Rating Christmas Decorations

Christmas Decorations

Trees - The more I think about it, this is the funniest part of Christmas. For a month out of the year (give or take) we cut down a perfectly healthy tree and bring it into our house and put lots of shit on it. I've been living with it for so long, I haven't thought about the whole concept for a while. This isn't a fern, it's a whole freakin tree! And it's right next to the TV. I'm surprised more people don't just have trees in their houses year round. I think I might start that trend. But it might be a little cruel to keep it in the tree stand without the ability to grow roots and just watch it die slowly. Of course, it's not like we plant them back in the ground when we're done with them. If it weren't for all the damn pine needles I need to vacuum, this would have gotten an A+. I mean, a tree right in the livingroom. Funny shit. A-

Lights - Lights are tricky. They can really bring out the magic in your Christmas scene or they can send you into an epileptic fit. And gone are the days of tacking them up to the gutter outside. They make it idiot proof now. Like sheets of lights all webbed together so you can just throw them onto trees and they're all perfectly spaced and everything. I'm not a fan of this. I like to see people put a little effort into putting their lights up. But what the hell do I know? I want to grow trees inside my apartment. B

Wreaths - Gotta admit, this one is a little different too. Somehow, Christmas got associated with wreaths for some reason. A circular conglomeration of usually biodegradable twigs and leaves of assorted different plant life of all sorts. And it's usually about head level and hung on front doors. Like a scarlet letter for pagans. But still pretty original. B+

Tinsel - Tinsel sucks. It's even worse than the pine needles in the clean-up department because they instantly clog up the dustbuster. There has yet to be developed a good way to get rid of tinsel. It's like dog hair but without the benefit of owning a dog. And if you don't put it on one or two strands at a time, it looks like a toaster hanging up on the tree and it's just not worth the sacrifice for me. But it is sparkly. D

I was talking with my printer guy about this speed skating thing he's into. Every year, he goes up to Milwaukee for this national speed skating conference and races this brotherhood from all across the country. And probably Canada, but I don't really consider that another country. Anyway, he was saying how there are several guys in his 55-60 age bracket that are awesome and he says that he'd never beat them. The only hope he has is to outlast them. There's a guy in the 80+ category that wins every year because he's the only one in his age range...

Quote of the Day 12/14/04

"And that's the one that counts! All the other ones, you just get a stupid little medal."

- The Dingle


Push comes to shove, life is really just a battle of attrition. First one to the finish line loses.

Merry Christmas,

Extend-a-Claus.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Aspects of the Holidays

Aspects of the Holidays

Cookies - This is probably one of the best aspects of Christmas there is. Everywhere you go, people are offering you cookies and making cookies for you. It's gotta suck for people trying to watch their weight because they can't escape the endless torture that this cookie making holiday hell imposes upon them. But for the rest of us, eat on! A

Presents - Well, this is a two-edged sword. Unless you don't care what other people think of your gifts or of what you get. I think it's cool to get a nice gift every once in a while, but I think I stress out too much around the holidays about whether or not my Aunt is going to appreciate thoroughly the Espresso machine made in the shape of Paul Reiser's head. And it turns out that grandma doesn't listen to gangsta rap anymore either. And God forbid you forget anybody. But it is cool getting shit you want but wouldn't pay for. B+

Vacation Time - This is the single greatest thing about this holiday. Everybody has off. Schools and all other businesses. Schools are lucky enough to have off the entire week between Christmas and New Years. That's an awesome break to relieve some tension between summers. The students do however, have to worry about finals all the way up until the actual holiday on occasion. But if you're lucky enough to work at a college, you get the best of both worlds. A+

Family - Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my family get together, and the kids are great. But on the flip side, I get "So, are you seeing anybody? Why not? Is something the wrong with you? What ever happened to old what's her name? I know somebody you'd like." No you don't, grandma. And even if you did, it doesn't work that way anymore. We have no cattle to trade her family. And I don't have a farm that would require a child to plow it anyway. But I can handle that. It's when they lapse back into "So, when are you getting a real job? Did your parents bust their ass so you could become a flag football referee?" that I can't stand. I'm sure they're interested, but nothing's going on and I'd rather not talk about it. But you can't say that to them or it's considered rude, or so I found out on Thanksgiving 98. B

One of my secretaries (I have several) was telling us today how her dog chased her cat up into her tree. We thought this was moderately amusing until she mentioned it was her Christmas tree. That's really funny. I can picture ornaments flying off, tinsel getting stuck all over the cat's fur and in its paws. She didn't have to call the fire dept thankfully, but between the pine needles and the unhappy bitch cat, she required 13 stitches. Anyway, she was telling this story to my boss and myself, among others, to which my boss replied...

Quote Of the Day 11/19/00

"That's why I don't have a cat. Or a dog. Or a tree."

-Boss Man G.


Of course, he's Jewish. That event would likely start a 3 alarm fire in his house.

Going home for Christmas,

Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...