First of all, I would like to apologize for the
last two messages being labeled improperly as 1/7/99 and 1/10/99. That was not
a joke. It was a mistake. And I guess I'll warn you now, but I'm taking the
whole month of February off. I know a lot of my attempts at jokes are unfunny and
just sound like obscure statements instead, but the previous statement is
really just an intentionally non-funny factual truth. I'm not going to be doing
any quotes of the day for the entire month of February. I have my reasons, and
I'll tell them to you for a price, but just sleep assured that at least I'm not
taking off January or March or any month with 31 days. Just little old
February. Even though it is a leap year. And don't tell Jessie Jackson if it
comes up. He'll probably sue me for intentionally boycotting black history
month. And it's not because it's Valentine’s Day month either. Even though I
will manage to avoid having to come up with another bitter spite-filled rant
about women or relationships. I'm running out, believe it or not. I haven't
been dicked over in a while. Tell you what guys. I'll spend all February trying
to get taken advantage of so I have more material for you, OK? Well that having
been said, I would like to go back to the quote I sent out back toward
Christmas about how I'm getting old because I got a blender and a humidifier
for Christmas. Well, I jokingly asked for jumper cables and a 2 pint sauce pan
for my birthday. Good Joe got me jumper cables, an ice scraper, a headlight
(which makes two I have in boxes, unable to put them in because I still don't
have a star ratchet), and a ratchet set including a star ratchet with which to
install said headlight and its older brother (good thinking on his part), and
it was the best gift I got this year. So I'm old. Or mature. Or probably just
grown up, which is somewhere in between. But not really. I still shower with my
bathing suit on.
Anyway, I was driving along with said Joe and all of a sudden I looked down at
my gas gauge and it was on E. I could have sworn I had just filled it up. Well,
I was a bit surprised...
Quote Of the Day 1/11/00
Me: "Ah! When the hell did that happen?!?"
Joe: "What?"
Me: "I'm outta gas."
Joe: "I'm guessing gradually over the last 250 miles."
I will admit, he has a strong argument.
Faking it all,
Extendo.
Still Standing Right Here...
Tuesday, January 11, 2000
Thursday, January 6, 2000
Quote From the Past
Hey
there folks. For those of you that don't know, I'll be at my parent's place all
weekend in PA. This computer doesn't have a Pentium and seems to be
experiencing some y2k problems. Every time I try to sdkjj udus dgu dsshiopi
sdiubsiduh;i; sdubiab [[hdfa;ug a[
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[transfer interrupted]
[fatal execution error 19624-06]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: quote of the day 1/6/1900
Greeting, plebeians. Well, this new century brings with it much promise for the future. In a lightning quick 3 hour long address, President McKinley announced that coal is going to be the wave of the future. At approximately 12:00 noon, he cut the ribbon of the new Rockefeller Plantation and two gigantic smokestacks simultaneously let huge clouds of beautiful black smoke into the air. Shortly afterward, the 300 16-yr-old Rockefeller employees were ordered to get back to work. Also, I have just found out through the Trans-Atlantic Cable that the dawn of the new century has not stopped the kindly British from teaching the ways of Christ to African savages. Nothing can stop those guys. Except maybe the race of titan-like creatures they just discovered were living in the wild west. It's not a good week to be a buffalo fan. On a slightly more embarrassing note, I was out with a girl the other night and one thing led to another, and... well, to be honest, I couldn't figure out how to get her corset off. It was a rather complicated strap in the back. It had like two little hooks going one way and a third, bigger hook... well, it's not important.
Now
what the hell is going on in the art world today? One century, Van Gogh is
painting a beautiful version of the night sky, and the next century, this guy
named Picasso decides the human form is not correct the way God intended it,
and puts both our eyes on the same side of our face with a nose sticking out
into nowhere. I guess the guy must have a plan of some sort. Or maybe he was
just doing a portrait of somebody really ugly, and decided he needed to pretend
to invent a new way of painting so he wouldn't get shot. That's probably what
happened. And what's the big deal with this "Scream" painting? It
sucks. It's a ghost in front of a bunch of spilled paint. I was tempted to just
rip that right off the wall and take it home with me.------------------------------------------------------------------------
[transfer interrupted]
[fatal execution error 19624-06]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: quote of the day 1/6/1900
Greeting, plebeians. Well, this new century brings with it much promise for the future. In a lightning quick 3 hour long address, President McKinley announced that coal is going to be the wave of the future. At approximately 12:00 noon, he cut the ribbon of the new Rockefeller Plantation and two gigantic smokestacks simultaneously let huge clouds of beautiful black smoke into the air. Shortly afterward, the 300 16-yr-old Rockefeller employees were ordered to get back to work. Also, I have just found out through the Trans-Atlantic Cable that the dawn of the new century has not stopped the kindly British from teaching the ways of Christ to African savages. Nothing can stop those guys. Except maybe the race of titan-like creatures they just discovered were living in the wild west. It's not a good week to be a buffalo fan. On a slightly more embarrassing note, I was out with a girl the other night and one thing led to another, and... well, to be honest, I couldn't figure out how to get her corset off. It was a rather complicated strap in the back. It had like two little hooks going one way and a third, bigger hook... well, it's not important.
My witty grandpa from New York paid us a visit today, and just as he always is, he was right on top of his wits as soon as he got into the house. Before he even said hi, he uttered a classic line...
Quote Of the Day 1/6/1900
"I just rode (rowed) here all the way from New York, and boy are my arms tired!"
-Grandpa
Get it? Like rowing? What a card.
Progress at all costs,
Dustin Glenson.
I Can't Stand It..
Tuesday, January 4, 2000
Personal Fouls and Bowling Homework
My friend's mom suggested that we get 3 personal
fouls a day. I like the number, but I think that might be a bit much. If this
gets out of my little click of friends, the world could turn violent. I think 6
a week is a good number. It's more challenging to save them for the weekend,
when you'll probably really need them. I think you should also get a challenge
a day, in case you don't think a joke was really funny but everybody laughed
out of politeness, or if you think the cab driver made a wrong turn but won't
admit it. Of course if you are proven wrong, you lose a time out. And while
we're sort of on the subject, my first quarter has just ended and the second
quarter already begun. I didn't get too much of a break between quarters here,
so I'm taking the next few days off and going back home again. It's really rare
that I get all the planets to align and I don't have to work at any of my jobs
for 4 days in a row. Well, unless you count the last week and a half.
I had my second day of bowling class yesterday. We went over the 7-10 split and the proper celebratory technique after one gets a strike. The kids are really catching on quickly. I'm proud of them. Tuesday night, I was sitting in my chair making up a homework assignment for them to make sure they knew how to keep score properly. Tony asked what I was doing...
Quote Of the Day 1/4/00
Me: "I'm actually making up homework for my bowling class."
Tony: "What are you doing? Giving them a pop quiz on directions to the bowling alley?"
You make a right on:
A. Security Blvd.
B. Route 40.
C. Sesame St.
D. The Road Not Taken
E. All of the above
How does that strike you,
Dr. Extendo.
Still Standing Right Here...
I had my second day of bowling class yesterday. We went over the 7-10 split and the proper celebratory technique after one gets a strike. The kids are really catching on quickly. I'm proud of them. Tuesday night, I was sitting in my chair making up a homework assignment for them to make sure they knew how to keep score properly. Tony asked what I was doing...
Quote Of the Day 1/4/00
Me: "I'm actually making up homework for my bowling class."
Tony: "What are you doing? Giving them a pop quiz on directions to the bowling alley?"
You make a right on:
A. Security Blvd.
B. Route 40.
C. Sesame St.
D. The Road Not Taken
E. All of the above
How does that strike you,
Dr. Extendo.
Still Standing Right Here...
Monday, January 3, 2000
Bowling and Real Life Time Outs
Well, I already fucked up the year on the date
of one of my checks. I tried to write January 3, 2000, and it came out January
3, {undefined}. That was weird. Apparently, my wrist is not y2k compliant. At
any rate, I started teaching bowling Monday. What a tough job, let me tell you.
The first day, we went over how to keep score and how to get there. Nobody
asked me any questions about fatty amino acids that I didn't know the answers
to, and a couple of the guys had a beer or two during the 3 hour bowling
outing. Now this is my kind of class! Next class we're going to discuss lane
courtesy and what to do when you spill your drink at the console. The kids
can't wait.
If you don't know me that well, you probably don't know that I've started instituting a time out policy in actual life. (You get 2 a day, by the way.) I thought the concept of getting time outs should extend passed just the sports world. Often times I find myself in a conversation that begins innocently enough but gradually degenerates toward something I don't really want to hear about. Rosanne Barr and nakedness comes directly to mind. Anyway, I had to tell Mike, Kevin and Joe about this time out policy that I had already founded back in MD, because I called a time out and they gave me that "we're not the correct crowd for that particular inside joke" look, which I had grown accustomed to seeing because of them, as opposed to seeing it from them. They laughed, dismissed it, and shortly afterward, we started up a harmless enough conversation. Then I make one little anal sex joke and Mike glares at me rather harmfully...
Quote Of the Day 1/3/00
"How many personal fouls do you get?"
-Heterosexual Mike
I had to waste a time out there.
Faith, hope, and charity,
Mr. Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
If you don't know me that well, you probably don't know that I've started instituting a time out policy in actual life. (You get 2 a day, by the way.) I thought the concept of getting time outs should extend passed just the sports world. Often times I find myself in a conversation that begins innocently enough but gradually degenerates toward something I don't really want to hear about. Rosanne Barr and nakedness comes directly to mind. Anyway, I had to tell Mike, Kevin and Joe about this time out policy that I had already founded back in MD, because I called a time out and they gave me that "we're not the correct crowd for that particular inside joke" look, which I had grown accustomed to seeing because of them, as opposed to seeing it from them. They laughed, dismissed it, and shortly afterward, we started up a harmless enough conversation. Then I make one little anal sex joke and Mike glares at me rather harmfully...
Quote Of the Day 1/3/00
"How many personal fouls do you get?"
-Heterosexual Mike
I had to waste a time out there.
Faith, hope, and charity,
Mr. Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
Saturday, January 1, 2000
Review of Dogma and y2k
Really
quick, I'm gonna go over how I felt about Dogma, my most recent theatrical sojourn.
Instead of doing this in paragraph style, I'll give a test group of ten factors
of the film a bug rating between 0 and 1.
Original and interesting story idea: 1
Application and/or entertainment value of story idea: 0
Chris Rock falling out of the sky naked: 0
George Carlin playing a cardinal: 1
Attempt at witty one-liners: 0
Alan Rickman (bad guy in Die Hard) showing his naked crotch: 0
Salma Hayek not showing hers (and trying to act): 0
Alanis Morissette as God: 1/2
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon: 1
Jay and Silent Bob as prophets: 0
My head explodes when Alanis sings too. So it looks like Dogma gets 3 1/2 bugs, which is about right. I appreciate its attempts at making a farce of organized religion, but most of its attempts seemed flaky and not completely executed. The film was well researched, which is something most open attempts to mock religion are not, but it wasn't enough to keep me interested. And Jay and Silent Bob type humor is just a little too crass and unfunny for me. Ben and Matt really carried the film for those people who feel the same way I do about Kevin Smith. Of course I didn't like Chasing Amy at all, for what it's worth.
Well, it certainly appears as though we survived y2k with only a few minor scratches. For example, if you checked UMBC's Athletics webpage yesterday in Netscape, it would have said "Jan 03, 19100." But there was no major power outage, no idiots strapping themselves to bombs and walking into Central Park or DC, and frankly, I was a little disappointed. Apparently, they closed the tunnels in and out of New York and went so far as to wire the sewer lids shut to avoid such an incidence. Seattle even cancelled their planned New Years Eve shindig to avoid terrorist affairs. I agreed with them at the time, but now that nothing happened, I think Seattle is a big wus city. I guess all the smart terrorists will be out next year, at the end of the real millennium, when the ill-equipped, short-sighted public who all decided sometime last year that the fact that we get to write a 2 as the first digit of the year on our checks now was a good enough reason to ignore certain historic data will just treat it as any other minimum security New Years Eve. It's just me and Al Franken left, isn't it?
Anyway,
my mom asked what I was doing for New Years Eve, if I had planned on going to
DC or New York or anything, to which I told her that I was just going into
Baltimore City if anything...Original and interesting story idea: 1
Application and/or entertainment value of story idea: 0
Chris Rock falling out of the sky naked: 0
George Carlin playing a cardinal: 1
Attempt at witty one-liners: 0
Alan Rickman (bad guy in Die Hard) showing his naked crotch: 0
Salma Hayek not showing hers (and trying to act): 0
Alanis Morissette as God: 1/2
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon: 1
Jay and Silent Bob as prophets: 0
My head explodes when Alanis sings too. So it looks like Dogma gets 3 1/2 bugs, which is about right. I appreciate its attempts at making a farce of organized religion, but most of its attempts seemed flaky and not completely executed. The film was well researched, which is something most open attempts to mock religion are not, but it wasn't enough to keep me interested. And Jay and Silent Bob type humor is just a little too crass and unfunny for me. Ben and Matt really carried the film for those people who feel the same way I do about Kevin Smith. Of course I didn't like Chasing Amy at all, for what it's worth.
Well, it certainly appears as though we survived y2k with only a few minor scratches. For example, if you checked UMBC's Athletics webpage yesterday in Netscape, it would have said "Jan 03, 19100." But there was no major power outage, no idiots strapping themselves to bombs and walking into Central Park or DC, and frankly, I was a little disappointed. Apparently, they closed the tunnels in and out of New York and went so far as to wire the sewer lids shut to avoid such an incidence. Seattle even cancelled their planned New Years Eve shindig to avoid terrorist affairs. I agreed with them at the time, but now that nothing happened, I think Seattle is a big wus city. I guess all the smart terrorists will be out next year, at the end of the real millennium, when the ill-equipped, short-sighted public who all decided sometime last year that the fact that we get to write a 2 as the first digit of the year on our checks now was a good enough reason to ignore certain historic data will just treat it as any other minimum security New Years Eve. It's just me and Al Franken left, isn't it?
Quote Of the Day 1/1/00
"OK. So just your local looting and rioting."
-Mom
It wasn't even that exciting.
Happy New Year!
The Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
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