Sick Daze 2

Sick Daze
(continued from before)

I started taking my behind-the-counter medication today. This was to be my savior and I feel like just buying it should make me better, especially since I don’t have a prescription plan apparently. I need to pay more attention to stuff. Anyway, I got a cough suppressant and antibiotics. My understanding is that antibiotics are supposed to kill bacteria. After some rudimentary research of bronchitis on Wikipedia, I discovered that less than 10% of bronchitis cases are caused by bacteria. Which means that they may as well be sugar tablets. Or gold stars. I also found that bronchitis has nothing to do with coughing for 14 days straight. I guess I should probably stop going to see a doctor working out of the back of a Chuck E Cheese. So either my doctor is lying to me or Wikipedia is wrong. Or I misunderstood something. And honestly, it’s pretty even money.

My sister says that I should eat some yogurt after taking the antibiotics. This is because antibiotics kill all bacteria and some bacteria is good bacteria, necessary to digest food. Yogurt apparently slows down the killing of the good bacteria or contains some supplemental good bacteria in it or something that helps with the adverse effects of antibiotics. This made a lot of sense because I didn’t understand it. Read that again because it’s written how I meant it. This is the same approach I use to cars and women. So I did that. And I took the magic beans. It shouldn’t be long before I am completely cured, right? Well, last night was my worst yet as far as uncontrollable coughing fits are concerned. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to breathe the entire night. I think that’s the approach I’m going to implement tonight. Wish me luck.


Still Standing Right Here…

Top 15 Quotes about Dustin

One deadline made, one deadline broken. Oh well. Last I checked, this was free for everybody so we’re gonna go ahead and forgo that “every weekend” crap and just say I’m gonna try to get this out once a week.

And before I begin, you need to know something. I apparently wrote A LOT in the last 15 years on this QOTD thing. I guess I knew that, but just not to the extent that it actually was. I have these saved by “season” for the most part – not individual files, and the 99-00 season is 131 pages long single-spaced. And a lot of it is real crap. I can’t believe you guys actually pretended to be that interested in my life. The things I thought were funny. Jeez. But there are still a lot of incredible gems, as you’ll hopefully agree with soon. Anyway, there were too many great quotes to just pick 15, so I split them up into themes. This week’s Top 15 in 15 are the best 15 quotes about yours truly, as I’ve been the subject of some harsh and thusly humorous ridicule over the last 15 years (really, the last 35, but my records only date back to 95). So without further adieu (and without repeating anything you may have read last week), have at it.

Top 15 Quotes about Dustin

#15

So anyways, I was talking to Dan after I had stayed up all night for no flippin' reason about the trail of ex-girlfriends I had and the things they had in common. I started relating what they had in common to the color of their hair. I told him that all of the blonds I dated did one certain thing after we broke up, and the one redhead I dated turned gay when we broke up (and no, I'm not proud, and I didn't do it completely. She was already bi). To this, Dan replied…

Quote of the Day 11/18/97

"OK, you're not allowed to date anymore redheads if you're gonna waste them like that."
-Dan (the guy who drinks a whole hell of a lot) Gregory

#14

…At any rate, this quote comes from a friend of mine who beat us in soccer last semester. I was walking around in shorts and he is always baffled how I don't get cold. So he asked me if I was cold, and I told him that the temperature is all in your mind. To this, he responded...

Quote of the Day 4/10/96

"Yeah, but I'd hate to have to walk around thinking all day."
-Shawn Something

The best argument yet for me to wear pants.

#13

…I wore my favorite shirt into the dining hall (the button down one that is mostly skittle green, but has about 4 other gaudy pastel colors in it that don't match each other), and ran into quite a few people who haven't seen me in the shirt before. Jason Yankus, a pretty good friend of mine, saw me for the first time in about a week – with my shirt on – and of course a bright pink hat to accompany it, and the first thing he had to say to me wasn't "Hi" or "What's going on" or anything like that. He just walked straight up to me and said...

Quote of the Day 11/4/97

"WOW! Don't walk under a black light. You'll hurt somebody."
-Yankus

That still doesn't equal the damage Andrew's face can do under a normal light. (Bring it on, Proz!)

#12

Alright, I'm late. I gotta go. No time for wit. If you all know me, and you all do, you know I wear a pink hat most if not all of the time. Well, I was wearing this hat one day that isn't quite neon pink, but more purplish than most people are used to. My friend asked me what was wrong with the hat. It wasn't bright pink like the rest of them. I told him I was sort of depressed that day and wasn't in a neon pink hat mood...

Quote of the Day 4/15/96

"Well, that's not too bad if the most depressed you get is lavender."
-Crossover Manser (friend from home)

#11

My sister and her boyfriend were rolling through town in their RV a few months back at the same time I was having my old man D league softball game, so I asked her to stop by and the following conversation ensues between the two of them...

Quote of the Day 3/3/04

Char: "We're going to Dustin's softball game."
J-Me: "Don't you mean baseball?"
Char: "No, I mean softball. He's old."

And I'm not even good.

#10

Well, today was another Pimp Daddy Day. It was even Pimp Daddier than it was yesterday. Kate and I were sitting on the little ledge outside and talking about how I don't have any balls or guts or anything. Then I looked up and saw a cute girl in the parking lot. I asked Kate how much money she'd give me if I just brazenly walked up and kissed her...

Quote of the Day 3/15/96

"I won't give you any money. I might even give her a few dollars."
-Kate

#9

I know I'm late and I promise this won't become a habit, but I was asleep until ten today. Tonight. Anyway, this quote comes to us all the way from PA, from my friend and unpaid psychologist, Brian Reagan. Every time I go home and seek advice about my life, I always consult him. And he's usually right. A lot of you have heard this quote before, and I'm sure you'll all appreciate it. This is just a little piece of advice he gave me before I left for school:

Quote of the Day 3/10/95

"You worry too much. Life's not that important... Especially yours."
-Brian Reagan

#8

So I'm now addicted to this new board game called Settlers. It's overwhelming characteristic is that you can't explain it to anyone else. It's a board game somewhere between Risk and Civilization, and I'm going to leave it at that for now. I play this game with John and other people my age a lot, but now that I bought it myself I've introduced it to my college friends and I found myself on a Monday night/Tuesday morning playing it in the lounge of a dorm until the sun came up. That was a serious déjà vu. Probably because I had just done it the previous Saturday night too. But it was also a reality check for me. I was hanging in the lounge with two 19-20 year old sophomores when this came out. I know this comment was made with the intent to demean himself, but he did a pretty good job of deflating my self-worth in the process...

Quote of the Day 3/11/02

"I need to get a life. It's a Saturday night and I'm in the lounge playing a board game with my RA and a 27-year old man."
-Colin Fergus, adolescent child

Well, at least he called me a man.

#7

So I started hanging out with John and Scott and Giese again because I was starting to feel old always hanging out with the college crowd. That didn't help. At least now I feel like WE'RE old, as opposed to just me being old. Anyway, we've been getting together to play these games like Magic and Elvenland and the Bean game recently. We try to do this once a week and in the process I have realized that all these people still hung out with each other even after I stopped hanging out with them. I don't know why I expected the entire crowd to lose touch just because I did. Maybe that's a testament to how self-centered I am. But enough about me - We got together and I started asking about all these people and realized that I was so far out of the loop with my old 3rd South crowd. To this, Scott very appropriately responded...

Quote of the Day 3/3/02

"Well, that's because you're the only one who stayed in the loop."
-Scotty Too Hotty

#6

I was over at John's apartment and we were studying for our mid-term (complaining about how we're losers going nowhere), and I saw all of his D&D books, and I mistakenly thought I could insult John and get away with it. Well, here's the consequence...

Quote of the Day 10/11/96

Me: "How sad. You spend your life living in a false reality."
John: "You spend your life kicking a ball."

Touché!

#5

Anyway, for those of you who don't know, I am now a certified drunk. This past Friday marks my third time ever. And I was weird. I didn't have a hangover. I think I actually woke up still drunk. Apparently, that isn't as uncommon as I thought it was at first. I was sober enough to still whoop some Good Joe ass at tennis though, let me tell you! But I think Joe put it best the following day when he wrote me back. He's been my friend for about 6 or 7 years now, and has hung out with me more than anyone on this list, but has never seen me drunk until that night...

Quote of the Day 9/21/98

"It was really weird to see you like that... drunk, on top of being Dustin already."
-Good Joe

In other words, I'm drunker sober than a normal drunk is... Whatever.

#4

On the plus side, while I was out in Oregon, I got a dose of self-realization. Not necessarily in the spiritual sense, but my friend's wife pretty much put me in my place in the most exact way I think I've ever been described, word for word. I was trying to defend the point that I was relatively laid back when I'm not with Kevin, Joe and/or Mike. Kevin didn't buy it. Tanis hasn't known me since middle school, so she was more apt to believe...

Quote of the Day 6/10/02

"Well, I guess you have the potential to not be this spastic all the time."
-Tanis, holder of the whip

I have the "POTENTIAL"... not to be THIS spastic... ALL the time.

#3

This quote came a while back from the day that I went to my RA interview. As you know, every time I have to do something formal, I run around the night before borrowing clothes that are respectable enough to wear from anybody willing to lend them to me. And from all of these, I can generally make a decent looking outfit. Anyway, I stopped by Sedge's room seeking a little fashion advice, and he started telling me to match shirt to tie, and tie to belt, and belt to shoes...

Quote of the Day 3/7/96

"These are just strict rules of fashion, and you follow the rules of fashion like most people follow the speed limit."
-Dr. Sedge

#2

I'm pretty sure I got ripped off by the gas station in Philly for the gas can. It's kinda like a tow truck. They can overcharge, because they know you need the service. I have an idea for a way to make my millions. But anyway, I was pissed about it...

Quote of the Day 1/18/05

Me: "What kind of a place charges $9.00 for a gas can?"
Leigh: "What kind of a 30-yr-old man runs out of gas?"

OK, Rendé. You win this round.

#1

The following quote was actually taken directly from John's wedding program and the reason I am using it is because it describes my relationship not only with him but also the other 249 people on this list. Anyway, so John had a few sentences about everybody in his wedding and here is an excerpt from mine...

Quote of the Day 3/16/04

"...Dustin orbits in and out of my life at regular, comet-like intervals..."
-John and Rachel's Wedding Program

If that doesn't describe my relationship with you here, then it probably will once you graduate from UMBC.

So there you have it. Only one repeater on the list and go figure it would be the sharp tongue of the former roomie. Nothing from Mike, Kevin or Tony though, surprisingly. But don’t worry, there are still plenty more weeks of this to come. And they’ll likely pop up as early as next week in the Top 15 Improvisational Quotes of the Last 15 Years.

Karaoke & Tramp Stamps

Karaoke & Tramp Stamps

Yes Sis Fish (my actual sister), there was a time in which the quote rant was a lead-in to the quote quote. And no, the giggle blink girl had nothing to do with the guy who hurt his ankle. I could make something up and I think I will from now on just to create a segue of continuity, but you are correct. I have too much to tell all of you and I don't want to be handcuffed to whatever I deem funny enough to be the quote of the day. I actually don't want to be handcuffed to anything other than Jessica Simpson's nightstand. And even then, I don't know that I'd enjoy it. She'd probably only be doing it to restrain me. Probably because I'd have broken in there. (I just reread this joke and don't like it, but also don't want to go back and type anything else)

Speaking of Jessica Simpson, I actually broke my promise of never going back to Brick Street. A buddy came back into town and he wanted to go uptown. By 12:30, Steinkellers was down to their last staff member, Skippers and 45 East were closed and Balcony was on fire again (that's a lie). So anyway, we wound up at Brick Street. But it was different this time. It was apparently karaoke night. And there was this hot chick up there doing a heck of a Dusty Springfield. Turns out I actually knew who she was. I talked to her and found out that there was a $100 prize that night. So I figured what the hell. I've make an ass out of myself many times before for free, why not do it to the tune of a possible C-note (that's what us gangstas call a hundred bucks). And so I got up there and screamed a shitty ass version of Keep Your Hands to Yourself and during the instrumental part, I did the jump split thing made popular in Ferg's and Milkman's apartment back in college. Picture Footloose at Aaron's wedding without Big Mike throwing me all over creation. So at the end of the night, it turns out I caught one of the judge's eyes (the guy, go figure) and actually won the main prize. Sadly enough, that is more than I made the entire day of work when I calculated it out. And thus, I have decided to give up my dream to be the best wiffleball tournament commissioner ever and tour the country going to bars doing good enough renditions of Georgia Satellites greatest hits. At least until my groin gives out mid-split. But for the moment, I am the King of Karaoke Night at Brick Street. Which happens to be the bar that most closely represents my personal seventh circle of Dante's hell. To be surrounded by hot young tattooed foxes and me without my snappy snare.

Speaking of tattooed chicks (how you like that, Actual Sis?), I got into the conversation with a few friends about a month ago talking about girls that have a tattoo on the small of their spine. Sure, we all heard Vince Vaughn say that it might as well be a bulls eye in Wedding Crashers (which will actually segue into my next message), but I just found out that they are also called "tramp stamps." It's not a flattering name, but I don't think it was intended to be. And so, I made a joke to the effect of "well, no wonder all my exes have them" which is barely funny and also a complete lie. But it begat this, which was worth the self degradation…

Quote of the Day 10/2/06

"I didn't think you were allowed to get tattoos until you were 18."

-E Hersh


That is what we in the business call a "cherry." It completes the joke sequence. Nothing can possibly go on top of the sundae after you put the cherry on it. And if any of our group of friends ruined that joke by trying to piggyback on it or "rejoke," we are required to squirt them with hot fudge and kick them in the chopped nuts.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of "The Ring"

Review of "The Ring"

Before I critique this movie, let me tell you about the plethora of emotions I went through before I even saw this movie. When I first heard of The Ring, it sounded like a neat and rather original concept. I was interested. Then I saw a poster for it. And a cheesy TV ad. They reminded me that I don't like horror movies. So it was over. I had already made plans to never watch it. Then all my fear junkies came back from seeing it opening night saying how good it was. Big deal. They said the same thing about Tremors 3 (yes, there's a 3). Then some people whose opinions I actually care about said it was good and I should go see it. Then more people. Then everybody said it. And who am I to tell everybody they're wrong (the same guy you were last time you did). So that's what got me out to the theater. So before I even saw this trippy flick, I was already going through this roller coaster of emotions about the film. Actually, it was more like a roller coaster of opinions. But who's counting (and who's still reading)? The Ring is a serious horror movie. It's not the crappy teeny bop bubble gum scary movie like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer and it's not the beast out of control wanna be horror movie like Deep Blue Sea and The Hot Chick. It's like nothing you've ever seen before. Unless you saw Stir Of Echoes. Well, not exactly. If you cut up Stir Of Echoes into 52 pieces and shuffled them a little bit and cut the corner off of all the face cards and threw away all the diamonds and replaced them with 13 pieces of an unidentifiable sticky substance, you'd have The Ring (I think we lost him). The main character has no idea what they are looking for and only has a vague idea of where to start. Piece by piece, you learn more as the filmmakers see fit. There's even a prophetic-for-no-reason son in both of them. The difference is that while Stir Of Echoes kinda makes sense in the end, The Ring is off the hook. OK, so there's this videotape where you watch it and get a phone call correctly predicting your death a week from that moment. Well, what if you're not near a phone? Or what if you only watch half the tape. Or what if you were in the room while it was playing but trimming your mustache or something else? So we look past these practical issues. Then there's the ridiculously obscure backstory. Something about an insane girl, a torturing father, and what the hell was up with the horses? Why did the horse go nuts on the boat? I was left asking myself that question about a lot of stuff in that movie? Why was that scene even in the movie? Can't answer that one.

I think I've begun to confuse myself writing this review and I would like to stop now. It is a very scary flick. I recommend watching it alone at night with all the lights out. And I know it won't happen in this day and age, but I think it should only come out on videotape when it comes out. And if it does come out on DVD, rent the video. Go old school. It'll be worth it. It would be even cooler if they re-shot like half the scenes in the movie and replaced the videotape with DVDs for when it comes out in Blockbuster. That would really fuck me up, and as a professional wiffleball referee, I can guarantee it would be worth the production cost. Man, would that be freaky! OK, I'm done with that thought. Go see it. As soon as you can. 8 1/2 bugs (bonus bugs for being a good horror movie without selling out, there ain't many).

My sister and her boyfriend recently bought an RV and decided to give up the luxury of a steady income for a life of considerable doubt, second-guessing, and Ramen noodles. And I really wish I had the balls to do it. Anyway, they are currently on their way to San Diego to try to buy tickets off scalpers to the Superbowl. I don't know exactly how expensive tickets are, but I imagine it's a lot of Ramen noodles. Anyway, my sis took the time out to e-mail me from El Paso to thank me for my Christmas gift to her...

Quote Of the Day 1/10/03

"Thanks a lot for the radio - good idea! We use it all the time - its getting us through the playoffs and we get to hear great local talk radio shows hosted by stereotypical old male hicks wherever we are, and hear some news - but some places we've been actually didn't have any news."

-Excerpt from my vagabond sis


I guess a worldwide nuclear threat isn't big enough to make it onto their radio stations. Hell, they probably wouldn't even realize it happened for a solid week.

Watching DVDs from now on,

Achilles Heal.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of "Election"

Review of "Election"

Well, I'm going to critique a less controversial film this time. If there are any die-hard Election fans out there, please turn your eyes away now. I'm afraid to give anything a bad review anymore, but I figure any movie produced by MTV is a safe bet. Maybe I'll do Joe's Apartment next week.

Anyway, here are the basics: This supposedly attractive (Reese Witherspoon), meticulously stubborn teacher's pet-type runs unopposed for class president until her spiteful, annoyed for a reason (Matthew Broderick) teacher and guidance counselor of some sort convinces the out of commission, everybody loves you high school quarterback (some Keanu Reeves look and act-alike) to oppose her, accidentally causing his younger lesbian sister (some dike) who just had her girlfriend stolen by the aforementioned quarterback to run against him in order to think she's getting some sort of revenge. And that's just one plot. It's got teachers having sex with students, blackmail, extortion, and no real hero. Every time you thought you found some moral compass, they changed direction on you. Actually, I liked the movie in spite of myself. There wasn't much to it. They're most expensive "special" effect was an overhead camera zooming out fast. The story was well written, with too many twists and turns to possibly be able to be predicted. And even when you predicted one, you enjoyed seeing it happen. It was simple. It was cheesy. But it worked. And it was damn funny. It's only problem was that it has a couple of different codas after the main story ends, and I always hated that. It's like watching the end of a basketball game that your team won by 25 points. You are forced to stay in the theater even after you've climaxed and had your deep breath and optional cigarette (can I cram any more analogies in here?). I think half the theater already started putting their jackets on with 10 minutes left in the movie. But this is admissible if it is the only flaw in the film. I am going to give Election 7 1/2 bugs. It was really good for what it was. It just wasn't an 8 bug movie.

This quote is hearsay, but I do accept such quotes, especially when I am low on fuel. My sister apparently has a friend with a convertible Mercedes and lots of other cool toys. Char (aforementioned sister) was given the right to drive the vehicle and used this opportunity to show it off to the family. She pulled up to the video store and my mom was standing outside. Char turns to my mom and addresses the question...

Quote of the Day 6/18/99

"Hey ma. How does this look on me?"

-Charfish.


Slightly better than the '79 wheelless 3 shades of green Maverick that's been in our parking lot for 2 years.

Love, pink hats, and volleyballs, (for old times sake)

Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...