Nerds Gone Wild

Nerds Gone Wild

Ah, what the hell…

From zero to playa in 4 weeks.

Warning! Asshole alert ahead! Yeah, I can be an asshole sometimes. I’m gonna tell you about one of those times. It’s right now. And I have a few apprehensions about sending this out, so I hope you all appreciate the defamation of my own character for your amusement.

See there’s this group of girls (and guys) that I kinda randomly met playing volleyball this past Monday. They’re all college math geeks from all over the country here for a nerds gone wild trip for four weeks over the summer. I could tell this one girl was pretty into me. She was pretty cool. Her friends were also pretty cool (danger – fence straddling ahead!). Especially this one in particular. No! Stupid Dustin! Ah, what the hell… So we wound up at B Dubs late one night – me, the two of them and another quieter girl who didn’t make the cut (OK, now I’m just being cocky). Anyway, the first girl, who we’ll call Girl A was definitely making eyes at me that even an idiot (apparently) could see. But then the other girl (Girl B) who I liked got real drunk and took over the conversation. And I’m not one to shy away from vibrant conversation. The night ended up in us clearing away some tables and doing cheer routines. I was in. And thankfully I have an unbiased female confidant to help me interpret these signals like a good third base coach. She told me that they were probably both into me the way they both acted and then she proceeded to let me behind the curtain.

Apparently, there’s an inherent competition between females for a guys attention. Complete strangers, best friends, family members, it doesn’t matter. These females have some sort of code to try to vie for the attention of the other species. This code is very different from the male code, where if a female is showing interest, it is the other male’s responsibility to stay as far away from that situation as possible, even if it involves giving your friend the keys to your car and walking home. And looking back, now I see it. The more Girl B would talk to me and show me cheer moves, the more Girl A would reach across the table and pat me on the arm. So Jill says if I just feign interest in the both of them, I should be able to take my pick by week’s end, should that be what I want (jeez, I’m actually starting to want to slap myself). This is great news for me, because nobody is better in feigning interest than me. So anyway, I’ll keep you all posted on how this situation turns out (or I can just skip ahead in time and tell you that I’m gonna screw it up with both of them and probably piss some other people off in the process). But until then, I have hope. And that’s all I need. And alcohol.

And while I’m being an asshole, I may as well sell out another friend from a while ago…

Quote of the Day 7/14/06

“Women are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken. And the rest are handicapped.”

-Keith D


Being single is like playing euchre for me. Just because I don’t like the game doesn’t mean I’m not good at it.

-Back in the game,

-D Playa.


Still Standing Right Here…

ElimiHate

ElimiHate

This QOTD is Rated R for offensive language and sexual content

I was at a bar the other night and this show called ElimiDate came on the TV. For those of you fortunate enough to not know what that is, it's a show where four girls go on a date with one guy (or vice versa) and as the date goes on, the guy (or vice versa) gradually eliminates the girls (OK, you get it) one by one until he has only one left and this girl is fortunate enough to be declared the winner and I'm not sure what happens next, but I know from the one and a half episodes that I've ever seen that it is usually the sluttiest girl of the four so one can only imagine. I hate this show. I hate the concept of it. It's disgusting. It's kinda like if you took what little class there was in The Bachelor and flushed it down the same toilet that the "game show" Deal Or No Deal flushed all the strategy down. So yeah, dumb show that I would have never even thought to turn on if I was home, but I understand why it has a following and I know why they would play it at a bar at 2am.

So I find myself glancing at the TV and all of a sudden, up pops Ms. Heather! Ms. Fucking Heather! She was a counselor for me for like three years at UMBC Day Camp and I think we even hooked up once. Actually, I think I made that up. But it's easier than telling people here that we almost hooked up but we were both pretty trashed and then I was going after her friend too who I found out too deep into the courting process had a boyfriend and I'm pretty sure that I wound up sleeping alone thinking about my new "fence riding" theory. But if I'm pressed for time, I'll just say that we hooked up. Actually, she's on this list. Heather, write me back sometime to help jog my memory.

So yeah, there she was on TV. Sure it was just a stupid MTV Generation Y show, but she was on national television trying to beat out three other guys to... do whatever winners do on that program. And after they show the four chicks, they showed the guy. And it was my idiot friend Eduardo Van Machos (name changed to protect the guilty)! You gotta be kidding me at this point. I was going nuts at this bar. Like I wasn't screaming enough about the chick I didn't really hook up with, but now this guy shows up on TV? There's no way any four females should ever be competing for him, let alone on national television. The girls in my volleyball class would fight over who got to play on the other court. Nobody else on the club team would room with him so I always got stuck with him on road trips. OK, I'm embellishing a bit because his job was always to be the butt of my jokes, but nonetheless I have lost a lot of respect for the people they pick to be on that show. Well when I think about it, I don't really know what I was expecting. I think I was better off with people I didn't know on the show. Then I can at least pretend that they are better than me and deserve to be on a date with four hot chicks trying to.. you know... win. You know I love you Eduardo. Even if you did vote Heather off first. She's too classy for you anyway. Well, that information is based solely on the fact that we never hooked up. Maybe.

And I never hooked up with Eduardo. No semantics needed with that statement.

Sorry to say, but I never found out how it ended because there was no sound and I was being kicked out of the bar (it was closing, I wasn't throwing olives at people or anything) and I had to drive a friend home to his wife and kids who I later found out is no longer allowed to be my friend. I've seen enough of Eduardo hanging all over girls at our national volleyball tournament in Charlotte anyway (and the local high schools). And if the end was anything like those experiences, it will directly contradict my theory about what really happens at the end of ElimiDate.

Unfortunately, I don't have any material written down about the plethora of stupid things that Eduardo has said over the years, but I can chronicle a few of the stupider things he's done in past years over the next few days. So I'll start with Charlotte again. We were at a party with the Xavier women’s volleyball club team and Eduardo was getting a back rub from this hot chick and things were heating up between them. Now, our volleyball club was like a cross-section of our school at UMBC. There was Eduardo, Ryan and myself at this party able to hold a conversation and interact with people of both genders. Then there was Neil and Amir, two of our - let's say socially awkward - friends who don't get out much. Which is fine with us and they were fun to hang out with, but it came back to haunt us (Eduardo). Oh, and meanwhile, the other half of our team had been back in the room since 8pm. So about 45 minutes into the backrubs and the running hands through hair and kissing on the neck (check out Eduardo’s moves on syndicated TV if you get the chance), Amir, who has been sitting on the ottoman for the last 2 hours just grinning, blurts out...

Quote of the Day 4/17/06

"Wait, Eduardo. Don't you have a girlfriend?"

-2004 Cock-Blocker of the Year, Amir

Whatever Eduardo's actual status was with the girl who hung around him a bunch, it was all the same to Amir. And it was a bit too late to try to explain that to the Xavier girl who had already kicked him in the nuts. But hell, it made my week.

1999 Cock-Blockee of the Year,

Coach.

Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Volleyball Team's Practice Jerseys

Volleyball Team's Practice Jerseys

Syracuse women’s team - It's fashionable at the national club volleyball tournament to put cute sexual innuendos on the back of your shirts. It seems like a great opportunity to try to be more clever than the next team. Instead, I think most of the girls teams just try to sound dirtier and sluttier than the next team. The Syracuse women's team had big orange letters that said "HIT THIS" on the back of their shirts. On the very bottom in small print in parenthesis, it said "(again)." Apparently, last year's shirt said "HIT THIS". I'll give them props for keeping a theme and sticking with it, however bland it may be. At least it had something to do with volleyball. B-

Drexel men’s team - Theirs simply said "I gave my kneepads to your girlfriend." Now, I suppose it's somewhat volleyball related, but it's just not very funny. And if you're gonna be rude, at least be funny about it, or else you just look like an ass. D

Miami University women’s team - "All we do is BANG BANG BANG." OK. I got it. It's got the volleyball thing going on and the sexual thing too. At least they tried to make it about volleyball on some level. There was one shirt there that said "Spit or swallow, you decide." I refuse to rate that one. This one: C-

UC Davis men’s team - The logo for the NBA is a white silhouette of Jerry West dribbling a basketball inside a tall rectangle. The right of the rectangle is blue and the left of it is red and underneath the logo, it says "I love this game." Well, UC Davis' shirt had the same rectangle, except in the middle of it, there was a silhouette of a volleyball player spiking a ball and underneath it said "I love this game too." It was the only shirt without a sexual innuendo on it and it was clever and very classy. Not bad for California boys. Not to mention they paid for a two color screen. A+

Xavier men’s team - "You may beat us when we're sober, but get us drunk and we'll bang your girlfriend" They lost their way somewhere in that shirt. I think they got tired of being creative halfway through the saying. I wonder if they talked about that or if they just had to come up with something on the spot. Cause it sucks. F

Quote of the Day 4/13/04

"We hit it from every position."

-Maryland's women's team

This was the most clever of all the shirts with sayings on them, pathetic as it may be compared to the twenty-something that Steve, Keith, Justin and I came up with on the van ride back from Charlotte (you'll read them soon). At any rate, I thought it was a good balance between volleyball and sex and it's motivation enough for me to stay in touch with them. :) A

If it ain't hard, it ain't goin in,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Jobs I Don't Have

Jobs I Don't Have

So the trip to Charlotte was about par as far as volleyball was concerned, great as far as my strep was concerned, and awesome for this little humor column I got going on. I could probably go on for the next month on stupid comments, busted pick-up attempts and sexual innuendos. But in the interest of getting to bed sometime tonight, I'm gonna cut it off at one story.

So we were sitting at the scorers table watching Providence College play their game. Jason was talking to one of the players on the bench and was impressed that they had such a good team with an enrollment of only 4,000 students. I told him that I knew a lot about the school because I had actually applied for a job there last year. In fact, the person hired in what would have been my position was this chick just out of college. There was a girl who fit that description sitting on the bench with them who I assumed went with the team as a team liaison. So I told Jason that I knew so much about the school because I had applied for that girl's position. Jason wouldn't leave it alone at that and continued to fraternize with the guy on the bench and this is what he found out...

Quote of the Day 4/12/04

"If he applied for her position, he applied to be one of the player's girlfriends."

-Some guy from Providence College


Yeah. And I didn't get that job either. :(

Eating solid foods again,

Swallowing Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Achilles and the Perspiration

Achilles and the Perspiration

Thursday marked the 3 month anniversary of the bad day. And I did something that Thursday that I don't think I've done since it happened. I actually sweat. I know it sounds pretty trite to brag about perspiration, but it took me by surprise. I was peppering around with Rich when I looked down and realized I was sweating. It was a milestone in my recovery stage. I'm excited. I'm actually trying to find other ways to sweat. If any of you know any redheaded volleyball chicks, tell them I'd like a little help with this new stage of physical therapy. In fact, they don't even really need to play volleyball. Or have red hair. The chicks part is mandatory though.

Speaking of volleyball chicks, our girls club team is playing in a tournament at JMU this weekend. They left this morning at 4:30am to get there. That's pretty damn early. They were talking about it at practice on Tuesday and one of the girls asked if somebody would make sure she was awake on time...

Quote Of the Day 11/10/00

"You mean kinda like a wake up call? What do you think this is? A Holiday Inn?"

-Bach


From out of nowhere some old lady started cracking up.

3 months down, 3 to go,

Sweating Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Season Ending Injuries

A while ago, back when I was doing the quote of the day via typewriter and Pony Express, I did a movie review every Friday and a random review of different crap every Tuesday. I'm going to try to go back to that format now. Oh, and we're going to all collectively pretend it's Tuesday too.

Season Ending Injuries

ACL - The ever popular injury that sends people out of the NFL by the week. But there are so many ligaments around the knee, that people who completely tear their ACL can still apparently limp around. Some stupider people don't even know they did it (Evil Joe). And what the hell does it stand for? I'll bet 97% of you don't know. B-

Rotator Cuff - This is a little wussy injury that only happens to pitchers who, in my opinion, are like the place kickers of the baseball league. Half of them are too wussy to even get up to bat. Learn to throw with the other arm. Besides, people with this injury can still walk around and shower. D+

Broken bone - Very blah-zay, however I'm supposed to spell that French-sounding word. I broke my tibia or fibula or something. Boring. Unless you did it like Joe Theisman did. Or if the bone sticks out of the skin. C+ (compound fractures and leg injuries add one letter grade each)

Concussion - This isn't a real season ending injury unless you're a huge baby wus. But getting hit so hard that you go unconscious temporarily is a sign of bravery. And stupidity. And it's just football and like sports. You don't hear about wussy baseball guys or tennis chicks getting concussions. Troy Aikman has had 34 concussions in his football career, 12 by the Eagles alone. And he keeps coming back. Concussions are violent and the word sounds cool, but people are up and walking around within minutes. And they feel woozy all the time, which I consider a plus. But I imagine the headaches that follow aren't a joy ride. B+

Achilles - Vinny Testeverde ruptured his Achilles turning to go get a fumble. Nobody hit him. Just plant, twist, pop. An Achilles injury is purely a sign of getting old. But it is the mother of all leg injuries. Try jumping without bending your ankle. You can't. And without the Achilles, you can't bend the ankle. Trust me. You can't walk (unlike that wussy ACL). And it was named after a hero of the Trojan War with a cool story to go along with it about his mom dipping him in the River Styx and stuff. And it is associated with the word "rupture," which is probably even more violent sounding than "concussion." A+

But maybe I'm biased.

Well, I was sitting around with Rich shamelessly watching the women's volleyball club practice late last night. I'll admit, there are some lookers. And look is about all I can do at my Achilles-rupturing age. Anyway, Brad Fergus came up to me and Rich saying that he had found a new appreciation for volleyball now. To get that many tall chicks together with spandex on he said, was genius...

Quote Of the Day 9/12/00

"...and they even have knee pads."

-Big Bad Brad


I don't get it.

Just browsing,

The Watcher.


Still Stranded Right Here...