Review of "The Ring"

Review of "The Ring"

Before I critique this movie, let me tell you about the plethora of emotions I went through before I even saw this movie. When I first heard of The Ring, it sounded like a neat and rather original concept. I was interested. Then I saw a poster for it. And a cheesy TV ad. They reminded me that I don't like horror movies. So it was over. I had already made plans to never watch it. Then all my fear junkies came back from seeing it opening night saying how good it was. Big deal. They said the same thing about Tremors 3 (yes, there's a 3). Then some people whose opinions I actually care about said it was good and I should go see it. Then more people. Then everybody said it. And who am I to tell everybody they're wrong (the same guy you were last time you did). So that's what got me out to the theater. So before I even saw this trippy flick, I was already going through this roller coaster of emotions about the film. Actually, it was more like a roller coaster of opinions. But who's counting (and who's still reading)? The Ring is a serious horror movie. It's not the crappy teeny bop bubble gum scary movie like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer and it's not the beast out of control wanna be horror movie like Deep Blue Sea and The Hot Chick. It's like nothing you've ever seen before. Unless you saw Stir Of Echoes. Well, not exactly. If you cut up Stir Of Echoes into 52 pieces and shuffled them a little bit and cut the corner off of all the face cards and threw away all the diamonds and replaced them with 13 pieces of an unidentifiable sticky substance, you'd have The Ring (I think we lost him). The main character has no idea what they are looking for and only has a vague idea of where to start. Piece by piece, you learn more as the filmmakers see fit. There's even a prophetic-for-no-reason son in both of them. The difference is that while Stir Of Echoes kinda makes sense in the end, The Ring is off the hook. OK, so there's this videotape where you watch it and get a phone call correctly predicting your death a week from that moment. Well, what if you're not near a phone? Or what if you only watch half the tape. Or what if you were in the room while it was playing but trimming your mustache or something else? So we look past these practical issues. Then there's the ridiculously obscure backstory. Something about an insane girl, a torturing father, and what the hell was up with the horses? Why did the horse go nuts on the boat? I was left asking myself that question about a lot of stuff in that movie? Why was that scene even in the movie? Can't answer that one.

I think I've begun to confuse myself writing this review and I would like to stop now. It is a very scary flick. I recommend watching it alone at night with all the lights out. And I know it won't happen in this day and age, but I think it should only come out on videotape when it comes out. And if it does come out on DVD, rent the video. Go old school. It'll be worth it. It would be even cooler if they re-shot like half the scenes in the movie and replaced the videotape with DVDs for when it comes out in Blockbuster. That would really fuck me up, and as a professional wiffleball referee, I can guarantee it would be worth the production cost. Man, would that be freaky! OK, I'm done with that thought. Go see it. As soon as you can. 8 1/2 bugs (bonus bugs for being a good horror movie without selling out, there ain't many).

My sister and her boyfriend recently bought an RV and decided to give up the luxury of a steady income for a life of considerable doubt, second-guessing, and Ramen noodles. And I really wish I had the balls to do it. Anyway, they are currently on their way to San Diego to try to buy tickets off scalpers to the Superbowl. I don't know exactly how expensive tickets are, but I imagine it's a lot of Ramen noodles. Anyway, my sis took the time out to e-mail me from El Paso to thank me for my Christmas gift to her...

Quote Of the Day 1/10/03

"Thanks a lot for the radio - good idea! We use it all the time - its getting us through the playoffs and we get to hear great local talk radio shows hosted by stereotypical old male hicks wherever we are, and hear some news - but some places we've been actually didn't have any news."

-Excerpt from my vagabond sis


I guess a worldwide nuclear threat isn't big enough to make it onto their radio stations. Hell, they probably wouldn't even realize it happened for a solid week.

Watching DVDs from now on,

Achilles Heal.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Best Man's Man

The Best Man's Man

OK. I'm falling behind, so no time for trivial things like chit chat. Or verbs (or jokes). There's a lot to catch you up on, in case there's anybody out there who still cares what I'm doing (hi mom) down here. But I need to tell you about Vegas first. Mike's brother was getting married there and his 'rents said he could take a date. That's where I came in. So the entire trip, the dad referred to me as Mike's "friend." He even made the little two finger on each hand " symbol when he said the word "friend." And I did wear a pink hat for 9 years, which didn't provide a great argument for my heterosexuality. Or Mike's (or my gay lover's). So the night of the wedding, Mike actually went and hooked up with his brother's long time best friend and best man, an actual girl named Cheresa who goes by the name Charlie. So we were anxious to spread the news to his dad to dispel the whole heterosexual myth, to which he retorted...

Quote Of the Day 1/9/03

"If you wanted to prove you weren't gay, hooking up with your brother's best man isn't exactly the best way to go about it."

-Mr. (Ghengis) Conover


Especially a best man named Charlie.

Jumping off the gay train,

Mr. Whistlehead.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating TV Shows I'm Currently Addicted To

TV Shows I'm Currently Addicted To

Boston Public - This show has managed to figure out the perfect formula for longevity. OK, it's a show about a high school, and every episode contains over the top controversial topics. Well, there is a very small finite number of issues they can possibly tackle. So in the last two years, they've basically just turned over their cast gradually, but completely, and recycled the same exact storylines as before. Brilliant. But becoming a waste of my videotapes. Good thing Jeri Ryan is hot. C+

CSI - I've recently watched a few motion picture cop thrillers like Murder By Numbers and Blood Work and I swear most CSI episodes are better than those. This show is incredible. Every story written is original and comes complete with a necessary twist or several to keep you interested and to keep you guessing. And it's already spawned a spinoff in its third year of existence. Soon, there will be enough CSIs to have an all CSI/Law & Order network. My VCR will overheat. A+

Dead Zone - It's a mix between Quantum Leap and Early Edition. It's got an interesting story and in the end, the good guy always wins. It's a feel good show for better or worse. Whether you like that aspect or not. And it's definitely got that cable TV - cheap sets, cheaper effects, do it in one take - feel to it. But for low budget, it's good to see something come close to Quantum Leap (if you like that sorta thing). A-

Joe Millionaire - You would assume that I would actually enjoy all the TV shows that I watch religiously. Well, with Joe Millinoaire, that's not the case. But it's like a train wreck. Or a walrus whacking off at the zoo. I just can't turn away. But I recommend everybody watch the last 15 minutes of the last episode. That'll be funny. D

On a non-related topic, there was this inside joke going around about how Tim had a small penis that was funny mostly because of Tim's reaction to it every time we'd do something like order him a one-inch sub for lunch. Anyway, Laurie ("that was from a movie? oh, i thought you were funny") happened to be with us this particular lunch when we were ragging on Tim with quip after unfunny quip about how his manhood never outgrew his boyhood, when Tim pleaded to Laurie that he didn't know why we thought this of him...

Quote Of the Day 1/7/03

"It's OK, Tim. I already thought that."

-No holds barred Laurie


She probably meant that she thought we were kidding, but who knows how fast word spreads when your Mini Me can be called Tiny Tim.

Buying videotapes by the gallon,

Mr. Whistlehead.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Prodigal Sorcerer Returns

The Prodigal Sorcerer Returns

So I was 45 minutes into the first episode of Joe Millionaire, which I had taped earlier tonight so I could run back to pay the rent at our place, which by the way has been heatless during the coldest six days of the year, before returning to Steph's (sorta new g/f) where we also had the season premiere of Dead Zone from last night to watch afterwards, when suddenly I realized... my television watching addiction has gotten out of hand (so has this sentence). I blame the media. But seriously, I actually blame my VCR. I thought the realization that I could videotape stuff that I missed would help my social life, because now I could go out and watch Law & Order: Underwater Crimes when I got back from wherever I would have went if I had this theoretic social life and instead skip some of my other addictions. Like sleep (and work). But what has happened instead is that I've become a master of the record timer, setting up sometimes 6 programs in one night so I can watch them all when I get back from work. Steph loves this. I have over 65 hours of backlogged tapes to watch when I'm finished this e-mail. And 15 minutes of those belong to a show called Joe Millionaire, the rock bottom epitome of all reality TV shows (the rock bottom of TV as it is). And so I realized the former addiction that I've been neglecting for so long. That's where you guys come in.

So I'm gonna try to keep doing this again (yeah, right) to stay away from such horrible habits. I'm sure if my parents knew I was watching Joe Millionaire, they'd probably rather I was on crack. So anyway, I was talking to Kevin, who is in the Seminary, preparing to be a minister (that's actually not a joke) and we were watching the news on any given night of the week and heard that another priest was caught pulling an R. Kelly (but with a boy, of course). So I asked Kevin what the difference between a minister and a priest was with respect to altar boys...

Quote Of the Day 1/6/03

"Ministers don't get caught."

-He of the future cloth


Man I hope God has a sense of humor.

Back again,

Slim Gimpy.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of "Insomnia"

Review of "Insomnia"

The movie I want to critique this week stars three well-known Academy Award winning actors and is directed by someone who should have one for his last film. But here's the problem. Well, problems. Al Pacino's strength: Steaming mad yelling angry man. His character showed this outrage in maybe half a scene. Robin WIlliams's strength: Making faces and getting people to laugh, or doing other things. Actually, he did a good job in playing a pscho who you weren't sure whether to like or not. Hilary Swank's strength: Portraying a man. Her character was not a man. Chris Nolan's strength: His story writing and warping of time, giving us a little at a time at precisely thought out intervals. This film was in complete chronological order and it was a remake of a 1997 Norwegian film.

That's another thing. Are we that desperate for stories that we remake movies not even 5 years old now? First people have stopped writing new music, now Hollywood is jumping on the bandwaggon? Well, I wasn't going to go see the Norwegian film, so I guess they know what they're doing. Now the plot was some twisted murder mystery, but the little catch (because there always is one in these Nolan films), is that Al Pacino's character, who flew up to Alaska from LA during the summer, can't sleep in this fucked up part of earth where the sun never goes down. You've got to be all sorts of fucked up to actually live in this place. It's gotta be great for after work soccer leagues, but for people that enjoy sleep and flashlight tag, it really sucks. Anyway, so Al goes like 5 days without sleeping at all. And Chris Nolan had a scene or two where you could tell that Al wasn't operating on all four cylinders, but I expected more from him. Of course, anything after Memento is going to look extremely ordinary, but I did expect more out of him. Of course since he made it big time, he probably has deadlines to meet and a boss and stuff. And I doubted Guy Pierce and Joe Pantoliano gave him as much crap as Al and Robin.

I'll end by saying I like this film and I will watch it again on DVD just to make sure I don't want to see it a third time, but if you miss it, don't bang your head on the desk too hard. But the story is really good. And you never know who to root for, which I really like in a film. And it's got a twist ending, which I also like. Not quite Shyamalan, but still twisty. 6 1/2 bugs.

Well, I was going to go see the movie with Mike and he showed up to my place 5 minutes before the movie started because he fell asleep on his couch...

Quote of the Day 7/12/02

"Sorry I'm late, but it would be really funny if we were late to a movie called 'Insomnia' because I overslept."

-Yelnick McMikey


You should have heard his excuse for when we were late for "Dick."

Meters to go before I sleep, Meters to go before I sleep,

Dustin Frosty.


Still Standing Right Here...