Quick Inside Slant: 8/23/11

Quick Inside Slant:
Impressions of the 2011 NFL Season by a collegiate intramural flag football legend

8/23/11

OK. Calm down people. It’s just the pre-season. Shit, there’s a legitimate quarterback battle in Washington and not because both Rex and Beck look bad. The Colts have lost more pre-season games since 2005 than regular season games. There is no tagline for that statement. Just sit back and revel in the mathematical anomaly of it. The outcome of these games certainly doesn’t matter. The only reason for the season is for fantasy coaches to evaluate talent before their league starts. And actual coaches I suppose. So please – Washington – save the hope talk for the Obama reelection campaign. Don’t put too much stock into these things. Unless you’re an Eagles fan. Then you can shit your pants just a little.

What the NFL games taught us this week:

· New York Jets/Houston (from 8/15) – Even when Rex says boring company line shit, he gets the lead on NFL Live.

· Philly/Pittsburgh – If Mike Vick plays like this all season, people will start to remember the dog thing a lot more vividly.

· New England/Tampa Bay – The Patriots probably only need one day of training camp to be even with the rest of the NFL.

· Washington/Indianapolis – The Colts have lost more pre-season games since 2005 than regular season games. I felt I needed to mention this again.

· Carolina/Miami –SportsCenter does a really good job of fooling people into drafting Reggie Bush way too high in fantasy leagues.

· Detroit/Cleveland – I might give the Browns a shot at a dark horse wild card berth if they weren’t in the same division as the Red Sox and Yankees.

· Arizona/Green Bay – We all know Kevin Kolb was overpaid, but can you really put a price tag on hope?

· Kansas City/Baltimore – I just found out that Kansas City made the playoffs last year. Huh. How about that?

· Atlanta/Jacksonville – Jacksonville is a close second to Denver for the team that will most likely start three different quarterbacks sometime this season.

· Tennessee/St Louis – Dear Chris Johnson, You’re fucking up everybody’s fantasy drafts. Stop it. Sincerely, Touchdown My Pants.

· New Orleans/Houston – OK Houston. I’m back on the bandwagon. Again.

· Oakland/San Fran – Two men were shot in the parking lot after this game. That’s probably how I would feel if I had to watch the whole thing.

· Buffalo/Denver – #1 selling jersey, #3 quarterback. Seriously, can we stop talking about him now?

· San Diego/Dallas – If the kickoffs were moved up 5 yards last year, San Diego may have won the Superbowl.

· Cincinnati/New York Jets – Plaxico Burress looks to be in playing shape again while the Bengals have shot themselves in the foot this year.

· Minnesota/Seattle – If I was Tavaris or Sidney, I’d have tried to sneak back on the Viking’s plane after the game.

· Chicago/New York Giants – Terrell Thomas, Giants star cornerback and leading tackler last year, tore his ACL and will miss the entire 2011 season. In related news, a cornerback led the Giants in tackles last year.

Seriously, two men were shot in San Fran after the game because of their adverse opinion of which is the better team of the two. I don’t know why anyone would want to go to a game anymore. I don’t like to risk getting beer spilled on me, let alone death. Thankfully, this philosophy also falls in line with my philosophies of being cheap and not leaving the couch.

Testing Loyalties

Testing Loyalties

Lord, I understand you work in mysterious ways and far be it for me to question Your method. I understand this is just one of those times when my loyalty is being tested. But I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t question why You would allow Sir Donovan to be traded within the division. I’m not necessarily a religious man, but to me, football is a higher calling. I worship at Our Lady of the NFL every Sunday and pray to the divinity of the Quarterback, Head Coach and Left Tackle.

I am here to ask for a miracle and I know you’ve granted them before. I’ve seen your work come to life in the form of the Immaculate Reception, the Holy Roller and the Music City Miracle. I know you rarely intrude into the business of personnel trades, but I remember back in 2004 when T.O. was a Raven for like 13 hours and then somebody yelled “do-over” and then he was an Eagle. Could you please do that again? I didn’t say anything about Brian Mitchell or James Thrash or even Jeremiah Trotter. But this is testing the boundaries of my loyalty as an Eagle fan living in a Redskin world.

My loyalty, first and foremost, will always be to the Eagles franchise. I believe in their front office and trust in this business move, as painful as it is for me. But I also have an allegiance to #5, as a great guy, despite T.O., Rush Limbaugh and the growing majority of haters in Philadelphia who can’t recognize how good of a player he is because he didn’t win a Superbowl. Philadelphia fans are stupid. On WIP, more than one person volunteered to drive him out of town because they hated him, a man who won more games than everyone but Tom Brady, Brett Favre and Peyton Manning in the last 10 years. And for that ass hole and the legions of morons like him, I hope for the success of Donovan. Because I have an allegiance not only to the Eagles and #5, but also to a good story. And it’s almost worth the success of the Eagles franchise to me just to see those haters eat crow. I’m not saying that I’ll ever cheer against the greatest team in any league that there ever could be, forever and ever, Amen. But when the day comes, depending on how things play out, I know I’ll be tested. I only hope I can stay strong for You.

In preparation, I’ve decided not to eat any solid foods for the next few weeks, as I’ll likely throw up the first day I see him in that burgundy and gold uniform.

Overtime is the Right Time

Overtime is the Right Time

Finally, after years of petitioning, picketing and writing letters (Ed note: the most he ever did was whine publicly about the subject on his facebook page), the NFL has changed its stance on overtime. The Dustin Fisher “Be the change you want to see in the NFL overtime rule” campaign finally paid off. But I’m not entirely to thank. I believe Gandhi deserves at least a shout-out. Woot to the Zen master!

So the rule used to be 100% complete “sudden death.” Or “golden goal,” if you’re not into all the negative energy surrounding picking on the losing team. The problem with that is that a lot of teams would run the kickoff back to the 40, get two first downs and kick a 40-yard field goal to win the game, without the other team ever touching the ball. This sucked for the team and the fans of the game that don’t believe that field goals should count after the 3rd quarter. Sure, there were arguments made that defense is also a facet of the game and you had 60 minutes to break the tie the first time around and a whole lot of other crap that didn’t make any sense at all. But it was really anti-climactic to see a great game decided without one team even getting to see the ball at all.

So it’s good to see that the Competition Committee decided to get rid of the sudden death aspect of the game. Except during the regular season. Or if you score a touchdown. Well, it’s a start at least, albeit a needlessly complicated one. But it’s good to see the fruits of my efforts did not go in vain. Next up: getting a top put on the goalposts. I’ll let you know when I come up with a catchy slogan title for that. I never honestly thought I’d get this far. Thanks to the Competition Committee, headed by Jeff… wait for it… FISHER. Coincidence? Unlikely.

Still Standing Right Here…

Our Fan-niversary

Our Fan-niversary

It has always been my belief that couples should not consider themselves official until they’ve endured at least one entire NFL season (two if you’re a Redskins fan because November and December don’t count). Well, as of Sunday around 10:30pm, Jen and I became an official couple. This is great news, mostly for her. Because now it means that football season is over and I have to take down all my Eagles blankets and banners and bar stools (no I don’t, but I wish I did). But it also means that we’ve endured the toughest stretch that a relationship can go through. Though being snowed in with each other for 6 straight days is proving to be an unexpectedly grueling challenge.

It didn’t always look like we were going to get here either. We started dating around playoff time last year (early January) but things didn’t get serious until I moved in sometime around draft day (mid-April). I know. I work fast. I warned her then but I don’t think she understood the magnitude of my addiction. There were some hiccups around August when pre-season games started popping up on the TV and fantasy drafts took up a couple weekends. But then the real season started. I don’t know that I saw her for the first four weeks.

See, I’m a Philly fan and before any of you say anything, I did not personally electrocute any dogs – so cut that shit out. Living down here in Redskin territory means that I have to leave the house to watch the game. I was out of the house so many Sundays in a row, Jen thought I had found religion. And that’s not an unfair parallel to draw. I would get dressed and attend every mass every Sunday afternoon at Our Lady of the NFL. We pray to the Holy Roller, the Music City Miracle and the Immaculate Reception, Amen.

And every Sunday, we had the same conversation. “I’m out at the bar… Because the game’s on… No, it’s not on at home... Yes, I know we get 8,000 channels, it’s not on any of them… No I can’t… Because there’s a game on after that and another one after that. I told you all this shit back in April – you said you’d be cool!” 17 weeks and I think we had a similar conversation at least 13 times and she was in the Ghaza Strip for 3 weeks.

Then she’d ask why we couldn’t do anything Monday if the Phillies already played. And yes, she called them the Phillies more than once. And guys, why do we have to watch the Monday Night games, even when it’s Cleveland and Oakland? Because we have Zach Miller on our fantasy team and we still need 8 points to win our matchup. That was the part that almost got the locks changed.

But we shot the gauntlet and made it through. So many other couples have failed. Not us. But it wasn’t easy. Getting grilled on politics and religion by her father the day we met was a cakewalk compared to these last 5 months. So congrats to us. Now that we’ve officially made it, she’s saying something about a ring. I assume she was talking about the Superbowl. I know. She’s great.

Oh, and ladies. If you’re one of those gals who thinks that your relationship is fine because your boyfriend doesn’t like football, well then he’s gay. And isn’t this a shitty way to find out.


Still Standing Right Here...

QOTD credits: Kevin Hershey – (Fanniversary, see comments below)

Touchdown My Pants: The 5th Day of Giftmas 2009

Touchdown My Pants: The 5th Day of Giftmas 2009

There are a lot of things in my life that I’m more proud of than I probably should be. Being able to diagnose my own injuries without seeing a doctor; knowing what porn sites contain viruses and pop ups; and being able to tell the difference between the Jonas Brothers to name a few. At the top of the list, however, is my fantasy football prowess.

For those of you who don’t know what fantasy football is, it’s basically D&D for people who make fun of the people who play D&D. We make our own team of NFL players and score points based on how well they perform each week. See, it’s totally different. And then we talk shit about our teams to each other like we had something to do with their success. It’s the last refuge of the unathletic. And it works with almost 100% success. Whereas you used to have to be athletic to brag about your sporting prowess, now you can stay connected by studying real athletes on the internet and television. Congratulations, America.

But this season marks a first. Touchdown My Pants (my fantasy team) won the fantasy championship which means I will actually get money for all the hours I poured into studying these real athletes. And so Jen and I went to Outback last night and I splurged on the 12 oz. rather than the 9 oz. that I normally get. It was still just meat loaf, but I was content. And we cheersed each other and proclaimed loudly “Here’s to Touchdown My Pants!” An elderly couple near us turned red. Three guys at the table across from us bought us a couple shots. The waitress gave us a free dessert. Thank you, Joshua Cribbs for your timely kickoff returns.

Re-Quote of the Day 12/21/06

“Fantasy football is like Dungeons & Dragons for guys who used to make fun of Dungeons & Dragons in high school.”

-Dave Bradshaw

He admittedly stole this from a comedian, but we can’t think of who, so Dave gets a point for now.

Ho-ho!

Santa’s ding-dong.

Still Standing Right Here…

The Jimmy Johnson Corollary

The Jimmy Johnson Corollary

So apparently, Jimmy Johnson is a complete idiot. I’m talking about the coach, not the racecar driver, though I don’t imagine it takes a brain surgeon to drive counterclockwise for a living. I never thought that anyone who coached the biggest thug franchise in college football and the biggest thug era of pro football would be the smartest guy in the world, but I didn’t know until a week ago that he was a complete idiot. I was so happy that somebody finally broke out statistics related to Bill Belichick’s decision rather than just cry about their feelings and what everybody else would have probably done. Here are the stats that he gave, though I don’t know exactly where he got his info from.

• Tom Brady converts 4th and 2 77% of the time.


• Peyton Manning scores from 70 yards in under 2 minutes 33% of the time.


• Peyton scores from 30 yards in under 2 minutes 58% of the time.

After the piece he did, I was happy to see logic and numbers introduced. And then, in an amazing feat of idiocy in the face of undeniable proof to the contrary – exposed by he himself with the stats he brought up – he used those numbers to say that Belichick should have punted.

What?

Even if Peyton scored every time from 30 yards out and never from 70 yards away, there was still a 77% chance of that decision succeeding. Again, I won’t even consider blocked punts, punt returns, muffs or fumbles. As long as Brady ran the ball for three plays and then punted in the context of the game, Peyton would have had to go 70 yards (or more) in about 30 seconds. If Brady didn’t get another first down. And this doesn’t even consider how poorly the defense was playing at that point in the game.

Anyway, I’m done talking about this now. I just wish somebody out there in the media was smart enough to point out the fundamental flaws in the rest of the media. God, I can’t wait to get famous.

The Beginnings of Something Bad

The Beginnings of Something Bad

So the XFL kicked off its inaugural season this past weekend. You'll excuse me if that doesn't inspire a break from my normal prose format. That reminds me. Thanks to all of you who responded to The Raven 2001, and even more thanks to those of you (Shannon) who wrote or e-mailed the Baltimore SUN, Jojo and Kenny, ESPN, Marty Bass, the Ravens, and so on. I don't think it actually got published or will get published anywhere, so I'll just have to settle for internet infamy. I've already gotten about 10 responses from people I don't know, some of whom got the poem from people I don't know either. That's pretty flattering. Thanks again. I'll do it again when the O's win the pennant.

Anyway, the new fandangled brand of football kicked off over the weekend, complete with horrible camera angles, gaudy uniforms and Xtreme audio problems. OK, yeah it's football. And yeah, they're trying, but I have a few problems with it. First, let's face it. These are players who were not good enough to be in the NFL for a reason. Also, nobody knows anything about them. Am I supposed to root for a team just because they're called the Hitmen? Actually, I like the Birmingham Thunderbolts because I think it's funny that Alabama has a pro sports team. Anyway, I think I heard more talk about the cheerleaders at work today than the actual game play. That's not really a good sign. I have a cable modem and a Pentium III. In other words, I'm not going to watch a football game just for the cheerleaders. But the XFL is getting some air time on SportsCenter, though I'll bet they have to pay a ton for it. Especially the way they're putting down the NFL, which I think is stupid. They are trying to appeal to football fans, who probably rather enjoy the NFL, and they have commercials with Steve Austin telling fans that the NFL is a league of sissies. I also don't think running their second nationally televised game opposite the Pro Bowl was a good idea for ratings. But that's probably why I'm not the commissioner. And how the hell do you put a line on a league that hasn't even played a game yet? "Yeah, I'll take the Maniax giving 3 1/2 and the over." You have a gambling problem if you're betting on the XFL.

Mike called me a few weeks back at a time which I knew wrestling to be on TV. I was astonished he wasn't watching it at the time. I was proud of him. I asked him if he knew wrestling was on...

Quote Of the Day 2/5/01

"None of these guys are on my fantasy team."

-He Hate Me Mikey


Fantasy wrestling. That's the sign of two things going way too far.

Nevermore,

Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...