Idiot Tax: Revenge of the Savings Account

Idiot Tax: Revenge of the Savings Account

So I’m not feeling particularly funny today. This happens time to time. Like I wrote another e-mail and talked on IM for a while and I just wasn’t feeling it. It’s a lot like it is with sports. Some days the jumper is just falling and some days… it’s not (see, told you I wasn’t funny). But I need to tell you this story because it’s true and probably funny enough on its own that I can’t fuck it up with my mood.

I have my checking account linked to my savings account for overdraft protection purposes. This is nothing earth-shatteringly revolutionary by any means. I just do this should I accidentally lose track of exactly how much money I don’t have and take out more than I have in my checking. I also have my account set up to transfer a few bucks from checking to savings every 2 weeks. That way, I can earn up to 17 cents a month in interest (see, the funny isn’t working – I’ll just get to the story). Anyway, I checked my account today just to see how much money I don’t have. Turns out, it’s most of it. Some automatic transfer took more money out of my checking account than I had. So my savings account stepped up to the plate and saved the day (maybe that’s how it got the name “savings account”). It sacrificed some of its own money for the better of the team. And the bank only charged me $7 for this act of kindness. So I went to look at which transfer put me over the top. Car insurance? iTunes? Girls Gone Wild: Semester Abroad? Nope. It was the automatic debit that my savings account takes out every two weeks! (Say what?!)

To recap, my savings account tried to take more money from my checking account than was in there. When my checking account is threatened like that, my savings account deposits money in there to help out at a cost of $7 per transaction. So my savings account took too much out of my checking account so the same savings account had to put money into my checking account for it to take out. And my bank apparently charges my bank accounts $7 to play this fucked-up fiscal version of hot potato. The left hand didn’t take from the right hand, the left hand saw that the right hand didn’t have what it wanted, so it gave the right hand some of what it wanted, then took some of it back and threw some of it down the toilet. This is another example of idiot tax. But somehow I don’t feel like I’m the idiot this go-around.

Our camp was at Hueston Woods last week and I was taking pictures of the kids and counselors in the kayaks and out of the kayaks and stuff (man, I'm just really not hitting my stride today) and I pointed the camera at one of the counselors to try to get a shot of her with her towel folded up on her head to keep the sun off her face. She shoved her hand into the camera and said…

Quote of the Day 7/22/06

Jen: "No swimsuit shots."
Me: "What if I promise to only get you from the head up?"
Jen: "No, I don't really like my face either."

OK, how about the forehead up?

Bankless in Ohio,

Fishman.

Still Standing Right Here…

Rico Gawky

Rico Gawky

I'm really exhausted, but this was too funny to let go another day. Of all the stupid things I've ever said to a girl I was interested in, this is probably in the top ten. Not quite the top five, let's remember some of my other lines ("Who the fuck are you" comes to mind). But before I get into it, I need to go over a few of my theories.

Now I shouldn't let some of you women behind the curtain, but you would also be a fool to let my theories of relationships make you consider things any more seriously than your average Quantum Leap episode. These theories have to do with exceptionally attractive women. See first of all, guys like myself and Tom have been raised to believe that all attractive women are snobs. All apologies, but that's the shit you learn in high school when you run cross country and work in the video lab. So if they show any sort of interest in you, odds are that they are interested in you or at least want something from you. This is why it's exceptionally difficult to accept that an overly attractive girl that comes up to talk to you just wants to be your friend. For the record, this sounds really idiotic now that I reread it, but I didn't really expect too much out of it anyway.

Counteracting this theory is the "low self-esteem corollary." If one of these subjects happens to actually be interested in myself (or Tom), it can be quite intimidating and odds are against any sort of cooperation on our end. At least, this is my reaction. So when a somewhat unmistakable pick-up line came out of her mouth, jokingly or not (something like "so, do you have any more room in your little black book?"), my reply was something to the effect of "I don't do very well with extremely attractive women." And I didn't really recover either. Some people think that it was kinda cute. Maybe if I had thought of something to say after that other than "OK, I gotta go." But most laugh in my face. Certainly not my worst work, but I think I'm putting it on the back burner until I can think of something to use it in tandem with. And I also think I've proved the statement correct unintentionally. This is why I'm sticking with the chicks that don't think they're pretty. Whether they're right or not (that's just wrong, dawg).

So Keith D (the non-roommate Keith, as I call him when I have the time), suggested that I photocopy a page from my little black book (which hasn't had a new phone number put in it since I got my cell phone 3 years ago) and circle a blank spot in it and give it to her. This is certainly the funniest approach, but I don't think funny is necessarily the direction I want to head. So he gave me some other ideas like handing her a note saying "do you like me?" with two boxes saying "yes" and "no..."

Quote of the Day 12/13/04

"It's so old, it's kind of original again."

-Keith D


I think I'll choose funny over stupid. But I'm afraid I'm doomed to stupid anyway.

Flailing my limbs in the ocean of predictability,

D Wreck.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Actual Reasons Guys On Our Varsity Basketball Team Got Kicked Off the Team For

If you guys don't normally read these, this might be a good one to break that tradition for...

Actual Reasons Guys On Our Varsity Basketball
Team Got Kicked Off the Team For

Now, to preserve the anonymity of the criminals/suspects/just plain idiots, I've decided to disguise their actual names. Though, since all of this was in the UMBC or county public police log, and since they aren't around anymore to kick my ass, I don't feel so bad (or scared).

Dong Yates - OK, some guy had his bike stolen from the RAC (UMBC's gym) about two weeks ago and reported it stolen to the police and everything. He came into the gym yesterday and told me and Geoff that his bike was back outside and locked up. So we waited for the "perp" to unlock the bike to see who it was. And what do you know, it was Dong unlocking the bike after bball practice. So Geoff and the campus police asked him where he got it. His response was that the bike wasn't originally locked up, so he thought that somebody was just "giving it away." So he took it and put a lock on it, making it his own. And thought he could get away with it. New Yorkers are so dumb. B*

Reefer Mulligan - Well, all this guy was doing was smokin a doobie with one of his bball buds. They were smart enough not to bring it into the dorm too, and they were out in their car. Well, the police saw the smoke-filled car and started drawing closer. So Reefer and friend opened the door and took off. Not knowing that one of the cops had seen almost every game that season. Also, not figuring that the police would be able to trace the license plate back to him either. But you know about these guys from New York. B+

Issac Crook - So the chemistry department had one of their computers stolen. About 6 months later, out of the blue, their computer popped back online. So using the IP address and other networking crap I can't do, they tracked it down to the dorm room, and sure enough - guess what was there? Yep. And this is a local boy. A-

Will Jerkin - OK. This one combines the ignorance it takes to be a crook, the meatheadedness it takes to be a bully, and some flat out audacity disguised as idiocy. So this really big guy (about 6'8" or so) takes this cell phone from a girl he just met while he was out somewhere. Then she calls him on it when she realizes she's missing it and he answers and offers to give it back. For $100. So she agrees to meet him at the designated meeting place. Only she shows up with cops. New Yorker #3 A+

Sam Grand - No left hand, doesn't play D, never passes the ball. He just sucks. C-

* - It should be noted that Dong didn't get kicked off the team for that,
but rather, he just sucked too. C+

Lauren and I were discussing some of the stupid rules of the NCAA a few days ago. There are books filled with all the specific recruiting violations, how often you can talk to someone and what you're allowed to say, etc. Well, in a little twist of fate, it looked like she was going to be living with one of the guys on the baseball team. And now since Lauren works in the athletic dept, there are rules she had to make sure she doesn't break...

Quote Of the Day 1/28/03

"No, I'm allowed to let him live with me, but I just can't give him a ride to class."

-Lauren


To which I replied "well, I'm allowed to have sex with all the girls on the volleyball team as long as I don't get caught playing volleyball with them." Not kidding. But one is much more likely than the other.

Shot clock violator,

Duckpin Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...