I don't know if I told you guys this, but sometime in late September, I was rolling down my window, and it
got stuck about halfway down. Well, being the intelligent, auto-knowledgeable
guy, I figured that all I had to do to solve the problem was press harder.
That's approximately when I heard the really loud metallic snapping noise. Then
my window started to slowly sink down into the door. I grabbed it to try to stop
it, then realized that I'd have to hold it open until somebody that knew more
about cars than I did just happened to walk by. Seeing as how I doubted this
was going to happen, I figured "ah, it's nice out. I'll just get it fixed
sometime next week."
CUT TO:
November 9, 1998. It's been about a month and a half since the window has been
up, and it's starting to really become a factor. I'm going to share a few of
the pros and cons about having one's car window stuck down 24/7:
CONS:
The cold: This is the most obvious one, as I am constantly reminded
every time I get in the damn thing. I have to actually wear extra heavy
clothing to prepare to ride in my car. And I've started supplying blankets,
parkas, and ear muffs for any unfortunate passengers. Sure their window goes
up, but it doesn't negate the fact that the entire other half of the car is exposed to the freezing
cold Novemberness of the air. And that reminds me of another thing...
Dates: It's one thing to tell one of my good friends to suck it
up and bring a scarf and mittens or something, but it becomes a problem if I
want to try to ask a pretty girl that I don't know all too well. "Hey,
baby. How bout we goze ridin in my big blue tank o looooove? Oh, and make sure
to dress warmly, if ya know what I mean *wink*." I'm having enough
problems as it is, I don't need a faulty crank to count against me (don't even
think what you're thinking).
Rain: Not only do I not have a driver's side windshield wiper,
but I have an absentee window now too. And it's still down there! I can hear it
rattle every time I shut the door, or go over a bump, or shift. It's in there
teasing me, having a grand ole time. Anyway, rain sucks. I have to lean all the
way over toward the middle of the car just to see, and then I've got to put a
towel over my left side (a towel is now a standard feature in my car) to keep
from getting drenched. I also try not to make right turns when not absolutely
necessary. And parking is a key issue. If I park it in the wide open, I'll come
back and have to get out my reserve towel just to slightly slow down the
migration of the water from the seat through my shorts, through my underwear,
to my bare ass. My cold bare ass, I might care to add, also. So I park in a
garage whenever possible (at Bennigans), and under trees, if a garage doesn't
happen to be around and the time. This, however, introduces a problem you might
not think of off the top of your head...
Autumn: Autumn has one major characteristic that distinguishes it
from most of the other seasons. This characteristic is actually how it got it's
nickname, "fall." This characteristic is that leaves change color and
fall off the trees that they had once thrived upon. I get in my car each
morning with about half of a maple tree waiting for me. I've started collecting
the leaves in hope to someday make my own tree in my trunk. I used to brush
them outside, but the following morning, I realized just how little that helps
the overall aesthetics of the car.
Safety: Thank goodness my car is a piece of shit to begin with. If
it had any redeeming qualities at all, somebody would have definitely stolen it
by now. And when most people leave their possessions in the passenger seat, or
back seat of the car if they have them there, I take them out and throw them in
the trunk. It's a pain in the ass, but you kinda get used to it. I think the
funniest thing is the accumulation of police safety warnings that I've been
getting. After the first two weeks, I think they gave up.
Dirt: Well, since I have no window, I can't really go through a
car wash, can I? Well, I suppose it's possible, but the implications of that
kinda turn me off. And seeing as how the alternative to needing to reupholster
the entire interior is just having a dirty f*cking car, I'll live with the
dirt. Actually, I've gotten in the habit of taking those windshield wiper
things at gas stations and going over the entire exterior. It turns out that
not only does this not work, but it is counterproductive to the cleanliness of
the vehicle. I don't know if any of you have tried to use windex on cold metal
before, but it streaks like a drunk Ryan McMullin. So now my car has that icky
soap residue in non-parallel streaks all over the hood, and the roof, and
everywhere else.
Self-image: I was driving down the road and looked out the window and
saw a carful of cute girls staring at me. I thought I was the man, so I waved
at them. They proceeded to laugh and sped up to never be seen again. It was
then that I remembered that I was driving with the window down in 40 degree
weather and wearing a pink knit hat and a scarf. Man, I wish I had that minute
back.
PROS:
I can never lock my keys in my car.
My window is already down at the drive-thru.
Well, those are just about all the pros and cons I
can think of off hand for the past month and a half of windowless driving. Now
I'm too tired to think of the car-related quote I was originally going to do,
but here's a better one anyway. It's about cursing in front of one's parents...
Quote Of the Day 11/9/98
"My parents let me say anything in front of them except the f word. The
only time I ever said 'fuck,' my mom hit me. Probably because I said 'fuck
you.'"
-Julie "Potty Mouth" Cole
Things we've learned today:
1) If you're window gets stuck halfway down, don't force the damn thing.
2) Don't tell Julie's mom to fuck off.
3) Ryan McMullin takes off his clothes when he drinks.
Buying stock in ear muffs,
Freezing Cricket.
Still Standing Right Here...
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