Quick Inside Slant: Week One

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week One:

This season began on the tenth anniversary of the tragedies of 9/11, which was the year that we can all remember as the year the terrorists screwed up fantasy football. Or maybe that’s just me. It was my first run at fantasy football, something I had no idea would eventually be in my job description. I joined a salary cap league with Tony and a few others I don’t even remember. I drafted Doug Flutie for cheap. He was gonna be my stud that I got for cheap. It’s important to note that this year was the year before the Texans, when there were an odd number of teams in the league. So every week, at least one team had to have a bye. The Cardinals had a bye the first week, and actually led the NFC East briefly with a 0-0 record. But the Chargers had a bye in week two, and I hastily dropped Doug Flutie late Monday night, knowing his value would go down with everyone dropping him for the bye week. I was right. But on Tuesday, the terrorists attacked and cancelled the bye week and moved it to the end of the year, thus sending Flutie’s value back up before I could pick him up again and now I couldn’t afford him. Crap. I was stuck with Jake Plummer. I know how trivial this sounds when superimposed upon the backdrop of the 9/11 tragedies, but when the players all held the huge American flag at Washington stadium, a tiny piece of me thought about that Doug Flutie salary cap tragedy, and the triumph of the American spirit.

I didn’t get to park myself in front of the TV all day Sunday morning, afternoon and night like I normally do because I had to drive 1600 miles to South Texas on Sunday (and Monday. And part of Tuesday), but from what I did see, here are my impressions of Week One:

The Mulligan Award: The Falcons are a sexy pick to make it to the playoffs again. The Bears, who I keep forgetting made it to the NFC Championship game somehow, are a sexy pick to go 8-8. Somebody needs to remind the Falcons that this isn’t Geography 105 and you aren’t allowed to drop your lowest test score. I didn’t see much of the game, but I noticed in leagues that allow you to pick up individual defensive players that Brian Urlacher outscored 29 starting quarterbacks. But it’s the first week after a shortened off-season. Just take a ball from the bag and tee it up again. And take your chapstick out of your pocket too. It can’t hurt.

Fantasy Dud of the Week: What the hell happened in San Diego? Nate Kaeding was the #1 fantasy kicker in ESPN leagues and goes out for the season on the opening kickoff in the first game? Did he not practice kickoffs in the off-season? How are you that woefully unprepared? This after I picked Garrett Hartley first last year. I am apparently the death touch for kickers.

Epiphany of the Week: Maybe it wasn’t Wade Phillips. Maybe it was the players. And this Tom Brady guy may have a future in the NFL after all.

Bullshit Call of the Week: I’ve had some wacky ideas before to help improve the game that I joke around about. Making holding only a 7.5-yard penalty and putting a top on the goalposts are among the many. But one rule I cannot stand is this fumble after the whistle bullshit. On Monday night, Knowshawn Moreno was carrying the ball and lost it before he hit the ground. HOWEVER, the ref blew the whistle and the play was dead. HOWEVER, one of the Raiders recovered the ball “clearly” after the whistle was blown. And so after review, the Raiders were given the ball.

This is a ridiculous part of football. I don’t even like re-buys in poker, but you should not be able to do anything posthumously in a football play. There was a game two years ago in the magical Saints undefeated run where this same bullshit happened against the Redskins. The Skins’ guy fumbled it and the Saints recovered it after the whistle. Though already ruled down by contact, upon further review, the Saints were given the ball and went on to win in overtime. Earlier in THAT VERY GAME, a Redskins player was given a 15-yard penalty for diving on a player who had just recovered a fumble AFTER THE WHISTLE had blown. You can’t have it both ways, refs. When you’re dead, you stay dead. Ask Waring Hudsucker.

Downward Spiral Fantasy Football League - Meet the Players

Downward Spiral Fantasy Football League - Meet the Players

You probably already got an automated e-mail from Yahoo! reminding you of your draft time tomorrow night (Thu 9/1 @ 8:30pm). Well, now you’re getting an unautomated e-mail from me. Just so it feels more real. And just so you know who you’re up against:

“DustinMadeMe” a.k.a. “Evil Joe” Experience Level: Rookie Motivation: I made him. Football History: Wavers back and forth between being a Redskins and Ravens fan. Will likely have Kelly run his fantasy team for him. Dustin History: Hosted our wedding at his house. Good guy. “Evil” nickname slightly misleading.

“Dustin Made Me Too” a.k.a. “The Wife” Experience Level: Rookie Motivation: Promised she would join if Evil Joe did. Football History: Is from Texas. Has heard of it. Makes me shut it off whenever possible. Dustin History: Still agreed to spend the rest of her life with me back in May.

“ExcessiveCelebration” a.k.a “Tone-Def” Experience Level: Beginner (played once 10 years ago) Motivation: Got married last year. No excuses anymore. Football History: Played center for the “Good Guys” men’s football team in our heyday. Was a part of the 1998 historic ZBT collapse that still apparently haunts me. Dustin History: Let me live with him for 3 years. Unsuccessfully tried to teach me how to be an adult.

“HobNoGood” a.k.a “Tom’s Better Two Thirds” Experience Level: Advanced Motivation: Needs reason to spend time away from Tom. Football History: Has been with Downward Spiral since beginning. Last in 2006. First in 2007. Streaky. Dustin History: Very little. Knows my last name. Have conversed on the facebook.

“Justincredibles” a.k.a “Six Four” Experience Level: Advanced Motivation: Habit, Apathy Football History: Has also been with Downward Spiral since beginning. Second in 2006 and 2008. Can’t win the big one. May have cheated to get my bro-in-law out of the playoffs in 2006. Strangely is a Vikings fan. Dustin History: Once almost put a hole in my floor by getting bodyslammed by two guys both weighing over 400 pounds each.

“Mike Vick in a Box” a.k.a “The Best Man” Experience Level: Rookie Motivation: Curiosity, Isolation Football History: Lives in Indy. Waited on Reggie Wayne and Marty Schottenheimer. Different days. Dustin History: I got drunk for the first time on his 21st birthday in a tent in Santé Fe. Was the best day of his life.

“P-City Allstars” a.k.a “Perpendicular Keith” Experience Level: Advanced Motivation: Doing me a favor to make an even # of teams Football History: Played safety on Touchdown My Pants for 6 seasons. Had kid. Retired. Dustin History: Let me live with him for a year. Invented 11 ping-pong paddle grips together. Bailed me out of jail.

“Pump Fists Not Gas” a.k.a “Jersey Girl” Experience Level: Intermediate Motivation: Personal rivalry, Vengeance, Seeking painless connection to Ohio Football History: Lost the last two championship games to a superior team. Dustin History: Also from east coast. Spent two tragic years in Ohio together. Besides John Trainor, the only other person I convinced to do a stand-up routine.

“Vicktorious” a.k.a “D Rec” Experience Level: I do this for my job Motivation: Introducing game to friends, Reason to make Jenn watch football, Arrogance Football History: Called Jenn in the third quarter of the Eagles/Giants game last year to go look at a house. Saw DeSean’s TD return at Outback hours later. Dustin History: Most.

“Wads of Cows” a.k.a “Boatwad” Experience Level: Intermediate, Participates regularly in live drafts, Often tries to draft players already on other rosters Motivation: Joining old friends in new league, Insatiable need for attention Football History: Hosts Superbowl parties with TV on mute. Wears Patriots jersey. Will draft Tom Brady too high. Dustin History: Owns a boat.

Try to get to the room 10 minutes early if you can in case your watch stopped 10 minutes ago. You may actually have to physically click on something that says “draft central.” It’s not hard. Or don’t worry about it at all if you plan to autodraft. But plan to delete annoying messages from me much like this one once a week or maybe never again depending on how much time I have. Good luck.

Quick Inside Slant: 8/23/11

Quick Inside Slant:
Impressions of the 2011 NFL Season by a collegiate intramural flag football legend

8/23/11

OK. Calm down people. It’s just the pre-season. Shit, there’s a legitimate quarterback battle in Washington and not because both Rex and Beck look bad. The Colts have lost more pre-season games since 2005 than regular season games. There is no tagline for that statement. Just sit back and revel in the mathematical anomaly of it. The outcome of these games certainly doesn’t matter. The only reason for the season is for fantasy coaches to evaluate talent before their league starts. And actual coaches I suppose. So please – Washington – save the hope talk for the Obama reelection campaign. Don’t put too much stock into these things. Unless you’re an Eagles fan. Then you can shit your pants just a little.

What the NFL games taught us this week:

· New York Jets/Houston (from 8/15) – Even when Rex says boring company line shit, he gets the lead on NFL Live.

· Philly/Pittsburgh – If Mike Vick plays like this all season, people will start to remember the dog thing a lot more vividly.

· New England/Tampa Bay – The Patriots probably only need one day of training camp to be even with the rest of the NFL.

· Washington/Indianapolis – The Colts have lost more pre-season games since 2005 than regular season games. I felt I needed to mention this again.

· Carolina/Miami –SportsCenter does a really good job of fooling people into drafting Reggie Bush way too high in fantasy leagues.

· Detroit/Cleveland – I might give the Browns a shot at a dark horse wild card berth if they weren’t in the same division as the Red Sox and Yankees.

· Arizona/Green Bay – We all know Kevin Kolb was overpaid, but can you really put a price tag on hope?

· Kansas City/Baltimore – I just found out that Kansas City made the playoffs last year. Huh. How about that?

· Atlanta/Jacksonville – Jacksonville is a close second to Denver for the team that will most likely start three different quarterbacks sometime this season.

· Tennessee/St Louis – Dear Chris Johnson, You’re fucking up everybody’s fantasy drafts. Stop it. Sincerely, Touchdown My Pants.

· New Orleans/Houston – OK Houston. I’m back on the bandwagon. Again.

· Oakland/San Fran – Two men were shot in the parking lot after this game. That’s probably how I would feel if I had to watch the whole thing.

· Buffalo/Denver – #1 selling jersey, #3 quarterback. Seriously, can we stop talking about him now?

· San Diego/Dallas – If the kickoffs were moved up 5 yards last year, San Diego may have won the Superbowl.

· Cincinnati/New York Jets – Plaxico Burress looks to be in playing shape again while the Bengals have shot themselves in the foot this year.

· Minnesota/Seattle – If I was Tavaris or Sidney, I’d have tried to sneak back on the Viking’s plane after the game.

· Chicago/New York Giants – Terrell Thomas, Giants star cornerback and leading tackler last year, tore his ACL and will miss the entire 2011 season. In related news, a cornerback led the Giants in tackles last year.

Seriously, two men were shot in San Fran after the game because of their adverse opinion of which is the better team of the two. I don’t know why anyone would want to go to a game anymore. I don’t like to risk getting beer spilled on me, let alone death. Thankfully, this philosophy also falls in line with my philosophies of being cheap and not leaving the couch.

Our Fan-niversary

Our Fan-niversary

It has always been my belief that couples should not consider themselves official until they’ve endured at least one entire NFL season (two if you’re a Redskins fan because November and December don’t count). Well, as of Sunday around 10:30pm, Jen and I became an official couple. This is great news, mostly for her. Because now it means that football season is over and I have to take down all my Eagles blankets and banners and bar stools (no I don’t, but I wish I did). But it also means that we’ve endured the toughest stretch that a relationship can go through. Though being snowed in with each other for 6 straight days is proving to be an unexpectedly grueling challenge.

It didn’t always look like we were going to get here either. We started dating around playoff time last year (early January) but things didn’t get serious until I moved in sometime around draft day (mid-April). I know. I work fast. I warned her then but I don’t think she understood the magnitude of my addiction. There were some hiccups around August when pre-season games started popping up on the TV and fantasy drafts took up a couple weekends. But then the real season started. I don’t know that I saw her for the first four weeks.

See, I’m a Philly fan and before any of you say anything, I did not personally electrocute any dogs – so cut that shit out. Living down here in Redskin territory means that I have to leave the house to watch the game. I was out of the house so many Sundays in a row, Jen thought I had found religion. And that’s not an unfair parallel to draw. I would get dressed and attend every mass every Sunday afternoon at Our Lady of the NFL. We pray to the Holy Roller, the Music City Miracle and the Immaculate Reception, Amen.

And every Sunday, we had the same conversation. “I’m out at the bar… Because the game’s on… No, it’s not on at home... Yes, I know we get 8,000 channels, it’s not on any of them… No I can’t… Because there’s a game on after that and another one after that. I told you all this shit back in April – you said you’d be cool!” 17 weeks and I think we had a similar conversation at least 13 times and she was in the Ghaza Strip for 3 weeks.

Then she’d ask why we couldn’t do anything Monday if the Phillies already played. And yes, she called them the Phillies more than once. And guys, why do we have to watch the Monday Night games, even when it’s Cleveland and Oakland? Because we have Zach Miller on our fantasy team and we still need 8 points to win our matchup. That was the part that almost got the locks changed.

But we shot the gauntlet and made it through. So many other couples have failed. Not us. But it wasn’t easy. Getting grilled on politics and religion by her father the day we met was a cakewalk compared to these last 5 months. So congrats to us. Now that we’ve officially made it, she’s saying something about a ring. I assume she was talking about the Superbowl. I know. She’s great.

Oh, and ladies. If you’re one of those gals who thinks that your relationship is fine because your boyfriend doesn’t like football, well then he’s gay. And isn’t this a shitty way to find out.


Still Standing Right Here...

QOTD credits: Kevin Hershey – (Fanniversary, see comments below)

The Hierarchy of Dorkdom: The 7th Day of Giftmas 2009

The Hierarchy of Dorkdom: The 7th Day of Giftmas 2009

So I feel I need to make a small addendum to my recent post about fantasy football. See, I started playing Magic the Gathering in college. I understand that some people thought it was dorky and I was willing to accept that. After all, I also played football and talked to girls. Of course I did wear a pink hat and didn’t drink. I can understand why I confused a lot of people.

So anyway, I played Magic in college. My friends who played Magic also played Dungeons & Dragons, known in and out of the dork world as D&D. I was willing to sacrifice the social status that I would lose playing Magic because I liked it. I did not have the same passion for the much dorkier D&D. After all, I also played football and talked to girls and I could ill afford the D&D hit to Social Dustin status. Let’s just forget for the moment about that pink hat thing again.

So I had a conversation with my old roommate, John, about how I met somebody who did this live role playing thing. Instantly, he and all of his entire campaign of fictitious elves and wizards laughed a loud chuckle and told me that LARPers, or Live Action Role Players, were dorks. It was amusing to me to hear someone I considered a dork calling another group of people dorks. And I was telling this to a friend of mine who I play fantasy football with, who started laughing at this Magic-playing dork talking about these other dorks. The argument that Magic is a strategy game and in no way do I ever pretend to be a fire-breathing goblin was lost on him. And I’m sure somewhere, there’s a poker player laughing at that dork. And this is when I realized there aren’t just dorks and cool people. There are levels to dorkdom and a hierarchy to which we perceive each other as dorks based on our gaming preferences (the fact that I even used the word “gaming” bumps me up to a 3 on a dork scale from 1-10).

So there is a dork hierarchy and at the top of this hierarchy, we have professional lumberjacks and Bear Grylls. And at the bottom, we have Furries. For those of you that don’t know – first of all, congratulations. That makes you that much cooler. But Furries are people who dress up like animals and go into a park at night and all have sex with each other. I know what you’re thinking. Dorks.

So provided that you don’t go into the park at night dressed like Fozzy the Bear looking to do it prairie dog style and you also don’t skydive onto glaciers in your boxers, you likely fall somewhere between 1 and 9 on the dork chart. Where exactly that is likely is exactly where you think it is. Plus 2 or 3. And maybe one day, I’ll make that chart. But that would add another level of dorkiness I can ill afford, as I’m currently planning a date to play Munchkin with a couple 30-year-old men.

Touchdown My Pants: The 5th Day of Giftmas 2009

Touchdown My Pants: The 5th Day of Giftmas 2009

There are a lot of things in my life that I’m more proud of than I probably should be. Being able to diagnose my own injuries without seeing a doctor; knowing what porn sites contain viruses and pop ups; and being able to tell the difference between the Jonas Brothers to name a few. At the top of the list, however, is my fantasy football prowess.

For those of you who don’t know what fantasy football is, it’s basically D&D for people who make fun of the people who play D&D. We make our own team of NFL players and score points based on how well they perform each week. See, it’s totally different. And then we talk shit about our teams to each other like we had something to do with their success. It’s the last refuge of the unathletic. And it works with almost 100% success. Whereas you used to have to be athletic to brag about your sporting prowess, now you can stay connected by studying real athletes on the internet and television. Congratulations, America.

But this season marks a first. Touchdown My Pants (my fantasy team) won the fantasy championship which means I will actually get money for all the hours I poured into studying these real athletes. And so Jen and I went to Outback last night and I splurged on the 12 oz. rather than the 9 oz. that I normally get. It was still just meat loaf, but I was content. And we cheersed each other and proclaimed loudly “Here’s to Touchdown My Pants!” An elderly couple near us turned red. Three guys at the table across from us bought us a couple shots. The waitress gave us a free dessert. Thank you, Joshua Cribbs for your timely kickoff returns.

Re-Quote of the Day 12/21/06

“Fantasy football is like Dungeons & Dragons for guys who used to make fun of Dungeons & Dragons in high school.”

-Dave Bradshaw

He admittedly stole this from a comedian, but we can’t think of who, so Dave gets a point for now.

Ho-ho!

Santa’s ding-dong.

Still Standing Right Here…

Achilles and the Ravioli

Achilles and the Ravioli

I have reached a certain apex of self-pity. I hope. If it's still going up, I'm gonna have to blow my whole paycheck on new shoes and hot fudge sundaes just to get through the weekend. Just after my surgery, my mom took me up to PA to mother me in my time of need. I was actually kinda upset she was taking me away from my digital cable, MarioKart, cable modem and air conditioned apartment with a bed to go all the way back home for a week, but she's my mom and I love her, so I let her. She brought me food, played games with me and got me stuff when I asked. There were spans of probably 24 hours when I literally didn't leave the couch. It was necessary to recover, but boy was I glad to be back to the life of luxury again. That is, until I found myself crawling across the livingroom floor on my stomach with a plate of ravioli and a glass of milk. Even if nobody's around, it's a pretty humiliating and humbling experience.

People are asking me if I feel like I'll be OK to play volleyball next semester. That would be cool, but right now, I'm just looking forward to being able to get a glass of water into my bedroom without it being such a project. To be able to go down a flight of stairs without getting really nervous. To be able to try to finally get out of the occasional parallel park job on a level road. And the surgeon told me I'd be able to start walking on it with my brace on in the next few days. This chick is full of crap! She must have no idea what kind of pain I'm in. I don't think she knows what she's doing. She probably tied a bungee cord between my foot and calf muscle. Shit, I don't know. Stretch! That's all I got to say.

Well, I was trying to help out Good Joe with his fantasy football team this year, because he's been busy making cars and money and mud for the past few months. I told him that this guy named David Akers from the Eagles was a good pick because he was the cheapest starting kicker in the league and you don't want to go wasting your money on a good kicker because they hardly get you any points anyway. His response was something along the lines of "yeah, but do you think the Eagles are ever gonna get the ball past midfield..."

Quote of the Day 8/31/00

"In fact, can we pick punters."

-Good Pele


Trust me. It's funny to fantasy football people. A little.

Don't call me gimpy,

Gimpy.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Dueling Fantasies

Dueling Fantasies

Hey everybody. I just thought I'd drop you a line to say that I'm still alive and still plan on tackling another season as the Quorax to all of you faithfulish subscribers. Sorry I fell behind recently, but I had a girlfriend for a week, I was in New Jersey for a week, and I don't really have a good excuse for last week. Let's just say I was trapped under something heavy. But all things considered, I'm back, I hope. Hey, I decided to try this fantasy football league thing for the first time. It looks pretty fun. If anybody is interested, let me know before next Sunday when games start and I'll tell you how to join. On a surprisingly related note, Mike and Tony were having a conversation over AOL and here's a little snibbit of it:

Quote Of the Day 6/5/99

Tonedef6: "You a chess fan? "
MJConover7: "I'm in a Fantasy League, but that's it. "


I get Kasparov. He does the musical numbers really well.


Rook for a rook,
Mr. Bishophead.


Still Standing Right Here...