National Dress Like a Slut Day

National Dress Like a Slut Day

I love Halloween. Especially in this town. And I think at least 85% of you know why. And no, it's not for the candy corn. That stuff sucks. Well, at least the white and orange parts suck. I'll eat the yellow part off the bottom, but that just seems rude. If there's anybody out there that only likes the top half, let me know. We can hang out tomorrow.

Sorry, got off track again. So yeah, it's not because of the mouth candy, but because of the eye candy. It's the one day of the year that it's socially acceptable to dress like a complete slut. It's really not, but I'm not going to be the one to tell them. Why ruin all my fun? And it is just laughable how they justify it by pretending it's something else. Really short black skirt and low cut dress that shows half your boobs? Wait, there's a tail and some black ears. Oh, you're a cat! Nice. You can come sit on my lap anytime. Same outfit in white showing off some of your actual ass every time you turn around. Oh, it's got a red cross on it. You're a nurse! Sweet. I'm ready for my sponge bath. An elastic headband worn as a skirt and a shirt tied in a knot in the front so everyone can see the tramp stamp on the small of your back? And boots up to your knee? And you have a gun? Oh, a cop! Sure, what the hell? Feel free to have a drink of my milk if you want (Sorry, still thinking about the kitty).

So that's the best part of Halloween. The other equally best part of Halloween is that I get to pretend to be somebody else. Somebody cool. And I get to wear eye shadow. I've started to become Captain Jack Sparrow. I just wish there were more opportunities in the year to dress up and act like a pirate. Actually, you don't act like a pirate so much as an alcoholic. And I guess I act like that enough days of the year (mom, I'm kidding. And I'm sleeping well too – they're just jokes).

So the following is a conversation that occurred this past Friday at a costume party. I had the Jack Sparrow outfit in full effect and the rum was nearing its end, which means less Dustin and more Jack. So anyway, it was brought to my attention that I needed a tattoo of a sparrow on my wrist to complete the ensemble. I asked out loud if anyone in the room was an artist…

Quote of the Day 10/30/06

Me: "Is anyone in here an artist?"
Kari: "I can draw."
Me: "Cool. Can you draw a sparrow on my wrist?"
Kari: "What does a sparrow look like?"
Some unidentified girl from the room: "She's going to draw a penis."
Me: "No, just draw any bird really and we'll pretend it's a sparrow."
Kari drew a penis on my wrist.
Me: "Well, at least give it wings."

I then had a penis with wings on my wrist.

I know why the rum's gone,

Captain Dick Sparrow.


Still Standing Right Here…

Immune System vs Poor Judgment

Immune System vs Poor Judgment

So I'm sorry to the few of you (including my mom and sister who was about ready to drive down to Baltimore to pick me up) who I may have misled, but this go-around is just a Baltimore thing. And I'm actually going to be there for a decent amount of time. As I said before, I'm flying back in for Big Ferg's wedding on Friday and there's also gonna be a Rock Star party on Saturday, but the rest is all up in the air as of now. Including how I'm getting back from the airport this Wednesday and where "back from the airport" is. So far the only ride offer I've gotten has been from Ferg, who is getting married two days later. That is a damn good friend right there. I also have a ride offer from Tom if I agree to give up Laverneous Coles for Lawrence Maroney, and I'm not kidding. So if anybody wants to do anything Wednesday night, starting approximately 5:57pm EST not counting delays, I'm game.

Anyway, I need to make this short because I'm tired as hell from not sleeping this entire weekend. This weekend was like a constant battle between my Immune System and my Poor Judgment. Bill's pullover and fleece: advantage Immune System. Deciding to sleep out under the stars instead of pitching a tent: advantage back to my Poor Judgment. Liner and temperature-proven sleeping bag: advantage Immune System. Drinking about 10 beers just before bed: HUGE advantage Poor Judgment. This battle is definitely not over. I'm curious to see how it plays out. It looked as if my Immune System was going to squeeze out a victory. Then I decided to play soccer today in the cold rain with shorts on after sleeping about 6 hours in three nights. And I don't know that you can even call that sleep. I don't even think I sleep at all anymore. There are just a few parts of the night where I don't pay as much attention as I normally do. But anyway, I'm determined to go to this wedding with hypothermia. I'll show that Immune System just how much stronger a team my Poor Judgment is. It won't see what hit it. OK, I gotta go. I may not sleep until I get there Wednesday at this rate.

Quote of the Day 10/16/06

Me: "Dude, don't worry about me getting cold [out on the river]. I actually repel water."
Justin: "Yeah, when he jumps in water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Dustined."


Justin doesn't want too much credit for this one because he thinks he stole it. I don't care once again cause I'm still tired. I just sent this out because I still need a ride and a place to go.

Raging against the white blood cells,

Poor Judgment Man.


Still Standing Right Here…

Frozen Rapids

Frozen Rapids

I'm coming back east! That's right. Get prepared. Hide your children and your liquor and your little sisters (yeah, I went there). Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to talk about it now, but I'm coming in Wednesday night around 6pm (anybody want to give me a ride somewhere?) and I'll be here through the following Tuesday morning (ride back?). I'll be carless (anybody want to be my chauffer? Lend me a car?), but I'll have a lot of time.

I have a bad habit of scheduling these trips home months ahead of time and forgetting to tell anyone about them until I actually get to town. This is me not doing that. I'll tell ya more later and I'll see you all soon. But I have to run now to go freeze my ass off on some class 4 rapids. I have scheduled time to complain about that early next week.

Quote of the Day 10/13/06

Me: "How do they measure the class of rapids that a river is?"
Tony: "Number of deaths."


Yeah, I think I already used it, but it's funny and like I said, I'm under time constraints.

Catcha later, e-mail dudes,

Freezing Cricket.



Still Standing Right Here…

I Do... Eventually

I Do... Eventually

So there are a lot of people getting engaged right now. I don't think I'm going to get any vacations this year, just a ride around a massive wedding carousel. Among the 6 that I already have on my plate are my sister and my best friend Joe from high school. Now, I'm pickled as punch about my sis and J-Me, but I need to talk about Joe's impending doom for a sec, because it may affect more than just he and Becky.

See, the Four Horsemen (Kev, Mike, Joe and I) all kinda predicted the order in which we'd all get married after high school. And there was a very clear sequence in which this was supposed to happen. Kevin, Mike, me and then Joe. Kevin got married and that's all I'll say. The rest of us are still in the wading pool trying to figure out how to get to the deep end. Apparently Joe found a map. Or was given a map. Or got horse collared and drug to the deep end. I'm still not sure how it all went down. Anyway, this sacred event isn't happening until next September thankfully. This means that Mike has to hurry up and get his ass through the intersection so I can squeeze my bumper over the crosswalk before the damn light changes. At least he's got the head start of a girlfriend. I don't know that I've been on what could be considered a date since maybe March. I don't think people date in this town (please refer to my Brick Street rant if you want further clarification, that's not what I'm here to talk about right now). So I've got some work to do. Look out world! I have a five dollar bet I made 27 years ago to force to come true…

Quote of the Day 10/9/06

"Do you want me to invite you to my wedding or do you just want to crash it?"

- The Future Mr. Becky Titlow


I kinda want to crash it to be honest. But I still want to have food and a place to sit. So I just won't send my invitation back in. See Ferg, you're not the only one.

Crashing and burning,

Big Fish.



Still Standing Right Here…

Owen Wilson Wannabe

Owen Wilson Wannabe

So I've taken up the hobby of crashing weddings. It's not the lavish life that Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn lead exactly. They make it look easy. I also think they kinda ruined it for me before my career really got started. Because now when people hear that I'm crashing a wedding, they get that bedroom montage sequence stuck in their head and my game is shot. Just like how after Quick Change came out, you couldn't rob a bank dressed up like a clown anymore.

Anyway, so this wedding was only really a half-crash. Not like the full on crash that Bill and I pulled off last year. Jihna and Adam are actually friends of mine. And they knew I was coming. In fact, I crashed at their place the night before and night of the wedding. I think I just like to crash things. Nobody should probably ever get in a car with me. So Ian and Erin were both invited to the wedding and Erin couldn't make it. Ian thought I could just take Erin's invitation since the wedding was just down the road in Columbus. I tried to tell him that wedding invitations aren't like tickets to the O's game that you can just scalp to anybody you want to. But apparently I'm wrong and he was right. There's a first for everything. (Face!)

So I've found my niche at these functions. I'm the girlfriend sitter. I think it's because I like to dance and traditionally guys do not, but girls do. So if there is a couple out there and the guy knows me well enough, I can dance with his girlfriend. This is kinda what happened at this most recent wedding half-crash. So now my new approach is to find a hot chick and go hit on her boyfriend during dinner. That way he trusts me enough to dance with her when that part rolls around. Unfortunately, this will not lead to the bedroom montage sequence later on. At least not for me. I think I found a flaw in my problem. Fortunately, I'll have the opportunity to work on this like 23 times in the next year, starting with Ferg's in two weeks. He and Nina are engaged right now but he refuses to call her his fiancée…

Quote of the Day 10/8/06

"That's the French F word."

- The Future Mr. Nina Fergus.


Rant to quote correlation: Very High.

Crashing into my bed,

D Rec.

Still Standing Right Here...

Karaoke & Tramp Stamps

Karaoke & Tramp Stamps

Yes Sis Fish (my actual sister), there was a time in which the quote rant was a lead-in to the quote quote. And no, the giggle blink girl had nothing to do with the guy who hurt his ankle. I could make something up and I think I will from now on just to create a segue of continuity, but you are correct. I have too much to tell all of you and I don't want to be handcuffed to whatever I deem funny enough to be the quote of the day. I actually don't want to be handcuffed to anything other than Jessica Simpson's nightstand. And even then, I don't know that I'd enjoy it. She'd probably only be doing it to restrain me. Probably because I'd have broken in there. (I just reread this joke and don't like it, but also don't want to go back and type anything else)

Speaking of Jessica Simpson, I actually broke my promise of never going back to Brick Street. A buddy came back into town and he wanted to go uptown. By 12:30, Steinkellers was down to their last staff member, Skippers and 45 East were closed and Balcony was on fire again (that's a lie). So anyway, we wound up at Brick Street. But it was different this time. It was apparently karaoke night. And there was this hot chick up there doing a heck of a Dusty Springfield. Turns out I actually knew who she was. I talked to her and found out that there was a $100 prize that night. So I figured what the hell. I've make an ass out of myself many times before for free, why not do it to the tune of a possible C-note (that's what us gangstas call a hundred bucks). And so I got up there and screamed a shitty ass version of Keep Your Hands to Yourself and during the instrumental part, I did the jump split thing made popular in Ferg's and Milkman's apartment back in college. Picture Footloose at Aaron's wedding without Big Mike throwing me all over creation. So at the end of the night, it turns out I caught one of the judge's eyes (the guy, go figure) and actually won the main prize. Sadly enough, that is more than I made the entire day of work when I calculated it out. And thus, I have decided to give up my dream to be the best wiffleball tournament commissioner ever and tour the country going to bars doing good enough renditions of Georgia Satellites greatest hits. At least until my groin gives out mid-split. But for the moment, I am the King of Karaoke Night at Brick Street. Which happens to be the bar that most closely represents my personal seventh circle of Dante's hell. To be surrounded by hot young tattooed foxes and me without my snappy snare.

Speaking of tattooed chicks (how you like that, Actual Sis?), I got into the conversation with a few friends about a month ago talking about girls that have a tattoo on the small of their spine. Sure, we all heard Vince Vaughn say that it might as well be a bulls eye in Wedding Crashers (which will actually segue into my next message), but I just found out that they are also called "tramp stamps." It's not a flattering name, but I don't think it was intended to be. And so, I made a joke to the effect of "well, no wonder all my exes have them" which is barely funny and also a complete lie. But it begat this, which was worth the self degradation…

Quote of the Day 10/2/06

"I didn't think you were allowed to get tattoos until you were 18."

-E Hersh


That is what we in the business call a "cherry." It completes the joke sequence. Nothing can possibly go on top of the sundae after you put the cherry on it. And if any of our group of friends ruined that joke by trying to piggyback on it or "rejoke," we are required to squirt them with hot fudge and kick them in the chopped nuts.


Still Standing Right Here...

No I didn't take you off the QOTD list

No I didn't take you off the quote of the day list (aka, quote of the day 10/1/06)

Anybody out there see a week just wandering around lost? Because I seem to have lost a few of them.

Well, the dust has settled, but the smoke hasn't quite cleared yet. And the thought of using this mixed metaphor has led to an internal philosophical debate about whether dust would settle or smoke would clear first. This topic has been tabled for our next discussion. Among some other topics I will be covering in the upcoming month are as follows:

• The wedding I half crashed a few weeks ago
  
• My mom's first beer pong game
  
• The season 2 debut of Grey's Anatomy is NOT a National Holiday
  
• Back to Brick Street
  
• The new facebook stalking capabilities
  
• Does anybody on this list actually waste their time watching Deal Or No Deal?
• I am the world's greatest wing man
  
• My financial house arrest
  
• Setting Balcony on fire

So I recently met this girl we call the "Giggle Blink" girl. I didn't know what they were talking about until I met her, but it has since become abundantly clear. This girl only has two mental states. She's either giggling or blinking. She'll giggle and then immediately stop and her face will go blank and then she'll just blink. The giggling will start again and it will disappear and she'll go back to the blank face blink. She's very binary. But I don't think she'd know what that meant. I could tell her that and she'd probably just giggle. Or blink. But I can guarantee it probably wouldn't result in a conversation. However, she is pretty hot so I'll probably see her again.

Quote of the Day 10/1/06

Me: After a badly twisted ankle out on the soccer fields: "Do you have any feeling in your ankle yet?"
Guy: "Yeah. Pain."

It's not the best ever, but it's late and tonight is my night to sleep

Back for better or worse,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...