Currently in Theaters

Currently in Theaters

I've actually been to see 6 movies that are still currently in theaters. I honestly don't know that this has ever happened. So in case you're in that small subset of humans that trust my opinions, check these out. And some of these are almost out of theaters and you already have to drive 34.7 miles to see them, so don't dilly-dally.

Cabin in the Woods (9 bugs): If you liked Zombieland, you'll like this movie. In fact, I think if you have a sense of humor, you'll like this movie. It's a horror that doesn't take itself too seriously. And Joss Whedon, the Avengers guy, wrote and produced this. So there ya go, nerds. Oh, and hustle. You're gonna need to drive a bit to get to this one.

Avengers (8 bugs): There isn't much more to say about this movie, but it is worth the hype. You don't need to see the previous 5 Marvel movies to watch this either. Just stop being such a lazybones and/or contrarian and go see the damn thing. This will still be in theaters in two months.

Men in Black III (8 bugs): Roger Ebert says it might be better than the first. I don't necessarily disagree. Josh Brolin's version of Tommy Lee Jones is worth the price of admission alone.

Hunger Games (6 bugs): Listen, you're going to see this movie. Come to terms with it. No one will think less of you for not reading the book and no one will question you when you say that it wasn't as good as the book. Though I hear this movie stayed pretty true to the book. Regardless, it's not without its flaws and I'm not a big fan of it being a mandate that all teen books/movies have female characters with two love interests and that's just OK nowadays. This fad better be over in 25 years, when I allow my daughter to start dating.

What to Expect When You're Expecting (5.5 bugs): What to Expect When You’re Expecting is exactly what you’d expect. Unless of course, you expected it to be anything like the book. But I wouldn’t expect you would. This is the latest movie trying to spin off of the success of the Love, Actually formula. The great thing about having 5 or 6 storylines in a movie is that you don’t really have to spend the time developing any of them. Each was amusing, some were attempts at touching, some were silly, but it was all as expected. Which is probably why that word is in the title twice.

The Five-Year Engagement (4 bugs): For most of the more than 2-hour long movie, the couple gives us a realistic back and forth about a real couple’s struggles, sacrifices and compromises that gives this viewer hope this will be something real. Then the movie bends to the will of the genre police and becomes that formulaic rom com that Taylor Swift is usually in.

Review of Five Year Engagement

Review of Five Year Engagement

I really like Emily Blunt. I really loathe gag comedy. I’m really indifferent about Jason Segel. Let the battle begin…

This is the long story of a couple trying to stay engaged both in name and in practice. For most of the more than 2-hour long movie, the couple gives us a realistic back and forth about a real couple’s struggles, sacrifices and compromises that gives this viewer hope this will be something real. Then the movie bends to the will of the genre police and becomes that formulaic rom com that Taylor Swift is usually in. Only it’s been cased in all these extraneous scenes clumsily inserted just for laughs, which only makes me angrier that the payoff isn’t there.

Not only does the movie use the formula, but it makes the coefficient unnecessarily high (warning: that was math humor). In the “boy loses girl” phase, Jason Segel bangs his co-worker in the deli (close enough). But he was conflicted, so that makes it OK. And in the “boy gets girl back” phase, they get married in the park in an impromptu ceremony that she planned with a jazz band, all their friends and family and blah blah blah Taylor Swift blah blah blah. This movie could have been good. Instead, it was this. 4 bugs (out of 10)

Review of What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Review of What to Expect When You’re Expecting

What to Expect When You’re Expecting is exactly what you’d expect. Unless of course, you expected it to be anything like the book. But I wouldn’t expect you would.

As an any-day-now to-be father, I thought what the rest of us fathers thought when we heard this movie was coming out. “Oh good! Now I don’t have to read the book.” This is incorrect. It is like seeing Oh Brother Where Art Thou and thinking “Oh good! Now I don’t have to read The Odyssey.” Or seeing Chronicle and thinking “Oh good! Now I don’t have to read the Bible.” There are pregnant women in this movie. After that, the director took some liberties.

I didn’t want to go see this movie because I knew exactly what was going to happen and I didn’t want Jenn to think it was OK to throw a book at my head because she was in labor. Sure enough, book thrown at head. Guy shakes it off. People in the crowd laugh. Jenn looks at me and smiles. Not OK.

The ensemble cast was also as good as expected. I still really like Anna Kendrick. I don’t think there’s anything special about Cameron Diaz or Jennifer Lopez. Elizabeth Banks is starting to vault herself over some other actresses to be among my favorites. And I had no idea Ben Cardone was this funny. Or what his name was or that he existed for that matter.

This is the latest movie trying to spin off of the success of the Love, Actually formula and a much better attempt than New Year’s Eve. At least I assume it is. I will never see that movie. The great thing about having 5 or 6 storylines in a movie is that you don’t really have to spend the time developing any of them. Each was amusing, some were attempts at touching, some were silly, but it was all as expected. Which is probably why that word is in the title twice. 5.5 bugs (out of 10)

Review of Cabin in the Woods

Review of Cabin in the Woods

Dear everyone who told me to go see Zombieland, I'm returning the favor. You're welcome.

Assuming Joss Whedon didn’t just fellate a whole bunch of critics this spring, this guy is pretty talented. I went to see the other movie in theaters by this Joss Whedon character mostly because of the poster art, but also because a horror movie got a 90% on the Tomatometer. Horror movies don’t get 90% from real critics. I overheard that it might be a parody of the genre, but tried not to hear anything else until I saw it. This precise premeditated ignorance is what aided to my enjoyment of the Sixth Sense. And marriage. But that’s a story for another day.

This movie was one part horror, one part parody served over tongue in cheek. It was Friday the 13^th meets Adjustment Bureau meets Joss Whedon, as if somebody with a knack for comedic dialogue and creativity wrote a horror movie. And then wrote another movie to wrap around that movie.

GO SEE THE MOVIE BEFORE READING ANY FURTHER. I IMPLORE YOU. WELL ACTUALLY, DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. IT’S YOUR LIFE. THANK YOU. BUT THERE ARE SPOILERS AHEAD. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

See, these five college kids find themselves going out to a creepy cabin in the creepy woods for the weekend. “I don’t think this gas pump knows about money.” Standard horror movie stuff happens. This is juxtaposed against these middle-class white business shirt wearing people in a control room taking bets and dancing to REO Speedwagon and planning (to some degree) the deaths of the college kids for the amusement of the spiteful Gods who will end the world if at least one country doesn’t come through with the death show. Confused? Well, not if you already saw the movie as I implored you to.

This movie had thrills, it had humor and it was original. And it was produced by my new BFF Joss Whedon. And a hot young blond chick took her shirt off. See! I told you to go see it. 9 bugs (out of 10)

Review of Avengers

Review of Avengers

I originally went to see Men in Black III on Friday but it was so good, I figured I’d stay to see if there were any other movies out where aliens invade New York. Apparently, that’s the hot plot point this summer.

Listen, there is no way possible I can say anything new about the Avengers movie. I did a lot of homework for it, having watched at least three movies I had planned on never seeing in Captain America, Thor and The Incredible Hulk in the last couple weeks. And I don’t do homework for classes, let alone movies. So I was obviously intent on enjoying this movie. It did not disappoint.

I don’t really know Joss Whedon from mulch. Apparently, he’s big in dork culture, largely because he gave us Buffy. But holy crap, has his name been all over the place for this!? The next Marvel film is actually going to be about him. That’s how much of a hero he is. Dorks my age are saying that this is the movie they’ve been waiting for their entire lives. I guess they all conveniently forgot about Episode One too.

Anyway, being only a 3 on the dork scale, I couldn’t tell you the backstory of all these comic book heroes. I don’t know how true to the comic book all these people and demi-Gods are. And like the rest of the dork world, I was concerned with how some of this team was going to fit in with other much, much more powerful team members. For example, the Black Widow can do some nasty Ninja stuff. But Thor can fly and shoot lightning and summon seemingly endless power. How the hell are these two going to work together? And the answer is easy. Joss Whedon.

He really did a great job of exactly that. Making sure all six team members had something to do that was helpful on some level and not outside their physical talent level. While Thor and Hulk were off fighting this ½ mile long flying alien spacecraft, Captain America and Hawkeye were on the ground protecting the civilians. Nice touch. Something to do.

And most notable is that this movie wasn’t afraid to sprinkle a little humor in with the action. I would really like to see Robert  Downey Jr. win an Oscar before he goes back into rehab, and the money is about even. And of course, there’s Joss Whedon. There is a moment about an hour into this movie that had me laughing for about 3 minutes straight. Good thing I did my homework. Also, if you’re familiar with Marvel’s post-credit sequence promoting of this very movie for the past 5 years, stay to see this one. It was half genuine, half parody, completely perfect.

I’m not a comic book dork, a fan of long movies, a homework guy or a conformist blindly seeking approval for my opinions and I still really liked this movie. Go see it before it leaves the theaters. You still probably have about two months. 8 bugs (out of 10)