Double Feature Duel: Rise of the Planet of the Apes vs. 12:01

Double Feature Duel:
Rise of the Planet of the Apes vs. 12:01

Bout #17: Jenn was out of town (Afghanistan – so WAY out of town), so I took advantage and went to the movies with Matt to see the new Planet of the Apes. It was awesome. Then I rented an old, cheesy 80s flick recommended based on my appreciation for Source Code. It didn’t suck.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: I already spoke at length about the awesomeness of this equal (see my review). 10 bugs

12:01: Groundhog Day meets Can’t Buy Me Love. Some cheesy 80s actor wakes up on the same day over and over – only its scientifically explained – and tries to save some cheesy 80s actress. And it works and they kiss in a very inappropriate place at the end. But it didn’t hurt anybody. 6 bugs.

Title: Boxed in by the formula. Sorry ROTPOTA. Besides, 12:01 is pretty clever anyway. It gets your movie in alphabetical order in a lot of crap (Point, 12:01 0-1)

Funnier: I was visiting Jenn’s family down in Texas and her nephew daddy asked if I had seen the new Planet of the Apes movie. I was excited. Finally, I was going to have a legitimate conversation with him about something I liked! I blabbed on about the impressive storyline and the homage to the original series. He retorted with “I didn’t like it. It wasn’t that funny.” And then we talked about football. (Point, 12:01 0-2)

Better Turn: After living in the Ape Imporium for a while, James Franco finally bribed the right guy to get Caesar back out. Then Caesar shut the door on him. Bad ass. (Point, Rise of POTA 1-2)

Better Ending: Picture the most cheesy ending of a Moonlighting episode ever. Well, 12:01 started with that and added some more soft lighting. (Point, Rise of POTA 2-2)

Better Message: Though mostly for entertainment purposes, Rise of POTA brought up some legitimate points in relation to testing drugs on animals. If you’re going to do it, make sure it doesn’t make them smarter than us. (Point, Rise of POTA 3-2)

Better Acting: What percentage of a character needs to be human for it to be nominated for an Oscar? 50? 65? Because I’d like to see Andy Serkis get nominated for his role as an ape. (Point, Rise of POTA 4-2)

More Creative: Rise of POTA would probably win this in a landslide on another day. But 12:01 gave it a run for its money. Actually, nevermind that. (Point, Rise of POTA 5-2)

Poster: It basically stole the Quantum Leap light motion lines and the clock from Groundhog Day. Not to mention the plot. (Point, Rise of POTA 6-2)

Watch again: I will try super hard to get Jenn to watch Rise of POTA as soon as I can. Either way, I do not have the same drive for 12:01. (Point, Rise of POTA 7-2)

Overall: Bad ass meets clever meets awesome effects meets touching. I am pleasantly surprised by this remake. Thankfully, Tim Burton looks to be done with the series. Winner: Rise of POTA (7-2)

Double Feature Duel: The First 32

Double Feature Duel:

The First 32

And so it is written. The first 32 movies have been watched, rated and battled and 30 have gone the way of the Harry Potter franchise, and that’s to say that it’s over. Congrats to Big Fish and The Nines who shocked no one – or at least no one who wasn’t shocked by the ending of Transformers – and made it through to the Final Four. Once the second half of the bracket has been whittled down to the other two Final Four teams, I’m going to watch all four movies again and determine an overall winner of this silly little game. And then I’ll hopefully turn my sites to more productive endeavors. Like logging all of my cassette tapes into an excel file.

A few things of note from the first 32 movies of the tournament:

Upset: Body of Lies (7) making it to the Sweet 16 with two upset victories over The Pixar Story (7.5) and Bridesmaids (8.5)

Franchise: I got into the Planet of the Apes movies in preparation for the new movie and 4 are represented in the Baltimore Quadrant, all from the original 60s and 70s series. They went 3-3 and had an average of 4.5 bug rating. The original with Charlton Heston made it to the Sweet 16.

Documentaries: Documentaries and movies based on real life events are going to have a tough time with these categories. They went 2-4 with An Inconvenient Truth and The Cove getting to second round.

The Baltimore Quadrant (17-32)

The Philadelphia Quadrant (1-16)

Also, you’ll note the names of the brackets go in order of where I lived. In case you were dumb or don’t know who I am. In which case, why the hell are you reading this? And thanks. Tell all your friends.

Quick Inside Slant: Week Twelve:

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Twelve:

Well, the Eagles season is all but officially over. I really enjoyed the scenarios they spit at us on Thursday night about how if we win out and the Giants beat the Cowboys twice and lose two of their other three games that we could get into the playoffs. Right before we proceeded to get our ass beat by the third NFC West team this year. It’s fitting that the guy who coined the term “Dream Team” was forced to eat those words on national television himself with his four picks. But I don’t blame him nearly as much for the loss as DeSean Jackson. He mistimed his catch on two balls in the end zone against the Patriots. He tried to wait until he had a contract to secure the ball.

Seriously, what a quitter. I can’t wait to not have to root for him anymore. During the Seahawks game, he ran his routes downfield and rarely even looked back to Vince for the ball. I can understand if you’re not gonna block for your running back. That has more to do with being a coward than a quitter. But now he’s not even looking for the ball. I hope he goes the way of Eric Lindross and T.O. and we just sit him there to rot for the rest of the season. Then he can be someone else’s cancer. But his little pouty face and bullshit attitude will likely cost him millions of dollars in the long run. And that is what I tell myself to sleep at night.

In other news, there is finally a white cornerback in the league for the first time since Jason Sehorn. And he’s actually a college quarterback turned wide receiver. His name is Julian Edelman and of course he plays for Bill Belichick. Because he has the ability to take unknown players and put them into the right position to help his football team be the dominant team it has been for the last decade. Which is the opposite of what the Eagles do.

Bullshit Call of the Week: I don’t watch a lot of European soccer because I have respect for myself. But what Jerome Simpson from the Bengals did last week against the Browns was Vlade Divac ridiculous. Professional wrestlers were taking notes. John Kerry called him afterwards to congratulate him. Then he rescinded his compliment. The ref did exactly what you’re taught not to do and, having only seen a small part of what happened, filled in the rest of the information in his head, thus rewarding Simpson for his Jack Nicholson class acting job. And the NFL didn’t fine him at all. That’s even more bullshitier than the ref’s original call.

Bullshit GM Move of the Week: Let’s say I invite you to make me dinner. You have a favorite spatula that you’re comfortable with so you bring it. I don’t let you in the door until 10 minutes before the guests arrive. Then I take your spatula and throw it out the window. Instead, I hand you a spork with two missing prongs and a car tire. Then I tell all my guests that our shitty dinner is your fault. Who are we? Yes, you’re Jack Del Rio and I’m Wayne Weaver. And Luke McCown is the car tire.

Teammates of the Week: I saw a highlight that showed Devin Hester back to return a punt and figured I would hear the familiar chalkboard-like shrieks of “Why does anybody punt to him” by the formulaic talking heads on SportsCenter. Instead, I saw a punt travel 80 yards IN THE AIR! Holy crap. And no, nobody was able to down it, so it only netted 60 yards. This came on the same day that Janikowski kicked 6 field goals to beat the Bears. Make fun of kickers if you want, but there’s a reason they have them in the game. And there’s a reason they’re the only two players left over from their 2003 AFC champion team.

Karmic Play of the Week: Steve Johnson caught a touchdown pass and mocked Plaxico Burress by pretending to shoot himself in his literal leg. Then he shot himself in the metaphoric foot later, costing his team the game. Karma is a pretend gun, Stevie.

Double Feature Duel (Rd4): The Nines vs. Source Code

Double Feature Duel (Rd4):
The Nines vs. Source Code

10 vs. 10. A first in the very short history of the Double Feature Duel. And since the winner of this will get to square off against Big Fish, it won’t be the last. So will it be the existential romp through multiple worlds that raises questions about consciousness and creation? Or the other existential romp through multiple worlds that raises questions about consciousness and creation? If I were a betting man, I’d say it was going to be the existential romp through (do ya get it, yet?)…

Title: This is my fourth critique for each of these movies and I’m just now beginning to figure out that the title of Source Code has very little to actually do with the movie. Besides, I love the abstruseness of “The Nines.” And I’m tired of writing the word “ambiguity.” (Point, The Nines 1-0)

Funnier: You could pretty much just flip a coin here. But I don’t know why you would do that. The Nines is easily the funnier flick. (Point, The Nines 2-0)

Better Turn: The Nines has a very complicated turn. Like a string theory-type of turn that changed directions into another dimension. Or like starting over in MegaMan 2. Either way, I’m taking the more proper, yet still dramatic turn from the other guy. (Point, Source Code 2-1)

Better Ending: Hoo-ah! The first real challenge. Both were super strong and very geeky. Both wind up posing some very interesting questions about reality, though the complexity that Source Code conveys with such clarity is, shall I say, quite neat. (Point, Source Code 2-2)

Better Message: I can’t say enough about the questions that The Nines posed, which I understand are not necessarily a “message” per se. But Source Code was out at the bar when the message competition took place. (Point, The Nines 3-2)

Better Acting: Yes, I know Jake was nominated for an Oscar, but he didn’t get to play 3 different characters in his movie. (Point, The Nines 4-2)

Poster: Once again, I hate the gun and the tagline from Source Code. But The Nines went a little too far toward “Shhh! Don’t let anyone know what this movie is about. Or that it exists.” Which is why I didn’t know it existed until the morning I saw it. (Point, Source Code 4-3)

More Creative: In previous rounds, I have said it would take a miracle to lose this category about both movies. I guess this is a miracle then. And I’m going to have to go with Source Code here just because I fear that I’ve been giving a little too much credit to The Nines for the parts I don’t fully understand. (Point, Source Code 4-4)

Watch again: This is kinda tough because I really want to see them both again. But it’s also not really tough at all, because I don’t think there’s a movie out there that I want to see again more than The Nines right now. At least not one where the women keep their clothes on the whole time. (Point, The Nines 5-4)

Overall: And so The Nines wins the battle of the tens. I guess it was slightly tennier than Source Code. Congrats. Now onto the Cincinnati Quadrant. Winner: The Nines (5-4)

Double Feature Duel (Rd3): Adjustment Bureau vs. Source Code

Double Feature Duel (Rd3):
Adjustment Bureau vs. Source Code

The best application of quantum physics in a movie not explicitly about quantum physics against a 6-bug movie who played in a bracket with a 5.5-bug movie, a 3-bug movie and a 1-bug movie. I have a favorite.

Title: OK. First challenge. I like it. Both are a geeky indication of things to come. But Adjustment Bureau threw off the scent, as it could have easily been another courtroom thriller. As evidenced by the fact that I thought it was. (Point, Adjustment 1-0)

Funnier: The Russell Peters cameo isn’t going to reach that far. (Point, Adjustment Bureau 2-0)

Better Turn: I loved the turn in Source Code. It gave the movie the awesome purpose that we’d see over the next hour. But it didn’t make my eyes bulge and my jaw drop. Score one for me not seeing it coming. (Point, Adjustment 3-0)

Better Ending: Whoa! Look who jumped out to an early lead! Kinda like the actual movie before it shot itself in the foot. (Point, Source Code 3-1)

Better Message: Neither really sets out to change the world, but I’m taking away points from Adjustment Bureau for the saccharin-laced pixie stick it forced down my throat at the end. (Point, Source Code 3-2)

Better Acting: I’m trying to figure out a marquee moment in either film and the only one I’m coming up with is the bathroom scene in Adjustment Bureau. So I guess that wins it. Wow. (Point, Adjustment 4-2)

More Creative: I’ll certainly give a nod to Adjustment Bureau for competing. Most movies would get lapped by Source Code in this category. (Point, Source Code4-3)

Poster: After competing against two movies from 40 years ago, Adjustment Bureau isn’t getting the same escape clause here. And it’s a shame that they opted not to compete in this category, because it could have earned this underdog an accidental trip to the Elite Eight. (Point, Source Code 4-4)

Watch again: And it’s over. I may actually watch Source Code and The Nines again before I write the next MvM because I like them both that much. Not the case with Adjustment Bureau, the last 20 minutes of which I wish I could unsee from the first go around. (Point, Source Code 4-5)

Overall: Well, Source Code was never ahead and that was kinda scary. But it survived. And now for the first ever matchup of two 10-bug movies. I know I’m excited. Winner: Source Code (5-4)