Life or Something Like It

Life or Something Like It

HEY! Anybody out there hear that new life was just discovered by NASA last week? No, I’m not kidding. I know the prince just got married or engaged or laid or something and I can understand how that was more important than disproving the existence of a God in our Perez Hilton-run culture. But hear me out real quick:

Evolution is a proven theory, regardless of what the radical right says. Mutations (the creature adaptation kind, not the Toxic Avenger kind) and cell division are easy enough to see and understand. Every new scientific discovery was able to be explained away by the rapidly-adapting creationist theory almost laughably, like an only child trying to explain how the cat got spray-painted in the face of all the evidence against him. The problem for science was always explaining how the first cell formed. They used Chaos Theory as a base and said on a long enough timeline that life just randomly happened in the cooking primordial ooze. This weak concept was religion’s chance to laugh back.

Until Friday.

This discovery doesn’t necessarily explain away God. He certainly could be the creator of both of these paths of life. But it does prove that life can be – and in fact was (pending more investigation, I assume) – born on its own in primordial ooze. I know this wasn’t from outer space and doesn’t talk, but I don’t think the greater public appreciates this discovery as much as they should. And in a world where the marriage of a prince to some random chick is that much more important than the discovery of an arsenic-based life form in California, I understand why some people don’t believe in evolution.

The True Meaning of Giftmas: The 12th Day of Giftmas 2009

The True Meaning of Giftmas: The 12th Day of Giftmas 2009

So what the heck is the true meaning of Giftmas? Well, it’s a lot easier than the true meaning of Christmas, and certainly a lot easier than the true meaning of Moby Dick, which, according to the Cliff Notes I still have from high school, has nothing to do with a whale.

I remember being told as a child in Sunday School never to write out “Xmas” because it took the Christ out of Christmas. That makes a lot of sense. I wouldn’t want to take the meaningful words out of things that I care about and replace them with an “X.” X and Meatballs; X Me Tender; X History X. But I think too many non-religious folk are celebrating “Christmas” as a default holiday. You don’t see non-religious people celebrating Hanukkah or Kwanza. Or Good Friday. Or Pentecost Sunday. And yet, come late December, they don’t want to be left on the outside of the giving and receiving party that everyone else is invited to. So for those of us who forget to say the work-approved “Happy Holidays,” “Merry Christmas” is usually a decent bet.

Thanks to malls, Grandmas and guilt, Christmas has completely become a materialistic holiday, likely not what Jesus had intended when he was born on December 25th. Or January 6th. Or November 17th. This is fine because it’s fun. But let’s call a spade a spade. What Christmas really is is an outreach program for Christianity and Coca-Cola. First, let me explain the Coke part. See, there always was a Santa Claus – well, not always – but he’s been around for a while. But in the 1930s, Coke printed the image of the jolly fat man in the red and white suit drinking a coke and that’s become our picture of Santa Claus ever since. Probably even a better marketing tool than that whole Coca-Cola Original where they got 4 months of free advertising for their 4 new products simply by getting sued by Pepsi. And around this time of year, our image of Santa certainly pays dividends for the Coca-Cola Corporation.

Christmas is not all that different. What is really going on with Christmas is that people who have no religious affiliation, or at least no belief in the Christian faith, come out of the woodwork to participate in such a fun tradition. They’re pretending. And that’s fine because the Christians are all doing the same thing. They’ve got this awesome holiday that serves as a great marketing tool for their religion, and around that time of year, they like to think that all people wearing red and green are really Christians. It boosts their numbers, which is great for those all-important 4th quarter statistics. Just before the turn of the Fiscal year, when the boss is about to have to face a serious decline in membership numbers for his product for the year, He has a huge recruitment program which gets Him into the black just in time. So He can continue to operate within the same relative budget for the following year and won’t have to lay anyone off – which is huge because we all know what happened last time He had to lay somebody off. And just like in every job, those numbers aren’t real. They’re inflated for the sake of getting more funding and covering everyone’s ass. So now all the churches can get new organs and tetherball sets and the Pope can keep arbitrators from coming in. And as long as both sides are happy to play along for their own justifiable yet artificial reasons, Christianity will still boast 78% of the American population. And why not? Belief is a tough thing to prove or disprove even in one’s own head, which adds a degree of plausible deniability for both sides and makes it even easier to justify. But personally, just as I was told in Sunday School that you shouldn’t take the Christ out of Christmas, you also shouldn’t put it in. So a Merry Giftmas to all and to all a good night.

REL 100: Remedial Religion

REL 100: Remedial Religion

So I celebrate Christmas, but I know not everybody does. And I'm really glad I do mostly because I don't understand how Judaism works. Sure, Chanukah sounds cool when you're a kid and you get jealous of your Jewish friends that get 8 presents when you only get that cardboard drum with the Quaker on it. But you'd have to convert to a whole other religion to do that. And that's a lot of work. You'd have to learn how to read backwards and wear the part of a hat that they cut out to make visors. And lots of other stuff like that. But Judaism is more than just a religion. It's a culture and it's almost like a race. How can you be half Jewish? What's the other half? If possible, I'd like to be half Jewish and half Christian to cover my ass, if that's an option. But then you get people that convert to Judaism with no background in it at all. I think. I should put up a disclaimer now that all of my information about the Jewish heritage comes from "The Hanukkah Song" by Adam Sandler. And off topic, I think it would have been funnier if the song was by Chaka Khan (get it, Chanukkah by Chaka Khan?). I'm sure there's a better joke in there somewhere, but I'm tired.

So anyway, these people that convert aren't really Jewish at all to begin with. I still don't quite get it. Can you decide to be part of the culture, but not the religion? Or vice versa? And can you just be Jewish when you need to get off for random holidays like Rosh Hashanikuh? But it's not like Christmas is any better. It's a religious holiday you don't even need to be religious to celebrate. You think all those people that celebrate Christmas are Christians, well you musta just fell off the Gullible Wagon. It's the default holiday. And somewhere along the line, they even took the Christ out of Christmas and replaced it with an X. Like you do in algebra. It's the age old science vs religion debate playing out under our noses on one of the most sacred (or secular) days of the year and we never even knew it! Those secret society masons are clever. And like all Christian holidays, it has a completely unrelated figure to make it more fun for kids. As a kid, I actually questioned what the heck this fat bearded old man had to do with the birth of Jesus Christ, our Savior. And why is New Years a whole week later, if that's supposed to be based on the birth of Christ (you know, BC and AD)? I'm sure somebody's got an answer to that. And I don't have time to get into Easter just now, but it took me a while to come to the realization that rabbits don't even have eggs. Why are they both synonymous with Easter? But hey, it (Christmas) is still the greatest holiday, no matter where your personal Christmas (or Hannukah) comes from. So who am I to ruin it with all this speculation? I'll ruin it in many other ways. :) And who the hell came up with Quanza? Like we don't have enough to try to figure out with these two wacky holidays. And I need to ask a favor of all of my friends. There's nothing I hate more during the holiday season than getting stressed out over buying gifts and making sure I don't offend anybody. So I've decided I'm not getting stressed out about it. I have also however, jam packed my calendar full with crap to do from now until the big day. And I haven't really started my Christmas shopping yet. Which also means I haven't finished it yet. It seems like this goes on almost every year, but this year is a lot worse. So I'll need you good friends of mine to bite the bullet on this one. Here's a conversation I could have had with Tony at his Christmas party this year:

Me: "Hey Tony. Sorry, but your present hasn't come in the mail yet."
Tony: "Don't worry about it."
Me: "Actually, I haven't even ordered it yet."
Tony: "..."
Me: "Well, to be honest, I haven't even figured out what I'm gonna get you yet."

I'm scheduling a special Dustin Christmas for sometime around Presidents Day. I don't think we'll all be getting together like we would on Christmas, but I think the deadline will help. And the extra added surprise will make it all the more special. Some of you may recognize this theory as the same one I use for Valentines Day. I've actually been applying this to all aspects of my life for years, I've just been playing along for the holidays for the last 11 years. Anyway, I'm out of time to be creative, so you may all get the same thing this year. And chances are it will be a UMBC day camp T-shirt, but that will really just be a proxy until the real holiday. President's Day.

Coming back from a football game, a few of us were in the car and this squirrel jumped out in front of the car. He ran halfway across the street, and cut back really quick, then doubled back and I didn't know what to do to help, so I just drove straight and somehow the little guy went underneath the car and came out the other side unscathed and running to the other side of the road...

Quote of the Day 12/20/04

"Did you see the moves on him? He's like the Dante Hall of squirrels."

-B Ferg


The Priest Holmes of squirrels was still sitting on the other curb in street clothes.

The Dante Hall of internet humor,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...