Car Problems and Funny Nana

Well, I hope everybody's Christmas wasn't as crappy as mine. I got Good Joe to look at my car, and he had some bad news for me. Apparently, both tires, as a general rule, are supposed to be pointing in the same direction. Well, to sum up, mine aren't. They are pointing in the same general direction, which is positive. But Joe says that that kind of stuff causes the car to shake and rattle, which is the number one reason for all car failure. Also, the axle is bent and the oil pan is dented. And the window is still broken. But I actually got a piece of plastic to stay up there. This now, however, is very inconvenient for a number of things. For instance, I was driving for a while and decided to chew a piece of gum. Well, when I was ready to spit it out, I turned around toward the back seat out of habit, and realized that this path was no longer an option. And I still can't really roll down my front window. So I would have to reach over to my passenger side window, and stretch out my arm all that way, while trying to hold my newly disaligned steering wheel from veering into either of the two lanes on the sides of me where people were driving a lot faster than me. So I swallowed it. And that's another thing. I drive a lot slower now. I want to be fully prepared when my front left tire flies off my car. I actually spend a good amount of time out on the road looking for safe places to steer toward when it happens. And the car really doesn't shake a lot more or do any other random funky thing that it didn't before, but now I'm more scared about it. I guess I just have to get louder speakers. That'll fix those noises.

So Christmas night rolled around and I didn't get that brand new Oldsmobile rear driver's side window under the tree. Or any volleyball team. Oh well. So as I was leaving, I decided to try to duct tape some plastic to my window. I asked Char (my sis) if she had any duct tape, to which she said that she had just seen some in my old room and borrowed it...


Quote Of the Day 12/28/98

Char: "Yeah, we have some. I just abducted some duct tape."
Nana: "So now it's just tape."


That's right! Even my grandma's funny.


Funkier than most dirt,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Fishtailing Fun

Well, I'm going to be the first person (probably not) to warn you all about driving in the snow. And here's why... First of all, I got out to my car this morning and had to wipe about 3 inches of it off my roof, windshield, hood, and back seat. That was the easy part. Then I set off to go back home. Well, all yesterday, Joe was driving like a little wus and I was making fun of him. It's just a little snow. Pansy. Well, not more than 2 minutes after I eventually started moving in the car, I was fishtailing leaving UMBC toward Giant. It was a rather harmless fishtail, as fishtails go. I was still going the direction I was supposed to be going, my tires just weren't pointed that way. No biggy. Well, then my tires finally caught, and I started going the direction my tires were going. Briefly. It just so happened that when my tires caught, they were pointed somewhat straight toward the median. So I tried to turn my tires to point in a slightly more safe direction. Like the way I was going just a few seconds earlier. My car disagreed and the back swung around and I was definitely going to hit the median. So I braced myself. (Now for those of you who don't know, this "median" is just a curb about as high as a normal curb and three or so feet wide.) Well, I hit it. And I went onto it. And I went over it. On the plus side, it slowed me down as I was heading for the woods. Also, the back of my car had swung around so that I was now facing the direction of traffic again, only not in the original direction that I had intended to go. Well, the decreased speed thankfully enabled me to regain control of the vehicle. So I pulled over and decided to see just what the bottom of my car looked like. It's got a few nicks and scratches, but other than that, it looked OK, I guess. Except for that huge dent in what could possibly be something important. Like maybe the frame of my car. But that was the worst of it. I could still drive away and everything. I didn't necessarily want to drive at this point, but I did. Also, upon collision, all the presents I bought you guys went flying out the window and got ran over. Sorry. And somehow, and most importantly, my three (two and a half) functional windows are still intact. And it was kinda fun. Hell, I'm going back to do it again!

Quote Of the Day 12/24/98

Me: "Hey, did you ever find it funny that chicken fingers are so much bigger than chicken wings?"
Craig (fellow waiter): "Well, no wonder the dumb fuckers can't fly."


Hey, y'all have a safe couple of days. And don't tell my parents about the whole jumping the median thing. I'm just gonna tell her that the same guy who broke my window came back and beat the underside of my car too.


Merry Christmas (or whatever equivalent holiday),
Elf for hire.


Still Standing Right Here...

That's Not Her Style

Well, it's December 23rd, and I still have to do approximately 85% of my Christmas shopping. And I'm actually ahead of where I was last year. And here's just a lesson I thought I'd pass on to the rest of you that I learned last year. Not too much is open on Christmas Day. If you wait that long, you better hope they like whatever Aunt Henrietta gave you on Christmas Eve or egg rolls. Anyway...

For those of you who didn't know, during that long "sabbatical" from the quote of the day, I went to go see Billy Joel play. It was a great show, even though I could literally stand up and hit my head on the roof of the FU Center. Well, just before he played "That's Not Her Style," he introduced the song...


Quote Of the Day 12/23/98

"This is a song that I wrote for my SECOND ex-wife... So basically, what I'm saying... is 'What the hell do I know?'"
-Billy (the man)


Downtown Man,
Ghetto D.


Still Standing Right Here...

My "Job"

OK. I'm going to remind you guys again why I like my job so much. I actually had to be in early today, which is the bad part (10:30 is what we all consider early). As soon as I got to "work," Gary and Geoff told me to put my stuff down and we headed over to Gym I to scrimmage the varsity girls basketball team. We lost, but damn, did we have fun doing it! Then we walked back over to the office and Gary handed me my check for the last couple weeks and told me to go get some Christmas shopping done. The he went out to lunch with his wife, and told me to be here tomorrow at the same time to do the same thing. And this is the reason why I don't have a burning desire to get a "better" job.

Quote Of the Day 12/22/98

"Yeah, occasionally I'll walk in the Fieldhouse and see like Schickert and Mikey and Rushing playing against the girls volleyball team... Um, where do I sign up for that?"
-Good Tony (White Tony)


Get in line, buddy.


Assistant women's basketball coach,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

A Tale of Two Bills

So Clinton was impeached. For those of you who aren't as politically adept as myself (I asked some chick at work), I'll tell you what exactly that means. Not much. I used to think that it meant that Clinton was no longer going to be in office, but what it really means is that he is going to go to trial to see if he's allowed to stay. So basically, it just reinforced the fact that we don't like him. Whatever. When we don't like somebody where I come from, we hit them. That's what we need. We just need to get the entire house of representatives to get big foam noodles and settle this thing like children. If nothing else, it would be mortally embarrassing getting your ass kicked by a bunch of stuffed shirts with wacky noodles on TV. And I'll bet CNN's ratings would be higher than ever. And in case you didn't realize it yet, I'm open to any kind of viewpoint you wish to present on the issue, but if you want a serious political conversation, I'll get lost really quickly. At least until you get to the stuff about the cigar. Now that shit's funny!

Quote Of the Day 12/20/98

"You know who's got to be happy about the whole Clinton/Monica scandal? Billy Joel. Because now when he does 'We Didn't Start the Fire 99,' he'll have something to rhyme with Kaczynski."
-A Rolling Stone article Evil Beer Mike told me about


Ted Kaczynski was the unabomber, for those of you who didn't know. Stupid plebeians. (I had to look it up on the internet)


Close, but no cigar,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Psychic Restaurants

Dustin's Christmas List 1998 (just in case):

One rear window (preferably in one piece)
Back stage passes to Shania Twain
A volleyball championship t-shirt (I'll get it somehow)
Advil and an active ankle set
A personal trainer
A personal physical therapist
A personal chiropractor
The girls volleyball team (if unattainable, any girl will suffice)
A front window about 1 1/2 inches longer than the one I have
Three mops (don't ask why)
8 maids a milking
My two front teeth
To be with my family (then to leave right after dinner, before the fighting starts)


Hey, if I had a party this Friday, who would come? Just curious, because I know a bunch of you are going home for break. But I also know that "home" is within walking distance from UMBC for a few of you. I'm just trying to see if it would be worth it. OK. I'm tired. Here's the chase:

CUT TO:

We were eating (we is about 10 or 12 of us after volleyball on Friday) at Double T Diner, and our waitress walked in with food before we even ordered. Now the food was for another table, but I thought it would be a great idea to hire psychics and have them run a restaurant. Before you even order, they come up to your table asking you "who ordered the vanilla malted milkshake?" or something like that. Well, I introduced this idea to the table, and Tony had some breaking news for me...


Quote Of the Day 12/14/98

"They do. It's called McDonalds."
-White Tony


"How'd they know I wanted a cheeseburger?"


Note: All Christmas presents can double as birthday presents in case you miss a deadline or get me something else more expensive or something.


Food, folks, and fun,
Mickey D.


Still Standing Right Here...

It's better to have loved and lost then...

Well, apparently, you guys haven't been getting the messages I haven't been sending. I blame Russ, Clinton, and the greed of the NBA.

Well, if you can think back to the last few quotes of the day, I've been complaining about my faulty window that doesn't roll all the way up. Actually, it doesn't really "roll" at all, but I've already gone over that. Well, I have found a solution to the window thing. Well, I'm defining the term "solution" very lightly here. I just recently had somebody smash the back driver side window of my car. Apparently, mine was one of five cars to have that happen to them that night around the loop. That's not the most fun thing to find when you go out to your car at 3:30 in the morning. They had opened my ashtray and there was trash all over the place, but nothing was missing, including my Billy Joel tape, which was still on my front passenger seat. I was almost offended. Anyway, so now I'm back to missing a window again. That'll teach me to leave my windows up. Thankfully, Mother Nature forgot to hit the "winter" button. It was 79 degrees earlier this week. At this rate, I'll be doing more golfing than skiing this winter. Strangely enough though, I'll probably still fall on my ass the same amount of times, either way.

Well, this week's quote is the result of last week's contest, the wittiest completion of the saying "It is better to have loved and lost, than..." Well, anyway, I must say that most of the entries were very bitter, which is right up my alley, and all entries involving Russ were ignored this time, though there were more than a bushel full of those. And though it may be better to have loved and lost than to have to use your hand seven times a day, Kevin, there are a few better entries. And whoever said it's better to have loved and lost than to not get laid in three months is spoiled to the point where I want to kick her in the nads. That's right!! I'll give her some nads, just so I can kick her in them too! Anyway, here is what the panel of judges (me) came up with as the best non-Russ related response:

"It's better to have loved and lost then... to have had the entire surface of your body vigorously scrubbed with a cheese grater while showering in lemon juice...barely."
-Dan the RA (Resident Alcoholic)


I think Dan does it wrong.


Loving and losing,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Another Uninteresting Story

This was weird. First a little background. I bought my car used from some family this summer. It's an 86 Oldsmobile, and I didn't exactly give it a full inspection before I bought it. The whole thing moved forward when I stepped on the gas, so I bought it for the $600 they asked me for. OK. So that's how I got my car. This was August. Sometime two weeks ago, after listening to the radio for every single second that I was in my car, I was singing along to whatever song was on the radio (probably very loudly and off-key, but that's not very important), and out of nowhere the front left speaker came on. I've had the car for a little over three months and I've heard absolutely nothing come out of that speaker ever. Then all of a sudden, it's blaring full blast out of that speaker. It was cool. I jammed to the stereo sound that I didn't have before all my way to work (which was only another 5 or 10 minutes), and got out of the car feeling all cool. I went throughout my day and enough time had passed and enough stuff had happened that made me forget about the speaker earlier that morning. I turned the car on and drove home without the help of the front left speaker. In fact it didn't even dawn on me that it wasn't working for another few days until the same song came on. Ya know, I just now realized how incredibly uninteresting this story is, so I'm going to end it now.

Hey, this is the last quote before the results to the "It's better to have loved and lost..." one comes out. So if you want to have your entry be a potential quote of the day, you'd better get it to me soon. OK. This quote is pretty self-explanatory. My friend was over my house and we were standing around talking to my dad, who had a cigarette behind his back and smoke rising from above his shoulder...


Quote Of the Day 11/11/98

"Do you have a cigarette behind your back? It's either that, or you're on fire."
-Mike "Lover2Russ@aol.com " Conover


Mom poured cold water on him just in case.


Still the one,
Shania Twain (Dustin).


Still Standing Right Here...

Stuck Shut

You guys ever hear of the phrase "leave well enough alone?" Well, those words go in one side of my brain and out the other. You guys remember my window, and how I did some mechanical manipulation to get it to get stuck in the up position instead of down? Well, I futzed with it. It was a nice day out, and I decided to see if some auto-fairy visited my car overnight, and thought maybe it was miraculously put together other than the way I had last left it. Well, it wasn't. I got curious and said "hey, I wonder what would happen if I tried to roll my window down now?" Well, first there was this release of tension and a loud bang accompanying it. Then the window flew straight down into the door. Being the quick guy that I am, and also having just prepared myself for this exact reaction, I was able to grab it before it went all the way down. Forty minutes and a phillips head screwdriver later, it was stuck in the up position. Sort of. Now I have the window permanently opened about an inch. And if you wanted to break in, you could just sort of push it down. But I've decided not to try to futz with it. That's good enough for now.

I was really tired one day after work here at the office. As I was about to leave, Stryker asked me if I was going out that night. I told him I'd be thankful if I could just manage to stay awake on the drive home...


Quote Of the Day 11/11/98

"Well it's a shame you're window is stuck shut."
-Strike Force I


Bite me, Strike Force.


The other white meat,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Are You in Good Hands?

I forgot one other PRO of having my window stuck all the way down. My windows don't fog up as much. Except when they do, there's fog on both freakin sides of the window. That's annoying. And it took me about 5 minutes to figure it out the first time it happened. But I'm a pretty stupid guy.
Well, I decided to try to fix my car seeing as how it certainly doesn't look like it's going to be a miraculously warm winter. People told me that it would be easy if I just looked at it. But these people don't know just how mechanically incompetent I am. Well, one phillips head screwdriver and 10 minutes later, it was up again. Mind you, it was stuck in the up position, but it is up nonetheless. And all it takes to roll the thing down is a phillips head screwdriver and another 10 minutes. It's like the polar opposite of power windows.

Alright, here comes the quote because I'm tired and cranky and I want my bottle. I was talking to Brian Monroe, the setter for the men's volleyball club team, and Sherry something or other, the X-backup setter for the women's varsity volleyball team. Brian was suggesting that she play for the women's club team now that she's no longer eligible to play for the varsity team. She said that she'd need to work on her setting ability if she was going to set for the club team (important note: in volleyball, the term "good hands" means that you can set good), and she was asking Brian to be her coach. Brian said that he wasn't sure if he'd be the right guy for the job...


Quote Of the Day 11/10/98

Sherry: "Oh, you know I've always liked your hands."
Brian: (softly and to me)"Yeah, but she never lets me use them."


I wouldn't either.


Fortifying the ju-ju bee castle,
Gummi Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Pros and Cons of Having One's Window Stuck Down

I don't know if I told you guys this, but sometime in late September, I was rolling down my window, and it got stuck about halfway down. Well, being the intelligent, auto-knowledgeable guy, I figured that all I had to do to solve the problem was press harder. That's approximately when I heard the really loud metallic snapping noise. Then my window started to slowly sink down into the door. I grabbed it to try to stop it, then realized that I'd have to hold it open until somebody that knew more about cars than I did just happened to walk by. Seeing as how I doubted this was going to happen, I figured "ah, it's nice out. I'll just get it fixed sometime next week."

CUT TO:

November 9, 1998. It's been about a month and a half since the window has been up, and it's starting to really become a factor. I'm going to share a few of the pros and cons about having one's car window stuck down 24/7:

CONS:

The cold: This is the most obvious one, as I am constantly reminded every time I get in the damn thing. I have to actually wear extra heavy clothing to prepare to ride in my car. And I've started supplying blankets, parkas, and ear muffs for any unfortunate passengers. Sure their window goes up, but it doesn't negate the fact that the entire other half of the car is exposed to the freezing cold Novemberness of the air. And that reminds me of another thing...

Dates: It's one thing to tell one of my good friends to suck it up and bring a scarf and mittens or something, but it becomes a problem if I want to try to ask a pretty girl that I don't know all too well. "Hey, baby. How bout we goze ridin in my big blue tank o looooove? Oh, and make sure to dress warmly, if ya know what I mean *wink*." I'm having enough problems as it is, I don't need a faulty crank to count against me (don't even think what you're thinking).

Rain: Not only do I not have a driver's side windshield wiper, but I have an absentee window now too. And it's still down there! I can hear it rattle every time I shut the door, or go over a bump, or shift. It's in there teasing me, having a grand ole time. Anyway, rain sucks. I have to lean all the way over toward the middle of the car just to see, and then I've got to put a towel over my left side (a towel is now a standard feature in my car) to keep from getting drenched. I also try not to make right turns when not absolutely necessary. And parking is a key issue. If I park it in the wide open, I'll come back and have to get out my reserve towel just to slightly slow down the migration of the water from the seat through my shorts, through my underwear, to my bare ass. My cold bare ass, I might care to add, also. So I park in a garage whenever possible (at Bennigans), and under trees, if a garage doesn't happen to be around and the time. This, however, introduces a problem you might not think of off the top of your head...

Autumn: Autumn has one major characteristic that distinguishes it from most of the other seasons. This characteristic is actually how it got it's nickname, "fall." This characteristic is that leaves change color and fall off the trees that they had once thrived upon. I get in my car each morning with about half of a maple tree waiting for me. I've started collecting the leaves in hope to someday make my own tree in my trunk. I used to brush them outside, but the following morning, I realized just how little that helps the overall aesthetics of the car.

Safety: Thank goodness my car is a piece of shit to begin with. If it had any redeeming qualities at all, somebody would have definitely stolen it by now. And when most people leave their possessions in the passenger seat, or back seat of the car if they have them there, I take them out and throw them in the trunk. It's a pain in the ass, but you kinda get used to it. I think the funniest thing is the accumulation of police safety warnings that I've been getting. After the first two weeks, I think they gave up.

Dirt: Well, since I have no window, I can't really go through a car wash, can I? Well, I suppose it's possible, but the implications of that kinda turn me off. And seeing as how the alternative to needing to reupholster the entire interior is just having a dirty f*cking car, I'll live with the dirt. Actually, I've gotten in the habit of taking those windshield wiper things at gas stations and going over the entire exterior. It turns out that not only does this not work, but it is counterproductive to the cleanliness of the vehicle. I don't know if any of you have tried to use windex on cold metal before, but it streaks like a drunk Ryan McMullin. So now my car has that icky soap residue in non-parallel streaks all over the hood, and the roof, and everywhere else.

Self-image: I was driving down the road and looked out the window and saw a carful of cute girls staring at me. I thought I was the man, so I waved at them. They proceeded to laugh and sped up to never be seen again. It was then that I remembered that I was driving with the window down in 40 degree weather and wearing a pink knit hat and a scarf. Man, I wish I had that minute back.

PROS:

I can never lock my keys in my car.

My window is already down at the drive-thru.


Well, those are just about all the pros and cons I can think of off hand for the past month and a half of windowless driving. Now I'm too tired to think of the car-related quote I was originally going to do, but here's a better one anyway. It's about cursing in front of one's parents...


Quote Of the Day 11/9/98

"My parents let me say anything in front of them except the f word. The only time I ever said 'fuck,' my mom hit me. Probably because I said 'fuck you.'"
-Julie "Potty Mouth" Cole


Things we've learned today:
1) If you're window gets stuck halfway down, don't force the damn thing.
2) Don't tell Julie's mom to fuck off.
3) Ryan McMullin takes off his clothes when he drinks.


Buying stock in ear muffs,
Freezing Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Too Many Cooks...

Hey everybody. I'm going to take the first part of this message to tell you all that Jason and I are having a party at our apartment tomorrow (Friday) night. Alcohol will be permitted, encouraged, and given out for free with the donation of a little money. And there is also a maximum ratio of Jessup people to normal people at 1 to 4. So for every person Joe brings (girls not included in this scenario), there must be 4 normal people. Joe is considered a Jessupian and Russ isn't. If the ratio ever exceeds that number, I'm afraid some Jessup guys are gonna have to leave. Also, there is a hard limit of 12 Jessup creatures.

OK, here are the directions:

695 North toward Towson from UMBC
40 West (it's the second exit. The one toward Ellicott City)
Keep going.
Lots of lights.
Double T on the right.
A Pizza Hut on the left.
Patapsco State Park.
You'll go down and up a big hill.
Then you'll go down and up a small hill.
Last, you'll go down and up a medium hill.
You leave Patapsco State Park and start seeing stuff other than trees and that scary median divider thingy on the left.
There's a big sign that says "SIGNAL AHEAD" or something like that. It's the first signal after Patapsco State Park.
Make a right at the signal they are referring to.
You are going to go through a small shopping center.
At the bottom of the next hill, there's a light.
When you go through the light, you have entered Town & Country Apartments.
Make the third right (not the third reich).
Go down the hill and make the second left (the two lefts are directly in succession of each other. The first is a parking lot, the one you want is a road that winds around to the right.
Follow that road around and make the first right.
Park.
Our apartment complex is the one on the left when entering the parking lot that way. We are all the way on the left closest to the road you just came up on and on the basement floor.
8840 A, Town & Country Apartments - (410) 480-9439.
Got it?

We're probably going to start the little gig around 9 or so, but the real party gets started when I get back from volleyball practice at 10:30. There better be some cool non-Jessup people there when I get there. You don't have to wear a costume, but if you do, you have a better chance of looking like a complete social outcast. Hell, if you want, you could all raid my wardrobe and go as me. We should be OK, so long as nobody brings a black light. Well, I hope to see most of you there, and if you feel like bringing candy (or alcohol, or anything else), I'm not going to stop you. Unless it's Jessup candy.


Quote Of the Day 10/23/98

"Too many cooks spoil the brothel."
-Unkie Raj


There were a few better entries this time. The runner-up this week comes all the way from California, when Raysin Gyrl wrote in "Too many cooks, too little pot." That one especially hits home because I happen to know what the cooks at Bennigans do in the walk-in. But I had to side with any entry creatively and correctly using the word "brothel." But would they really spoil it? I think they might liven it up. Especially if they brought those long-ass spatulas. Oh well, here's something to think about for next week...

"It is better to have loved and lost..."

This one should be pretty good. And try to be tactful out there. Actually, screw tact. Tact doesn't sell. Get funky.

See you on the flip side,
The Extendinator.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Underachieving Soda

I'm sorry if that last message seemed a bit abrasive. I had just swallowed a lot of sandpaper before I sent it. Seriously, I'm going to send out this message and the next message that I send will be the "too many cooks..." best quote result thingy. So you have about 24 hours after this is sent to come up with a decent response. And because I'm that tired, I'm gonna get to the quote.

Have any of you seen the new Pepsi product? It's called Pepsi One. It's not quite diet pepsi, but I have no idea what the difference is. The thing about One is that it has only one calorie. It tastes basically like somebody had taken sweet and low and dropped it into a bunch of seltzer water. Anyway, we got 8 cases of it for free at work in the Recreation Dept. Jeff took a can out of the refrigerator that we have there, looked at it, then looked at me, and...


Quote Of the Day 10/22/98

"Why couldn't they get that last damn calorie out?"
-Jeff


The cool thing about working with Jeff is that he is slowly insulting all of my friends one by one.


Still the One,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Common Complaints and How They Can Be Easily Dispelled

1) There's nothing to do here.

Guess what? There's nothing to do anywhere. Unless you live in LA or New York, in which case, you have no right to ever complain about the lack of stuff to do. Looks like you're going to have to make your own fun instead of sitting on your ass and complaining about it, you lazy piece of crap.

2) Nobody knows how to drive except me.

Guess what? Neither do you. No matter what you might think, you don't know how to drive either. In fact, I'm the only person who knows how to drive out there. So be sure to get out of my fucking way next time, OK?

3) I have the worst luck.

I know a guy who got his penis stuck in a toilet paper dispenser at a McDonalds and had to get the fire rescue squad to torch him out. He has the worst luck. You can all get over yourselves.

4) This food tastes like shit.

You're right. Don't eat it. Die. I don't give a shit. Just don't tell me about it. Especially if it's free. In fact, how about instead, you suck it up and just grin and bear it like a real man, you pansy-food-eating, tender-stomached shell of a man.

5) You suck.

Fuck off.


Quote Of the Day 10/21/98

"That's what I meant. Are you deaf?"
-Dad-Dad-Daddio



Think about it. It's funny. If you didn't laugh yet, you either didn't think about it hard enough or you're too stupid anyway. Give up.


Wiping dirt off a surface,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Dark Noon

Time to set your clocks back again. Do you guys know what that means? It means that all the powers of "Hour Man" are null as of 2:00 tonight. That's right. All the super powers I got from avoiding the evil Daylight Savings Ghoul of Darkness last year have become obsolete again.
Oh well.
Speaking of time, here's a little quote based on the lateness of the hour and applies to or has applied to most college students at one point in time or another. I was hanging out with Mike (Evil Beer Mike, for those of you who were on the cruise) one night at Pizzeria Unos after he had been up all night studying for an exam he took at 9 in the morning. He then proceeded to take a nap from 11 to 3 or something, and then went to class again, then went out with me after that was all over. Point is that it was a very discombobulating day. Well, around midnight, Mike was starting to lose it. Not necessarily consciousness, but he was to that point where stuff he said was no longer relevant, grammatically correct, or in English. Well, he had a watch on and I didn't, so I had to ask him what time it was. Normally not a hard question, but that night...


Quote Of the Day 10/20/98

"Noon... I mean, not noon... the other one... The dark noon."
-Evil Beer Mike


I don't want none unless you got buns hun,
Sir Mix-Just-Barely-Enough.


Still Standing Right Here...

Chris Meawad, the Steve Guttenberg of the QOTD

Well, it's been a while, I know, but the contest is still on. I'm still getting a few entries, but I hope you've just been putting it off because you knew I wouldn't get around to it for a while. Well, here I come, large as life, and I've got some catching up to do. But I just wanted to tell you guys out there who are stressing out over this contest because you can't think of any good responses to chill out. It's OK if you can't think of any good responses. It doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't funny anymore. So don't panic. And you especially shouldn't take out your aggression and frustrations on me or my little contest...


Quote Of the Day 10/19/98

"FUCK THE QUOTE OF THE DAY, FUCK EVERY ONE OF THOSE DAMN COOKS, AND FUCK DUSTIN!!!!!"
-Chris "Ye of the little brain" Meawad


It's OK not to be funny Chris. Hell, look how far Steve Guttenberg got.



Breathing heavy for the fun of it,
Dusty-Poo.


Still Standing Right Here...

You Can Lead a Horse to Water, but...

I'm really sorry that quote of the day doesn't quite come very "daily" anymore. These 50 and 60 hour weeks are starting to kill me. Not that work is all that hard, but it's still there. And after the 3 hours that I spend downloading porn every night, I can barely find the energy to hurl myself onto the bed, let alone try to think of something witty that I have already written down. That's how sad my life has become. But at least now I have money to do stuff. I just have no stuff to do. Or at least no time to do it in. Help.
And here's another thing. I just realized that I don't know how to be 23. My idea of a fun night out is Ping Pong and Taboo. I'd ask a girl out, but I have no idea what to ask to do. "Hey baby. Wanna go play a little Scattergories, eh? We can make up our OWN categories, if ya know what I mean. *wink wink*" Well, all suggestions are welcome. And by the way, if anybody wants to play Taboo this weekend, let me know.

OK. Here's the moment you've all been waiting for. The winner of the whatever the hell I called it last week. Well, I got a few that I had considered, but the one that made me laugh the most was actually entered by Russ, ass hole that he is...


Quote Of the Day 10/9/98

"You can lead a horse to water but nothing good can come from having your scrotum removed."
-Toys-A-Russ


There were quite a few pretty good entries. I personally liked Greg Reagle's (don't worry, none of you know him) "you can lead a horse to water, and you can lead him away from water too" but it cheated a little bit. And it's a little dryer than my quote crowd is accustomed to. And one that I thought of is "you can lead a horse to water, but why?" But anything involving the ripping off of Russ' scrotum is gonna win 10 times out of 9. Well, I'll try to give you guys a better one for the next contest I have. In fact, here's some candy for you to chew on:

"Too many cooks..."

You guys have until I do next this Friday's quote, which won't be before Sunday night, I can almost guarantee. I hope this one is easier to work with. Have fun. I'm going to bed for a few hours now.


A perpetual sleep deprivation experiment,
Sleepy D and the Sandmen of Shock.

Dunchfest

Hey everybody. It's me again. Life has now taken me by the nuts and swung me around like Arnold did with that club in Conan. By the way, is anybody else out there picturing Arnold dressed up as a viking swinging me around by my nuts over his head? If not, you are now. OK. I'm gonna make this one really short so I can crank out the quote you all want to see next.
First of all, there are a few new freshmen out there that haven't gotten all of my years of wisdom in yet. Well, here's a word that you may find to be very important on those days when you have class (and flag football games) all day long. It's "dunchfest." When you are busy all day and only have time to eat one meal, this is what you call that meal: "Dunchfest." I'm sure you guys (even the stupid ones out there) can figure out what three words that derived from. I'll give you another vocabulary lesson later, but for now, I have the...


Quote Of the Day 10/8/98

"Bye Mike. I'm going out to brunch. Actually, it's a late brunch. It's more like a ... well ..., lunch."


It's sad that lunch is now defined as a late brunch.


Not the man,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Russ, Perpetual Exception

Well, it seems as though my car isn't the only thing falling apart. I messed up my knee. This is actually a new injury for me. It was kind of exciting. I couldn't walk or anything. I figured I'd be out for at least a month, but I seemed to be pretty good at our football game Friday. Turns out I'm just a wus.
And that reminds me, I'm going to let you guys have another 24 hours to come up with a good response for two reasons. 1), I'm not head over heals crazy about the entries I've gotten so far, and 2), I can go to sleep right after this one. Upon retrospect, maybe I chose a bad one to start with, but help me out. And I claim everyone exempt from the multiple entry restriction. Except Russ. As always. Russ is just perpetual exception to every rule.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
############################## WARNING: #############################
#######THIS JOKE WILL ONLY BE FUNNY TO A SELECT GROUP OF PEOPLE######
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I was at work (the one where I just hang out at the rec office or ref flag football), and I walked out of the office onto the indoor track. Jeff (my pseudo-boss) was standing there watching our basketball team at a practice scrimmage. Timmy passed it behind his back to a cutting Kennedy who did a reverse layup with two guys on him. Without saying another word to me, Jeff turned and said...


Quote Of the Day 10/7/98

"Yeah, I think Russ could make the team."
-Jeff, boss and fellow mocker of Russ


I don't even think they would pay Russ to do their laundry.
(Obscure reference)


Looking like a true survivor,
Feeling like a little kid,
Extendo.


I'm Still Standing...

Things Confucius Didn't Say

Well guys, I came up with this idea that's going to revolutionize the quote of the day. It's going to make the quote more fun and challenging, and at the same time, it's going to make my job a little easier. From now on, every Friday's quote is going to be the result of a contest. The contest is going to be introduced in Monday's quote (after this week, of course), and you guys will have until midnight on Friday to respond. This way, you guys that don't hang out with me as much as Russ, Joe, and Tony will have a chance to make it to the quote of the day. Show off your wit, damnit! I'm losing it in my old age. I think I've been too funny in past years. I've run out of material. I'm starting to get cramps in my funny bone.
Anyway, here's the contest: I'm going to call it "Things Confucius Didn't Say" purely because the only other name I can think of right now is "Finish the Saying." And though that is very descriptive, it's just not funny at all. OK. I'm going to start a saying, and you guys have to mail me back with your completed version of the saying. And please respond only to me, and only once. If you enter something and then come up with a really good one later in the week or something, I'll let you slide once or twice, but don't barrage me with entries or you're disqualified. OK. Now the key is to finish this saying with something clever, not the correct one. That's stupid. Well, here's what you have to work with this week:

"You can lead a horse to water, but..."

OK. Finish that saying and mail them back to me at this address by Friday at midnight. Actually, I'll give you until Sunday at midnight this week, since I came up with this kinda late. And just for future reference, you can enter "You can lead a horse to water, but Dustin has sex with small children," but it's not going to win. Good luck.


Quote Of the Day 10/6/98

(Two friends from Bennigans)

Tom (about Kentucky): "Yep. Nothing to do there but get pregnant."
Becca: "Hey! Watch it! I'm from the south."
Tom: "Sorry... Drink and get pregnant."


Well, there's always cow tipping. And they don't even need to get 15%.


Confucius of the 90s,
Mr. Whistlehead.


You can lead a horse to water, but...

Window Issues

Well, I'm coming out of hibernation again not because I feel the need to make you all laugh or know I'm alive or anything, but I'm asking a favor. Anybody out there know how to fix a car? See, here's what I did: Let's first start with the fact that the car is basically garbage. It's only glaring positive characteristic is that it gets me to and from places faster than I could get there on foot. Well, now the window is stuck inside the door. I was rolling it down and it got stuck somewhere between all the way up and all the way down. I tried to force the handle, whereupon this very loud, metallic snapping sound occurred. The window then proceeded to slowly sink. I suppose I could have stopped it from going all the way down, but why? So if anybody knows how to fix that, I could use your help. Also, I was just reminded of something that happened about a month ago. A friend of mine and I were coming up from George Mason in the rain, and I looked at my windshield wiper on the driver's side and said to her something like "that windshield wiper isn't doing a damn thing." Within a minute, it leaped off the car onto 95. Then it REALLY didn't do anything. Well, I assume it didn't do anything after that.
So now when it rains, I have to put a towel over the left side of my body and lean all the way to the right to be able to see anything. I mean it's hard enough to drive with my poor eyesight, but I also can't see very well. And on top of all that, my vision is very bad. So when it rains, it's a virtual guess at which way the road bends next. That's my defense in court next month.

Well, let's take a quote from that weekend down at George Mason. Jessica and I were visiting her sister and her boyfriend. Jess and her sister, Tricia, are from North Dakota (only slightly above Kansas on the excitement scale), and were talking about country singers and stuff. They were saying how they were attracted to a guy with a pickup truck and a big belt buckle. Well, Tricia's boyfriend, Gucci Guy that he is, made a tiny little box with his fingers where his crotch is, and said...


Quote Of the Day 10/5/98

"Sorry, but that's as big as mine gets."
-Some guy you'll never meet


Believe me, Tricia looked VERY sorry.


Wet and swerving all over the place,
Fathead.


Still Standing Right Here...

About Me

You guys may not know a few things about me, so I'll let you in on a few secrets. Please prepare yourselves for this.

I have 7 times the amount of white blood cells as the average human being. Viruses run fleeing from my body like grade school children out of a blazing freak forest fire. I suck the moss from rocks to get energy. My middle name starts with every letter in the word "fortress." Popes and sheiks bow down to watch me play tether ball. They all know I'm the best.
I play tiddly winks, but not for fun. Nobody does. If anybody says they do, they lie. Three fingers on my left hand are said to be above average. The other three are still growing. I singlehandedly replaced the air in my tires without a pump. My crank shaft is longer than most, but it needs a lube job badly.
Five people have honestly called me their hero. Of those, four  called in sick to work last Thursday. I was raised in a breadbasket for 14 years. Glue does not stick to me.
I can make any kind of food I want appear just by thinking about it. But only I can see it. I can turn water into ice in only 17 seconds.
Appetizers cost 20% less when I buy them. I have seven fingers on my left hand.
I sleep for only 65 hours a month, and I do it all at once on the third Sunday. And Monday. And Tuesday. I can dance and do calculus at the same time. Ducks have no idea what I'm doing.
I slept in the same bed as my grandfather once. He woke up that morning and ran a marathon by accident. I had a brother six years ago, but nobody liked him, so he left. I know the secret to Bowser's Castle.
All colors look equally good on me.
Fruit tastes better in my presence and skiers can go uphill once they have seen my instructional video. My name doesn't mean anything in twenty-three different languages. I turn women straight and men gay. And I can make a bomb from the lint that falls out of the dryer.


Quote Of the Day 9/24/98

"I'm not getting more drunk. I'm just getting more kidding."
-Yours truly, me


I have a birthmark in the shape of Gerald Ford on my ass.


Not the man,
Al.


I never sit down. I sleep on one leg.

The Little Things

Hey, I'm going to be insane and actually try and catch up. Well, it seems as though that last quote flew over everybody's head. Or maybe I just didn't tell it well enough. I did remember to mention the duck, didn't I? Anyway, the race is just about over anyway. McGwire hit 70, and Sosa only has one extra game to knock 6 homers. I got my money on Big Mac if anybody wants to bet.
Hey. This is sort of exciting if you're me. I forgot how much I hate assholes. I carded this guy the other night who was trying to buy alcohol. He didn't have his ID, but claimed to be 29. I told him that it was cool that he was 29 and all, but I still couldn't get him alcohol. So his girlfriend "changes her mind" and gets a Long Island Ice Tea, which he proceeds to drink right in front of me. Well, I got my manager to talk to him, and the following time I went out to his table, he was very visibly upset. He started cursing at me and threatened to kick my ass in the parking lot later. So I gave him a red card and kicked him out of the restaurant.

Well, that wasn't the real ending, but the real ending is slightly more boring, so that will suffice. This quote came from that lovely place I call work (Bennigans, I don't really consider that stuff I do at UMBC work). One of the waitresses is dating one of the waiters there, and apparently, they are going on a few years together now. Well, she was sorta weeded (busy) one day and came back into the wait station, where there were four guys all standing around and talking about Mark McGwire. She asked her boyfriend to make her an ice tea while she got some A1 or Corn Chowder or something. So he did, and she picked it up on the way back and said something like "Thanks, honey. You're such a dear. It's the little things that please me." He says "that's why I'm here," and then turns around with a defeated look on his face and waits until she leaves to say...


Quote Of the Day 9/23/98

"It's not THAT little."
-Some guy they call Batman.



We all took his word for it, even though mine's probably bigger.


Waxing on and off,
The Riddler.


Still Standing Right Here...

Musac and the Home Run Race

Well, I liked the musac that they had at Bennigans at first. In fact, i was excited. I was like "Wow, Bruce Hornsby, Billy Joel, Paul Simon... this stuff is pretty cool!" But now I hate that shit!!! I go home with at least three songs stuck in my head. And they're perpetually stuck there too because I hear them four or five times every other day, for crying out loud!!! I hate the Hooch. I don't have it. I don't want it... Hell, I don't even know what the hell it is!! Jose, the fry cook used to have it, but he took some penicillin and it went away. And I've heard You Can Call Me Al so many times now, I'm starting to think that I actually wrote it. And what's worse are the songs that I hate. I no longer believe that they put a man on the moon just to spite Michael Stipe. And I've started seriously talking back to the speakers. Loudly, and violently, and in front of my customers. I think I'm getting fired soon.

Well, this conversation was between my roommate and I. We actually saw each other at home for the first time in almost two weeks. I got home at 2:00, and to my surprise he was there and awake. I said "Hey. I'm home early." And he said "Yeah. I'm up late." OR something like that. Anyway, we were watching the news (it was 2:00 and we have only 3 channels), and the biggest news story (well, second biggest I guess), came on. We got to talking about it and here are our thoughts on the race...


Quote Of the Day 9/22/98

"Yeah. They're like tied, and everybody is like 'Wow!... ... Mark McGwire has 65 home runs!'"
-In like Flynn


OK, so maybe it's not exactly fall-down belly laughter, but it's kind of introspectively funny. OK, well maybe it's not even interesting at all. I don't care. I already typed it. I'm tired, and I'm going to bed. Laugh or go to hell.


Don't ever call me Al,
Al.


Still Standing Right Here...

Certified Drunk

Hello all. I can tell you are in dire need of a quote of the day. The mailing list has turned into some sort of computer virus chat group for the internet nerds on the list. I'm surprised Russ hasn't chimed in yet. Actually, I admire you computer geeks out there. Especially if you can get paid for it like Weed (Steve). Hell, I'd be one too, if I wasn't so busy being a real man. Which also has me wondering where Proz was during this whole discussion. If anybody isn't a man, it's him.

Well, I gotta quote and run again, seeing as how I work two part-time jobs, totaling over 60 hours of work a week. Well, half of it really can't be called "work," per say. I mean, I play soccer and ref flag football and stuff. Not very stressful. But I do it. Anyway, for those of you who don't know, I am now a certified drunk. This past Friday marks my third time ever. And it was weird. I didn't have a hangover. I think I actually, woke up still drunk. Apparently, that isn't as uncommon as I thought it was at first. I was sober enough to still whoop some Good Joe ass at tennis, though, let me tell you! But I think Joe put it best the following day when he wrote me back. He's been my friend for about 6 or 7 years now, and has hung out with me more than anyone on this list, but has never seen me drunk until that night...


Quote Of the Day 9/21/98

"It was really weird to see you like that... drunk, on top of being Dustin already."
-Good Joe


In other words, I'm drunker sober than a normal drunk is... Whatever.



Au reservoir,
Monsier Doostan.


le Still Standing Right Here...

How We Do Scattergories

Well, if you tried to send anything to my AOL account since yesterday, you probably noticed that it isn't working. Apparently they don't like it when you don't pay them. Or something like that. At any rate, they're bastards.
Well, I started my new job at the Rec department and if anybody ever needs a windbreaker, I have about seventeen. However, somewhere in all the intramural packets and the recreation schedules, you'll probably be able to piece together the fingerprints that have since disappeared from my fingers. I suppose I should take this rare opportunity to rob a bank. Anybody got some pantyhose and C-22? I'd even settle for a garter belt and a sparkler.

OK. I'm dead tired and I no longer have the luxury of doing e-mail at home so I have to do to after work when I can no longer see straight. Hell, I can't even think of anything funny anybody said. Ever. Lemme see. Tony and Mike were in the same room for a few hours. Somebody probably said something funny then, I'm sure. We were even playing Scattergories. Except instead of going with their categories like "things that are black" and "a boy's name," we decided to make up our own categories like "excuses to get out of a date" and "dumb animals with a sufficient explanation." And instead of using the two minute timer, we set a clock for about 6 minutes or so. Well, I remember "L" as being a pretty funny letter. OK. I got one. One of the categories was "crappy jobs" and I thought my "Lake Salesman" was pretty good, but I think Tony had an even worse job. Or at least a more pointless one...


Quote Of the Day 8/25/98

"Lithuanian Ambassador To Madagascar"



Yeah, well I'll bet HE can't sell a lake.



Nobody's favorite misunderstood hero,
Mr. Cantaloupe.


Still Standing Right Here...

Kinda Gay

Well, I apologize about the lack of quotes last week, but I actually have pretty damn good excuses this time. Tuesday, I was getting a job. Wednesday, I was buying a car. Thursday, I was signing the lease for my apartment. And Friday, I was renting a U-Haul. Saturday, I was making Tony move all my stuff out and bring it down to Maryland. I guess I have no real good excuse for Monday. Sorry. It won't happen again (yes, it will). And I also won't be able to access this account for a while due to the fact that I don't have a phone yet. So If you want to write, I'll be available at my gl account (dfishe1@gl.umbc ) for the next week or so. Maybe I'll do a quote from there, but don't expect it (see, I told you).

Well, due to the fact that I have to leave in an hour, and part of leaving entails packing up this very computer on which I am typing (and playing tennis with Joe), I'm going to make this fairly short. On the trip, Kevin and I were sharing some of the songs that we had written with one another and critiquing them. Well, Mike felt a little left out, and frankly, a little less like a man than Kevin and I. And by the way, this one is real crass, so if you are offended by homosexuality, close your ears. Well anyway, Mike was talking about how he feels like he doesn't do anything cool because me and Kevin write music, so he was going to tell us about this gay thing he does where he writes down philosophy quotes and shit...

Quote Of the Day 8/16/98

Mike: "Well, there is this one thing I do, but it's kinda gay."
Kevin: "Mike. I got one question for you... Do you do it while kissing a guy?"
Mike: "What?"
Kevin: "Do you do it while kissing a guy?"
Mike: "No."
Kevin: "Well, then it's not gay."

Writing down philosophy quotes isn't too bad, Mike. At least you don't stay up until 5 in the morning on the internet looking for them. Oh, wait...


Offend and run,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

My First Frat Party

You know what guys? There is a significant difference between guys and girls. OK, there are several. And I imagine there are some even I don't know about yet. But here's one of them. Guys flirt because they like to be around a girl they find attractive. Girls flirt to send signals. Guys have no idea what those signals mean. Girls think guys are stupid. Guys are stupid. Girls are right. So knowing all this, wouldn't it just be easier if girls said what they meant? They really have no excuse for being pissed that guys aren't getting the point when they know we're stupid. Kids are stupid too. I don't try to reason with them. "Don't eat that pork, Jimmy. It's too red and probably raw, and it might give you a bad case of salmonella." Instead, I stoop to their level and just take it from them. I've learned that "Because I said so" is a valid argument. I'm usually nice about it and give them back at least one of their cupcakes.

Well, I didn't exactly bring that topic up for no reason, but that's not what I came here to talk about. For the first time ever this weekend, I went to a frat party. First of all, I really had nothing else to do, and second of all, I always wanted to see what one was like. Every party I ever went to in the apartments at college looked like the scene in the driver's ed video right before the crash. Well, this one was a bit more fun. I had spent two hours playing volleyball with a few guys, and when we were too tired to play, he invited me to go to this frat party. I went, and lo and behold, they had a volleyball net set up. Well, I can get along in any sort of social situation, provided volleyball is there as a catalyst. So I played for another 4 hours. It was kinda cool actually. The people there were all pretty nice. Even the guys standing in the little inflatable pool drinking with an inflatable penguin. And they want you to drink at frat parties. I went up to the host as I was leaving to thank him for letting me play volleyball at his house and he said something to the effect of "well, I'll thank you if you have a beer." So, all in all, it was a pretty cool time. Of course, if I didn't play volleyball, I don't know what I would have done. I guess I could have stood around and tried awkwardly to fit into a conversation with people I didn't know, but I just don't have the taste buds to get drunk. I no longer think it's such a moral conviction, I just hate the taste of the stuff. All beer tastes like ass. Don't let anybody tell you that one tastes like honey, because you'll drink it only to find out it tastes like ass honey. At any rate, I was standing on the volleyball court waiting for the next game to start, and this guy they called "Spanky" who was wearing a bra all night, came around in a rather drunk manor looking around and cursing to himself "Where the hell is it!?!" Being the good guest, I thought I'd try to help...

Quote Of the Day 6/20/98

Me: "What are you looking for?"
Frat Guy: "The fucking penguin!"

The funny thing was that he said it in a tone of voice like I was an idiot for not knowing he was looking for the penguin. And he was really distressed about the penguin's current unknown whereabouts. Only at a frat party...


Love, inflatable penguins, and bad flirting habits,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Professional Car School Advice

You know, I've finally figured out the secret to my car. It makes a lot of unnatural noises when you try to do certain things in it. Like accelerate. Well, the key to a smooth ride in my car, is to block out those sounds. I've found that turning the music up really loud helps a lot. And I've noticed that if you don't look at the driver's side mirror ever, you can hardly notice that it's falling off. I'm trying to apply this skill to other areas in my life as well. I once read an article that said that taking an aspirin daily with a shot of bourbon reduces a person's awareness of heart attacks. I wonder if this principle also works with dirty laundry. And student loans.

Well, thankfully, one of my best friends happens to be a Car major at GMI Institute (which in its written out form, is General Motor's Institute Institute). So I tell him all the problems I'm having with the car and he says some words I don't understand and I nod my head and go "ooooh, ok," and then we play tennis. Well, he was in the car and asked me if that light was always on. Apparently, there's this light on the car that says "Check Engine" that is just always on (I hope). I told him that it was always on, because I think it might be true, but mostly just because I didn't want him to panic. I asked him if he knew what that meant or how to fix it...


Quote Of the Day 6/18/98

Joe: Oh, yeah. You want to know what would fix that?
Me: Yeah, what?
Joe: A piece of electric tape (as in to cover the little light).


He goes away to Car School to tell me that. His mother must be proud.


Testing the boundaries of child abuse,
Mr. Whistlehead.


Still Standing Right Here...

Nothing But Rim: World's Worst Basketball Team

I don't know how this is going to turn out, so I apologize for whatever the hell happens to this. And I also apologize for the last few weeks. It turns out graduating isn't as easy as I thought. I only need to get six credits this semester and there's a chance I won't make it. But hell, I got a pink tassel, so the tough part is over.

In case you all didn't know, I made a film this semester called "Nothing But Rim: The World's Worst Basketball Team." It's the first in a series called "Mockumentaries" which is going to be on Comedy Central right after South Park in the year 2000. That's the plan. The next one is going to be about this guy named Prozboy who, in his 19 years on this earth, has never showered. That one is actually a lot closer to the truth than the basketball one.

Anyway, I was trying to take equipment out and the cage (place where all the equipment is) told me that I wasn't allowed to without permission from my professor. So I ran around like a banshee through a boardwalk trying to find him. I finally found him ten minutes before the cage closed, and asked him to write me a pass for the cage. He did and everything was cool. Well, I started to load up a whole lot of stuff onto a cart and wheeled it out to the elevator. I pushed the button and nothing happened. I asked somebody and apparently the thing had been broken all day. I just stood there feeling so defeated staring at the cart and then the stairs several times over again. My professor walked by and asked if everything went well with me getting my stuff. I told him that I got the stuff out but now the elevator wasn't working.


Quote of the Day 5/20/98

"Well, I could write you a pass for that too."
-Mark Street


I laughed at first, but I'll be darned if it didn't work!



Love, pink tassels, and mockumentaries,
Dustin Spielberg.


Still Standing Right Here...


p.s.- Sorry for all that crap down there.


_________________________________________________________
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An Italian Wedding

On Wed, 6 May 1998, Jacy A D'Aiutolo wrote:

> D-
> The trick to forks, spoons, knives, and glasses in a formal
> setting is to work from the outside in, one utensil at a time. You really
> can't go wrong that way.
> :-)
> -Jacy

Alright, Jacy! Then what about the fork that was sideways at the top of my plate? What do I do with that one, eh? Is that the one you use to stab your waiter when he laughs at you when you use the wrong one? Next time I have to go to some formal event, I'm just going to bring six sporks. That way, I can't go wrong.
The day after my banquet, I had to be back in PA for my uncle's wedding. So that was two days in a row that I ate good food. In case you've never had it before, fillet mignon, even though pronounced phonetically would sound really gross, is very good. No matter what fork/spork you decide to use. And they played Git Jiggy Wit It at the reception. I noticed a significant difference in dance styles from what I saw at the club Thursday night. A lot less grinding. But the amount of drunks on the dance floor was much the same.

Well, I was dressed up in a nice suit for the second day in a row. Turns out I actually own a suit. I had no idea. Well, my sister was coming to pick me up and I'm smart enough to know that you're supposed to compliment everybody on their outfit, no matter what it looks like. My sister was wearing this fairly short skirt, and she looked really good in it. Anyway, I said something to the effect of "Nice skirt!" with some sort of voice inflection that implied that it was short. Well, to this, she says...

Quote Of the Day 5/1/98

"Yeah. They told me to wear something short so that Grandma wasn't the only one that looked like a slut."
-Char (my sis)



Grandma showed up with fish net stockings and a thong.


Buying sporks by the dozen,
Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Wrong Fork

To all who care, I attended our paraprofessional staff end of the year banquet this past Friday. It was relatively formal (I needed to borrow Tony's clothes) and there was a nice dinner prepared for us and stuff. Well, to make a long story short, Kristen won paraprofessional staff member of Patapsco and RA of the year, and I won the paraprofessional staff member of Potomac and Community Developer of the year. It was very cool, and very prestigious for both of us. I guess we know what hall breeds the coolest people for sure now! Anyway, everybody needs to console Kristen because she is insanely jealous of my award so if you see her on the streets, just say "I'm sorry." She'll know what you mean, and she'll appreciate it.

Well, the coolest part of the night was the dinner that we got. It was very good, and they had lots of glasses and forks that I didn't know what to do with. Anyway, I got some chicken and a salad and cheesecake, and lemon cake, and blah, blah, blah. I started eating and after like my second bite, I peaked at Heather and she was using a different kind of fork to eat her salad. Well, I found out I was using the wrong fork already...

Quote Of the Day 4/30/98

Me: "Damnit. I'm on my second bite and I already started using the wrong fork."
Hassan: "That's OK. I already ate my cake."


And I think he used the salad fork to do it too.


Love, the wrong fork, and made-up awards,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Accidentally De Niro and The Sourest Taboo

Hey guys. The coolest thing happened the other day. There's this group of about three or more people from the men's varsity soccer team that yell out of their window in Potomac every time they see me something like "Hey you pink-hatted faggot!" They're still pissed that I caught them drinking alcohol back in early September. Anyway, they're jerks and the only time I really hear from them is through an open window. Well, last Thursday, I was walking back from the Fieldhouse to my dorm and just as I passed a grouping of trees, I heard from a distance the words "Nice hat jerky!" or something like that. I looked down toward them, who happened to be walking toward me, and I stared for a while because I couldn't tell who it was. Well, I thought I recognized one of them as Evil Joe. So I jokingly said back to him "Are you talking to ME?" They said "What?", so again I said louder and more like De Niro "Are YOU talking to ME?" They began to stumble over their words and said "No, it was some other guy back there" pointing behind them and trying to be funny. It was then that I noticed that it was those three jerk-offs that always harass me on the way into Potomac. So, seeing this, I said "I didn't think so" and continued on my way. It was great. I stood up to those fuckers and they backed down. I mean it was an accident and everything, but it's still cool. So if you see Ryan Cuomo around campus, go up to him, mock him, and give him one hard, swift kick in the nuts for me.

The game of Taboo can be very fun, but also, very personal. Back in the beginning of the school year, there was a night where a bunch of us all started playing Taboo. I didn't know Russ or Aaron very well, and I was on their team. A lot of things went over my head, like when Russ would say "You have a clay one above the faucet on your sink in the powder room upstairs next to a statue of Elvis and the cantaloupe" I would really have no idea what to say. Well, it was Russ' turn again, and he started going and looking right at Aaron...

Quote Of the Day 4/29/98

Russ (to Aaron): "You're one! And I'm one!"
Me (to Russ): "Am I one?"
Russ (to me): "I don't know! Maybe!"


The word was "virgin." And man, did Aaron beat the snot out of Russ after the game.


The sourest taboo,
Spud. (pronounced spuh-day)


Still Standing Right Here...

Nice Sac

I was out playing a men's softball game the other day, and for those of you that don't know, if there's a guy on third, and less than two outs, and the batter hits the ball into the outfield and gets out, but the runner reaches home on the play, it's called a sacrifice fly. Now, I probably didn't need to tell more than about 10 people on the list that, but now you know. OK. So somebody's on third and Josh does just that. On his way back to the dugout, I says to him "Nice sac, Josh." Then I felt the need to clarify that I was referring to his recent hit, not his, well, sack. He still stayed kinda far away from me for the rest of the game.

This quote came during a volleyball game last year from a fellow fifth year RA. And this guy isn't even graduating yet, so I'm really jealous. But anyway... We were talking about our fellow intramural volleyball teams (he captains his team also), and he was telling me about this freshman that hadn't shown up to the first few games because he had class, but it turns out, he was really good. Well, here's this RA's take on that kind of player...

Quote Of the Day 4/28/98

"You don't be hittin' the ball that hard and be talkin' about classes and shit..."
-Hal (the other 23-year old RA)

When People Don't Believe You're Not Gay

OK. Here's the story in its necessary entirety: My freshman year, I was just learning how the whole "e-mail" thing worked. Hell, I didn't even know what a double-click was until I got to college. The most updated computer I have at home is a Commodore 64 and I'm not sure it responds to any command other than "load jumpmanjr,8,1." Anyway, I was subscribed to this massive e-mail list called "UM-list" which went to every recent graduate and faculty of my high school that had e-mail. We mostly talked about the Phillies and sent stupid forwards back and forth. Well, I was about to respond to an e-mail and had already started to type the message when I had to pee REALLY bad. John was in the room and I know he has this playful nature about him, and he's a pretty clever guy on top of that. So I told him to promise me that he wouldn't do anything, but I still didn't trust him. So I peed with the bathroom door open. I tried to peak around at him once to make sure he wasn't doing anything, but I peed all over the seat and the floor, so I had to really concentrate on the peeing thing for the next 30 seconds, and just hope he wouldn't do anything in that time. Well, I flushed, pulled up my shorts and ran back into the room to find John sitting in the same place he was when I peaked around the corner to see him. I figured he hadn't done anything, but when I checked the computer, I saw that I had just sent a message that I knew I didn't just send. So I looked at it, and sure enough, it was a message to everybody I ever knew from high school who had e-mail saying that I was gay. I quickly responded to the message telling everybody what had happened, but before I had got done typing, my track coach had already written me back telling me it was OK. That aggravated me even more. So I finished the message and sent it. The following day, I had gotten a message from my guidance counselor to the effect of, well, she thought my second message was sent because I regretted coming out in the first one. Anyway, I had to really prove to her that I liked girls, and John (ex-quote MVP and mega-putzoid) was going to pay. So I sent her those naked pictures I had of her daughter and me. That solved some problems but caused a few others.

Well, there it is. That's what happened my freshman year. John responded to the e-mail I sent about Joe saying something to the effect of "See, wasn't that fun?" And I have to admit that it was. And Joe, I have to compliment you on your retaliation. It was pretty funny. But my God! Take a freakin' English class or something. Or did you write that in some computer code you know, because I couldn't understand certain parts of that at all.

OK, this quote came from when we were playing this board game that Suzanne has called Gender Gap or something. Well, one of the questions was something about which bra would give women the most support? After everybody guessed, I said jokingly...

Quote Of the Day 4/27/98

Me: "I would think being naked would help."
Kathryn: "Being naked does nothing for you."
Desk Dude Ed: "It does something for me."


Ed being naked does surprisingly very little for me.


Don't marry for sex. You can rent it cheaper.
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Evil Joe is Gay Saga

> From Evil Joe's email account - to whom, I have no idea:

Guys, I really don't know how else to say this than to come straight out and say it, but I'm gay. That's all. I hope you still invite me to play soccer.

Love, mineral water, and limp wrists,
Evil Joe.


Still Standing Right Here...

---

> Again, from Evil Joe's email account:

hey guys, this is joe (evil joe). i just want to appoligize for the horrible scary that dustin just put everyone through(especially all you ladies out there). dustin went to my room and noticed that i was still loged in and decided to do something stupid. i'm going to let you guys in on a little fact that he tuned me in on a couple weeks ago. please don't anyone tell him that i told you because he is really emotional about it. dustin is actually a women. i think he sent that e-mail so everyone would be tuning in on me instead of him when he went worldwide about his being a women. again, i apologize for his actions, but you really should forgive him. it must be really hard pretending to be a guy for all this time.

peace, love, and soccer balls,

the polish prince



.....still kicking dustin's ass right here

---

> From my email account, to my normal QOTD email list:

OK guys. I'm sorry about that last message, but boy was the response really funny. If I offended anybody (other than Joe himself), I'm sorry. But you should have seen the people coming up to him the following day asking him about that message. He promised to kick me in the nuts for every person that came up to him today inquiring about his sexual orientation. It's up to six now. Oh, and by the way, I'm not really a woman. Actually, I'm not really a human. I'm a duck. I'm just really tall. And Joe isn't really gay, if you guys haven't caught on yet. But he does have a very small penis. At least that's what Russ told me.

This little thing we call "quote" came over Spring Break last month. Good Joe, Bad Mike, and Neutral Dustin were driving to somewhere I can't remember right now and they asked me about graduation. Or maybe they didn't, it's not important right now. Anyway, the following conversation ensued...

Quote Of the Day 4/24/98

Dustin: "I'm graduating May 26th... I think."
Mike: "You think the 26th, or you think you're graduating?"



Actually, I'm pretty sure it's the 26th.


Love, teeny weenies, and webbed-feet,
Extendo-duck.


Still Standing Right Here...

Things That Are Black

Well, I guess I'm only really calling it the quote of the "day" out of tradition now. But play along, won't you. It will be a lot less painless for all of us and it may possibly improve your backhand. I played volleyball today in a sort of non-competitive setting (no pun intended) for the first time in a long while. And by non-competitive, I mean these guys thought you got to take the serve over if it hit the net on the way over. And they weren't really proficient at anything, but they didn't even understand that you could use the "three hits per side" rule to your advantage. And on one particular play, the ball was up in the air somehow and right above my head. I was going to roll it over the net when some dude from the back row came up and jumped on me to hit the ball over. I gave him a funny, relatively disapproving look and he looked at me and said "It's OK." Like he wasn't mad at me or anything, thank God. Well, I'm glad he wasn't upset at me for getting in the way of his randomly flailing limbs. Well, anyway, the day as a whole reminded me of just how lucky I am to have two opposable thumbs. (Don't read into that any, it doesn't have any other meaning.)

This quote comes from the guy who just gave me a computer yesterday. I want each and every one of you to kiss Don on the lips or at least pinch his butt every time you see him from now on for putting a computer together for me out of his old parts. That reminds me, I got a new free yahoo e-mail account that I'll be able to use over the summer, so e-mail stuff to me on that account if you can, guys. And let me know if you'll be on e-mail over the summer too. Well, my address is ScreamingCricket@yahoo.com.  I can't freakin' believe Extendo was taken. What kind of a bastard has that name? Well, I'm going to mail him and find out. And if he doesn't have a cool answer to how he got the name, I'm going to mail dump him until his account gets closed on him. Then I'm going to steal his name, the prick. Oh, and also, Fathead was taken too! I can't believe there are people out there with names as stupid as mine. Well, anyway, we were playing Scattergories earlier last semester and Don was in the game. There are two subjects in a row on one of the category cards: "cars," and "things that are black." The letter was "L." We all read off what kind of car we had, Lamborghini, Lexus, Lincoln... and Don didn't say anything. We got to things that are black and Don said "limo." To this, Tony asks what he had down for cars...

Quote Of the Day 4/23/98

"Oddly enough, I couldn't think of any."
-Donald (not the duck)



That's OK Don. I couldn't think of a "country bordering the US" that started with "C."


Searching for the evil yahoo name bandit,
Good Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Worms and Asphyxia

Well, it's that time of the semester again. The time where I realize what is really important in my life and so other trivial things like quote of the day, my RA job, and schoolwork fall by the waist side as I try to conquer every intramural sport and get Extendo over Groucho in the top ten worm rankings before Joe takes his computer back home for the summer. And I only have a month to do it! Better get cracking. On a slight side note, a bunch of us went to King's Dominion yesterday and it was great! Better than Cats by a longshot! They strapped Tony, Joe and me into this bungee like hammock contraption and raised us 152 feet in the air and dropped us and let us swing around for a while. It was awesome! The funniest part was that Evil Joe, Mr. Testosterone, whining like a little 10-year-old schoolgirl the whole time. About 40 feet off the ground he tried to reach over and grab my pull switch. Everybody is allowed to call him a pansy now.

OK. This quote came when I was reading a few sex statistics that I had gotten over e-mail for a program I did last semester. I was reading them out loud to Tony, Russ and Suzanne. There was one statistic that said that over 500 Americans die every year from asphyxia (lack of oxygen to the brain), because they were trying to get a better orgasm. To this, Tony says...

Quote Of the Day 4/18&19/98

"OK, raise your hand if you still don't believe in natural selection."
-Tone-Def



Russ raised both of his hands.


Looking for the next best thing,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Hour Man

Hey everybody! Don't forget to set your clocks ahead. That’s right, you lose an hour of sleep tonight. Actually, you lose an hour of playing worms, more likely. And you should have actually set it back already. Last night at 2:00 AM. And I don't know if you guys have heard this, but this is the last year that we'll have to set our clocks ahead and back and stuff. The government is instead, going to make the sun rise half an hour later this July. Starting then, it will be re-regulated every week, and we'll hardly even notice after the first month. Of course, once the asteroid hits us, I imagine that we'll have to change our clocks by hand again, until they get things sorted out. The coolest thing happened actually when we were supposed to set our clocks ahead. I was working the desk from midnight until 4AM and first of all, it was only 3 hours. That was a kinda neat revelation. But even cooler than that, I found out that I get paid for the entire four hours of it. (I don't know why, that's just what they told me to write in the payroll.) So that hour in time existed for me, according to Residential Life. While everybody else either lost an hour of sleep, or work, or socializing during that missing hour, I lived it. That's right. I was the only person on the planet not affected by the time change. I lived an hour more than everyone else on Saturday. I am "HOUR MAN!"

OK. While I was working the desk, this girl called me up at about 12:30 to ask if today was the day we set our clocks forward. To this, in my new stage of hour man bliss, I answered, "Yep, officially, at 2:00, we're supposed to set them ahead to 3." Now I swear to God she actually answered this...


Quote Of the Day 4/3/98

"Well, what if I'm not awake at two?"
-Some smart-challenged girl


I had to resist the urge to say everything I wanted on the grounds that I would have possibly gotten fired. "Sorry, then you'll just have to be an hour behind for the next six months."


An hour older, an hour dumber,
Hour Man.


Still Standing Right Here...

Actual Spring Break

Hi everybody. I'm back again after a small hiatus in PA. "Hiatus," at least the way I use it, means "week-long nap." And while I was away, as some of you may have noticed if you tried to send me anything, my quota exceeded the disk space again. I'm going to actually have to start deleting all that old mail I'm never going to have a chance to read again anyway. I don't know why I kept half that crap in the first place. Well, none of this is really any of your concern. Our little soccer team beat the Century Club last night. It's always fun shutting those cocky little bastards up. Except they were good sports about it last night. That pissed me off. I wanted to be pissed at them. Oh, well. I'll get over it. But I won't get over that shot that hit me right in the freakin' face. I don't know if you guys have ever seen an indoor soccer ball, but it's like a hardened, overgrown tennis ball. Well, picture one of those hitting you in the face at 60 mph. My nose will be itching for days. Oh well, I showed him. At least that's what I was thinking as I picked the fuzz from my nostrils.

Well, this quote came from Yelnick Lance Khannover when I went home for break. Him, Good Joe, and I were driving somewhere and he starts talking about our break and how late it is. He commutes to West Chester and had his break like two or three weeks ago. Joe goes to GMI Engineering School in Flint, Michigan, and hadn't even left to start his Spring semester yet, but he's different. Anyway, Mike was talking about me being home on break and he turns to me and says...

Quote Of the Day 4/2/98

"Your Spring Break is kinda late... It actually coincides with Spring."
-Mike "Kubla" Conover


And Joe's coincides with summer. The whole 3-day weekend of it.


Still surrounded by idiots,
Extendo.


P.S.- Yesterday (4/1) was Evil Joe's birthday, but you are allowed to hit him up until midnight tonight. So if you see him today, beat the everlivin' piss out of him for me. And everybody else he's ever pissed off.


Still Standing Right Here...

Ugly Mug

On Wed, 18 Mar, Good Joe wrote:

> It would appear that the last monster quote of the day took a lot out of
> ya big guy... I hope you're all right. Did you get a cramp, or are you
> just taking a breather?

Actually, I just sent that message yesterday. I don't know how you all got it last week. Stupid UMBC account.

Thank you all for your concern and I am OK, despite the wishes of several "save the whales" activists. And of course, Proznik. I've decided that sleep is a relatively important part of my life. Actually, indoor soccer started again. And wouldn't you know it, my first day back after my ankle injury and I busted my bursa sack. Apparently, our elbows and other joints come equipped with air bags, except they're filled with fluid (I guess they would be more like fluid bags). Well, I deployed mine last Wednesday and my elbow has been getting darker and bigger ever since. Somebody somewhere is laughing at me. And if it’s those damn whale people, I'm gonna be kicking somebody in the nuts, believe me you. And this time, it might not be Russ! Well, we here at UMBC will be leaving for Spring Break tomorrow, so I won't be checking my e-mail for a week or so. Which means of course, that I'll have to do some cleaning out of my mailbox when I get back, and that will take a trip up to ECS and a lot of time. I think I should get a special "quote of the day quota adjustment" of some sort. Oh well. Well, my point is that I definitely won't be doing any quote stuff for that week, but I plan on skipping all my classes next week until I'm caught up, damnit! Graduation be damned, I've got obligations! Well, anyway, have a good break everybody. You all owe me a big wet kiss when you get back.

Alright. This quote is going to be the greatest quote ever because it comes at the expense of Proz's looks, ugly bastard that he is. I heard that he might come up today, though I doubted, and I was telling Tony this. To this, he replied "Oh, what's he going to circle the parking lot this time?" (Proz has a habit of coming up here, an hour drive each way, and staying for 45 minutes) But that's not the quote. Tony went on to say how he actually saw Proz last time he was up here. And this is what he had to say about him...

Quote Of the Day 3/19/98

"He looked really bad. His hair was long in the back and it still looked like it used to on the top. He looked like a mixture between a country singer and a computer geek."
-Tone-Def


I can't legally write down on the internet what was said about his face.


Surrounded by idiots,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...