Review of Back to the Future

Review of Back to the Future

If you know one thing about me, you know that I get the hiccups every time I drive passed a cemetery. If you know two things, you know that I appreciate the Back to the Future series in the same way that the Hamburgler appreciates Hamburgers.

The trilogy came out on DVD back on December 17, 2002. Between Joe, Mike, Kevin and I, there were 15 copies of it given out for Christmas that year. Once the first two were opened, it was tough to disguise the surprise when someone was handed a wrapped box with a very familiar shape and weight. It was the best Christmas ever.

Almost ten years later, I finally opened the box. It seems that I have this hang up watching movies that I own unless they come on TV. Why the hell is that? I own the DVD, but I’ll only watch it when it comes on TV. In poor quality. With commercial breaks. I call it the Forrest Gump phenomenon.

Anyway, I watched the first movie. It was actually research for an assignment for class. So yes, I’m getting yet another useless degree with my time. But I thought it was now a good time to give a formal (as formal as I get) review for one of my 5 favorite movies of all time.

Here’s why I love this movie. It gets you with two stories that blend so seamlessly together that you don’t realize it. Marty McFly is both trying to get back to 1985 and trying to get his parents back together. The movie uses a variation of the Grandfather Paradox which may erase Marty from existence and oh – by the way – destroy the space-time continuum in the process if he doesn’t get his parents back together. If he completes that task, he must then find a way back to the future by harnessing the energy from a bolt of lightning. Failing this will not directly ruin the Universe, but it would still suck really bad because he has a date with a girl. The scheduled lightning strike (cleverly written into the story) gives Marty a deadline to get his parents back together. And it just so happens, the Fish Under the Sea Dance is on the same night as the storm. Perfect for the rising action at the end of the second act. Do these storylines make sense in the world of physics? The movie is about time travel. So no. But they make perfect sense within the world the movie creates. Which is what really matters.

Save for a silly line about the future earth’s gravitational pull and a bad special effect involving a disappearing hand, this movie was perfect. And then some. 10.5 bugs (out of 10)

Inside the Head of a Performer IV: The Remount - Part 1

Inside the Head of a Performer IV: The Remount – Part 1
Logic, Luck and Love

I’ve apparently written over 7,000 words on the first five-day run of Logic, Luck and Love last summer. Don’t worry. I no longer have that kind of time on my hands.

Sold out show. Atlas Theater. 250+ people in the stands at $22 each. I’d seen this large a crowd before at the Funny Bone in Cincinnati. But those people were there to see Adam Ferrara or Steve Trevino. I just had to tell five minutes of dick jokes and hand off the microphone to the people that the crowd really came to see. This time, I was Adam Ferrara. Or at least one of four Adam Ferraras.

So yeah, I was nervous. I was fine – actually feeling good – until the day before when I got a text message from Jenn (performer) saying she was just starting to get nervous. That text was a virtual computer virus because I caught her nerves just from opening the message. But it didn't really hit me until the day of.

Half an hour to show time. That’s really when it hit me. Kevin was trying on shirts and talking to Molly about something unrelated to the sheer terror of performance storytelling. I couldn't listen anymore. I went to the other section of the green room to reinforce my rib cage so my heart would be less likely to burst completely out and onto the ground. Unfortunately the three beer rule doesn't apply to theater. Not when I have other people counting on me. I don’t know why not, really. Seems sort of idealistic for no fucking reason now.

It was time. Ten minutes to curtain (a business term I've since picked up). Time to go upstairs and pace around backstage and try not to piss or shit myself. I can’t specifically say that I’ve never been this nervous, considering this is an immeasurable variable and knowing the fallibility of human memory, but I had started chewing Kevin’s fingernails.

I peeked out from behind the curtain at the growing crowd. There are several parts of my opening monologue where I need to call out people in the audience and connect with them through eye contact so I could project my desires onto them. They don’t need to be too specific, but I need one to not be obese (“no fatties”) and another to be female (“the willingness to perform certain… sexual… acts”) – preferably hot – and I’d like to know before I walk out there where I can look to find these people. After the rehearsal, I wasn’t sure how far I’d be able to see into the crowd. It got pretty dark out there and since I was first up, my eyes would have no time to adjust.

ANYWAY, I peeked from behind the curtain, something Kevin does often, but the two ladies see as unprofessional. And then I saw the middle section third row. From right to left (how I saw them) was Ashley (my cousin’s girlfriend), Johnnie (cousin), Uncle John, Aunt Joyce, Jenn (fiancée), Meatwad, and his date (or so I assumed and was wrong). I owned that middle section third row. And something honestly unprecedented happened.

I had a sense of calm. I got this. This show is going to be awesome. And easy. I had been walloping my lines into my gray matter all week long and I felt a confidence I hadn't ever felt before. In anything. I probably never had any material that I had rehearsed even a tenth as much as this stuff. And as opposed to last summer, I wasn't just done writing it the week before. I stopped the constant rehearsing of the opening act I’d been doing in my head for the last 25 minutes. I knew I’d be fine out there. Not only that, but I knew I’d be able to be in the moment out there, talking to the crowd. Not thinking about the next line as I’m saying this one. Thus making it more real. I felt a cocky. Which happened to be good for my character. This was better than OK.

Amy came up, said some stuff, introduced us, and I was ready to go. The music started. Quietly. Too quietly. Something was wrong. We were on opposite ends of the stage. Both sides missed the cue but thankfully we came out at the same time. And when we walked on stage, there was a wave of applause. That had never happened before. This was going to be easy.

(to be continued tomorrow (hopefully))

Baby's First Photo Shoot

This is the group photo we decided to use for our 2010 Capital Fringe Festival show, Logic, Luck and Love, scheduled at Goethe Institut on the dates listed on the right column of this very web page. Kevin plays the gay guy, Jenn plays the straight gal, Molly plays the gay gal and I've been typecast as the straight guy. And in DC, that was the toughest role to cast. We were all supposed to dress like our characters and apparently my character is an unshaven, unkempt visor-wearer who doesn't read e-mails all the way through to find out why he's supposed to come to rehearsal dressed in his stage attire. So this was my first ever professional photo shoot and I hadn't even showered in 2 days. Thankfully it wasn't one of those cameras that picks up scent. Anyway, I certainly expect you all to come to one of our showings, especially because I know only Tom and my girlfriend read this. Tom, please bring a date. Thanks.

Top 15 Quotes of the Moment

First of all, I’d like to thank those of you who have written me back in the last couple weeks. It means a lot that you all are still alive. Seriously, thanks for keeping in touch. Most replies were from people I haven’t spoken to in many years, including a quote from the past from Jeff Menago, my former fake high school twin who had an actual real twin who looked nothing like him. But he’s a Cowboy fan in Eagles territory, so it’s like he’s not even real anyway. I’ll make sure to get that one in when I can. And for the rest of you, thanks again. I’ll write you back when I’m done what I have decided to call “ignoring you.”

“If at the end of a joke, you have to say ‘You had to be there,’ you shouldn’t have told the joke in the first place.” This is a cardinal rule of comedy that will be published in a book on the subject that I will likely never write. It’s basically what you say at the end of a story that isn’t funny now because it required the audience to be present at the time of the joke. A few friends and I came up with it back in high school and it is also known as the “Sean Dallesandro Axiom.” He used that phrase so much, I don’t think he knew what it meant. Anytime he needed to back out of an unfunny comment. Even knock knock jokes. So the fact that I’m about to disclose the Top 15 Quotes of the Moment of the Last 15 Years is pure hypocrisy. Maybe you had to be there for some of these. I was there for all of them and they were damn funny in the approximate order that I randomly put them in. And like Steve Martin said in his book, this is where real humor resides. Not in stand-up comedy with a contrived context and obvious vocal cues to the audience to laugh. I only hope that you didn’t need to be there for all these to be funny or I’m no better than Sean Dallesandro.

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Top 15 Quotes of the Moment

#15

Well, I'm gonna stay in Boone for this next quote in hopes that I'll never have to take you guys back here. Chris went up to the ATM worrying that it was going to laugh at his puny little Maryland bank. He came back to the car excited and with money. The following conversation ensued...

Quote Of the Day 3/30/99

Tanis: "So it didn't laugh at your bank?"
Tony: "Of course not. Nobody laughs at Chevy Chase. Did you see Fletch?"

I've always been more of a Steve Guttenburg fan myself.

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#14

The office is a fun place to work. Lots of characters around. Geoff and Heidi were having a conversation last week about something which is fairly irrelevant now. But here's how the conversation ended...

Quote Of the Day 10/23/00

Geoff: "You're nuts, Heidi."
Heidi: "No, Geoff. You're nuts. In fact, you're the definition of nuts."
Geoff: "I'll show you the definition of nuts..."


It's a wonder he had to go to sexual harassment training classes.

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#13

Anyway, I was telling my dad my theory on why casinos make money when I got back from Reno. In a nut shell, here it is: See, when you're up $200, you could always be up $300, or even $900. You can always go higher into the positive. But if you start out with $400 and you get to a point where you have $0, you are done. There's a sense of closure…

Quote Of the Day 1/19/01

"Oh, I get it. So there's closure... and then shortly thereafter there's foreclosure."
-The Dad


Spoken like an experienced gambler.

---

#12

Well, when I first met Drew, we gave each other those Indian nicknames I mentioned above. Nick also wanted to be part of our clan. The following day, we were sitting outside waiting for X-Country practice to start and we were trying to think of names. Usually, when a child is born in that culture, they name the children after the first thing they see, like "Running Brook," or "Two Frogs Trying To Mate On A Small Rock In The Middle Of That Running Brook" and stuff like that. So as I said this, we looked up to see what was in front of us. Robyn Gaylon, a real sexy cheerleader just happened to be standing right in front of us bending over with her short-ass skirt on to stretch or whatever. We didn't care why. Nick said to me without turning his head away "Dustin, I have my name." I smiled, and also not looking away, I replied "What's that, Nick?"

Quote Of the Day 9/20/99

"Sprouting Weasel"
-Sprouting Weasel

This is actually remarkably similar to how "Extendo" came about.

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#11

You know, rooming with Billy makes quote of the day so much easier. I could probably have a quote of the day and a Billy of the day if I so desired. Well, this came up in a conversation with Mark about why beastiality wasn't natural (don't ask)...

Quote Of the Day 9/23

Mark: "Guy and a dog, can't make a kid."
Billy: "Yeah, but they can make a cat."


And we let Billy experiment with test tubes.

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#10

After a long day of playing 4 volleyball matches on Saturday, the team took a trip to the Olive Garden for a nice team bonding dinner. We were all starving and we didn't see food until about 45 minutes after we sat down. This turned out to be a problem. Clint and I were both famished and couldn't think of anything else. He suggested that we start drawing straws to see who we were going to kill and eat like in that movie Alive. That's not exactly what they did in Alive, but that's not the point. Anyway, we started picking out potential people to eat. We couldn't eat Milky because we needed him for the games on Sunday, and Drew was just too skinny for our hunger. He suggested Driz...

Quote Of the Day 11/18/99

Me: "I don't know. Is it really safe to eat Driz?"
Clint: "Sure... I mean, we eat cows."

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#9

Anyway, I was recently playing hold em online with my dad and got an ace-four. I told him I didn't want to call because I had an ace with a poor kicker...

Quote of the Day 2/7/05

"That's not a kicker. That's not even a punter."
-The dad.

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#8

I went to a club with a few people last Thursday, and outside the door, there existed this guy yelling "If you're over 21, get in this line... If you're under 21, get in this line" as he pointed to 2 different lines. Aaron turned to me and said...

Quote Of the Day 12/21/00

"Well, what if you're 21?"
-A-Rock


Aaron had to leave.

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#7

Well, I have a follow-up to the last chicken finger joke, and this one is by the same guy on a completely separate occasion. We were eating at Pizzeria Unos in Maryland on my birthday, and we saw an item in the menu called "chicken thumbs." Well, this set Craig into "joke mode" and there was just no turning him back...

Quote Of the Day 1/7/99

"Chicken thumbs!?! What the hell is that? (turns to waitress) You know, thanks to you guys, there are thumbless chickens running around out there like this (hold hands up with thumbs concealed behind palms) 'OOooh God! NOOooo!! Oh, if it weren't for you, we'd be able to use tools...'"
- Craig Klukus
Animal Rights Activists


He went on, but his attempts to cut his steak without thumbs can only translate so well over e-mail.

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#6

There are two brothers, Kevin and Erick. Erick has a girlfriend who, through some extraordinary stroke of luck, isn't dumb, and likes him (sounds like a contradiction there). Anyway, she bought him a tiny little thingy thing for Christmas. It was wooden, about 6 inches tall, and had a series of little ramps that if you dropped a little tiny silver ball on the top one, it would go down to the next one, and to the next one, and through about five or six of these ramps all the way to the bottom. The thingy thing came with its own little tiny silver balls that were the perfect shape to slide down this wooden piece of... work. It's not a very complex piece of machinery. Well, Kevin, Erick's younger brother, says "Wow, neat!" and proceeds to pick up one ball at a time and drop them on the top ramp and watches in amazement as they all make their way down to the bottom, where Kevin would pick them up from and repeat the process. As he picks up another ball and watches it roll down the simple model, Kevin asks...

Quote Of the Day 2/17

Kevin: "HEY! Is this a perpetual motion thing?"
Maria: "Yeah... If you keep doing it."


Kevin is a psychology major. That might help put things into perspective.

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#5

I was trying to explain this 9 card poker game to a few friends of mine to try to get them to play. I think I had a couple of them, but Erick had to go and resist saying that he thought the game sounded made up...

Quote of the Day 2/11/03

"Well, aren't all games made up?"
-J-Me


Apparently not.

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#4

Well, as you all possibly know already, I went to the Inner Harbor for New Years Eve with 5 guys and no chicks. Upon retrospect, that's maybe one of the few things about that night I'd change. Anyway, we wound up in the middle of the inner harbor at exactly the stroke of midnight. I think I kissed a girl I didn't and still don't know. If memory serves me correctly, I think she was surprised and not necessarily pleasantly. Ah, she'll get over it. But anyway, from there, we went to Max's, who, unbeknownst to us, was having a private party. We had no idea of this until they didn't charge us for drinks. I don't remember leaving the bar. I remember talking to a girl named Shannon who Mike later said was hot. But what the hell would he know, he doesn't remember leaving the bar either. Apparently we wrestled on the way home and I pinned him and then proceeded to shove his head into the mulch repeatedly. That's the kind of crap you wish you could remember. Oh well. We were reminiscing about the events of the previous night (that which we could recall) at the International House of Hangovers, and Tony sarcastically interjected...

Quote of the Day 1/15/01

Tony: "Dustin, at one point, you were hitting on a lamppost."
Me: "Well, she was hot."
Mike: "Yeah, but not very bright."


But she was probably at least 18.

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#3

Well, the coolest part of the night was the dinner that we got. It was very good, and they had lots of glasses and forks that I didn't know what to do with. Anyway, I got some chicken and a salad and cheesecake, and lemon cake, and blah, blah, blah. I started eating and after like my second bite, I peaked at Heather and she was using a different kind of fork to eat her salad. Well, I found out I was using the wrong fork already...

Quote Of the Day 4/30

Me: "Damnit. I'm on my second bite and I already started using the wrong fork."
Hassan: "That's OK. I already ate my cake."


And I think he used the salad fork to do it too.

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#2

This quote came from a conversation I had with Evil Lance McFreelander as he was in the process of signing his contract a few weeks ago with Little Boy Hair Girl (I need to start re-nicknaming my friends again). Anyway, he was trying to describe to me the state of being his relationship with Teresa was in...

Quote of the Day 2/14/01

Me: "So are you guys exclusive now?"
Mike: "Well... kinda."
Me: "Well, if she goes out with somebody else, would you get pissed?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Me: "And if you go out with somebody else, would she get pissed?"
Mike: "Gosh, I hope not."


Where do I sign?

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#1

I had an internship last year and there was about a span of three weeks when I didn't have a car, and so I needed Proz to wake up and drive me there at 7 in the morning every Tuesday and back again around 5 or something. Well, we were driving back home after a long ass day and we passed a Saab. I started telling him that the ignition to a Saab is down between the driver's side and passenger's side of the seats. I then began to tell him that I knew this because we have a Saab. Well, we don't really have one, but my uncle from Maine, who isn't technically my uncle, went to Spain indefinitely, and... (he cut me off)

Quote Of the Day 2/7&8

"Wait, wait, wait. Is this another Saab story?"
-The slightly smarter half of Dumb and Uglier


I don't think I ever finished my story.

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That’s it. 15 years of unscripted humor wrapped up into a ten minute block of congealed awesome. And just in time for me to go watch my bracket implode. Stay tuned next week whenI veer off the Quote Path and bring you the hugely anticipated Top 15 Awesome Moments of the Last 15 Years (anticipated by who, exactly?). And yes, these will be moments in Dustinland, not worldly events like the moon landing, which I’d be willing to bet took place more than 15 years ago anyway. So stop back in to check on that. And feel free to call and remind me this week if you know of any. Right now, I think I can think of 3.


Still Standing Right Here...

Fanhood

Fanhood

OK. So everybody's a Red Sox fan now. I'll admit, I liked seeing them beat up on the Yankees. It's always fun to see the Yankees lose, especially when they do it worse than anyone ever has before. But all of a sudden, everybody is walking around wearing Damon and Ortiz jerseys. In Baltimore too! This entire city has pledged to hate the Yanks and the Sox in the regular season. And I need to clear the air about something here before I continue. There are some people who believe that you are born into being a Skins fan, etc., and you can't ever root for anyone else under penalty of perjury. Kind of like the way religion does it (cheap shot, I know). Well, I'm not necessarily one of those people. If you like somebody, go ahead and root for them. Make your own decisions. Just don't claim that you liked them for any period of time since before game 5 of the ALCS. Then you're a liar. I have two friends that currently live in Boston and they are allowed to be Boston fans (Note to Kevin: they're the baseball team everybody's been turning over cars in celebration of the past few weeks). Everybody else is just trying to steal a piece of the action, just like me. And that's fine. Until you try to sell yourself as a faithful. Kinda like the way all these Tom Brady jerseys are popping up all over the place. I guess there's just something about that state. I suppose all the Republicans will be wearing Kerry jerseys after he wins the election. I don't think anybody will be buying any Bruins crap for a while.

So I know I disappeared for a while again. It's not an accident that it coincided with when I got a DVR in my bedroom. Pair that up with the NFL Network and that means I may never leave my apartment again. I just got done watching the 92 Bills/Oilers Wild Card game. And I have like every episode of CSI and Without a Trace waiting for when I finally get the time to watch them. I found myself recording shit like Tremors 4, which I didn't even know existed, just in case I felt like watching it sometime. I didn't. And I had to delete it to be able to fit in all the episodes of Desperate Housewives. I wish I was kidding.

Quote of the Day 11/1/04

"That car sucked. It was like driving a fart."

-Ryan Bowman, starting FB for Firehouse football


Yeah, it was kinda like running behind one of his blocks. (I don't know what that means)

Trying to get back into it,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...

Braking, Breaking, Broken

Braking, Breaking, Broken

I'm gonna tell this story from my perspective, because that's the way it happened to me.

I was in our new hangout called Fox & Hound with Kevin, Erick, Mike, and this girl Allison I barely just met. Anyway, we were playing pool and Kevin was in the off rotation and decided to take this chance to go to his truck and get his pool stick. About 5 minutes into the game I just started, Kevin comes running in and hits me really hard in the shoulder and says "get the fuck out here" or something like that and immediately turned around and started running back outside. Now, Kevin has never steered me wrong so I don't question it and just start running with him through this crowded pool hall, through the bar on my way outside. So I'm figuring we're going to fight for whatever reason. Maybe somebody stole Kevin's pool cue or broke into his car or hit on his bartender, whatever. So I'm mentally prepping myself for this fight. While I'm on my way out, I hear over the loud speaker throughout the entire bar "Can the owner of a maroon station wagon please come to the front desk. Your car is rolling through the parking lot." So it's embarrassing enough that I drive a station wagon, but now it's broadcast all through the building. Not only that, but now it's drifting through the parking lot somehow. And I'm running through the bar/pool hall behind a guy in cowboy boots and everybody is staring at me. So now everybody knows that I drive a station wagon with a faulty emergency brake. Apparently, the brake isn't strong enough to prevent the car from rolling when it isn't pulled up. I should really write to the manufacturer about that. It's a hazard for people who occasionally forget to put their emergency brakes on. Thankfully I was smart enough to park in a spot uphill from someone who was fortunate enough to have a parking brake that functioned properly. When that guy left, however, my car started drifting toward the owner's Beamer. Seeing this, the host of the restaurant ran out to try to stop my car. Seeing the host yell "Holy Shit!" and run outside to catch my car, Kevin also yelled "Holy Shit!" and ran out to help him. With his cowboy boots providing just enough traction to help the host, my car was caught just in time to not cost me like $13,000 in damages to the overcompensating owner of the bar (and car). Having stopped the car and not being able to really leave or move, Kev did what anyone in this day and age would do. He called me on his cell. I did not answer. When enough people found out what was going on, a few guys held the car so Kev could come get me. And that's where I last left you. So now the girl I just met and the cute waitress knew I drove a maroon station wagon with that faulty emergency brake. Thankfully I didn't have a shot with either of them anyway, so that brought a little piece of mind. If nothing else, I can always look for a little piece of mind by counting the women I don't have a shot with.

So when we got back to the pool table and I had gotten into my car and put the brake on, etc., Allison asked us what had happened. We recreated the story I just recounted for you but with 4 people telling it in a broken-narrative, Dustin-degrading sorta way...

Quote Of the Day 3/18/04

Kevin: "Shit like this always happens to us."
Allison: "Your cars always coast through parking lots?"

Well, maybe not shit EXACTLY like that.

Searching for telepathic brakes,

Drifting Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Shit That Happened To Me In The Last Year

Well, I'm gonna try to force this into my schedule since I will be in Vegas next week without all of you (except Joanna). So Tuesday is the day when I normally do this thing where I rank different things like breakfast cereals, my nicknames or ways to get money illegally. Since I haven't talked to all of you in a year, I thought I'd recap my life for you this Tuesday.

Shit That Happened To Me In The Last Year

Moved out of the city - Thank God! As cool as it is to walk to and back from Howl At the Moon without worrying about not getting too fucked up to drive home, at some point you miss the comfort that running water can give to you. And I think toward the end, my roommates just gave up on the whole cleaning thing. I walked in my kitchen and turned the light on and it looked like a fruit fly experiment. Also, my roommate's bedroom caved in because of a leak in the bathroom, so we stopped paying rent and got taken to rent court... I'll explain all this later. A-

Got conked in the head with a line drive - Yeah, so I was playing third base in my D level old man softball league and I misjudged a ball and the distance I could leap from the ground, etc, etc. The ball hit me so hard I think the left fielder ran in and almost caught it. Everybody around me was seriously worried that I'd suffer some sort of brain damage. I spent all night making sure I could remember the names of all these famous celebrities (I read this thing in my class about proper name anemia). "Shit! Who was that third guy from Three Men and a Baby? Oh crap, I can't remember him! Wait, that was Steve Guttenberg. Nobody remembers him. OK, I'm fine." But I do have a permanent flat spot on my skull. That's kinda fucked up. D

Kevin moved back to the Philly area - It's pretty sad that one of the most major changes in my life is that somebody else did something exciting. So Kevin called me on Wednesday to tell me he decided to move back into town. "Really, when?" "Friday." So he packed his crap Friday and left Oregon for good. It must be nice to be so far in debt that it doesn't matter what the fuck you do anymore. A+

Was a groomsman in John and Rachel's wedding - This was easy. All I had to do was put on a tux and show up to a church on time. The brides maids had all this hair stuff and transportation and whatnot to worry about. I just had to wash the mud out of my hair and fingernails from the football game and walk John's grandma down the isle and sit down for an hour. They make it really easy on the guys probably because they know how incompetent we are when it comes to important things. So anyway, congrats J&R and thanks. A+

The following quote was actually taken directly from John's wedding program and the reason I am using it is because it describes my relationship not only with him but also the other 249 people on this list. Anyway, so John had a few sentences about everybody in his wedding and here is an excerpt from mine...

Quote Of the Day 3/16/04

"...Dustin orbits in and out of my life at regular, comet-like intervals..."

-John and Rachel's Wedding Program

If that doesn't describe my relationship with you here, then it probably will once you graduate from UMBC.

See you in another 76 years,

Dustin Haley.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Prodigal Sorcerer Returns

The Prodigal Sorcerer Returns

So I was 45 minutes into the first episode of Joe Millionaire, which I had taped earlier tonight so I could run back to pay the rent at our place, which by the way has been heatless during the coldest six days of the year, before returning to Steph's (sorta new g/f) where we also had the season premiere of Dead Zone from last night to watch afterwards, when suddenly I realized... my television watching addiction has gotten out of hand (so has this sentence). I blame the media. But seriously, I actually blame my VCR. I thought the realization that I could videotape stuff that I missed would help my social life, because now I could go out and watch Law & Order: Underwater Crimes when I got back from wherever I would have went if I had this theoretic social life and instead skip some of my other addictions. Like sleep (and work). But what has happened instead is that I've become a master of the record timer, setting up sometimes 6 programs in one night so I can watch them all when I get back from work. Steph loves this. I have over 65 hours of backlogged tapes to watch when I'm finished this e-mail. And 15 minutes of those belong to a show called Joe Millionaire, the rock bottom epitome of all reality TV shows (the rock bottom of TV as it is). And so I realized the former addiction that I've been neglecting for so long. That's where you guys come in.

So I'm gonna try to keep doing this again (yeah, right) to stay away from such horrible habits. I'm sure if my parents knew I was watching Joe Millionaire, they'd probably rather I was on crack. So anyway, I was talking to Kevin, who is in the Seminary, preparing to be a minister (that's actually not a joke) and we were watching the news on any given night of the week and heard that another priest was caught pulling an R. Kelly (but with a boy, of course). So I asked Kevin what the difference between a minister and a priest was with respect to altar boys...

Quote Of the Day 1/6/03

"Ministers don't get caught."

-He of the future cloth


Man I hope God has a sense of humor.

Back again,

Slim Gimpy.


Still Standing Right Here...

Spastic Man

Spastic Man

Well, sorry again, but my computer went on the IR again. But on the plus side, you guys seem to be getting more tolerant and understanding of the over-two-month lapses in the quote's schedule. And you're also a lot less surprised for some reason.

So hey. I just got back from visiting a few friends that moved out to Portland, OR (yes, I have friends that stupid). Actually, the place is really pretty. Lots of trees and grass and shit if you're into that. No football team to speak of, but they do have cable if push comes to shove. They are only an hour away from Eugene which is just basically more pretty stuff. And then there's the cold part of the Pacific Ocean. If I were Lewis, I would've ditched Clark and headed south for Sunset Boulevard. Lots more chicks in bikinis on roller skates and shit if you're into that.

Joking aside, it was beautiful out there. 78 and breezy most of the time. And the "rain" they talk about it doing all the time out there is like the equivalent of spray coming off a trucks tire at you. It ain't like east coast rain. Out here, when it rains, it poors. Hey! That phrase really does have a little merit to it. But anyway, I left there and flew into BWI at 6:31 at night. The pilot warned us, but I was hoping he was lying. Sure enough, it was 91 degrees and 85% humidity. I think I actually tripped over the air. It sucked. And I was jet lagged. Well, my normal sleep schedule usually gets me lagged about twice a week anyway, so that was easy to bounce back from. But I had to go to work the next day and everything. Man, I'm never going on vacation again.

On the plus side, while I was out there, I got a dose of self-realization. Not necessarily in the spiritual sense, but my friend's wife pretty much put me in my place in the most exact way I think I've ever been described, word for word. I was trying to defend the point that I was relatively laid back when I'm not with Kevin, Joe and/or Mike. Kevin didn't buy it. Tanis hasn't known me since middle school, so she was more apt to believe...

Quote Of the Day 6/10/02

"Well, I guess you have the potential to not be this spastic all the time."

-Tanis, holder of the whip


I have the "POTENTIAL"... not to be THIS spastic... ALL the time.

Portland's newest superhero,

Spastic Man.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Women's Hair Color

Rating Women's Hair Color

Blonds - OK. Blonds are typically looked at as the sexiest hair color in women. About 85% of guys are looking for a tall blond woman, or something like that. Lots more girls dye their hair blond to try to impress more guys (and girls) than other colors. I'd like to dispel this rumor. But I can't. As much as I try to have a different favorite hair color, it's hard. Don't know what it is, but the media is right sometimes. They missed the boat on wrestling completely, but blonds are fun to look at. A

Brunettes - Brunettes span the attractive woman superlatives. They can be cute or sexy, pretty or exotic, Treat Her Right or Back That Ass Up. I guess blonds can be too, and so can redheads too for that matter, but there's something about Charlotte from Sex & the City that just does it for me over the rest of them. Of course, Miranda isn't really representing redheads that well. Anyway, brunettes have that look in their eye like they've got it all together. I don't know what I'm talking about. A

Redheads - I've always had a redhead fetish as far as I can remember, and I don't know why. A girl with red hair for some reason gets a little leeway in other areas (such as the face) with me just because she's got red hair. I don't know why that is, but I'm sure I seem like a superficial prick to all of you now. Well, I figure you all know me well enough by now anyway. Besides, it's a subconscious decision, which makes me a subconscious prick, which probably isn't any better at all. A

Bald chicks - Well, I've only ever actually known and spoke to one bald chick and she was big and frightened me before she was bald, so it would be unfair to say I'm intimidated by all bald chicks, but based on the fact that they are still female, the can't get below an A -. A -

Greenheads - OK. These girls get below an A-. Same with orange, pink, purple, teal, etc. That just screams "FREAK." Except for that girl on Temptation Island. I think she's my favorite. But that's just the exception, thus proving the rule. D

While home in PA on another hot tub night, Teresa brought up how close we all seemed to be as friends, but also how incestuous we are with dating all the same people. It's like that Kevin Bacon game getting from one of us to another. Except Kevin. Kevin can definitely claim he's not incestuous. He went on to explain that it was just a choice...

Quote Of the Day 1/16/01

"Because I couldn't get any of your girls and nobody wanted mine. Remember Collete?! Who's gonna do that?"

- Kevin


I said it was a choice. I didn't say it was his choice.
Also, I'd like to commend him on a proper use of the word "that."

In search of a blond brunette redhead,

The Extendinator.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of "Unbreakable"

Review of "Unbreakable"

I haven't done this in maybe 6 or 7 months, but I used to do a movie review every Friday. Now that I've found out that we get free pay-per-view for some lucky reason, I don't think I'll run out of material. Anyway, I saw the new M. Knight Shyamalan flick with Bruce Willis that might as well have been the sequel to Sixth Sense. It's not a sequel, in case I've confused anyone, but I was looking forward to a really good movie again, being as though these two teamed up to make my favorite movie of all time last year. So I went in with impossible expectations. Here's what happened:

I liked it. A lot. But I can't tell you why. I can't really tell you anything about the film without giving it away. It can be slow and plot developing in parts, but it's worth not sleeping through those parts to watch the other parts make a lot more sense. A lot of you will like it and think it's really awesome. A lot of you will be bored and probably not get unbored. But I can't say anything about the film without letting one or two cats out of the bag. The trailer, which is pretty much the first 5 minutes of the film, sums it up pretty good. Train Wreck. Everyone's dead but Bruce. He's miraculously unharmed. Samuel L. Jackson has a bad haircut. Weird.

I still recommend you all see it. I saw it the first two nights it came out and I'm ready to go again. In fact, I'd be willing to buy the ticket of anyone who wants to go see it again. However, I would require that you buy my ticket. I'm not made of money. I guess that would be like going double dutch. Anyway, the film is still awesome, possibly perfect, but not quite worthy of extra buggage (Sixth Sense got 11 bugs). I am, however, giving it the full 10 bugs. Oh yeah. It's that good.

I don't know if I ever told all you people this, but when me, Mike and Kevin travelled across the country, Mike and I wound up picking up chicks on two separate occasions. Well, Kevin was becoming antsy and insisted that the next chick we meet, he should be allowed to have first dibs on her, because it was "his turn." Well, he's married now. We were joking about that on the phone the other day about how he finally got a turn...

Quote Of the Day 11/8/00

"Marriage isn't a turn... It's a forfeit."

-Kevin DeForrest Hershey


Still Standing Right Here...

Intro to the Idiot Doctor

Intro to the Idiot Doctor

Hey everybody. Sorry I haven't written in a while. That blanket statement spans quotes, personal e-mails, typed and faxed and/or mailed letters, hand written notes passed back in forth in class, and Windows NE version 2.1.5.6. I got some bad news about my foot last week. When I first got the surgery, I wasn't given a prescription for antibiotics. I asked her (the surgeon) if she was sure that I didn't need one, and she said I'd be fine. Then she did that thing I told you about where she shoved my foot very disaggreeably into the boot at 90 degrees and told me to walk around on it without the crutches within a couple of days. She also told me to do exercises. It hurt like a bitch to walk around, but I figure, hey, she's the doc and she probably knows what she's talking about, so I'm listening to her. Besides, when she says "rerupture," I listen.

So I went back in last week, a month after surgery, so she could check on my progress. She said that the wound opened unnaturally much and I may need to go back to the OR room to get it stapled back up. Which would put me back in a plaster cast and basically start me at square one of the healing process, at least as far as how much time it's going to take. In the meantime, I'm to take antibiotics (I was right), use my crutches as often as possible, set my brace back another 20 degrees, and stop doing my exercises or moving it at all. I find out tomorrow if I need to go back to square one. A lot of people are telling me if I do, I should think about malpractice. Which means "bad practice." Why do they call it practice? Doctors practice and lawyers try. Who the fuck just actually DOES shit anymore? I guess the term actually DOING something is reserved for the blue collared folk.

Hey. I got a little sidetracked. Malpractice. If they comp the extra surgery, I'll be fine, but if they charge me for it, I'm looking into malpractice. I don't think I told a lot of you this, but I don't have health insurance and I'm paying for this all out of my own very shallow pocket. Anesthesia alone cost me $740. Mind you it was good stuff and I don't remember a damn thing, but I don't remember a damn thing from my last night in Reno either, and I'm pretty sure that was just rum and beer and vodka and some other red stuff. But I did throw up all over the place, which I doubt the hospital would have appreciated too much.

Hey, I got sidetracked again. Anyway, I was in a bad mood most of last week and spilling through to the weekend and today because of all this crap and I was in no mood to type. Especially Windows NE version 2.1.5.6 code. So I didn't really write to anybody. But on a lighter note, Kevin just recently got married in Portland. We all went out to dinner after the wedding and Kevin ordered a shot of JD. The waiter carded him, and Kevin stuck out his hand and showed him his wedding band...

Quote Of the Day 9/25/00

"Well, I don't know. You could be from Arkansas."

-Waiter dude.


Substituting West Virginia for Arkansas would probably suffice for people around the MD/PA area.

Coming apart at the seams,

Achilles Heal.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Achilles and the Broken Elevator

Achilles and the Broken Elevator

Wanna hear something funny? It's also not gross like that last funny thing I sent, which I feel like I need to apologize for again. Anyway, I broke the elevator in the RAC. I was hanging out at our men's volleyball practice, a little too tempted to go out onto the court in my crutches, I might add, when all of a sudden, I noticed that I lost Blue. Blue is a stuffed dog from Blues Clues, a kids TV show with a host named "Steve" who allegedly looks a lot like me. Anyway, the last day of camp, one of my girls got me a small stuffed Blue with magnetic paws. I realized very early on that he easily fit his paws around my crutch so that, as Good Joe pointed out, he was humping it. I like it a lot. Very cute to win over chicks with the cute pity factor, yet subtly seductive. I actually haven't been able to capitalize on any of the pity yet. But I still got a couple months. If anybody has suggestions, I'm willing to take them.

So anyway, I noticed Blue was missing, and I had become very attached to this guy, almost quite literally. So I panicked and ran around looking for him. I found him in the crack of the elevator, which I promptly pried open to rescue the poor magnetic inanimate object. I hit the elevator button to try to get him out first, and it wouldn't work. So I guess technically Blue broke the elevator. But it's broken. And O Hernrily as it is, now I, the one person in the entire building that really, REALLY needs the elevator, has to take the stairs because Blue broke it. I must have missed this episode. Fucking dog.

I don't even think Mike was drinking before he said this one, so I just have to attribute it to stupidity. Mike, Joe, and I were cleaning up Kevin's apartment (Mike and I were sitting down on the couch, and Joe was cleaning up) and Joe ran across a coke can on the table that was apparently a little more full than he had thought it was going to be. He said something like "whoa" or gasped or did something to draw enough attention to himself that Mike jumped in asking what was up...

Quote Of the Day 9/5/00

Joe: "There's an almost full coke can on the table."
Mike: "Is it open?"


Gosh, I hope so.

Falling down the stairs,

Black and Blue.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Kevin's Last Dance Before Execution

Kevin's Last Dance Before Execution

I lost a very close friend to marriage last month. And for those of you who have yet to experience a REALLY good friend's wedding, it's a lot different than an uncle's or distant cousin's wedding or something like that. It's kinda really sad to know I'll never see Kevin again, but at the same time it's uplifting realizing that it wasn't me that it happened to. Joe, Mike and I flew out to Portland to see him off. The wedding was fairly uneventful for the most part. Well, uneventful in the respect that the entire ceremony was possibly the biggest event in the lives of at least 2 people, but you probably know what I mean. At any rate, standard stuff, angelic music, lots of flash photography, long white dress, etc. And Kevin almost made it through the entire thing. They did the I do thing and on their way out, Kevin looked at his mom and started crying. We happened to be seated right behind his mom. My theory is that he actually saw us, knew it was too late for him to turn back now, and started crying out of jealousy of our freedom. Or something like that. Or maybe the wedgie he couldn't pick for the whole hour finally got too much for him to bare. At any rate, I won't be walking the plank for a long time, I'll tell you all that much.

I do have one serious critique about the whole process, however. His best man was his brother, Erick. That's not the critique. But the best man has in my opinion, two MAJOR responsibilities. Making sure he remembers the ring, and throwing a kick-ass bachelor party the last day before dying. Well, come the night before the wedding, there was nothing. What the hell is that? Erick wasn't even around. Me, Mike and Joe went out and got beer and played cards with him. Not much of a bachelor party, but we didn't know any strippers in Oregon. Or any girls for that matter. Now I said it then, but I'll say it again to everybody. I told Mike and Joe that I don't have a brother (which they already knew), so in all likelihood, one of them or Tony will be my best man. So don't fuck it up! I'm counting on you not to let me down here. If necessary, I'll hire a best man based on who I think will throw the best bachelor party for me. I think I still have Greg Norris' phone number somewhere. No, seriously, I think the bachelor party should be one last yee-haa of being single and it should last a whole week. Everybody got that? And I'll be disappointed if I don't get embarrassed in the best man toast at the reception. I may change my mind about that one. But not the stripper idea or some relatively equivocal replacement.

Kevin did do one good thing for us all. He knew his 3 single friends were flying a couple thousand miles to see him for an entire week, so he did what any self-respecting friend would do in such a case. He tried to set us up with different girls out there. He was telling me on the phone that the girl he found for Mike was a short waitress with nice... personalities, and the girl he had for Joe was a tall, blond, drop-dead-gorgeous stewardess...

Quote Of the Day 9/1/00

"and yours is... really funny."

-The married guy formerly known as Kevin


Gee thanks. She's probably very punctual too. How's her grammar?

Single and doing it wrong,

Gimpy.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Sanko de my-Oh!

Sanko de my-Oh!

Happy fifth of May everybody!! (See, it sounds silly when you translate it.) That's right, it's sanko de my-Oh! It's just an excuse to make a lot of beef and bean burritos and drink Coronas and Margaritas until you puke on your sombreros. Whatever it takes man. Did you ever wonder if this is what other countries do on the 4th of July? Sit around and get fucked up on Coors Light and corn? I'll bet they don't even have fireworks. And not too many countries can sit on the tops of their roof and see ours.

I'm too tired to think of anything else anybody said, so I just broke out the journal from last summer's trip. This quote came when I went to look for my wallet in the van to go to a McDonalds at a rest stop around Denver somewhere. Keep in mind two things; my propensity for losing my wallet and the fact that the last time I remembered having had it was in Los Angeles, and that's a far drive just to see if it's there. So I panicked a little bit. Thankfully, Kevin gave me some news to calm me down...

Quote of the Day 5/5/99

"Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you that I moved it. Actually, I didn't forget to tell you that. I just forgot that I would have to tell you in order for you to know where it was."

-Kevin


An extended hand and the word "Here" would have sufficed.

All caught up and going home,

Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Funny Money

Funny Money

Sorry about the delay guys, but that last message gave me a hernia. That and I went on Spring Break. Me, Tony, and Meawad high tailed it outta Baltimore and made a B-line for sunny Florida. But we stopped in Boone, NC first, and as Drew, my Bennigans colleague put it, "why?" Well, in anticipation of having an excruciatingly exciting week, we figured that we'd begin by depleting our senses of all extraneous stimulation. And that's when we wound up bowling in Boone.

So anyway, since I've lived in the area for about 6 years now, I'm kinda numb to hearing it anymore, but for those of you who don't know, there's a city in MD called Chevy Chase. I don't know why, but there is. This is common knowledge to me and everybody in Maryland, but some
hick-type folk local to Boone have no idea of this city. Well, Tony, Wadzilla, and me were in Boone visiting a friend from home in PA who goes to school there, and Chris said that he needed to stop at an ATM to get money. He then grew concerned that he wouldn't be allowed to get money out because the ATM might have never heard of his bank. So Kevin asked him what his bank was called. After Chris told him, he responded...

Quote Of the Day 3/29/99

"You trust putting your money in a bank called... Chevy Chase Bank?"

-Boone Man, Come together with your ham.


And he got his lawyer from the law offices of Murray, Akroid, and Guttenburg INC.

Boone or bust,

Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...