EagLLLes

EagLLLes

Alright everybody. Tomorrow is the big day. The day that will shape my attitude for the rest of the year and determine whether or not I sink into a two month bender and wind up in the gutter on the streets of Dundalk somewhere. It's the NFC championship game. And in case you don't follow football, the Eagles will be in it for the fourth year in a row. They lost the last three. I need them to win not as much because I am a fan, but because everybody knows I'm a fan, and there's nothing these Redskins fans at work like more than to tease me about those 3 lost championship games. Nevermind that their team hasn't had a winning season since the 90s. They try to rub in that superbowl they won back in the stone ages where everybody was beating up the Bills. What is the statute of limitations on that anyway? But even more than that, they thrive when the Eagles choke in the NFC championship every year. I can't go to work. Cause they know. They already started printing a shirt with Eagles spelled "EagLLLLes" that Geoff is going to buy for me if they lose again (the four Ls for the four losses - for my slower audience out there). And in the last three years, I think I figured out why there's two weeks between the championship games and the Superbowl. See, the programmers want everybody to watch the Superbowl. And everytime after that damn game, I don't feel like watching football for at least another two weeks. So for the peace and mind of an entire city who has made their temperament known to the sports world, root for the Eagles. To win. Not to lose. And I know some of you out there are jerks and you just thrive on other people's misery, and that's fine. I promise you some juicy stuff about my dating life will follow next week. Just get this damn monkey off our back. Besides, TO will be coming back for the Superbowl if we make it. And wouldn't it be cool to see his next celebration? I think he should raise the PAT net himself. That would be funny. I don't think anybody's done that one yet.

Meanwhile, the Saturday Morning Hero League continues... We go play football on Saturday mornings and go to a bar afterwards. This year, the owner/coach/manager/quarterback of the team decided to replace himself at QB after three seasons with a combined record of somewhere around 7-23. The new guy goes on to look better and get us a pretty decent win. At the bar afterwards, here's what our new fullback had to say...

Quote of the Day 1/17/05

"I finally figured out why I'm not a good quarterback. Because I'm not a quarterback."

-Bowman


Well, I'd been telling him that for years. It's about time somebody started telling it to Chris Redman.

Prying the monkey off the eagle,

Dustin McNabb.


Still Standing Right Here...

30 and Counting

30 and Counting

So it finally happened. However long I tried to postpone it, the earth just keeps rotating at the same pace, and that is something just out of my control (actually, the earthquake forced the earth underneath itself, causing the circumference to become smaller, thus speeding up the rotation by possibly a few seconds each year, but I swear I had nothing to do with that). Yeah, so I turned 30. Nothing special. No fireworks or sirens (OK, that's a lie). But I knew it was coming, so it wasn't that big of a surprise for me. It did, however, seem to instantly make other people age before my eyes. Some reactions were of surprise: "You're 30? When the hell did that happen?", some were of disbelief: "What do you mean you're 30? Aren't you still in college?", and still others were very poignant: "So when the fuck are you going to get a real job?" Hell, I'm ready to retire. So yeah, it seemed like a lot more people were upset that I was turning 30 than I was. Like the 19-year old college chicks I've been seeing who thought I was 23. And their dads. And boyfriends. Push comes to shove, age is just a number you tell people. And sometimes, it's not even that. For example, this is the seventh straight year I've turned 23. Some people are starting to figure it out. So I'm going to need all of you to keep it under wraps. If word gets out that I'm 30, I officially become invisible to 19-yr-olds. Just a UMBC Rec Sports polo and jeans walking around with no discernable face. And that's been one of my major demographics. This includes 24-yr-olds that say they're 19 also. Cause don't think that doesn't happen. As well as the 16-yr-olds that say they're 19 (remember people, this is a "humor" article in which I "embellish" and "lie." Everybody knows I draw the line at 17.) So the way I figure it, if you average the age that I act, the age that I feel, the age that I tell people I am, the age my birth certificate says I am, and the age my body parts think I am, it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 30. And that's good enough for me. All apologies to everyone who didn't see this coming. I should have prepared you better.

So I was talking with Mike D about turning 30 and other such issues surrounding it. He actually gave me a little bit of hope with his theory involving the difference between hooking up with younger chicks when you are in your late 20s as opposed to when you are 30...

Quote Of the Day 1/10/05

"See, when you hook up with an 18-yr old chick in your late 20s, that's kinda wrong. But if you do it at 30, it's like an accomplishment. Something to brag about to your friends."

-Mike D, 20-something


Awesome. I needed that. No I didn't. :)

Getting old and taking everybody with me,

Extendo 30.0.


Still Standing Right Here...

REL 100: Remedial Religion

REL 100: Remedial Religion

So I celebrate Christmas, but I know not everybody does. And I'm really glad I do mostly because I don't understand how Judaism works. Sure, Chanukah sounds cool when you're a kid and you get jealous of your Jewish friends that get 8 presents when you only get that cardboard drum with the Quaker on it. But you'd have to convert to a whole other religion to do that. And that's a lot of work. You'd have to learn how to read backwards and wear the part of a hat that they cut out to make visors. And lots of other stuff like that. But Judaism is more than just a religion. It's a culture and it's almost like a race. How can you be half Jewish? What's the other half? If possible, I'd like to be half Jewish and half Christian to cover my ass, if that's an option. But then you get people that convert to Judaism with no background in it at all. I think. I should put up a disclaimer now that all of my information about the Jewish heritage comes from "The Hanukkah Song" by Adam Sandler. And off topic, I think it would have been funnier if the song was by Chaka Khan (get it, Chanukkah by Chaka Khan?). I'm sure there's a better joke in there somewhere, but I'm tired.

So anyway, these people that convert aren't really Jewish at all to begin with. I still don't quite get it. Can you decide to be part of the culture, but not the religion? Or vice versa? And can you just be Jewish when you need to get off for random holidays like Rosh Hashanikuh? But it's not like Christmas is any better. It's a religious holiday you don't even need to be religious to celebrate. You think all those people that celebrate Christmas are Christians, well you musta just fell off the Gullible Wagon. It's the default holiday. And somewhere along the line, they even took the Christ out of Christmas and replaced it with an X. Like you do in algebra. It's the age old science vs religion debate playing out under our noses on one of the most sacred (or secular) days of the year and we never even knew it! Those secret society masons are clever. And like all Christian holidays, it has a completely unrelated figure to make it more fun for kids. As a kid, I actually questioned what the heck this fat bearded old man had to do with the birth of Jesus Christ, our Savior. And why is New Years a whole week later, if that's supposed to be based on the birth of Christ (you know, BC and AD)? I'm sure somebody's got an answer to that. And I don't have time to get into Easter just now, but it took me a while to come to the realization that rabbits don't even have eggs. Why are they both synonymous with Easter? But hey, it (Christmas) is still the greatest holiday, no matter where your personal Christmas (or Hannukah) comes from. So who am I to ruin it with all this speculation? I'll ruin it in many other ways. :) And who the hell came up with Quanza? Like we don't have enough to try to figure out with these two wacky holidays. And I need to ask a favor of all of my friends. There's nothing I hate more during the holiday season than getting stressed out over buying gifts and making sure I don't offend anybody. So I've decided I'm not getting stressed out about it. I have also however, jam packed my calendar full with crap to do from now until the big day. And I haven't really started my Christmas shopping yet. Which also means I haven't finished it yet. It seems like this goes on almost every year, but this year is a lot worse. So I'll need you good friends of mine to bite the bullet on this one. Here's a conversation I could have had with Tony at his Christmas party this year:

Me: "Hey Tony. Sorry, but your present hasn't come in the mail yet."
Tony: "Don't worry about it."
Me: "Actually, I haven't even ordered it yet."
Tony: "..."
Me: "Well, to be honest, I haven't even figured out what I'm gonna get you yet."

I'm scheduling a special Dustin Christmas for sometime around Presidents Day. I don't think we'll all be getting together like we would on Christmas, but I think the deadline will help. And the extra added surprise will make it all the more special. Some of you may recognize this theory as the same one I use for Valentines Day. I've actually been applying this to all aspects of my life for years, I've just been playing along for the holidays for the last 11 years. Anyway, I'm out of time to be creative, so you may all get the same thing this year. And chances are it will be a UMBC day camp T-shirt, but that will really just be a proxy until the real holiday. President's Day.

Coming back from a football game, a few of us were in the car and this squirrel jumped out in front of the car. He ran halfway across the street, and cut back really quick, then doubled back and I didn't know what to do to help, so I just drove straight and somehow the little guy went underneath the car and came out the other side unscathed and running to the other side of the road...

Quote of the Day 12/20/04

"Did you see the moves on him? He's like the Dante Hall of squirrels."

-B Ferg


The Priest Holmes of squirrels was still sitting on the other curb in street clothes.

The Dante Hall of internet humor,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Christmas Decorations

Christmas Decorations

Trees - The more I think about it, this is the funniest part of Christmas. For a month out of the year (give or take) we cut down a perfectly healthy tree and bring it into our house and put lots of shit on it. I've been living with it for so long, I haven't thought about the whole concept for a while. This isn't a fern, it's a whole freakin tree! And it's right next to the TV. I'm surprised more people don't just have trees in their houses year round. I think I might start that trend. But it might be a little cruel to keep it in the tree stand without the ability to grow roots and just watch it die slowly. Of course, it's not like we plant them back in the ground when we're done with them. If it weren't for all the damn pine needles I need to vacuum, this would have gotten an A+. I mean, a tree right in the livingroom. Funny shit. A-

Lights - Lights are tricky. They can really bring out the magic in your Christmas scene or they can send you into an epileptic fit. And gone are the days of tacking them up to the gutter outside. They make it idiot proof now. Like sheets of lights all webbed together so you can just throw them onto trees and they're all perfectly spaced and everything. I'm not a fan of this. I like to see people put a little effort into putting their lights up. But what the hell do I know? I want to grow trees inside my apartment. B

Wreaths - Gotta admit, this one is a little different too. Somehow, Christmas got associated with wreaths for some reason. A circular conglomeration of usually biodegradable twigs and leaves of assorted different plant life of all sorts. And it's usually about head level and hung on front doors. Like a scarlet letter for pagans. But still pretty original. B+

Tinsel - Tinsel sucks. It's even worse than the pine needles in the clean-up department because they instantly clog up the dustbuster. There has yet to be developed a good way to get rid of tinsel. It's like dog hair but without the benefit of owning a dog. And if you don't put it on one or two strands at a time, it looks like a toaster hanging up on the tree and it's just not worth the sacrifice for me. But it is sparkly. D

I was talking with my printer guy about this speed skating thing he's into. Every year, he goes up to Milwaukee for this national speed skating conference and races this brotherhood from all across the country. And probably Canada, but I don't really consider that another country. Anyway, he was saying how there are several guys in his 55-60 age bracket that are awesome and he says that he'd never beat them. The only hope he has is to outlast them. There's a guy in the 80+ category that wins every year because he's the only one in his age range...

Quote of the Day 12/14/04

"And that's the one that counts! All the other ones, you just get a stupid little medal."

- The Dingle


Push comes to shove, life is really just a battle of attrition. First one to the finish line loses.

Merry Christmas,

Extend-a-Claus.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rico Gawky

Rico Gawky

I'm really exhausted, but this was too funny to let go another day. Of all the stupid things I've ever said to a girl I was interested in, this is probably in the top ten. Not quite the top five, let's remember some of my other lines ("Who the fuck are you" comes to mind). But before I get into it, I need to go over a few of my theories.

Now I shouldn't let some of you women behind the curtain, but you would also be a fool to let my theories of relationships make you consider things any more seriously than your average Quantum Leap episode. These theories have to do with exceptionally attractive women. See first of all, guys like myself and Tom have been raised to believe that all attractive women are snobs. All apologies, but that's the shit you learn in high school when you run cross country and work in the video lab. So if they show any sort of interest in you, odds are that they are interested in you or at least want something from you. This is why it's exceptionally difficult to accept that an overly attractive girl that comes up to talk to you just wants to be your friend. For the record, this sounds really idiotic now that I reread it, but I didn't really expect too much out of it anyway.

Counteracting this theory is the "low self-esteem corollary." If one of these subjects happens to actually be interested in myself (or Tom), it can be quite intimidating and odds are against any sort of cooperation on our end. At least, this is my reaction. So when a somewhat unmistakable pick-up line came out of her mouth, jokingly or not (something like "so, do you have any more room in your little black book?"), my reply was something to the effect of "I don't do very well with extremely attractive women." And I didn't really recover either. Some people think that it was kinda cute. Maybe if I had thought of something to say after that other than "OK, I gotta go." But most laugh in my face. Certainly not my worst work, but I think I'm putting it on the back burner until I can think of something to use it in tandem with. And I also think I've proved the statement correct unintentionally. This is why I'm sticking with the chicks that don't think they're pretty. Whether they're right or not (that's just wrong, dawg).

So Keith D (the non-roommate Keith, as I call him when I have the time), suggested that I photocopy a page from my little black book (which hasn't had a new phone number put in it since I got my cell phone 3 years ago) and circle a blank spot in it and give it to her. This is certainly the funniest approach, but I don't think funny is necessarily the direction I want to head. So he gave me some other ideas like handing her a note saying "do you like me?" with two boxes saying "yes" and "no..."

Quote of the Day 12/13/04

"It's so old, it's kind of original again."

-Keith D


I think I'll choose funny over stupid. But I'm afraid I'm doomed to stupid anyway.

Flailing my limbs in the ocean of predictability,

D Wreck.


Still Standing Right Here...