Rating Unwritten Ethical Violations of Passing Other Cars

We're going to pretend it's Tuesday and do the ratings thing:

Unwritten Ethical Violations of Passing Other Cars

Not Letting Someone Merge Onto the Road - Otherwise known as the "overaggressive spot-holder." I think this one pisses me off more than any other ethical traffic violation. In fact, I think this one is up there with getting into an elevator before I get out of it as my number one idiotic pet peeve. I can understand the riding of the next car's bumper if you are part of a chain of cars driving in the left lane and I'm trying to break into the chain to get around a guy in the middle lane. But when you see me coming onto an on ramp from another road and you refuse to let me into the right lane because you want to hold your spot in line is fucking intolerable! I swear to God this one lady would have rather ran me into the guard rail at the end of the merge lane than let me into her lane. And every next car in line was doing the same thing. This is why I think each car should come with a gun with one bullet. Traffic would flow a lot better that way. F

Driving Slow in the Fast Lane - Some people just haven't figured it out yet. The further left you go, the faster you have to drive. Why wouldn't you be able to do this? And I'm not talking about when it's crowded and confusing. If I have the ability to pass you on the right, you should get the hell out of my way in the first place. I'm not flashing my brights at you because you have a tail light out. And one day when I was particularly pissed off, I decided to get in front of this guy and sit down and see how slow I could go before he'd pass me on the right just to show him how annoying it was. Well, I got down to 30 on 95 and he waited me out. I don't get it. D

Passing On the Right - I can justify this action if it's not abused. Especially if you have an asshole doing 45 in the fast lane. In fact, it's a written law that you have to stay right in New Jersey (that's the only good thing NJ can be referenced for). Of course, it's also a law that you can't pass on the right in NJ. So if somebody’s driving slow in the left lane and you pass him on the right, you are both at fault? They mean well, but they still can't get their shit together. B

Speeding Up When Somebody Tries To Pass You - This is another strictly asshole move. If you wanted to be going that fast, you should have been doing that the whole time. Don't speed up just because you are being threatened as the fastest car on the road. This is like the traffic version of penis envy. What's your damn problem? There's no need to concern yourself with me. D-

Quote of the Day 9/7/04

"I'm sure she's nice. She's just not nice to other people."

-Katie Kraus


That's Katie's version of a compliment.

Passing on the shoulder,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

I'm Back! Again.

I'm Back! Again.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been 3 months since my last quote. In that time, I have taken the Lord's name in vain probably close to 400 times and I've masturbated about that many times also. I did not covet thy neighbor's wife, but I did check out her ass for probably an uncomfortable period of time. I don't believe that I have born false witness against my neighbor, but I'm not really sure what that means, so I guess I may have. I also stole this pink slap bracelet from a store. I actually did that back in 1992, but I haven't really told anybody about it until now. So yeah, please forgive me for my sins father.

Sorry I keep getting lost in the shuffle for months at a time. You missed my exciting summer of day camp drama again. I've heard I'm actually funnier when I'm stressed out and pissed off. And I'm willing to make the sacrifice for the greater good! Actually, the reason I got inspired to start this up again is this conversation I had with this chick at Howl at the Moon. It went something like this:

Random Chick: "...I'm actually a big fan of comedy."
Excited Dustin: "Well, I happen to write a daily e-mail humor column."
Interested Chick: "Really?! What did you write about today."
Nervous Dustin: "Actually, I didn't write anything today."
Confused Chick: "Well, what did you write about yesterday?"
Back to the Wall Dustin: "Actually, I haven't really written anything in 3 months."
Less Interested Chick: "So you USED to write a humor column."
Lying Dustin: "No... I still do."
Uninterested Chick: "It doesn't really sound like you do."
Desperate Dustin: "Well, sometimes, things aren't exactly like they sound."
Mean Chick: "Kinda like how you originally sounded interesting."
Pissed Off That He Was Caught In a Lie Dustin: "And kinda like how you originally sounded cute."

OK, it didn't happen exactly like that, but it made me want to start it back up, if for no other reason than I might have a shot with a chick someday. And to try to battle the laziness factor, I'm going to try to adhere to a weekly quote schedule that will be as follows:

Monday: Freestyle rant about anything - This is where I can really talk about anything. I figure at least one funny thing will happen over the weekend that I can rant about. Or I can just make some shit up. But anyway, that's Monday.

Tuesday: Ratings - This is fun. This is where I can rate anything. Like I can rate my nicknames, the time zones, songs about women's asses and ways to get money illegally. But as usual, they all end in a quote just to keep the theme alive.

Wednesday: My day off - This is the day during the middle of the week that I will take off. If I get inspired, I will send a quote out on a Wednesday, but it is optional. To be honest, all days are optional, but especially Wednesday.

Thursday: Old School quote: I'm going to try to remember all the funny things people said from a long time ago that I never got a chance to put in the quote of the day. And I'll try to rehash stories from a while ago too. Anything at least a year old will be considered old school. Well, I'll at least give this a shot for a little while.

Friday: Movie review - I am going to try to rate a movie every Friday based on the Bug system, with 10 bugs being as good as A Bug's Life. It's a system I came up with shortly after seeing a Bug's Life and I'm stuck with it now. The movies might be new, they might not. In fact, they might not even be movies. And I might not even do it, who the hell knows?

Saturday and Sunday: More days off - I will use these days to try to catch up from when I inevitably fall behind during the week. So these will be the days in which I lie about what day it is.

So that's the weekly schedule, like it or not. You can plan your week accordingly now.

So today is not only my dad's birthday, but also my parent's anniversary. Happy 35th Anniversary Mom and Dad!!! They're awesome. I have definitely honored my mother and father throughout the years. Most of you already know how funny my dad is through either meeting him in person or reading this crap for the past however many years. Well, in honor of the day of his birth, I have a dad quote that he said to me earlier this summer...

Quote of the Day 9/6/04

Dad: "Hey, I saw a show the other day that I couldn't believe you weren't on."
Me: "Oh really, what was it?"
Dad: "Last Comic Standing."

He could have just said "Hey, how come you're not on that show Last Comic Standing," but that wouldn't have been dad. And when they start up a show called Last Comic Typing, I'll jump on it, I promise.

Happy Birthday Dad!
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Doing 5 Hail Marys and 3 Hey Judes,

Friar Lennon.


Still Standing Right Here...

Gorgatron, Lord of the Cicadas

Gorgatron, Lord of the Cicadas

First of all, let me preface this by saying that I'm probably more proud of this than I should be. A few friends of mine threw a cicada party over the weekend. I thought that it was just a regular party called "The Cicada Party" to kinda justify having a party for those people who need a better reason than getting drunk and passing out on a floor covered in potato chips and salsa. So I later heard through the grapevine that there would actually be a live cicada eating contest. The gag reflex you're probably all feeling right now was my first reaction also. And if that sentence disgusted you, stop reading now. Because it was more than just a live cicada eating contest that made this a cicada party. I showed up and they had old bay cicadas, chocolate covered cicadas and cicadas in taco meat with taco shells and all the fixins. They had posterboard up for anybody who tried the different kinds to write their name down. And in this particular setting, people were impressed by these sort of accomplishments. I later realized that these accomplishments were not met with the same respect and reverence at work. In fact, I think I made Mike gag so much, he started to sweat.

So anyway, these posters were up there just begging for people with low self-esteem struggling to fit in to shove a dirty chocolate covered insect down their throat to earn a spot up on the wall of fame. And so I did. And then some hot chick convinced me to eat an old bay one. They really do taste like shrimp, by the way. But so does everything you douse in old bay. I had thought about signing the poster below it which would have entered me into the live cicada eating contest, but not after seeing the tupperware container full of them sitting outside. If you were even close to on the fence about eating a live cicada, seeing about 100 crawling around each other in a see-though plastic hell was enough to turn you vegan. It looked like something out of an Indiana Jones movie. And so I played flip cup. And then I played beer pong. And I don't remember specifically, but I probably played asshole too. At some point, I was swayed by either peer pressure, large amounts of alcohol, or a curiosity of my own competitive limitations when it came to winning something, and I signed up for the live cicada eating contest.

Honestly, I knew that nobody would give me a shot, but I knew my mind over matter reflex would trump the gag reflex to at least earn me a ride to the second round. I suppose it's also possible that I just don't give enough of a shit about my body to care what I eat. Or maybe it was the last 10 straight years of eating UMBC food that has prepared me. At any rate, I got to the next round. Before I had realized it, I was eating cicadas like they were jello. Crunchy, squirming jello that flaps its wings for a half second, but jello nonetheless. And after a photo finish determined a tie and I had to go head to head with Joelle, the hostess of the party, she punched me in the throat when it looked like I had gotten ahead of her. She was fined $50,000 by the league. So at this point, I made it to the final round, which combined agility with cicada eating. I was possessed at this point. I could have probably eaten a squirrel if somebody handed it to me. Anyway, after completing the two rounds of beer pong and flip cup and cicada eating, I came out a second ahead of the other guy. This marked several firsts in my life. It was the first eating contest I had ever won, it was the first cicada-related activity I had ever participated in, and it was the first time I ran sprinting to the bathroom to puke and had absolutely no desire to. That was weird. I expected to feel a whole lot worse after eating what turned out to be about 24 cicadas. Nothing. I was ready to go play flashlight tag. I had no ill effects at all. But for some reason, I couldn't sleep all that night. Maybe cicadas have caffeine in them too. So anyway, I am the Lord of the Cicadas until the summer of 2021. You may refer to me as Gorgatron.

Quote of the Day 6/9/04

"Happy 17th Birthday Cicadas!"

-Written in chocolate on a cookie cake


I think we showed them who the more dominant species is once and for all.

Lord of the Cicadas,

Gorgatron.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Cicada Monologues

The Cicada Monologues

So I went to Austin and came back to find that the cicadas haven't all died off yet. And they're out in force now like they're pissed off about something. Maybe my insidious mockery of their species (Ed. note: he doesn't know what the word insidious means and don't bother correcting him because he never will), but I somehow doubted. I'd say they're swarming now, but I don't really think they could form a swarm. When I think of swarms, I think of organized schools of creatures moving together as one. These guys aren't nearly as organized, which makes them more annoying, but less likely to be the leading role in an NBC made-for-TV horror movie. It's really gotten to the point that I see other insects around and my first thought is like "Hey. You're not a cicada! Who the hell do you think you are?!?" Like grasshoppers should cease to exist for a month or something. I've actually had two run-ins with cicadas since I've been back. Both happen to be moderately humorous, which is to your benefit.

Tuesday, I was coming to a stop sign and I saw a cicada headed on a trajectory that looked like it would lead it right into my window. I thought about skidding to a stop or swerving, but then I thought that was a slight overreaction, so I just ignored the cicada path flight in hopes that it would bank left or something. I'm not going to let these ignorant fuckers dictate how I stop at a stop sign. So I stopped and sure enough the bastard flew right into my window and conked me in the head with a hammer (OK, maybe not) and it still freaked me out like I was a little 3rd grade schoolgirl. Thankfully I swatted it out the window in my epileptic fit of "get it off!" So that was Tuesday.

Today was even funnier because it involved a third party. I got pulled over today for rolling through a stop sign that I roll through everyday. It's at the bottom of a hill and my brakes are so shot, I can feel the drum solo from Bonzo's Montreaux playing in the wheel well when I try to stop, so I feel no need to put further wear and tear on my car just to dignify federal law. I refrained from telling the cop all this, despite the fact that I was drunk off my ass at 9:30 in the morning (no he wasn't). Anyway, I pulled to the side of the road, and I hadn't learned from yesterday or countless near misses I've had, to drive with the windows up for these few weeks. And I happened to pull over right next to an extremely high cicada traffic area. So as I'm ducking into my glove box to get my registration, one of those icky fuckers takes a B-line for my head (again) and kamikaze dive-bombs into my car. I freak out (again). But this time I've got a situation to handle. So I manage to lose the cicada in the car and I continue to fumble for my registration.

The cop comes and asks for my license and registration. I tell him I'm working on it and that there's a live cicada in the car and not to freak out if it flies up at him. This was really just a courtesy because I'm sure whether he was warned or not, he was gonna freak out if the cicada came up from underneath the tape deck and dive-bombed him in the head. So he chuckled and asked if I knew why he pulled me over. "Because I rolled through that stop sign that I -..." and I stopped myself just in time, despite the fact that I was high at 10:45 in the morning (Ed. note: Dustin likes to lie a lot. Good luck separating the truth from the bullshit (Ed note 2: Not only do I edit my own material, but I do it as I type it, which isn't really editing at all. My English teacher is probably rolling over in her grave right now. Except she's still alive, so she's probably just rolling over in her bed. Sorry about the rant, but I've been hitting myself in the head with a bat for the last half hour).). [Where the hell was I?] Long story medium, he gave me a warning. I don't know if it was because I worked at UMBC, my humorous and jovial demeanor, or the fact that he made me play with his testicles for 10 minutes, but I got off (I'm not going there). But now there's a cicada in my car and it gives me the willies because I couldn't find it. As the cop was writing the warning, I actually got out of my car and looked under the seats for the damn thing, but to no avail. So I'm gonna have a dead suffocated or heat-stroked cicada in my car. And maybe I'll have about 500 more of them in my car in 17 years. That would probably shoot the resale value to shit.

Quote of the Day 5/31/04

"You know if you pinch their wings together, they can't move."

-OIT Dan


I think this quote is funny because a 23-yr-old Aikido brown belt TA has owned up to knowing a submission hold for cicadas. I'm sure his students are proud.

Using the AC for a few weeks,

Hiding cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

On the Way

On the Way

So I want to throw another one of these out here real quick before I leave for a week to Austin. In case you didn't know, I'm going to Texas to visit my sis for a week. And I'm not doing it the traditional way. I'm taking a train from Washington to Austin. And I'm going through Chicago. I guess it's on the way. I should check my map. And then I'm flying back from Houston to Baltimore. I haven't yet figured out how I'm getting from Austin to Houston, but it's only Texas. It can't be that big of a state. OK, it's late. I'm gonna have to go pack. Do they give you pillows on a train?

Quote of the Day 5/23/04

"Well, it's not exactly the way the crow would fly."

-Mr. Hershey (about my train's stop in Chicago)


The crow would probably have a 3 hour layover in Dallas/Fort Worth.

It's a step up from Greyhound,

Austin Fisher.


Still Standing Right Here...