Frenemies

Frenemies

So we left Boone. There's only so much excitement one person can take before one decides that he needs to drive down Orlando and relax a little bit. So off we went. And we kept going. My mom asked where I went in Florida and I told her "Orlando, then Tallahassee, then
Jacksonville." She responded by asking me if I actually got out of the car. Actually, we didn't even think of that. That might have made for an even more fun time. Oh well. Maybe this summer.

So anyway, we drove all over the place and got on each other's nerves a few times. Actually, Meawad and Tony got on MY nerves. They had absolutely no problems with me. Well, anyway, we had just gotten back into Maryland and were dropping Chris off at his house after this stupid vacation. Julie, also known as ChickWad, asked Chris if after all that time together in the same car if we were still friends...

Quote Of the Day 3/31/99

"Actually, I never even really liked these guys in the first place."

-Wadzilla


Chris' sister and dad laughed, but Tony and I just sort of looked at each other and nodded.

Honorary wad of the week,

DorkWad.


Still Standing Right Here...

Funny Money II

Funny Money II

One interesting point of the trip we took was that we stayed in a different city with different people every night. From Sunday to Sunday, Tony stayed in a different city with different people for 8 nights in a row. That probably beats my record, if I actually kept one. WE did a lot of driving and not a lot of actual staying. I lost my hat, and when asked where I lost it, I said "Florida" because that's about as specific as I could get. Oh well. Maybe I'll go back to the pink ones.

Well, I'm gonna stay in Boone for this next quote in hopes that I'll never have to take you guys back here. Actually, this is a corollary quote to yesterdays. Chris went up to the ATM worrying that it was going to laugh at his puny little bank. He came back to the car excited and
with money. The following conversation ensued:

Quote Of the Day 3/30/99

Tanis: "So it didn't laugh at your bank?"
Tony: "Of course not. Nobody laughs at Chevy Chase. Did you see Fletch?"


I've always been more of a Steve Guttenburg fan myself.

Burning down the funny farm,

Tom Arnold.


Still Standing Right Here...

Funny Money

Funny Money

Sorry about the delay guys, but that last message gave me a hernia. That and I went on Spring Break. Me, Tony, and Meawad high tailed it outta Baltimore and made a B-line for sunny Florida. But we stopped in Boone, NC first, and as Drew, my Bennigans colleague put it, "why?" Well, in anticipation of having an excruciatingly exciting week, we figured that we'd begin by depleting our senses of all extraneous stimulation. And that's when we wound up bowling in Boone.

So anyway, since I've lived in the area for about 6 years now, I'm kinda numb to hearing it anymore, but for those of you who don't know, there's a city in MD called Chevy Chase. I don't know why, but there is. This is common knowledge to me and everybody in Maryland, but some
hick-type folk local to Boone have no idea of this city. Well, Tony, Wadzilla, and me were in Boone visiting a friend from home in PA who goes to school there, and Chris said that he needed to stop at an ATM to get money. He then grew concerned that he wouldn't be allowed to get money out because the ATM might have never heard of his bank. So Kevin asked him what his bank was called. After Chris told him, he responded...

Quote Of the Day 3/29/99

"You trust putting your money in a bank called... Chevy Chase Bank?"

-Boone Man, Come together with your ham.


And he got his lawyer from the law offices of Murray, Akroid, and Guttenburg INC.

Boone or bust,

Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Quote of the Day 4-Year Anniversary!!!

First of all, for the 50 or so of you who aren't veterans of the
Quote Of the Day Anniversary Edition, you might want to get in a more
comfortable chair than the one you're in. Cheez-Its and Juicy Juice is
also advisable. And if you need to be somewhere in the next 2 hours,
close this right now and get back to it later. Misti accidentally skipped
a class last year trying to read last year's message, and I don't want to
be held accountable for anybody accidentally skipping an exam and
accidentally failing a class, and accidentally not graduating on time all
because of the Quote Of the Day. That's not the kind of positive
atmosphere I'm trying to promote. Go to class. Or work. Or spring
break. I'll be here when you come back.

So here we are again. Another year, another 365 dollars. I know
I say it every year, but I never thought I'd be here FOUR YEARS after the
original Quote Of the Day back in 1995. Hell, I didn't even think I'd be
here last year at this time. Faced with the adversity of graduation,
coupled with the fact that I didn't know where I'd be at this time last
year. We can all thank Gary for getting me the job down here, Flynn for
finding an apartment, and especially Don for building me a computer for
free out of his old spare parts (and Proz for breaking it then fixing it
again). And I know a lot of you out there are new and don't know the
history of the Quote Of the Day, but it wasn't always this extravagant and
popular. It originally went to only 23 people, and the entire message
content was as simple as this:

************************************************************************

Subject: quote of the day 3/3



>From now on, I'm going to try to have a quote of the day. If it gets
annoying, tell me.
-Dustin.

March 3, 1995

"If I ever understand Beck, I'll kill myself."
-John Sears (Tonto Sleepyhead)

************************************************************************

It looked so plain and unassuming back then. I didn't realize it
would completely take over my life the way it did in the past four years.
I now have friends of people I don't even know in the first place
e-mailing me and asking me to get on the list. Do you guys have any idea
how flattering that is? People are lining up to listen to me bitch and
complain. The line is now 131 people long too. That's almost 6 times the
original number of subscribers. Not too bad for a self-employed,
non-government, non-paying occupation with no real advertisement. And the
quote has developed into so much more than just the quote in the past four
years. It has been a vessel for me to tell you guys of my latest sporting
ventures and the subsequent injuries I suffered from them. It has tracked
my exciting dating life for the past four years. As a matter of fact, it
has quoted four out of five of my ex-girlfriends, and the one it didn't
quote became a lesbian (I'm really not kidding either). I'm not implying
anything, I'll just let the facts speak for themselves. And most of all,
the quote has become a gold mine for my random bitching. The quote is the
reason no one will accept a ride from me anywhere in my car. It's almost
become a rant of the day with a little quote thing at the bottom just kind
of thrown in there and almost out of place at times. But it is, of
course, the driving factor in the quote of the day. Hell, without the
quote, ideas like Ben's "Sculptionary" may have never been common
knowledge. Sedge may not have ever found out that Michigan is in New
Jersey over the summer, Bennigans may still be without the two-sided
T-Bone steak, and thumbless chickens might not be running around Pizzeria
Unos screaming, unable to use tools.

A lot of sexual confessions have been made through the use of the
quote too. We found out just how bad Andrew wants Nipples, and SuperDave
admitted that he had only one ball. John refuses to fuck the fat guy,
Bijou found new things he could do with his penis, and Mike and his
friends play with their worms when they're on the phone with their
girlfriends. Apparently, my private parts have been the center of many
quotes also. Addie told everyone I have a small head, Laura thinks she
can go out with two guys because she has two hands, Misti had to tell
everybody around that she was going to whack off my Timmy, and apparently,
I was only just a wiener to Suzanne. And I'm not saving myself for
marriage, I'm saving myself for when it's not rape. But Mike thinks
that's pretty noble too. It's a shame I couldn't get that waitress to
hold my thingy. Also, my schedule has become so busy that I have to
schedule time for sex, and too many cooks, do indeed spoil the brothel.

Some startling discoveries have been made on the quote of the day
also. It seems that socks have sex in France, and Boone makes a triangle
with Charlotte and Raleigh (well that clears it up). Geoff is cranky at
11:30 because he's not a morning person and Mike's midnight is actually
just a darker noon. Utah doesn't subscribe to daylight savings time and
our Spring Break is kinda late. It actually coincides with Spring. My
mom makes me flounder for breakfast and a late brunch is actually more
like a...well, lunch. The quote was there when Tony found a flaw in his
problem, and he's not he's not sure what he's not sure what he did New
Years Eve. Laugh if you want to, but at least Billy's learned to think
before he thinks. And if a girl starts to shun you for absolutely no
reason, it's because she's all of a sudden acting like a typical woman,
but if she's nice to you, it's probably because she's plotting. And the
main reason Mike doesn't have a girlfriend is because he doesn't ask. But
don't whine to Andrew about it, he doesn't want to hear your Saab story.

I also try to make the quote a little informative as well as
entertaining for the six people on this list who are smart. (-:P John and
I have taught you guys how to get cold air into a room with a broken air
conditioner in the middle of winter, even though my dad can't make air.
Good Joe could show you how to fix a blinking light on a car with just a
small piece of electric tape, and my old film professor once wrote me a
pass for a broken elevator. Suzanne (formerly known as Girlfriend Five
Two and Three Quarters), Billy, Erick, and I could tell you how to get a
third overnight guest into Potomac with only a sleeping bag, a little
ingenuity, and an inattentive desk worker. I could show you how to make a
pair of socks out of a pair of larger socks, and Billy could show you how
to make a drawstring out of them (he's the smarter one). And it doesn't
matter how unmanly a task is, it's not considered "faggotty" unless you do
it while fucking a guy. If you don't know how to play rugby, it's kind of
a cross between soccer, football, and those ancient Greek games where they
used to just throw people out into an arena and watch them fight to the
death. And if you want to get my front driver's side speaker to work,
your best bet is to aim for a pothole. I've also gotten some important
counseling over the quote (also known as the not-not-quote). I worry too
much. Life's not that important. Especially mine. And one day, when
Mikey has a few weeks, he'll tell me. But right now, my volleyball
captain is trying to spark some team morale in me, so I have to shut up.

Well, it's time once again to find out who this year's quote of
the day MVP is going to be. This is the person who, in the past year, has
best exhibited his or her control over the English language by filling the
air with witty and/or sarcastic comments galore, or complete lack thereof
by sticking their foot in their mouth time and time again. The first two
crowns have gone to John (aka Tonto Sleepyhead) for his clever retorts
usually poking fun at himself, the art department (which inspires my dad
to clean up), you guys, or me. Laura and Billy put up quite a fight, but
their verbal blunders couldn't quite match John's mastery of degrading
euphemisms quote for quote. Last year's league leader was the guy you all
know as Good Tony (or White Tony, Tone-Def, Tone-Defecator 6...). His
combined wit and lack of a grasp of the English language coupled with the
fact that I hung out with him all last year was enough to get him a
complimentary tote bag. Who would it be this year? Was Mike's coast to
coast trip commentary enough to keep his summer lead even after I came
back to school to play intramurals with Tony full time? And what about
the random offensive utterances from Geoff in the "office" and my newly
rekindled relationship with Stryker? And we can never fully rule out the
father factor. The guy breast fed me until I was 6. We have a certain
bond. And he's gotten a lot wittier, or at least he's loosened up a lot
since he's given up all his aspirations of seeing me succeed in life.
Last chance to guess here folks... Well, the poles are in, and it was a
neck and neck race this year. Mike jumped out to an early lead, but Tony
began to come back little by little. And then he really started to kick
it in around the last month or so. But he came up just one quote short of
catching Mike in the end. Don't worry, we still like you. And you can
still get a job as the Lithuanian Ambassador to Madagascar if all else
falls through. But it's the year of the Mike (aka Evil Beer Mike, Yelnick
MacWawa, Ghengis Khanover, Lance Freelander, the free freelance
lancer...). Congratulations Mikey. I'd give you a tote bag, but I know
you already have a whole bag full of bags. Just nothing to put them in.
So anyway, Mike's off-white sense of humor nailed him 12 quotes on
the year, beating out Tony's 11 and breaking John's three year old record
of 9 in the QOTD's first year of existence. My dad and believe it or not,
Good Joe were in a dead heat for third with 6 apiece. Kevin's Kansas
exposition was enough to rope a fifth place brass medal, and Geoff,
Stryker, Russ and my mom were tied for sixth with 3 each. So what lesson
have we learned from all this? If we want to win the quote of the day MVP
for the fifth year anniversary, we have to take Dustin across the country
in a van. It all seems so simple now. And I guess I'll warn you all
ahead of time, but it looks like I'll be working with Geoff year round,
and quite possibly living with Tony and Meawad. So somebody's gonna have
to pull something out of their ass to beat one of those guys.
Even after two whole years on the DL, John still leads the
all-time quote race with 16. But this year, Tony moved up to tie him.
Mike is just behind them with 15 (Tony's little revenge), and selfish
bastard that I am, I quoted myself 13 times. But I don't count. In
fourth place on the all-time list is my dad with 10, and nipping on his
heels with 8 are Suzanne, Laura, Kevin, and Good Joe. Stuck behind those
four with 7 quotes to their names, are Billy, Katey, and Proznik (kind of
an interesting threesome). And that, as they say, is the last refuge of
the incompetent.

Usually, the quotes come from everyday life in the intramural
circuit, the Bennigans kitchen, the Dodge Ball battle field, or from a van
somewhere in Oklahoma. But my favorite part about the quote concept is
that I can really take them from wherever I want to. I have quoted 4 of
my old professors and 7 family members (I don't even talk to 7 family
members). I have quoted my own mother of course, but I have also quoted
three other friend's mothers. I got quotes from Billy Joel, Duke's
basketball coach, and Vice Admiral Hyman Rickover. I took a quote
straight out of a UMBC campus announcement, and another one straight out
of one of my art textbooks. And one of the cafeteria workers was quoted
telling his new intern or whatever that "you gotta be friendly and joke
around with the kids, you know, because the food tastes like shit." But
one of the funniest quotes I ever did set my ears on came only a month
after the quote's conception, back in April of 1995. It was debuted as
the quote of the month / year/ decade back then, and though I pummel it
into the ground every year about this time, it's still one of my
favorites:

************************************************************************

Quote Of the Year 1995-96

The Set-Up...

"Love is like hearts. You want to follow suit, but you don't want to have
the lead."
-Me

The Quote...

"If love is like hearts, than sex is like spades. If you don't have a
good partner, you damn well better have a good hand."
-Weed

************************************************************************

The best quote from two years ago was a tough one to pick, because
none of them quite jumped out at me like that one, but any quote that
makes fun of me so well, that I cannot even muster a comment, I consider
to be quote of the year material...

************************************************************************

Quote Of the Year 1996-97

So this past weekend, we were all hanging out in John's room (the
5 of us who stayed this weekend), and John was reading a quote of the day,
when he turned around and said to me...


Quote Of the Day 4/8

"How can you still be standing right there? You've been standing
there for like two years. Take a walk! Sit down! Go out!..."
-My roommate that's not
really my roommate

************************************************************************

Last year's quote of the year actually got the honor by being the
only one nominated. I never had a quote nominated for quote of the year
before, so I figured this was going to be an easy decision. Steve
"Baritone" Zebrowski liked this quote so much, he e-mailed me for about
the first time in over a year and asked if I was accepting votes for quote
of the year, if there was such a thing. Well, Steve, thanks to you, there
is such a thing. And here it is...

************************************************************************

Quote Of the Year 1997-98

"I would be filled with so much information, it would be a sin to
let me die."
My father, the hero...



...sandwich.

************************************************************************

Well, this year's quote was a tough one to pick, because no one
decided to randomly nominate any, and after reading over all of them
again, I had narrowed it down to about 85. So after only keeping the
funniest of the funny, I submitted about 15 to my panel of judges (Tony)
and had him vote on them. Misti sat in the back of the car and agreed,
and that was good enough for me. But before I give you guys the Quote Of
the Year, there are a couple quotes that I feel deserve recognition for
one reason or another...

************************************************************************

Dustin's Favorite Quote 1998-99

Well, the coolest part of the night was the dinner that we got.
It was very good, and they had lots of glasses and forks that I didn't
know what to do with. Anyway, I got some chicken and a salad and
cheesecake, and lemon cake, and blah, blah, blah. I started eating and
after like my second bite, I peeked at Heather and she was using a
different kind of fork to eat her salad. Well, I found out I was using
the wrong fork already...


Quote Of the Day 4/30

Me: "Damnit. I'm on my second bite and I already started
using the wrong fork."
Hassan: "That's OK. I already ate my cake."


And I think he used the salad fork to do it too.

************************************************************************

It's good to know there are even bigger screw-ups than me out
there somewhere. This next one is pretty recent and possibly the most
talked about quote in a while.

************************************************************************

Runner-Up Quote Of the Year 1998-99

Dad: "Did you see Teresa?"
Me: "Yeah."
Dad: "Is she still hot?"
Me: "Yeah, but she cut all of her hair off."
Dad: "Oh, Dust, short hair is sexy."
Me: "No it's not. Short hair is cute, long hair is sexy."
Dad: "No, short hair is sexy. It's like you're having sex with like...
a little boy."

************************************************************************

The day after I sent that out, I had half of UMBC's campus coming
up to me offering me phone number's of their psychologists. For the
record once again everybody, my dad was kidding. Everybody knows he's
always been more of a leg man anyway. But I'm still not leaving him alone
with Mike or Joe anymore.
Well, the quote of the year was one that wasn't even originally
nominated (in the final field of 15, that is). I was suggesting a few to
Tony, and he said "wasn't there one about..." and that's when I knew it
was Quote Of the Year material. He remembered a quote from back in early
June that he wasn't even there to witness without me even having to
mention it. Based on this (and purely this), I made this quote the...

************************************************************************

Quote Of the Year 1998-99

Well, this brings us to our quote. Mike has a pretty crappy car
too, and we were talking about whether or not we could drive to Las Vegas.
Anyway, he told me that he'd have to find out if it was downhill first.


Quote of the Day 6/9/98

"Most people look at road maps before they take a trip. I look at
elevation charts."
-Mike

************************************************************************

Well Mike, congrats again. You join the elite company of John, my
dad, and Weed as the fourth ever "Quote Of the Year" winner. Kevin would
be proud. You should go to the bathroom and give him a call.

In a perfect utopian society, and as the title "quote of the day"
would suggest, I generally do the quote everyday. But as everybody on the
list knows, I'm a fairly busy guy, and there are times when my schedule
does not allot enough time for me to get to the quote. But if I ever fell
behind in my work, someone was always there to try and steal my job. And
a couple of those somebodys got in a pinch of trouble for it...

************************************************************************

Subject: Stand-in Quote of the Day for 3/19 from Mike Conover, alias
Yelnick MacWawa:

>Apparently Dustin is no longer taking his duties seriously, (Foster,
>eighteen green lumberjacks are chopping trees at fourteen hundred
>hours. Don't let the pelicans dive.) So, I'll take it over...


and then there was...

Subject: Kadybug's quote of the day, 12-5 from Dsentarius:

>Beware the squeal of the cricket lest the blue-balled monkey be spanked
>We have golf at 08:00...


and again...

Subject: My turn to jump in! on 4/25 by Weed

> Okay, this battle for the quote of the day crown must stop!
>Dustin is the rightful owner, and while he battles dragons and fly balls
>for the good of the campus, we must be patient. I would never dream of
>usurping his throne, but I swear to God...


Well, eventually, even though I was busy with work, this got to be
all too much for a certain pal of mine, and so he took matters into his
own hands...

Subject: Re: usurped quote of the day 4/25

On Thu, 25 Apr 1996, Michael J Conover wrote:

(snip)

> Still Stealing Dustin's Job Right Here.
>
FREEZE CONNOVER!!
Just drop Dustin's Job right there! Hands behind yer head! Behind
yer head mother fucker!! That's it, easy, easy.. good. Book 'im Dan-o.
Okay, lemme esplain somethin' here. Dustin's job ain't here for
the takin', see. See Dustin here, he's got the position for life; kinda
like the Pope. So, you know if the Pope is havin' a bad week, you can't
just pop over to the Vatican and start excommunicatin' people. Okay, so
Dustin's not keepin up to speed. Just hang in there for a while and he'll
get back on track. But till that time, you "MacWawa", are spendin' some
time in the drunk tank. Let's go boys...

Detective Smiley

************************************************************************

Though Detective Smiley (John, or TONTO) tries his hardest to keep
order in the land of the quote of the day, some criminals slip through his
hands. And though I very rarely condone it, a few times I feel I was
actually outdone in the quote of the day...

************************************************************************

Hello everyone,
I know I'm not Dustin, but Jami and I just got back from lab, and
we heard a good line that should be named an "Honorable Quote of the
Week". I hope you enjoy it....

From the Organic Lab...
Girl: "Where did you get those tiny balls?"
Guy: "They came with my equipment"

{I think we can just leave it at that}


Crash
CEO of the "Feed The Coyote Foundation"

************************************************************************

He was even nice about it, apologizing for not being me, which is
something I think everybody should try to do on a daily basis anyway.
This one is something that I said, thinking I'm invincible from the quote
of the day since I'm its creator. Boy is there egg on my face...

************************************************************************

Hey, everybody, I'm new to the WEB, but I think it's a trip. As
it probably says in the From: part of this message, my name is Chris
MacLeod and I'm a junior here at this fine institution (insert editorial
comment here: ). Anyway, his Pink-hattedness
actually made it to class today, and he uttered a phrase of such
journalistic power that I am forced to steal his e-mail list so that you
all can appreciate it as much as I did (I am sending this from the
hospital where they stitched my gut back up).
So here goes: We were sitting in philosophy, me, dustin and matt,
and we were poking fun at our friend Jacqui (in the purest, well-meaning,
politically correct sense, mind you!), when she said that we were being
sexist. And, well, from Dustin himself, out this came: (BTW, to all
female members of the web, feel free to blame dustin completely for this,
as it is totally his fault)


" Sexism is such a waste of time..........there are plenty
of reasons to hate women on an individual basis."


Enjoy!


Crows, swords, and giant squids,
Highlander

************************************************************************

Well, he didn't apologize for being me, and he didn't cower in
fear from the reign of terror that I could have possibly stricken upon
him..., but he did catch me at one of my finer moments (finer in this case
meaning very thin), so I'll forgive him.

Well, Detective Smiley scared Genghis Khanover (Mike Conover) so
badly that I doubted he would ever do anything like that again. In fact,
I think one of the coolest things that came out of the entire usurping
scandal was that the following semester, Mike filed an Official Quote Of
the Day Submission Form to get his "I'll let you guys go and play with
your worms then" quote posted as quote of the day. It was original and
very respectable. And now there's an actual Application for the Quote Of
the Day online. And I'll tell you now that I already had an entry that
you will all see soon. I'm waiting on clearance from the Student
Government Association to reallocate those five cyberdollars he gave me to
my QOTD account. So if all goes well, you should see it within the next
Fiscal year.

Well, I didn't do anything as cool as my April Fools prank last
year, and my little contest, with the exception of "Too many cooks spoil
the brothel" was kind of a bomb, so I don't have anything to exciting to
talk about that happened in this past year. Of course, there was that
time that Joe left his room with his account still logged in. So being
the self-proclaimed prankster that I am, I decided it would be funny if I
sent a message out to the entire QOTD list from his account telling
everybody that he was gay. That'll teach him. Actually, the most
excitement I think we had was that little trip to Russ's World that we
went on. In case you don't remember, I'll take you all back there again.
Remember to get your permission slips signed and bring a bag lunch,
because we're going back in...

************************************************************************

Good evening everyone, and welcome to Russ' World. A world where
quicksand is not an inherent contradiction, and boxing rings are square.
It is a world without form, logic, or substance. We drive on parkways and
park on driveways, pineapples are made from neither pine, nor apple, and
apartments are all stuck together. It is a world where everybody hates
the sad clown and platypuses dominate the sea. A strike can either mean
that you knock everything down, or you miss it completely. Shards of
human existence fly randomly throughout the stratosphere and roads freeze
before that bridge does. People with a fat chance have the same odds as
people with a slim chance, and yet wise guys and wise men are complete
opposites. This is Russ' World. All of his clocks sit on counters just
so he can say they run counter clockwise. It is a world where people
actually do hurt flies. It is a world where we have gotten rid of all of
our odds and ends but one. And we have no idea what the hell to call it.
And it is a world where this makes sense...


Quote Of the Day 9/1/98

Joe: "You went to breakfast!?!?! Why didn't you wake me up?!?!?"
Russ: "Well, because you were asleep."


Thank you for visiting Russ' World. Please make sure to receive our
complimentary kick in the nuts on your way out. And if you don't have
nuts, we'll supply them for you.

************************************************************************

Well, now that you all have a brief history of the quote of the
day, I want to do something cool for all of you. This next section is a
compilation of all of my personal favorite intros that I have done over
the past four years. And there's a lot of them, so you might want to get
another Juicy Juice or Killians as it applies to you. Or take a nap. But
when you finally get around to it, just hold onto the bar and keep your
head and arms inside the vehicle at all times...

************************************************************************
*******************************************************************
************************************************************************

A usual beginning... 10/4/96

I can tell by your silence that you are overwhelmed with humor.
But I can also tell by your stench that you're still out there.


On an artists' work habits... 2/19/96

Sorry these are so late, but I've been busy doing work lately.
Well, it's kinda like work. I dress John up in funny clothes and stick
cameras in dryers and call it work. But at any rate, I've been busy doing
it.


On problems with e-mail... 4/11/96

Hey! Guess who? IT'S ME, DUSTIN!!!

Alright, a certain amount of the element of surprise is basically
obsolete on E-mail.


On affordable trips... 6/12/98

Mike, Joe, Kevin and I had been planning for a while to go to Las
Vegas for a week for Mike's 21st birthday. Well, I was hesitant because I
figured it would cost way too much money to fly out there just for a week.
Then Joe told me that his eccentric rich uncle was willing to buy me a
plane ticket out there if me, Mike and Kevin would drive this unknown car
back to Philly. After totaling the travel expenses, it turns out that I
can afford free. My current bank account can cover free, and I might even
have some change for frills along the way. Like food.


On my busy life... 10/16/97

E-mail, at least the way I do it, should be a 3 or 4 credit
course. And as if that wasn't enough, I'm managing 5 intramural teams at
the same time. And this is a slow period! Thank God I dropped all my
classes or I might be in over my head.


On next year's cross-country trip... 7/22/98

Well, I know I've mentioned it before, but I went on a little trip
a few weeks back. Mike and Kevin came with me too. It was the most fun
I've ever had, and unless I have a real job, a medical disorder, or a
steady girlfriend, I'll be doing the same sort of thing next year.


On Day Camp... 6/16/98

Well, things at Concentration Camp Wonderfun just aren't the same
as they were last year. The kids whine when you hit them, counselors get
pissed when you through their clothes in the pool, and there are just a
lot fewer naked 4-year-olds running out of the changing area with snorkel
masks and flippers on. But there are still feces on the wall, and if you
catch the kid's legs just right with the dodge ball, they fly out from
under them and they land on their back or stomach. That just makes the
whole day worthwhile.


On Valentine's Day... 2/12/96

Well, the day is coming. Buy your flowers and candy now!! Or
your beer and Smack Ramen noodles, depending on what you're planning to do
that night.


On frats... 9/26/96

Well, it seems I've struck a nerve with that frat and girl frat
thing. First of all, I'd like to tell the three of you that responded to
me privately, that I know a "girl frat" is really called a soriety. And
one more thing, I am just poking fun at the system. No need to start any
frat/anti-frat wars. I know you don't literally "buy your friends." It's
more like renting them for four years. And I've never really had to have
people vote on whether or not they wanted me to hang out with them either.
Though maybe we should start doing that. I've also never been a boy
scout, though most of the people I know who were, have since grown out of
it. And paying money to go towards the national chapter fee is equivalent
to paying money to be called a ZBT and so on. And we all know what goes
on at those "socials" that the frats throw. Ask Barnes. But like I said,
I'm only kidding here. I don't condone or condemn farts or sobrieties. I
just make fun of everyone. I'm an equal opportunity offender.


On Concentration Camp Wonderfun games... 7/31/98

...But they don't call me Mr. Cantaloupe for nothing, let me tell
you...
By the way, they call me Mr. Cantaloupe now. It stemmed (no pun
intended) from a game called, appropriately enough, "Fruit" in which
dexterity meets wit, and if that isn't enough, the loser gets clocked with
a wacky noodle. That's my favorite part.


On Valentine's Day (again)... 2/16/98

I don't knock Valentine's Day as a national holiday, but I have to
question a few things about it. Does anybody else find it disturbing that
those little candy hearts that used to say stuff like "Be mine" and
"You're cool" now say things like "You suck," "Fuck off," and "Stop
following me around, you pink hatted bastard!"?... And why are they all
of a sudden written in pen too?


On a dumb cliche... 3/12/96

Hey guys, I'm doing this one early so I don't have to worry about
it later on today. I've got so much crap to do, it's not funny. Normally
I only have a little crap to do, and it's funny. Sometimes when I have
nothing to do, it's hilarious. And still other times, when there's even
less than nothing to do, I can't stop laughing for days.


On random thoughts out loud about funny... 6/22/98

That probably wasn't funny. But it wasn't supposed to be. This
is. Let me know how I do.


On laziness... 11/11/97

Sorry I haven't e-mailed anybody in a while, but I've been sick
(he's just lazy) and overwhelmed with work (addicted to Mario Kart) as of
recent. But I'm gonna try and crack that habit now by spending a little
free time each day e-mailing again (he'll do anything to put off
schoolwork). So here we go...


On my weird mood... 4/11/96

I'm in a rather weird mood today. Maybe it's this weather. Or
maybe it's the fact that I don't sleep during the weekdays. Or maybe the
pink dye from my hat is finally seeping into my brain...


On giving out your password carelessly... 3/11/96

A word of warning to all of you: DON'T GIVE EARL YOUR PASSWORD!!!
Or anyone who might give it to Earl. He can do some serious fucking up of
one's account. He's learned some new shit that no one has ever seen
before. He can write a program into your account so that every time you
try to login, the keyboard gives you an electric shock. And then every
time you hit a certain few keys in a certain order, a boxing glove comes
out of the monitor and smacks you in the head. Moral of the story: DON'T
GIVE EARL YOUR PASSWORD!!! In fact, that's why the university invented
passwords. So Earl couldn't get into your account and fuck it up.


On April Fool's Day... 4/2/96

Did anybody do anything cool for April Fool's Day? I didn't. I
couldn't think of anything cool enough and I didn't have enough duct tape
to hold Billy to the bed for any significant period of time.


On Dustin's "Bug System" of critiquing movies... 1/15/99

On a scale from one to ten bugs, ten bugs being the highest
correlation of the pleasure that would come at the relief of finally
seeing the damn movie, I'll give this week's replacement, Patch Adams, 7
1/2 bugs. By the way, The Faculty got no bugs. In fact, it owes me at
least two caterpillars and a dust mite.


On Appalachian State University... 10/7/96

Anyway, I was talking to Kevin, my friend from home who goes to
school at Appalachian State University. And if you don't know where that
is, it's because it's surrounded by trees for 8000 miles in each
direction. It looks almost like they were flying an entire college campus
from Boston to Miami and dropped it in a forest and figured 'fuck it,
we'll get it later.'


On Good Tony and Evil Tony... 11/14/97

...Anyway, what made it even better was that after two straight
years of losing to Tony's team (not our Tony, but evil Tony, the Asian
one. He's not really evil, we just call him evil Tony because we all met
"good Tony," the blond one, first. So if you ever meet another Dustin, he
will be known as "evil Dustin." Unless of course you have already met
another Dustin, because I cannot be known as "evil Dustin," so we make an
exception to that rule and call the first Dustin "First Dustin." OK, I'm
going to return to my sentence now), well, anyway, after two years of
losing to evil Tony's team in the finals...


On my choice of clothing in the winter... 2/5/98

Well, I wore pants for the second day in a row today, eclipsing my
old record of one.


On daylight savings time... 4/8/96

Hey everybody. I hope all your weekends were fun and Eastery.
And if you haven't yet, remember to set your clocks ahead. But don't do
it when you're tired or this will happen: I put my laundry in the dryer
yesterday at around 3:30 and on my way up, I stopped in John's room for a
while and he reminded me to set the clock ahead. So I went back to my
room and set my clock ahead an hour, and proceeded to clean up the room a
bit (I know it doesn't look it, Billy, but I did). Anyway, I looked at
the clock and it read 5:00, and I remembered that I had put my laundry in
at 3:30. So I went down to get it out of the dryer...

It wasn't done yet. (BTW, I exaggerate a lot, but this actually happened.)


On Billy hitting a jet ski with a boat... 9/16/96

Good news and bad news: Good news - No one got hurt. Bad news -
Billy was one of the people who didn't get hurt.


On my favorite hat... 11/5/97

This quote is about the ugliness of one of my hats (as opposed to
my shirt). I have this hat that I don't wear too often, unless I know for
sure that I'm not going to run into anyone I need to impress for that
period of time. It's not even really pink. It's got pink in it, along
with yellow and brown and black. And it's a weird fabric, especially for
a hat. It feels like a curtain. And the colors are in a really ugly
pattern. It's almost random really. And in a bad way. And it's even
shaped funky. I have to wear it backwards or else I won't be able to see.
And then I can't look up. The only reason I keep it is that it matches
everything I own.


On getting in trouble with the woman... 4/7/97

"Well, Carl, since you're already in trouble, you might
as well look cool in front of your friends..."
-Eddie Swanson

...And Eddie, though he means well, is wrong here. There are a few more
stages after "in trouble" that you really don't want to see. Trust me.


On my relationship with Good Joe... 6/18/98

Well, thankfully, one of my best friend's happens to be a Car
major at GMI Institute (which in its written out form, is General Motor's
Institute Institute). So I tell him all the problems I'm having with the
car and he says some words I don't understand and I nod my head and go
"ooooh, ok," and then we play tennis.


On job related stress... 1/8/99

Well, I've just been informed that we are scrimmaging the girls
basketball team again tomorrow. I worry that I'm going to embarrass
myself by either A) generally sucking really bad, B) getting a cramp and
falling down in pain, screaming like a ten-year-old school girl, or C)
accidentally touching one of them in the boob. I told you guys my job was
not totally without stress.


On December at UMBC... 12/1/95

Anyway, it's December finally. Which in Maryland, apparently
means that temperatures will rise into the upper 60s with a beautiful
breeze reminding everyone of early Spring. It also means that Christmas
is soon approaching and with the coming of Christmas, also comes the
stress of finals. Everybody is too busy worrying about their future to be
able to get into the Christmas spirit. It is quite an unfortunate
principal of college. They should really try to schedule around such
holidays. But I refuse to let it bog me down. I will be in the Christmas
spirit because I have admitted defeat. The future holds no fame and
fortune for me and academics have never been my thing. So I'll be riding
around on my invisible sled playing pink-hatted Santa Claus to everyone.
Another unfortunate principal is that all college students are broke. So
you will all be getting paper machey in your stocking from me. Hug
somebody for Christmas. They're cheap and very seldomly (though it does
happen) refused. But stop at the hug or you may be getting a pretty
little summons under your tree. All right, I've wasted enough of your
precious e-mail time and my delirious awakeness is wearing off...


On going back home... 11/13/97

Well, I finally went home last Wednesday for the first time in
over 3 months. We have a dog now. And a sister too. The dog's name is
Romeo. I recognized the sister from a few years ago, before she moved out.
She still answers to the name Charmaine. She can roll over now. It's
pretty impressive. Who says you can't teach an old sister new tricks?


On learning new words... 7/25/98

Actually, when I first found out what "facetious" meant, I had
also just learned what the word "feces" meant. And so when somebody told
me I was being facetious, I thought they were telling me I was full of
shit. Which is basically what it means anyway.


On sleeping through a calculus exam... 12/7/95

I already admitted academic defeat, but I've now committed
academic suicide.


On using the wrong fork... 5/1/98

On Wed, 6 May 1998, Jacy A D'Aiutolo wrote:

> D-
> The trick to forks, spoons, knives, and glasses in a formal
> setting is to work from the outside in, one utensil at a time. You
really
> can't go wrong that way.
> :-)
> -Jacy

Alright, Jacy! Then what about the fork that was sideways at the
top of my plate? What do I do with that one, eh? Is that the one you use
to stab your waiter when he laughs at you when you use the wrong one?
Next time I have to go to some formal event, I'm just going to bring six
sporks. That way, I can't go wrong.


On getting old... 11/3/97

I don't know if you guys are taking me seriously with this whole
me being old thing, but my knees don't do things that they used to. Of
course, when they did the things that they used to, they never really did
the things that they were supposed to, and I think I'm paying the price
now. But I don't know. Because had they not done the things they weren't
supposed to, they might not be able to do the things that they used to now
anyway. Or maybe it would just hurt a lot more. Who knows?


On computer problems... 6/11/98

Guess What? My computer works!!! OK. Only about five of you out
there knew that I was having problems, and only one of you out there was
actually the cause of the problem (thanks a lot ProzBoy). Apparently, the
way I had the modem hooked up, too much power was being sucked out by the
washing machine. I had to do some major rewiring and I can no longer wear
any of those pastels I had in there, but I'll be darned if my AOhelL
account doesn't work!!


On football strategy... 10/30/97

Anyway..., our men's football team lost our football game today.
But I know what we did wrong. See, what happened was that we let them
score more points than we did. I'm thinking if we had avoided that, we
may have had a better shot at winning. Oh well. They say that hindsight
is 20/20, and in my case it's probably twice that, because I don't wear
glasses or anything.


On computer Geeks... 9/21/98

Hello all. I can tell you are in dire need of a quote of the day.
The mailing list has turned into some sort of computer virus chat group
for the internet nerds on the list. I'm surprised Russ hasn't chimed in
yet. Actually, I admire you computer geeks out there. Especially if you
can get paid for it like Weed (Steve). Hell, I'd be one too, if I wasn't
so busy being a real man. Which also has me wondering were Proz was
during this whole discussion. If anybody isn't a man, it's him.


On finally getting to sleep... 1/25/99

... so I'm forcing myself to go into work early Saturday and to
stay later Sunday night just to achieve this feat. Then I'm gonna take a
nap for five days. I probably could. The problem with that is that my
alarm clock doesn't have a setting for "Thursday." So I'd probably have
to hit the snooze alarm every 9 minutes for 4 and a half days. Hey,
whatever it takes.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

On strange mathematical principals... 4/10/96

Hello today troops. Just to let you all know, I've been sick for
a little while but I'm getting over it. Though this damn weather is not
helping any. Gotta love that Indian winter. April + Maryland = Snow.
I'd appreciate it if some math major could explain that to me sometime.

(Well, ask and ye shall receive...)


On 4/11/96, Dsentarius wrote:

Claim: April + Maryland = Snow

Proof:
Assume negation:
April + Maryland >or< Snow

Case 1: April + Maryland > Snow
=> We'd rather live in Maryland in April than have snow
We've reached contradiction because none of us want to live here
anyway.
QED, April + Maryland cannot be > Snow

Case 2: April + Maryland < Snow
=> April < Snow - Maryland
=> April is what is leftover when it doesn't snow in Maryland
We have reached contradiction again because there are many crappy
things in Maryland besides April.
Take Dundalk, for example:
Dundalk exists whether it snows or not (and
whether we want it to or not)
Ergo, April + Maryland cannot be < Snow

We have that April + Maryland cannot be > or < snow
=> April + Maryland = Snow

Proof Complete.


-(Thank you once again, Chris.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

On hypocrites... 2/24/98

On Tue, 24 Feb 1998, Powdered Toast Man wrote:

> Okay...someone please correct me if I'm wrong....but didn't we all have
> the argument last year as to whether or not people should reply to the
> whole list?
> Didn't we decide not to?
>
>
>
> Always better with a glass of milk...
>
> Powdered Toast Man


Just thought I'd take a moment to point out the hypocrisy in this
statement...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

OK, I'm done.


On the problem with ski lifts... 1/21/99

I was on one of the ski lifts with Teresa (Little Boy Hair Girl)
and it suddenly stopped. Apparently that isn't too uncommon. Whenever
somebody fucks up getting on the lift, they have to stop it for a while,
to avoid further deaths. Damn rookies. If you can't get on the lift, you
don't deserve to have the benefit of a ride back up the hill. Just carry
your skis and start hiking. Actually, those lifts are scary. I could
picture somebody getting stuck trying to get on one. I mean, you're
standing there and the gate opens a split second after the people in front
of you get on, and you can see the seat you need to get on coming down the
other side, and you have to make it out onto the loading deck with those
big bulky skis on with another person beside you in like 3 seconds, or
you're going to get blindsided by the side of it when it comes swinging
around the turn. I could see somebody starting to trip and panicking and
trying to jump out there anyway, and falling off the deck, but still
trying to reach for the passing lift to both save a little embarrassment
and to preserve his place in line and his right to not have to walk back
up the big hill. Well, anyway, I was on the lift with Teresa when it all
of a sudden stopped...


CONOVER: On mocking my style... 3/19/96

I don't have a handball team, or a basketball team, or any team,
and we most certainly didn't play ZBT yesterday, my legs don't hurt, I'm
not having girl problems, and I don't have any late-night computer lab
stories to tell. I'm not working on any film projects, no dorms on campus
have received mass amounts of flowers from me, and I'm not introducing
anyone new to the list. I wonder how Dustin does it!


On Conover stealing my job... 4/25/96

Alright troops, I really shouldn't be doing this because I have a
paper to write, a tape to edit, and a freelance lancer to behead by sunrise...


On my six month long superpowers... 4/3/98

The coolest thing happened actually when we were supposed to set
our clocks ahead. I was working the desk from midnight until 4AM and
first of all, it was only 3 hours. That was a kinda neat revelation. But
even cooler than that, I found out that I get paid for the entire four
hours of it. (I don't know why, that's just what they told me to write in
the payroll.) So that hour in time existed for me, according to
Residential Life. While everybody else either lost an hour of sleep, or
work, or socializing during that missing hour, I lived it. That's right.
I was the only person on the planet not affected by the time change. I
lived an hour more than everyone else on Saturday. I am "HOUR MAN!"


On application of Mineral Ice... 9/30/96

I found out something that you shouldn't do and I thought I'd let
you all in on it before you make this mistake. Never rub Mineral Ice or
Ben-Gay on your shoulder and then rub your eye before washing your hand.
That just stings a lot. It feels like the equivalent of using a Hall's
menthol cough drop that's been half sucked for a contact lens. Basically,
just don't do it.


On writing my own Onion articles... 8/7/98

MARIO AND LUIGI REALLY JUST COUSINS
WUMPA WUMPA LAND, SUPER MARIO WORLD--Mario Mario Sr. came clean
today in a local press conference telling the whole video game world that
Mario Mario and Luigi Mario are really just cousins. When Luigi was only
27 days old, his parents met their death at the hand of a spiked green
shell. Though no formal suit was filed, it is popularly believed to the
work of Bowser. "I'd recognize that evil laugh anywhere" said Mario Mario
Sr. In a rather touching moment, Mario gave Luigi a big hug. "Don't cry
Luigi. Besides, us people of MarioLand are all brothers, deep down
anyway" Mario added, trying to console his teary-eyed, younger cousin.
"Except Toad. I hate that fucker."


On receiving a television from my best friends... 2/13/98

You guys are AWESOME!!! That was the coolest thing that's ever
happened to me in my entire life. If I could take all of you and fit you
into one gorgeous woman, I'd give you a BIG sloppy kiss and have my way
with you several times on the plywood scaffolding (that's a compliment).
I mean, if I could take all of your limbs individually and separate them
from your body, and melt them down into one tiny little gummi worm, I'd
eat it slow as I possibly could just so I could savor the taste (I'm not
sure what that was).


Who says I can't tell the future?... 6/23/98

This quote came from Mike when we were in the mall last night
preparing for our trip across the country. And incidentally, Mike, Kevin
and myself in one car for, oh, say, 150 hours, is a virtual
quote-of-the-day on wheels. I wouldn't be surprised if I come back and
have a "trip to Vegas quote month." So if any of you are really into
being the annual "quote-master," a position that Tony holds until at least
next March 3rd, I recommend trying to schedule a long road trip with me
sometime soon. January looks free by my calendar.


On writing too many screenplays... 11/12/97

CUT TO:

INT. MIDDLE OF DINING HALL, UMBC - 1:20 PM

Laughter fills the air as the camera pans back across the dining hall. A
clumsy student in a pink hat drops his soft ice cream cone onto his left
shoe. In trying to catch it, he inadvertently trips a tall blond girl,
causing her to spill gravy all over her white dress. She yells and then
punches him in the nose.

FADE OUT:

************************************************************************

There have recently been two huge directions my random bitching
and complaining have been headed in the intros to the quote of the day.
The biggest one has been the issues I've been having with my new car. The
quote has seen my car get broken into, it has seen me shrink 4 inches due
to the brilliant New Jersily paved roads, it witnessed me get in an
accident that almost technically totaled my car, and it was there when I
got three tickets (and soon to be another one. Stupid E-Z Pass lane!).
Anyway, these next few intros are going to all be car related for your
organizational pleasure...

On problems with the car... 6/18/98

You know, I've finally figured out the secret to my car. It makes
a lot of unnatural noises when you try to do certain things in it. Like
accelerate. Well, the key to a smooth ride in my car, is to block out
those sounds. I've found that turning the music up really loud helps a
lot. And I've noticed that if you don't look at the driver's side mirror
ever, you can hardly notice that it's falling off. I'm trying to apply
this skill to other areas in my life as well. I once read an article that
said that taking an aspirin daily with a shot of bourbon reduces a
person's awareness of heart attacks. I wonder if this principle also
works with dirty laundry. And student loans.


Pros and cons on getting one's window stuck down... 11/9/98

I don't know if I told you guys this, but sometime in late
September, I was rolling down my window, and it got stuck about halfway
down. Well, being the intelligent, auto-knowledgeable guy, I figured that
all I had to do to solve the problem was press harder. That's
approximately when I heard the really loud metallic snapping noise. Then
my window started to slowly sink down into the door. I grabbed it to try
to stop it, then realized that I'd have to hold it open until somebody
that knew more about cars than I did just happened to walk by. Seeing as
how I doubted this was going to happen, I figured "ah, it's nice out.
I'll just get it fixed sometime next week."

CUT TO:

November 9, 1998. It's been about a month and a half since the window has
been up, and it's starting to really become a factor. I'm going to share
a few of the pros and cons about having one's car window stuck down 24/7:

CONS:

The cold. This is the most obvious one, as I am constantly reminded every
time I get in the damn thing. I have to actually wear extra heavy
clothing to prepare to ride in my car. And I've started supplying
blankets, parkas, and earmuffs for any unfortunate passengers. Sure their
window goes up, but it doesn't help that the entire other half of the car
is exposed to the freezing cold Novemberness of the air. And that reminds
me of another thing...

Dates: It's one thing to tell one of my good friends to suck it up and
bring a scarf and mittens or something, but it becomes a problem if I want
to try to ask a pretty girl that I don't know all too well. "Hey, baby.
How bout we goze ridin in my big blue tank o looooove? Oh, and make sure
to dress warmly, if ya know what I mean *wink*." I'm having enough
problems as it is, I don't need a faulty crank to count against me (don't
even think what you're thinking).

Rain: I'm reminded of this factor about three or four times every month.
Not only do I not have a driver's side windshield wiper, but I have an
absentee window now too. And it's still down there! I can hear it rattle
every time I shut the door, or go over a bump, or shift. It's in there
teasing me, having a grand ole time. Anyway, rain sucks. I have to lean
all the way over toward the middle of the car just to see, and then I've
got to put a towel over my left side (a towel is now a standard feature in
my car) to keep from getting drenched. I also try not to make right turns
when not absolutely necessary. And parking is a key issue. If I park it
in the wide open, I'll come back and have to get out my reserve towel just
to slightly slow down the migration of the water from the seat through my
shorts, through my underwear, to my bare ass. My cold bare ass, I might
care to add, also. So I park in a garage whenever possible (at
Bennigans), and under trees, if a garage doesn't happen to be around and
the time. This, however, introduces a problem you might not think of off
the top of your head...

Autumn: Autumn has one major characteristic that distinguishes it from
most of the other seasons. This characteristic is actually how it got
it's nickname, "fall." This characteristic is that leaves change color
and fall off the trees that they had once thrived upon. I get in my car
each morning with about half of a maple tree waiting for me. I've started
collecting the leaves in hope to someday make my own tree in my trunk. I
used to brush them outside, but the following morning, I realized just how
little that helps the overall aesthetics of the car.

Safety: Thank goodness my car is a piece of shit to begin with. If it
had any redeeming qualities at all, somebody would have definitely stolen
it by now. And when most people leave their possessions in the passenger
seat, or back seat of the car if they have them there, I take them out and
throw them in the trunk. It's a pain in the ass, but you kinda get used
to it. I think the funniest thing is the accumulation of police safety
warnings that I've been getting. After the first two weeks, I think they
gave up.

Dirt: Well, since I have no window, I can't really go through a car wash,
can I? Well, I suppose it's possible, but the implications of that kinda
turn me off. And seeing as how the alternative to needing to reupholster
the entire interior is just having a dirty f*cking car, I'll live with the
dirt. Actually, I've gotten in the habit of taking those windshield wiper
things at gas stations and going over the entire exterior. It turns out
that not only does this not work, but it is counterproductive to the
cleanliness of the vehicle. I don't know if any of you have tried to use
Windex on cold metal before, but it streaks like a drunk Ryan McMullin.
So now my car has that icky soap residue in non-parallel streaks all over
the hood, and the roof, and everywhere else.

Self-image: I was driving down the road and looked out the window and saw
a carfull of cute girls staring at me. I thought I was the man, so I
waved at them. They proceeded to laugh and sped up to never be seen
again. It was then that I remembered that I was driving with the window
down in 40 degree weather and wearing a pink knit hat and a scarf. Man, I
wish I had that minute back.

PROS:

I can never lock my keys in my car.

My window is already down at the drive-thru.

The windshield doesn't fog up as easily.


On drive-thrus... 2/11/99

I don't know if you guys heard about this, but there is talk of
making the use of cell phones in cars illegal. Now, I'm not a big
advocate of accidents in any capacity, but if we're going to outlaw
something because it detracts too much attention away from the actual
turning and breaking of the vehicle, then we need to start with something
other than cell phones. Like drive-thrus. Now, I'm not the most
coordinated guy in the world, but I can quite easily hold a phone with my
shoulder and cheek if necessary. And I'm also talented enough to not have
to look into the receiver in order to trust that it's working. If you've
been keeping track, that leaves my eyes available to look down the road,
my left hand free to steer the car, and my right hand free to change the
radio station when that stupid "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" song comes on.
However, simple things like turning the car aren't as easy when you're
trying to use the pickle to scrape the onions off the top bun of your Big
Mac. And you're bound to drop a fry or two in the seat of your car that
you won't be able to find with your eyes on the road. And the fun doubles
when you do all of this with a McFlurry in your crotch. In short, I say
we start at the source and ban drive-thrus before we start with cell
phones. Laptop computers and audio workout tapes are also up there.


On bad car stereos... 11/12/98

Sometime two weeks ago, after listening to the radio for every
single second that I was in my car, I was singing along to whatever song
was on the radio (probably very loudly and off-key, but that's not very
important), and out of nowhere the front left speaker came on. I've had
the car for a little over three months and I've heard absolutely nothing
come out of that speaker ever. Then all of a sudden, it's blaring full
blast out of that speaker. It was cool. I jammed to the stereo sound
that I didn't have before all my way to work (which was only another 5 or
10 minutes), and got out of the car feeling all cool. I went throughout
my day and enough time had passed and enough stuff had happened that made
me forget about the speaker earlier that morning. I turned the car on and
drove home without the help of the front left speaker. In fact it didn't
even dawn on me that it wasn't working for another few days until the same
song came on.

************************************************************************

The other direction I steer toward in my mini-gripe session is my
dating life and/or troubles with flirting. Time and time again, I exploit
my incompetence in the dating circuit for the pleasure of the masses. And
I hope you guys appreciate it, damnit!...

On the difference in the sexes... 6/20/98

You know what guys? There is a significant difference between
guys and girls. OK, there are several. And I imagine there are some even
I don't know about yet. But here's one of them. Guys flirt because they
like to be around a girl they find attractive. Girls flirt to send
signals. Guys have no idea what those signals mean. Girls think guys are
stupid. Guys are stupid. Girls are right.


On "my outfit" and dating... 7/30/98

Well, not too much has changed in my pursuit of Marlena, the
stunningly gorgeous model that has seemed to have found something better
to do than be stalked by me. Well, I guess it's just the same because we
had already gone out once, and I wore my outfit. Now, by "my outfit," I
could mean a lot of things, especially if you know me and my wardrobe well
enough. But it wasn't that ugly rayon button down with three shades of
neon green in it or the hat made out of a curtain. It was an actual
respectable outfit. And my only one, too. So if we went out again,
either I'd have to wear the same thing, go on a tennis or flag football
date, or run down to Baltimore to borrow some of Tony's clothes again.
And now I don't have to shave every morning either. I don't know why
people date in the first place. You just wind up blowing your entire
paycheck on doing things you really have less fun doing than the free
things you could be doing just to try to prove to this person that you're
not the complete dork that you really are.
Or maybe that's just me.


On maintaining my heterosexual image... 6/23/98

Another thing about flirting is that they say the most important
thing to do is be yourself. Well, the hell with that crap! I've been
being myself for over 20 years now, and what has it gotten me? DICK!
(That could be taken one of a few different ways. Take it the more
figurative, heterosexual way if you could, please).

On my obsession with my co-counselor... 7/25/98

Well, that didn't last too long. We went out Wednesday and come
this weekend, she stopped returning my pages. (She has a pager. I wasn't
mailing a book to her a little at a time.)


On morality... 6/24/98

She has a boyfriend! What the hell is up with that? Am I really
that stupid, or are women just that inherently evil? You girls all suck.
And not like in a good way, either. And I really got the hint that she
wouldn't mind cheating on her boyfriend. And though on one hand I know
it's wrong..., I could really be convinced to have a premeditated moment
of weakness. Maybe a few, if things really go well.


On not knowing how to be 23... 10/9/98

And here's another thing. I just realized that I don't know how
to be 23. My idea of a fun night out is Ping Pong and Taboo. I'd ask a
girl out, but I have no idea what to ask to do. "Hey baby. Wanna go play
a little Scattegories, eh? We can make up our OWN categories, if ya know
what I mean. *wink wink*" Well, all suggestions are welcome. And by the
way, if anybody wants to play Taboo this weekend, let me know.


On my last date... 1/18/99

Hey everybody. I actually went out on a date Tuesday night.
Don't get too excited. Five minutes into it, she admitted to being a
chain smoker. In fact, I kinda figured that I wouldn't have a good time,
but this girl left me her number at Bennigans, and I just wanted to make
sure that I wouldn't mind never talking to her again. Well, I was right.
At least she paid for everything. I guess that was the payment for me
allowing her to be annoying all night.

************************************************************************

On my job as Quote Master on a slow day...

OK, so maybe it's not exactly fall-down belly laughter, but it's
kind of introspectively funny. OK, well maybe it's not even interesting
at all. I don't care. I already typed it. I'm tired, and I'm going to
bed. Laugh or go to hell.


************************************************************************
*******************************************************************
************************************************************************

Well, I hope that was at the very least tolerable and you haven't
fallen asleep or gone blind from staring at the screen for the last 2
hours. We're in the home stretch, so don't worry. It'll all be over soon
enough. Well, I normally sign off with a different little signature every
time, and here are what I feel describe me the best...

Love, pink hats, and volleyballs,
Love, pina coladas, and the muppet dance,
The world's favorite emotional masochist,
An hour older, an hour dumber,
America's 11th Most Wanted,
The man who loves Calc III so much,
he's doing it again,
Catch you later e-mail dudes,
Lugs, punk hash, and wonder bras,
Tragically hip,
The man. The myth. The idiot.
He liked Calculus III so much,
he took it a third time,
Wet and swerving all over the place,
Keeper of the Crickets,
Guardian of the Trids,
Protector of the chicken thumbs,
Sniffing lots of pepper and wearing a helmet,
Hasta la viagra,
Eating burritos and lighting my farts on fire,
Exaggerating for effect,
A tumor in the brain of justice,
Subcontracting freelance 8-year-olds,
Collapsing under the pressure of my own weight,
Fighting for the forces of goo,
Confucius of the 90s,
Don't marry for money
(you can borrow it cheaper) (Momma Spence),
Eating leftover turkey milkshakes,
Don't marry for sex
(you can rent it cheaper) (me),
Miles to go before I sleep,
Licking the ceiling fan of torture,
Not necessarily the news,
Everything you know is wrong,
A perpetual sleep deprivation experiment,
Faking an organism,
Offend and run,
Praying to the patron saint of
late computer art projects,
The thimble of therenity,
Desperately seeking Suzanne,
Bathing in the puddle of spite,
Desperately seeking Sleep,
Gittin Jiggy Wit It,
Doing the Indian boogie to a white man's song,
Single and probably doing it wrong,
Seeking big girly hair girlies,
Chipping for bogie,
Love, interceptions, and a clay imp,
Pointless guard,
Marginally fly (for a white guy),
Making faces back at little kids,
Practicing safe sax,
Playing with my inner beast,
A foot in his mouth and his heart in his hand,
Still crazy after all these years,
Testing the boundaries of child abuse,
The guy with which you can up help the TV hook,
Love, Liberace, and the pursuit of hacky sacks,
Love, cranberry sauce,
and Bowser's freakin' Castle,
Pasta la visa, baby,
Protector of the quotes,
Trying to surf in the wading pool of opportunity,
Rook for a rook,
I'm taking my ball and I'm leaving,
Au reservoir,
Wiping dirt off a surface,
Looking for the next best thing,
The walls have ears too,
Queen Bitch of the Banshees,
Nobody special today,
Not the man,

Dustin.
Extendo.
Screaming Cricket.
Wet Cricket.
Sneezing Cricket.
Twitching Cricket.
Screaming Dustin.
Leaving Cricket.
Freezing Cricket.
Air Fisher.
Nipples.
Fathead.
The Riddler.
Screams with Crickets.
Loopy.
Nitsud.
Fish.
The Extendinator XXIV.
Mr. Dustin.
Extendo-duck.
Crotch McFlurry.
Boy Dustin.
Sir Mix-Just-Barely-Enough.
Mr. Cantaloupe.
Sucky Sucky.
Suckworm.
Spud.
Bungle Nut.
Fish-Fry.
Adolescent Boy Hair Man.
Hour Man.
Coy.
Not-Not-Dustin.
Mr. Whistlehead.
Grandmaster Quote.
Quote Sensei.
Quote Daddy D.
Quotey Quote & the Funky Bunch.
Stressing Cricket.
The Quorax.


Still Standing Right Here...
Steal Sanding Ripe Shears...
Still Understanding Right Here... (Conover)
Taking A Nap...
Still Taking A Nap...
Lying Down With A Wet Towel On My Leg...
Getting Back Up Slowly...
Taking A Killer Nap...
Sleeping With the Television On...
Still Hobbling Right Here...
Still Limping Right Here...
I never sit down. I sleep on one leg...

_______________________________________________________
DO YOU YAHOO!? Well, that's fine. Just not in public.


************************************************************************
**********************************************************
************************************************************************

Well, the quote has some definite history behind it. I don't
really keep a diary (because I'm a real man), but you can pretty much
piece together old QOTDs to figure out what I did my entire college
career. And beyond. The quote saw me get written up for noise violation
all of my five years at UMBC. Even when I was an RA. The quote saw me
get an apartment, a car (sorta), a real job (even more sorta), it saw me
crash that car (definitely), it saw that car get broken into, it was there
all freakin three times I lost to Asian "Evil" Tony in the volleyball
finals, and it was there the year we finally beat the bastard. The quote
traveled with us across the country to LA and will soon venture down to
Florida and back. It has even outlasted (God rest their souls) the
Pimp-Daddies and Everyday @ Six. It has also witnessed me become the
victim of graduation. It was there through all of my women problems (and
some of my women solutions), and it was there when you guys all e-mailed
each other behind my back to conspire to chip in and buy me a television.
That was the absolute coolest thing anybody has ever done for me. Kudos
to Evil Greg for planning that, even though he was eventually asked to
leave with a dishonorable discharge.
I truly thought that when I first sent out that first quote that
it might last the last three months of the semester and that's all. I had
no intention of spanning the globe from California to Thailand, and from
Alabama to Australia. And I definitely didn't figure 131 people would
want to get this thing once a day for the last four years. Well,
apparently you do, and that puts all the more pressure on me to keep it
coming. And I can't disappoint my crowd. Well, it seems that almost all
the predictions I made in the last three years have come true. Barnes has
been happily dating the same girl for over two years now, we made up that
stupid outdoor soccer game after almost a year, and White "Good" Tony did
indeed become an RA. Now whether or not a got a "real job that doesn't
involve playing with kids for money" is arguable, but at least it pays.
And they're older kids now. And at the end of my e-mail last year, I got
all mushy because I was afraid I'd never see you guys again after I
graduated...

>And little things like staying up until 6 in the morning playing
>Worms and crashing in Joe's room. I think that's what I'll
>miss most. That, and possibly the girl's volleyball team. It's
>a real toss up.

Well, I stayed the night in Joe's room so much this past semester,
they bought me a cot. And now I work very closely (not THAT closely) with
the girls volleyball team. I'm their own personal DJ. Hell, I'm even the
volunteer assistant varsity woman's basketball coach now. Maybe next year
will find me teaching a class, driving a new (at least newer) car, and
maybe, just maybe, my dad will have finally gotten that damn Dominos
Pizza. And I want to take a second to congratulate some of the QOTDs
prime players for their upcoming graduation this year. If all goes well,
joining the ranks of Sedge, Senior Tonto, myself, and Hal "You don't be
hittin' the ball that hard and be talkin' about classes and shit..."
Hickman, will be Good Tony, Good Joe, Suzanne, Meawad, Kevin, Misti, and
Leigh. Just do me a favor guys (and gals). Don't sell out. Don't go
getting a real job and that kind of shit. Find low-paying, low-stress,
low-prestige jobs to help you cling onto those college years. Better yet,
go to grad school. Put off the real world as long as possible. You'll
regret it if you don't, I kid you not. And that's my little lesson for
this year.

************************************************************************

I've been saving this quote for a few months now just for this
occasion. It touches upon how many people I greet with this not-so-daily
kernel of unpopped sunshine every once in a while. I think the quotes
that I enjoy the most are the ones that make fun of me to the point where
I can't come back to them. Like when Sedge told me I follow the rules of
fashion like most people follow the speed limit. And when Leigh
complimented me on my "real shoes." "Real shoes" in my case, being
defined as ones without duct tape on them. I also do a great deal of
talking about every facet of my life in the intros. You people
collectively know more about me than my parents. You guys knew about the
first time I ever got drunk (actually, I was just getting more kidding).
Case in point: Good Joe was back home and talking to somebody else on the
QOTD list. At this point, I hadn't seen either of them in about 6 months.
Joe was recreating the conversation for me when I got back home...


Quote Of the Day 3/3/99

"Yeah, I was telling somebody, I forget who it was, about what you
were up to, and they were like 'yeah, I know.'"
-Good Joe.


Well, I've finished Quotezilla. Looks like I'm gonna finally get some
Dunchfest.

Doing what I can for the people I love,
Dustin.


I know many people
Have stood where I stand.
I've been searching for years now
For just one honest man.
People tell me I can trust them
And then they'll play their little games.
Then I tell them I'll be faithful
And sometimes I act the same.

But I've tried and I've tried,
And I've lied and I've lied,
Still Standing Right Here...
-lyrics by Dustin Fisher

Pre-QOTD Anniversary Warning

Hey guys, this one is going to be REALLY flippin' long, so you might want to go to the bathroom now. Maybe you should even go twice if you think it would help. But anyway, this next message out to explain my recent disappearance from duty. I won't be offended if you don't read it all at once. Hell, I won't even really know if you read it at all. I'm not going to quiz you or anything silly like that. So it's there if you want it. I hope you find it more fun than annoying. I was tempted to edit it when I discovered how long it was, but then I figured something along the lines of "Fuck it." And for you new kids out there, the entire message is laced with references to past quotes, so if you don't get something, just assume it was funny and move on. Anyway, here you go troops, just for you...