Double Feature Duel (Rd3): Planet of the Apes vs. The Nines

Double Feature Duel (Rd3):
Planet of the Apes vs. The Nines

Wow. A movie from the 60s actually got to the Elite Eight. Congratulations! I hope you didn’t pay for your hotel room tonight already.

Title: The Nines is ambiguous. I like ambiguous. Planet of the Apes is actually clever enough to throw you off of the scent. It is the first strike in a film designed to show you the left hand the entire time, while the right hand is poking you in the brain. In a good way. (Point, POTA 1-0)

Funnier: The dialogue in the middle vignette was positively delightful and Ryan Reynolds can now make me laugh by simply wearing worn-rimmed glasses. (Point, The Nines 1-1)

Better Turn: Huh. The Nines was split into three vignettes, which doesn’t usually lend itself well to turns. However, this wasn’t an average vignette-type of movie. Can you tell I like the word “vignette” yet? (Point, The Nines 1-2)

Better Ending: Not much is going to top the classic. I only wish I was around in 1968 to see it for myself. And only for that reason. Maybe to catch Hendrix in concert once, but then to hop immediately back in the Delorean. (Point, POTA 2-2)

Better Message: I’m struggling for the first time with the word “message.” Because The Nines’ strongest feature is the question it poses about creation. But is that really a message in the same way that “Don’t f@$# with nuclear weapons” is? I guess it kinda isn’t. (Point, POTA 3-2)

Better Acting: Uh-oh. Upset alert! Oh. But then there’s a category where I have to judge the acting ability of humans in fake, plastic ape masks. (Point, The Nines 3-3)

More Creative: Whatever credit I couldn’t give to The Nines for the message that wasn’t necessarily a message in the truest sense of the word, I will give here. Because it deserves the creativity points anyway, just in case my grading rubric is getting audited. (Point, The Nines 3-4)

Poster: I think this is a point that is going to a movie just because it isn’t from the 60s. Oh well. Audit that, stupid nameless auditors! (Point, The Nines 3-5)

Watch again: I may watch The Nines again even before I write up the last MvM. I should have watched it again the day I watched it the first time. Point is, it will get watched again.(Point, The Nines 3-6)

Overall: A surprising showing by POTA to be honest. I’m glad the 60s could be represented in the Elite Eight. But let’s get real, playa. Winner, The Nines (6-3)

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Source Code vs. Traitor

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Source Code vs. Traitor

A perfect 10 that came out of nowhere vs. a movie that was a 4 for 2/3rds and a 7 for the other third, thus making it half as good in total. Let’s see how the numbers fall.

Title: “Source Code” peaks your interest you without giving away a crucial plot twist. “Traitor” doesn’t. (Point, Source Code, 1-0)

Funnier: Russell Peters was in Source Code and told a joke. That’s enough. (Point, Source Code 2-0)

Better Turn: Remember that one party hat you went to where they said “keep going straight up the hill – it’s gonna turn into a dirt road and maybe gravel and you’re gonna think to yourself ‘I must have missed it already’ – keep going. Then you’re gonna want to turn, not at the next tree stump, but the one after that.” Well, that was Traitor’s turn. (Point, Source Code 3-0)

Better Ending: I do like endings which don’t reach happy little conclusions for our tormented protagonists. And I like scenes with Guy Pierce. But I also really like quantum physics applied into mainstream movies. (Point, Source Code 4-0)

Better Message: I’m not a huge fan of loyalty beyond reason. As Thomas Jefferson approximately maybe said “Patriotism is the belief that your country is the best because you were born in it.” But this guy seemed loyal to a cause that he believed in. Plus, Source Code wasn’t really all about messages. (Point, Traitor 4-1)

Better Acting: This is a tough one. Mostly because I haven’t seen the movies in about two months now. But there wasn’t much special from what I recall about Source Code. There was slightly less nothing special about Traitor, specifically Guy Pearce. (Point, Traitor 4-2)

More Creative: Um. Even Big Fish would lose this race to Source Code. (Point, Source Code 5-2)

Poster: These posters are actually quite similar. I still don’t like that Jake Gylenhall is carrying a gun. And I still think I came up with a better tagline than “Make every second count” in 20 seconds. But “The truth is complicated” is just as bad. No, worse. No, just as bad, but not worse. Both could be taglines for every movie ever made. Seriously, pick one. Titanic? Citizen Cane? Do the Right Thing? So in this case, I’ll give props to the whole world disintegrating into tiles thing that Source Code is doing. It adds to the geekiness. (Point, Source Code 6-2)

Watch again: Definitely Source Code. No need for extra words. (Point, Source Code 7-2)

Overall: A much more dominant Source Code victory. I still wish – for the sake of this contest only – that I had waited two movies to watch Moon. I wonder how it would have done in the Cincinnati Quadrant. Winner: Source Code (7-2)

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Adjustment Bureau vs. Escape From the POTA

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Adjustment Bureau vs. Escape From the Planet of the Apes

A creative movie with great dialogue and a horrible ending against one of the better movies in a series of bad films.

Title: It’s easy enough to spit out the company line about the length of the POTA title, which I already did in the first round. But Adjustment Bureau is too clever to go unnoticed. So… consider yourself noticed. (Point, Adjustment Bureau 1-0)

Funnier: I’ll give Escape its props, but the humorous dialogue from Adjustment Bureau drove the movie down its complex and windy path. (Point, Adjustment Bureau 2-0)

Better Turn: The turn in Adjustment Bureau made me turn my computer off and pay attention. And that’s hard to do, as I’m currently typing while watching another movie. (Point, Adjustment Bureau 3-0)

Better Ending: The Adjustment Bureau could have gone in a number of directions. Straight down off a Thelma & Louise size cliff is a direction. (Point, Escape 3-1)

Better Message: Escape kind of clocked us over the head with their message – almost more so than An Inconvenient Truth did, but it was still poignant. And Adjustment Bureau decided to concentrate on the swimsuit competition. (Point, Escape 3-2)

Better Acting: It’s tough to compare an Oscar-nominated actor with a plastic ape getting a truth serum. But I’ll try. (Point, Adjustment Bureau 4-2)

Poster: Neither of these is winning any awards. But Escape came out before graphic design was a profession. Adjustment Bureau has no excuse. (Point, Escape 4-3)

More Creative: Both are pretty out there in terms of creativity. Based on the parameters of “which would I least likely come up with on my own,” I’ll have to give the nod to apes that see their world destroyed in a nuclear war and go back 1000 into the past in a time machine. (Point, Escape 4-4)

Watch again: And in a deadlock at 4, I’m going to have to go with Adjustment Bureau hands down here. Sorry 1971, but even your good shit is kinda boring now. (Point, Adjustment Bureau 5-4)

Overall: A closer battle, but another POTA movie bites the dust at the hands of the Adjustment Bureau. Winner: Adjustment Bureau (5-4)

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): The Nines vs. The Cove

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
The Nines vs. The Cove

The most surprisingly good movie I’ve seen since Frequency vs. an Oscar-winning documentary. The ole narrative vs. documentary matchup. Not usually good for the documentary, but it made it this far so who knows?

Title: I do appreciate the brevity employed by both movies here, but I much favor the ambiguity of The Nines. Because if there’s one thing you know about me, it’s that I enjoy ambiguity. (Point, The Nines 1-0)

Funnier: The murder of dolphins isn’t really high on the humor scale. (Point, The Nines 2-0)

Better Turn: For a three-vignette series, The Nines has the feel of a complete narrative. And up against a documentary, it has a chance. That chance is now gone. (Point, The Cove 2-1)

Better Ending: The Cove isn’t going to lose this too often. It stepped away from the narration to let the power of the final scene do the work. However, The Nines raised some existential issues that I still haven’t fully grasped. And it made fun of gamers. (Point, The Nines 3-1)

Better Message: Well, The Nines isn’t going to lose this too often, but there hasn’t been a more direct and efficiently delivered message since An Inconvenient Truth than what The Cove delivered. (Point, The Cove 3-2)

Better Acting: It doesn’t always play out like this, but usually the documentary get the point for the message and the narrative gets this point to even it out. This is not exception. (Point, The Nines 4-2)

Poster: The Packers lead the NFC at 10-0 right now and yet they are 31^st in passing defense. The Patriots are 7-3 atop the AFC and have the 32^nd best pass defense (out of 32). If this was the battle between those two teams, this category would be like their pass defense. But I like the dolphins (on the poster, not the team – though they have a better pass defense). (Point, The Cove 4-3)

More Creative: It’s going to take a miracle for The Nines to ever lose this category. This isn’t it. (Point, The Nines 5-3)

Watch again: I wanted to watch The Nines again immediately after I saw it the first time. That hasn’t changed at all. (Point, The Nines 6-3)

Overall: Well, I have a feeling that the only movie that could have stopped The Nines from running through this half of the bracket would be a documentary. And yet, it didn’t. Winner: The Nines (6-3)

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Planet of the Apes vs. The Invention of Lying

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Planet of the Apes vs. The Invention of Lying

Old school classic vs a movie I didn’t even know existed. Let the game begin.

Title: The title of the movie throws off the scent of the ending in Planet of the Apes, which is enough to merit a point here. (Point, POTA 1-0)

Funnier: It’s like beating up a frog that didn’t even know he was in a fight. (Point, Lying 1-1)

Better Turn: Rocky Gervais told a lie vs apes finding out Heston could talk. And in a no contest win… (Point, POTA 2-1)

Better Ending: Talk about Mariano Rivera all you want, Rod Serling is the best closer of all time. (Point, POTA 3-1)

Better Message: Planet of the Apes was a warning about nuclear war and how it could destroy humans and we may be ruled by apes. Believable, no. But neither is living in a world where a woman will sleep with you because you tell her it’s the only way to stop the nuclear attack. Trust me. (Point, POTA 4-1)

Better Acting: Well, comparing a movie largely acted by humans in ape masks to one with a bunch of stand-up comics is not the easiest job I’ve had. However, I’ll take Louis C.K. over the plastic ape-people. (Point, Lying 4-2)

Poster: Man, posters were bad back in the 60s. (Point, Lying 4-3)

More Creative: A world where people can’t lie, but for one person who randomly comes up with it. Kinda stupid, but not necessarily uncreative. But the iconic image of the Statue of Liberty at the end of POTA floored people for decades. And that’s worth a point I think. (Point, POTA 5-3)

Watch again: If the two were on cable right now and I was by myself, I’d probably watch The Invention of Lying because it was funny. If the person I was with hadn’t seen either, I’d want to show them Planet of the Apes. But because it doesn’t matter anyway… (Point, Lying 5-4)

Overall: A 7-bug movie beat a 6.5-bug movie by 1 point. It’s almost like I know what I’m doing. Winner: Planet of the Apes (5-4)

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Big Fish vs. An Inconvenient Truth

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Big Fish vs. An Inconvenient Truth

An Inconvenient Truth was actually a good movie. Who knows? Maybe they’re the Northern Iowa of my little tournament.

Title: Tough one! These are both really good and subtle plays on words. But Big Fish is one of my nicknames. Damn. They’re even getting the lucky bounces. (Point, Big Fish 1-0)

Funnier: Admittedly, the powerpoint was not without some humor, but a movie reenacting a PPT presentation in a lecture hall should be automatically disqualified from this category. (Point, Big Fish 2-0)

Better Turn: Sorry, documentary. You tried. (Point, Big Fish 3-0)

Better Ending: Yeah, it’s almost time to call the fight. (Point, Big Fish 4-0)

Better Message: Hold on! Don’t throw in the towel just yet! This category could be called the Inconvenient Truth category. I took the train for a week. I thought about getting a bike. I went to my mechanic the same day that my muffler fell off my car. It’s already working. (Point, An Inconvenient Truth 4-1)

Poster: Two good posters to match the titles. But as cool as the Tim Burton tree is, the smokestacks billowing out a hurricane is a great, poignant metaphor. Also love the “By far the most terrifying movie you will ever see” tagline. (Point, An Inconvenient Truth 4-2)

Better Acting: OK. We didn’t really think they were gonna come back, right? There was just too much gore (in the spirit of the movie, I recycled that joke). (Point, Big Fish 5-2)

More Creative: Not just a documentary. But a documentary of a PPT. (Point, Big Fish 6-2)

Watch again: Tough one. I watch Big Fish all the time, but I’d kinda like to see An Inconvenient Truth again to really get it all. Of course, I did that with Inside Job and I think I understood less the second time. What the heck, it doesn’t really matter and I’m not above point shaving for the bookies. (Point, An Inconvenient Truth 6-3)

Overall: No Northern Iowa in the Philadelphia Bracket. Of course, Body of Lies did get to the Sweet 16 at a 7 bug rating. But that was like the NFC West. Somebody’s got to win it.

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Bridesmaids vs. Body of Lies

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Bridesmaids vs. Body of Lies

Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets girl back. This describes neither of these movies. Unless you consider Kristen Wiig a guy or the Jordanian intelligence a girl. Bridesmaids squeaked by The Illusionist based on the fact that it wasn’t The Prestige and Body of Lies beat up a documentary in at least three categories where it just needed to exist to get a point. In the immortal words of the Black-Eyed Peas, let’s get retarded!

Title: I’m just not going to go for movies that simply say what the movie is about. I understand the need for branding purposes, but you’re going to lose a point in this pointless contest. Sorry. (Point, Body of Lies 0-1)

Funnier: There aren’t a lot of movies that Bridesmaids isn’t funnier than. This isn’t one of them. (Point, Bridesmaids 1-1)

Better Turn: Once again, Bridesmaids had that turn echo thing going on. Didn’t I just see that exact same scene? Default point. (Point, Body of Lies 1-2)

Better Ending: I’m as big a Wilson Phillips fan as the next lesbian, but I’m not going to defend the Hollywood circle jerk. (Point, Body of Lies 1-3)

Better Message: Ugh. Eenie meenie miney, hopefully it doesn’t matter because I refuse to think this any longer. (Point, Bridesmaids 2-3)

Better Acting: I do love how Kristen Wiig can dislocate her collarbone in the name if humor, but I occasionally forget how good of an actor Russell Crowe is because he’s a movie star. (Point, Body of Lies 2-4)

Poster: Yes, this movie has Leo and Russell in it. I’m not so sure that I didn’t just design this poster in my head thinking about the movie. That’s not a compliment. (Point, Bridesmaids 3-4)

Watch again: I feel like I owe Body of Lies another watch since I know I didn’t get it all the first time through. That said, I have a feeling I’m going to want to see Wiig and Melissa McCarthy and their fart and non-fart jokes when it comes out on DVD (or streaming Netflix if I’m lucky). (Point, Bridesmaids 4-4)

More Creative: Body of Lies wasn’t exactly Memento, but I’m pretty sure Bridesmaids is just a remake of The Hangover. (Point, Body of Lies 4-5)

Overall: Well, that’s an upset for those paying attention. For whatever that’s worth. Really, it just makes the road that much easier for Big Fish. Let’s be honest.

Double Feature Duel (Rd 2): Stranger Than Fiction vs. The Rookie

Double Feature Duel (Rd 2):
Stranger Than Fiction vs. The Rookie

Seldom have two teams had more inferior opponents in the first round than Stranger than Fiction and The Rookie just had. Thankfully, I didn’t watch Shattered Glass and The Tourist back-to-back. Someone would have had to have technically won that diarrhea mess of a contest. Drink up!

Title: I like the minimalist tongue in cheek attitude of The Rookie. I also like the layers and layers of tongue out of cheek cunning in Stranger than Fiction. And I actually prefer my tongues out of cheeks, especially when followed by the word “cunning.” (Point, Stranger 1-0)

Funnier: Between the clever dialogue and the creative story, I almost forgot Will Ferrell is normally a dufus who falls on shit. (Point, Stranger, 2-0)

Better Turn: Last time I heard a voice telling me I was going to die, it turned out to be Char hiding in my closet. Not Harold Crick. More intrigue with this, though it was weird how Char was wearing a hockey mask and in North Carolina at the same time. (Point, Stranger 3-0)

Better Ending: Go figure a movie about a woman who can’t figure out how to end her book was written by a guy who couldn’t figure out how to end his movie. And The Rookie had its ending written for it by life already, though it definitely did the moment justice with the contrast of chaos and humility in Quaid’s final scene on the mound. (Point, Rookie 3-1)

Better Message: I’m not sure there’s a takeaway from Stranger Than Fiction other than “wow, that was cool.” Certainly not one that can compete with “It’s never too late to believe in your dreams,” as it says on The Rookie’s poster. Especially not in the eyes of someone balding and rapidly approaching 40. (Point, Rookie 3-2)

Better Acting: I love Dennis Quaid. Innerspace will hold a special place in my heart always. But Will Ferrell stunned the world by stepping out of his falling-on-shit persona to play this three dimensional character with a goal. Props to him. And not the kind you fall on. (Point, Stranger 4-2)

Poster: The sun is setting but it isn’t dark yet. “It’s never too late to believe in your dreams.” Silhouette of the star by himself. If this was 1995, it would be on my dorm room wall. (Point, Rookie 4-3)

More Creative: Not a great category to see come up if you’re a movie based on a true story about with four points against you already. Especially not against this movie. Sorry, Dennis. (Point, Stranger 5-3)

Watch again: I like me a feel-good sports story every now and then, but Stranger Than Fiction probably has another couple layers I’ll want to peel away sometime soon. (Point, Stranger 6-3)

Overall: Nice try, but it isn’t too often a Rookie gets to the Sweet 16 anyway.

Double Feature Duel (Rd 2): Das Boot vs. Requiem For a Dream

Double Feature Duel (Rd 2):
Das Boot vs. Requiem For a Dream

Hello! Welcome to the Round of 32! We’ve weeded out the crap and it’s time to get to business. Make the hard decisions I will one day get paid for. But until then, I will make these hard decisions here – for free – if for no other reason than to stave off doing anything considered productive by society. This includes joining Google Plus and figuring out what the hell it does. OK. What’s up, Das Boot and Requiem for a Dream?

Title: Das Boot is German for “The Boat.” I don’t even really know what a requiem is and that alone is better than a movie called “The Boat” in any language. Maybe if it was German for “Jelly Donut.” (Point, Requiem 0-1)

Funnier: Yikes! Everybody dies in both of these movies. But I’d say that the 3 ½ hours of Das Boot numbed whatever laugh sensors I had anyway. (Point, Requiem 0-2)

Better Turn: Both turns exposed the hopelessness of the situation. Dramatic as it was to see that the German crew had to go back out on a suicide mission immediately upon their return, the scene where the son tried to get his mom to realize she was addicted to diet pills out-hopelessed Das Boot. (Point, Requiem 0-3)

Better Ending: I just watched a really good movie last night called Das Boot. Ron: “What was it about?” It was a World War Two movie shot from the perspective of a German U Boat. Ron: “It didn’t end well, did it.” Not so much. But it did. (Point, Das Boot 1-3)

Better Message: “Don’t do drugs” vs. “Don’t mess with America.” Maybe not exactly like that, but that’s one takeaway. (Point, Das Boot 2-3)

Better Acting: Once again, Ellen Burstyn brought an unexpected thrill to this movie. I didn’t even know what the guys in the other movie were saying. In fact, how the hell did a German movie get to the second round? (Point, Requiem 2-4)

Poster: I’m not particularly affected by the giant eyeball. If they were going for disturbing, I suppose they got close enough to the target. Otherwise, the Das Boot poster, from picture quality to choice of font, shows a graininess and pixelated quality, which may just be the quality of the jpg, but is still enough to win this. I guess. (Point, Das Boot 3-4)

More Creative: The use of some creative camerawork and music along with the “Juice By Tappy” commercials made Requiem as uncomfortable to watch as Das Boot without having to be in German or last 3 ½ hours. (Point, Requiem 3-5)

Watch again: Have I mentioned yet that Requiem for a Dream wasn’t 3 ½ hours long? (Point, Requiem 6-3)

Overall: OK. We have our first Sweet 16. I wouldn’t exactly call Requiem an underdog, but mid-majors don’t usually escape the round of 16 too often. Good luck, Mason.

Double Feature Duel: The Tournament Begins

Double Feature Duel:
The Tournament Begins

You didn’t think I was going to just have these movies compete against each other in these one-on-one battles for the last few months without making it into something much more organized and annoying, did you? Regardless of what you thought, I did.

I did it because it’s one of the few opportunities I have to combine my four favorite things: movies, sports, writing, being pretentious. So I’ve taken every movie that I’ve watched since coming up with the idea and pitted them against each other, simply based on which two movies I watched most recently. NOW, I’m organizing them into a bracket of 64 to compete in an NCAA basketball-type of tournament to determine the greatest movie OF ALL TIME (of the last 64 that I’ve watched).

It’s not very exciting, I’ll admit. But one overriding factor you have yet to account for – is that I don’t care. I’m doing it. And the first 16 movies have been watched, thus enabling me to finish off the first quarter of the bracket, what I’ve decided to call “The Philadelphia Quadrant.” Follow along to see if your favorite will make it to the Final Four, scheduled to take place anytime between Thanksgiving and next Thanksgiving.

The number next to each movie on the left side is their “bug scale” ranking. For simplicity sake, just assume that means it’s their Dustin ranking out of 10. The subsequent numbers is the score of their previous victory. And the greatest thing about this is that I can do this during work and people who just glance will assume I’m doing work. Awesome!

So how does this prognosticator see The Philadelphia Quadrant shaping up? Well, based on the bug scale and knowing myself more than a little bit, I’d say it’s a likely bet that Big Fish will meet Stranger Than Fiction in the finals. But, these categories don’t always make for a cut and dry winner. That’s why they play the games. Speaking of which, in the immortal words of Marvin Gaye, let's get it on.