Quote of the Day 15-Year Anniversary

Quote of the Day 15-Year Anniversary!!!

I know what you’re thinking. And you’re probably right. But I did it anyway.

Fifteen years ago today, somewhere near the intersection of Arrogance and Insecurity, this “quote of the day” as it is still misleadingly called, was birthed into existence. And like most 15 year-olds, it has gone through a lot of changes, most of them painful. For those who were there in the beginning, I apologize. For those around during the golden years, thank you for your patience. And for those around now, let me explain.

But before I explain, I owe you all an explanation. See this all really started out as an internet experiment. My college roommate said something funny on the way to dinner and e-mail was brand new, so I thought I’d send out what he said to the 23 people I had e-mail addresses for. Fifteen years later, it’s now live on a website with pictures and video and color. And I probably have fewer readers.

Now I know a few of you probably smelled this coming, but only because I told you I was going to fart. Most of you probably had no idea I even remembered this day or celebrated it or even had a website now. You’re all too busy ignoring my stand-up career to ignore the quote of the day (heretofore known as QOTD). Well, I will be ignored no longer. And for those that haven’t figured this out now, I avoid the word “blog” like it’s my credit report. I will sooner refer to the QOTD as a daily website humor column, which is probably less true, as it is definitely not daily and occasionally contains no humor. But everybody has a blog and my shit predates the blog. So play along if you don’t mind and call it whatever you want to behind my back.

Fifteen years, people. That’s how much time has gone by since I started this thing. Just think about how much has happened in that time. Lots of you have graduated high school, gotten married, had kids, got divorced, graduated college, went to jail, got remarried, lost loved ones, had grandkids, got out of jail, moved to the west coast, injured yourself, moved from the west coast, injured someone else, gotten new jobs, gotten fired, quit smoking, started smoking, went off to war, had your house sprayed for bed bugs, graduated middle school, learned origami, ate sushi, graduated grade school, sang karaoke, made a snowman (Ed note: I think he’s stuck), fell down the stairs, complained to HR about your boss, stuck a body part out of a roller coaster against your better judgment and the ride operator’s wishes, etc. I know fifteen years ago, I wasn’t nearly the man I am now. I was hopelessly single and working in the Rec Sports department of a small college in Baltimore with over $15,000 in student loans to pay back. And look at me now! Now I have almost twice that much to still pay back. At least I know origami.

But really. Does anybody remember what they were doing fifteen years ago today? I do. I was walking with John and a few other friends from Susquehanna dorm to the back entrance of the UMBC dining hall, making fun of this new musical artist that Marky Mark liked. Here’s what my 23 friends had in their e-mail inbox that evening:

Subject: quote of the day 3/3


>From! now on, I'm going to try to have a quote of the day. If it gets annoying, tell me.
-Dustin.

March 3, 1995

"If I ever understand Beck, I'll kill myself."
-John Sears (Tonto Sleepyhead)

That was it. No bitching about cars, no pandering to chicks to play on my volleyball team and no pleading to come watch my stand-up routine. That came later (and often). That was just the wisecrack that started the landslide of both insightful, poignant social commentary and poorly thought-out, completely unjustified verbal discharge that has graced approximately a thousand of you people throughout the last 15 years. And it’s somehow managed to outlast a lot of things, the least of which is Beck’s career. Granted, it isn’t nearly as explosive as it used to be, when I put up 122 quotes in its first year of existence. Since then, the QOTD has taken a backseat to a few trivial things, such as facebook scrabble, Lost discussion groups and working so I can afford food so I can live. But it is still alive and kicking and in the past few months, has been as active as ever. It’s about time to let you all know about it so Tom can have some company when reading the damn thing.

Back in the QOTD heyday, I would give out a yearly MVP award to the person with the most quotes over the course of a season. First of all, I am using a very loose definition of the word “award,” probably more closely associated with kudos and attaboys than any actual prize. Secondly, all the info I used for this season’s award is based on the 05-06 and 06-07 seasons for reasons that would bore the hell out of those of you still reading, so I’m not going to bother explaining. All that said, I now present to you the MVP of the 05-06 and 06-07 seasons, possibly the last seasons under the original scoring method. And as so much time has passed, it may be a little tougher to guess who it would be. Certainly Tony and Mike are top contenders every year, though Mike may have bought himself a few extra considerations with his move out to the Midwest a mere two months after mine. Was there enough left from Perpendicular Keith or Mr. Geoff to last before I left in August 2005? Or would it be someone from the new school? Maybe Seth or Wach-Man from the Rec Center? Or Bill from our countless drunken Miami University nights? Or could my dad contend with his quips about his lung cancer that kept the doctors laughing up until the last few days he was with us?

The results have been tallied and in a squeaker, we have a repeat champion. I guess it pays to follow me to the middle of nowhere. Mike “Just because I don’t remember doesn’t mean I wasn’t listening” Conover was in first with an uncontested 5, with a surprising Good Joe “You don’t have to like them, you just have to accept them as a gift” Titlow right behind him with 4. There was a log jam at third, with 5 people each having 3 QOTDs apiece. Congrats to Erick (who you’ll hear from later), my very own sister, Mr. Geoff, Tony (of course) and finally, the man who started all this 36 years ago – my father. No real surprises in there if you think about it. But if you don’t think about it, MAN you would have been floored. Good work, Mike. But now that I moved back east, a mere 5 miles from Tony, you may want to think about renting a U-Haul and getting your ass out here if you want to be a real contender.

I also want to take this time to pay tribute to not just one of the great contributors to the QOTD, but also a great man, my father. I know a lot of you were there with me when he passed back in 2005 and I haven’t thanked all of you enough who drove up from Maryland or flew in from Boston or just across the street to his standing-room only memorial service. It was a great tribute. And while the rest of the family had gotten pictures together, I got a board of all the quotes he had contributed in the past 10 years. And it was great to see everyone come up to the board and laugh. It truly kept his spirit alive and without this QOTD that I started 15 years ago, I likely would have remembered exactly none of them. So thank you, QOTD, for the memory and of course my dad, Glen “That’s what I meant. What are you, deaf?” Fisher for the memories. The Indians believe that as long as a man is still talked about that his spirit will never die. So as long as I keep up this QOTD, his spirit never will. And with the internet the way it is now, that’s likely to be eternal.

And now onto the part you’ve all been waiting for, whether you knew it or not. The QOTD of the year! Really two years – and about three years ago, but the QOTD of the year nonetheless. But it would be sacrilegious not to check out the lineage of the past winners first. Usually the quote comes from everyday life on the gridiron, the poker tables, the dodge ball battlefield or from the Van of Stench somewhere in Kansas. One of the things I like about the QOTD however, is that it can come from anywhere. I have quoted 4 of my old professors and 9 of my own family members in addition to 3 friend's mothers and a friend's father. Point is, you should always be on your game. But one of the standard favorites that I have been jackhammering into the muck for the last 14 years came from back in April of 1995, only a month after I started this train. It was debuted as the quote of the month/ year/ decade back then and I still think it's one of the best I've laid my ears on...

Quote Of the Year 1995-96

The Set-Up...

"Love is like hearts. You want to follow suit, but you don't want to have the lead."
-Me

The Quote...

"If love is like hearts, than sex is like spades. If you don't have a good partner, you damn well better have a good hand."
-Weed

The following year was a tough one because nothing really jumped out at me like the other one. But it was John. And he was making fun of me. Not just that, but he was doing it within the context of the quote of the day, which makes it exponentially better...

Quote Of the Year 1996-97

So this past weekend, we were all hanging out in John's room (the 5 of us who stayed this weekend), and John was reading a quote of the day, when he turned around and said to me...

Quote Of the Day 4/8

"How can you still be standing right there? You've been standing there for like two years. Take a walk! Sit down! Go out!..."

-My roommate that's not really my roommate

The 1997-98 quote of the year actually got the honor by being the only one nominated. I never had a quote nominated for quote of the year before, so I figured this was going to be an easy decision. Steve "Baritone" Zebrowski liked this quote so much, he e-mailed me for about the first time in over a year and asked if I was accepting votes for quote of the year, if there was such a thing. Well, Steve, thanks to you, there is such a thing now. And what a beast it's turned into. Anyway, here it is...


Quote Of the Year 1997-98

Well, my family and I went to New York City this break to see The Capeman, Paul Simon's musical. The city was really cool, and the musical was good too. My dad started talking about how I needed to get a job and an apartment up here so he could live here for a year and visit all the libraries to get a lot of information. He's a big information junkie. Anyway, these are his thoughts on if he got to live in New York for a year...

Quote of the Day 2/4

"I would be filled with so much information, it would be a sin to let me die."

-My father, the hero...

...sandwich.

(ED note: This is obviously a bittersweet one for me, but one that’s nevertheless true and certainly still funny. Love you, dad)

1998-99's quote of the year honor struck a chord relatively close to home for me. Mostly because it was back home where the quote came from and it was about the trip Mike and I were about to take across the country. My panel of judges (Tony, with Misti in the back seat agreeing to whatever he said) carefully weighed all of the nominees and came up with this...


Quote Of the Year 1998-99

Well, this brings us to our quote. Mike has a pretty crappy car too, and we were talking about whether or not we could drive to Las Vegas. Anyway, he told me that he'd have to find out if it was downhill first.

Quote of the Day 6/9/98

"Most people look at road maps before they take a trip. I look at elevation charts."

-Mike

Congrats again, Mike. I'd give you a tote bag, but you already have a bag full of bags, just nothing to carry them in.

For the 1999-2000 season, I actually started to use a panel of judges. I took the funniest 13 quotes I could find and sent them to a randomly selected (I fixed it) group of panelists to vote on which they thought were the funniest quotes in the last year. So of course it would figure that three people on the panel would have a hand in that year's quote of the year. Well, this quote is kinda like my three best unmarried friends in tandem. But in this case, tandem doesn't mean they all jump out of a plane attached to one another. The reason this quote is so great is because it involves all three of them directly or indirectly, and it's about my massive tool:


Quote Of the Year 1999-2000

I don't know if you know the principals behind AOL Instant Messenger, but if you type a message to me, the entire sentence pops up on my screen when you hit enter, and vice versa. So many times, when both parties are typing at the same time, the messages will pop up one right after the other, before the parties have a chance to read what the other had written first. Well, you get the point. I hope. Here's what happened in a conversation between Good Joe (using Mike's account) and Tony the day it snowed a lot and Joe was supposed to come down to MD for the night:

Quote Of the Day 1/21/00

WhiteTony: Smart move by not coming down here today.
GoodJoe4U: Thanks.
GoodJoe4U: I think Dustin has a small penis.
WhiteTony: They changed the forecast to as much as 14-20 inches.
GoodJoe4U: Laughing...too hard...can't...type...

So there you have it. The quote of 1999-2000 was about my huge penis. And I didn't even have to fix the ballots. It was funny enough to everyone as it was. Hey, wait a minute...

I continued using a panel of hand selected judges and using a third eye blind experimentation process, we came up with Tony's second quote of the year in a row...


Quote Of the Year 2000-2001

...Anyway, I went and got a ping pong table and two paddles and a few balls at Dick's Sporting Goods the week before vacation and it wasn't long before Russ threatened to break one by slamming it on the table...

Quote Of the Day 1/3/01

Me: "If we break one of these we'll have to go back to Dicks."
Tony: (walking past the table) "I'm NOT using my dick!"


I'll bet you're laughing out loud.

So there it is. The Quote of the Year went to Tony for the second year in a row. And also for the second year in a row, he was talking about the male organ. Obsessive maybe? Anyway, congratulations again Tony. That's four successive calendar years that you've had the title. Now let somebody else play.

The 02-03 season (I'm replacing the word "year" with "season" from now on because of the fact that... well, because I'm a year late and all) had many fewer quotes, but just as many quality ones, thanks to the invention of paper, pens and pockets. And this is one where every time I read it, my body has a weird chemical reaction somewhere between laughter, embarrassment, and an uncomfortable urge to run 5 miles.

Quote of the Year 2002-2003

OK, I run this program on campus in which I try to marry Rec Sports and Res Life in our intramurals. I award points for participation in every sport. I knew this one team was from Patapsco, but I didn't know which hall (3rd South, etc.). So I called the front desk and after I fell over my words about 3 or 4 times, asked the girl (I think her name was Meghan) on the phone if she could tell me where this guy lived, but I didn't really need to know his address, I just needed to know what hall he lived on.

Silence.

So then I started explaining what I was doing with the whole Rec Sports/Res Life thing and in the middle of what was already the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had...

Quote Of the Day 2/13/03

Me: "OK, wait. Let me explain myself. My name is Dustin and I work for the Rec Sports office -"
Girl: (cutting me off) "I know. I dated you for 7 months."


Oh. THAT Megan.

You can feel the uncomfortable awkwardness from miles away. It's been over seven years now and I'm still trying to think of something to say back to her. And that was enough to make it the 02-03 season’s quote of the year. I guess the more painful they are, the more funny they are. Like Jerry Lewis Pratt falls, but much more heterosexual. So anyway, the quote of the year goes to my ex-girlfriend Megan in the last words she's ever spoken to me. It's good to see that though our relationship couldn't stand the test of time, the humor and the bitterness has.

Last season’s quote of the year isn’t nearly as painful for me to read, which likely means it isn’t nearly as funny. I’ll have to go out and create more awkward situations just to be able to write more about them. But anyway, this quote is worthy of the quote of the year for its sheer improvisational prowess.

Quote of the Year 2004-2005

Quote Of the Day 4/17/04

Keith: "I find it hard to breath indoors."
Jason: "I find it hard to breath in water."


I know what you're thinking. Jason is weird.

So there ya go. You’re all caught up. Except of course for the quote of the year so awesome, it’s actually been 5 years in the making. And honestly, more than that. See, this past season, I put it to a panel of 11 people, half QOTD historians and half people who don’t know anything about the QOTD or any of these people, to make it more genuine. And to find out who is really funny and who I’ve been giving too much credit these past 15 years. And the top two vote-getters did not disappoint. But there is another that I feel the need to make a note of. In my PDA.

Honorable Mention Quote of the Year 2005-2007

…Actually, I don't have a PDA. In fact, I was running the beach volleyball tournament last year and as a joke, I got a pencil and went to record the score of a game on my yellow lined legal notebook and said out loud to myself, “Well, let me just record this in my P.D.A...”

Quote of the Day 3/16/05

“Don't you mean your P.A.D.?”

-Justin Costa

Didn't see that one coming. Nice work, bro.

Speaking of not seeing something coming, this guy is probably one of the most underrated Quote Masters of his time for just that reason. Looking back, this quip was probably easy enough to think of, but he did it on the spot as if it were written for him with cameras pointed at him from off stage. In fact, all 5 of us were sitting around the same side of the table. It’s starting to make sense now.

Runner-up Quote of the Year 2005-2007

…Speaking of tattooed chicks (how you like that, Actual Sis?), I got into the conversation with a few friends about a month ago talking about girls that have a tattoo on the small of their spine. Sure, we all heard Vince Vaughn say that it might as well be a bulls eye in Wedding Crashers (which will actually segue into my next message), but I just found out that they are also called “tramp stamps.” It’s not a flattering name, but I don’t think it was intended to be. And so, I made a joke to the effect of “well, no wonder all my exes have them” which is barely funny and also a complete lie. But it begat this, which was worth the self degradation…

Quote of the Day 10/2/06

“I didn’t think you were allowed to get tattoos until you were 18.”

-E Hersh

Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle “pot?” I remember when I made that comment thinking to myself “why did I say that? It’s not true OR funny.” Then that happened and it made all of my flailing around for attention seem worthwhile.

And now onto the big show, the one you’ve REALLY all been waiting for, like I said about 5 single-spaced pages at 12-point Times New Roman font ago.

Quote of the Year 2005-2007

Setting: Bridgeport, PA – August 1998ish.

So my pops was walking the mile home from the video store after working all day and passed a Dominoes Pizza store. He figures that he’s hungry, why not stop in and order a pizza and take it back home. He tries to open the door. It’s locked. The entire front of the place is all glass and he can see people inside throwing dough up in the air. So he bangs on the door. Somebody in there looks over his shoulder and pointed to a sign. The sign said “no walk-in customers after 9pm.” I suppose they were intimidated by his bolo tie and plaid flannel shirt. So he yells inside “I just want to order a pizza!” They shrug their shoulders and go back to flipping dough. About a minute later, they get a phone call.

“Dominoes Pizza, how may I help you?”
“Yeah, I’d like a small plain pizza.”
“Your name?”
“Glen.”
“And where would you like that delivered?”
“Right here.”
“Excuse me?”
“Hold on.”
My dad walks over to the window and leans over to wave inside and yells “Hi!”
“Yeah, I’d like my pizza delivered right here.”
“But we can’t do that.”
“Why not?! I’m here. I have money.”
“But we need an address.”

Quote of the Day 8/22/06

“Well, what’s your fucking address? Order it to yourself, just outside.”

-The Dad.

He did not get a pizza that night.

I swear I did not fix this, nor did I even have a vote. Mike had already been let out of the tub before he voted, I swear. But it is very fitting that this is the quote of the year, as it’s become a significant part of my stand-up routine since I started doing that in December 2007. The story doesn’t always get the biggest laughs of the night, but that line definitely hits the hardest every time I tell it, no matter what the venue. So thanks, dad, one more time. And congratulations. You retired a champion. Like the John Elway of quotes. I’m assuming you don’t need any more tote bags. I don’t think anybody ever really used them.

So this is the part that of the QOTD anniversary edition in which I usually take some of my favorite parts of my QOTD rants from the past and cut and paste them into this e-mail. Only now with the internet and all the old QOTDs uploaded to the internet (at least everything since 2001), I’m gonna save us both the time. Besides, not only are these accessible to everyone with the internet all the time, but I plan on doing something even cooler (and I have a girl in my bed I want to get back to for once). Every weekend for the next 15 weekends, I will be sending out a QOTD “Top 15 of the Last 15” with a different topic every time (Ed note: I still can’t believe “everytime” isn’t a word. When the hell are they going to change that?). This not only makes your job easier, but mine also. At least in the short term (please refer to girl in my bed comment made earlier). And it should cut this normally beastly e-mail down into more easily swallowable chunks. Though with the uprising of the twitter age, I doubt anyone other than Tom and some really old school peeps are still reading. Thank you. So stay tuned, as I will announce at the conclusion of every “Top 15” post what the following weekend’s post will be. Upcoming topics include Top 15 Rants, Top 15 Friends, and this weekend… Top 15 Quotes. Sure, there will likely be a few repeats, but it ain’t like I’m sponsored by anyone to do this shit. I feel that I’ve been doing a pretty damn fine job for a product with no budget, no real marketing and no loyal clientele to speak of. So drain, eat and enjoy.

Also, I should say that I’ve taken a lot of the 10-year anniversary edition and I’ve cut and pasted a lot from there. And what I’ve decided is that I’m jealous of the person I was 5 years ago. That dude was damn clever. I really recommend reading that one and I hope to become him once again. The reason I keep coming back to this Quote of the Day is because it means so much to me. See, I don’t keep a diary, because I’m not gay, so this is all I got. And you can pretty much patch together the last 15 years of my life through these QOTDs. I lived in 5 different rooms in two dorms and an apartment complex. Then I moved out and kept goin. Four places around the greater Baltimore area, a tragic panic-attack triggered 3-year layover in Ohio and another two places back in MD to land in the apartment I’m in right now, living with a real live actual girlfriend who really likes me and everything. Which is probably why I hadn’t written anything in the first year I’d been back. Since I started the QOTD, I've had 30 roommates, 7 cars and (get this) over 20 jobs. I lost count. And I'm not even counting the ones where I just showed up for a day to drive 50 Safe Kids vans from a fire department in Bowie to the Washington Monument in the middle of the night with Stryker. I mean actual jobs over sustained periods of time. I truly thought that when I first sent out that first quote that it might last the last three months of the semester and that's all. I had no intention of spanning the globe from California to Thailand, and from Alabama to Australia. And I definitely didn't figure I’d ever reach close to a thousand people over the last decade. And guess what, folks? It’s time the QOTD found its way back to where it used to be. A seldom read e-mail article that makes me feel like I’m doing something with my life. Prepare yourselves.

So I started working at the University of Baltimore about a year and a half ago now. I’m a pretty recognizable figure on campus, but still nowhere near the popularity that I had back at UMBC in the days of the “Dustin RecSports” voicemails. I would seriously meet people out at a bar and tell them I was Dustin and inevitably they would get a glow of excitable recognition on their face and say “You mean Dustin from RecSports?” And I’d say yes and they’d buy me a drink and proceed to tell me how awesome it was that they got to hang out with somebody so cool and funny and attractive before they went home with the SAE guy with the Free Mustache Ride t-shirt on. And those were just the guys. Anyway, I joined this Biggest Loser program a colleague is putting on at UB to lose some of the 10 pounds I’ve put on since I moved in with Jen. I’m on a team of 10. Not just one, but two of the girls in my group went to UMBC around 2000-2004, in the height of my popularity there. Shortly after I passed this medicine ball back and forth with this girl in the group, she told me that she was from UMBC and knew of my voice mails, even though she never went to the Rec Center…

Quote of the Day 3/3/10

“I can’t wait to tell my boyfriend I’m working out with Dustin from Rec Sports.”

-Stephanie Something

Even though I’m off the market and haven’t worked there in 5 years, the conversation still ends the same. With me being awesome and her telling her boyfriend about me. Burn.

Doing what I can for the people I love,

Dustin.

All said and finished
I got miles left ahead
Should we be laughing
Or fighting instead
Never sure when
To say all those little things
Unsure in front of me
Of what the next one brings

But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
But I've gotten nowhere

But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
Still standing right here

All huddled up
With a couple close friends
Then you step outside, come back
And there'll be one less of them
Their foes will line en up
And their guns will shoot en down
And they'll all keep on leavin
Until you're the only one left around

But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied an! d I've lied...
Still standing right here

I thought I was important
Used to walk with my head tall
Yeah, I thought that I was different
Coulda sworn I knew it all
I had friends I could rely on
They were there at every call
But they always seem to leave me
With my back against the wall

But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
Still standing right here

But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
Still standing right here

I know many people
Have stood where I stand
Benn searchin for years now
For just one honest man
People tell me I can trust them
And then they'll play their little games
And then I tell them I'll be faithful
But sometimes I act the same

But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
Still standing right here

But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
And I've gotten nowhere

But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
Still standing right here

-lyrics by Drew Holloway and Dustin Fisher