Review of American Beauty

Well, I saw American Beauty, the weird artistic film of this month. I don't really know what I thought of it yet, and I have no idea what I'm going to say about it yet, and I've already started typing. I'm hoping for some sort of epiphany to hit me as I type. I suppose that could make the review a lot like the film. But that's not my intent. I'm just hoping to come out of here with a coherent thought or two. None yet. But I'll keep you posted. One thing I liked about it was that it was the first time I've seen anyone address a grown man having a lustful crush on a very young girl since I read the cliff notes to some Albert Camus story and the lyrics to Aqualung. I can understand why Hollywood doesn't want to expose this aspect of relationships, but it's a fact of nature. Now before I start to really sound like a pervert, I'm not saying I condone fathers acting out their sexual fantasies on their daughter's best friend, but it was fun to watch on a movie screen. Especially when surrounded by lots of rose petals. I didn't so much like it when they starting coming out of their mouths, but the whole concept of bathing naked in them has suddenly really peaked my interest. Well, that was only one relationship there was in the film. There were also stalking, drug dealing next door neighbors with abusive, militant fathers and cheating, fast-food eating mothers who listen to self-help tapes. And there was something about blackmail in there somewhere, but there were no rose petals, so I didn't pay much attention to that part. This film will probably gross you out in parts and turn you on in others. And you'll be uncomfortable either way. But you'll laugh. Sometimes. And you'll squirm too. I doubted you'll squint and go "Whatcha talking about, Willis?", but I don't know how you'll all react. I'm going to give this film 5 bugs. It didn't blow me away, and I probably won't see it again unless it's on one of these 12 HBO stations I have at 3 AM and I can't sleep. But it was pretty good and very interesting and different. I laughed, I squirmed, I got up and left when it was over. I could have waited for it to come out on video. But I got to see it for free, and it's definitely worth free the first time around.

This just in!!!...


Quote Of the Day 10/8/99

Jason: "Aw. Look at Jiggy. She's so tired."
Tony: "Yeah. Apparently digging her claws deep into my flesh wears her out."


It is exhausting, I'll give her that.


Appreciating Jethro Tull,
Aqualung.


Still Standing Right Here...

Bad Hair Days

On Thu, 7 Oct 1999, Carrie Clemmer wrote:

> Though I'm not a big fan of writing to mass audiences, I felt it necessary to
> point out that you also have to remove your hat to visit public schools, to
> sing the National Anthem, and to attempt to right the haircut that went so
> wrong.
>
> -Friendly Carrie
> (Hi Dustin.)

Well, Carrie... I know you haven't seen me in a while, but I'm not yet that country singer I always wanted to be, so I don't see myself singing the national anthem anytime soon, and I've almost stopped hanging out at public high schools altogether. I've found I just need to get college chicks drunker. And as far as the hat removal when I right my wrong haircut, I will probably not be looking for her in an all male barber shop, if I choose to go to one of those. Which, of course, increases the chances of me finding her. And this just perpetuates the cycle that has become the great paradox of the single male in the 90s. I'm not sure what I just said, but I think I'm going to stick with that bonnet idea.

So have we all gotten our 2 cents in about how to fix my haircut? And I'd like to point out that neither Steve or Carrie have seen the aberration this is my head. I haven't spoken to either of them in a collective 3 or 4 years, and the first thing out of their font is a criticism about what they can only think my haircut might look like. Losers.

Well, intramural soccer is finally over, which means winners for both the mens league and the coed league had to be determined. Which generally means that we would hand out t-shirts to the winners of these two leagues. But like happens so often in our Rec Sports Department, they aren't ready yet. And why aren't they ready? Gary took his grand old time ordering them again. Well, my fellow ref Andy, the t-shirt artist Jeremy, myself, and all the Polish Mafia were there after the final soccer game. Evil Joe proceeded to ask me why the shirts weren't finished...


Quote Of the Day 10/7/99

Evil Joe: (paraphrased)"Yo nigga! Why ain't da shirts be ready yet?"
Me: "Gary. And trust me, I've been on his ass for the last month."
Jeremy: "Yeah. I've been on his ass all summer."
Andy: "And that's exactly where Gary's been all summer, on his ass."


That must be a big ass to fit 3 people on it all summer.


Ass sitter extraordinaire,
Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Zonked

> Not to overstate the obvious, but...
>
> Leave the hat on.
>
> :)
>
> Steve Z

That's just stupid, Steve. Sure it sounds good in theory, but there are so many things I do that require me to remove the alleged hat. First and foremost, there is sleep. Some can pose the argument that I don't need to look good while I sleep, but they always say that you have the best chance to meet Mrs. Right when you aren't looking for her. And that's about the only time I'm not looking for her. If this theory is true, I'm going to either have to make a conscious effort to not look for her, or I'm going to wake up to her standing over my bed one morning. And if this happens my hair looking the way it currently does, I'm afraid that she'll leave and go into Tony's room. But he's probably still looking for her even when he's asleep. That's just the way my crazy roommate is. Secondly, there's... well, I guess there isn't too much else other than sleep that should require the hat removal, but I think I've made my point quite clear. Maybe I could just wear one of those bonnet things that tie on, that way it will stay on while I toss and turn. I'm pretty sure I have one. Probably in pink, too.

Well, we just won our championship soccer game today. It always feels good beating ZBT at anything, especially 8-0. It might have been a different story if the Skivvies were around, but I guess we'll never know. And we have the shirts to prove it. Speaking of the Skivvies not being around, that reminds me of a story about Ryan McMullin, a former Skivvie who, when intoxicated, almost always decided everyone in whatever room he was in needed to see his dick. This guy is quite the typical college drunk. Joe was telling me a story of the soccer club team last year and a game they had. During warm-ups, Ryan was running around the field with a bottle of vodka in his hand, drinking from it every time he turned a corner. And Joe's tone of voice when telling the story was not degrading or bad at all, but rather it was one of respect and admiration. Tim interrupted Joe's little story...


Quote Of the Day 10/6/99

"Wow Joe. He can drink AND play soccer. He must be your hero."
-Tim


I think a lot of the humor there, as in all the e-mails I send out, is lost in the delivery. Next time I see that happening, I'll give you directions on how to read it and what tone of voice to listen to it in your head in and what not.

Goalie, coach, and part time frat buster,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Thou Shalt Not Understand

The thing that sucked most about the new haircut I have is that I forgot that I was going to get my Maryland licence finally the very day after I butchered my head like I did. I went in to finally register my car in the state of MD and I thought I had to get my MD licence before I could do that. But after I registered my car and they asked if I was going to get my MD license today, hence giving me an option. I declined on the grounds that I had recently made an ill-advised aesthetic decision that had gone wrong. It's really kind of amazing. It always looks like I just took my hat off, and I have no idea how I did it or how I can rectify it. At any rate, like I said before, I just got my car registered and all legal and all that jazz and I decided to celebrate by ramming my front right tire into a curb. At a pretty good pace too. And you wanna know how I accomplished such an idiotic task? I was busy looking at two cops parked in a parking lot on my right. Their mere  presence had distracted me from the road. I was literally looking over at those cops thinking to myself "Hey, my car is registered now. I don't have to be afraid of - HOLY SHIT!!!" That's approximately when I went up on the sidewalk at like 30-35 miles an hour. And the bastards didn't even come after me. If they hadn't been there, I would have been perfectly content to watch the direction the road bent and my car would be fine. This is why I think cops should be outlawed. The roads would be a lot safer.

This little diddy comes from deep in the heart of good ole PA. Actually, Mike submitted this one via the Quote Of the Day Application. He left a lot of it blank, but I already have his comedy background check on file, and it's been a while since I sent that application out that I'll bet that even if he could find it that it would have quite a buildup of cyberdust on it. Anyway, here's Mike's 2 and 1/2 cents:

**************************************************************************

There is a church somewhere that is sponsoring a large ad campaign to get people to start coming back to church. They have all sorts of highway billboards that are supposedly from God. There's one in Norristown (on 202), that just says:

I LOVE YOU!
-GOD

Well, Joe and I were driving home from playing tennis, and we saw one of these signs. It said:

WHAT PART OF "THOU SHALT NOT" DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
-GOD

Quote Of the Day 10/5/99

Joe looked at it for a second, and said, "Uh, the 'thou', and the 'shalt'."
-Good Joe

**************************************************************************

They should come out with an Ebonics version of the bible to reach out to more people. "Thou shalt not covet thy homey's bitch."


Not exactly a prophet,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Haircuts and Drunk Prepositions

Well, if I ever tell any of you on this list that I'm going to try to cut my own hair, just simply say to me "Wait, Dustin. You remember what happened last time, don't you?" Last Tuesday, I decided to forego the expense of having an actual barber cut my hair and do it myself. I think by the time I got it down to within 1/2 an inch of complete baldness, it was finally even. I think if I decide to forego the cost of a professional again, I'm going to at least try to see if I can find somebody who's done it before to do it. Or at least somebody moderately artistic or female. Hell, if you're hands aren't shaking uncontrollably and you can see the back of my head, you'll do a better job than I did.

Well, this quote comes from over the weekend when I decided to stop by la casa d'Evil Joe's. Well, he was in his usual non-grammatically correct form, always ending his sentences in prepositions and whatnot. He did just that in front of me when I was in one of my mocking drunk people in any way possible moods, more than likely asking "Where's the beer at?" but I'm not 100% positive. So anyway, I decided to correct him again...


Quote Of the Day 10/4/99

Me: "See, there you go with the prepositions again."
Joe: "Dude, I'll say whatever the fuck I want. At."


He can also puke and pass out wherever he wants to at.


Leading blindly into battle,
Seargent Whistlehead.