Double Feature Duel (Championship Match): The Nines vs. Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Double Feature Duel (Championship Match):
The Nines vs. Rise of the Planet of the Apes

The championship match is finally here. A couple surprising 10-buggers square off in the final match in a great example of a good idea gone way too far. But if you’re reading this, I suppose it was all worth it. Still a fun and interesting experiment if I didn’t have a job or a wife or a hobby.

Title: Rule #3.4 section A states that any movie with more than five words or 23 total characters shall be ineligible for competition in this category. Section B continues on to explain tie-breakers in the case that two movies are ineligible. Which I don’t need to do now. (Point, Nines 1-0)

Funnier: There’s a reason Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller aren’t in either of these movies. But Ryan Reynolds puts in a great performance in the second segment to sprinkle some humor on top. (Point, Nines 2-0)

Better Turn: The “turn,” as far as its definition with respect to film terminology is concerned, is the point in which the plot develops, or the first act (character development) yields way to the second act (plot development). (Ed note: There is no film definition of “turn.” He made it up.) Anyway, I think we all know how badass I think the scene where Caesar shuts the gate is. And this is no different. (Point, Rise 2-1)

Better Ending: Both of these endings are probably in the top 27% but not the top 8%. Rise connected the dots on their way to show how the Planet of the Apes could have begun. The Nines tied together three vignettes and introduced an interesting question of the nature of creation. It’s a tough one and I appreciate how Rise was able to be a prequel of sorts to the Planet of the Apes, but I really remember (barely at this point) being blown away by The Nines’ ending. Besides, Rise is coming out with a sequel, which should devalue the ending further. (Point, Nines 3-1)

Better Message: Maybe I’ve said this before, but Rise brings up a lot of issues of both chemical testing in animals and slavery. And it bundles it up in a nice badass ape revenge movie. (Point, Rise 3-2)

Poster: Not my favorite part of The Nines. And props to Rise for staying true to the original, whilst still being original. Which was basically its entire mission statement. (Point, Rise 3-3)

Better Acting: Two Oscar nominees (Melissa McCarthy and James Franco) didn’t even put up the best performances in each movie (Ryan Reynolds and Andy Serkis). And who’s going to be the tie-breaker? Little Elle Fanning beating out John Lithgow, perhaps? Well, I haven’t been talking for a year about Ryan Reynolds being snubbed by the Oscars. So congrats Andy. Why the hell not? (Point, Rise 3-4)

More Creative: It would be easy to cash it in and just say The Nines’ vignette structure and creative handling of the subject matter and the timely release of information garners yet another award for creativity. But Rise – well, I think I just talked myself into it. (Point, Nines 4-4)

Watch again: And it’s down to this. And there’s unfortunately not much I can say about the wall Rise is about to run into to make it close. There’s no movie that I’ve already seen that I want to see again as much as The Nines. (Point, Nines 5-4)

Overall: Congrats, Nines. You are a gentleman and a scholar. And you did it the hard way. You earned it. Winner: The Nines (5-4)