What Your Favorite Holiday Song Says About You: The Eighth Day of Giftmas 2011

What Your Favorite Holiday Song Says About You:
The Eighth Day of Giftmas 2011

12 Days of Christmas: You enjoy forcing sing-alongs at office parties AND/OR you are very insecure and like to prove your worth to everyone around by showing that you memorized the quantity and activity of all the different random birds, lords and pipers in this song.

Do They Know it’s Christmas (Band Aid): You pay 55 cents a month to an African foster child AND/OR you were in Peace Corps.

Christmas in Hollis (Run DMC): You were into hip hop back before they were all thugs AND/OR you enjoy seeing Alan Rickman thrown from very tall buildings.

The Hannakuh Song (Adam Sandler): You long for the days of Saturday Night Live with the most dick jokes per minute AND/OR you are Jewish.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Bruce Springsteen): You are in your fifties AND/OR you want people to think you’re cool and this is the song you think will make people think that.

All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey): You know that Mariah is in the Guinness Book of World Records for singing in 8 different octaves AND/OR you waited in line for opening day of New Year’s Eve just in case.

Feliz Navidad (Jose Feleciano): You eat at least five meals a week at Taco Bell AND/OR you play 20v20 soccer in the dirt without shoes or goalies and call it football.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (Elmo and Patsy): You are five AND/OR six.

Hard Candy Christmas (Dolly Parton): You were in a community theater production of The Biggest Little Whorehouse in Texas AND/OR you own stock in Jolly Ranchers.

Christmas Wrapping (The Waitresses): You really love or really hate that cranberry sauce became a part of this tradition somehow, but you’re passionate about it either way AND/OR you think it’s still 1982.

Video: Dustin Plays Guitar?

Dustin Plays Guitar? from Fan-Freakin-Tastic.

I don't normally play guitar on stage but I thought I'd try something new. Don't get used to it.

Daddy Says She’s Too Young…

Daddy Says She’s Too Young…

There’s a song by Winger called “Seventeen” that has always been one of my guilty pleasures. Only it used to be a guilty pleasure because it was by one of those one-hit wonder hair bands from the 80s. Named “Winger.” But now I feel guilty for a much dirtier reason with possible legal implications. The flagship line in the song goes “She’s only sevvvennn-teeeeeeeen… Daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me.” When the time comes, I will belt that line out from the depths of my diaphragm. This was starting to get weird when I was still singing this in my late 20s (Ed note: Please do not use late 20s Dustin as your moral compass. The needle always points the same way). But now I’m 35. I have a lot of friends with daughters. None of them can even see seventeen from their stroller just yet, but they exist and will likely be seventeen someday. My question is severalfold. First, am I allowed to secretly enjoy that song knowing these children amidst their rapid ascent to seventeenhood? And if so, do I need to stop liking it? And when? Additionally, is it already bad that I know all the words to it and I’m 35? And does it help or hurt that I can sing “It’s Rainin Men” with surprising accuracy and pitch? (Ed note: That never helps. Stop asking)


Still Standing Right Here…

Rating Songs About Huge Women's Backsides

Rating Songs About Huge Women's Backsides

Baby Got Back (Sir Mix-a-Lot) - White, black, green, whatever color you are, this song is fuckin funny. It's the apex of lyrical degradation of women before it took a sharp turn into the lyrics of today. Thought actually went into the song to come up with gems like "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon" and "He had game but he chose to hit em; so I pull up quick to get wit em." Funny stuff. And it's still the best use of a whip in any song. A

Big Bottoms (Spinal Tap) - It still cracks me up that Rob Reiner made this mockumentary about a really stupid crappy rock band, and they manage to sell albums and go on tour and have a following. It's a damn joke! The whole song is a parody, just like the movie, and a good one. "My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo; i'd like to sink her with my pink torpedo." It's pretty funny, but it ain't Sir-Mix-A-Lot. B

Back That Ass Up (Juvenile) - This is a good example of where rap lyrics have gone. "Youz a big fine woman, won't you back that azz up." The title of the song is really the only thing going for this song. Probably because nobody can understand another damn word the guy says. D

Fat Bottom Girls (Queen) - These guys had to be the inspiration for Spinal Tap. I still can't believe they got away with recording for so many years. This was a real life farse of a music band. This song came out of nowhere too. But nobody blinked because it was Queen. Their name was Queen. Didn't that tell anybody anything? "Left alone with big fat fatty, she was such a naughty lady, big big woman - you made a bad boy out of me." It's not quite Weird Al or Spinal Tap, but it bridges them to the rest of the music world. C-

Doin' Da Butt (Cameo) - This is the one that started it all. One day, everybody was offended when you said they had a big ass. The next day, this song came out on the radio. All of a sudden, it was fashionable to have a lot of junk in the truck. Twiggy was dead and us white kids cried and cried when we realized what had happened years later. I was in middle school and the song kinda scared me because I wasn't very comfortable with girls as it was and I don't know that I liked telling them they had big ole butts. But the best part of the song is just that; that it lended itself to the "banana fanna fo fustin" song theory in that you could put anybody's name in there. "Joey's sister's got a big ole butt, OH YEAH! Ms. Lattanze's got a big ole butt, OH YEAH! Arnold Palmer's got a big ole butt, OH YEAH!" And when you told people they had a big ole butt, it was in the third person, so it wasn't as forcefully degrading. But it didn't matter, because they just said "OH YEAH!" right back at you anyway. This song changed the world. It inadvertently opened the floodgates for streams of horribly degrading lyrics, but we'll forgive it because the beat lends itself so easily to putting one's backfield in motion. A+

I was trying to explain this 9 card poker game to a few freinds of mine to try to get them to play. I think I had a couple of them, but Erick had to go and resist saying that he thought the game sounded made up...

Quote Of the Day 2/11/03

"Well, aren't all games made up?"

-J-Me


Apparently not.

Doin' side bends and sit ups,

Sir Mix-Just-Barely-Enough.


Still Standing Right Here...

Every Other Morning

Every Other Morning

There comes a time in all of your lives when you have to just look at the actual date and realize it doesn't correlate with the QOTD date and accept it and move on. Today is going to be another one of those times. Tomorrow looks about the same also. If you must know why I do this, it's because years from now, when I look back on all these quotes in trying to put together my autobiography, "Everything Sucks; A Life In the Life of Me," I'm going to try to convince myself I was very orderly and did all these quotes on the actual day the message says. This last paragraph, however, is going to throw a serious wrench into things. Oh well. But anyway, that's why I backdate a lot of these. The underlying reason, of course, is that I'm lazy, late, and anal, a lethal combination of character traits. Kind of like being drunk, covered in gasoline, and at a campfire with people who want to kill you. But probably not that lethal.

A billion years ago, Tony, Meawad and I drove down to Florida for Spring Break. Before we left, we made a bet on which song we'd hear the most often on the way down, knowing that we'd be using the seek feature on the radio. My bet was Slide, and Tony's was Every Morning. Chris probably picked something, but he wasn't close to being in the running. Probably It's Raining Men or something like that. Anyway, we had driven all the way down and around Fla and were almost out of Virginia on our way back, with me ahead by 1. Tony picked up his cell phone and called HFS...

Quote Of the Day 9/8/00

"I know this might be a strange request, but in about 20 minutes, could you play Every Morning twice?"

-Tone-Def


Well, his attempts at cheating failed and I won the bet anyway! In fact, I question whether or not he actually placed the call. Now that I think about it, it was a thumb and a finger masquerading as a phone, but that isn't nearly as funny.

Better late than loser,

Gimp Master D.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Musical Variations

Musical Variations

Speaking of original ideas for films, here's something I can really appreciate. Much like the Blair Witch Project, this story is completely concocted with the intention of deceiving the public. A few of you may have heard this, and if not, you may have heard some of the songs. They (Hollywoodish people) invented a character named Chris Gaines who is supposed to have been a pop singer from the early 80s up through a few years ago. They got Garth Brooks to sing a whole bunch of songs that this guy was going to have allegedly written and recorded. They varied the tone of the song to sound like the time period in which it was supposed to have been recorded and varied the subject matter to match up with what they are going to say was happening in his life at the time. "They" are planning on releasing a bunch of songs out on the radio scattered around throughout the next year and hopefully, the public will start to get a rapport with this fellow. Maybe they'll get the DJs to play up his character and tell stories about him or something. About a year from now, they're going to start making a movie which is going to basically be an autobiography of this Chris Gaines character. Personally, I love the idea. I can't think of anything that was done this creatively in a long time that spanned the medias like this. I just hope they don't fuck it up, which is always a possibility...

Quote Of the Day 8/16/99

"You wanna know what I figured out today? Livin La Vida Loca is the best song to wake up to in the morning. Because not only is it happy and upbeat, but it really makes you want to turn it off."
-Good Joe.


Leaving Latino Locusts,
De Fishy One.


Still Standing Right Here...