unintentionally. This is why I'm sticking with the chicks that don't think they're pretty. Whether they're right or not (that's just wrong, dawg).

So Keith D (the non-roommate Keith, as I call him when I have the time), suggested that I photocopy a page from my little black book (which hasn't had a new phone number put in it since I got my cell phone 3 years ago) and circle a blank spot in it and give it to her. This is certainly the funniest approach, but I don't think funny is necessarily the direction I want to head. So he gave me some other ideas like handing her a note saying "do you like me?" with two boxes saying "yes" and "no..."

Quote of the Day 12/13/04

"It's so old, it's kind of original again."

-Keith D


I think I'll choose funny over stupid. But I'm afraid I'm doomed to stupid anyway.

Flailing my limbs in the ocean of predictability,

D Wreck.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rebound

Rebound

A long time ago, I made Wednesdays optional. I don't know if you all remember that. Well, I'm playing that card right now.

I love this quote. This quote reminds me of why I took the job in the first place. It's funny, it's a social commentary on dating, and it's grammatically correct to boot. I was talking to an ole buddy of mine, Jason Varga, and a guy named Jeff who I've seen before about dating. Jason said that he couldn't come to the volleyball house with us Friday because he had a date. I was being facetious and said something to the effect of "it's not a date if you've been going out with the girl for two years already." He replied that he had broken up with his girlfriend about 2 months ago. I was proud of the guy. Two months out of that crappy relationship and he's already got a date. Nice work. It's been two years for me and I'm still not doing so good. Jeff chimed in that he had been out of a relationship now for two weeks. Being as though it was the topic of conversation, I asked him if he had started dating again, to which he responded...

Quote Of the Day 5/20/99

"I thought I did, but apparently we were just 'hanging out.'"

-Some guy Jeff


That's kinda how I feel about my job.

'Hanging out' with Tony and Flynn,

Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...