Inside the Head of a Performer V: The Warm-Up – Part 1

Inside the Head of a Performer V: The Warm-Up – Part 1
Fan-Freakin-Tastic

Due to an overestimation of either how easy it is to do stand-up comedy or how funny I am, I landed a gig opening for Aries Spears at the Lyric in front of potentially 1,500 people. Because when you think of who should set up the crowd for some physical low-brow African-American humor, I am the obvious choice.

Anyway, the University’s Student Events Board asked me to open for Aries Spears on May 13th. They asked me to do “10 to 20 minutes,” probably not realizing the vast canyon separating those two units of measurement when it comes to stand-up comedy. We’ve since settled on 15 minutes, but unaffected by the time I will be on stage is the crowd I will be performing in front of. How the hell am I going to appeal to a bunch of his fans? My typical “Hey, have you thought about this?” and “How about this play on words?” is dangerous for that amount of time when the crowd expects to see a dumbed down Shaq impression.

Thankfully, when I told Vijai about the show, she jumped on the chance to help me out and found me a spot in her monthly comedy show, Fan-Freakin-Tastic. I really wanted to practice the only real physical bit that I feel comfortable with, which is the Douchebag Dance. It’s a story that is about 5-8 minutes long that I use in Logic, Luck and Love, but I’ve never tried in front of a stand-up crowd. Unfortunately for me, this crowd is already predisposed to a storytelling style of comedy, which makes them a much more forgiving and patient audience. This is normally a great thing, but not if you want some very specific and honest feedback. Oh well. You gotta play the hand that’s dealt.

First of all, I haven’t performed anywhere since our Valentine’s Day remount of Logic, Luck and Love. And that night was kind of a coming out party for me as a professional. As nervous a wreck as I ever was, about 5 minutes before showtime, a peaceful serenity came over me and I just felt like “I got this.” I never had a confidence like that on stage and I had never had a bigger show. It was almost like I was a professional.

So this night at Chief Ike’s was very similar. I felt a little nervous twice: after my first practice run-through, which I didn’t do until an hour before I was going to leave to get to the show when I realized I didn’t have this stuff memorized like I thought I did yet, and again just as I was getting up onto the stage in fear that I may have accidentally gotten myself too drunk. I stuck to the three beer rule, but it had been a while since implementation so I may have lost some of my tolerance. Plus, I drank four beers.

Before I Begin

Before I Begin

So I’m assuming a lot of you probably got here from the UB online marketing blitz for the Aries Spears show. Which means I probably work with you or for you or against you on some level. This is a concern.

I was a little (a lot) hesitant to publicly divulge this web address on any UB-related material because though most people know I “do stand-up,” most people don’t really know what that means. Four years ago, I didn’t either. But the UB marketing powers that be thought I would look more professional if I had my own website to promote, which I do. So I figured “well, here goes nothing.”

All comics across the country have day jobs, save for maybe 200 people that can sustain a living somehow. And all those people live in New York or L.A. So we all have to at some point make a decision about whether or not to disclose this information to our day job colleagues and how much of it we can afford to reveal. This is based on three factors: 1) the comedy material one may find, 2) the job one has and 3) the likelihood anyone who you don’t want to see it will see it. For example, people who get up and do holocaust and woman-bashing material should probably just not do more than tell people a casual “Yeah, I do stand-up on occasion.” No websites, no pamphlets, don’t ever let your colleagues know where you’re performing. Secondly, if you are a high school teacher, it’s probably best to hide that stand-up info from people. My buddy has a fake name and two facebook pages and I get confused, but I understand. Third, though the information is out there, sometimes you just kind of assume that certain people won’t find themselves to your website. If wrong however, that could get you into lots of trouble. These same rules apply to mothers, ex-girlfriends, and some intelligent pets.

And so, here I am. Exposing my other life to my work life. I’m sure others before me have involved their personal life in their work life. I just ask that you take it with the understanding that it’s stand-up comedy. And it’s not like what you think it is. There is cursing. There are sex jokes. This is necessary to get started in the business, trust me. I don’t have time to explain it all now, but on a scale of local performing stand-up comedians, I’m among the cleanest. Maybe I’ll have time to explain that all soon enough. But for now, I only ask that you turn on your sense of humor and tolerance and give me the benefit of the doubt. Even Seinfeld tells dick jokes in clubs. And what’s good enough for Seinfeld is good enough for me.

In the meantime, check out some of my videos on the right side of this site. You'll notice a sharp contrast in styles between me and Aries Spears, which is probably not good, but will make for a very interesting night.

Video: Dustin Plays Guitar?

Dustin Plays Guitar? from Fan-Freakin-Tastic.

I don't normally play guitar on stage but I thought I'd try something new. Don't get used to it.

Quote of the Day 16-Year Anniversary

Quote of the Day 16-Year Anniversary!!!

Happy Sweet 16^th, Quote of the Day! Yep, that’s right. The QOTD turned 16 today, making it legal to drive in the United States, drink alcohol in France or walk a pig through town off his leash in rural Arkansas (with a note from one’s parents). And like most 16-year olds, the QOTD is barely recognizable now – having matured from a humble e-mail column highlighting stupid puns, which in its prime had about 380 people reading it daily – to a fully functional website with color and pictures and insightful, well-written social commentary which is probably read by about 1% of those people. I know. I need a marketing director. But that’s not what I came here to talk about today. Today is a day to celebrate.

Sixteen. I started this when I was 20. So yes, earlier this year, I turned 36 – a normally uneventful turning of a day on the calendar. But with my wit (need for attention) combined with my insecurity about getting old, I have found three fascinating points to dwell on and get depressed about, normally reserved for birthdays like 18 and 40.

1. I am now legally allowed to go to an R rated movie with someone half my age (and by "go to an R rated movie," he means "copulate"). As I am now engaged to the love of my life, I'm not allowed to, but I’m just saying that I can. Legally. Not morally. Or aerobically.

2. I am now closer to 40 than I am to 30. I could always picture myself still playing full-contact football at 30. But at 40? Maybe that’s why I get concussions and torn rotator cuffs when I play and can only play every 6 weeks. It’s starting to make sense. This doesn’t really mean too much in the scheme of things, but played out further, it’s pretty disturbing. This means I’m closer to 50 than I am to 20. So it’s more socially acceptable for me to go vote with a 50-year old than a 20-year old (by "go vote," he means "copulate"). This means that all the college students that work with me – well, I’m closer to their parent’s age than theirs. Thank God I’m not single. That fact may have sent me off the Key Bridge. Or at least to the little blue pill. Also, I’m closer to 60 than I am to 10. Moving on. And finally, I’m closer to 70 than I am to 0. Less depressing from a dating standpoint, but not from a death standpoint. 70 is a pretty respectable number to live to. If I live to 72, this could very well be the exact middle point of my life. That seems like a moment that I should really pay more attention to, and odds are that instead of reflecting on things accomplished and things to come, I’ll be watching reruns of Two and a Half Men. Thankfully, the odds are not looking too good for me making it to 70.

3. The girl I had my first kiss with now has a daughter who is as old as the first girl I ever had a cigarette with (and by "had a cigarette with," he actually means "had a cigarette with"(after they copulated)). I’m still not sure how to process that information, but it once again gives me another reason to be happy that I found a wonderful woman who I am happily engaged to. Until she reads this.

So this is normally the part of the Anniversary Edition where I normally go through a brief history of the QOTD, complete with highlights and past year QOTD winners (when we had them). Sorry, but I think I dried up that well last year. Now that I’m planning a wedding, in the MFA program and getting concussions, time has gotten tight. I also don’t want to make a bunch of promises I can’t keep like I did last year. So instead, I’ll make a promise that I can keep, but I’ll break them anyway. Because nobody tells Dustin what to do, not even Past Dustin! So every so often, mostly whenever I feel like it and seem to have something left over in the both the tanks of Time and Creativity, I’ll post something. Actually, I’m still shooting for having a Top 16 of QOTD past every week. What the hell? Why set goals you can keep? Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you’ll be among the stars. Actually, that’s entirely false. You’re no closer to any star than here on earth, just lots colder and without atmosphere and likely ripped apart by dark energy. But I’m doing it anyway. Happy Birthday, buddy. And thanks for the memories.

Ranking the 2010 Best Picture Nominees

Ranking the 2010 Best Picture Nominees

For the second year in a row, the Oscars have gone with a 10-nominee field for Best Picture and a 2-host system. They still have no idea what they’re doing since Billy Crystal stopped hosting 7 or 10 or 13 years ago. But I like the 10-nominee format, despite the fact that the 5 not also nominated for Best Director will never win. These five movies should just be called the “Special Recognition Category” and there would be no winner. Thanks, Inception. You were brilliantly smart, visually ground-breaking and super entertaining. You get ringside seats to see The Social Network and The King’s Speech duke it out for the prize that you won’t get.

I made it a point to go see all 10 movies before the Oscars this year for reasons I’m not sure were very important. I guess I just wanted to pretend to be informed and sound snootier at an Oscars Party this year. Which I’m not going to. And sounding snooty to Jenn isn’t nearly as fun because she already knows I’m full of shit. But anyway, I ranked the top 10 Best Picture nominees in order of how good I thought they were, not who I thought would win. I asked Jenn to do the same so we could get the woman’s perspective and stole some info from Rotten Tomatoes to see what the snooty critics thought too. And yes, I was nice enough to compile all that info here on one blog post that no one will ever read.

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Dustin's Rankings Inception The Fighter The Social Network Toy Story 3 Black Swan 127 Hours True Grit The Kids Are All Right The King's Speech Winter's Bone

Jenn's Rankings Inception Black Swan The Fighter The King's Speech True Grit The Social Network Toy Story 3 127 Hours The Kids Are All Right Winter's Bone

RT.com Rankings Toy Story 3 (99) The Social Network (96) True Grit (95) Winter's Bone (95) The Kids Are All Right (94) The King's Speech (94) 127 Hours (93) The Fighter (90) Black Swan (88) Inception (96)

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1. Inception – It’s possible I’m being swayed by the brilliance of Memento and the Prestige, but this would probably still be my favorite movie if it was directed by the Farrelly Brothers. That’s a lie. Anyway, this is the kind of intelligence that people don’t put into movies anymore. He takes a concept and follows through with it with absolute precision. If you analyzed the dream within a dream concept of time, I’ll bet that it all adds up to what it’s supposed to, whereas most writers or directors wouldn’t care if there were little plot holes. Chris Nolan has done what I had hoped M. Night Shyamalan would. Except Nolan follows Memento with the Batman movies and a few other great movies, capping it off with Inception. Shyamalan had Unbreakable and then a bunch of shit (Lady In the Water? Really) that continually discredits The Sixth Sense. Transition from small budget intimacy to multi-million dollar blockbuster complete.

2. The Fighter – Apparently Mark Wahlberg has pigeon-holed himself into sports movies based on real-life events back in the 80s. But this one was more than a sports movie. This was more about addition than it was sports. I loved Geoffrey Rush in The King’s Speech but Christian Bale did the best acting job I think I have ever seen with his role in this. About 45 minutes into the movie, we find out that the HBO cameras shooting the documentary aren’t making a film about Christian’s comeback at all, but a movie about crack addition and it hit me like the reveal in the Sixth Sense. And that entire sequence played over Good Times Bad Times was awesome. You could feel the movie turn. I’m not sure how much of this was actually based on a true story, but that stuff doesn’t matter as much to me. This was great for many reasons. Go see it.

3. The Social Network – I’d have to check again, but I think this might be the best dialogue in any movie I’ve ever seen. It was fast, it was fun and it was smart. I was pleasantly surprised by this and I don’t think they made Mark Zuckerberg out to be an ass at all. Just a really justifiably arrogant and brilliant guy. I can relate. I just don’t think a movie about facebook can really win the Best Picture. If so, facebook has officially taken over the world. Congrats.

4. Toy Story 3 – This is an excellent movie when watched through the perspective of an anthropomorphic toy. But when viewed through the perspective of a college student’s emotional development, it’s a rather sad tale. Still, I cried once at the end. And then I REALLY cried at the REALLY end.

5. Black Swan – This is the most critically acclaimed movie I will ever masturbate to. Wow. And it’s artsy and has ballet in it, so it’s OK. But wow. And honestly, Natalie Portman deserves this Oscar. What a fucked up character that she pulled off perfectly. And the whole ballet thing too. Those weren’t lookalikes. At least not all of them. The Fountain, by Aronofsky was one of the worst movies I’ve seen. This was much better. Pi was somewhere in the middle, as it usually is.

6. 127 Hours – Well, I reported on this movie at length already, but it’s worth seeing. Once. I think it was only nominated because somebody had the guts to make a movie which 75% of it was in one place stuck under a rock.

7. True Grit – Because it’s the Coen Brothers, I think I wanted to like this movie more than I actually did. It was fun in parts, but it was a remake of a movie that already exists and it was slow and boring for most of the movie. I don’t think it’s going to start a western revival. Hailee Steinfeld was nominated for Best Supporting Actress, despite having about 10-15 minutes more screen time than Best Actor nominee Jeff Bridges. They imagine this was because they wanted her to be in a category she could actually win. Can they do that? Aren’t there any fucking rules? If so, why not nominate her for Best Animated Short?

8. The Kids Are All Right – I need to start with the title of this. What the hell? Really? And they didn’t even play the Who song? I really liked that there was a movie about real life functional lesbians raising children. And I liked the message that life is hard. But they never really wrapped up the father’s character and I’m not sure what the point was. With the lack of a point comes the feeling that this was more like a series of things that happened rather than a plot. But cheers to the LGBT community.

9. The King’s Speech – I was tricked at first too. I was enamored by the performances of Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush. But after peeling that away and reflecting a bit, I really didn’t like this film. It took London’s – nay – the world’s darkest hour in history and made it about a man with a stuttering problem. It was uplifting to deliver the news that the world was ending. Hitler was a legitimate role model for a few seconds. It’s about triumph over adversity and I love that concept of trying to make yourself a better person, and it drove the point home by including all the elements that normally go into a formulaic underdog sports movie. Cheesy montage workout scene longer than any in The Fighter leading up to a climax of an ending on the grandest of stages. And the worst was the beginning of the second act when the writers forced an argument between player and coach to create drama. History has met formula in a triumph I couldn’t care less about.

10. Winter’s Bone – People aren’t just good or bad. They have different motivations that may blur the lines between what is conventionally right and wrong. There. I saved you 2 hours of your time. You’re welcome. Oh, and the deep south is fucked up. Like you needed me for that one.