Operation Vegetarian: Week Four (& a half)

Operation Vegetarian: Week Four (& a half)

So the last week felt a little like a sham, since I’d already decided that cheating was legal. But I figure there’s some valor in finishing it out even after cheating once. That’s coincidentally the same approach my last girlfriend took with our relationship. And I also feel that there’s some sense of accomplishment in publicly writing about it and post-dating it even months after it actually happened. Again, same as my ex.

Anyway, I finished out the veggie diet with the Saturday caveat for 31 days – though Danielle said that my diet of Chips Ahoy, PBJ and mac n cheese is probably more like a toddler diet than a vegetarian diet. I went the entire last week eating more free food, as this was the first actual week of classes. Free pancakes and muffins in the morning and free pizza (real pizza – not stupid white pizza) in the afternoon. The highlight of the week was definitely our trip to Olive Garden to get the neverending pasta bowl. In fact, it was so good, we did it twice. And I had leftovers both times. So I basically ate the penne with five-cheese marinara four days in a row.

Jen and I decided to cheat this week by eating Dim Sum. Dim Sum is apparently an Asian word for brunch. And if you’ve never had it, it’s very intimidating. I’m still not actually sure what I ate. Simon ordered it all for me and thank God he was there. If not for him, I’d have probably just drank a cup of hot water and walked out. People are walking around with food I’ve never seen speaking a version of broken English I can’t understand and I have no idea how to order, eat or pay for the food. I don’t know what is supposed to go with what or whether or not they’ll fart in my food if I use a fork and put ketchup on everything. I already had a strike against me as I wasn’t already Asian when I walked in. So Dim Sum was an interesting experience and in any other situation, not worth breaking my vegetarian diet for.

And so ends my vegetarian experience. As I now have the benefit of hindsight, I can say that I learned very little from the experience. Actually, that’s not true at all. What I learned is that not everyone is made to be a vegetarian. And for some reason, meals aren’t cheaper just because they don’t have meat in them. Which I think is bullshit, but as I’m no longer buying strictly vegetarian, good for me. I also found that if I’m going to try to put myself on a diet ever again, next time I’m going to do a bit more research and find a healthy one, not just an easy one. I never weighed myself again so I have no idea if I lost weight, but that was never really a goal of mine anyway. What I have decided is that I’m going to try to make sure I don’t eat red meat more than once a day. And I guess that’s good. But according to Joe’s mom, that’s the only real meat anyway. “Oh, Dustin’s a vegetarian now? Well, I guess I’ll just make some chicken instead.” And I’m not kidding. Welcome back, meat. I’ve missed you.

Operation Vegetarian: Week Two

Operation Vegetarian: Week Two

So I made it through my first week, which is apparently longer than Jen had thought I would last. Good to know I have a supportive partner in all this. Throughout the week, I thought about exactly why I was doing this and I came up with what I think is the real reason, other than Jen is making me so it, which is also a motivating factor. And the answer is that it is easy. Not in its execution, but in its definition of parameters. The difference between a vegetarian diet and a low carb diet (besides the many health benefits associated with it that I have no idea about) is that I know what meat is and therefore I can figure out when not to eat it. I know what beef looks like. I know what bacon looks like. I have no idea what a carb looks like. So if all I have to do is define something as meat and not eat it, it’s much easier to figure out how to eat.

That having been said, there are still many different versions of vegetarians. Some eat fish, which kinda blows my mind. In what world are fish not meat? Actually, I know the answer to that. That’s what I call a “Catholic Vegetarian.” I am on the Darwinism Vegetarian diet, where fish count as meat. They swim around, they bite, they have their own little heartbeats. Personally, I say that makes them meat.

Day Eight: I had the leftover couscous today and was told that it apparently has chicken broth in it. Jen apparently says that as long as it doesn’t have chunks of meat in it, that it doesn’t count. So I’m rescinding that I cheated on day one with the gravy incident. Apparently, if ground up fine enough and added to liquid, anything can be vegetarian. I will be testing out a chicken milkshake tomorrow.

Day Nine: I finally got my ass out to get some peanut butter & jelly. This will be my new best friend, I’m sure. I had three sandwiches throughout the course of the day. Cupcakes are also a familiar friend of mine, as I finally bought them in bulk today. I had given them up previously because of my cholesterol issues. I don’t think this is a very smart diet at all.

Day Ten: As predicted, I had PB&J for lunch again. Only this time, rather than having a healthy dinner, I had an Auntie Anne’s pretzel for breakfast and leftover mac & cheese for a midnight snack. I actually think the guy from Supersize Me was eating healthier than I am.

Day Eleven: Joe drove me to work today as I had to drop my car off at the mechanic because I made a deal with the devil a long time ago that stated something in the contract about never having a functional car for longer than two consecutive months. Joe stopped by Chick Fil-A after picking me up and I almost forgot that I was a vegetarian. He reminded me while we were in line, the prick. SO I had a milkshake for breakfast. Also, Jen and I decided to attend the Nats game tonight and baseball stadiums are known for being notoriously difficult to find vegetarian options. So I had a nice healthy dinner of french fries once again. Thankfully I had filled up on PB&J for lunch.

Day Twelve: So the great thing about this time of year is that with all the wooing of the new students comes free lunches for all the staff. So this was the first of the free lunches that I’ll be getting about every other day until just about the end of this diet. Now, as all free lunch caterers know, there are vegetarians amongst the normal people, so there are always vegetarian options. However, some of them suck. Thankfully today, both options sucked so it didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. I had a lot of Caesar salad. Julius would have been proud.

The night provided a bit of a challenge though, as I found myself out at a sports bar trying to navigate my way through the menu. I wound up once again eating fries and an entire order of meatless nachos because somebody either doesn’t know how to order nachos with meat on one half or make nachos with meat on one half.

Day Thirteen: This is the day I’d been waiting for since the beginning of this operation. While Jen and I were still up in Boston, I came to the fortunate revelation that I had already replied to Leigh’s wedding, saying that I’d have the steak and she’d have the fish. That was to fall right in the middle of this vegetarian challenge. Joe simply said “Yeah, you can make exceptions like that.” Well, shit! “Honey, it’s steak night at Outback.” “But baby, it’s Fried Chicken Awareness Week in the Mt. Vernon area.” “Sweetie, it’s National I’m Tired of Peanut Butter & Jelly Day.” Well, we decided not to exploit this epiphany just yet, but we sure as shit weren’t going to re-reply with the vegetarian option. And so, there it was. A nice, juicy, melt in your mouth exception that I’d been drooling about for two weeks. And I dropped it on the floor. Just kidding. It was awesome. Kinda made me wonder what the hell I’m doing this for again. So congratulations to Leigh and Craig for getting married and thank you so much for inviting Jen and I to this very special day. You have NO idea how much it means. J

Day Fourteen: Today completely sucked. Because now the exception is over and the only thing I have to look forward to is Day Thirty-Two, or the first day of the rest of my meat-eating life. Oh yeah, after having Chips Ahoy cookies for breakfast and chopped up peppers and steamed asparagus for dinner, I decided that it was probably OK to only do it for the originally intended month rather than 6 weeks, which seems more arbitrary anyway. Until then, I’ll be dreaming of that steak from last night. And I’m starting to look at the cats in a different way.