Rating Aspects of Giftmas Parties: The Fourth Day of Giftmas 2011

Rating Aspects of Giftmas Parties:
The Fourth Day of Giftmas 2011

One of the greatest byproducts of Giftmas is the amount of partying that is socially acceptable. Office parties, family get-togethers, drunken soirees with friends (soiree is the French word for religion-neutral winter party). Most of these parties are just a jolly old time. But some traditions are old and tired and need to be put to bed before Santa gets here. Here’s a quick rating of the different aspects of these holiday parties, whatever you want to call them:

Potluck: Brilliant. You don’t have to get it catered and people can show off their heretofore dormant baking and reheating skills. And there’s no ill will for bringing store-bought stuff. The snooties may turn up their noses, but it’s commonly acceptable to waltz in with Enteman’s or Nabisco or Pepsico stuff. And the guy who remembers to bring paper plates and plastic sporks is not laughed at. No! He is praised. People cannot wait for him to get there. Big fan. Downsides: disproportionate amount of cookies, food poisoning. A

Secret Santa: Great for cutting down on expenses. All for it. AND you still get a gift. BONUS! But nobody wants to get Uncle Dave. He doesn’t like anything/already has everything/doesn’t deserve anything. That’s the crappy part. I hear you. Especially when it’s that nose-ring girl from the satellite office nobody knows. And what happens if someone doesn’t show? Nothing, that’s what. But anything that lightens the burden on the wallet is a friend of mine. Just don’t make a big ceremony of watching everybody open their gift. Too much pressure. Everybody opens at the same time, thanks their person, their person thanks them. Oh, they had each other? Insert fake laughter. Then get the hell back to the eggnog. B

White Elephant: This is where you buy something and don’t label it and there’s a big game with different versions of rules that are never fully understood. If there are 30 people at your party, this game will take a full hour. BUT, it alleviates the necessity to plan anything ahead of time. So if Uncle Dave doesn’t show, it doesn’t matter. No circle is broken, no chain is unlinked. However, I participate in this version that has gotten a little too out of hand with the stupid presents. The gift isn’t worth it but it wasn’t supposed to be. Unfortunately, it’s also not worth the time. I’d rather be watching A Christmas Story again. B

Saturday Night Parties from 12/10-12/20: For crying out loud, I have two parties to go to every year and they have fallen on the same date over half the time. It needs to be the weekend because we’re young and like to party. Or we’re old and have jobs and kids. Understood. But the best Giftmas party I ever went to was on January 4^th. No conflicts, no other deadlines to meet and I could regift the crap I didn’t like from before. And it alleviated the depression that came with the realization that the holiday season was over and the work season was back. More people need to do this. D+

Dressed-up Santa: Good only for parties with kids. Unless it’s a stripper Santa. Either way, there’s a lap involved. B+

Lost in Transmission & Rating Things That Are Wrong With My Car

Lost in Transmission

For those of you interested, not interested and those still unsure, my second search for a vehicle in the last 10 months is over. It concluded with a stylish 4-cylinder 97 Civic. Thank God I already have a girlfriend. I’m just glad the search is over. I do this way too often. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t hate it with the passion of a thousand island dressing (I may have misunderstood that saying). Seriously, the act of looking for a car is up there with waterboarding for me. Strap me down to a chair and force me to look for a cheap but reliable vehicle that is Maryland State inspected and I will admit to shit that I did not do. So in an effort to maximize the time between now and the next time I’ll have to deal with this shit (and with that girlfriend card firmly in my pocket), I decided to stick within the Honda and Toyota families - not that the concept of buying a car from one of 7 different companies who have gone bankrupt and will cease to manufacture replacement parts isn’t appealing. Though I did occasionally take a peek at the Wranglers around the area. But I was able to fight through it thanks to my mantra: “What would a grown-up do?” “Buy foreign, and throw away your Weird Al t-shirts.” I didn’t even ask for that second piece of advice, thank you subconscious.

So why am I buying my second car in under a year? Well, I’ll give you half that story now. If you haven’t heard about the exploding jeep, you’ll have to wait. But it forced me into buying a car cheap and quick when I moved to Maryland in August. Basically, the cheapest car I could find that was Maryland State inspected on craigslist. And so I got my $1300 Sentra. It started to accrue so many problems in so little time that it was evident I’d never be able to sell it again. It wouldn’t pass inspection, it wouldn’t pass emissions, it wouldn’t even pass a moped on the sidewalk. I found myself wishing that something would go wrong with the engine or transmission just so I could justify getting rid of the damn thing. Well, I got my wish about a month ago.

---

Things That Are Wrong With My Car

Driver’s Side Window Stuck Up – This is especially annoying at drive thrus and toll booths. It actually used to just make this metallic grinding noise about halfway down (and up) and you just had to push (or pull) it the rest of the way while holding the button down. I had gotten good enough at it where I rarely got my fingers caught in it on the way up, when it just stopped altogether. Honestly it’s probably better that way. Thankfully, this has nothing to do with the performance of the car but God forbid I get pulled over and have to explain that. C-

Exhaust System Banging Against Gas Tank & Back of Car – The literal day after I bought the car, it started making this banging noise. Turns out the guy who sold it to me had basically glued the exhaust system together long enough to fool me into buying it. After Jamie (my nephew daddy) helped (he did it – I helped) find another tailpipe and fasten it on, it was rigged to only bang against the gas tank rather than have a hole in it. But it still wouldn’t pass emissions and it made the same annoying noise and now we added a much higher risk of explosion for a part that has nothing to do with the performance of the vehicle. Thankfully I met Jen before she ever saw the car. C+

Brakes Are Broken – So I went to my mechanic the last time to get new front brakes because every time I tried to stop, the car pulled to the right and smoke started coming up from the front right tire. I figured that was bad. So the mechanic replaced the front brakes and told me that the rear cylinder was leaking so bad that he recommended that I either replace it or I don’t drive for more than another “two days” with that car. Well, I wasn’t about to shell out $500 for a car that probably wouldn’t sell for that. And so I took those two days and just drove for another 2 months with one hand on the emergency brake. A worthwhile non-investment. B

Faulty Transmission – Finally, something that I can’t overlook. The car won’t get out of first gear. I came to this realization on the Capital Beltway. This is the second car of mine that died on 495. It’s not a very forgiving environment. In fact, I had to put my left turn signal on to ensure everybody would try to pass me on the left so I could get off the highway on the right. So it is dead. But I managed to get the car back home and I know of 4 or 5 used car & junk lots I could actually drive the car to in first gear. Better than a hole in the engine. But not by much. D-

Missing Windshield Gasket – I was driving up 83 after work when I saw the rubber gasket that went around my windshield blowing in the wind. Before I had any other thoughts, it went flying off onto the highway. Now I’m sure it’s not an expensive part, but it seems like an important one. Right now, gravity is the only thing keeping my windshield on. While I don’t expect gravity to ever stop working, it would be nice to have some insurance. And duct tape is apparently not the answer. Duct tape is like Superman tape that will stick to anything – but rain is it’s kryptonite. So I’m living without a gasket, which will only matter in the case that gravity ceases to work or if I flip my car into a position which gravity cannot help it stay on. Either way, I got much bigger problems than my windshield. B+

Buying foreign and wearing polos,

Honda D.


Still Standing Right Here…


QOTD credits (7/1/09): John Chapin - (Thank God you already have a girlfriend)

Rating Unwritten Ethical Violations of Passing Other Cars

We're going to pretend it's Tuesday and do the ratings thing:

Unwritten Ethical Violations of Passing Other Cars

Not Letting Someone Merge Onto the Road - Otherwise known as the "overaggressive spot-holder." I think this one pisses me off more than any other ethical traffic violation. In fact, I think this one is up there with getting into an elevator before I get out of it as my number one idiotic pet peeve. I can understand the riding of the next car's bumper if you are part of a chain of cars driving in the left lane and I'm trying to break into the chain to get around a guy in the middle lane. But when you see me coming onto an on ramp from another road and you refuse to let me into the right lane because you want to hold your spot in line is fucking intolerable! I swear to God this one lady would have rather ran me into the guard rail at the end of the merge lane than let me into her lane. And every next car in line was doing the same thing. This is why I think each car should come with a gun with one bullet. Traffic would flow a lot better that way. F

Driving Slow in the Fast Lane - Some people just haven't figured it out yet. The further left you go, the faster you have to drive. Why wouldn't you be able to do this? And I'm not talking about when it's crowded and confusing. If I have the ability to pass you on the right, you should get the hell out of my way in the first place. I'm not flashing my brights at you because you have a tail light out. And one day when I was particularly pissed off, I decided to get in front of this guy and sit down and see how slow I could go before he'd pass me on the right just to show him how annoying it was. Well, I got down to 30 on 95 and he waited me out. I don't get it. D

Passing On the Right - I can justify this action if it's not abused. Especially if you have an asshole doing 45 in the fast lane. In fact, it's a written law that you have to stay right in New Jersey (that's the only good thing NJ can be referenced for). Of course, it's also a law that you can't pass on the right in NJ. So if somebody’s driving slow in the left lane and you pass him on the right, you are both at fault? They mean well, but they still can't get their shit together. B

Speeding Up When Somebody Tries To Pass You - This is another strictly asshole move. If you wanted to be going that fast, you should have been doing that the whole time. Don't speed up just because you are being threatened as the fastest car on the road. This is like the traffic version of penis envy. What's your damn problem? There's no need to concern yourself with me. D-

Quote of the Day 9/7/04

"I'm sure she's nice. She's just not nice to other people."

-Katie Kraus


That's Katie's version of a compliment.

Passing on the shoulder,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Shit That Happened To Me In The Last Year

Well, I'm gonna try to force this into my schedule since I will be in Vegas next week without all of you (except Joanna). So Tuesday is the day when I normally do this thing where I rank different things like breakfast cereals, my nicknames or ways to get money illegally. Since I haven't talked to all of you in a year, I thought I'd recap my life for you this Tuesday.

Shit That Happened To Me In The Last Year

Moved out of the city - Thank God! As cool as it is to walk to and back from Howl At the Moon without worrying about not getting too fucked up to drive home, at some point you miss the comfort that running water can give to you. And I think toward the end, my roommates just gave up on the whole cleaning thing. I walked in my kitchen and turned the light on and it looked like a fruit fly experiment. Also, my roommate's bedroom caved in because of a leak in the bathroom, so we stopped paying rent and got taken to rent court... I'll explain all this later. A-

Got conked in the head with a line drive - Yeah, so I was playing third base in my D level old man softball league and I misjudged a ball and the distance I could leap from the ground, etc, etc. The ball hit me so hard I think the left fielder ran in and almost caught it. Everybody around me was seriously worried that I'd suffer some sort of brain damage. I spent all night making sure I could remember the names of all these famous celebrities (I read this thing in my class about proper name anemia). "Shit! Who was that third guy from Three Men and a Baby? Oh crap, I can't remember him! Wait, that was Steve Guttenberg. Nobody remembers him. OK, I'm fine." But I do have a permanent flat spot on my skull. That's kinda fucked up. D

Kevin moved back to the Philly area - It's pretty sad that one of the most major changes in my life is that somebody else did something exciting. So Kevin called me on Wednesday to tell me he decided to move back into town. "Really, when?" "Friday." So he packed his crap Friday and left Oregon for good. It must be nice to be so far in debt that it doesn't matter what the fuck you do anymore. A+

Was a groomsman in John and Rachel's wedding - This was easy. All I had to do was put on a tux and show up to a church on time. The brides maids had all this hair stuff and transportation and whatnot to worry about. I just had to wash the mud out of my hair and fingernails from the football game and walk John's grandma down the isle and sit down for an hour. They make it really easy on the guys probably because they know how incompetent we are when it comes to important things. So anyway, congrats J&R and thanks. A+

The following quote was actually taken directly from John's wedding program and the reason I am using it is because it describes my relationship not only with him but also the other 249 people on this list. Anyway, so John had a few sentences about everybody in his wedding and here is an excerpt from mine...

Quote Of the Day 3/16/04

"...Dustin orbits in and out of my life at regular, comet-like intervals..."

-John and Rachel's Wedding Program

If that doesn't describe my relationship with you here, then it probably will once you graduate from UMBC.

See you in another 76 years,

Dustin Haley.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Things I Did In the Blizzard of 03

Rating Things I Did In the Blizzard of 03

Dug My Car Out of the Alley - OK. I know I mentioned to you what happened after I dug myself out of the alley the first time. Well, I went right back in the alley and thought I'd have a leg up on anybody who was going to try to get out the following day. Well, my car got covered in another foot and a half of snow and the plow came by, erecting a three foot wall of snow at the end of the alley anyway, negating all the work I had just done. And where was I going to put the snow? We had to either throw it back onto the street or onto other people's cars. I think the whole neighborhood noticed that this one guy wasn't moving his car anytime soon, so we piled up like 13 car's worth of snow onto his car. He still hasn't gotten out. C-

Hopped the Fence of Camden Yards - I probably shouldn't go tooting this around everywhere, especially because there's video of it, but what's the point of breaking into a major ballpark during a blizzard if you can't tell anybody. We (me, Steph and her two Canuck friends) were going to make snowmen on the field in every position with pink hats on, but the snow wasn't really packable, and somebody was a little baby wus and didn't want to go onto the field (me). But it's still a pretty cool story to tell. Not as cool as the couple who had sex under the jumbo-tron during a game (and got caught on video), but still pretty damn cool. A

Walked to Metro and Back - We couldn't think of a closer place to get food and Pickles Pub was all out of stock after Sunday, so we walked to Federal Hill. It took us 2 1/2 hours total. We went the long way there along the major road that I knew of and guessed our way back passed all the other open grocery stores and mini-marts mocking us. C-

Dug Pete's Car Out Of the Snow - Well, Pete was way back in the alley and it would have taken him all week to try to shovel himself out. So he wiped the snow off of his windshield, put a gallon of salt under each wheel and tried to ride over the snow to the clear part where my car used to be. He got up and over the snow and made it to the clear part, but only the back end. The front end was stuck on top of the snow and the front wheels were in the air just spinnin. So we filled up a tub of hot water and poured it on the snow under the car. That shit actually worked. That was cool. But not Camden Yards cool. A-

Jere had just got finished digging (and melting) Pete's car out of the snow and was sick of it. These kids were walking down the street with shovels offering people money to dig their cars out (I think I messed that up). Anyway, Jere told these kids he'd give them $50 if they dug his car out. "Shit yeah" was their approximate response. "Which one is it?"

Quote Of the Day 2/25/03

(Jere looks down the street)... "I have no idea"

-Jere


Hope it wasn't that one with 13 car-fulls of snow on it.

One down, 29 more to go,

Camden Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Reasons My Apartment Sucks

Reasons My Apartment Sucks

Second Floor Shower Doesn't Work - Well, this isn't too bad, because it doesn't affect me as I live on the third floor, but now I have four people showering in just one shower. So when you have a job that dictates you come in between 10 and 11, there ain't much in the way of hot water. Thankfully, none of us are girls. D

Third Floor Shower Has Tiles Falling Off the Wall - OK, this is a problem. The first time I tried to take a shower about 6 months ago, I brushed against the soap dish and knocked it out of the wall. When I went to put it back, three tiles fell off the wall onto my feet, which were already bleeding (and probably infected) from the soap dish. The water was now directly hitting the wood on the other side of the shower, which I'm sure isn't healthy. But I chose to ignore that fact. Now that there are four of us showering in there instead of one, two huge water stains have formed over Jere's bed. We duct taped saran wrap over the tiles. That should do the trick. Soap dish is still removable. A

Third Floor Toilet Doesn't Work - Everytime we use it, the used toilet water would leak onto Jere's ceiling. A huge ugly water stain built up and eventually started leaking onto Jere's bed while he slept. That's disgusting. We turned the water to that toliet off. Then we had a party. The "toilet broken" sign didn't seem to deter at least one person from puking in it. So I had to put up with that stench for the night until I turned the water back on to give the thing one last flush. Sorry Jere, but it was your party, puke head. So now we have to shower upstairs and go all the way downstairs to poop. Peeing... well, use your noggin. A+

Ran Out Of Heat - Apparently, we have this ancient system, where they (don't know who "they" are yet) have to come and fill up our furnace from the inside. Our house predates BGE (and indoor plumbing, apparently). So all four of us had to fork over $96 for them to fill it back up early in January. But I think it'll last for the rest of the winter. C-

Ran Out of Heat Again - This happened last week. That $388 lasted less than a month. There's something wrong with this. I think Jere's conning money out of me for flushing stale puke on his head. A-

Roof Is Falling Off - Well, not really. I was playing ping-pong on the fourth floor and I noticed a crack that went all the way around the wall where it met the ceiling. But I'm sure it's nothing. D

Quote Of the Day 2/4/03

Me: "Should I be worried about this crack that goes all around the ceiling?"
Milky: "Hell, we got bricks coming out of the wall downstairs. I wouldn't worry about that."


We Have Bricks Coming Out Of the Wall Downstairs - It's a neat rustic type feature, having a brick wall on the inside of your house. But really, you can just take some of the bricks out. I'm no engineer, but that's not very structurally sound. B-

If that's movin up, then I'm... movin out!

Mr. Whistlehead.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating TV Shows I'm Currently Addicted To

TV Shows I'm Currently Addicted To

Boston Public - This show has managed to figure out the perfect formula for longevity. OK, it's a show about a high school, and every episode contains over the top controversial topics. Well, there is a very small finite number of issues they can possibly tackle. So in the last two years, they've basically just turned over their cast gradually, but completely, and recycled the same exact storylines as before. Brilliant. But becoming a waste of my videotapes. Good thing Jeri Ryan is hot. C+

CSI - I've recently watched a few motion picture cop thrillers like Murder By Numbers and Blood Work and I swear most CSI episodes are better than those. This show is incredible. Every story written is original and comes complete with a necessary twist or several to keep you interested and to keep you guessing. And it's already spawned a spinoff in its third year of existence. Soon, there will be enough CSIs to have an all CSI/Law & Order network. My VCR will overheat. A+

Dead Zone - It's a mix between Quantum Leap and Early Edition. It's got an interesting story and in the end, the good guy always wins. It's a feel good show for better or worse. Whether you like that aspect or not. And it's definitely got that cable TV - cheap sets, cheaper effects, do it in one take - feel to it. But for low budget, it's good to see something come close to Quantum Leap (if you like that sorta thing). A-

Joe Millionaire - You would assume that I would actually enjoy all the TV shows that I watch religiously. Well, with Joe Millinoaire, that's not the case. But it's like a train wreck. Or a walrus whacking off at the zoo. I just can't turn away. But I recommend everybody watch the last 15 minutes of the last episode. That'll be funny. D

On a non-related topic, there was this inside joke going around about how Tim had a small penis that was funny mostly because of Tim's reaction to it every time we'd do something like order him a one-inch sub for lunch. Anyway, Laurie ("that was from a movie? oh, i thought you were funny") happened to be with us this particular lunch when we were ragging on Tim with quip after unfunny quip about how his manhood never outgrew his boyhood, when Tim pleaded to Laurie that he didn't know why we thought this of him...

Quote Of the Day 1/7/03

"It's OK, Tim. I already thought that."

-No holds barred Laurie


She probably meant that she thought we were kidding, but who knows how fast word spreads when your Mini Me can be called Tiny Tim.

Buying videotapes by the gallon,

Mr. Whistlehead.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Day Camp Players

Day Camp Players

Kids - Not to sound annoyingly obvious, but these little punks are the reason we're all here. And as bratty as some of them are, I miss the kids. My job isn't just playing with kids anymore. I get to play with the parents and the health inspector, etc. The kids are actually the ones that keep my sanity. And my whistle. And the keys to my car. Even the bad ones aren't so bad comparatively. And they have to listen to me. If I go tell them to sit in a corner, they might argue, but every last one will go sit in that corner. I don't think my boss would be as cooperative. A

Counselors - I lied. I do have a group of kids. There are about 13 or so and they wine and bitch about everything all the time too. And some of them are just as bratty as their kids. "Do we have to go to tennis? It's too hot outside." "What's next?" "Can I have a dollar?" But so far this year, none of them have needed to be fired for talking about smoking pot to their kids. A

My boss(es) - I'll be honest. My bosses have bailed me out of trouble when I got in over my head. They're usually very reasonable when I need to order stuff or use the bathroom. But it's really all about the Bengimans to them. Two years ago, my boss's boss sat me down and explained very matter of factly in as nice a way as possible that I wasn't getting a raise or a promotion because they knew I'd stay anyway and I frankly just wasn't worth their money. It burned, but at least I know what he's all about. And it's the Bengimans. Unfortunately, I'm only all about the Washingtons. B-

The parents - 85% of the parents I have to deal with are great. They tell me that their child is having fun at camp and they might have a little constructive criticism or a minor question about policy, but they are founded in reality. Then there's the other 15%. These people have no clue how to parent a child. Granted, I've never had to father a child and I can only imagine how hard it might be, but give me a fucking break. I told a father that I saw his daughter scratch another child's face, showed the child's bloody face to him and the skin was still practically under his daughter's nails, and the guy still sat there and told me that his daughter wouldn't do something like that and that "something else must be going on here." Further down the line on the bad parenting spectrum, I had social services and the police called on me earlier this year for possible child neglect and/or sexual assault over one 8-yr-old calling another 8-yr-old gay in the locker room. She also threatened to go to WBALTV and stand outside with a picket sign saying that we abuse kids. These kind of parents drag down the average. C-

Quote Of the Day 7/9/02

"That's fine. I'll just stand out there with a picket sign that says 'She's a knucklehead.'"

-Mr. Geoff


The two of them can march around in a circle on the FOX Evening News.

Stuck in an endless piggyback ride,

Mr. Jungle Gym.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Countries That Border The United States

Countries That Border The United States

Mexico - The most common thing that people have to say about Mexico is that you shouldn't drink the water. Everytime you go on vacation. "Don't drink the water." Don't drink the fucking water?! Are you serious? Can the Mexicans drink the water? I don't think I could live in a place where I couldn't drink the water. It's a pretty important ingredient in every food I make. I think I might be able to survive in a country where it wasn't a good idea to eat the maraschino cherries, but water? So unless you enjoy dysentery, I guess it's not a great place to be. No wonder they're all trying to flee across the border. D

Canada - I'm not even going to make a joke about Canada. They've all been done. I just checked, and every single Canadian joke has been done at least 250 times. So rather than flog a dead maple leaf, I'll move on. C

New Jersey - I know it's not a country, but I'd like to say something. I've been to New Jersey and it stinks. Literally. At least the half of New Jersey that wants to be Philly does. I haven't heard great things about the half that wants to be New York either. But Trenton stinks. There's a reason they call it the arm pit of America and it has nothing to do with geography. I wouldn't drink the water from there either. F

Atlantic Ocean - Well, I know it's not a country. It's not even a land mass. But it is huge. And it does border the US. And did you know that it has the largest mountain range in the world in it? The largest mountain range is actually under the water in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean called the Mid-Atlantic Ridge. It comes complete with active volcanoes and everything and it's all under seas level. Pretty neat, huh? But not quite neat enough to make you forget that it's not really a country. F

Quote of the Day 6/11/02

"Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian pizza?"

-Megan O'Canadien


Turns out there was still one out there.

Blaming New Jersey,

Spastic Man.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Career Moves for Participation in the Celebrity Boxing Match

Career Moves for Participation in the Celebrity Boxing Match

Todd Bridges - Apparently, this guy was in Roots before Different Strokes. -Cut to 2002- His new movie, I Know What You Did In the Hood, is due out in theaters in the fall. Talk about falling hard. I imagine he got more money from celebrity boxing than all six of his 2002 films will gross. Plus, kicking Vanilla Ice's ass on national TV was everybody's dream at one point in time. A-

Vanilla Ice - Another "nowhere to go but up" case. Maybe if he had won this fight, it would have been a different stroke. But as it stands, he got his ass plastered by Willis. That can't be good for his bad boy image. But at least he still has those ugly tattoos to fall back on. C-

Paula Jones - She was filling in for Amy Fisher, who they wouldn't let out of jail for the fight, and I'm not kidding. Not that the turning her head away and walking backwards technique isn't her best chance at surviving, but it didn't make for the greatest show. I take that back, yes it did. It was kinda funny watching Tonya Harding bang her from behind while she ran all around the ring. Kinda like life in the oval office. B-

Tonya Harding - This event screamed Tonya Handing from the second I heard of it, right before it came on. Of course she was going to kick Paula's ass and everybody knew it. She did not dissapoint. And she didn't need a crobar and a couple thugs to do it. At least Paula wasn't screaing "Why me?!" the whole damn time. A+

Danny Bonaduce - Not only was this event right up his alley, but it was probably his idea. A+

Barry Williams - What the hell was he thinking?! He better either be broke or owe somebody a huge favor for this. First of all, he shouldn't even take his shirt off on public TV for less than $2 million dollars. And maybe it was ego, but Danny Bonaduce is younger (at age 42), stronger, in shape, and has boxed before. After that performance, I'm pretty sure Alice could have kicked his ass. D

Quote Of the Day 3/12/02

Rachel: "Why does he keep falling down?"
John: "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because he's 47 and he's never boxed before?"


No. It's got to be something else.

Spreading some vanilla icing,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Shit That's Happened To Me In the Last Year

In case you've forgotten, and you probably have, every Tuesday was dedicated to rating some random things in the world, like my nicknames and ways to get money illegally. This was done to try to buy myself some material on a slow week. It also makes plagiarism a lot easier. Anyway, I'm going to try to continue that trend again this time around.

Shit That's Happened To Me In the Last Year

Torn hamstring - I battle all the way back from a ruptured Achilles tendon and a torn ligament in my other foot to do this shit. Ironically enough, I was wearing braces on both ankles, because I couldn't financially afford another injury. Go figure the one part of my body I've never had problems with should call it quits. I really think I just completely used up my body already. D

Scotland - I went to Scotland over New Years and it was the first time I had been outside the country ever, unless you count the 3 hours I was on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, which I don't. It was different. There are more castles. And less heat. And nobody could really appreciate my Doug Flutie jersey. And I had no idea how the hell to spend money over there. But I didn't have to work and they have naked chicks all over their newspapers. B

The girlfriend saga - Well, it was certainly fun while it lasted. I finally convinced my family that I wasn't really gay and that I wasn't afraid of commitment. Then we broke up and I started drinking mineral water. I guess I'm back to square one. B+

Blown head gasket - On the plus side, I finally know exactly what happens. From the possible causes down to how to replace them. This is at least the third time that I've done this to a vehicle of mine, possibly the fourth. I've actually lost track of how many head gaskets I've blown in my very short driving career. Does this happen to anybody else out there? Why me all the damn time? I've never heard of this happening to anybody until I did it the first time, and now I've done it to three completely different types of cars. Do I drive differently than everybody else out there? And since when do I have to change my oil once every 3 years? F

So Mike and I were at Hooters, where I generally have all of my life-altering revelations, when I had another one. We were watching football and I turned to him and told him flat out that I had just decided that I was going to be a pro football player...

Quote Of the Day 3/5/02

"But you've already had a career-ending injury."

-Mikey McWawa


Damn the timing!

Running out of options,

Dustin Flutie.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Women's Hair Color

Rating Women's Hair Color

Blonds - OK. Blonds are typically looked at as the sexiest hair color in women. About 85% of guys are looking for a tall blond woman, or something like that. Lots more girls dye their hair blond to try to impress more guys (and girls) than other colors. I'd like to dispel this rumor. But I can't. As much as I try to have a different favorite hair color, it's hard. Don't know what it is, but the media is right sometimes. They missed the boat on wrestling completely, but blonds are fun to look at. A

Brunettes - Brunettes span the attractive woman superlatives. They can be cute or sexy, pretty or exotic, Treat Her Right or Back That Ass Up. I guess blonds can be too, and so can redheads too for that matter, but there's something about Charlotte from Sex & the City that just does it for me over the rest of them. Of course, Miranda isn't really representing redheads that well. Anyway, brunettes have that look in their eye like they've got it all together. I don't know what I'm talking about. A

Redheads - I've always had a redhead fetish as far as I can remember, and I don't know why. A girl with red hair for some reason gets a little leeway in other areas (such as the face) with me just because she's got red hair. I don't know why that is, but I'm sure I seem like a superficial prick to all of you now. Well, I figure you all know me well enough by now anyway. Besides, it's a subconscious decision, which makes me a subconscious prick, which probably isn't any better at all. A

Bald chicks - Well, I've only ever actually known and spoke to one bald chick and she was big and frightened me before she was bald, so it would be unfair to say I'm intimidated by all bald chicks, but based on the fact that they are still female, the can't get below an A -. A -

Greenheads - OK. These girls get below an A-. Same with orange, pink, purple, teal, etc. That just screams "FREAK." Except for that girl on Temptation Island. I think she's my favorite. But that's just the exception, thus proving the rule. D

While home in PA on another hot tub night, Teresa brought up how close we all seemed to be as friends, but also how incestuous we are with dating all the same people. It's like that Kevin Bacon game getting from one of us to another. Except Kevin. Kevin can definitely claim he's not incestuous. He went on to explain that it was just a choice...

Quote Of the Day 1/16/01

"Because I couldn't get any of your girls and nobody wanted mine. Remember Collete?! Who's gonna do that?"

- Kevin


I said it was a choice. I didn't say it was his choice.
Also, I'd like to commend him on a proper use of the word "that."

In search of a blond brunette redhead,

The Extendinator.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating American Time Zones

American Time Zones

Central - As time zones go in the US, this one is fairly acceptable. It's the largest one in the country due in large part to Texas, but it does split the Dakotas and Nebraska in half with the Mountain Time Zone, which is pretty fucked up. B

Pacific - The Pacific time zone only takes up 4 states and a small part of Idaho. Very underachieving. It's our smallest time zone and I think I know why. People have to wake up at like 8 in the morning on a Sunday to watch football. Who the hell wants to do that? And I was over in Portland during a Monday Night Football game and midway through the 4th quarter, it was still light out. I just couldn't live like that. Then again, I wouldn't need to stay up until 3am just to watch Moonlighting. C-

Eastern - This is obviously the dominant time zone in the country. Everything is "Eastern time." 10:00 Eastern time, 8 eastern/7 central time, coming up except on the west coast... That's another reason I don't like the Pacific time zone. They always gotta be different. Also, "Eastern Time" has now turned commonly into "Eastern Standard Time," further supporting that dominant time zone theory. A

Mountain - I've had my problems with this damn time zone in the past, and they were for very justified reasons. They just don't care as much about times and schedules out there. They have states that just don't feel like setting their clocks back or ahead ever. That can really fuck up a couple long distance travellers trying to pick up somebody's sister from the airport. And I had to argue with Kevin for about 2 hours to finally convince him that there weren't 5 time zones in the continental US. Stupid Arizona. D+

The Wadfather was down here for a little bit over Thanksgiving Break. Russ, Tony, and I had the fortune of dining with him at Rocky Run before he left again for Boston. He was telling us that we should come up to visit him sometime. He mentioned a Pub that he goes to a lot. They have a dollar draft happy hour and they have Guiness, Bass, Magic Hat 9, Resurrection...

Quote Of the Day 11/28/00

"You had me at Guiness."

-Russ.


Don't even get me started on the International Date Line.

Too tired to think,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Aspects of the Holidays

Aspects of the Holidays

Cookies - This is probably one of the best aspects of Christmas there is. Everywhere you go, people are offering you cookies and making cookies for you. It's gotta suck for people trying to watch their weight because they can't escape the endless torture that this cookie making holiday hell imposes upon them. But for the rest of us, eat on! A

Presents - Well, this is a two-edged sword. Unless you don't care what other people think of your gifts or of what you get. I think it's cool to get a nice gift every once in a while, but I think I stress out too much around the holidays about whether or not my Aunt is going to appreciate thoroughly the Espresso machine made in the shape of Paul Reiser's head. And it turns out that grandma doesn't listen to gangsta rap anymore either. And God forbid you forget anybody. But it is cool getting shit you want but wouldn't pay for. B+

Vacation Time - This is the single greatest thing about this holiday. Everybody has off. Schools and all other businesses. Schools are lucky enough to have off the entire week between Christmas and New Years. That's an awesome break to relieve some tension between summers. The students do however, have to worry about finals all the way up until the actual holiday on occasion. But if you're lucky enough to work at a college, you get the best of both worlds. A+

Family - Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my family get together, and the kids are great. But on the flip side, I get "So, are you seeing anybody? Why not? Is something the wrong with you? What ever happened to old what's her name? I know somebody you'd like." No you don't, grandma. And even if you did, it doesn't work that way anymore. We have no cattle to trade her family. And I don't have a farm that would require a child to plow it anyway. But I can handle that. It's when they lapse back into "So, when are you getting a real job? Did your parents bust their ass so you could become a flag football referee?" that I can't stand. I'm sure they're interested, but nothing's going on and I'd rather not talk about it. But you can't say that to them or it's considered rude, or so I found out on Thanksgiving 98. B

One of my secretaries (I have several) was telling us today how her dog chased her cat up into her tree. We thought this was moderately amusing until she mentioned it was her Christmas tree. That's really funny. I can picture ornaments flying off, tinsel getting stuck all over the cat's fur and in its paws. She didn't have to call the fire dept thankfully, but between the pine needles and the unhappy bitch cat, she required 13 stitches. Anyway, she was telling this story to my boss and myself, among others, to which my boss replied...

Quote Of the Day 11/19/00

"That's why I don't have a cat. Or a dog. Or a tree."

-Boss Man G.


Of course, he's Jewish. That event would likely start a 3 alarm fire in his house.

Going home for Christmas,

Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Days of the Week

I know I haven't done this in a while, but here are the Tuesday ratings for this week.

Days Of the Week

Saturday - Most Saturdays are spent trying desperately to get over a hangover so I can go out drinking again at night. My make or break point is usually around 7. If I still have a headache at 7, it's down time day. And the cool thing about Saturday is that you can do that crap. When you roll into work on Tuesday with a hangover, the day is not nearly as forgiving. A

Monday - This used to be the worst day of the week, because it was a cruel reminder of responsibility and a wake up call to the tune of Real Life singing "The Fun's Over Meathead, Get the Fuck Up." I hear that song about 4 or 5 times every morning in 9 minute intervals. But the night makes the day worthwhile. It has two of the greatest TV programs ever. Boston Public and Monday Night Football. That's right. Wrestling isn't even in the top 2 best shows on Monday night. Anyway, it makes up for the delirious funk I muddle through to make it to 8:00. B+

Thursday - Now this one is confusing. It was part of the weekend when I was in college, but it really isn't for people in the working world. Mind you, this is for people with real jobs like Mike and other people. I work, but part time. And at a college. So I'm really confused. But for other working persons, Friday is still an 8 hour work day that starts at 8 or something like that. Thursday is confusing now. And wrestling is on again. C-

Sunday - No other sport completely monopolizes a day like football does to Sundays for 17+4 straight weeks. And I LOVE IT! I drag myself out of bed at 11:00 to watch the pre-game shows and usually don't leave the recliner unless (with the exception of getting food) until about midnight. I fall asleep during halftime of one game and wake up during halftime of another game. It's a guy's bliss. And there's usually no wrestling to contend with. Awesome! A+

I actually learned this weekend that Philadelphia is last in the league at calling the coin toss to begin the game, having only gotten it right 2 out of the 11 games they've had. I think I watch too much football. I was talking to Russ about all the fantasy players I was trying to get on my team. I don't think I'd be able to afford them all and neither did he...

Quote Of the Day 11/14/00

"You're gonna have to start giving your players signing bonuses in order to fit them under the cap."

-Russ


I have two players holding out for higher salaries as it is. I hope I don't have to involve the lawyers like last year.

Living a fantasy,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Ways to Get Rid of a Crappy Car

Ways to Get Rid of a Crappy Car

Sell it - I can't remember if I actually tried to back up the last car I bought out of an ad in the newspaper. It probably didn't even cross my mind to check it out because I would assume that every car in the world would have it. So it's possible that I could con some unsuspecting victim into buying the thing for a few hundred bucks, if they neglected to check that feature out during the test drive. And they never needed to come to a complete stop. But even as much of a prick as I am, I don't think I could live with myself in good conscience. F

Fix it up and sell it - I suppose I could go get the $300 brakes fixed up and the $800-$1400 backwards problem fixed and try to sell it to somebody. But would anybody buy that car for around $1300? I did, but I don't think I'm going to find any other takers as stupid as I was. At most, I could probably sell that car for about $800. So basically, I don't think the car as a whole would be worth any more than the transmission I would need to fix it. F

Roll it down a hill into a pond - I'd definitely have a "throw the car into the pond" party for all those willing to risk getting caught by John Q. Law. But even if I found the VID# on the engine block (I think that's where it is) and filed it off, it's still probably just not good for the environment. It's bad enough for the environment on solid ground. Along the same lines as that is joy riding down a steep hill with no brakes and no reverse and playing chicken with whatever is at the bottom of it. But that's also very stupid and life endangering. F

Set it on fire - I suppose that would also be fun, but I'm not really as much a pyromaniac as I want to be, so it probably wouldn't be all that enjoyable. I'd try to collect insurance off of that, but I don't think the bare minimum policy allowed by the state of MD covers intentional fires. I'll check it out. F

Donate it to charity - Well, this has been the suggestion of at least 4 of you via e-mail since I sent out my last message. Most charity places will tow it away for free and give a $500-$1000 tax exemption thingy. Sounds like a good idea, doesn't it? Well, this is what I did with the last car (Pimp-Mobile Jr.) when I needed to get rid of him. The thing is is that I don't make enough money to itemize my taxes which would be the only way I'd benefit from the tax exemption thingy. Of course, there's the overwhelming feeling of good that I'm overcome with when I donate a piece of shit car to the American Cancer Society, because God knows they need one, but that's only worth a D. D

Quote Of the Day 10/24/00

Tonedef6: I saw two best picture nominees for the first time today
Tonedef6: I'll give you 20 bucks if you can guess which two
MJConover7: Citizen Kane and Titanic.
Tonedef6: maybe I should have clarified...nominees this year
MJConover7: Gladiator......and Perfect Storm.
Tonedef6: you're really bad at this


He's really bad at a lot of things, actually.

Anybody need a 12-ft parking spot holder,

Limp Daddy.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Rating Season Ending Injuries

A while ago, back when I was doing the quote of the day via typewriter and Pony Express, I did a movie review every Friday and a random review of different crap every Tuesday. I'm going to try to go back to that format now. Oh, and we're going to all collectively pretend it's Tuesday too.

Season Ending Injuries

ACL - The ever popular injury that sends people out of the NFL by the week. But there are so many ligaments around the knee, that people who completely tear their ACL can still apparently limp around. Some stupider people don't even know they did it (Evil Joe). And what the hell does it stand for? I'll bet 97% of you don't know. B-

Rotator Cuff - This is a little wussy injury that only happens to pitchers who, in my opinion, are like the place kickers of the baseball league. Half of them are too wussy to even get up to bat. Learn to throw with the other arm. Besides, people with this injury can still walk around and shower. D+

Broken bone - Very blah-zay, however I'm supposed to spell that French-sounding word. I broke my tibia or fibula or something. Boring. Unless you did it like Joe Theisman did. Or if the bone sticks out of the skin. C+ (compound fractures and leg injuries add one letter grade each)

Concussion - This isn't a real season ending injury unless you're a huge baby wus. But getting hit so hard that you go unconscious temporarily is a sign of bravery. And stupidity. And it's just football and like sports. You don't hear about wussy baseball guys or tennis chicks getting concussions. Troy Aikman has had 34 concussions in his football career, 12 by the Eagles alone. And he keeps coming back. Concussions are violent and the word sounds cool, but people are up and walking around within minutes. And they feel woozy all the time, which I consider a plus. But I imagine the headaches that follow aren't a joy ride. B+

Achilles - Vinny Testeverde ruptured his Achilles turning to go get a fumble. Nobody hit him. Just plant, twist, pop. An Achilles injury is purely a sign of getting old. But it is the mother of all leg injuries. Try jumping without bending your ankle. You can't. And without the Achilles, you can't bend the ankle. Trust me. You can't walk (unlike that wussy ACL). And it was named after a hero of the Trojan War with a cool story to go along with it about his mom dipping him in the River Styx and stuff. And it is associated with the word "rupture," which is probably even more violent sounding than "concussion." A+

But maybe I'm biased.

Well, I was sitting around with Rich shamelessly watching the women's volleyball club practice late last night. I'll admit, there are some lookers. And look is about all I can do at my Achilles-rupturing age. Anyway, Brad Fergus came up to me and Rich saying that he had found a new appreciation for volleyball now. To get that many tall chicks together with spandex on he said, was genius...

Quote Of the Day 9/12/00

"...and they even have knee pads."

-Big Bad Brad


I don't get it.

Just browsing,

The Watcher.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Rating My Friend's Senses of Humor

All of my friends have pretty much the same sort of sense of humor, but there are some notable differences. I may very well get my ass reamed for this, but I'm going with it anyway.

My Friend's Senses of Humor

Tony - Tony is definitely the wittiest of the whole group. And he's damn quick too. Tony's major flaw is that he's only funny to a select group of moderately to highly intelligent, well read folk. And a lot of it is subtle, so if you aren't listening close enough, you won't even recognize it as a joke. Basically I'm saying that if you don't think Tony's funny, it's probably because you're dumb. If comedy was like baseball, Tony would be leading the league in hits. A

Kevin (the cowboy) - Kevin is like the sleeper of the group. You really don't expect him to be as funny as he is, but he is. If slugging percentages were given out to comedians, he'd be leading the league. Kevin has a filter to get rid of most of the bad jokes he thinks of, and he's the best at saving the bad ones that still get through. But he still dresses like a cowboy and he moved to Oregon. Still, he's definitely got the best delivery of all of us. A

Mikey McConover - Mike's filter is busted. He knows it. He sometimes has to look behind him after he tells a joke, like when you're trying to convince people you aren't the one who farted. But he's best with shock value humor. Like spewing stuff from your nose kind of humor. I sound like I'm stretching but I'm really not. Mike's actually a good all around ball player. He'd probably lead the league in stolen bases and strikeouts. As in the kind that happen to him, not the kind the he happens to other people. A

Good Joe - With the possible exception of myself, I would probably say that this guy would be the next person in line to pretend to hit themselves in the balls, or actually hit themselves in the balls if the situation called for it to get a laugh. In case you don't want to guess what I meant by that statement, I'm basically saying that Good Joe will take a pratt fall and make it look good. He's more willing to go for the physical humor than most. It's when he opens his mouth that things start to go wrong. He's probably up there in the hit by pitch category. A


Well, you didn't think I was going to start a fight, did you? And the A+'s are reserved for people like Paul Reiser and Ryan Stiles. Maybe my dad. Anyway, this is a follow-up joke that describes what we think is funny around each other when we go out. This has a very good possibility of not being funny to anybody else. There, you've been warned. Anyway, this is what we think is funny at 1:30 AM on a Friday.


Quote Of the Day 9/23/99

Mike: "How long does it change you to take a shirt?"
GJoe: "Four."


Take it for what it's worth, but don't try to read anything into it.
You'll be here all night.


Going back to the minors,
DuckSkin.


Still Standing RIght Here...

Rating Things I Did This Week

The coolest thing about doing this instead of talking about myself is that I don't have to sit around and try to think of what I did over the course of a week and try to force it to be funny like I normally do.

Things I Did This Week

Won 3 Soccer Games - This is always a good thing. Especially when I get 2 assists from goal and we win one by scoring two goals in the last 2 minutes. But coolest of all, is that we didn't lose. A+

Lost 2 Soccer Games - You win some, you lose some. I lost these. And this was after I got kicked off the turf by the soccer team for the 3^rd time in 4 days. And I also blocked a shot with my face and not only did that give me a nose bleed, but they scored off the rebound. But I still had fun. B-

Got Kicked Off the Turf (again) - For the 3rd day out of 4, the varsity soccer team bumped me off the turf. Geoff said he heard me say the F word more in that hour than he had in the first year and a half I was working with him. We made due and played up on the grass (mud) field using cones for boundaries and a goalie box. I hate our current management. D-

Went On A Date With A Redhead - A+. That's all you need to know.

Ran Out Of Brake Fluid - Well, it's taken a while, but something finally went wrong with the car. It's extremely bad, but it should make for some pretty neat stories by the end of the week. C


Well, as I walked in the door to call the redhead the night of my date, the blond I was seeing a few weeks ago called. That was an awkward conversation. It became inherently obvious that April wasn't going to be able to handle me dating other women and just be friends. It's a longer story than I have time to tell you here. Anyway, I was telling this to Good Joe over a game of tennis, and this is what he had to say...


Quote Of the Day 9/22/99

Me: "It looks like I'm going to have to get rid of April."
GJ: "Yeah. I've never been a big fan of May either."


Now August, there's a cool ass month!


Driving with my foot above the emergency brake,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Ways To Get Money Illegally

Ways To Get Money Illegally

Pickpocketing - This takes a lot of skill and a lot of confidence. If you go into a pickpocket not so sure of yourself, you're gonna screw it up. And it's not like you can play it off like you didn't mean to take their wallet out of their jacket. I give props to good pickpockets. Bad pickpockets probably get their ass kicked a lot. A-

Blackmail - What a wussy way to get money illegally. People who blackmail other people usually don't even need the money, they just found something out they shouldn't have and try to get whatever advantage they can out of it. Blackmail is for pussies and capitalists. D-

Armed Robbery - People often get hurt in cases of armed robbery, and I'm not a big fan of people getting hurt, especially innocent people. And they have to be mean usually, or people just don't take them seriously. But at least they don't beat around the bush. "I have a gun. Gimme your money." No bullshit. You either have to have big balls or be stoned to be an armed robber. C+

Breaking Into A Bank or Other Place While They Are Closed To Steal Stuff - I'm sure there's probably a shorter legal phrase that means that, but you all know what I'm talking about, which is good enough for me. I can appreciate this. These people take this stuff seriously. It's like a real job. I set up inflatable pepsi cans for Ravens games, they break into banks and steal money. You need to be smart to do this stuff. And they really go out of their way to make sure nobody gets hurt. And they have neat tools that cut glass in circles. If I found out a friend was one of these people, I probably wouldn't turn him in. If I found out he was a blackmailer, I'd kick him in the nuts. A+


Quote Of the Day 9/21/99

"How long does it change you to take a shirt?"
-Mikey Khanover



Once he had already botched the coherent and grammatically correct sentence, he still decided to run with it. That was the cool part.


Embezelling and proud,
No Nipples.


Still Standing Right Here...