Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Brothers Bloom vs. Definitely, Maybe

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Brothers Bloom vs. Definitely, Maybe

Wowsers. This one is too close to predict. Normally I can predict the outcome beforehand. Two evenly matched 7-bug movies take the ring. Place your bets.

Title: I do love the punctuation, but the more I read it, the more I read it, the more I think it’s maybe a little cheesy. Definitely. (Point, Brothers 1-0)

Funnier: Hey. Two comedies. I feel like this doesn’t happen too often. But Brothers Bloom was too strong, even for Ryan Reynolds. (Point, Brothers 2-0)

Better Turn: Brothers did make a bunch of turns, but Definitely didn’t have a turny enough turn. Advantage goes to the turnier turns. (Point, Brothers 3-0)

Better Ending: Brothers Bloom reminded me of the Maverick in the way that it kept ending over and over, which isn’t necessarily automatic disqualification. But it was r

efreshing to see a realistic relationship between a divorced father, divorced mother and child. (Point, Definitely 3-1)

Better Message: Again, I’ll cite the realistic nature of the divorced relationship for this category’s sake. (Point Definitely, 3-2)

Better Acting: Rachel Weisz cancels herself out. But in a movie where you were supposed to guess which of three women would end up with the main character, the casting directors did a great job of finding three women who weren’t villainesses. (Point, Definitely 3-3)

More Creative: Definitely was a modern day Princess Bride with Abigail Breslin playing the role of Fred Savage. But it’s also about a guy telling his daughter about all the women he’s been with, which is weird. And Brothers Bloom pulls off a period piece with style. (Point, Brothers 4-3)

Poster: Not really a strength in either case, but I like how in Definitely’s poster, all three women are looking at Ryan Reynolds, who is looking up at his shoulders to the star of the movie, Abigail Breslin, who is the only person looking at the camera. (Point, Definitely 4-4)

Watch again: I’d watch either of these movies again, but I’ll go with the movie that finally told a romantic comedy from the guy’s point of view. You don’t see that often enough. Plus, I own Brothers Bloom on DVD, so I’m a lot less likely to watch it. (Point, Definitely 4-5)

Overall: First Brothers Grimm, then Brothers Bloom. This movie is not kind to brothers. Good thing Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly aren’t in this bracket. Winner: Definitely, Maybe (5-4)

Double Feature Duel: The Brothers Bloom vs. Planet of the Apes (2001)

Double Feature Duel:
The Brothers Bloom vs. Planet of the Apes (2001)

Bout #19: A movie that Annie made me watch vs. Tim Burton’s bastardization of a franchise I’m kind of tired of watching. Any predictions?

The Brothers Bloom: Quirky, different, funny – everything I want from a Dirty Scoundrels remake. No, the entirety of the story didn’t add up completely, but I really like the characters, especially everybody except Adrian Brody, strangely. 7 bugs.

Planet of the Apes (2001): Boy did Tim Burton drive this into the ground. My guess is he just wanted to have a reason to make a bunch of slightly more ape-looking apes than the 1968 version jumping around. And he wanted it to be darker. But he didn’t necessarily want the dialogue or plot to make any sense. But it was still less painful than most of the original sequels. 3 bugs

Title: Yeah, I know. It’s a freakin sequel. But y could have done something. (Point, Brothers Bloom 1-0)

Funnier: I believe the first line in POTA 2001 was a mockery of the “Take your stinky paws off me, you damn dirty ape.” And it went over like grape juice in David’s Bridal. (Point, Brothers Bloom 2-0)

Better Turn: Well, the Brothers Bloom was full of turns, much in the style of Maverick. POTA started turning with the opening credits. Mark Wahlberg established a relationship with a chimp, went on an unsanctioned mission, got shot through a wormhole in space, crash-landed on “some strange planet” and got captured by the apes all before I even put the DVD in. But in the con game style of movie, we enjoy the constant turns, much like the teacup. Because we know they’re coming, but we don’t know when or which way. (Point, Brothers Bloom 3-0)

Better Ending: The ape version of Lincoln is Burton’s way of coming up with an ending as shocking as the original. He could have also had a huge race of apple-headed people for the same effect. (Point, Brothers Bloom 4-0)

Better Message: I really don’t feel like thinking too hard about this category and I know the stupid POTA movie is going to lose so I invoke the I’m Tired and Moving Things Along clause. (Point, POTA 4-1)

Better Acting: I take back what I said earlier. Paul Giamatti made for a rather comical ape and a bright spot in this film, possibly the only reason to ever watch it again. However, I fell in love with Rachel Weisz in this movie. And I fell in like very much with Mark Ruffalo. Rachel really played her quirky millionaire who “collects hobbies” to perfection. I have already started putting more of her movies on my Netflix queue and that’s usually a good sign. And poor Paul Giamatti has lost this category all three times he’s appeared since this started (The Illusionist, Storytelling). In fact, he’s lost all three duels. Hmm. I’m gonna have to watch Sideways again. (Point, Brothers Bloom 5-1)

More Creative: I guess there’s something to be said for random being creative. Kinda in the same way Jackson Pollack was creative. But Pollack happens to be the butt of my jokes for good reason, so any comparison to his creativity is not a compliment. (Point, Brothers Bloom 6-1)

Poster: Well, I like how they stayed true to the font of the old movie. And I kinda like the ominousity of the POTA poster. And I know it already lost so I’m not spending much time thinking about exactly which one I absolutely completely and without a doubt like better. (Point, POTA 6-2)

Watch again: No question. I’m invoking the I’m Tired and Moving Things Along clause again. (Point, Brothers Bloom 7-2)

Overall: I don’t think I gave the POTA a chance at all based on the stupid, stupid ending that is stuck in my head. I almost forgot completely about Paul Giamatti. But that should show you how bad it was. The right movie won. Winner: Brothers Bloom (7-2)