the third day of Quotemas 2006

Video Killed the Christmas Shopper

Technology is a wonderful thing, but it’s actually making it harder to shop for people. You can’t buy CDs anymore because it’s so easy to download music illegally. And with Netflix and digital cable and DVRs, you can’t really buy DVDs anymore either. And with streaming internet and unprotected free wireless signals floating around everywhere, you really don’t even need to buy porn anymore. I hope everybody likes Corona bottle shaped lava lamps, because that’s pretty much all there is left. This is why I’m glad I decided that I don’t care if people like their gifts or not. That’s this year’s theme.

Speaking of porn, I recently heard that 1% of all the pages on the internet are porn…


The Third Day of Quotemas 2006

“That’s it? I would think that much would just be Asian porn.”
- Christmas Conover

A porn quote on Christmas Eve. Nobody tell my mom.

Tech the halls,
Dustinaclaus.

Still Standing Right Here…

the second day of Quotemas 2006

The Burden of Being Santa

So I’ve been doing something for about a week now that I recommend all of you do around Christmastime. And no, it’s not eating all the cookie dough before mom and Char ruin it by putting it in the oven. (Though I do recommend that too. It’s sooOOOOooooo good that way!) Anyway, I have been doing something as simple as wearing a Santa hat around when I go out in public. (When I first wrote that, I wrote down “Satan hat.” That would have conveyed a much different meaning than I had intended.) Anyway, it makes people smile at you and if you’re just as cheerful back to them or even go so far as to say Merry Christmas to them just after you make eye contact and see their little smile start to crack, it really brightens their day. Unless they’re a grinch. Or Jewish. Or Quanzican. But it’s a hit or miss world, sometimes you just gotta roll with the odds. It’s also a good angle to take with any hot chicks that you might want to talk to that you otherwise wouldn’t. But then you’d probably need to get a little drunk first to get your courage up. And Santa’s helpers send off a different message when they’re sloppy falling down ignorant drunks. I’m not saying there’s not an angle there, but I haven’t learned how to play that hand yet. Maybe one of you can figure that out and pass on the info. Thanks.

This segues nicely into the one issue I want to bring up before you take on this task of wearing a Santa around to bring smiles to the greater public (and prey on the fragile, unsuspecting, Christmas-loving hotties who thought you were just in it to bring smiles to the greater public). When wearing a Santa hat, you must remember you are wearing a Santa hat. Now that I’ve been at it for a week, I can remember well enough when I see people smile at me that it’s not because I’m just that hot. But in the beginning, I forgot after a while of walking around. I went shopping uptown in Oxford and I had an unusual amount of people wish me a Merry Christmas. Now it was a good thing, don’t get me wrong – but then there were certain times I was weirded out. Like when this old lady rolled her window down at a red light to wish me a Merry Christmas. I told her to shut up and go creep somebody else out. Now I realize that “Thanks and Merry Christmas to you too” would have been a much more appropriate response. A few minutes later a cute college girl told me she liked my hat. The hat! That’s right. Unfortunately I was so disappointed to realize that I was garnering all this attention because of my hat and not for the grueling workout regiment I’ve been on for the last 3 days that I forgot how to play this to my advantage and just told her to go fuck off. So yeah, what I’m saying is that wearing a Santa hat comes with a sort of understood responsibility to be at least somewhat nice. Like you can’t be wearing a Santa hat in your jeep and cut people off and then give them the finger and throw raw bacon out your back window and their windshield. Well, you can go ahead and do anything you want, I’m just thinking though that you probably shouldn’t.

Now it has come to my attention that the last quote was not that funny. I think a lot of it was lost in translation. It was the pause between the “It’s like a sitcom that comes on…” and the “every once in a while” that didn’t convey the proper comedic timing that I needed it to when I wrote it down. Char thinks I needed more dots. The three weren’t enough. In retrospect, I think it just might not have been very funny to people that weren’t there. I can accept this. Hell, I didn’t say it. Tom is stupid anyway. He cheats at fantasy football…

The Second Day of Quotemas 2006

“Fantasy football is like Dungeons & Dragons for guys who used to make fun of Dungeons & Dragons in high school.”

-Dave Bradshaw

He admittedly stole this from a comedian, but we can’t think of who, so Dave gets a point for now.

Ho-ho!

Santa’s ding-dong.

Still Standing Right Here…

On the first day of Quotemas 2006…

On the first day of Quotemas 2006…

Hello all you wonderfully holiday cheerfully awesome people. It’s that time of year again. The time of year where you say to yourself “Damnit! I can’t believe I waited this long to do my Christmas shopping again. Next year, I’m starting in freakin July!” Well, here’s how I’ve decided to combat that. I’m not going to worry about it. I tried to do one really creative project for Christmas this year and I’m probably not going to finish that until February sometime. Maybe I can give it away as a surprise President’s Day gift. But I’ve decided I’m not going to stress out about whether or not I got stuff for everybody I wanted to and whether it was something that they want or can use or deserve. And I’m certainly not going to make up for the lack of creativity with a lot of money that I don’t have. Among other things I’m not going to worry about are overbaked cookies, lateness of previously mentioned gifts and innocent, misinterpreted comments that are supposed to be funny. I’m honestly going to be more concerned about whether or not they are funny than offensive. Just a merry holiday warning for all of you.

Sorry about the cynicism, but I’ve recently gotten into a relationship that I don’t know that I want to be in. On paper, it looks like we’d be great together. She’s a third year grad student and I’m… old. Trust me, in that town, that’s as old as single girls get. Anyway, I like to hang out with her and her friends and there will be more coming on this later, but if I’m going to try to get 12 of these out before Christmas, I’m gonna have to get moving. It’s like I’m hydrogen and she’s beryllium. There’s just no chemistry between us. (And I don’t care how poorly that joke tested on my control group yesterday. It’s not my fault you don’t realize that hydrogen is an unstable gas. You need to study up on your comedy.) Anyway, Tom had mentioned he was glad that it wasn’t working out between me and said girl because it makes me funnier and it suits his purposes better…

First Day of Quotemas 2006

“It’s like a sitcom that comes on… every once in a while. I want it to be funny when it’s on.”
-Tom, my life coach

Honestly, he’s not the only one in that boat. I have a new theory on why I can’t find any women.


Shopping for stuff you won’t want,
Extendaclaus.


Still Standing Right Here…

Loins & Linen, Groins & Garb

Loins & Linen, Groins & Garb

Well, when I originally decided to leave all my friends and family behind on the east coast to move to Fantasy Island, I did it because I wanted to find out more about myself, to see what I was made of. As it turns out, I’m made of tinfoil and yarn. Like I couldn’t have found that out without moving all my crap 600 miles inland. So it looks like I tore my groin again. Or at least pulled it. And not in the fun way (if I’m going to go through the same injuries, I’m going to use the same jokes). This is going to completely ruin my sex life. Now I’m going to have to watch porn sitting down.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw out a quick hitter since I haven’t yapped at you cats in about a month. I’ve actually been working my ass off (another injury I’ll tell you about later) on this special project I’ve been given by my boss’s boss’s boss. But when I asked, he was actually able to grant me more hours in the day so I guess I can’t complain too much. But I really should be getting to bed. I need to squeeze in at least 2 hours sleep if I’m going to be working 28 hours tomorrow.

Speaking of things ruining my sex life (segue successful), I have serious wardrobe issues. All the outfits that Steph dressed me in years ago have all gotten lost or stained or I forgot how to match them with other stuff that I have. It was easy, I was told exactly what matched with what and how to wear clothes and when stuff was appropriate and everything. But now I’m trying new stuff out here and it’s tougher to try to fit into this Fantasy Island society also. So I’ve taken to trying some new techniques. I tried wearing this corduroy shirt with jeans and socks with sandals. My sister looks down and asks me if I’m seriously wearing socks with sandals. I tried to tell her that I was going for this “I don’t care what anybody thinks of me” look and how that was going to work for me. She agreed. Kinda…

Quote of the Day 12/11/06

"Yeah, it kinda has this ‘I’m definitely not picking up any chicks tonight’ thing going on.”

-Sisfish.


Looks like I’m going to need to tweak that outfit a little bit.

Sitting out the next dance,

Groinless in Ohio.


Still Standing Right Here…

The Republicants

The Republicants

Congratulations everybody! We did it! I think the most brilliant part of our strategy was having Kerry run against Bush so that he'd stay in office long enough to piss off America so bad that we'd overreact and vote for anybody who pretended to be a Democrat. Or at least a non-Republican. I think the Whig Party had a better shot at winning the House majority than the Elephants. Actually, I think the "Dress Up Like Your Favorite thirtysomething Character" Halloween Party had a better chance than the Republican Party. The Democrats employed their brilliant strategy of slowly backing out of the room while their brother was getting yelled at. And it worked! Victory is ours! After like 12 or so years, it's finally our turn to screw up the country. Tax and spend baby! There's already a bill proposed called "Only a Few Children Per Hundred Left Behind." Just like the good old days when I think I was left behind. I'm also looking forward to getting rid of that trickle-down economic theory where they give rich people all the money and hope that they give some to us or something like that. It's right there in the name of it – they're pissing on us. I want to see some "trickle-up" economics employed in the next couple years. That actually sounds a lot more difficult physically though. Maybe first thing in the morning I may have a shot at it. Truth be told, I get all of my political information from SportsCenter and Comedy Central. I think I stole something from Jon Stewart, Dennis Miller, Stephen Colbert and Rich Eisen just to write that last paragraph...

Quote of the Day 11/12/06

"A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it."

-George W. Bush


The polls are in ladies and gentlemen…. And sleep wins! In a landslide.

My name is Dustin Fisher and I approve this message.

Sen. Dustin Fisher, (W-Ohio).


Still Standing Right Here...