A Christmas Mulligan

A Christmas Mulligan

We all get one, right? I’m using mine this year. I shanked this Christmas so far out of bounds, I couldn’t even find it with those specialized glasses designed to block out everything except Christmas. Shit, I’m just getting around to sending this out now and it’s already New Years Eve.

See, you know that moment when you first realize that Christmas is coming? Well, mine didn’t happen until my Christmas Eve family party. I shot the gauntlet through two holiday parties without really getting into the spirit. I did the minimum required to not piss anybody off this year, which is a crappy thing to have to admit, but I did. I didn’t, however, get to do anything fun like I did the last couple years with the demotivational desktoppers or the wooden signs. And nothing has gotten mailed out yet. Sorry, old friends and Nana.

But that’s why we all get a mulligan. Maybe next year I won’t be planning a wedding, teaching a class, taking a class, rehearsing for a major show, house shopping and preparing for a trial. Or else I’m gonna need to find a new list of excuses. Thankfully there’s always football season. In the meantime, I hope you all had a Merry Christmas (sacred or secular) without me and I’ll get you back next year with another golf metaphor.

The True Meaning of Giftmas: The 12th Day of Giftmas 2009

The True Meaning of Giftmas: The 12th Day of Giftmas 2009

So what the heck is the true meaning of Giftmas? Well, it’s a lot easier than the true meaning of Christmas, and certainly a lot easier than the true meaning of Moby Dick, which, according to the Cliff Notes I still have from high school, has nothing to do with a whale.

I remember being told as a child in Sunday School never to write out “Xmas” because it took the Christ out of Christmas. That makes a lot of sense. I wouldn’t want to take the meaningful words out of things that I care about and replace them with an “X.” X and Meatballs; X Me Tender; X History X. But I think too many non-religious folk are celebrating “Christmas” as a default holiday. You don’t see non-religious people celebrating Hanukkah or Kwanza. Or Good Friday. Or Pentecost Sunday. And yet, come late December, they don’t want to be left on the outside of the giving and receiving party that everyone else is invited to. So for those of us who forget to say the work-approved “Happy Holidays,” “Merry Christmas” is usually a decent bet.

Thanks to malls, Grandmas and guilt, Christmas has completely become a materialistic holiday, likely not what Jesus had intended when he was born on December 25th. Or January 6th. Or November 17th. This is fine because it’s fun. But let’s call a spade a spade. What Christmas really is is an outreach program for Christianity and Coca-Cola. First, let me explain the Coke part. See, there always was a Santa Claus – well, not always – but he’s been around for a while. But in the 1930s, Coke printed the image of the jolly fat man in the red and white suit drinking a coke and that’s become our picture of Santa Claus ever since. Probably even a better marketing tool than that whole Coca-Cola Original where they got 4 months of free advertising for their 4 new products simply by getting sued by Pepsi. And around this time of year, our image of Santa certainly pays dividends for the Coca-Cola Corporation.

Christmas is not all that different. What is really going on with Christmas is that people who have no religious affiliation, or at least no belief in the Christian faith, come out of the woodwork to participate in such a fun tradition. They’re pretending. And that’s fine because the Christians are all doing the same thing. They’ve got this awesome holiday that serves as a great marketing tool for their religion, and around that time of year, they like to think that all people wearing red and green are really Christians. It boosts their numbers, which is great for those all-important 4th quarter statistics. Just before the turn of the Fiscal year, when the boss is about to have to face a serious decline in membership numbers for his product for the year, He has a huge recruitment program which gets Him into the black just in time. So He can continue to operate within the same relative budget for the following year and won’t have to lay anyone off – which is huge because we all know what happened last time He had to lay somebody off. And just like in every job, those numbers aren’t real. They’re inflated for the sake of getting more funding and covering everyone’s ass. So now all the churches can get new organs and tetherball sets and the Pope can keep arbitrators from coming in. And as long as both sides are happy to play along for their own justifiable yet artificial reasons, Christianity will still boast 78% of the American population. And why not? Belief is a tough thing to prove or disprove even in one’s own head, which adds a degree of plausible deniability for both sides and makes it even easier to justify. But personally, just as I was told in Sunday School that you shouldn’t take the Christ out of Christmas, you also shouldn’t put it in. So a Merry Giftmas to all and to all a good night.

C is For Cookie: The 3rd Day of Giftmas 2009

C is For Cookie: The 3rd Day of Giftmas 2009

This batch of cookies that I made for my class in an effort to bribe, err… thank them – wasn’t my first. Nor my best. Nor were they even really mine. How much ownership am I allowed to take for opening a batch of cookie dough and heating it up in the oven? I was merely a vessel for Tollhouse to get their cookies to my class. They deserve any positive evaluations that I get as a result. I’ll make sure to put that in my end of the year report.

Anyway, I first brought my cookies to the UB campus last December in an inadvertent cookie-baking contest between me and the Dean of Students. In an evite, I declined entering the chili cook-off but I would happily join (create) a cookie-baking contest. It was innocent enough to start. It was really just my way of bowing out of the chili contest and letting the party know I wasn’t just free-loading free chili. Well, then the trash talking started. And apparently, Kathy (the aforementioned Dean of Students) can bake some nasty borderline-addictive Christmas Cookies. Oops. Too late to back out now. Coworkers heard of this and started to talk trash on her behalf. “Your cookies better have crack cocaine in them if you want them to have a chance.” Well, they did not. In fact, my special “Christmas Cookies” had exactly whatever Nestle told me they should have and in those exact proportions. I just put red & green M&Ms in them so I could call them “Christmas Cookies.”

Not only were my Christmas Cookies outmatched and unoriginal, but they also weren’t even really Christmas Cookies, according to one co-worker…

The 3rd Day of Giftmas 2009

“Putting M&Ms in your cookies doesn’t make them Christmas Cookies, it makes them Pedophile Cookies.”

- John Chapin

We all celebrate in our own way.

Sticking to the original recipe,

Doughboy.


Still Standing Right Here…

The 9th Day of Quotemas 2006

Fashion Nonsense

I know Christmas or whichever equivalent holiday that you celebrate, whether it’s a made up one or not, is a distant memory by now and you’ve either gone back to work or school or if you’re lucky, neither. But I still have a few holiday-related stories to share, and for those of you that don’t know, I like to live in the past. I was born two weeks late and I really never caught up. Oh, and I apparently am taking the night off of sleep. I’m getting back into this incredibly annoying, however productive habit of sleeping every other night. This is evidently the one where I don’t sleep.

My Aunt Karen got wind of the fact that I was looking for clothes this year that would make me look cool. It looks like at least somebody on this list reads the text body. It’s cool. I know most of you don’t. I love having conversations like the one I had with Leah about how I went a whole year without drinking soda.

“You’re on the quote of the day list, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t read the damn thing at all, do you?”
“Well, it’s not…” – Don’t bother, I know how that sentence ends.

Boy, this message lost its focus a while back. If this is the first one you’ve read in a while, I swear they get better. So Aunt Karen made it a mission of some sort to find clothes that would make me look cool. This would prove to be a learning experience for her. She at least had the benefit of low expectations as far as her fashion sense. I have no real excuse. She could and did walk up to random young people who I assume she thought looked hip enough (which is a subplot I may get into later) and asked them what people about 4-7 years younger than me wore these days. She was hit with a barrage of rules and guidelines that I really wish she had written down. Ripped and worn clothes are in. Let them see the shirts you’re wearing underneath your shirt. Nothing with seams. Wear long underwear on under your other clothes. She basically described Bill’s wardrobe. If I’m gonna hang out with him and wear the same exact clothes, I’m gonna need to hit the gym everyday for the next 4 months. Speaking of which, she asked this guy to try some of this stuff on since he looked approximately like my size. After seeing his abs, she asked him to try on some more stuff and used him as a kind of personal model for as long as she could. I’m going to try to use that strategy next year when shopping for lingerie. And bath soaps. So Aunt Karen started to attract crowds of people all trying their hardest to find clothes for this wannabe hip guy they never met. I don’t even know if these people worked at the store. It was great to hear about the Christmas spirit that manifested itself in the desperate attempts of a college graduate to fit in with the cool crowd. And God forbid I try to take this stuff back and these people actually meet me. “Oh, this guy? How about a Phil Collins shirt and a pastel colored blazer?” Well, my aunt stepped away from her posse for a moment to check with my sister about something…

The 9th Day of Quotemas 2006

“I’m here in… Aerospace.”

-Aunt Karen.

I think she meant Aeropostle, but I’m sure it seemed the same at the time.

Finally cool,

Seamless in Cincinatti.

Still Standing Right Here…

The 8th Day of Quotemas

Crocs of Crap

About a year ago, I was at our national conference for intramurals (a 4-day binge of networking, alcohol and exercise equipment) when I saw these stupid ass shoes. This guy in a relatively important position with khakis and a polo shirt on was wearing these rubber things on his feet that had holes all through them. Like Swiss shoes. You may now know what I’m describing are called “Crocs.” As my colleague Debi said back then, “They better be comfortable because they look ridiculous.” And she couldn’t have been more correct. I was amazed that these shoes were trying to be taken seriously by this man. We were not on the beach or trying to cross a creek or anything. Later on, I started to see them popping up every once in a while here at Miami. And Char gave me shit for wearing socks with sandals. I tried a pair of them on. As it turns out, they’re not all that comfortable. That’s just what people say to justify looking that ridiculous. Needless to say, I’m not a big fan of Crocs. Subconsciously, I think I actually lose respect for people that wear them. I know is a little over the top, but I am as God created me.

So I went down to Joe’s place on Christmas night after briefly playing pink-hat Santa Claus to a few friends in the PA area. Only, instead of being led around reindeer, I was driving around in a deer-killing machine. Just a little Christmas paradox for you. Anyway, I got down to Joe’s place and his brother was unwrapping this neat joystick that plugs into the TV and plays all the classic arcade games like Ms Pac-man and Pitfall. And it was wireless. This is an awesome idea for a gift. And I made that known apparently a little too well. Joe said he probably should have gotten me that thing. Instead he got me something that I probably wouldn’t like. When he said that, I just figured he was giving me the Corona lava lamp back. I was wrong. It was much worse. He got me a pair of very comfortable, holey rubber shoes. Apparently they come in neon orange too. Good for me. Have I heard of these? Oh, yeah Joe. I’ve heard of these. Do I like them? Sorry, I can’t even pretend I like them…

The 8th Day of Quotemas 2006

“Well, you don’t have to like them, you just have to accept them as a gift.”

- Good Joe

And that’s the theme of this year’s Christmas. I’m happy to see you’ve embraced it and managed to sum it up in one very apropos phrase.

Comfy in Crocs,

D Rec.

Still Standing Right Here…

REL 100: Remedial Religion

REL 100: Remedial Religion

So I celebrate Christmas, but I know not everybody does. And I'm really glad I do mostly because I don't understand how Judaism works. Sure, Chanukah sounds cool when you're a kid and you get jealous of your Jewish friends that get 8 presents when you only get that cardboard drum with the Quaker on it. But you'd have to convert to a whole other religion to do that. And that's a lot of work. You'd have to learn how to read backwards and wear the part of a hat that they cut out to make visors. And lots of other stuff like that. But Judaism is more than just a religion. It's a culture and it's almost like a race. How can you be half Jewish? What's the other half? If possible, I'd like to be half Jewish and half Christian to cover my ass, if that's an option. But then you get people that convert to Judaism with no background in it at all. I think. I should put up a disclaimer now that all of my information about the Jewish heritage comes from "The Hanukkah Song" by Adam Sandler. And off topic, I think it would have been funnier if the song was by Chaka Khan (get it, Chanukkah by Chaka Khan?). I'm sure there's a better joke in there somewhere, but I'm tired.

So anyway, these people that convert aren't really Jewish at all to begin with. I still don't quite get it. Can you decide to be part of the culture, but not the religion? Or vice versa? And can you just be Jewish when you need to get off for random holidays like Rosh Hashanikuh? But it's not like Christmas is any better. It's a religious holiday you don't even need to be religious to celebrate. You think all those people that celebrate Christmas are Christians, well you musta just fell off the Gullible Wagon. It's the default holiday. And somewhere along the line, they even took the Christ out of Christmas and replaced it with an X. Like you do in algebra. It's the age old science vs religion debate playing out under our noses on one of the most sacred (or secular) days of the year and we never even knew it! Those secret society masons are clever. And like all Christian holidays, it has a completely unrelated figure to make it more fun for kids. As a kid, I actually questioned what the heck this fat bearded old man had to do with the birth of Jesus Christ, our Savior. And why is New Years a whole week later, if that's supposed to be based on the birth of Christ (you know, BC and AD)? I'm sure somebody's got an answer to that. And I don't have time to get into Easter just now, but it took me a while to come to the realization that rabbits don't even have eggs. Why are they both synonymous with Easter? But hey, it (Christmas) is still the greatest holiday, no matter where your personal Christmas (or Hannukah) comes from. So who am I to ruin it with all this speculation? I'll ruin it in many other ways. :) And who the hell came up with Quanza? Like we don't have enough to try to figure out with these two wacky holidays. And I need to ask a favor of all of my friends. There's nothing I hate more during the holiday season than getting stressed out over buying gifts and making sure I don't offend anybody. So I've decided I'm not getting stressed out about it. I have also however, jam packed my calendar full with crap to do from now until the big day. And I haven't really started my Christmas shopping yet. Which also means I haven't finished it yet. It seems like this goes on almost every year, but this year is a lot worse. So I'll need you good friends of mine to bite the bullet on this one. Here's a conversation I could have had with Tony at his Christmas party this year:

Me: "Hey Tony. Sorry, but your present hasn't come in the mail yet."
Tony: "Don't worry about it."
Me: "Actually, I haven't even ordered it yet."
Tony: "..."
Me: "Well, to be honest, I haven't even figured out what I'm gonna get you yet."

I'm scheduling a special Dustin Christmas for sometime around Presidents Day. I don't think we'll all be getting together like we would on Christmas, but I think the deadline will help. And the extra added surprise will make it all the more special. Some of you may recognize this theory as the same one I use for Valentines Day. I've actually been applying this to all aspects of my life for years, I've just been playing along for the holidays for the last 11 years. Anyway, I'm out of time to be creative, so you may all get the same thing this year. And chances are it will be a UMBC day camp T-shirt, but that will really just be a proxy until the real holiday. President's Day.

Coming back from a football game, a few of us were in the car and this squirrel jumped out in front of the car. He ran halfway across the street, and cut back really quick, then doubled back and I didn't know what to do to help, so I just drove straight and somehow the little guy went underneath the car and came out the other side unscathed and running to the other side of the road...

Quote of the Day 12/20/04

"Did you see the moves on him? He's like the Dante Hall of squirrels."

-B Ferg


The Priest Holmes of squirrels was still sitting on the other curb in street clothes.

The Dante Hall of internet humor,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Christmas Decorations

Christmas Decorations

Trees - The more I think about it, this is the funniest part of Christmas. For a month out of the year (give or take) we cut down a perfectly healthy tree and bring it into our house and put lots of shit on it. I've been living with it for so long, I haven't thought about the whole concept for a while. This isn't a fern, it's a whole freakin tree! And it's right next to the TV. I'm surprised more people don't just have trees in their houses year round. I think I might start that trend. But it might be a little cruel to keep it in the tree stand without the ability to grow roots and just watch it die slowly. Of course, it's not like we plant them back in the ground when we're done with them. If it weren't for all the damn pine needles I need to vacuum, this would have gotten an A+. I mean, a tree right in the livingroom. Funny shit. A-

Lights - Lights are tricky. They can really bring out the magic in your Christmas scene or they can send you into an epileptic fit. And gone are the days of tacking them up to the gutter outside. They make it idiot proof now. Like sheets of lights all webbed together so you can just throw them onto trees and they're all perfectly spaced and everything. I'm not a fan of this. I like to see people put a little effort into putting their lights up. But what the hell do I know? I want to grow trees inside my apartment. B

Wreaths - Gotta admit, this one is a little different too. Somehow, Christmas got associated with wreaths for some reason. A circular conglomeration of usually biodegradable twigs and leaves of assorted different plant life of all sorts. And it's usually about head level and hung on front doors. Like a scarlet letter for pagans. But still pretty original. B+

Tinsel - Tinsel sucks. It's even worse than the pine needles in the clean-up department because they instantly clog up the dustbuster. There has yet to be developed a good way to get rid of tinsel. It's like dog hair but without the benefit of owning a dog. And if you don't put it on one or two strands at a time, it looks like a toaster hanging up on the tree and it's just not worth the sacrifice for me. But it is sparkly. D

I was talking with my printer guy about this speed skating thing he's into. Every year, he goes up to Milwaukee for this national speed skating conference and races this brotherhood from all across the country. And probably Canada, but I don't really consider that another country. Anyway, he was saying how there are several guys in his 55-60 age bracket that are awesome and he says that he'd never beat them. The only hope he has is to outlast them. There's a guy in the 80+ category that wins every year because he's the only one in his age range...

Quote of the Day 12/14/04

"And that's the one that counts! All the other ones, you just get a stupid little medal."

- The Dingle


Push comes to shove, life is really just a battle of attrition. First one to the finish line loses.

Merry Christmas,

Extend-a-Claus.


Still Standing Right Here...

Christmas CD Burnout

Christmas CD Burnout

Well, it's 1:28 in the morning, I'm knee deep in burnt CDs, and I'm still stuck at the office after having been off the clock since 2 in the afternoon. I hope you all appreciate this. Actually, this would be going a lot faster if I could stop playing with amihotornot.com. I actually walk through malls shouting out "7" and clicking on girls' faces. This is a serious addiction. I need help. But anyway, the point is that I'm here and it's late. I hope you all appreciate this because I'm not doing anything next year. Some people say I'm stressing too much. I agree with those people. Others say I shouldn't have procrastinated this much. Those are the people I'm going to shoot with a gun. Not that I don't have any Christmas spirit, but it seems like it coincides with when I have meals. What a total guy thing. My emotions can sway with the consumption of a pop tart. Get me food for Christmas. And if you bring it to me in the office now, I'll give you next year off.

I went to a club with a few people last Thursday (which I could not go to tonight because of the impending holiday), and outside the door, there existed this guy yelling "If you're over 21, get in this line... If you're under 21, get in this line" as he pointed to 2 different lines. Aaron turned to me and said...

Quote Of the Day 12/21/00

"Well, what if you're 21?"

-A-Rock


Well, Aaron had to leave.

Decking the halls with pop tarts,

The Extendinator.


Still Sledding Right Here...

Rating Aspects of the Holidays

Aspects of the Holidays

Cookies - This is probably one of the best aspects of Christmas there is. Everywhere you go, people are offering you cookies and making cookies for you. It's gotta suck for people trying to watch their weight because they can't escape the endless torture that this cookie making holiday hell imposes upon them. But for the rest of us, eat on! A

Presents - Well, this is a two-edged sword. Unless you don't care what other people think of your gifts or of what you get. I think it's cool to get a nice gift every once in a while, but I think I stress out too much around the holidays about whether or not my Aunt is going to appreciate thoroughly the Espresso machine made in the shape of Paul Reiser's head. And it turns out that grandma doesn't listen to gangsta rap anymore either. And God forbid you forget anybody. But it is cool getting shit you want but wouldn't pay for. B+

Vacation Time - This is the single greatest thing about this holiday. Everybody has off. Schools and all other businesses. Schools are lucky enough to have off the entire week between Christmas and New Years. That's an awesome break to relieve some tension between summers. The students do however, have to worry about finals all the way up until the actual holiday on occasion. But if you're lucky enough to work at a college, you get the best of both worlds. A+

Family - Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my family get together, and the kids are great. But on the flip side, I get "So, are you seeing anybody? Why not? Is something the wrong with you? What ever happened to old what's her name? I know somebody you'd like." No you don't, grandma. And even if you did, it doesn't work that way anymore. We have no cattle to trade her family. And I don't have a farm that would require a child to plow it anyway. But I can handle that. It's when they lapse back into "So, when are you getting a real job? Did your parents bust their ass so you could become a flag football referee?" that I can't stand. I'm sure they're interested, but nothing's going on and I'd rather not talk about it. But you can't say that to them or it's considered rude, or so I found out on Thanksgiving 98. B

One of my secretaries (I have several) was telling us today how her dog chased her cat up into her tree. We thought this was moderately amusing until she mentioned it was her Christmas tree. That's really funny. I can picture ornaments flying off, tinsel getting stuck all over the cat's fur and in its paws. She didn't have to call the fire dept thankfully, but between the pine needles and the unhappy bitch cat, she required 13 stitches. Anyway, she was telling this story to my boss and myself, among others, to which my boss replied...

Quote Of the Day 11/19/00

"That's why I don't have a cat. Or a dog. Or a tree."

-Boss Man G.


Of course, he's Jewish. That event would likely start a 3 alarm fire in his house.

Going home for Christmas,

Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...