Pre-QOTD Anniversary Warning

Hey guys, this one is going to be REALLY flippin' long, so you might want to go to the bathroom now. Maybe you should even go twice if you think it would help. But anyway, this next message out to explain my recent disappearance from duty. I won't be offended if you don't read it all at once. Hell, I won't even really know if you read it at all. I'm not going to quiz you or anything silly like that. So it's there if you want it. I hope you find it more fun than annoying. I was tempted to edit it when I discovered how long it was, but then I figured something along the lines of "Fuck it." And for you new kids out there, the entire message is laced with references to past quotes, so if you don't get something, just assume it was funny and move on. Anyway, here you go troops, just for you...