Quick Inside Slant: Pre-Superbowl Edition

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

The Book of Eli: I will hate Eli Manning until the day that I die for the mess he made on draft day back in 2004, proving that if you have a father and older brother with political clout and whine loud enough that you can buck the system and get your way. Actually, we still remembered that lesson from Election Day 2002, but we already knew politics could be bought. But not the mighty shield! What’s left to believe in? Susan G. Komen?

That said, he has sadly proven that he is a good quarterback this year. And it pains me to admit it on many, many levels. No one has rooted for his failure more than I have over the last 7 years. He has not only a Superbowl MVP, but a play. You know it. And there’s unfortunately nothing anybody can do to change that. The screaming fist pump has replaced the frumpy-shouldered pouty-face that defined his first 4 years.

A Man Named Brady: I really have nothing against Tom Brady. He’s a good-looking guy, but he can’t help that. He married a supermodel, but last I heard, they also age. And Bill Belichick has channeled his inner-Howie Mandel this past week for some reason. They are such a good coach-quarterback combo that despite being outmatched in every facet of the game, they are still favored by 3. That’s how scared the book-makers and the greater public are to bet against the Brady/Belichick package. And yes, I managed to make you think about Tom Brady’s package.

Root of the Problem: So who am I rooting for? Well, the schadenfreude part of me would really like to see frumpy-pants one more time. Tom Brady loses like a man and that’s no fun to see on SportsCenter for 7 months. And mostly, I want to shut up the “us against the world” Giants idiots who apparently haven’t seen this.

What world? 6 of 8 experts picked you guys, dipshits. Stop whining and play the damn game. I’m really hoping you’ll lose so at the press conference you’ll have to say “well, I guess the world was right.” Go Pats.

Predictions: I’m glad I’m not stupid enough to put money on this, because I would be flipping a coin. I have made an unofficial vow to never bet against New England as long as the Brady/Belichick/Kraft combo is there. And yes, I’m throwing in the owner. He’s earned it. But the Giants seem to be their kryptonite. They’re the only team with a winning record against the Pats since Mo Lewis changed the world in 2001 (on the first game after 9/11, for you conspiracy theorists). A lot of teams try to set up their teams to beat other teams in their conference (Texans taking Mario Williams to take on Peyton Manning; Eagles keeping three all-star cornerbacks to stack up against the Saints & Packers spread offenses), but the Giants have developed a team just to beat the Patriots. Or so it seems, as evidenced by their 9-7 record and two losses to the Crapskins this year.

All that nonsense said, I’m dancing with the men that brought me here. I’m convinced that no matter how badly overmatched the Patriots are, Belichick will find a way to pull a rabbit out of his sweatshorts. Wow, that was a disgusting visual. Sorry. I could easily see the Giants falling behind by three touchdowns early in the second quarter. That would never happen to the Pats. So I’ll take all my fake money and go with the Pats. Again.

Other predictions: In addition to the Pats avenging their only Superbowl loss in the Brady era (they lost to the 1985 Bears by 137), here are some other Superbowl predictions:

·         At least 6 people at the party will say they only watch the game for the commercials (7 guys, 7 girls in attendance).

·         Cris Collinsworth will say something that makes perfect sense and improves your understanding of football, but because of the tone of his voice you will want to punch him in the throat. (Chris White said it too well to change)

·         I will wind up buying at least 60 squares again to make the board even.

·         All the talk of those 4 defensive ends flying upfield to get Brady will be dampened by the no huddle that New England will be running.

·         During the 9 ½ hours of Superbowl coverage, NBC will show the David Tyree catch 213 times.

·         My Skyline Chili dip will be the new favorite dip of 3 people.

·         I will get upset with at least two people who clearly don’t know football and try to pretend they do for one day a year.

• Note: One of them might be my wife.
• Other note: I won’t be invited back next year.

End Around

End Around

Sure, I’ll dance around this mine field for a while.

Joe Paterno passed away yesterday at 85, two months after being fired amidst allegations of his involvement in a child sexual assault scandal. I must first say that I in no way condone his mishandling of the sexual assault situation, be it for reasons of ignorance or apathy. What I will miss about Joe is an idea.

Before we all knew about the Sandusky case, Joe Pa represented everything decent about college sports. In a time where college athletes care more about endorsement deals, fantasy stats and signing bonuses, Penn State football was a vision of integrity and teamwork, continually posting the best graduation rates of all big market teams. They still don’t put names on the back of their jerseys for the sake of team unity, which is a tough sell to the increasingly more individualistic world sports is becoming.

The world of sports has been sliding down a slippery slope of self-interest since we started to market the individuals more than the teams. The average player would rather get paid than be a champion now – or at least that statement is truer and truer every year. The media, the fans and the athletes all feed into each other like an evil flux capacitor and keep this ball rolling down the aforementioned slope. As the media are giving the fans what they want and the fans are being told what they want based on what sells tickets and jerseys, it’s really up to the athletes to help change the culture. And it’s an unlikely scenario. Kobe was a good candidate until his own sexual assault scandal. As was LeBron until his hour-long nationally televised ego trip. And on the college level, USC and Ohio State are getting sanctioned for abuses of the system, and that seems like just the tip of the iceberg. At least we had Penn State to look to as a role model.

So the Sandusky scandal is just another reminder that we can never be sure. There was no better role model in college sports or sports in general than was Penn State football. So when I speak of Joe Pa and when I wear my Penn State jacket around this week, it’s in honor of the integrity and teamwork that Penn State preached to the nation for some 60 years – the idea that maybe somewhere, there is a savoir for my future child’s concept of team sports.

In poetic, storybook fashion, Joe Paterno died yesterday of lung cancer two months after being fired from the job he’d had for 60 years. But he really died back in November. His legacy will forever have that unforgiveable asterisk next to it. I am not so much mourning Joe Pa as a person, for it’s clear now that we didn’t know him like we thought. But I’m mourning the concept that a hero will rise among us to stop the landslide of egotism that is being fostered in professional sports, down to college, and all the way down to youth sports. I’m not saying it can’t happen. But if there’s dirt on Joe Paterno, that role model is going to be hard to find.

Quick Inside Slant: Divisional Playoff Weekend

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Divisional Playoff Weekend:

This weekend is a rematch of the most poorly officiated game in NFL history. Luckily for the league and the entire officiating profession, Jeff Garcia’s 24-point comeback to lead the 49ers to a 39-38 victory over the Giants overshadows that hurricane of ineptitude. But the Giants should have won that game. And no, I’m not a crazy Giants fan claiming the refs were biased. I’m an officiating fan.

The last play of the game was a 41-yard field goal attempt with the Giants down by one point. It was 3^rd down with 6 seconds on the clock and the Giants had one time out. Trey Junkin, who became the Bill Buckner of this game, botched the snap after having signed with the team four days before the game. In most jobs, he’d be lucky to have an e-mail address after four days. Why not make him the scapegoat for the entire season? Heck, he’s still under his probationary period. Probably wouldn’t even have to meet with HR.

But there were 6 seconds left. And it was 3^rd down. And they still had a time out. Now I know it’s not your best-case scenario to rely on your punter to do some quick thinking, but here is a list of actions Matt Allen could have taken when the ball wasn’t snapped to him perfectly.

1. He could have run out of the pocket and threw it away. Out of pocket=no grounding. Caveat: He would have had to throw the ball away in less than 6 seconds. Not very difficult.
2. Don’t leave the pocket but still throw it away. You get called for intentional grounding and have to now attempt a 48-yard field goal. Better than what he actually did.
3. Throw any incomplete pass. Just don’t take 6 seconds to do it.
4. Give yourself up and call a time out. You lose the yardage, but get to try again.
5. Nothing! Let them tackle you. One of the other 10 guys or the coach is bound to try to call a time out, even if they don’t know if they have one or what down it is.

As long as a field goal is not actually attempted, you get to try it on the next down. That’s why people line up to kick them on 2^nd and 3^rd down. Again, relying on the punter to think of anything other than run for my life and throw the ball as far as I can is not your best-case scenario, but he should have been prepared for the bad snap from the insurance salesman. Oh, and the defense maybe could have stopped them from scoring 25 points in the last 17 minutes.

Back to the refs. After that fire drill of a play, a couple flags were thrown. It looked to all the world like it was going to be pass interference on the 49res and they were going to lose the game on a 25-yard field goal during an untimed down. But one of the flags was for an illegal man downfield on the Giants. They waived off the pass interference penalty because the man who was interfered with was downfield illegally and had he not been downfield illegally, he wouldn’t have been interfered with.

Que?

This is not a rule. This is stuff I make up when I don’t know the rules. The unfortunate thing is that he’s right. The logic follows that the reason he was interfered with is because he was downfield, where he shouldn’t have been in the first place. This is how you enforce the rules of Magic the Gathering, not American Football. If someone punches me in the face, it follows that I should be able to then kick them in the junk with impunity, because it wouldn’t have happened if the face-puncher hadn’t done his wrong thing in the first place. The penalties should have been offsetting and the down should have been replayed as an untimed down from the previous spot (the original line of scrimmage). This obviously doesn’t guarantee that the Giants would have won by any means, but I’d take those odds.

Oh, and here’s a cherry for your bullshit swirl sundae. The guy they claimed was downfield illegally – wasn’t. Rich Seubert, offensive guard, had checked in as an eligible receiver for the field goal attempt. The official’s saving grace is that there was a different illegal man downfield during the play, so that flag was merited. HOWEVER, that guy wasn’t interfered with. SooOOOoo, there goes their justification logic. The man that was interfered with was downfield legally and a different guy was downfield illegally. Replay the down, any way you slice it.

When intramural teams wonder why I don’t have a protest system at the University of Baltimore, this is the game I point to. If the highest paid officials in the world can bunk up something this bad and the NFL doesn’t do anything about it, your 5v5 coed indoor soccer game score is final. 

Quick Inside Slant: Week 16

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Sixteen:

Nine of the 12 playoff berths have already been claimed. Seven teams still have a shot at the other three spots. I have decided who makes it to playoffs based on what would be funniest.

Bengals: The Bengals have been the league’s punching bag for the last thousand years. This year began with Chad Ouchostinko leaving for the Yankees, T.O. falling into obscurity, Cedric Benson getting sent to jail and Carson Palmer pulling an Eric Lindross and refusing to play. Paul Brown responded by saying “Fine. Then you can rot on the bench.” The team responded by going 9-3 in games not against the Ravens or Steelers and have two of the hottest rookies northwest of Charlotte. If they can pull off a victory against the Ravens this week, they will be the third playoff team from the AFC North and will play the life-support Texans in the first round. And it’s commonly accepted that any year the Bengals win a playoff game is a league-wide mulligan, which is good news for the Eagles season. Result: In

Giants: They’ve already beat the Cowboys once and it would be funniest if the Giants made it in over the Cowboys, but ONLY if they play to a 0-0 tie on national television. Both teams have been known for their late season collapses, so a finger will be pointed either way. But I’d rather Dallas have to live with that 12-point collapse to the Giants in Week 14 with under 4 minutes on the clock for the rest of the off-season. And that will happen only if they tie. But it would have been funniest if they had lost to the Jets last week and let the Eagles slip into the playoffs. Oh well. Result: In (but with a caveat)

Jets: The sheer mathematics of them getting in alone would make them an amusing pick. But I think it would be much funnier to see what Rex Ryan says when his yearly pre-season Superbowl guarantee dies a humiliating 8-8 death with a three-game losing streak to close the season. Of course, it would be funniest if Cincinnati, Tennessee and Oakland all lost, but then the Jets lost to Miami. That’s the post-game presser I’m really hoping for. Result: Out

Dallas: Of the two late-season-collapse punching bags, the one with the big blue star on it makes a funnier sound when you hit it (see Giants). Result: Out

Oakland: The Raiders are about to set a record for penalties and penalty yards in a season. Their franchise quarterback in Jason Campbell got injured early in the season and it looked like Kyle Boller was going to be given the keys to drive them straight into the iceberg. Then they pried Carson Palmer away from Paul Brown by overpaying by a ton and their loud-mouthed, no-holds-barred owner died shortly after. This comes after a season where they went 6-0 in their division and still couldn’t make the playoffs. I can’t think of a team in the league that would be funnier to see in the playoffs. Result: In

Denver: I’m torn on this whole thing. I understand how important the quarterback is to a team, I really do. But to not even mention any of the other 52 players for three months? He plays so awful for the first 56 minutes of the game and then somehow finds a touchdown drive inside a top hat in the last 4 minutes every week. Some people with guts (Mark Schlereth, Merrill Hoge) actually call him out on it, but most people praise his “will to win” and credit the Denver Tebows mid-season win streak on that. But there is nothing funny I find about having to listen to all that for another week. I’m sure he’ll be in the news enough anyway (and it’s good not to have to hear about Brett Favre anymore) and if they did get in and God forbid (pardon the expression) they accidentally beat the Ravens or Steelers what the media would say. Not funny. Result: Out

Tennessee: I wasted the 7^th overall pick in my fantasy draft on Chris Johnson. Since then, I wasn’t even aware the Titans were still in the league. How the hell are they contending for a playoff spot? What the hell is going on? Result: Out

A Giftmas Miracle – Part 2: The Ninth Day of Giftmas 2011

A Giftmas Miracle – Part 2: The Ninth Day of Giftmas 2011

So you're sayin there a chance!

Thank you so much Santa, for giving us the gift of another week of hope. Of all the games that we needed, the most improbable of them was a Redskins victory over the Giants. On any given week, Mark Sanchez can play anywhere from horrible to serviceably well and Tony Romo’s inconsistencies –  especially in December – are very well-documented. But relying on Rex Grossman to win a game against a Giants team that came 4 points away from beating the undefeatable Packers was a tall order. But somehow, you managed to keep hope alive. Now onto the next phase:

It’s pretty simple now, especially after the Detroit comeback. Not easy, but simple. We cannot get the wild card now that two teams in the North (GB and DET) and two teams in the South (NO and ATL) both have at least 9 wins. The only way we can get to the playoffs is through the East. And the only way that can happen is with a three way tie at 8-8. This means PHI needs to win out and have DAL lose out and NYG lose one game. Thankfully, we play each other a couple times so we can take out two birds with one stone. Because if PHI played ATL this week and DAL played SF, we’d need both games to go a certain way. But since we play each other, a PHI win=a DAL loss. One stone. Two birds. Same in week 17 when NYG plays DAL. And all four games are very even or favorable matchups. Four games left. One in 16 chance (again, if flipping coins). And here’s how it shakes out:

Week 16: NYG vs. NYJ, 1:00pm: PHI needs NYJ to win. NYJ favored by 2.5. Home game for NYJ. Also home game for NYG. Giants known for choking away leads in December. Jets known for inconsistent quarterback play. Both these facts are good for the cause. Projected result: NYJ win. 1 in 8 chance.

Week 16: PHI vs. DAL, 4:15pm: PHI needs to win. DAL favored by 1. DAL lost to PHI by 27 earlier this year. DAL not eliminated with loss. PHI will know before game starts if they have a chance. Felix Jones and DeMarco Murray still hurt. Romo famous for sucking in December. Would be very funny if PHI wins. Result: PHI win. 1 in 4 chance and a reason to watch football next week.

Week 17: PHI vs. WAS, 1:00pm: PHI needs to win. Projected line: PHI favored by 11 (projected by me based on very little – not taking bets). WAS has nothing to play for, never does in December. PHI beat WAS easily earlier in year. Rex Grossman still sucks. Result: PHI win. 1 in 2 chance.

Week 17: DAL vs. NYG, 8:20pm (projected flex game): NYG need to win. Projected line: pick em’. By kickoff, NYG will know they’re eliminated, will motivate them more. NYG beat DAL a few weeks ago in closing minutes on blocked field goal. Some BS like that will happen again. Result: NYG win. 1 in 1 chance.

If nothing else, PHI should make the playoffs just because it would be funny. Same with the Chiefs. But that’s a story for another day. And once we get in the playoffs, look out world. We’re playing with house money. Let’s go out and show the world that you can win the Superbowl even with two 4-game losing streaks in the middle of your season. Man, would that piss off a lot of people. Especially, CHI, SEA and ARI who will all have better records than us and be sitting at home watching the playoffs like me. Vince, the Dream Team is back on!

A Giftmas Miracle: The Third Day of Giftmas 2011

A Giftmas Miracle: The Third Day of Giftmas 2011

Each year around this time, I wish for a Giftmas Miracle. This year is no exception. The wish is the same. The only difference is the enormity of the denominator. And yes, I’m talking about the Eagles making the playoffs.

Believe it or not, they’re not dead yet. Beaten and bloody, but with a heartbeat. They have a 1 in 28 chance of winning the NFC East. Well, this is true if every game was determined by a coin flip. Which, obviously, they are not. Which means we need either the Bucs or the Skins to win this weekend. Which makes me wish games were decided by coin flips.

1 in 28? Are you just making shit up, Dustin? I do make things up a lot. Guilty. But this is an actual number. I know this because it’s also the actual number of points we give up in the fourth quarter.

OK, so here’s how we win the NFC East. Ready? Because you may want to get a sandwich now and clear your schedule for the next 10 minutes. Also, all teams will be referred to by their abbreviation because I plan on typing a lot. Here we go…

1. First off, PHI needs to win the rest of their games to get to 8-8 (NYJ, DAL, WAS). 7 wins won’t cut it since both NYG and DAL have 7 right now and they play each other, putting at least one of them at 8 wins.

2. NYG and DAL can only end up with 8 wins max. Thankfully, we own the tie-breaker against both of these teams individually and collectively. Or at least we will if we win out. We’ll be 2-0 against DAL and 1-1 against NYG with a 5-1 division record, whereas NYG and DAL are currently 2-2.

3. We already know one of them will get one in Week 17 when they play each other. Crap. So here comes the first of many if/then statements.

a. If NYG wins (the Week 17 game), we need them to lose games against WAS and NYJ. DAL will have already lost against PHI in this scenario, so that’s one less game we need to worry about. In this scenario, we can actually get away with DAL beating TB in Week 15.

i. This scenario requires that the following games go one certain way (Week 15 – PHI/NYJ, NYG/WAS: Week 16 – PHI/DAL: Week 17 – PHI/WAS). We’ve already assumed that NYG has won the Week 17 matchup against DAL, so it needn’t be in this equation. Instead, this number will be averaged with the number from the other variable of the if/then statement. There are 5 games in total, which means our odds of having them all go our way (coin flip style) is 1 in (2*2*2*2*2)=1/32. Ta da.

b. If DAL wins (the Week 17 game), it gets a little more complicated. They will now need to lose that game against TB (in addition to the PHI game already accounted for). Also, NYG will need to lose one of their remaining two games against WAS and NYJ.

i. Should NYG win the game against WAS, they then MUST beat NYJ. This means the following games must go a certain way (Week 15 – PHI/NYJ, DAL/TB: Week 16 – PHI/DAL, NYG/NYJ: Week 17 – PHI/WAS). Now, the NYG/WAS game has assumed a winner. So that, along with the NYG/DAL game, are not in this equation. There are again 5 games in total, making odds of 1/32 again.

ii. Should NYG lose the game against WAS, they can do whatever they want to against the NYJ, knocking the total of games that need go a certain way down to four (Week 15 – PHI/NYJ, DAL/TB: Week 16 – PHI/DAL, NYG/NYJ: Week 17 – PHI/WAS). Once again, the NYG/WAS and NYG/DAL games have been accounted for through the if/then statement. So this number is now 1 in (2*2*2*2)=1/16.

iii. Averaged together under the umbrella of DAL winning the NYG/DAL matchup, the odds of this happening is 1 in (32*16)/2=24, or 1/24.

c. So considering the 1/32 chance PHI has of making the playoffs if NYG wins that Week 17 match with DAL and the 1/24 chance if DAL wins, the odds of PHI getting to 8-8, while making sure that NYG and DAL keep to a max of 8 wins averages out to 1 in (32*24)/2, or 1/28. See. Told ya.

4. Incidentally, this translates into a 3.91% chance of winning the division. Better than you thought, eh? In order to keep alive through Week 15, PHI will need to win their game and have either NYG or DAL lose, which translates into a 1/3 chance. How about that?

5. Also, I didn’t bother to take into consideration ties, as coins rarely land on their sides.

Are you ready for the completely impossible stuff? Should we lose the NFC East race, we have a 1 in 589.5 chance of making the wild card. OK, that one’s gotta be made up. Wrong again, Slick. Now you may want to get a bottle of wine and an adult diaper on for this. But I figured it all out, so I’m gonna ruin your day with math.

So you’re sayin there’s a chance…

1. First of all, PHI needs to get to 8 wins since ATL and DET are already there.

a. This means that they must either be involved in the tie-breaker or have the #5 seed.

2. The following teams can all end the season at 8-8: PHI, ATL, DET, CHI, SEA, ARI, NYG, DAL

a. Only one team from any one division will be involved in the tie-break. If teams from the same division are tied, the in-division tie-breakers will be applied to determine which team will represent that division in the cross-division tie-break.

b. This means PHI will never be in a tiebreak with DAL or NYG. More on this later.

c. Of the other 5 teams, the only team not to beat us is DET. More on this later.

3. The first tie-breaker is head-to-head.

a. In multiple team tie-breakers, one team must have swept or been swept by the other teams in order to apply it.

4. Because DET is the only team that could be involved in a tie-break with PHI who hasn’t beat them, they must be involved in the wild card tie-break, or else PHI would be forced out by the head-to-head tie-break (3a).

a. This means that DET cannot have more than 8 wins, so they must lose the remainder of their games to go 8-8.

b. This will also make them 2-3 in common opponents with PHI (ATL, DAL, SF, CHI), who is also 2-3. This will be important later.

5. CHI is 7-6 right now and split their two meetings with DET. If they were to finish at 8-8, they would enter into a tie-break with DET to determine which team would represent the NFC North in the wild card tie-break (2a).

a. CHI is 2-2 in the division and DET is 3-2. If CHI wins their non-division game (SEA) and loses the other two, they will 1) have the same record, 2) be tied in head-to-head games, and 3) have a worse division record than DET. Therefore, PHI can afford CHI to win the SEA game.

b. A CHI win against GB or MIN would give them an equal division record (3-3), but CHI will have a 6-8 record in common games (all but wins against PHI and SEA), while DET will have a 7-7 record (win over DAL, loss to SF). Therefore, DET would still represent the NFC North if they win a division game.

c. Together, this means regardless of which game CHI wins, they will lose the tie-breaker to DET, so PHI can afford them to win any one of their games to still allow DET into the wild card tie-break.

6. SEA is currently 6-7, but they are 5-4 within the conference with 3 conference games to go. At 8-8, they would be 7-5 in the conference. However, they have all the same common opponents as DET and PHI and their current record in games against them is 0-3 with two to go. So as long as they don’t win their two games against SF and CHI, they could make it to 8-8.

a. Because SEA cannot win both of their games against SF and CHI, but they can still win two games, their game against ARI doesn’t matter. At least not to them.

7. ARI is 6-5 and a win against SEA would give them the tie-breaker against SEA, as they’d be 4-2 in the division and SEA would be 4-2 at beast (pun intended), though ARI would be 7-5 in conference and SEA (since they’re not allowed to win against SF and CHI) would be 6-6 at beast. This would make for a huge problem with PHI, as a 7-5 conference record would beat out all other 8-8 teams. So if ARI is going to win two games, it cannot win the SEA game.

8. I have a headache. This was actually, believe it or not, a lot easier before I realized that CHI could still lose to DET in a tie-break based on common opponents (5b). In my original prognosis, I skipped ahead to conference record and determined that CHI could not be 8-8 and still give PHI a chance at the wild card. Once I discovered that to be incorrect, PHI chances were better, but the problem got A LOT more complicated.

a. Also, this is all based around giving ATL the #5 seed. If PHI is tied with ATL and DET, ATL wins the tie-break based on beating DET and PHI head-to-head. However, if PHI, ATL, DET and SEA are all tied at 8-8, it will come down to points.

i. Which means that ARI or CHI could go 9-7 and get the #5 and PHI would still have a chance I strength of victory against those other three teams.

b. This scenario is actually true of the following multi-team matchups (PHI, ATL, DET, SEA – PHI, ATL, DET, ARI – PHI, DET, SEA – PHI, DET, ARI).

i. Again, strength of victory only comes in after considering head-to-head, division games, common opponents and conference games. Which I did in all cases. Of course, we still have to win strength of victory and we're 57 behind DET right now. There is no coin to determine those percentages.

So again, in full disclosure, all this assumes that ATL either wins the #5 seed with an 8, 9, 10 or 11-win record OR they stay in the 8-8 muck without CHI, ARI or SEA besting them at 9-7 or 10-6. I will have to figure all that out tomorrow for you lovely people. Or maybe I’ll go to bed at a reasonable hour instead.

Quick Inside Slant: Week Thirteen

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Thirteen:

James Harrison is a dirty piece of crap and I’ll never root for the Steelers as long as he’s still playing for them. Sorry, Stryker. If you need proof of this, watch him after the play. There is a human being lying unconscious on the ground solely because of a hit Harrison made, regardless of intent or legality. Ten feet away, there is a yellow flag. Rather than show any remorse about the career or life he may have just taken away from said human, he whines to the refs about the little yellow flag. Fucking prick. (Ed note: he did go over to McCoy after whining about the flag, likely because a PR person told him to)

I had a law student in our basketball league who was convinced that the refs, supervisors and commissioner were unfairly calling flagrant and technical fouls on him more than any other player in the league. He thought “we were out to get him.” His words. A third year law student never bothered to consider that the only common link in all of his indiscretions was him. Occam’s Razor suggests that maybe he and James Harrison are the real perpetrators. Though I’m willing to bet that Harrison thinks Occam’s Razor is what terrorists use to shave with.

Then Harrison defended his actions after the game. Again. And once the fine comes, as we all know it will, Mike Tomlin and the rest of his team will defend him. Again. And that’s what makes this shit especially rank. When Ndamukong Suh stomped his way into a suspension on Thanksgiving, the team took him aside and said “Hey Ndamukong, grow the fuck up.” Though they probably used a nickname like Nads or Num-Num because they know him better than I do and it’s a weird and long name. Not the Steelers. They fully support having a hired hit man on their team. Which is all the more reason he needs a suspension. You want him to stop getting fined so he can afford to pay tuition for his children, tell him to stop headhunting people who might also have children to pay tuition for if Harrison lets them live long enough.

I understand. You need to play the game and can’t let quarterbacks run loose in the secondary. I get it. But you knew full well where you were hitting him. Don’t pretend we’re all stupid here. You’ve been doing it for years. You lost your plausible deniability. Just because he fooled you into coming off your man in a crucial 2^nd down late in a very losable game doesn’t give you the right to take two steps, and rise into his head, no matter what you’ve convinced yourself the rules say. You’re a thug through and through and need to get a lesson in sportsmanship. I was careful not to use the word “learn” because I don’t feel you’re capable. Suspend him, Goodell. Or get David Stern to do it for you.

Hopeless Scenario of the Week: So all the Eagles need to do is win out against the Dolphins, Jets, Cowboys, Redskins (it could happen), have the Giants split their two games with the Cowboys, have the Cowboys lose their other scheduled game against the Bucs (why not?) and have the Giants lose one of their other two games to the Jets and Redskins and we’re in! OR the Giants can sweep the Cowboys and then they need to lose all their games BUT the Cowboys would be permitted to beat the Bucs. Probably a more likely scenario. However, in both of these scenarios, we need to win all our games and winning has been our Achilles Heel all year. We can always count on the Giants and Cowboys losing in December (Arizona? Seriously?), but we still need to actually win. Oh well. It’s fun to figure out scenarios. I’d look into our wild card chances if I didn’t have to sleep tonight.

Sportsmanship Play of the Week: Not a lot of players actually acknowledge that people on the other team can dictate how the game goes. Most of them think that if they won, it’s because of something they did well and if not, it’s because it’s something they did wrong. After a one-handed TD catch by Hakeem Nicks in a very tight game against the Packers, Charles Woodson actually gave him a fist bump of approval. Then James Harrison shot them both in the face with a bazooka.

Bonehead Move of the Week: Oh, Dallas. By now, you know about the icing your own kicker time out. But here’s why it happened. With 26 seconds left and TWO time outs, Dez Bryant got the Cowboys a first down at the Cardinal’s 31-yd line. Rather than call a time out, they ran it down to 7 seconds and spiked the ball. Then they tried to rush the field goal team out on the field without calling a time out to justify having not called a time out. But they didn’t do it in time, so they called one. It obviously looks worse because they made the first and missed the second. But either way, it’s still a bonehead move. Everyone on that field and at home in their TV sets other than Jason Garrett and Tony Romo would have called a time out to try to get more yardage for their rookie kicker. Like Aaron Rodgers for example.

Surprise Stat of the Week: Cam Newton scored 3 rushing TDs in Sunday’s game against the Bucs to set the new record for rushing TDs in a season by a quarterback, beating Steve Grogan’s 12. Yes, Steve Grogan. No, that’s not a typo. Oh, and he only needs 443 more passing yards in the next three games to beat Peyton’s rookie record. That’s not a typo either.

Second Chance of a Lifetime: Dan Orlovsky is known mostly for running out of the back of the end zone on his way to leading the Lions to the only 0-16 season in NFL history. He is now starting the last four games for the 0-12 Colts in place of Curtis Painter. A single victory in those four games would probably be complete vindication for his last 0-16 season. It is his Superbowl. And his best chance will be a Week 17 game against the Jaguars. Flex, ESPN?

Weed of the Decade: Dear Brett Favre, Shut up and go away. We’ve moved on. Sincerely, Everyone.

Quick Inside Slant: Week Twelve:

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Twelve:

Well, the Eagles season is all but officially over. I really enjoyed the scenarios they spit at us on Thursday night about how if we win out and the Giants beat the Cowboys twice and lose two of their other three games that we could get into the playoffs. Right before we proceeded to get our ass beat by the third NFC West team this year. It’s fitting that the guy who coined the term “Dream Team” was forced to eat those words on national television himself with his four picks. But I don’t blame him nearly as much for the loss as DeSean Jackson. He mistimed his catch on two balls in the end zone against the Patriots. He tried to wait until he had a contract to secure the ball.

Seriously, what a quitter. I can’t wait to not have to root for him anymore. During the Seahawks game, he ran his routes downfield and rarely even looked back to Vince for the ball. I can understand if you’re not gonna block for your running back. That has more to do with being a coward than a quitter. But now he’s not even looking for the ball. I hope he goes the way of Eric Lindross and T.O. and we just sit him there to rot for the rest of the season. Then he can be someone else’s cancer. But his little pouty face and bullshit attitude will likely cost him millions of dollars in the long run. And that is what I tell myself to sleep at night.

In other news, there is finally a white cornerback in the league for the first time since Jason Sehorn. And he’s actually a college quarterback turned wide receiver. His name is Julian Edelman and of course he plays for Bill Belichick. Because he has the ability to take unknown players and put them into the right position to help his football team be the dominant team it has been for the last decade. Which is the opposite of what the Eagles do.

Bullshit Call of the Week: I don’t watch a lot of European soccer because I have respect for myself. But what Jerome Simpson from the Bengals did last week against the Browns was Vlade Divac ridiculous. Professional wrestlers were taking notes. John Kerry called him afterwards to congratulate him. Then he rescinded his compliment. The ref did exactly what you’re taught not to do and, having only seen a small part of what happened, filled in the rest of the information in his head, thus rewarding Simpson for his Jack Nicholson class acting job. And the NFL didn’t fine him at all. That’s even more bullshitier than the ref’s original call.

Bullshit GM Move of the Week: Let’s say I invite you to make me dinner. You have a favorite spatula that you’re comfortable with so you bring it. I don’t let you in the door until 10 minutes before the guests arrive. Then I take your spatula and throw it out the window. Instead, I hand you a spork with two missing prongs and a car tire. Then I tell all my guests that our shitty dinner is your fault. Who are we? Yes, you’re Jack Del Rio and I’m Wayne Weaver. And Luke McCown is the car tire.

Teammates of the Week: I saw a highlight that showed Devin Hester back to return a punt and figured I would hear the familiar chalkboard-like shrieks of “Why does anybody punt to him” by the formulaic talking heads on SportsCenter. Instead, I saw a punt travel 80 yards IN THE AIR! Holy crap. And no, nobody was able to down it, so it only netted 60 yards. This came on the same day that Janikowski kicked 6 field goals to beat the Bears. Make fun of kickers if you want, but there’s a reason they have them in the game. And there’s a reason they’re the only two players left over from their 2003 AFC champion team.

Karmic Play of the Week: Steve Johnson caught a touchdown pass and mocked Plaxico Burress by pretending to shoot himself in his literal leg. Then he shot himself in the metaphoric foot later, costing his team the game. Karma is a pretend gun, Stevie.

Quick Inside Slant: Week Eleven

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Eleven:

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all had your fill of turkey and cranberry sauce, which I’m still unsure of how it fought its way into this tradition. And I hope you all saw the refs and/or the NFL show how biased they are toward the Packers. Honestly, I want them to go undefeated and shove the Superbowl game ball up the ass of Maurice Morris. But it was embarrassingly clear that either the NFL issued that same sentiment to the refs or this officiating crew took it in their own hands.

There was a nice hit on Matt Stafford by Clay Matthews just as the ball was being thrown. Cool. Good timing. Approximately the exact next possession, Kyle Vanden Bosch made the same exact hit on Aaron Rodgers and was flagged for roughing the passer. There was also a flag for “pass interference” on the same play for playing defense against an Aaron Rodgers-thrown pass on the same play. And I can’t be sure, but I think I saw someone in black and white stripes actually throw a block on a punt return.

And to eject Suh from the game for simply trying to rip someone’s head off and stomp on them like a dirty turdhole? That seems excessive. What the NFL should do is actually wait until he kills someone. Because I think that’s where this guy is headed. He truly doesn’t think he did anything wrong. Much like Hitler. And yes, now I’ve compared a defensive lineman to Hitler. He’s that much of a turdhole. I wonder if he knows that killing is wrong.

Bonehead Play of the Week: It’s late in the fourth quarter. Odds of Sand Diego coming back are not good. Philip Rivers is chased out of the pocket and decides to throw the ball away. Rather than waste all that energy throwing it out of bounds, he throws it to the open field. And he gets picked off. This is not his year. He can’t even figure out how to throw an incompletion.

Bullshit Call of the Week: I’m not a fan of taunting. Or DeSean Jackson. Or cranberry sauce. But I am a fan of proper officiating. After a crucial 55-yard pass play from the 5-yard line during which there was a defensive penalty, Jackson flipped the ball at some players on the Giants sideline and did that “Look at Me” nonsense that makes me wish we’d bench him for the rest of the season. He drew a taunting flag and the penalties offset and the Eagles had to replay the down from the 5. But because the taunting came after the play, it should have been dealt with separately, after the outcome of the play had been determined. I’m not bitching here about judgment calls, because refs have a hard job and they miss calls in the speed of a game. I understand. I’m bitching about the rule interpretation, which a team of 7 officials on the field, given time to set their footing over the calls made, absolutely need to get right. That said, DeSean Jackson is a little bitch and I’ve given up on the Eagles already, so I don’t mind it that much.

Fantasy Dud of the Week: Week 10 was an amazing time for John Skelton. It looked like he was the next Tom Brady, if Kevin Kolb was Drew Bledsoe. He came out with 32 fantasy points and a fourth quarter comeback against the Eagles (surprise, surprise). Week 11. The 49ers have been pretty good, but there was no stopping this guy, right? Wrong. 99 yards passing and 3 picks, no TDs. -2 points. And he played all game. Yikes.

Hard Luck Team of the Week: Well, the Colts have a bye, so I’ll leave them alone. Besides, they lost Peyton Manning. Everybody knows why they’re losing. But I have no idea why Miami only has 3 wins. Especially after their 35-8 drubbing of the once high-flying Bills. It’s like they’re not even trying to win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes anymore.

Proper and Improper Uses of the Word “Literally” in Sports History

Proper and Improper Uses of the Word “Literally” in Sports History

December 28, 2004 – After a Los Angeles Lakers victory over the Toronto Raptors in which Kobe Bryant scored 48 points and shot 57% from behind the arc, John Anderson said that Bryant “literally carried the team on his back.”

At a team Christmas party earlier that week, Bryant was reading Dr. Seuss’s “The Sneetches” to his daughter. To represent how Sylvester McMonkey McBean was wiping off stars with his Star-OFF machine, Bryant mounted PG Derek Fisher on his back and wiggled him around the room. His daughter was so delighted, that Bryant repeated this with all of his teammates, literally carrying the team on his back. Shaquille O’Neal was a member of the Miami Heat at the time. Diagnosis: proper usage.

March 3, 2004 – In a press conference after an 11-point loss to the New York Knicks, Philadelphia Sixers SG Allen Iverson said he “literally could not buy a bucket today.”

On his way to Madison Square Garden, Iverson stopped by a KFC/Taco Bell and ordered a bucket of Original Recipe chicken. With the KFC credit card machine not working at the time, Iverson was forced to pay in cash. Having been predisposed to not carrying any with him, he could only muster up enough spare change from his seat cushions for the 4-piece meal. He then showed up to MSG and went 2 for 21 from the floor, ending the Sixers’ playoff chances. Diagnosis: proper usage.

November 11, 2003 – In reference to FB Tony Richardson, Trey Wingo stated on NFL Live “this is the guy who literally paves the way for Priest Holmes.”

At the time, Richardson was a Pro Bowl fullback whose primary responsibility was to block for Holmes, the league’s leading rusher. It wasn’t until after the 2010 season, when Richardson became part owner of Ground and Pound Concrete, a southern affiliate of Driveways! Driveways! Driveways!, that he found himself in a position to pick up a job for a familiar client in his San Antonio area home. Despite their relationship, Ground and Pound was outbid by Touch Down Masonry and Richardson didn’t get the chance to pave the way for Holmes. Diagnosis: improper usage.

September 21, 2008 – On Sunday NFL Countdown, Mike Ditka called the upcoming game between the 0-2 Cleveland Browns and the 0-1 Baltimore Ravens a “must win for the Cleveland Browns – literally – a must win.” He actually paused to emphasize literally.

The Browns, having already lost a division game to Pittsburgh, would be unable to statistically overcome an 0-3 start to the season with 2 division losses. The Browns lost the game in route to a 4-12 season, missing the playoffs for the sixth straight season, thus proving Ditka’s emphasis on literally undeniably correct. Diagnosis: proper usage.

March 25, 2002 – After a one-point loss to the Denver Nuggets, New York Knicks perennial backup PG Charlie Ward claimed that he “just literally dropped the ball on that one.”

He was speaking in reference to a botched defensive assignment which gave Nick Van Exel an easy go-ahead layup with 3 seconds left in the game. Ward then reminded reporters that he won the Heisman Trophy back in 1993 and went on a very tearful personal confession about regretting certain life decisions for 23 minutes. He did not, however, literally drop a ball. Diagnosis: improper usage.

Quick Inside Slant: Week Ten

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Ten:

Sorry but I needed to take my bye last week after the Eagles stole another defeat from the jaws of victory on Monday night. I almost gave up football completely. Sundays were beginning to get more stressful than my quarterly review. That’s when I remembered that I’m not actually on the Eagles and I’m not bound in any significant way to the team. This was a bag of bricks that should be easy enough to set down. I don’t have to set aside time to go to a bar to watch the Eagles play the Cardinals next week. And it’s a damn good thing I didn’t. Does that make me less of a fan? Of course it does. Do I care? Let me explain.

I am an Eagles fan living in Redskins territory. This is usually a non-issue as D.C. has both a very transient geography and a very underperforming football team. In addition to being an Eagles fan, however, I am also a rational human being. Root for whoever you want to root for and a little harmless trash talk is certainly appreciated. But next time I’m at the Susan G. Komen Race For a Cure wearing an Eagles visor in memory of my father who died of lung cancer, just think how important it is for you to blurt out “Eagles suck!” in a crowd of 50,000 people. Because I’m going to say “So does cancer.”

This is fanhood. A Grand Canyon-sized crevice in otherwise rational people’s thought processes. Or a normal-sized flat plain of land in idiots. And I fall into it just as much as everybody else. “Nice Cowboys hat. Are you from Texas?... No!?... Well then explain why you’re a Cowboys fan and if I don’t like it, I’m going to unfairly judge you for being less of a person than me.” What makes me better than you for rooting for the team from my local area? If anything, I should be rooting for a team that I admire for some other logical reason. More community service work, an interesting defensive scheme, shinier helmets. Loyalty to a team just because I was born close to their stadium is the antithesis of creativity. I should really be rooting for other things anyway. Like Detroit to actually get to the playoffs. The failure of Eli Manning, Mark Sanchez and Phillip Rivers is always fun. Or for Green Bay to go undefeated this year so we can finally put to bed that damn ‘72 Dolphins tradition of celebrating the week that the last undefeated team loses. It’s the most conceited and egotistical tradition in all of sports. Instead, I’m confined to root for a 3-6 team that is possibly the most underachieving team of all time against a division rival without their $100 million quarterback. And the answer is yes I do. Because I’m too scared to admit my theory to a society that isn’t ready for it. That said, E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES! Besides, I’m rooting for Eli’s failure anyway.

Bonehead Play of the Week: Marc Sanchez, who I’m still not sure why I dislike, called a time out on a 3^rd down play with 1:27 left in the half when he could have let the clock run down another 30 seconds instead. They scored on the next play, but left Tom Brady enough time to drive down and score on the next drive, which ultimately made the difference in the game. Marc’s coach, leader of men that he is, called him out on national television about how stupid he is. J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!

‘Nice Play; Don’t Ever Do It Again’ Play of the Week: As a punt returner, you are taught to plant your back foot on the 10-yard line and not to field anything inside of that. Patrick Peterson of the Cardinals opted to field a punt on the 1-yard line. Yes, the one. And he ran it back 99 yards to win the game in overtime. Nice play, Patrick. Don’t ever do it again.

‘Why Not’ Move of the Week: And in the “what the hell” category, Shanahan has decided to go back to Rex Grossman as the starter for Washington. I guess he has a short memory when it comes to the 11 interceptions he threw in the first 4 weeks of the season. Wow! You mean that didn’t work? Another 2 picks? I’m just glad they’re in our division.

Unbelievable Stat of the Week: Did Tim Tebow really win a game in which he didn’t complete a pass for the first 41 minutes of the game? And then he only completed two? Two complete passes in a win? I’d almost rather be 3-6. And then he managed to win again on Thursday with another horrible 56 minutes of crap and 4 minutes of blind luck. I can’t believe he has more wins than the Eagles. That’s the most disappointing part of the season.

Quick Inside Slant: Week Eight

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Eight:

I made a typo last week and I’d like to correct that now. In reference to the Miami comeback, I mentioned that there “wasn’t a good Tim Tebow and a bad Tim Tebow, but there was only one average, erratic and overhyped Tim Tebow.” I mistakenly typed the word “average” when I meant to type the word “horrific beyond reasonable imagination.”

I kinda feel bad for the guy. He seems like a really nice guy – unlike most of the Roethlisbergers that come into the league these days – and he didn’t ask for the massive group stroke job he’s getting. But I have come to terms with being alright poking fun of the
overpaid athletes and celebrities who get exposed for their massive shortcomings. And in his case, it’s unfortunately his ability to play the position he’s been paid millions of dollars to play. You can generally learn to stop sexually assaulting people in bathrooms, but poor Timmy’s got a mountain of incompetence to climb. One of the Lions defenders said he was bored during the game last week. In reference to his skill level at the quarterback position, Merril Hoge said, “it’s never been this bad.” Hopefully for Tebow, the greater public will still be too busy making fun of his religious posturing to concentrate on his lack of talent.

Surprising Stat of the Week: OK, how many of you watched draft day and thought that Cam Newton was going to be a fun toy and would sell tickets, but would ultimately just be a punchline? Me too. And right now, he’s 2^nd in the league in passing yards and tops the charts in fantasy points. He’s also on pace for 4,786 passing yards. The rookie record, set by Peyton Manning in 1998, is over 1,000 yards less than that. And somehow they’re only 2-6.

Bonehead Play of the Week: It’s not often that I pick on the Patriots for doing anything stupid. So you’re in for a treat. New England was down 13 points to the Steelers when Rob Gronkowski scored with 4:11 left in the game. Only the refs didn’t call it that way. Instead, the ball was ruled down on the one-yard line. I can understand the idea behind just lining up and trying to punch it in, since they had another couple downs to play with. BUT, once they ran the play clock down to 4 seconds getting the next play in and thinking about it, the risk/reward decision swung heavily back to throwing the challenge flag. Because if it held up, all that time would go back on the clock. They did indeed score with 2:35 left, but trying to mount an 80-yard drive with 19 seconds left is a little more difficult than doing it with 2 minutes left. It’s worth potentially wasting a time out, bonehead.

Hard Luck Team of the Week: The Colts are the hard luck team of the season. But I’m not sure even Peyton could have saved this team. Last I know, he didn’t punt the ball. However, Miami wins this award for the second week in a row. They looked poised for a huge upset and even went for it on 4^th and goal in a “why the hell not?” move and made it, putting them up 14-3. But once again, they squandered it in the fourth quarter, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Boneheadier Play of the Week: The Chargers are finding new, creative ways to lose now. In the “did that really just happen” department, Phillip Rivers dropped the center/quarterback exchange in the final drive in which they only needed a field goal to win. Oops. It’s kinda hard not to blame that one on you, Phil. Cry me a rivers.

Quick Inside Slant: Week Seven

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher (The Saint)
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Seven:

Are you ready for some suckball? Because that Monday Night Mess most assuredly was not football. I feel bad for any Ravens fan (or one of the 47 Jags fans in the U.S.) who actually watched that game. I stopped watching 10 minutes into the second quarter and decided to lick the cat hair off my rug both because it made me feel more productive with my time and mostly because I needed to get that taste out of my mouth. 8 passing yards in the first half? Even Trent Dilfer managed double digits every half. I think. At least when the Eagles lose, it’s good TV.

This was also the week that we sent two unfortunate teams overseas to England to play a real game that actually counts in the standings. It’s important to note that these are real teams. With real heartbeats and real feelings and real jobs on the line. I guess it’s kind of a nice outreach program as far as England is concerned. They probably have a lot of buzz around it, being as it’s the only professional football game played there all year. Kinda like if we only had one soccer game played here all year. Per chance to dream…

I don’t believe in curses, but the Madden Curse is tough to ignore. This year, however, the curse bizarrely extended to everyone named Peyton (or Payton). There’s of course Peyton Hillis, with his strep, his hamstring and his agent bullshit. And then there’s Peyton Manning with his neck injury that may earn him a role as Andrew Luck’s next quarterback coach. And strangely there’s Sean Payton, the coach of the Saints that fractured his tibia and tore his MCL. He doesn’t play. That never happens. Even Walter Payton was posthumously exposed in a memoir earlier this year. Really? Can we stop coming out with this stupid video game please for the good of the mankind? And for God’s sake, please don’t let Dustin Keller make the cover next year.

Also of note is that the Saints won 62-7 this week. They’re pretty damn good. In related news, the Colts lost 62-7 this week.

Fantasy Dud of the Week: Congrats, Cinci. You got the better of this deal. Carson Palmer’s debut as a Raider yielded 3 interceptions and -1.36 fantasy points. And he only played in the second half. No Raider had thrown three interceptions in one half since… well, since Kyle Boller did it in the first half.

Fantasy Stud of the Week: And in the other corner, we have Kansas City’s defense. They had a total of 9 points coming into this game. That’s an average of less than two points per game. That will get you on collegiate academic probation. They busted out for 40 points in this game, bringing up their average to over 8 points per game. Nicely done, KC. That should help with your financial aid package.

Bullshit Call of the Week: What is the dirtiest play in all of sports? You may think it’s biting someone’s ear off after Mike Tyson lost his damned mind against Evander Holyfield. And you’d have a legitimate argument. But that’s an isolated incident of a man who got a tribal tattoo on his fucking face. The dirtiest play in sports is the intentional kick to the groin. And there have been few recorded that are as blatant as the one that happened last week in the Packers/Vikings game. Brian Robinson, a backup defensive end, kicked T.J. Lang as square in the groin as you possibly can. A flag was thrown on the play. This means that the ref saw it clear enough to call the penalty. And yet, that player was not ejected from the game. After having his face mask grabbed, Brendon Ayanbadejo of the Ravens (and a current University of Baltimore grad student) slapped a Jaguar lineman on the helmet with his open hand and got ejected from the game. This means there is a ref in the NFL who saw the blatant and intentional kick to the groin and decided it wasn’t dirty enough to eject someone from the game. There’s a guy that deserves a kick in the nuts.

Tough Guy Play of the Week: It isn’t too often that you see one of those special teams tackles that you can feel all the way in your recliner and then you look up to find out it was the kicker that made the hit. First he was the Sexiest Player in the NFL, and now Neil Rackers won my little award. He must be living right.

Overhyped Player of the Week: Tim Tebow could win this award every week, but at least he won it by actually playing this time. I will give him the credit he rightly deserves. He performed extremely well at the end of the game given the circumstances he was put in. If it wasn’t for the fact that Tim Tebow had put him in that position against the worst team in the league, maybe the Tim Tebow is a God argument would carry more weight. There is not a good Tim Tebow and a bad Tim Tebow. There is only one average, erratic and overhyped Tim Tebow, who dramatically triumphed over his own skill against an 0-6 team last week. Congrats. I guess.

Quick Inside Slant: Week Six

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Six:

Thank you, Nate Coleman. I can go to work this week.

Jim Harbaugh is an asshole. Can we please just call a spade an asshole spade? Both Mike Ditka and Merrill Hoge said on ESPN “That’s just Jim Harbaugh.” When as a society are we going to stop using that phrase as a license to be an asshole? Hey. What’s with that guy killing all those Jews? “Oh, that’s just Hitler.” Now I’m not calling Jim Harbaugh Hitler by any means, I’m just pointing out the flaws in that line of thinking, which is unfortunately all too prevalent in the world today. Authenticity of one’s own character is more respected in our culture than being a nice guy. And it breeds assholes and gives them an excuse not to change. Well, I’ll say it. The guy’s an arrogant asshole. You could easily see that when he coached Stanford and went for two late in the game against USC when he was winning by 30. Remember that post-game handshake with him and Pete Carroll? Remember “What’s your deal?” Thankfully, they get to shake hands twice each season. I’m hoping one of them ends with Pete Carroll slapping him in the neck.

And why isn’t anybody talking about the exposed tummy skin he shot on the way to the handshake? It wasn’t a damn accident, morons. This is cut from the same cloth the NBA thugs and the ballers on Light Street in B-more use to show they’re disrespecting someone. A little flash of the nip to let you know. If I were Jim Schwartz, I wouldn’t have let him shake my hand and shove me aside because I’d be too busy punching him in the newly exposed gut. As mentioned, there’s a post-game protocol in this league – nay, in EVERY league – and somehow, almost impossibly so, Jim Harbaugh made it this far in life without ever learning that you aren’t supposed to act like a brash asshole in front of the team you just beat. You can learn that lesson from your local tee ball team. Run into the locker room and call their wives ugly and bust on their post 9/11 economy, but for the love of shit, act like you’ve been there before.

And will one of you media circle jerkers please finish up and call him out on this? He isn’t Brett freakin Farve. He’s been in the league for 6 games and granted, he has an 83% win percentage, but grow a testicle please. If everyone is afraid to be the outspoken one to get banished from the Harbaugh Christmas Card list, then I guess all we’re going to hear is “That’s just Jim Harbaugh” and nothing will change. Not even a damn fine.

Of course, it’s possible Jim Schwartz deserved it. He’s a little bitch anyway.

Bullshit Call of the Week: AJ Hawk was fined $10,000 for flipping his own team the bird. Troy Pomalumbo was fined the same amount for calling his wife from the sideline to let her know he was OK after a concussion. Neither of the coaches involved in the bitchfest scuffle got fined at all. Bullshit.

Tough Guy Play of the Week: Pick on him if you must because I know you will, but Jay Cutler manned up last week and when Matt Forte decided to reverse his field completely, he threw a very effectively block against Jared Allen, who is a professional defensive linemen.

Fantasy Dud of the Week: I don’t think anybody’s gonna call me a hater for this one. Sorry Rex, but when you sign up to take the bad with the good, you’re eventually gonna see the bad. I’m just glad it reared its ugly head when it did. A close second fantasy dud would be Vince Young, who came into the game for one play and threw an interception in the same game. Thankfully, you were duddier.