A Giftmas Miracle – Part 2: The Ninth Day of Giftmas 2011

A Giftmas Miracle – Part 2: The Ninth Day of Giftmas 2011

So you're sayin there a chance!

Thank you so much Santa, for giving us the gift of another week of hope. Of all the games that we needed, the most improbable of them was a Redskins victory over the Giants. On any given week, Mark Sanchez can play anywhere from horrible to serviceably well and Tony Romo’s inconsistencies –  especially in December – are very well-documented. But relying on Rex Grossman to win a game against a Giants team that came 4 points away from beating the undefeatable Packers was a tall order. But somehow, you managed to keep hope alive. Now onto the next phase:

It’s pretty simple now, especially after the Detroit comeback. Not easy, but simple. We cannot get the wild card now that two teams in the North (GB and DET) and two teams in the South (NO and ATL) both have at least 9 wins. The only way we can get to the playoffs is through the East. And the only way that can happen is with a three way tie at 8-8. This means PHI needs to win out and have DAL lose out and NYG lose one game. Thankfully, we play each other a couple times so we can take out two birds with one stone. Because if PHI played ATL this week and DAL played SF, we’d need both games to go a certain way. But since we play each other, a PHI win=a DAL loss. One stone. Two birds. Same in week 17 when NYG plays DAL. And all four games are very even or favorable matchups. Four games left. One in 16 chance (again, if flipping coins). And here’s how it shakes out:

Week 16: NYG vs. NYJ, 1:00pm: PHI needs NYJ to win. NYJ favored by 2.5. Home game for NYJ. Also home game for NYG. Giants known for choking away leads in December. Jets known for inconsistent quarterback play. Both these facts are good for the cause. Projected result: NYJ win. 1 in 8 chance.

Week 16: PHI vs. DAL, 4:15pm: PHI needs to win. DAL favored by 1. DAL lost to PHI by 27 earlier this year. DAL not eliminated with loss. PHI will know before game starts if they have a chance. Felix Jones and DeMarco Murray still hurt. Romo famous for sucking in December. Would be very funny if PHI wins. Result: PHI win. 1 in 4 chance and a reason to watch football next week.

Week 17: PHI vs. WAS, 1:00pm: PHI needs to win. Projected line: PHI favored by 11 (projected by me based on very little – not taking bets). WAS has nothing to play for, never does in December. PHI beat WAS easily earlier in year. Rex Grossman still sucks. Result: PHI win. 1 in 2 chance.

Week 17: DAL vs. NYG, 8:20pm (projected flex game): NYG need to win. Projected line: pick em’. By kickoff, NYG will know they’re eliminated, will motivate them more. NYG beat DAL a few weeks ago in closing minutes on blocked field goal. Some BS like that will happen again. Result: NYG win. 1 in 1 chance.

If nothing else, PHI should make the playoffs just because it would be funny. Same with the Chiefs. But that’s a story for another day. And once we get in the playoffs, look out world. We’re playing with house money. Let’s go out and show the world that you can win the Superbowl even with two 4-game losing streaks in the middle of your season. Man, would that piss off a lot of people. Especially, CHI, SEA and ARI who will all have better records than us and be sitting at home watching the playoffs like me. Vince, the Dream Team is back on!

A Giftmas Miracle: The Third Day of Giftmas 2011

A Giftmas Miracle: The Third Day of Giftmas 2011

Each year around this time, I wish for a Giftmas Miracle. This year is no exception. The wish is the same. The only difference is the enormity of the denominator. And yes, I’m talking about the Eagles making the playoffs.

Believe it or not, they’re not dead yet. Beaten and bloody, but with a heartbeat. They have a 1 in 28 chance of winning the NFC East. Well, this is true if every game was determined by a coin flip. Which, obviously, they are not. Which means we need either the Bucs or the Skins to win this weekend. Which makes me wish games were decided by coin flips.

1 in 28? Are you just making shit up, Dustin? I do make things up a lot. Guilty. But this is an actual number. I know this because it’s also the actual number of points we give up in the fourth quarter.

OK, so here’s how we win the NFC East. Ready? Because you may want to get a sandwich now and clear your schedule for the next 10 minutes. Also, all teams will be referred to by their abbreviation because I plan on typing a lot. Here we go…

1. First off, PHI needs to win the rest of their games to get to 8-8 (NYJ, DAL, WAS). 7 wins won’t cut it since both NYG and DAL have 7 right now and they play each other, putting at least one of them at 8 wins.

2. NYG and DAL can only end up with 8 wins max. Thankfully, we own the tie-breaker against both of these teams individually and collectively. Or at least we will if we win out. We’ll be 2-0 against DAL and 1-1 against NYG with a 5-1 division record, whereas NYG and DAL are currently 2-2.

3. We already know one of them will get one in Week 17 when they play each other. Crap. So here comes the first of many if/then statements.

a. If NYG wins (the Week 17 game), we need them to lose games against WAS and NYJ. DAL will have already lost against PHI in this scenario, so that’s one less game we need to worry about. In this scenario, we can actually get away with DAL beating TB in Week 15.

i. This scenario requires that the following games go one certain way (Week 15 – PHI/NYJ, NYG/WAS: Week 16 – PHI/DAL: Week 17 – PHI/WAS). We’ve already assumed that NYG has won the Week 17 matchup against DAL, so it needn’t be in this equation. Instead, this number will be averaged with the number from the other variable of the if/then statement. There are 5 games in total, which means our odds of having them all go our way (coin flip style) is 1 in (2*2*2*2*2)=1/32. Ta da.

b. If DAL wins (the Week 17 game), it gets a little more complicated. They will now need to lose that game against TB (in addition to the PHI game already accounted for). Also, NYG will need to lose one of their remaining two games against WAS and NYJ.

i. Should NYG win the game against WAS, they then MUST beat NYJ. This means the following games must go a certain way (Week 15 – PHI/NYJ, DAL/TB: Week 16 – PHI/DAL, NYG/NYJ: Week 17 – PHI/WAS). Now, the NYG/WAS game has assumed a winner. So that, along with the NYG/DAL game, are not in this equation. There are again 5 games in total, making odds of 1/32 again.

ii. Should NYG lose the game against WAS, they can do whatever they want to against the NYJ, knocking the total of games that need go a certain way down to four (Week 15 – PHI/NYJ, DAL/TB: Week 16 – PHI/DAL, NYG/NYJ: Week 17 – PHI/WAS). Once again, the NYG/WAS and NYG/DAL games have been accounted for through the if/then statement. So this number is now 1 in (2*2*2*2)=1/16.

iii. Averaged together under the umbrella of DAL winning the NYG/DAL matchup, the odds of this happening is 1 in (32*16)/2=24, or 1/24.

c. So considering the 1/32 chance PHI has of making the playoffs if NYG wins that Week 17 match with DAL and the 1/24 chance if DAL wins, the odds of PHI getting to 8-8, while making sure that NYG and DAL keep to a max of 8 wins averages out to 1 in (32*24)/2, or 1/28. See. Told ya.

4. Incidentally, this translates into a 3.91% chance of winning the division. Better than you thought, eh? In order to keep alive through Week 15, PHI will need to win their game and have either NYG or DAL lose, which translates into a 1/3 chance. How about that?

5. Also, I didn’t bother to take into consideration ties, as coins rarely land on their sides.

Are you ready for the completely impossible stuff? Should we lose the NFC East race, we have a 1 in 589.5 chance of making the wild card. OK, that one’s gotta be made up. Wrong again, Slick. Now you may want to get a bottle of wine and an adult diaper on for this. But I figured it all out, so I’m gonna ruin your day with math.

So you’re sayin there’s a chance…

1. First of all, PHI needs to get to 8 wins since ATL and DET are already there.

a. This means that they must either be involved in the tie-breaker or have the #5 seed.

2. The following teams can all end the season at 8-8: PHI, ATL, DET, CHI, SEA, ARI, NYG, DAL

a. Only one team from any one division will be involved in the tie-break. If teams from the same division are tied, the in-division tie-breakers will be applied to determine which team will represent that division in the cross-division tie-break.

b. This means PHI will never be in a tiebreak with DAL or NYG. More on this later.

c. Of the other 5 teams, the only team not to beat us is DET. More on this later.

3. The first tie-breaker is head-to-head.

a. In multiple team tie-breakers, one team must have swept or been swept by the other teams in order to apply it.

4. Because DET is the only team that could be involved in a tie-break with PHI who hasn’t beat them, they must be involved in the wild card tie-break, or else PHI would be forced out by the head-to-head tie-break (3a).

a. This means that DET cannot have more than 8 wins, so they must lose the remainder of their games to go 8-8.

b. This will also make them 2-3 in common opponents with PHI (ATL, DAL, SF, CHI), who is also 2-3. This will be important later.

5. CHI is 7-6 right now and split their two meetings with DET. If they were to finish at 8-8, they would enter into a tie-break with DET to determine which team would represent the NFC North in the wild card tie-break (2a).

a. CHI is 2-2 in the division and DET is 3-2. If CHI wins their non-division game (SEA) and loses the other two, they will 1) have the same record, 2) be tied in head-to-head games, and 3) have a worse division record than DET. Therefore, PHI can afford CHI to win the SEA game.

b. A CHI win against GB or MIN would give them an equal division record (3-3), but CHI will have a 6-8 record in common games (all but wins against PHI and SEA), while DET will have a 7-7 record (win over DAL, loss to SF). Therefore, DET would still represent the NFC North if they win a division game.

c. Together, this means regardless of which game CHI wins, they will lose the tie-breaker to DET, so PHI can afford them to win any one of their games to still allow DET into the wild card tie-break.

6. SEA is currently 6-7, but they are 5-4 within the conference with 3 conference games to go. At 8-8, they would be 7-5 in the conference. However, they have all the same common opponents as DET and PHI and their current record in games against them is 0-3 with two to go. So as long as they don’t win their two games against SF and CHI, they could make it to 8-8.

a. Because SEA cannot win both of their games against SF and CHI, but they can still win two games, their game against ARI doesn’t matter. At least not to them.

7. ARI is 6-5 and a win against SEA would give them the tie-breaker against SEA, as they’d be 4-2 in the division and SEA would be 4-2 at beast (pun intended), though ARI would be 7-5 in conference and SEA (since they’re not allowed to win against SF and CHI) would be 6-6 at beast. This would make for a huge problem with PHI, as a 7-5 conference record would beat out all other 8-8 teams. So if ARI is going to win two games, it cannot win the SEA game.

8. I have a headache. This was actually, believe it or not, a lot easier before I realized that CHI could still lose to DET in a tie-break based on common opponents (5b). In my original prognosis, I skipped ahead to conference record and determined that CHI could not be 8-8 and still give PHI a chance at the wild card. Once I discovered that to be incorrect, PHI chances were better, but the problem got A LOT more complicated.

a. Also, this is all based around giving ATL the #5 seed. If PHI is tied with ATL and DET, ATL wins the tie-break based on beating DET and PHI head-to-head. However, if PHI, ATL, DET and SEA are all tied at 8-8, it will come down to points.

i. Which means that ARI or CHI could go 9-7 and get the #5 and PHI would still have a chance I strength of victory against those other three teams.

b. This scenario is actually true of the following multi-team matchups (PHI, ATL, DET, SEA – PHI, ATL, DET, ARI – PHI, DET, SEA – PHI, DET, ARI).

i. Again, strength of victory only comes in after considering head-to-head, division games, common opponents and conference games. Which I did in all cases. Of course, we still have to win strength of victory and we're 57 behind DET right now. There is no coin to determine those percentages.

So again, in full disclosure, all this assumes that ATL either wins the #5 seed with an 8, 9, 10 or 11-win record OR they stay in the 8-8 muck without CHI, ARI or SEA besting them at 9-7 or 10-6. I will have to figure all that out tomorrow for you lovely people. Or maybe I’ll go to bed at a reasonable hour instead.

Quick Inside Slant: Week Twelve:

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Twelve:

Well, the Eagles season is all but officially over. I really enjoyed the scenarios they spit at us on Thursday night about how if we win out and the Giants beat the Cowboys twice and lose two of their other three games that we could get into the playoffs. Right before we proceeded to get our ass beat by the third NFC West team this year. It’s fitting that the guy who coined the term “Dream Team” was forced to eat those words on national television himself with his four picks. But I don’t blame him nearly as much for the loss as DeSean Jackson. He mistimed his catch on two balls in the end zone against the Patriots. He tried to wait until he had a contract to secure the ball.

Seriously, what a quitter. I can’t wait to not have to root for him anymore. During the Seahawks game, he ran his routes downfield and rarely even looked back to Vince for the ball. I can understand if you’re not gonna block for your running back. That has more to do with being a coward than a quitter. But now he’s not even looking for the ball. I hope he goes the way of Eric Lindross and T.O. and we just sit him there to rot for the rest of the season. Then he can be someone else’s cancer. But his little pouty face and bullshit attitude will likely cost him millions of dollars in the long run. And that is what I tell myself to sleep at night.

In other news, there is finally a white cornerback in the league for the first time since Jason Sehorn. And he’s actually a college quarterback turned wide receiver. His name is Julian Edelman and of course he plays for Bill Belichick. Because he has the ability to take unknown players and put them into the right position to help his football team be the dominant team it has been for the last decade. Which is the opposite of what the Eagles do.

Bullshit Call of the Week: I don’t watch a lot of European soccer because I have respect for myself. But what Jerome Simpson from the Bengals did last week against the Browns was Vlade Divac ridiculous. Professional wrestlers were taking notes. John Kerry called him afterwards to congratulate him. Then he rescinded his compliment. The ref did exactly what you’re taught not to do and, having only seen a small part of what happened, filled in the rest of the information in his head, thus rewarding Simpson for his Jack Nicholson class acting job. And the NFL didn’t fine him at all. That’s even more bullshitier than the ref’s original call.

Bullshit GM Move of the Week: Let’s say I invite you to make me dinner. You have a favorite spatula that you’re comfortable with so you bring it. I don’t let you in the door until 10 minutes before the guests arrive. Then I take your spatula and throw it out the window. Instead, I hand you a spork with two missing prongs and a car tire. Then I tell all my guests that our shitty dinner is your fault. Who are we? Yes, you’re Jack Del Rio and I’m Wayne Weaver. And Luke McCown is the car tire.

Teammates of the Week: I saw a highlight that showed Devin Hester back to return a punt and figured I would hear the familiar chalkboard-like shrieks of “Why does anybody punt to him” by the formulaic talking heads on SportsCenter. Instead, I saw a punt travel 80 yards IN THE AIR! Holy crap. And no, nobody was able to down it, so it only netted 60 yards. This came on the same day that Janikowski kicked 6 field goals to beat the Bears. Make fun of kickers if you want, but there’s a reason they have them in the game. And there’s a reason they’re the only two players left over from their 2003 AFC champion team.

Karmic Play of the Week: Steve Johnson caught a touchdown pass and mocked Plaxico Burress by pretending to shoot himself in his literal leg. Then he shot himself in the metaphoric foot later, costing his team the game. Karma is a pretend gun, Stevie.

Quick Inside Slant: Week Five

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Five:

Good freakin God! Can we just lose like a normal team? We gotta throw interceptions off people’s legs and shit? Sundays are supposed to be a stress relief, a break from the 6-day daily grind of the week. It is not working out that way, muchachos. Games like that one and the one we’ll probably lose to Rex Freakin Grossman this Sunday make me wish for the lockout again. Even my fantasy teams suck. Maybe I shouldn’t have named them all Vicktorious.

So this is about the point in the season when people start talking seriously about that undefeated thing. And right now there are two teams at 5-0 and the one thing I can categorically guarantee is that they will not both go undefeated the entire season. Because they play each other. Twice. And even if they want to go ahead and tie each other twice just to piss me off, they’re gonna have to finish that match in the playoffs anyway. But how realistic is this undefeated talk anyways?

Lions: Great story. Seriously. But they have to play the Packers twice. And they’ve only played one team with a winning record and that was the Bucs. And looking down the road, I can pick about 5 games that I would pick against them right now. Also, they’re one Matt Stafford injury away from being out of the playoffs. But hell, they haven’t lost a game (including pre-season) since Week 13 of last year. And that’s pretty damn good for the Patriots, let alone the Lions.

Packers: I know. They won the Superbowl, which makes them the best team in the NFL until someone else apparently wins the Superbowl. I don’t have time to point out the flaws in this methodology of thinking, but let’s take a minute to remember that they just barely got into the playoffs at 10-6 and were one DeSean Jackson punt return away from sitting on their couch watching the Giants beat the Eagles in the Wild Card round. Granted, they’re winning and healthy now and lighting up the highlight reels, but they’re not exactly in the top 10 in passing defense. Actually, they’re not even in the top 20. In fact, they’re not even in the top 29 (I really wanted to say 30. Damn you, Miami!). So eventually, they’re going to meet someone who can slow down their passing game just enough to score at least one more point than they do. Maybe.

The Colts, however, have an excellent chance of not winning a game the rest of the season.

Sportsman Play of the Week: Al Davis, the face of the Raiders for the last 50 years, died the day before their game in Houston. Houston fans came with silver and black signs commemorating his memory. The Raiders commemorated him by knocking out Houston’s best defensive player for the season and winning by accident and pretending to cry in public. Just win, baby!

Fantasy Stud of the Week: Really, the fantasy stud of the season. And it’s Wes Welker. His 740 receiving yards is more than anyone else by 131 yards and the most in a 5-game span in history. And he’s white.

Bonehead Play of the Week: Late in the first half, the Saints were driving to get into field goal range without a time out when they got tackled in bounds. The field goal unit had to try a Biathlon Field Goal* (where they have to run onto the field and then kick it real quick) as time was running out. Oh, and this was from about 50 yards. Ron Rivera, brilliant tactician that he is, called a defensive time out because he thought he had too many men on the field. Really? You couldn’t do a quick cost/benefit analysis of that situation and just give up those 5 yards one the chance that you were correct? Isn’t it nice to know that when all the pressure is on the other team, your head coach is the guy who is panicking the most?

Surprising Stat of the Week: They say the two biggest keys to victory in this league are running the ball and stopping the run. Guess who leads the league in rushing yards per game? The Eagles. And rushing yards allowed per game? The Cowboys. Suck on that factoid, stat people.

SUPER Bonehead Play of the Week: If I see Juqua Parker in the street, I’m going to yell hike. Just to see. That’s all I want to say about that.

* - For the record, I made up the term “Biathlon Field Goal.” Don’t expect to say it and have people know what you mean.

Testing Loyalties

Testing Loyalties

Lord, I understand you work in mysterious ways and far be it for me to question Your method. I understand this is just one of those times when my loyalty is being tested. But I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t question why You would allow Sir Donovan to be traded within the division. I’m not necessarily a religious man, but to me, football is a higher calling. I worship at Our Lady of the NFL every Sunday and pray to the divinity of the Quarterback, Head Coach and Left Tackle.

I am here to ask for a miracle and I know you’ve granted them before. I’ve seen your work come to life in the form of the Immaculate Reception, the Holy Roller and the Music City Miracle. I know you rarely intrude into the business of personnel trades, but I remember back in 2004 when T.O. was a Raven for like 13 hours and then somebody yelled “do-over” and then he was an Eagle. Could you please do that again? I didn’t say anything about Brian Mitchell or James Thrash or even Jeremiah Trotter. But this is testing the boundaries of my loyalty as an Eagle fan living in a Redskin world.

My loyalty, first and foremost, will always be to the Eagles franchise. I believe in their front office and trust in this business move, as painful as it is for me. But I also have an allegiance to #5, as a great guy, despite T.O., Rush Limbaugh and the growing majority of haters in Philadelphia who can’t recognize how good of a player he is because he didn’t win a Superbowl. Philadelphia fans are stupid. On WIP, more than one person volunteered to drive him out of town because they hated him, a man who won more games than everyone but Tom Brady, Brett Favre and Peyton Manning in the last 10 years. And for that ass hole and the legions of morons like him, I hope for the success of Donovan. Because I have an allegiance not only to the Eagles and #5, but also to a good story. And it’s almost worth the success of the Eagles franchise to me just to see those haters eat crow. I’m not saying that I’ll ever cheer against the greatest team in any league that there ever could be, forever and ever, Amen. But when the day comes, depending on how things play out, I know I’ll be tested. I only hope I can stay strong for You.

In preparation, I’ve decided not to eat any solid foods for the next few weeks, as I’ll likely throw up the first day I see him in that burgundy and gold uniform.

Our Fan-niversary

Our Fan-niversary

It has always been my belief that couples should not consider themselves official until they’ve endured at least one entire NFL season (two if you’re a Redskins fan because November and December don’t count). Well, as of Sunday around 10:30pm, Jen and I became an official couple. This is great news, mostly for her. Because now it means that football season is over and I have to take down all my Eagles blankets and banners and bar stools (no I don’t, but I wish I did). But it also means that we’ve endured the toughest stretch that a relationship can go through. Though being snowed in with each other for 6 straight days is proving to be an unexpectedly grueling challenge.

It didn’t always look like we were going to get here either. We started dating around playoff time last year (early January) but things didn’t get serious until I moved in sometime around draft day (mid-April). I know. I work fast. I warned her then but I don’t think she understood the magnitude of my addiction. There were some hiccups around August when pre-season games started popping up on the TV and fantasy drafts took up a couple weekends. But then the real season started. I don’t know that I saw her for the first four weeks.

See, I’m a Philly fan and before any of you say anything, I did not personally electrocute any dogs – so cut that shit out. Living down here in Redskin territory means that I have to leave the house to watch the game. I was out of the house so many Sundays in a row, Jen thought I had found religion. And that’s not an unfair parallel to draw. I would get dressed and attend every mass every Sunday afternoon at Our Lady of the NFL. We pray to the Holy Roller, the Music City Miracle and the Immaculate Reception, Amen.

And every Sunday, we had the same conversation. “I’m out at the bar… Because the game’s on… No, it’s not on at home... Yes, I know we get 8,000 channels, it’s not on any of them… No I can’t… Because there’s a game on after that and another one after that. I told you all this shit back in April – you said you’d be cool!” 17 weeks and I think we had a similar conversation at least 13 times and she was in the Ghaza Strip for 3 weeks.

Then she’d ask why we couldn’t do anything Monday if the Phillies already played. And yes, she called them the Phillies more than once. And guys, why do we have to watch the Monday Night games, even when it’s Cleveland and Oakland? Because we have Zach Miller on our fantasy team and we still need 8 points to win our matchup. That was the part that almost got the locks changed.

But we shot the gauntlet and made it through. So many other couples have failed. Not us. But it wasn’t easy. Getting grilled on politics and religion by her father the day we met was a cakewalk compared to these last 5 months. So congrats to us. Now that we’ve officially made it, she’s saying something about a ring. I assume she was talking about the Superbowl. I know. She’s great.

Oh, and ladies. If you’re one of those gals who thinks that your relationship is fine because your boyfriend doesn’t like football, well then he’s gay. And isn’t this a shitty way to find out.


Still Standing Right Here...

QOTD credits: Kevin Hershey – (Fanniversary, see comments below)

Clearance from God

Clearance from God

OK boys and girls, put on your game face. It's time. Is TO gonna play or not? You wanna know the truth? I don't give a fuck. Maybe it's because it's all I've been hearing about for the last two weeks. The Eagles are finally in the Superbowl for the first time since I was 5 and I have actually found myself turning off Sportscenter because I'm so sick of the Terrell Owens ankle updates. It seems to be all anybody asks me about the game too. If you haven't been paying attention, he's coming back from his injury 3 weeks early because God cleared him to play. Though if he does score, I can't wait to see what he'll do. I think he should just give the ball to the ref and walk back to the sidelines. It will be the most talked about celebration this year. And the camera will stay stuck on him for half an hour. Actually, I would like to see him run over and raise the PAT net himself. That would make his return worth it. But the real game takes place before the game even starts. You can bet on anything in the superbowl. Even the coin toss. This is how I will make my millions. There is something called a two-team parlay in sports betting. You bet that two things will happen and if they both happen, you get paid decent money. Something like 13:5. So if you put up $5 that the Eagles will cover and the score will go over the over/under (if you're lost, don't worry - it gets easier), you get 13 dollars if both things happen. OK, so put down $5 that the Eagles will win the toss and the Eagles will get the ball first. If you're right, you get $13. Then put up $5 that the Patriots will win the toss and the Patriots will get the ball first. If this happens, you get $13. So you'll lose $5 if you choose both of these, but you'll get $13 as long as whoever wind the toss elects to receive the ball. This happened in every Eagles game and every Patriots game this season. So for every $5 you put up, you win $8. Just so the bookie doesn't catch on, place these bets with two different bookies. It's a lock. In fact, it's more like an investment than a bet. And that's what I'm asking from you. Only $500 and you can get in on the ground floor. Now I just need to find two different bookies who will take a bet from somebody who's never placed a bet before. And I'm going to be the one getting my legs broken if the deal goes sour. Well, this is how I'm going to make my millions next year.

I fucked up my ankle again. Not as bad as it's ever been, but enough to sideline me from my lunchtime Tue/Thu old man basketball games. So one of the guys asked me if I'd be able to play next week...

Quote of the Day 2/6/05

"Well, all you need is God to clear you."

-Geoff


Unfortunately, my HMO won't send him my MRI.

Flyin like an Eagle,

Dustin McNabb.


Still Standing Right Here...

EagLLLes

EagLLLes

Alright everybody. Tomorrow is the big day. The day that will shape my attitude for the rest of the year and determine whether or not I sink into a two month bender and wind up in the gutter on the streets of Dundalk somewhere. It's the NFC championship game. And in case you don't follow football, the Eagles will be in it for the fourth year in a row. They lost the last three. I need them to win not as much because I am a fan, but because everybody knows I'm a fan, and there's nothing these Redskins fans at work like more than to tease me about those 3 lost championship games. Nevermind that their team hasn't had a winning season since the 90s. They try to rub in that superbowl they won back in the stone ages where everybody was beating up the Bills. What is the statute of limitations on that anyway? But even more than that, they thrive when the Eagles choke in the NFC championship every year. I can't go to work. Cause they know. They already started printing a shirt with Eagles spelled "EagLLLLes" that Geoff is going to buy for me if they lose again (the four Ls for the four losses - for my slower audience out there). And in the last three years, I think I figured out why there's two weeks between the championship games and the Superbowl. See, the programmers want everybody to watch the Superbowl. And everytime after that damn game, I don't feel like watching football for at least another two weeks. So for the peace and mind of an entire city who has made their temperament known to the sports world, root for the Eagles. To win. Not to lose. And I know some of you out there are jerks and you just thrive on other people's misery, and that's fine. I promise you some juicy stuff about my dating life will follow next week. Just get this damn monkey off our back. Besides, TO will be coming back for the Superbowl if we make it. And wouldn't it be cool to see his next celebration? I think he should raise the PAT net himself. That would be funny. I don't think anybody's done that one yet.

Meanwhile, the Saturday Morning Hero League continues... We go play football on Saturday mornings and go to a bar afterwards. This year, the owner/coach/manager/quarterback of the team decided to replace himself at QB after three seasons with a combined record of somewhere around 7-23. The new guy goes on to look better and get us a pretty decent win. At the bar afterwards, here's what our new fullback had to say...

Quote of the Day 1/17/05

"I finally figured out why I'm not a good quarterback. Because I'm not a quarterback."

-Bowman


Well, I'd been telling him that for years. It's about time somebody started telling it to Chris Redman.

Prying the monkey off the eagle,

Dustin McNabb.


Still Standing Right Here...

Achilles and the Ravioli

Achilles and the Ravioli

I have reached a certain apex of self-pity. I hope. If it's still going up, I'm gonna have to blow my whole paycheck on new shoes and hot fudge sundaes just to get through the weekend. Just after my surgery, my mom took me up to PA to mother me in my time of need. I was actually kinda upset she was taking me away from my digital cable, MarioKart, cable modem and air conditioned apartment with a bed to go all the way back home for a week, but she's my mom and I love her, so I let her. She brought me food, played games with me and got me stuff when I asked. There were spans of probably 24 hours when I literally didn't leave the couch. It was necessary to recover, but boy was I glad to be back to the life of luxury again. That is, until I found myself crawling across the livingroom floor on my stomach with a plate of ravioli and a glass of milk. Even if nobody's around, it's a pretty humiliating and humbling experience.

People are asking me if I feel like I'll be OK to play volleyball next semester. That would be cool, but right now, I'm just looking forward to being able to get a glass of water into my bedroom without it being such a project. To be able to go down a flight of stairs without getting really nervous. To be able to try to finally get out of the occasional parallel park job on a level road. And the surgeon told me I'd be able to start walking on it with my brace on in the next few days. This chick is full of crap! She must have no idea what kind of pain I'm in. I don't think she knows what she's doing. She probably tied a bungee cord between my foot and calf muscle. Shit, I don't know. Stretch! That's all I got to say.

Well, I was trying to help out Good Joe with his fantasy football team this year, because he's been busy making cars and money and mud for the past few months. I told him that this guy named David Akers from the Eagles was a good pick because he was the cheapest starting kicker in the league and you don't want to go wasting your money on a good kicker because they hardly get you any points anyway. His response was something along the lines of "yeah, but do you think the Eagles are ever gonna get the ball past midfield..."

Quote of the Day 8/31/00

"In fact, can we pick punters."

-Good Pele


Trust me. It's funny to fantasy football people. A little.

Don't call me gimpy,

Gimpy.


Still Stranded Right Here...