So I made it through my first week, which is apparently longer than Jen had thought I would last. Good to know I have a supportive partner in all this. Throughout the week, I thought about exactly why I was doing this and I came up with what I think is the real reason, other than Jen is making me so it, which is also a motivating factor. And the answer is that it is easy. Not in its execution, but in its definition of parameters. The difference between a vegetarian diet and a low carb diet (besides the many health benefits associated with it that I have no idea about) is that I know what meat is and therefore I can figure out when not to eat it. I know what beef looks like. I know what bacon looks like. I have no idea what a carb looks like. So if all I have to do is define something as meat and not eat it, it’s much easier to figure out how to eat.
That having been said, there are still many different versions of vegetarians. Some eat fish, which kinda blows my mind. In what world are fish not meat? Actually, I know the answer to that. That’s what I call a “Catholic Vegetarian.” I am on the Darwinism Vegetarian diet, where fish count as meat. They swim around, they bite, they have their own little heartbeats. Personally, I say that makes them meat.
Day Eight: I had the leftover couscous today and was told that it apparently has chicken broth in it. Jen apparently says that as long as it doesn’t have chunks of meat in it, that it doesn’t count. So I’m rescinding that I cheated on day one with the gravy incident. Apparently, if ground up fine enough and added to liquid, anything can be vegetarian. I will be testing out a chicken milkshake tomorrow.
Day Nine: I finally got my ass out to get some peanut butter & jelly. This will be my new best friend, I’m sure. I had three sandwiches throughout the course of the day. Cupcakes are also a familiar friend of mine, as I finally bought them in bulk today. I had given them up previously because of my cholesterol issues. I don’t think this is a very smart diet at all.
Day Ten: As predicted, I had PB&J for lunch again. Only this time, rather than having a healthy dinner, I had an Auntie Anne’s pretzel for breakfast and leftover mac & cheese for a midnight snack. I actually think the guy from Supersize Me was eating healthier than I am.
Day Eleven: Joe drove me to work today as I had to drop my car off at the mechanic because I made a deal with the devil a long time ago that stated something in the contract about never having a functional car for longer than two consecutive months. Joe stopped by Chick Fil-A after picking me up and I almost forgot that I was a vegetarian. He reminded me while we were in line, the prick. SO I had a milkshake for breakfast. Also, Jen and I decided to attend the Nats game tonight and baseball stadiums are known for being notoriously difficult to find vegetarian options. So I had a nice healthy dinner of french fries once again. Thankfully I had filled up on PB&J for lunch.
Day Twelve: So the great thing about this time of year is that with all the wooing of the new students comes free lunches for all the staff. So this was the first of the free lunches that I’ll be getting about every other day until just about the end of this diet. Now, as all free lunch caterers know, there are vegetarians amongst the normal people, so there are always vegetarian options. However, some of them suck. Thankfully today, both options sucked so it didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. I had a lot of Caesar salad. Julius would have been proud.
The night provided a bit of a challenge though, as I found myself out at a sports bar trying to navigate my way through the menu. I wound up once again eating fries and an entire order of meatless nachos because somebody either doesn’t know how to order nachos with meat on one half or make nachos with meat on one half.
Day Thirteen: This is the day I’d been waiting for since the beginning of this operation. While Jen and I were still up in Boston, I came to the fortunate revelation that I had already replied to Leigh’s wedding, saying that I’d have the steak and she’d have the fish. That was to fall right in the middle of this vegetarian challenge. Joe simply said “Yeah, you can make exceptions like that.” Well, shit! “Honey, it’s steak night at Outback.” “But baby, it’s Fried Chicken Awareness Week in the Mt. Vernon area.” “Sweetie, it’s National I’m Tired of Peanut Butter & Jelly Day.” Well, we decided not to exploit this epiphany just yet, but we sure as shit weren’t going to re-reply with the vegetarian option. And so, there it was. A nice, juicy, melt in your mouth exception that I’d been drooling about for two weeks. And I dropped it on the floor. Just kidding. It was awesome. Kinda made me wonder what the hell I’m doing this for again. So congratulations to Leigh and Craig for getting married and thank you so much for inviting Jen and I to this very special day. You have NO idea how much it means. J
Day Fourteen: Today completely sucked. Because now the exception is over and the only thing I have to look forward to is Day Thirty-Two, or the first day of the rest of my meat-eating life. Oh yeah, after having Chips Ahoy cookies for breakfast and chopped up peppers and steamed asparagus for dinner, I decided that it was probably OK to only do it for the originally intended month rather than 6 weeks, which seems more arbitrary anyway. Until then, I’ll be dreaming of that steak from last night. And I’m starting to look at the cats in a different way.
