Bushwhacked

Bushwhacked

So we have a new president now and it's been almost two days. It looks like it's going to stick this year. As dumb as Bush is, or at least as dumb as he pretends to be, he was just smart enough to get himself reelected. And I love the talk I hear from everyone about how Kerry gave up too early. Apparently he's a soft democrat loser baby wus. Or maybe he's just a decent guy who remembers what Bush drug the country through to get the presidency back in 2000 and he wanted to try to avoid making the nice people of Ohio work sleeplessly through their Thanksgiving weekend recounting hanging chads and deciding what constitutes a hole punch and what doesn't. Or maybe he's going to flip-flop one more time for good measure and sue the Bush campaign or the people of Ohio or whoever he thinks he can at this point to become president. But he's probably just a wus.

As a side note, I think it was funny that the biggest partisan split came in DC, granting Kerry 90% of the vote. And these are people that know politics. Just about all of them do it for a living or are trying to break into the market. Kinda like what Hollywood is to actresses. It's like all the waiters down there are aspiring politicians waiting for their big break. It's kinda funny to think about it that way, but that's not what I logged on to write to you about. Think about it this way. How much does the average guy in, say North Dakota, know about politics? Not nearly as much as the smaller, but densely populated political capital of our country. And 90% of them thought that Kerry would be a much better leader than the guy that's been living there for the last 4 tears. That should say something. Like when your neighbors all think you're an asshole, maybe the rest of the world should listen to them. As much as I preach that everyone's vote should carry the same amount of weight, I am really just kidding. I'd rather leave the election process up to people who vote based on more than just how the candidates feel about drug testing in the MLB. Maybe we should give DC more electoral votes, like 1/4 or 1/3 of the country's votes. Whatever suits my current needs.

Quote of the Day 11/4/04

"I may be big and dumb, but I'm not stupid."

-One of our D linemen after a game

2nd Quote of the Day 11/4/04

I was telling Tom what he said later on that day:

Me: "Well, he has a point."
Tom: "And I think he proved it."

He was actually trying to make a point when he said that too. You gotta love linemen.

Mock the vote,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Decision 2004 Players

Decision 2004 Players

Bush - I still can't believe he's actually our president. And barring another extreme Florida-2000-scale debacle, it looks like we'll probably have another 4 years of this monkey. But he's a resilient one, you have to admit. He didn't win the election but he still became the president. The UN said he couldn't go to war, he went to war anyway. I'm starting to think he didn't even get accepted to Yale. He probably just showed up there one day and started going to classes. Ugh. D+

Kerry - I have to admit that other than the hour or so of the one debate that I saw, I don't know much about Kerry. His name, as far as most people are concerned, might as well be Not Bush. That's the best thing he has going for him. But from what I've seen, he has some good ideas and he can actually think for himself, which is something I personally look for in a president. And he can do it in stride on the fly without a microphone in his ear. Hell, I'd have voted for Ryan Stiles over G Dub. C+

Voters - OK, let's not fuck this up like we did in 2000. I was embarrassed to be an American for a while. Elections should never be about whether or not you punched a hole all the way through a piece of paper. They went to touch screen voting in Florida this year just to help the old folks of Palm Beach so they don't go voting for Pat Buchannan of the Nazi Party again. And I don't think the term "idiot-proof" has ever been more literal. It's a good thing that the electoral system eliminates the margin of error by devaluing everyone's individual vote. B

Media - OK, I know the voters of Palm Beach garnered a lot of attention last time for their ballot-punching incompetence, but I think we all know who really fucked up. It was the bastards at CNN and every other station that jumped the gun with the Florida prediction just cause they got tired at 3:30 in the morning. I am going to assume they don't make that mistake this time. So far, there are three different electoral vote counts on three different stations. I don't see how math is different on one channel than it is on another. Yes I do. Here's the explanation. F

So I was playing poker one day during one of the first debates and I asked the guys in the livingroom staring at the TV what was going on...

Quote of the Day 11/2/04

"Bush just won on a last second field goal."

-Some poker guy

It's funny because it's kinda true. I don't know how you keep score at a debate, but I don't know how you keep score of curling either. I don't know why that matters to you.


Still Standing Right Here...

Fanhood

Fanhood

OK. So everybody's a Red Sox fan now. I'll admit, I liked seeing them beat up on the Yankees. It's always fun to see the Yankees lose, especially when they do it worse than anyone ever has before. But all of a sudden, everybody is walking around wearing Damon and Ortiz jerseys. In Baltimore too! This entire city has pledged to hate the Yanks and the Sox in the regular season. And I need to clear the air about something here before I continue. There are some people who believe that you are born into being a Skins fan, etc., and you can't ever root for anyone else under penalty of perjury. Kind of like the way religion does it (cheap shot, I know). Well, I'm not necessarily one of those people. If you like somebody, go ahead and root for them. Make your own decisions. Just don't claim that you liked them for any period of time since before game 5 of the ALCS. Then you're a liar. I have two friends that currently live in Boston and they are allowed to be Boston fans (Note to Kevin: they're the baseball team everybody's been turning over cars in celebration of the past few weeks). Everybody else is just trying to steal a piece of the action, just like me. And that's fine. Until you try to sell yourself as a faithful. Kinda like the way all these Tom Brady jerseys are popping up all over the place. I guess there's just something about that state. I suppose all the Republicans will be wearing Kerry jerseys after he wins the election. I don't think anybody will be buying any Bruins crap for a while.

So I know I disappeared for a while again. It's not an accident that it coincided with when I got a DVR in my bedroom. Pair that up with the NFL Network and that means I may never leave my apartment again. I just got done watching the 92 Bills/Oilers Wild Card game. And I have like every episode of CSI and Without a Trace waiting for when I finally get the time to watch them. I found myself recording shit like Tremors 4, which I didn't even know existed, just in case I felt like watching it sometime. I didn't. And I had to delete it to be able to fit in all the episodes of Desperate Housewives. I wish I was kidding.

Quote of the Day 11/1/04

"That car sucked. It was like driving a fart."

-Ryan Bowman, starting FB for Firehouse football


Yeah, it was kinda like running behind one of his blocks. (I don't know what that means)

Trying to get back into it,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Unwritten Ethical Violations of Passing Other Cars

We're going to pretend it's Tuesday and do the ratings thing:

Unwritten Ethical Violations of Passing Other Cars

Not Letting Someone Merge Onto the Road - Otherwise known as the "overaggressive spot-holder." I think this one pisses me off more than any other ethical traffic violation. In fact, I think this one is up there with getting into an elevator before I get out of it as my number one idiotic pet peeve. I can understand the riding of the next car's bumper if you are part of a chain of cars driving in the left lane and I'm trying to break into the chain to get around a guy in the middle lane. But when you see me coming onto an on ramp from another road and you refuse to let me into the right lane because you want to hold your spot in line is fucking intolerable! I swear to God this one lady would have rather ran me into the guard rail at the end of the merge lane than let me into her lane. And every next car in line was doing the same thing. This is why I think each car should come with a gun with one bullet. Traffic would flow a lot better that way. F

Driving Slow in the Fast Lane - Some people just haven't figured it out yet. The further left you go, the faster you have to drive. Why wouldn't you be able to do this? And I'm not talking about when it's crowded and confusing. If I have the ability to pass you on the right, you should get the hell out of my way in the first place. I'm not flashing my brights at you because you have a tail light out. And one day when I was particularly pissed off, I decided to get in front of this guy and sit down and see how slow I could go before he'd pass me on the right just to show him how annoying it was. Well, I got down to 30 on 95 and he waited me out. I don't get it. D

Passing On the Right - I can justify this action if it's not abused. Especially if you have an asshole doing 45 in the fast lane. In fact, it's a written law that you have to stay right in New Jersey (that's the only good thing NJ can be referenced for). Of course, it's also a law that you can't pass on the right in NJ. So if somebody’s driving slow in the left lane and you pass him on the right, you are both at fault? They mean well, but they still can't get their shit together. B

Speeding Up When Somebody Tries To Pass You - This is another strictly asshole move. If you wanted to be going that fast, you should have been doing that the whole time. Don't speed up just because you are being threatened as the fastest car on the road. This is like the traffic version of penis envy. What's your damn problem? There's no need to concern yourself with me. D-

Quote of the Day 9/7/04

"I'm sure she's nice. She's just not nice to other people."

-Katie Kraus


That's Katie's version of a compliment.

Passing on the shoulder,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

I'm Back! Again.

I'm Back! Again.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been 3 months since my last quote. In that time, I have taken the Lord's name in vain probably close to 400 times and I've masturbated about that many times also. I did not covet thy neighbor's wife, but I did check out her ass for probably an uncomfortable period of time. I don't believe that I have born false witness against my neighbor, but I'm not really sure what that means, so I guess I may have. I also stole this pink slap bracelet from a store. I actually did that back in 1992, but I haven't really told anybody about it until now. So yeah, please forgive me for my sins father.

Sorry I keep getting lost in the shuffle for months at a time. You missed my exciting summer of day camp drama again. I've heard I'm actually funnier when I'm stressed out and pissed off. And I'm willing to make the sacrifice for the greater good! Actually, the reason I got inspired to start this up again is this conversation I had with this chick at Howl at the Moon. It went something like this:

Random Chick: "...I'm actually a big fan of comedy."
Excited Dustin: "Well, I happen to write a daily e-mail humor column."
Interested Chick: "Really?! What did you write about today."
Nervous Dustin: "Actually, I didn't write anything today."
Confused Chick: "Well, what did you write about yesterday?"
Back to the Wall Dustin: "Actually, I haven't really written anything in 3 months."
Less Interested Chick: "So you USED to write a humor column."
Lying Dustin: "No... I still do."
Uninterested Chick: "It doesn't really sound like you do."
Desperate Dustin: "Well, sometimes, things aren't exactly like they sound."
Mean Chick: "Kinda like how you originally sounded interesting."
Pissed Off That He Was Caught In a Lie Dustin: "And kinda like how you originally sounded cute."

OK, it didn't happen exactly like that, but it made me want to start it back up, if for no other reason than I might have a shot with a chick someday. And to try to battle the laziness factor, I'm going to try to adhere to a weekly quote schedule that will be as follows:

Monday: Freestyle rant about anything - This is where I can really talk about anything. I figure at least one funny thing will happen over the weekend that I can rant about. Or I can just make some shit up. But anyway, that's Monday.

Tuesday: Ratings - This is fun. This is where I can rate anything. Like I can rate my nicknames, the time zones, songs about women's asses and ways to get money illegally. But as usual, they all end in a quote just to keep the theme alive.

Wednesday: My day off - This is the day during the middle of the week that I will take off. If I get inspired, I will send a quote out on a Wednesday, but it is optional. To be honest, all days are optional, but especially Wednesday.

Thursday: Old School quote: I'm going to try to remember all the funny things people said from a long time ago that I never got a chance to put in the quote of the day. And I'll try to rehash stories from a while ago too. Anything at least a year old will be considered old school. Well, I'll at least give this a shot for a little while.

Friday: Movie review - I am going to try to rate a movie every Friday based on the Bug system, with 10 bugs being as good as A Bug's Life. It's a system I came up with shortly after seeing a Bug's Life and I'm stuck with it now. The movies might be new, they might not. In fact, they might not even be movies. And I might not even do it, who the hell knows?

Saturday and Sunday: More days off - I will use these days to try to catch up from when I inevitably fall behind during the week. So these will be the days in which I lie about what day it is.

So that's the weekly schedule, like it or not. You can plan your week accordingly now.

So today is not only my dad's birthday, but also my parent's anniversary. Happy 35th Anniversary Mom and Dad!!! They're awesome. I have definitely honored my mother and father throughout the years. Most of you already know how funny my dad is through either meeting him in person or reading this crap for the past however many years. Well, in honor of the day of his birth, I have a dad quote that he said to me earlier this summer...

Quote of the Day 9/6/04

Dad: "Hey, I saw a show the other day that I couldn't believe you weren't on."
Me: "Oh really, what was it?"
Dad: "Last Comic Standing."

He could have just said "Hey, how come you're not on that show Last Comic Standing," but that wouldn't have been dad. And when they start up a show called Last Comic Typing, I'll jump on it, I promise.

Happy Birthday Dad!
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Doing 5 Hail Marys and 3 Hey Judes,

Friar Lennon.


Still Standing Right Here...