Grilled Venison

Grilled Venison

So some real shitty things happened this weekend. I was driving out to PA to help Erin move into her new home and her new life this weekend. It's a seven hour drive from here to there (which is how I measure distance). I started driving with the top off and no shirt and very quickly thought to myself "Do I want to pull over to get some sunscreen or do I want to get sun poisoning on over half my body?" So I pulled over at this Sunoco. I didn't expect a huge array of options, but the only thing they had was this "Native Tanning Oil" thing in this brown bottle shaped like a flask. It was SPF 4, which is the equivalent of pouring a Coors Lite all over me. But it's all they had, so I oiled myself up. Most of you probably know how this is going to end. If you thought "second degree burns," you win. Yeah, I got the damn sun poisoning anyway. Like, the first layer peeled off and the skin under that in sunburnt. Well, now I know. As do you. I was wondering why there was a picture of a Haitian guy on the bottle.

Then on the way home, I was about 5 hours later than I wanted to be and it was 11pm before I even hit the eastern side of Ohio. And then it was about 11:15 when I hit a deer that really thought he could take on my car at 70 mph. And probably closer to the truth is that he hit me. He came flying in from the median like Ray Lewis. But the jeep didn't go down as easily as Willie Parker. I fucked that deer up. And the jeep took it like a champ. Just a minor dent in the wheel well and the bumper is only bent enough to tell if you knew I hit a deer. I'm going to spare you the gory details because they're not funny. Suffice to say that the jeep walked away and the deer did not. And then I start to think about all the cars behind me and if they had hit that deer. Their car would probably be totalled. I started to think that as a service to society that I should just go out and start hitting all the deer I could find. Like start chasing them through fields and crap. And people should pay me. Not a lot, but at least something. Whatever they paid Batman.

Quote of the Day 6/22/06

"You know, there just aren't enough coyotes anymore. Maybe you should start doing their job."
-Sethmo


I'm naming my jeep the Metal Coyote.

Looking up the laws for vehicular deerslaughter,

Coyote of the Sun.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Middle Half

The Middle Half

Hey! Friends! Do you all read this anymore? I only send it out every like... well it's hard to even pretend to find a quote to day ratio, but you get my point. Why do I have people coming up to me asking how I melted my cell phone? That was my super idiot story of 2006 and apparently some of you are too cool/busy/illiterate to read it. Maybe it's just so memorable to me because every time I go to open the oven, there's a picture of a cell phone with a big red diagonal line through it. And then there's a picture of a brownie with a big green circle around it. I really need to get a computer at home.

Yeah, so anyway, I melted my phone. Which means I melted all your numbers along with it. So I can't call any of you anymore. Except for Mike, my mom and Papa Johns in Arbutus. Those are the only phone numbers I have committed to memory. And yet I still have the same phone number. I didn't melt my cell phone plan in the oven, Jill. So here is my favor I need to ask of you. CALL ME! Or write me with your phone number if you don't need to/have time to/ever really want to talk to me. Or else I'll never be able to get a hold of you. Which will probably be fine for everybody who circled the last part of that last sentence.

OK, I have a lot of crap to tell you all about but I'm going to keep this one short because of the importance of the phone number thing and I don't want anybody intimidated by my length (heh). So this thing comes from a nut job that works in our office who used to be a football coach at school here. Apparently he was cursing out the computer and printer and everything else that couldn't defend itself because the middle part of his document (the part he needed) didn't print out. He storms into my office in a befuddled mess holding two pieces of paper three feet apart and asking me why a printer would do such a thing...

Quote of the Day 6/21/06

"You see, it printed out the top half, and it printed out the bottom half, but why didn't it print out the middle half?"

-Wak-Man


I had to explain to him the definition of the word "half." I still don't think he understands.

One and a half times the average man,

Wordsmith.


Still Standing Right Here...

Reporting to Mini-Camp

Reporting to Mini-Camp

Good morning! ... I said good morning! ... When I said that in previous summers, 180 kids would shout "good morning" right back at me. Now I have 45 kids staring at me asking me why I keep yelling at them. It's not nearly as good for my ego. But then I beam them in the head with a big sponge ball and that brings my ego back up. You'd think they'd learn to just shout "good morning" at me. Stupid kids.

So yeah, it's another year of day camp. I had last summer off and I gotta say that I really missed the kids. Not so much the angry parents. Or the health inspector. Or the pink eye. But the kids (at least 30% of them), I sure missed. And this camp is so much smaller than the one I'm used to. I miss the complete chaos of 180 kids running around one basketball court with balls, hula hoops and tiny body parts flying everywhere. And Mike has got this camp run so efficiently that there is no chaos. This is no fun for me. I need the chaos. And I'm no longer the camp director. So I'm trying to figure out exactly how I fit into this camp. I kinda see myself as the camp's uncle. Like I'll go and play with the kids and talk to the counselors and stuff, but if anything really goes wrong, I just give them back to Mike. Here. This is your kid. You handle it. Mike on the other hand is pretty stressed out, or at least busy, as evident from his quite serious question he posed to me on the first day of camp last week...

Quote of the Day 6/14/06

"Dustin, is it still Monday?"

-Mr. Mike


Reminds me of when I turned to Ruchelle earlier this year and asked her if it was still 1998.

Making faces back at the kids,

Uncle Mr. Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Stupid Squared

Stupid Squared

You need to read this one. Especially if you liked the one where I lost my keys in my pocket. The following are posts on Erin's myspace page exactly as they appear because I think it's funniest this way.

>>>

6/1/2006 5:50 PM
Hey cutie! Always happy to host my east coast contingency here in the exact focal point of nowhere. Especially one that looks like you do in that penguin suit. Well, good luck with your big job decision. Call me when you figure that out. Hopefully my phone will have dried out by then. I left it in my jeep overnight and a thunderstorm hit us. Guess I should have left the top on. It's in the oven right now. I hope that's a good idea.

6/1/2006 6:02 PM
I know it sounds stupid, but a buddy of mine at work who knows a lot more about stuff like this (you know, compensating for stupid mistakes by making bigger ones) told me that as long as I remember to take it out before somebody started to pre-heat the oven, that it should be fine. OK, Kim needs her computer back and I should go check on the phone now anyway.

6/2/2006 4:58 PM
Don't know about chess. I still don't have anything in my house that isn't better at being an end table than a computer. And I can't even play by phone since I baked mine in the oven last night. Apparently "warm" doesn't mean 250 degrees. :(

6/3/2006 4:12 PM
Yeah, it looks about like you'd think a cell phone baked in the oven for 20 minutes would look like. I'll send you a picture. What the hell was I thinking? I burnt a pizza in there just Tuesday night. I'm gonna shove it up Don's ass when I see him again. But strangely enough, when I plugged it in, the screen lit up and said "battery required" or something like that. Unfortunately, the battery won't fit in there in the phone's current shape. Maybe if I cooked it a little while... (and the circle of idiocy keeps turning)


Quote of the Day 6/3/06

"You should tell that guy he's not allowed to give advice anymore."
-Soon to be ex-roomie Kim

Yes, there is a way I actually did that. Maybe one day I'll tell a story about when I did something smart.


Suspending my brain's pay for the rest of the week,
Dumbstin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Nerds Untie!

Nerds Untie!

Let's just call a spade a spade. And I'm even late for the month too. Sorry to my loyal fan base and thanks for holding up your end of the bargain, being just annoying enough with the "what happened to the quote?" "why did you take me off the list, you prick?" and "you realize nobody likes you anymore since you stopped typing to us" to get me to try to remember what my life's purpose is again.

Now this message is going to be two things at once. I have a lot of computer nerd friends on here (I mean that in the best way possible for people I'm asking favors from) and I need one of them to recommend a good computer. Here are the specs: I need it to be able to play Worms and online poker but nothing stupid like Everquest or Doom (I mean stupid in the most loving way possible). I need it to run Photoshop and iTunes and obviously stuff like Wordpad and Calculator if possible. I do NOT need it to download porn anymore. I think I got it all and I'm not too impressed with the new stuff anyway. And I need a CD burner and an internet connection of some kind.

I still have my old Frankenstein computer and it was worth the $200 I got it for from Powdered Toast Man, but if you don't reformat it twice a year, it won't let you be connected to the internet and use the mouse at the same time (he's not kidding). And that's just the beginning. And since my neighbors moved out, we can't steal their internet anymore anyway. And in case there are any cops or people seriously ethically opposed to that out there, you can replace the word "steal" with "get off your moral high horse, you aren't any better than anybody else." So that's why you haven't heard from me. After slaving away all day on the kickball field (and the bars), I just can't hang out in this damn place for another freakin second. Not when Deal Or No Deal is on 19 days a week. Anybody sick of them slamming down the little glass thing and saying "No deal!" yet? How long can that possibly be interesting?

Oops. Off track there a bit. Anyway, if somebody out there can hook me up with that computer for somewhere in the neighborhood of $500, I'll give you a cut of whatever I can sell the ole POC PC for. Thanks. NERDS UNITE! Ha. When I originally wrote that, I wrote "Nerds untie!" That's funny.

OK, I want to write this one about the Indy 500 before we get to far away from it. I was talking with Mikey Con-Man who recently moved to Indy and got to meet Mario Andretti because of his line of work (serving fish to old rich people). We were talking about the sunburn that people got from going to that race for 7 hours or however long those silly things (I mean that in the most fun type of silly possible) last. I told him that the blacktop basically functions as the focal point of the sun on days like that, but he brought up the point that nobody he knows was really on the blacktop, which was an excellent point.

Quote of the Month 5/06

"If you were on the blacktop, you'd be red alright. But it wouldn't be from sunburn."

-Mikey Conover


It's a good starter quote to get me back on track (pretend that wasn't an intentional pun - actually two - and you may still respect him).

Computerless in Southwest Ohio,

Dutty.


Still Standing Right Here...