Review of "The Mummy"

Uncle Dustin's Recipe Book

The Mummy:

1 pint of Army Of Darkness
3 Cups of Indiana Jones and the Raiders Of the Lost Ark (or whatever one you thought was the second best)
A pinch of The Ten Commandments
5 heaping tablespoons of 6.0 molar digital effects
George Of the Jungle
Mix until thick
Bake at 375 degrees until golden brown

I liked The Mummy. But I was expecting Stargate. Some sci-fi desert thriller. I got Army Of Darkness. Don't get me wrong, I love Army Of Darkness as much as the next cult, but I what I thought was water turned out to be Sprite. It was a little hard to swallow at first, but once I got the taste of it, I enjoyed it a lot. It wasn't quite gin or hydrochloric acid, but... well, you get the point. Be prepared for the movie to be somewhat on the silly side. I should have gotten a hint from the whole "Brenden Frazier" thing, but I chose to overlook that. But if you want to see some more good effects and you've already seen the Matrix 5 times this week, I recommend The Mummy. The effects were arguable just as good as those in The Matrix. They were just on two different planes. Like Sprite and Pepsi. But The Mummy took a little too long to get going. Just when I thought to myself, "this movie's got to get going soon," it started to. And I'm much more patient than a lot of people. I'm also much less patient than a lot of people. There was a lot of concentration early on the conflict between the Americans and the Europeans, which nobody really cared about once the Mummy came to life. Decide for yourself. I still recommend that you guys all go see it while it's at the movie theater. The effects just aren't the same on a 18" TV with mono speakers. The Mummy gets 8 bugs. That's 1/2 a bug less than The Matrix, 1/2 a bug more than Patch Adams, and the same amount of bugs as Wild Things. I'd say that's about right.

We were coming back from the movie Friday night, when a deer ran out in front of the car in front of us right near the entrance to UMBC where the speed limit goes from 55 to 25 on the same road. Anyway, the car in front of us slowed down a lot, and before we noticed the deer that this guy thankfully knew was there, we had no idea why this jerk had stopped in the middle of the road. Anyway, the deer ran by and I chose to yell out the window at it "Get off the road, Asshole!!" Drew had a different social commentary...

Quote of the Day 5/7/99

"I've heard of speed traps before, but this is ridiculous."

-Sparky


Damn government got the deer workin for em now too!

Happy Mummy Day,

Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of "The Matrix"

Alright, I'm gonna do this backwards for a reason. Tony, Drew and I were walking back from volleyball practice one night and we started talking about The Matrix. This was back before everybody had seen it already. I asked if it was supposed to be good or not. Drew said that a lot of people were saying that because of this movie, Star Wars was going to have a tough time being considered the best movie of the year. To this, Tony replied...

Quote Of the Day 4/2/99

"Really? But it's got Keanu Reeves in it."

-White Tony

That it does, and Tony, Drew, and I went to see it that very night. It was awesome!! Now, like any Keanu Reeves movie, all critiques of it must start with him. Just how bad was he in this movie? He was actually tolerable. And here's why: He wasn't actually required to act. He just had to pose. And he posed good. Like a dog looking at an algebra problem. Now onto the effects: They're like nothing you've seen before. Unless you've seen a Gap ad. But this time, they're not used to show a bunch of sickeningly cute people dancing. They're used to blow things up. Pretty cool. And this movie had no scantily clothed damsel in distress. Depending on what kind of a mood I'm in, that's generally a plus for me. It's a movie that's willing to stand alone on it's science fiction worth, which is generally not a risk one should be willing to take. But it got lucky. Sci-Fi fans, rest assured that you will love this film. It's trippy. It asks some really cool questions. It looks very pretty. And if you don't have time to watch TV like me, you can probably avoid seeing the entire thing in the previews. However, if you average sitting through 3 sitcoms a week, you've probably already seen the entire thing. And during the middle, when they're trying to explain everything to you, it actually sorta drags. If you can pretend you're actually really interested in it, you can tolerate the middle. That's how I got through most of my art history lectures. I mean, I guess it's important and everything to the plot, but it's sorta boring. That's maybe when I coulda used that scantily dressed damsel chick. Denise Richards would have been a good choice. All things considered, I'm giving it 8 1/2 bugs. I'm just glad it wasn't about algebra. It would have lost some serious buggage.

Love, broccoli bites, and volleyballs,

Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...