On the first day of Quotemas 2006…

On the first day of Quotemas 2006…

Hello all you wonderfully holiday cheerfully awesome people. It’s that time of year again. The time of year where you say to yourself “Damnit! I can’t believe I waited this long to do my Christmas shopping again. Next year, I’m starting in freakin July!” Well, here’s how I’ve decided to combat that. I’m not going to worry about it. I tried to do one really creative project for Christmas this year and I’m probably not going to finish that until February sometime. Maybe I can give it away as a surprise President’s Day gift. But I’ve decided I’m not going to stress out about whether or not I got stuff for everybody I wanted to and whether it was something that they want or can use or deserve. And I’m certainly not going to make up for the lack of creativity with a lot of money that I don’t have. Among other things I’m not going to worry about are overbaked cookies, lateness of previously mentioned gifts and innocent, misinterpreted comments that are supposed to be funny. I’m honestly going to be more concerned about whether or not they are funny than offensive. Just a merry holiday warning for all of you.

Sorry about the cynicism, but I’ve recently gotten into a relationship that I don’t know that I want to be in. On paper, it looks like we’d be great together. She’s a third year grad student and I’m… old. Trust me, in that town, that’s as old as single girls get. Anyway, I like to hang out with her and her friends and there will be more coming on this later, but if I’m going to try to get 12 of these out before Christmas, I’m gonna have to get moving. It’s like I’m hydrogen and she’s beryllium. There’s just no chemistry between us. (And I don’t care how poorly that joke tested on my control group yesterday. It’s not my fault you don’t realize that hydrogen is an unstable gas. You need to study up on your comedy.) Anyway, Tom had mentioned he was glad that it wasn’t working out between me and said girl because it makes me funnier and it suits his purposes better…

First Day of Quotemas 2006

“It’s like a sitcom that comes on… every once in a while. I want it to be funny when it’s on.”
-Tom, my life coach

Honestly, he’s not the only one in that boat. I have a new theory on why I can’t find any women.


Shopping for stuff you won’t want,
Extendaclaus.


Still Standing Right Here…

Loins & Linen, Groins & Garb

Loins & Linen, Groins & Garb

Well, when I originally decided to leave all my friends and family behind on the east coast to move to Fantasy Island, I did it because I wanted to find out more about myself, to see what I was made of. As it turns out, I’m made of tinfoil and yarn. Like I couldn’t have found that out without moving all my crap 600 miles inland. So it looks like I tore my groin again. Or at least pulled it. And not in the fun way (if I’m going to go through the same injuries, I’m going to use the same jokes). This is going to completely ruin my sex life. Now I’m going to have to watch porn sitting down.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw out a quick hitter since I haven’t yapped at you cats in about a month. I’ve actually been working my ass off (another injury I’ll tell you about later) on this special project I’ve been given by my boss’s boss’s boss. But when I asked, he was actually able to grant me more hours in the day so I guess I can’t complain too much. But I really should be getting to bed. I need to squeeze in at least 2 hours sleep if I’m going to be working 28 hours tomorrow.

Speaking of things ruining my sex life (segue successful), I have serious wardrobe issues. All the outfits that Steph dressed me in years ago have all gotten lost or stained or I forgot how to match them with other stuff that I have. It was easy, I was told exactly what matched with what and how to wear clothes and when stuff was appropriate and everything. But now I’m trying new stuff out here and it’s tougher to try to fit into this Fantasy Island society also. So I’ve taken to trying some new techniques. I tried wearing this corduroy shirt with jeans and socks with sandals. My sister looks down and asks me if I’m seriously wearing socks with sandals. I tried to tell her that I was going for this “I don’t care what anybody thinks of me” look and how that was going to work for me. She agreed. Kinda…

Quote of the Day 12/11/06

"Yeah, it kinda has this ‘I’m definitely not picking up any chicks tonight’ thing going on.”

-Sisfish.


Looks like I’m going to need to tweak that outfit a little bit.

Sitting out the next dance,

Groinless in Ohio.


Still Standing Right Here…

The Republicants

The Republicants

Congratulations everybody! We did it! I think the most brilliant part of our strategy was having Kerry run against Bush so that he'd stay in office long enough to piss off America so bad that we'd overreact and vote for anybody who pretended to be a Democrat. Or at least a non-Republican. I think the Whig Party had a better shot at winning the House majority than the Elephants. Actually, I think the "Dress Up Like Your Favorite thirtysomething Character" Halloween Party had a better chance than the Republican Party. The Democrats employed their brilliant strategy of slowly backing out of the room while their brother was getting yelled at. And it worked! Victory is ours! After like 12 or so years, it's finally our turn to screw up the country. Tax and spend baby! There's already a bill proposed called "Only a Few Children Per Hundred Left Behind." Just like the good old days when I think I was left behind. I'm also looking forward to getting rid of that trickle-down economic theory where they give rich people all the money and hope that they give some to us or something like that. It's right there in the name of it – they're pissing on us. I want to see some "trickle-up" economics employed in the next couple years. That actually sounds a lot more difficult physically though. Maybe first thing in the morning I may have a shot at it. Truth be told, I get all of my political information from SportsCenter and Comedy Central. I think I stole something from Jon Stewart, Dennis Miller, Stephen Colbert and Rich Eisen just to write that last paragraph...

Quote of the Day 11/12/06

"A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it."

-George W. Bush


The polls are in ladies and gentlemen…. And sleep wins! In a landslide.

My name is Dustin Fisher and I approve this message.

Sen. Dustin Fisher, (W-Ohio).


Still Standing Right Here...

National Dress Like a Slut Day

National Dress Like a Slut Day

I love Halloween. Especially in this town. And I think at least 85% of you know why. And no, it's not for the candy corn. That stuff sucks. Well, at least the white and orange parts suck. I'll eat the yellow part off the bottom, but that just seems rude. If there's anybody out there that only likes the top half, let me know. We can hang out tomorrow.

Sorry, got off track again. So yeah, it's not because of the mouth candy, but because of the eye candy. It's the one day of the year that it's socially acceptable to dress like a complete slut. It's really not, but I'm not going to be the one to tell them. Why ruin all my fun? And it is just laughable how they justify it by pretending it's something else. Really short black skirt and low cut dress that shows half your boobs? Wait, there's a tail and some black ears. Oh, you're a cat! Nice. You can come sit on my lap anytime. Same outfit in white showing off some of your actual ass every time you turn around. Oh, it's got a red cross on it. You're a nurse! Sweet. I'm ready for my sponge bath. An elastic headband worn as a skirt and a shirt tied in a knot in the front so everyone can see the tramp stamp on the small of your back? And boots up to your knee? And you have a gun? Oh, a cop! Sure, what the hell? Feel free to have a drink of my milk if you want (Sorry, still thinking about the kitty).

So that's the best part of Halloween. The other equally best part of Halloween is that I get to pretend to be somebody else. Somebody cool. And I get to wear eye shadow. I've started to become Captain Jack Sparrow. I just wish there were more opportunities in the year to dress up and act like a pirate. Actually, you don't act like a pirate so much as an alcoholic. And I guess I act like that enough days of the year (mom, I'm kidding. And I'm sleeping well too – they're just jokes).

So the following is a conversation that occurred this past Friday at a costume party. I had the Jack Sparrow outfit in full effect and the rum was nearing its end, which means less Dustin and more Jack. So anyway, it was brought to my attention that I needed a tattoo of a sparrow on my wrist to complete the ensemble. I asked out loud if anyone in the room was an artist…

Quote of the Day 10/30/06

Me: "Is anyone in here an artist?"
Kari: "I can draw."
Me: "Cool. Can you draw a sparrow on my wrist?"
Kari: "What does a sparrow look like?"
Some unidentified girl from the room: "She's going to draw a penis."
Me: "No, just draw any bird really and we'll pretend it's a sparrow."
Kari drew a penis on my wrist.
Me: "Well, at least give it wings."

I then had a penis with wings on my wrist.

I know why the rum's gone,

Captain Dick Sparrow.


Still Standing Right Here…

Immune System vs Poor Judgment

Immune System vs Poor Judgment

So I'm sorry to the few of you (including my mom and sister who was about ready to drive down to Baltimore to pick me up) who I may have misled, but this go-around is just a Baltimore thing. And I'm actually going to be there for a decent amount of time. As I said before, I'm flying back in for Big Ferg's wedding on Friday and there's also gonna be a Rock Star party on Saturday, but the rest is all up in the air as of now. Including how I'm getting back from the airport this Wednesday and where "back from the airport" is. So far the only ride offer I've gotten has been from Ferg, who is getting married two days later. That is a damn good friend right there. I also have a ride offer from Tom if I agree to give up Laverneous Coles for Lawrence Maroney, and I'm not kidding. So if anybody wants to do anything Wednesday night, starting approximately 5:57pm EST not counting delays, I'm game.

Anyway, I need to make this short because I'm tired as hell from not sleeping this entire weekend. This weekend was like a constant battle between my Immune System and my Poor Judgment. Bill's pullover and fleece: advantage Immune System. Deciding to sleep out under the stars instead of pitching a tent: advantage back to my Poor Judgment. Liner and temperature-proven sleeping bag: advantage Immune System. Drinking about 10 beers just before bed: HUGE advantage Poor Judgment. This battle is definitely not over. I'm curious to see how it plays out. It looked as if my Immune System was going to squeeze out a victory. Then I decided to play soccer today in the cold rain with shorts on after sleeping about 6 hours in three nights. And I don't know that you can even call that sleep. I don't even think I sleep at all anymore. There are just a few parts of the night where I don't pay as much attention as I normally do. But anyway, I'm determined to go to this wedding with hypothermia. I'll show that Immune System just how much stronger a team my Poor Judgment is. It won't see what hit it. OK, I gotta go. I may not sleep until I get there Wednesday at this rate.

Quote of the Day 10/16/06

Me: "Dude, don't worry about me getting cold [out on the river]. I actually repel water."
Justin: "Yeah, when he jumps in water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Dustined."


Justin doesn't want too much credit for this one because he thinks he stole it. I don't care once again cause I'm still tired. I just sent this out because I still need a ride and a place to go.

Raging against the white blood cells,

Poor Judgment Man.


Still Standing Right Here…