A Kind of Wood

WOW!! I had 42 messages since I last checked this thing less than 24 hours ago. And I've been corrected, it apparently is legal to abort in the third trimester in most states. Just thought you should know. And Chris, actually sororities and female fraternities are two completely different things. I have no idea how or why, but they are. I found out something that you shouldn't do and I thought I'd let you all in on it before you make this mistake. Never rub Mineral Ice or Ben-Gay on your shoulder and then rub your eye before washing your hand. That just stings a lot. It feels like the equivalent of using a Hall's menthol cough drop that's been half sucked for a contact lens. Basically, just don't do it.

Well, thank you all who wished us a happy anniversary, and thank you for the lovely card Kristen. What it lacked in actual cost, it made up for in spelling errors. Well, I added a new member to the list and he's already the quotemaster of the day. He shares a common belief with a few of my ex-girlfriends (no names will be mentioned)...


Quote Of the Day 9/30

"Monogamy? Isn't that a kind of wood?"
-Eddie



I always thought it was a board game.


Giving myself an eye massage,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Enough About Unborn Fetuses

Hello faithful followers. For those of you I haven't told yet, today (10/1) is the 6 month anniversary of Suzanne and me. We are now into our third trimester. If our relationship were a baby, we'd be illegal to abort now. We'd also be starting to show a little in our mother and you'd be able to hear us kick.
Well, enough about unborn fetuses, let's talk about volleyball (the transition is almost natural). Our intramural teams have both made the playoffs, and regardless of the outcome of the Screaming Crickets game on Friday, we're the top seed in our division. Extendo's standings, however, are up in the air. If we win the rest of our games, it is feasible that we'd be seated first, but only if we pummel our opponents. Otherwise, we're a pretty secure second place. Not that any of you out there care, but I had to chime in at least once a week with an update.

Well, today's quote will be dedicated to Suzanne and my relationship because Chris Swanson saw it fit to be a smart ass at the right period of time...


Quote Of the Day 9/27

"Wow. So Suzanne and you are still together. That's pretty cool. You've outlasted most people's predictions. And frankly, I've lost a lot of money on it."
-Spelunker Swanson


HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SWEETIE!!!


Kicking back at the fetus of life,
Mr. Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Sorority Initiation

First of all, I'd like to make a correction on the last quote of the day. It should have been the quotes from 9/24 & 9/25. Turns out I'm further ahead than I thought.
Well, it seems I've struck a nerve with that frat and girl frat thing. First of all, I'd like to tell the three of you that responded to me privately, that I know a "girl frat" is really called a sorority. And one more thing, I am just poking fun at the system. No need to start any frat/anti-frat wars. I know you don't literally "buy your friends." It's more like renting them for four years. And I've never really had to had people vote on whether or not they wanted me to hang out with them either. Though maybe we should start doing that. I've also never been a boy scout, though most of the people I know who were, have since grown out of it. And paying money to go towards the national chapter fee is equivalent to paying money to be called a ZBT and so on. And we all know what goes on at those "socials" that the frats throw. Ask Barnes. But like I said, I'm only kidding here. I don't condone or condemn farts or sobrieties. I just make fun of everyone. I'm an equal opportunity offender.

But since we're on the topic, I'll bring up a conversation Mark and I had the other night as part of our female-bashing conversation.


Quote Of the Day 9/26

Mark: "Sorority girls suck even more, don't you think?"
Me: "Yeah, it's part of their initiation."


Please remember that "only kidding" clause I mentioned earlier. No need to break out the heavy artillery.



Trying to find my way through the great maze of corn,
Screaming Cricket.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Bad Advice for Kids

Don't ask me what that last message was. If you stop watching your fingers for one second, they'll betray you. So I apologize. I also apologize for my being an entire week behind, but still, it's further ahead than I am in any of my classes. I'll stop bringing that up as I'm sure you're all sick of me saying it.

For those of you who don't know, I worked at a day camp this summer. And let me tell, you, I never wanted to leave Camp Wonderfun. It is the greatest possible job a person could have. I played kickball with kids all day and swam in a pool for hours and made $8.50ish an hour after taxes. I challenge you to find a job that lucrative where all you have to do is make sure kids have fun. Unless they're being bad. Then you have to make them do push ups or six inches or put them in time out. But only wussy counselors put the kids in time out. Real counselors make them jog around the field 3 times. So anyway, I spent my summer as a hired pedophile and enjoyed every minute of it.
Mr. Jason, a co-counselor who doesn't really play by the rules all the time, was sitting by the pool with me on a fine summer afternoon. As usually happens, a crying 4 year old came out of the baby pool and walked up to Mr. Jason: "Um, um, Mr. Jason? Brian hit me."...


Quote Of the Day 9/23

"So, hit him back."
-Mr. Jason


Of course we know Mr. Jason was kidding, but Alex didn't. 2 minutes later, Brian comes out of the pool crying to Mr Eric (another counselor): "Um, um, Mr. Eric? Alex hit me."...


Quote Of the Day 9/24

"Tell you what. You can both hit Mr. Jason."
-Mr. Eric


As you guessed, Mr. Jason was hit by two 4 year olds. To this, Mr. Eric was thrown in the pool. I denied any involvement.


Testing the boundaries of child abuse,
Mr. Whistlehead.


Still Standing Right Here...

Repressed Laughter

Hello. I'm finally caught up to this week at least! Hey, I need to tell you guys that something happened to me in class Monday that hasn't happened to me since high school. I was in a really long boring lecture death class sitting next to John and I did something so insignificant and unimportant to the story that led John to giggle a little. I laughed at the fact that he giggled at such a silly thing and for the next ten minutes, John and I experienced something we've all experienced in class before or while your mother is yelling at you or something: we couldn't stop laughing. The teacher was still lecturing and we were doing our best to try to control our laughter so as to not attract attention to ourselves. But everytime I started to regain control of my body, John would release a slight nasal blurt and I would be gone again. I even tried reading my text to try and stop laughing, but nothing was working. I tried so hard to repress my laughter my eyes were watering. People around us wanted to know what was so funny and we told them nothing. Because it really was nothing. It finally ended when I tried so hard to repress a laugh, that it burst full force out of my head. I tried to play it off as a cough, but when the teacher asked if that was a laugh or a cough, I couldn't lie with John sitting right next to me giggling till his head was red. So I said both. Well, that was a little excitement in our 3 hour Monday night class.

You know, rooming with Billy makes quote of the day so much easier. I could probably have a quote of the day and a Billy of the day if I so desired. Well, this came up in a conversation with Mark about why bestiality wasn't natural (don't ask)...


Quote Of the Day 9/23

Mark: "Guy and a dog, can't make a kid."
Billy: "Yeah, but they can make a cat."



And we let Billy experiment with test tubes.


Love, pink hats, and volleyballs,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Reffing Philosophies

Howdy do, everybody? Just taking advantage of some extra time to get caught up in my work. I'm still 3 weeks behind in 3 of my classes, but I need to catch up to the quote of the day. I have my priorities straight.
Well, for those of you who don't know, intramural volleyball has started again and the Screaming Crickets and Extendo are still out there. So far, the Crickets (coed team) are atop their division at 2-0, while Extendo is the only team in our division who hasn't played yet. If you are in the mood to see good volleyball and cheer on your favorite pink-hatted friend and 6 or so of his close friends, Extendo (men's team) plays at 1:00 tomorrow (Wednesday), and the Screaming Crickets play at 3:00 tomorrow. Tomorrow, Extendo is playing C-Bass who have been talking shit since before I knew them and are currently 4-0 with 4 decisive victories. At any rate, any support will be appreciated.

Speaking of volleyball, I reffed my first three games last Friday. I was the up ref for two and the down ref for one. I could do the up ref pretty easily, but I wasn't sure of the down ref's (or second ref's) duties. So I was a little timid blowing my whistle. Midway through the first game, I asked Tony, a friend of mine on the volleyball club team if I should be blowing my whistle, or if I should leave it up to the up ref...


Quote Of the Day 9/20

"Yes, blow. Blow! When in doubt, blow!"
-Tony


That's what I keep telling Suzanne.

Sleeping on the couch tonight,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Pranked!

Hello again all. It's your slightly behind in his time management dose of daily pleasure. Well, I'll refrain from completely demeaning third north by bragging about the flogging as I'm sure they feel defeated enough. I'm sure that the more mature one's will get over it and still hang out while the rest of the floor will keep pretending they don't see me (like that's possible). But for those who don't know, our floor (third south) challenged third north to a little sports competition. We won all the sports, but even cooler was the prank(s) we pulled on them beforehand. We went through the trouble of cutting out over 100 or so feet in the shape of 3S for third south and put them all over the hall as if we walked all over them. But even cooler was the other prank we pulled. We got 30 helium balloons and wrote stuff like "Third South Rules" on them and hung one outside each person on third north's window. Unfortunately, a third northian spotted them and ripped down our feat (and feet) before anyone could appreciate it. But we did it, and I'd like to see them try and top it. (Note the pun: top it)

Anyway, while coloring in those 100 feet, things got a little confusing and a little hectic in the room and at one point Brigid said (and I retorted)...


Quote Of the Day 9/19

Brigid: "Where's my other foot?"
Me: "At the end of your other leg."



History has been rewritten. The south won the war.


And I know Ryan can't stand it,
The Pink Knight.


Still Standing Right Here...

What's the Rush

Hi all. I've got a little behind in my work, as you've probably noticed, so I'm going to try to rush and catch up. And that reminds me, it's greek pledge time. You can tell by all the not-so-erasable chalk all over campus. It's all rather annoying to me. And I have a confession to make that I don't think I ever really told everyone (no, Suzanne, I'm not gay). I had no idea to "rush" meant to pledge a frat (or girl frat). So long ago, during my freshman year, I saw a whole bunch of signs on the ground saying "RUSH." And so I thought that the band RUSH was coming to UMBC. I got excited and started asking people if they were going. They of course had no idea what I was talking about. And after I found out that it wasn't the band, I thought maybe Rush Limbaugh was big on campus (not in the spatial sense). So I finally found out that it meant to join a frat (or girl frat), and I just never remembered that until now. And another thing I thought of in this vein is the actual word "rush." It implies that if you want to be in a frat, you have to do it quickly. If you miss the deadline, you are no longer allowed to be their friends. So hurry and join a frat before it's too late. This also gives new meaning to that Paula Abdul song that I never much liked in the first place anyway.

Alright, I've wasted enough of your time, and more importantly, I've wasted enough of my time, so I get to busyness, okeydokey. The following quote is one of many that came from a night of good old fashion female bashing, a favorite past time of mine until recently. So everybody get in that cynical kind of comical gender bashing mood, because Mark certainly was:


Quote Of the Day 9/18

"There ought to be a law against women. I don't know what it should be, but there should be one. That would be cool."
-Mark Asplen (Head of the women coalition on campus)


I couldn't have said it better myself. Of course, I probably wouldn't have said it at all.


It's all Greek to me,
Fish.


Still Standing Right Here...

Ants Marching and Maching

For those of you who don't know, the day before I came back to school, I went to see Dave Matthews with Suzanne, Courtney, and Carl. We had fifth row seats and it was very worth it. I mean, they weren't the Pimp Daddies, but they were still pretty good. Experiments in rhythm and second-hand smoke ran rampant throughout the night. My favorite part of the actual concert was the violinist that just stood there the entire time until it was his turn to get up to do his thing. And he went wild. His bow zoomed back and forth and his dreads flopped all around his head as he convulsed in rhythm. I could have done without the 20 minute version of Ants Marching. Once the song got going, it was great, but to get the crowd excited, somebody thought it would be a good idea to play the first two measures of the song for 10 minutes kind of teasing the audience. The drunk people (90% of the crowd at this point) didn't seem to mind because they had no idea the song wasn't progressing forward. Among other highlights of the night was the guy who sat right in front of us and threw up and passed out before the first number started. And the couple who was making out so explicitly, the guards had to go break them up. All in all, it was a rather fun night, though I think maybe I want Too Much. I don't know. What Would You Say?
OK, now that I'm done my rant, I also want to tell everybody that if they'll be here Friday night, The Pimp Daddies and Everyday @ Six are playing in Baltimore, and I'm going to go see them. Both bands come highly recommended by me. So if you want to go possibly, let me know.

If any of you know Jason, you know he's funny and a nice guy. You probably also know that he talks with a certain southern draw/slur. And anyone who knows somebody who speaks like this will be able to appreciate this. He said a sentence to me once and all of his words just ran completely together. I must have looked at him with such a confused face. He then said to me...


Quote Of the Day 9/17

"Let me separate that into individual words so you'll be able to understand."
-Jason Corns (the last name gives it away)



It's a Pimp Daddy Day!!!


The Honorary "Pink-Daddy,"
Screaming Cricket


Stillstandingrighthere...

Good News, Bad News

Hi again. I'm finally caught up to this week. So just plan on getting a few quotes of the day in rapid succession. Alright, this one's a quickie, so here goes:


Quote Of the Day 9/16

"Something in here smells like fiberglass. Of course it may be the SHARDS IN MY LEG!!!"
-Carl (to Billy)


Good news and bad news: Good news-No one got hurt. Bad news-Billy was one of the people who didn't get hurt.


Surfing without a net,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Billy and the Jetski

Hello again faithful followers. I'm sorry again that your trusty leader has again fallen behind in his work, but those veterans of the list should not be too surprised. At any rate, I hope everybody survived Friday the 13th. I actually didn't know it was Friday the 13th until halfway through my French class. That's about when she handed out the quiz I wasn't prepared for. As far as bad luck goes though, I know a couple people who had their Friday the 13th a day late:

Billy, Jen, Carl, Jason Varga, Joe (friend from home), and I all went Jetskiing early Saturday morning. To make a long story short, while pulling in close to one another to talk, Carl shut his Jetski off and drifted, while Billy headed straight for him, of course forgetting to shut off the engine. And so Billy coasts closer and closer, until eventually a wave brings the jet boat up so high in the water, that when it came down upon Carl's Jetski, it left a hole all the way through a really thick fiberglass exterior. Carl was forced to go back in and Billy, Jen, and I headed in with the jet boat. Only the jet boat wouldn't go above 2 miles per hour, so it took us 45 minutes to get back. We were wet and freezing as it was very cold that day. And we finally got back to change, and anyone else ever in this position would appreciate what we all felt:


Quote Of the Day 9/13

"It feels good just to be naked."
-Billy Keneival


Sorry for the long intro, but I thought you all needed to know.


Standing naked in a parking lot,
Dustin


Still Standing Right Here…

French Socks

Bonjour! Or for all of you who don't speak French, Hello, you inferior American scum! Anyway, I want to point out one hopefully unlikely error that Joe (most don't know him yet) in my lobby against the computer lab. If everybody gives them pennies, then somebody who gives them a $50 bill might piss them off enough to give them 4992 pennies back for change. But hell, I'm willing to take the chance for the good of the team.

This quote comes from French class, when our teacher was trying to tell us about how different words have different thingys (not her word) in front of them to indicate male and female words, like "le chien" and "la chat" and stuff like that. So she tries to give us an example...


Quote Of the Day 9/12

"Socks have sex. Let me rephrase that. Socks have gender."
-Carrie


So that's what they do when we close our underwear drawer!! No wonder I always have one leftover when I do the wash!


Going barefoot from now on,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Cookie Talk

Good morning everyone and thank you all for your responses. I love all of you. But not at the same time. That would be painful. Anyway, I would like to point out an error yesterday that I made. I said something like "...or whenever I put shorts on..." and what I meant to say was "...or whenever I put pants on..." Apologies for the grammatical error and thank John for pointing that one out.

Before I start, I have an announcement to make. Effective the 16th of this month, the UMBC computer lab will be charging 8 cents per sheet of paper printed out. This includes comp. sci. majors and long English papers too. Everything. I really hope it doesn’t include that extra sheet that always comes with it. Anyway, here's how I plan to put up sort of a stand against it. Everytime you go to print something up, pay for it in pennies. I have lots of pennies, and it would be worth it to actually go to the bank and get pennies for this purpose. Pay for it in as annoying a manor as possible. Drop them all over. Lose count. Whatever. Or pay for one or two sheets of paper with a fifty. Tell them you don't have anything less. If they resist, grab them by the shirt and whisper "REDRUM, REDRUM" at them in a really deep voice. Also, and this part is probably most important, always ask for a receipt. They have to give you one. It will annoy the people in back of you in line, but who cares? Get them to do it too. Pass on the word to everyone you know, please.

Alright, now I'll do what I came here for. I don't know if any of you are familiar with the Paul Simon song "Late In the Evening," but I listen to it often. Anyway, I was listening to it last night and I tried to sing part of the song with a cookie on the edge of my tongue. There's a line that goes "The first thing I remember when you came into my life..." and here's what it sounds like with a cookie on your tongue:


Quote Of the Day 9/11

"The first thing I rewember when you came into my wife..."
-Me


Try it yourself. It's fun.


Still crazy after all these years,
Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Back in the Saddle Again

Hello all!! Welcome back and thank you for your patience here. I apologize for the minor delay, but I thought I'd weed out all of the messages I got over the summer before I started. Well, 47 messages into my 82, I noticed a certain pattern. About 30 messages were messages from different people asking me if I'd be on-line over the summer. Well, when I get the time, I'll answer that question for the thirty of you. Another 10 were your traditional forwards from Kate and Momma Spence which have been saved to a folder named "Browse At Leisure Or Delete If Necessary." Two were wrong numbers (I guess dfishe1 is a popular user-name), three were from a newsgroup I asked to be removed from 27 times, and 2 messages were of actual worth.
As I paged through the next half or so, I kept getting more messages and it seemed my task would never be completed. Another 30 of these messages were people telling me they were back on-line. Anything with a subject of something like "funny (fwd)" was immediately marked with a "D", and still there were another 4 messages from that damn newsgroup. Also, my 6.5 credits make it hard to concentrate on anything else. But now I'm back for your enjoyment with the...















...but before I start this whole charade, I want to explain briefly to the few newcomers. I started a quote of the day a long, long time ago, and it caught on like wildfire. It has gotten to the point where if I don't do it for a while, I get hate mail. This is the same principal that explains the funny looks and derogatory comments I get when I don't wear a pink hat, or when I put shorts on. But I'm here through thick and thin doing this everloved and sometimes hated, but seldom unnoticed...















... one more thing before I start. I just wanted to welcome all the new kids and pay tribute to the few casualties to graduation that we had. There will no longer be a doctor in the house (though Capt. Sedgley will still be on the internet with us), and we have to wave goodbye to the last of the "manders" in Matt Anderson. He was only with us for a year, but DAMN HE WAS COOL! Anyway, if you know of anybody I've missed, let me know. And Kristen, before you look like an idiot, everytime you send E-mail, it says who you are, so you can stop doing that "by the way, it's Kristen" thing. :)

Alright, over the summer, I saw Suzanne quite often and one particular time, she was commenting to me on how frank I was. To this I said something like "Oh, so now I'm just a hot dog?" And that's when she said...


Quote Of the Day 9/10

"Yep. All you are is just a big wiener to me."



There are worse fates in life.

The apparently well endowed,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...