Rico Gawky

Rico Gawky

I'm really exhausted, but this was too funny to let go another day. Of all the stupid things I've ever said to a girl I was interested in, this is probably in the top ten. Not quite the top five, let's remember some of my other lines ("Who the fuck are you" comes to mind). But before I get into it, I need to go over a few of my theories.

Now I shouldn't let some of you women behind the curtain, but you would also be a fool to let my theories of relationships make you consider things any more seriously than your average Quantum Leap episode. These theories have to do with exceptionally attractive women. See first of all, guys like myself and Tom have been raised to believe that all attractive women are snobs. All apologies, but that's the shit you learn in high school when you run cross country and work in the video lab. So if they show any sort of interest in you, odds are that they are interested in you or at least want something from you. This is why it's exceptionally difficult to accept that an overly attractive girl that comes up to talk to you just wants to be your friend. For the record, this sounds really idiotic now that I reread it, but I didn't really expect too much out of it anyway.

Counteracting this theory is the "low self-esteem corollary." If one of these subjects happens to actually be interested in myself (or Tom), it can be quite intimidating and odds are against any sort of cooperation on our end. At least, this is my reaction. So when a somewhat unmistakable pick-up line came out of her mouth, jokingly or not (something like "so, do you have any more room in your little black book?"), my reply was something to the effect of "I don't do very well with extremely attractive women." And I didn't really recover either. Some people think that it was kinda cute. Maybe if I had thought of something to say after that other than "OK, I gotta go." But most laugh in my face. Certainly not my worst work, but I think I'm putting it on the back burner until I can think of something to use it in tandem with. And I also think I've proved the statement correct unintentionally. This is why I'm sticking with the chicks that don't think they're pretty. Whether they're right or not (that's just wrong, dawg).

So Keith D (the non-roommate Keith, as I call him when I have the time), suggested that I photocopy a page from my little black book (which hasn't had a new phone number put in it since I got my cell phone 3 years ago) and circle a blank spot in it and give it to her. This is certainly the funniest approach, but I don't think funny is necessarily the direction I want to head. So he gave me some other ideas like handing her a note saying "do you like me?" with two boxes saying "yes" and "no..."

Quote of the Day 12/13/04

"It's so old, it's kind of original again."

-Keith D


I think I'll choose funny over stupid. But I'm afraid I'm doomed to stupid anyway.

Flailing my limbs in the ocean of predictability,

D Wreck.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Pranks I've Pulled

Pranks I've Pulled

"It's A Very Weird Al Birthday" - There is a Weird Al song called appropriately and simply enough "Happy Birthday" in which the chorus screams "Happy birthday!... Happy birthday to you!" This part is annoying enough in the context of the song. I knew enough about computers at this point in time to cut out the part where they scream "Happy birthday!" and make Geoff's computer play that clip anytime he opened a program, closed a program, minimized a window, maximized a window, or hit an inappropriate keystroke. And this wasn't enough for me. I restructured his three icons for internet explorer, e-mail and word to play the entire song in a somewhat hidden program. I knew Geoff would not only be unable to fix it, but he'd know exactly who did it too. So he came to work, walked in his office, tried some stuff that lasted about 30 seconds and left, saying "Fix it. I'll be back in 15 minutes." Honestly, I don't know why I expected any other reaction. B+

"Geoff Turns 30" - This was year two of the fuck-with-Geoff era. I was not discouraged by his reaction the first time. Although, I did kind of check with Gary before I actually approached him that day. Anyway, I closed the RAC Tuesday night and he opened it on Wednesday (his 30th birthday), so I didn't just confine myself to his office this time. I hung up Happy Birthday and Over the Hill banners at the front desk and taped balloons to the wall leading up to his office. When he entered the main office, I had Tim McGraw's "My Next Thirty Years" blaring at different points in the song from five different computers to make sure he'd hear the chorus at least once before he could get to all of them to turn them off (it was a bonus that he hates country music). Then when he got into his office, there were 100 "over the hill" helium balloons on his ceiling. A day or two later, he opened a drawer of his filing cabinet and two helium balloons came out and hit him in the face. The gift that keeps on giving. He seemed less upset about this one. I think he was really just plotting the revenge he'd get two and a half years later. A-

"The Third South Ultimate Prank" - This was from back in the old dorm days and it was thought out and executed with military precision. The day before we were scheduled to compete in these dorm wars that I had made up, six of us stayed up all night to pull this one off. Brigid and Courtney designed and cut out over 100 footprints in the shape of 3s and Ss. And they actually looked like footprints. Meanwhile, Suzanne, Billy, Kristen and I were cutting out premeasured pieces of fishing wire and filling up pink helium balloons (remember I wore a pink hat back in these days) and writing stuff like "Third South Rules" and "Your Floor Sucks" on them. After tying the fishing wire to the balloons, Suzanne dropped the end to Kristen and Billy, who were waiting outside now, and they'd walk over to me, who was climbing up each of the columns of windows, and I'd tape the wire to the wall just above the first floor window so that eventually all the balloons sat just outside everyone's windows (which didn't open far enough to remove them that way). This took until daylight to finish. And then the six of us, with a floor plan and three exits and feet taped all over our body, synchronized our watches and snuck onto third north's floor to tape the footprints in a fashion as if they had walked all over the floor, up the wall, on the ceiling, and out the far entrance. We accomplished this in 3 minutes at 7am. And then they woke up and we kicked their ass in dorm wars. Man I miss college. Well, you know. A+

"The Icon Trick" - I can only take credit for maybe a tenth of this one because I have friends that are smarter than me. Mike had a computer with very literally 80 plus shortcuts on his desktop. What the hell were all these things? I don't think I even have more than 4 programs I use. Anyway, when he was away, I made a whole lot of shortcuts named "Mike, you have too many shortcuts on your computer" and filled up the other half of his screen with them. This was all I was going to do. Then I got several other ideas from a few computer savvy guys. So I took a screenshot of his computer as it was with the icons on it. Then I set that as his background. So his new background was a picture of his background, but with all the icons on there. So when he deleted the actual shortcuts, the picture of the icons were still there. This is where the gag kinda fell apart. I knew he wouldn't realize what was going on and how long did I want to pretend that I really fucked up his computer? Regardless, it's a pretty easy and funny prank that I'm going to try on the very few people I know who aren't on this list. B

Quote Of the Day 11/30/04

Sev: "We'll be going on mostly class 3 rapids, but there are a couple class 4 rapids on the river."
Me: "How do they determine the classes of rapids?"
Tony: "Number of fatalities."

The lyrical prankster,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...

Dustined

Dustined

I have been outdone. And it doesn't happen often, but this was good. To give a little background, I was officially given celebrity status when I was profiled in the newspaper for basically doing my job. They took a picture of me to go alongside my article. When I got to work Monday morning, there was a picture about 3 feet wide by 4 feet tall of my head taped up to the door. And then I turned the corner. Somebody had plastered my entire wall with at least 200 copies of... well, me. It was the background on my computer, and they had given me a unibrow in one of the pictures. It was quite a sight. Like a very disturbing personal shrine. I half expected there to be a burning pink hat on a plaster model of Steve from Blues Clues in my drawer. So the way it happened apparently was that when I left work Tuesday, Geoff had Anna cut out a bunch of pictures from the newspaper and put them up all over my computer. Well, then Tim and Brian walked in. They didn't stop until it became a fire hazard. It was like two children walking through the gates of Disneyland for the first time. They started copying, cutting, and taping to the wall. They were much more efficient. They enlarged the copy and made about a million of those. Then they e-mailed the newspaper and got them to send a copy of the picture. Then they revived this poster printer in our office, which no one has been able to get to work for 4 months. They wanted to do the whole ceiling too, but Geoff had to stop them and remind them that this was a place of business, however little business actually takes place in it. So props to Geoff, Anna and Matt, but mostly Tim and Brian who spent some long hours while not getting paid to build my shrine...

Quote of the Day 11/29/04

"Somebody pulled a Dustin on Dustin."

-Gary, upon seeing the sight


Revenge is a dish best served naked (or was that cold?).

Check it out: http://www.umbc.edu/athletics/Recreation/Images/Drec/ (Ed note: I'm publishing this on 6/29/09 and that page is still up. That's damn funny.)

I know where you live,

Mr. Popular.


Still Standing Right Here...

Boys Behaving Badly

Boys Behaving Badly

So how about the NBA, huh? That's some good shit. I couldn't believe it. I was watching the TV in disbelief. No way he actually just ran up into the stands and punched that guy. Thank God his teammate went to get him. Wait, he's not getting him. Wow. That was nuts. And then South Carolina and Clemson broke out in a fight that even armed police officers couldn't control for 10 minutes. I didn't think we'd miss the NHL as much as we do. People don't know where to fight anymore. At least in the NHL, there's a layer of glass between the players and fans so Marty McSorly can't go into the stands and beat somebody with his skate. Thank God we don't take soccer seriously. Then we'd just be Europe sans the fog.

Quote Of the Day 11/22/04

"Well, at least the NBA is exciting again."

-B Ferg

Sure, if wearing flak jackets and a helmet is your style. Which, by the way, I think would be funny if somebody out there has lower deck tickets to an NBA game and wants to get on TV.

Fighting for the forces of goo,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

DVRed to Death

DVRed to Death

Hey everybody. I'm trying hard not to fall behind, but the deck is stacked seriously against me now. See, I got this thing called DVR in my room. If you don't know what it is, the acronym "DVR" is actually not a disease, but it acts the same way. It records anything on TV that I tell it to and I can watch it and pause it and rewind it and turn it off whenever I want to. OK, so maybe it doesn't work like a disease so much as a TiVo. I thought I was in trouble a couple years ago when I discovered On Demand. This thing is killing me. There are some nights when I go out and come back and feel obligated to watch like 5 hours of TV just to catch up. Now couple this with the NFL Network and I'm in trouble. I just watched the 2001 NFC championship game between San Fran and New York and I recorded the 1992 AFC wild card game between Buffalo and Houston earlier today. It's almost 6 in the morning and I'm getting ready to watch it before I go to work. And I have an entire season of CSI to get to when this football thing slows down. Or when the sleeping or working thing slows down. Thankfully, I have lost touch with all of my friends recently to buy myself the time to do this.

So we go to Applebees a lot for half price appetizers. Well, at least when I'm not catching up on my Quantum Leap. Anyway, Jason was talking about our jerk bartender to Laura, a waitress friend of ours, who happened to be dating the jerk bartender. So here's how J got out of it...

Quote of the Day 11/8/04

"Well, it wasn't so much that he was an ass. He just wasn't a nice guy."

-J Tice



And here's Keith's lead-in while telling me the story...

2nd Quote of the Day 11/8/04

"And then in an effort to dig sideways..."

-Keith D

Jason has always had a way with words. And the ability to dig himself sideways. More on that in later quotes.

Back to my Tremors marathon,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...