Loins & Linen, Groins & Garb

Loins & Linen, Groins & Garb

Well, when I originally decided to leave all my friends and family behind on the east coast to move to Fantasy Island, I did it because I wanted to find out more about myself, to see what I was made of. As it turns out, I’m made of tinfoil and yarn. Like I couldn’t have found that out without moving all my crap 600 miles inland. So it looks like I tore my groin again. Or at least pulled it. And not in the fun way (if I’m going to go through the same injuries, I’m going to use the same jokes). This is going to completely ruin my sex life. Now I’m going to have to watch porn sitting down.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw out a quick hitter since I haven’t yapped at you cats in about a month. I’ve actually been working my ass off (another injury I’ll tell you about later) on this special project I’ve been given by my boss’s boss’s boss. But when I asked, he was actually able to grant me more hours in the day so I guess I can’t complain too much. But I really should be getting to bed. I need to squeeze in at least 2 hours sleep if I’m going to be working 28 hours tomorrow.

Speaking of things ruining my sex life (segue successful), I have serious wardrobe issues. All the outfits that Steph dressed me in years ago have all gotten lost or stained or I forgot how to match them with other stuff that I have. It was easy, I was told exactly what matched with what and how to wear clothes and when stuff was appropriate and everything. But now I’m trying new stuff out here and it’s tougher to try to fit into this Fantasy Island society also. So I’ve taken to trying some new techniques. I tried wearing this corduroy shirt with jeans and socks with sandals. My sister looks down and asks me if I’m seriously wearing socks with sandals. I tried to tell her that I was going for this “I don’t care what anybody thinks of me” look and how that was going to work for me. She agreed. Kinda…

Quote of the Day 12/11/06

"Yeah, it kinda has this ‘I’m definitely not picking up any chicks tonight’ thing going on.”

-Sisfish.


Looks like I’m going to need to tweak that outfit a little bit.

Sitting out the next dance,

Groinless in Ohio.


Still Standing Right Here…

Rating Things I Did In the Blizzard of 03

Rating Things I Did In the Blizzard of 03

Dug My Car Out of the Alley - OK. I know I mentioned to you what happened after I dug myself out of the alley the first time. Well, I went right back in the alley and thought I'd have a leg up on anybody who was going to try to get out the following day. Well, my car got covered in another foot and a half of snow and the plow came by, erecting a three foot wall of snow at the end of the alley anyway, negating all the work I had just done. And where was I going to put the snow? We had to either throw it back onto the street or onto other people's cars. I think the whole neighborhood noticed that this one guy wasn't moving his car anytime soon, so we piled up like 13 car's worth of snow onto his car. He still hasn't gotten out. C-

Hopped the Fence of Camden Yards - I probably shouldn't go tooting this around everywhere, especially because there's video of it, but what's the point of breaking into a major ballpark during a blizzard if you can't tell anybody. We (me, Steph and her two Canuck friends) were going to make snowmen on the field in every position with pink hats on, but the snow wasn't really packable, and somebody was a little baby wus and didn't want to go onto the field (me). But it's still a pretty cool story to tell. Not as cool as the couple who had sex under the jumbo-tron during a game (and got caught on video), but still pretty damn cool. A

Walked to Metro and Back - We couldn't think of a closer place to get food and Pickles Pub was all out of stock after Sunday, so we walked to Federal Hill. It took us 2 1/2 hours total. We went the long way there along the major road that I knew of and guessed our way back passed all the other open grocery stores and mini-marts mocking us. C-

Dug Pete's Car Out Of the Snow - Well, Pete was way back in the alley and it would have taken him all week to try to shovel himself out. So he wiped the snow off of his windshield, put a gallon of salt under each wheel and tried to ride over the snow to the clear part where my car used to be. He got up and over the snow and made it to the clear part, but only the back end. The front end was stuck on top of the snow and the front wheels were in the air just spinnin. So we filled up a tub of hot water and poured it on the snow under the car. That shit actually worked. That was cool. But not Camden Yards cool. A-

Jere had just got finished digging (and melting) Pete's car out of the snow and was sick of it. These kids were walking down the street with shovels offering people money to dig their cars out (I think I messed that up). Anyway, Jere told these kids he'd give them $50 if they dug his car out. "Shit yeah" was their approximate response. "Which one is it?"

Quote Of the Day 2/25/03

(Jere looks down the street)... "I have no idea"

-Jere


Hope it wasn't that one with 13 car-fulls of snow on it.

One down, 29 more to go,

Camden Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

A Canuck Valntine

A Canuck Valntine

Sorry I haven't gotten to you guys in a week, but my keyboard was plowed in. :

HOLY LOW PRESSURE SYSTEM, BATMAN! That was just insane! I just kept looking out the window and it just kept coming. I went to bed and woke up and it was still snowing. I did the same thing again, and it was still snowing. Steph's cousin and friend from Canada said they've never seen it snow for that long. They said when it snowed that much in Toronto last year, they had to call in the National Guard. Well, what else are they gonna do?

Meanwhile... back in Baltimore... I dug my car out Sunday afternoon and pretended I was going to drive it to school. After an hour and a half had gone by and I managed to get it out of the alley (we didn't even have to dig it out yet) and into the gas station less than 40 feet from my front door, fishtailing, spinning wheels, dropping radiator fluid by the liter, rocking from 1st to reverse, 1st to reverse, we decided to pack it in, cut our losses and not risk my bald ass tires (no more illegal metal studs on this one) on any road where other cars may want to go anywhere at a rate faster than 40 feet per hour and a half. And so back in the alley I went. For a while.

I missed my annual Valentines Day bashing QOTD because of the snow and the fact that we were waiting for Steph's cousin and friend who accidentally made a right at Harrisburg on their way down. But anyway, Geoff was asking me what I was doing for Valentine's Day and I told him I was going out with Steph and her two Canuck friends to Luigi Petti for dinner...

Quote Of the Day 2/24/03

"Is that how Canadians celebrate, with a three on one?"

-American Geoff

No.

Playing near the snow drift of tactlessness,

Snowed In Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Subway Show

Subway Show

Well, I reluctantly went to see the Caps play the Canadiens (for my unsportsically inclined, that's a hockey game between DC and Montreal). Such are the trade-offs I must suffer through having a Canadian girlfriend. Anyway, the game was decent. Hockey was played. No one got hurt. I was unaffiliated with either team, so I was just pretty much rooting for a football game to break out, or for a skate to fly off the ice and spear the creators of Joe Millionaire (who may or may not have been there) in the temple. So I went home relatively disappointed. But the subway ride home was probably the best part of the evening. The couple (mid-40s) sitting in front of us decided to put on a show complete with all sorts of sexual innuendos ("it ain't my fault your brother is bigger," to "well, your sister swallows," stuff like that - think QOTD the First Season if you were around then). I would say it was material inappropriate for subway conversation..., but I don't think there is such material. Hell, it's the subway. Anyway, they were leaving the subway, and the guy had gotten out of the station first and ran ahead of his wife (or random play-thing, who am I to assume?). When she got through the turnstiles and came running at him, he yelled loudly and in front of everyone...

Quote Of the Day 2/6/03

"STOP FOLLOWING ME, I ALREADY GAVE YOU YOUR $50!"

-Random Tactless Funny Man


To which she replied "I know. It wasn't worth it." I'm still not sure if that makes sense.

Seeking less sexual in your end o's,

Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Literal Highway Robbery

Literal Highway Robbery

I know a lot of you out there live vicariously through my idiocy, so I apologize for withholding that from you for so long, but you will have to wait no longer. What really cracks me up about this story is that I knew how stupid I was being, and I chose to see if my good luck could outlast empirical facts. Well, here's what happened:

I was driving my car back down from PA in the dark. I got somewhere around 45 miles from home and I noticed that the lights inside my car were dimming. I thought nothing of it. Well, about 10 minutes later, I noticed that the faintest of lights on my clock read 12:02 or so and it was only about 10:00. And the road was well lit, but I noticed that there wasn't really any visual difference outside the car when I turned my lights on and off. This became increasingly more evident as I turned off 95 to a gas station. As I had guessed would happen, the car would not start once I shut it off. It was the battery. No brainer. So I had Steph come pick me up and we'd take care of it the following day. So here's what I call "taking care of it." The next day, Steph drove me there in the day (when I didn't need lights) and I'd drive home without the use of anything that would require my battery. Deep down, I knew this wouldn't work, but on the surface, I was brilliant! So we drove about 5 miles down 95 and got stuck on the shoulder when my engine just shut off. So we broke down and went to Walmart to buy a battery and tried to install it. When we returned, I hit a snag that took me about half an hour to put in the battery. By now, it was pouring rain. Once I got the battery in, I fired her up and we were ready to go. Even if it was the alternator (which recharges the battery as you drive), I figured I'd be able to make it back home to my own mechanic before I needed it recharged. Well, that's not how alternators work. They actually suck the juice out of the battery and give it to the car. So about ten seconds after I started the car, nothing. We tried to jump it and the patrolling service vehicle tried to "hot shot" it to no avail.

So now I was stuck on the side of 95 instead of in a gas station. And I'd reached the end. I needed to get the car towed. And when the guy showed up, he priced it at $170 just to take it to the nearest garage. I wasn't exactly in the position to shop around, and I think he knew that. And from what I could tell when I asked him how much it would cost him to take it all the way down to Baltimore, he was just making shit up. And why not? So I had to fucking pay it. And the $400 for the alternator core. So I was bitching about the tow cost on the way home...

Quote Of the Day 2/3/03

"No shit. That's highway robbery... Literally."

-Steph


Which makes you wonder... how did they come up with that term?

Identifying the cost of stupidity,

Dumbstin.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Prodigal Sorcerer Returns

The Prodigal Sorcerer Returns

So I was 45 minutes into the first episode of Joe Millionaire, which I had taped earlier tonight so I could run back to pay the rent at our place, which by the way has been heatless during the coldest six days of the year, before returning to Steph's (sorta new g/f) where we also had the season premiere of Dead Zone from last night to watch afterwards, when suddenly I realized... my television watching addiction has gotten out of hand (so has this sentence). I blame the media. But seriously, I actually blame my VCR. I thought the realization that I could videotape stuff that I missed would help my social life, because now I could go out and watch Law & Order: Underwater Crimes when I got back from wherever I would have went if I had this theoretic social life and instead skip some of my other addictions. Like sleep (and work). But what has happened instead is that I've become a master of the record timer, setting up sometimes 6 programs in one night so I can watch them all when I get back from work. Steph loves this. I have over 65 hours of backlogged tapes to watch when I'm finished this e-mail. And 15 minutes of those belong to a show called Joe Millionaire, the rock bottom epitome of all reality TV shows (the rock bottom of TV as it is). And so I realized the former addiction that I've been neglecting for so long. That's where you guys come in.

So I'm gonna try to keep doing this again (yeah, right) to stay away from such horrible habits. I'm sure if my parents knew I was watching Joe Millionaire, they'd probably rather I was on crack. So anyway, I was talking to Kevin, who is in the Seminary, preparing to be a minister (that's actually not a joke) and we were watching the news on any given night of the week and heard that another priest was caught pulling an R. Kelly (but with a boy, of course). So I asked Kevin what the difference between a minister and a priest was with respect to altar boys...

Quote Of the Day 1/6/03

"Ministers don't get caught."

-He of the future cloth


Man I hope God has a sense of humor.

Back again,

Slim Gimpy.


Still Standing Right Here...