Five Univocalists Write about the Superbowl

Five Univocalists Write about the Superbowl
(based on an assignment from my Writing class)

Bad snap. Act fast and balk a sack. A ball falls as a man’s arms arc. All Pats fans gasp as a mass. Hands grab and grasp a ball. What a pass! What a catch! What a play! A dad stands and claps. Crap. A sad man prays at Allah and Martha Kraft, always a class act. “A hand, smart gal?”

Alas. A halfback trap and a crackback attack and abracadabra! Add a mark. Ass backwards and all.

The G-Men best the preferred peer’s seventeen. They let the G-Men get there, extended the secs left, help them get there themselves. We’ll see.

Seven secs left. The perfect-chested, revered expert sends the egg-sphere deep. Defenders merge. Wes Welker stretches, wrestles the defense. The defenders persevere. The end.

The teen peeps tweet “G-Men get revenge!” G-Men center, Snee, texts ESPN press “We deserve the respect. E’s the best ever.” Schlereth types “Well, best except Drew Brees.”

Winning is simplistic with Mississippi’s first pick, insists his kin in pigskin, Nicks. “His instincts is bitchin.” Criticizing nitwits dismiss his childish spirit, indicting him in writing. In hindsight, I think it stinks.

XLVI highlights find in it pick in third with him hitting dirt, mini-flip in first bringing six with it, diving miss in its finishing ticks. “If it is, it is. If it isn’t, it isn’t” sighs Bill, missing his win in his fifth bid.

Poor Tom. Boston’s top sports pro lost. No comfort for Tom’s droop. Boston’s townsfolk boo “Oh no! Son of God!” Mobs scold worth of no good Rob Gronk, old school jock who drops odd oblong orb. No crown for Boston. Not now.

Gongs toll for good crosstown. Joy on York, world’s top dog of now. Photos show Soho’s crowds of morons know how to show off. No gloom or doom on snob town.

Cruz’s run stuns rum drunk fun bunch, thus stung unfun gurus. Gurus dumbstruck, blurt “Shut up, butt-turds! Tuck’s guys such bums.” Turf burn hurts. Lung burn sucks. Dumb luck unfurls. Such fun.

The Humble Hero from Harvard

The Humble Hero from Harvard

Most sportscasters and NBA analysts will tell the story of Jeremy Lin in the context of how the breakout star is saving the New York Knicks’ season, especially through this tough stretch without the multi-million dollar stars, Carmelo Anthony and Amari Stoudemire. But the analysts with the ability and foresight to look at the big picture implications can easily see how this guy might be the guy to save the entire league.

I’ve spoken at length about how the NBA needs a hero. The downward spiral they’ve been on for years is fueled by this flux capacitor of selfishness with the increasingly egomaniacal players, the press who get paid to give the fans a story they want, and the fans that are being manipulated into believing in stats and the importance of winning by the machine. This is what we’re feeding our kids. The only way out of this mess is to find a selfless hero to give the press something to write about that the fans can appreciate. Which means he needs to be a winner, first and foremost, to sustain a public image. Kobe was that guy for years until the sexual assault charges ruined his Food, Folks and Fun image. LeBron was for a while too until he finally got tired of pretending he wasn’t an arrogant blowhard. And not that Jeremy Lin is going to ever reach the talent level of those two, but if he continues with this streak that he’s on and makes waves in the playoffs, he could be the story that saves professional basketball.

Some don’t believe the NBA needs saving. I understand. They still have fans. But I did something I hadn’t done in seasons. I watched a game. Well, the last 8 minutes of a game, but still. The NBA has become about highlights and contracts and superstars who score 35 points on 45 shots (that’s not very good). I was really hoping the entire season would be locked out to hopefully teach it a lesson. Then up from the ashes comes a humble Harvard Asian-American point guard who has been sleeping on his brother’s couch through the 10-day contracts he’s gotten from the Knicks. And he’s done it to not just the Wizards and the Jazz, but now the beloved Lakers. He has garnered the attention of the casual viewer, like me, who has tired of watching the chest-pounding, showboating ways of today’s NBA.

This doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to fall victim to an egomaniacal tirade or a run-in with the law – probably not even a parking violation. And the timing is perfect. He’s come to the forefront of our focus just after football season, when a lot of us are searching for something to merit our attention, and just at the tragic fall of one of the best role models in all of sports history with the Penn State saga. He is the first person of Asian-American descent to start a game in the NBA and the second Harvard grad. He has already become an international star and has increased traffic on the Knicks websites by 3000%.

I’m looking for a role model. Someone to inspire kids to play for something besides showing up other kids and end zone celebrations. This is my hope for the NBA and sports in general. I’m putting all my chips in on the Lin-sanity craze. And maybe it’s too early. Maybe he won’t be the superstar I’m hoping he’ll be, and thus may fall out of the spotlight. Maybe once Carmello comes back, the team chemistry will fall apart and he’ll fade into the background. Or worse, maybe the NBA will lose their focus on him and start to spotlight Carmello and the stats again. But hopefully the media and the fans can keep their attention on him for a while, for whatever reason. Because in a league that’s more common to high school dropouts than Ivy League grads*, it would be nice for a humble Harvard kid to share some of the spotlight. For the kids.

* (Note: This is based on no real research. Please don't quote me on any of it.)

Quick Inside Slant: Pre-Superbowl Edition

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

The Book of Eli: I will hate Eli Manning until the day that I die for the mess he made on draft day back in 2004, proving that if you have a father and older brother with political clout and whine loud enough that you can buck the system and get your way. Actually, we still remembered that lesson from Election Day 2002, but we already knew politics could be bought. But not the mighty shield! What’s left to believe in? Susan G. Komen?

That said, he has sadly proven that he is a good quarterback this year. And it pains me to admit it on many, many levels. No one has rooted for his failure more than I have over the last 7 years. He has not only a Superbowl MVP, but a play. You know it. And there’s unfortunately nothing anybody can do to change that. The screaming fist pump has replaced the frumpy-shouldered pouty-face that defined his first 4 years.

A Man Named Brady: I really have nothing against Tom Brady. He’s a good-looking guy, but he can’t help that. He married a supermodel, but last I heard, they also age. And Bill Belichick has channeled his inner-Howie Mandel this past week for some reason. They are such a good coach-quarterback combo that despite being outmatched in every facet of the game, they are still favored by 3. That’s how scared the book-makers and the greater public are to bet against the Brady/Belichick package. And yes, I managed to make you think about Tom Brady’s package.

Root of the Problem: So who am I rooting for? Well, the schadenfreude part of me would really like to see frumpy-pants one more time. Tom Brady loses like a man and that’s no fun to see on SportsCenter for 7 months. And mostly, I want to shut up the “us against the world” Giants idiots who apparently haven’t seen this.

What world? 6 of 8 experts picked you guys, dipshits. Stop whining and play the damn game. I’m really hoping you’ll lose so at the press conference you’ll have to say “well, I guess the world was right.” Go Pats.

Predictions: I’m glad I’m not stupid enough to put money on this, because I would be flipping a coin. I have made an unofficial vow to never bet against New England as long as the Brady/Belichick/Kraft combo is there. And yes, I’m throwing in the owner. He’s earned it. But the Giants seem to be their kryptonite. They’re the only team with a winning record against the Pats since Mo Lewis changed the world in 2001 (on the first game after 9/11, for you conspiracy theorists). A lot of teams try to set up their teams to beat other teams in their conference (Texans taking Mario Williams to take on Peyton Manning; Eagles keeping three all-star cornerbacks to stack up against the Saints & Packers spread offenses), but the Giants have developed a team just to beat the Patriots. Or so it seems, as evidenced by their 9-7 record and two losses to the Crapskins this year.

All that nonsense said, I’m dancing with the men that brought me here. I’m convinced that no matter how badly overmatched the Patriots are, Belichick will find a way to pull a rabbit out of his sweatshorts. Wow, that was a disgusting visual. Sorry. I could easily see the Giants falling behind by three touchdowns early in the second quarter. That would never happen to the Pats. So I’ll take all my fake money and go with the Pats. Again.

Other predictions: In addition to the Pats avenging their only Superbowl loss in the Brady era (they lost to the 1985 Bears by 137), here are some other Superbowl predictions:

·         At least 6 people at the party will say they only watch the game for the commercials (7 guys, 7 girls in attendance).

·         Cris Collinsworth will say something that makes perfect sense and improves your understanding of football, but because of the tone of his voice you will want to punch him in the throat. (Chris White said it too well to change)

·         I will wind up buying at least 60 squares again to make the board even.

·         All the talk of those 4 defensive ends flying upfield to get Brady will be dampened by the no huddle that New England will be running.

·         During the 9 ½ hours of Superbowl coverage, NBC will show the David Tyree catch 213 times.

·         My Skyline Chili dip will be the new favorite dip of 3 people.

·         I will get upset with at least two people who clearly don’t know football and try to pretend they do for one day a year.

• Note: One of them might be my wife.
• Other note: I won’t be invited back next year.

Quick Inside Slant: Week 16

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Sixteen:

Nine of the 12 playoff berths have already been claimed. Seven teams still have a shot at the other three spots. I have decided who makes it to playoffs based on what would be funniest.

Bengals: The Bengals have been the league’s punching bag for the last thousand years. This year began with Chad Ouchostinko leaving for the Yankees, T.O. falling into obscurity, Cedric Benson getting sent to jail and Carson Palmer pulling an Eric Lindross and refusing to play. Paul Brown responded by saying “Fine. Then you can rot on the bench.” The team responded by going 9-3 in games not against the Ravens or Steelers and have two of the hottest rookies northwest of Charlotte. If they can pull off a victory against the Ravens this week, they will be the third playoff team from the AFC North and will play the life-support Texans in the first round. And it’s commonly accepted that any year the Bengals win a playoff game is a league-wide mulligan, which is good news for the Eagles season. Result: In

Giants: They’ve already beat the Cowboys once and it would be funniest if the Giants made it in over the Cowboys, but ONLY if they play to a 0-0 tie on national television. Both teams have been known for their late season collapses, so a finger will be pointed either way. But I’d rather Dallas have to live with that 12-point collapse to the Giants in Week 14 with under 4 minutes on the clock for the rest of the off-season. And that will happen only if they tie. But it would have been funniest if they had lost to the Jets last week and let the Eagles slip into the playoffs. Oh well. Result: In (but with a caveat)

Jets: The sheer mathematics of them getting in alone would make them an amusing pick. But I think it would be much funnier to see what Rex Ryan says when his yearly pre-season Superbowl guarantee dies a humiliating 8-8 death with a three-game losing streak to close the season. Of course, it would be funniest if Cincinnati, Tennessee and Oakland all lost, but then the Jets lost to Miami. That’s the post-game presser I’m really hoping for. Result: Out

Dallas: Of the two late-season-collapse punching bags, the one with the big blue star on it makes a funnier sound when you hit it (see Giants). Result: Out

Oakland: The Raiders are about to set a record for penalties and penalty yards in a season. Their franchise quarterback in Jason Campbell got injured early in the season and it looked like Kyle Boller was going to be given the keys to drive them straight into the iceberg. Then they pried Carson Palmer away from Paul Brown by overpaying by a ton and their loud-mouthed, no-holds-barred owner died shortly after. This comes after a season where they went 6-0 in their division and still couldn’t make the playoffs. I can’t think of a team in the league that would be funnier to see in the playoffs. Result: In

Denver: I’m torn on this whole thing. I understand how important the quarterback is to a team, I really do. But to not even mention any of the other 52 players for three months? He plays so awful for the first 56 minutes of the game and then somehow finds a touchdown drive inside a top hat in the last 4 minutes every week. Some people with guts (Mark Schlereth, Merrill Hoge) actually call him out on it, but most people praise his “will to win” and credit the Denver Tebows mid-season win streak on that. But there is nothing funny I find about having to listen to all that for another week. I’m sure he’ll be in the news enough anyway (and it’s good not to have to hear about Brett Favre anymore) and if they did get in and God forbid (pardon the expression) they accidentally beat the Ravens or Steelers what the media would say. Not funny. Result: Out

Tennessee: I wasted the 7^th overall pick in my fantasy draft on Chris Johnson. Since then, I wasn’t even aware the Titans were still in the league. How the hell are they contending for a playoff spot? What the hell is going on? Result: Out

Quick Inside Slant: Week Eleven

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Eleven:

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all had your fill of turkey and cranberry sauce, which I’m still unsure of how it fought its way into this tradition. And I hope you all saw the refs and/or the NFL show how biased they are toward the Packers. Honestly, I want them to go undefeated and shove the Superbowl game ball up the ass of Maurice Morris. But it was embarrassingly clear that either the NFL issued that same sentiment to the refs or this officiating crew took it in their own hands.

There was a nice hit on Matt Stafford by Clay Matthews just as the ball was being thrown. Cool. Good timing. Approximately the exact next possession, Kyle Vanden Bosch made the same exact hit on Aaron Rodgers and was flagged for roughing the passer. There was also a flag for “pass interference” on the same play for playing defense against an Aaron Rodgers-thrown pass on the same play. And I can’t be sure, but I think I saw someone in black and white stripes actually throw a block on a punt return.

And to eject Suh from the game for simply trying to rip someone’s head off and stomp on them like a dirty turdhole? That seems excessive. What the NFL should do is actually wait until he kills someone. Because I think that’s where this guy is headed. He truly doesn’t think he did anything wrong. Much like Hitler. And yes, now I’ve compared a defensive lineman to Hitler. He’s that much of a turdhole. I wonder if he knows that killing is wrong.

Bonehead Play of the Week: It’s late in the fourth quarter. Odds of Sand Diego coming back are not good. Philip Rivers is chased out of the pocket and decides to throw the ball away. Rather than waste all that energy throwing it out of bounds, he throws it to the open field. And he gets picked off. This is not his year. He can’t even figure out how to throw an incompletion.

Bullshit Call of the Week: I’m not a fan of taunting. Or DeSean Jackson. Or cranberry sauce. But I am a fan of proper officiating. After a crucial 55-yard pass play from the 5-yard line during which there was a defensive penalty, Jackson flipped the ball at some players on the Giants sideline and did that “Look at Me” nonsense that makes me wish we’d bench him for the rest of the season. He drew a taunting flag and the penalties offset and the Eagles had to replay the down from the 5. But because the taunting came after the play, it should have been dealt with separately, after the outcome of the play had been determined. I’m not bitching here about judgment calls, because refs have a hard job and they miss calls in the speed of a game. I understand. I’m bitching about the rule interpretation, which a team of 7 officials on the field, given time to set their footing over the calls made, absolutely need to get right. That said, DeSean Jackson is a little bitch and I’ve given up on the Eagles already, so I don’t mind it that much.

Fantasy Dud of the Week: Week 10 was an amazing time for John Skelton. It looked like he was the next Tom Brady, if Kevin Kolb was Drew Bledsoe. He came out with 32 fantasy points and a fourth quarter comeback against the Eagles (surprise, surprise). Week 11. The 49ers have been pretty good, but there was no stopping this guy, right? Wrong. 99 yards passing and 3 picks, no TDs. -2 points. And he played all game. Yikes.

Hard Luck Team of the Week: Well, the Colts have a bye, so I’ll leave them alone. Besides, they lost Peyton Manning. Everybody knows why they’re losing. But I have no idea why Miami only has 3 wins. Especially after their 35-8 drubbing of the once high-flying Bills. It’s like they’re not even trying to win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes anymore.

Proper and Improper Uses of the Word “Literally” in Sports History

Proper and Improper Uses of the Word “Literally” in Sports History

December 28, 2004 – After a Los Angeles Lakers victory over the Toronto Raptors in which Kobe Bryant scored 48 points and shot 57% from behind the arc, John Anderson said that Bryant “literally carried the team on his back.”

At a team Christmas party earlier that week, Bryant was reading Dr. Seuss’s “The Sneetches” to his daughter. To represent how Sylvester McMonkey McBean was wiping off stars with his Star-OFF machine, Bryant mounted PG Derek Fisher on his back and wiggled him around the room. His daughter was so delighted, that Bryant repeated this with all of his teammates, literally carrying the team on his back. Shaquille O’Neal was a member of the Miami Heat at the time. Diagnosis: proper usage.

March 3, 2004 – In a press conference after an 11-point loss to the New York Knicks, Philadelphia Sixers SG Allen Iverson said he “literally could not buy a bucket today.”

On his way to Madison Square Garden, Iverson stopped by a KFC/Taco Bell and ordered a bucket of Original Recipe chicken. With the KFC credit card machine not working at the time, Iverson was forced to pay in cash. Having been predisposed to not carrying any with him, he could only muster up enough spare change from his seat cushions for the 4-piece meal. He then showed up to MSG and went 2 for 21 from the floor, ending the Sixers’ playoff chances. Diagnosis: proper usage.

November 11, 2003 – In reference to FB Tony Richardson, Trey Wingo stated on NFL Live “this is the guy who literally paves the way for Priest Holmes.”

At the time, Richardson was a Pro Bowl fullback whose primary responsibility was to block for Holmes, the league’s leading rusher. It wasn’t until after the 2010 season, when Richardson became part owner of Ground and Pound Concrete, a southern affiliate of Driveways! Driveways! Driveways!, that he found himself in a position to pick up a job for a familiar client in his San Antonio area home. Despite their relationship, Ground and Pound was outbid by Touch Down Masonry and Richardson didn’t get the chance to pave the way for Holmes. Diagnosis: improper usage.

September 21, 2008 – On Sunday NFL Countdown, Mike Ditka called the upcoming game between the 0-2 Cleveland Browns and the 0-1 Baltimore Ravens a “must win for the Cleveland Browns – literally – a must win.” He actually paused to emphasize literally.

The Browns, having already lost a division game to Pittsburgh, would be unable to statistically overcome an 0-3 start to the season with 2 division losses. The Browns lost the game in route to a 4-12 season, missing the playoffs for the sixth straight season, thus proving Ditka’s emphasis on literally undeniably correct. Diagnosis: proper usage.

March 25, 2002 – After a one-point loss to the Denver Nuggets, New York Knicks perennial backup PG Charlie Ward claimed that he “just literally dropped the ball on that one.”

He was speaking in reference to a botched defensive assignment which gave Nick Van Exel an easy go-ahead layup with 3 seconds left in the game. Ward then reminded reporters that he won the Heisman Trophy back in 1993 and went on a very tearful personal confession about regretting certain life decisions for 23 minutes. He did not, however, literally drop a ball. Diagnosis: improper usage.

Quick Inside Slant: Week One

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week One:

This season began on the tenth anniversary of the tragedies of 9/11, which was the year that we can all remember as the year the terrorists screwed up fantasy football. Or maybe that’s just me. It was my first run at fantasy football, something I had no idea would eventually be in my job description. I joined a salary cap league with Tony and a few others I don’t even remember. I drafted Doug Flutie for cheap. He was gonna be my stud that I got for cheap. It’s important to note that this year was the year before the Texans, when there were an odd number of teams in the league. So every week, at least one team had to have a bye. The Cardinals had a bye the first week, and actually led the NFC East briefly with a 0-0 record. But the Chargers had a bye in week two, and I hastily dropped Doug Flutie late Monday night, knowing his value would go down with everyone dropping him for the bye week. I was right. But on Tuesday, the terrorists attacked and cancelled the bye week and moved it to the end of the year, thus sending Flutie’s value back up before I could pick him up again and now I couldn’t afford him. Crap. I was stuck with Jake Plummer. I know how trivial this sounds when superimposed upon the backdrop of the 9/11 tragedies, but when the players all held the huge American flag at Washington stadium, a tiny piece of me thought about that Doug Flutie salary cap tragedy, and the triumph of the American spirit.

I didn’t get to park myself in front of the TV all day Sunday morning, afternoon and night like I normally do because I had to drive 1600 miles to South Texas on Sunday (and Monday. And part of Tuesday), but from what I did see, here are my impressions of Week One:

The Mulligan Award: The Falcons are a sexy pick to make it to the playoffs again. The Bears, who I keep forgetting made it to the NFC Championship game somehow, are a sexy pick to go 8-8. Somebody needs to remind the Falcons that this isn’t Geography 105 and you aren’t allowed to drop your lowest test score. I didn’t see much of the game, but I noticed in leagues that allow you to pick up individual defensive players that Brian Urlacher outscored 29 starting quarterbacks. But it’s the first week after a shortened off-season. Just take a ball from the bag and tee it up again. And take your chapstick out of your pocket too. It can’t hurt.

Fantasy Dud of the Week: What the hell happened in San Diego? Nate Kaeding was the #1 fantasy kicker in ESPN leagues and goes out for the season on the opening kickoff in the first game? Did he not practice kickoffs in the off-season? How are you that woefully unprepared? This after I picked Garrett Hartley first last year. I am apparently the death touch for kickers.

Epiphany of the Week: Maybe it wasn’t Wade Phillips. Maybe it was the players. And this Tom Brady guy may have a future in the NFL after all.

Bullshit Call of the Week: I’ve had some wacky ideas before to help improve the game that I joke around about. Making holding only a 7.5-yard penalty and putting a top on the goalposts are among the many. But one rule I cannot stand is this fumble after the whistle bullshit. On Monday night, Knowshawn Moreno was carrying the ball and lost it before he hit the ground. HOWEVER, the ref blew the whistle and the play was dead. HOWEVER, one of the Raiders recovered the ball “clearly” after the whistle was blown. And so after review, the Raiders were given the ball.

This is a ridiculous part of football. I don’t even like re-buys in poker, but you should not be able to do anything posthumously in a football play. There was a game two years ago in the magical Saints undefeated run where this same bullshit happened against the Redskins. The Skins’ guy fumbled it and the Saints recovered it after the whistle. Though already ruled down by contact, upon further review, the Saints were given the ball and went on to win in overtime. Earlier in THAT VERY GAME, a Redskins player was given a 15-yard penalty for diving on a player who had just recovered a fumble AFTER THE WHISTLE had blown. You can’t have it both ways, refs. When you’re dead, you stay dead. Ask Waring Hudsucker.

Boys Behaving Badly

Boys Behaving Badly

So how about the NBA, huh? That's some good shit. I couldn't believe it. I was watching the TV in disbelief. No way he actually just ran up into the stands and punched that guy. Thank God his teammate went to get him. Wait, he's not getting him. Wow. That was nuts. And then South Carolina and Clemson broke out in a fight that even armed police officers couldn't control for 10 minutes. I didn't think we'd miss the NHL as much as we do. People don't know where to fight anymore. At least in the NHL, there's a layer of glass between the players and fans so Marty McSorly can't go into the stands and beat somebody with his skate. Thank God we don't take soccer seriously. Then we'd just be Europe sans the fog.

Quote Of the Day 11/22/04

"Well, at least the NBA is exciting again."

-B Ferg

Sure, if wearing flak jackets and a helmet is your style. Which, by the way, I think would be funny if somebody out there has lower deck tickets to an NBA game and wants to get on TV.

Fighting for the forces of goo,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Fanhood

Fanhood

OK. So everybody's a Red Sox fan now. I'll admit, I liked seeing them beat up on the Yankees. It's always fun to see the Yankees lose, especially when they do it worse than anyone ever has before. But all of a sudden, everybody is walking around wearing Damon and Ortiz jerseys. In Baltimore too! This entire city has pledged to hate the Yanks and the Sox in the regular season. And I need to clear the air about something here before I continue. There are some people who believe that you are born into being a Skins fan, etc., and you can't ever root for anyone else under penalty of perjury. Kind of like the way religion does it (cheap shot, I know). Well, I'm not necessarily one of those people. If you like somebody, go ahead and root for them. Make your own decisions. Just don't claim that you liked them for any period of time since before game 5 of the ALCS. Then you're a liar. I have two friends that currently live in Boston and they are allowed to be Boston fans (Note to Kevin: they're the baseball team everybody's been turning over cars in celebration of the past few weeks). Everybody else is just trying to steal a piece of the action, just like me. And that's fine. Until you try to sell yourself as a faithful. Kinda like the way all these Tom Brady jerseys are popping up all over the place. I guess there's just something about that state. I suppose all the Republicans will be wearing Kerry jerseys after he wins the election. I don't think anybody will be buying any Bruins crap for a while.

So I know I disappeared for a while again. It's not an accident that it coincided with when I got a DVR in my bedroom. Pair that up with the NFL Network and that means I may never leave my apartment again. I just got done watching the 92 Bills/Oilers Wild Card game. And I have like every episode of CSI and Without a Trace waiting for when I finally get the time to watch them. I found myself recording shit like Tremors 4, which I didn't even know existed, just in case I felt like watching it sometime. I didn't. And I had to delete it to be able to fit in all the episodes of Desperate Housewives. I wish I was kidding.

Quote of the Day 11/1/04

"That car sucked. It was like driving a fart."

-Ryan Bowman, starting FB for Firehouse football


Yeah, it was kinda like running behind one of his blocks. (I don't know what that means)

Trying to get back into it,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...

New York vs. Texas

New York vs. Texas

Well, over the weekend, the longest game in Stanley Cup history took place. It went into a third overtime, and was watched by me from both our apartment, a restaurant, and a bar afterward. Dallas beat Buffalo 2-1 for those of you who care. And here's an interesting point I feel I have to make because it's kind of cool (note: I said "interesting," not "funny"). This is the first time ever that two teams from different cities in the same state were competing against two teams from different cities in another state in both the Stanley Cup finals and the NBA finals. While Dallas was beating Buffalo in hockey, San Antonio was beating New York on alternating night. Kinda cool, huh? Well, maybe just to me. And Bob Costas.

Well, I want to make this quick, because I need to be bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked for my 10-year-old fan club tomorrow morning. If I haven't had my beauty rest, those playful games of "Get Mr. Dustin" could turn fatal for the kids. Well, I was watching the basketball version of the Texas/New York war of the athletes tonight, when Charlie Ward (93 Heisman Trophy winner turned point guard (it's a long story)) dribbled the ball upcourt and tried some fancy Michael Jordan move and seriously fell over to the ground and lost the ball. To this, Bill Walton and whatever other sarcastic commentators that happen to accompany him, decided to comment (since it's their job) on the play...

Quote of the Day 6/21/99

"Now that's not what Charlie Ward does. Charlie Ward and Chris Childs [back-up point guard] are best when they just dribble the ball up and give it to somebody else."

-Bill Walton


I love the subtlety of this insult. That's basically as politely as they could say on national television, "These guys ain't worth a shit." But they're still better than Chris Dudley.

Pointless guard,

Mr. Crossover.


Still Standing Right Here...