Steal Resolve: The 11th Day of Giftmas 2009

Steal Resolve: The 11th Day of Giftmas 2009

I was born on New Years Day 35 years ago, which makes me almost 28. So New Year’s resolutions have a little more meaning to me, as does New Year’s Eve and everything else that comes with the turning of a new year. For many years, I took great pride in getting together with Mike, Joe and Kevin every year on New Year’s Eve – whether in Baltimore, Boston or Edinburgh – so I could bring in the New Year with my best friends. Or maybe it was just habit. Or maybe I was just trying to cling onto a part of my life when I was actually happy while turning the page on not just a year, but an age. Or maybe they are my best friends and I try to use my birthday as an excuse to guilt them all into getting together. That sounds more like me.

I am one of the saps that makes New Year’s Resolutions though. And I’ve managed to keep a few of them too. My most proud accomplishment was giving up soda for all of 2006. With the exception of whatever they squirted in the top of a Long Island Ice Tea. I noticed I was going through a 30-pack of coke a week, which isn’t healthy or cheap. And guess what happened? Yep. I replaced it with beer and liquor. This was not any cheaper and cannot have possibly been any healthier. But I did it, nonetheless.

So now I’m back to about a 30-pack a week. But at least it’s diet coke. So I was going to try to do it again. And then I got the itch on Jan 2nd. And so I chugged a 6-pack of Yuengling. And a fifth of tequila. And did a line of cocaine. This is when I decided to take a different approach. So what I’ve decided to do is make a deal with myself. For every day I write one of these rants/stories/whiny diatribes and upload it to my website so that the five of you can read it, I’m allowed to have soda. Kind of an incentive laden contract, if you will, rather than a denial just for the hell of it. So instead of depriving myself of diet coke and getting drunk every night, I’m using my addiction to caffeine for the forces of good. Or at least for the forces of updating my blog. For the moment, we’ll call it good. Until I start to upload sentence fragments daily just to fuel my addiction. It’s only Jan 18th and I’m already 13 uploads in the hole.

Just to clarify, I don’t need any help uploading anything into my hole. Thanks for the offer, Russ.

4/11ths Life Crisis: The 6th Day of Giftmas 2009

4/11ths Life Crisis: The 6th Day of Giftmas 2009

I’ll be honest. I woke up crying today. Apparently that’s natural for people who turn 35. It’s also natural at this age to, no matter how long you shake it out at the end, have a little bit of pee drip out when you pull your pants up at the urinal. Don’t fight it; embrace it. Fall in love with denim. But anyway, I did a little research yesterday and found out that Paul Reiser was 35 when he came out with Mad About You. Now I know this is just the first day of the year, but I don’t think I’m on pace to even have a pilot episode of my sitcom ready by the end of 2010. I’m probably more likely to get my pilot license.

So I started to think about how I meant to do something with my life by now. I should have been Paul Reiser by now. Even just his earlier stuff from Aliens and Beverly Hills Cop would have sufficed by 35. Heck, I’d even settle for Greg Evigan’s career (the other father from 2 ½ Dads). But instead, I’m toiling around in the obscurity of the Greater Columbia Stand-up scene at best, forcing intellectual humor on people who want dick jokes 5 minutes at a time. So what the hell happened?

Well, in the midst of my crying fit a couple hours ago, I figured something out. I don’t know Paul Reiser. I don’t know his life. The real guy I fell in love with was Paul Buchman, his character on Mad About You. The one married to Helen Hunt (or I should say Jamie Buchman). That’s the guy I am. Every day. And Jen is my Jamie Buchman. I briefly fell victim to the Reiser/Buchman Inversion. This is what I aspired to be back in high school and college, Paul Buchman. That was my dream. Not Paul Reiser. That was a fantasy, and one I don’t even know that I’d want to live out. Though it would be nice to bang a young Helen Hunt. I still hold on to that fantasy.

So I controlled my uncontrollable sobbing with the realization that I am living out my fantasy. One of them at least. The one that involved two cats, not two hot college chicks dressed like them. And I’m not blind to the fact that this could all be justification and a poorly disguised coping mechanism, but I’m OK with that. The reality is that the alternative is spending 10-15 years of my life in poverty dedicated to busting my ass just to possibly make it in a world I’m not sure I’d enjoy – with no guarantee of success. And that’s just to give myself the best chance at success in the entertainment world. I could live out my happy Paul Buchman life and accidentally backdoor my way in anyway, maybe through this blog or forcing intellectual humor on people who want dick jokes. Who knows? And in case you didn’t recognize it, that’s the hope portion of the coping mechanism, necessary for survival at my age. That and denim.

Quote of the Day 1/1/10

“In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You’ve heard that, right? But what you don’t hear is that that’s the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.”

- Marc Maron

It only took me 2 years. Think of all the time I saved.

I don’t have the answers, I don’t have a plan,

Dustin Buchman.


Still Standing Right Here…

30 and Counting

30 and Counting

So it finally happened. However long I tried to postpone it, the earth just keeps rotating at the same pace, and that is something just out of my control (actually, the earthquake forced the earth underneath itself, causing the circumference to become smaller, thus speeding up the rotation by possibly a few seconds each year, but I swear I had nothing to do with that). Yeah, so I turned 30. Nothing special. No fireworks or sirens (OK, that's a lie). But I knew it was coming, so it wasn't that big of a surprise for me. It did, however, seem to instantly make other people age before my eyes. Some reactions were of surprise: "You're 30? When the hell did that happen?", some were of disbelief: "What do you mean you're 30? Aren't you still in college?", and still others were very poignant: "So when the fuck are you going to get a real job?" Hell, I'm ready to retire. So yeah, it seemed like a lot more people were upset that I was turning 30 than I was. Like the 19-year old college chicks I've been seeing who thought I was 23. And their dads. And boyfriends. Push comes to shove, age is just a number you tell people. And sometimes, it's not even that. For example, this is the seventh straight year I've turned 23. Some people are starting to figure it out. So I'm going to need all of you to keep it under wraps. If word gets out that I'm 30, I officially become invisible to 19-yr-olds. Just a UMBC Rec Sports polo and jeans walking around with no discernable face. And that's been one of my major demographics. This includes 24-yr-olds that say they're 19 also. Cause don't think that doesn't happen. As well as the 16-yr-olds that say they're 19 (remember people, this is a "humor" article in which I "embellish" and "lie." Everybody knows I draw the line at 17.) So the way I figure it, if you average the age that I act, the age that I feel, the age that I tell people I am, the age my birth certificate says I am, and the age my body parts think I am, it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 30. And that's good enough for me. All apologies to everyone who didn't see this coming. I should have prepared you better.

So I was talking with Mike D about turning 30 and other such issues surrounding it. He actually gave me a little bit of hope with his theory involving the difference between hooking up with younger chicks when you are in your late 20s as opposed to when you are 30...

Quote Of the Day 1/10/05

"See, when you hook up with an 18-yr old chick in your late 20s, that's kinda wrong. But if you do it at 30, it's like an accomplishment. Something to brag about to your friends."

-Mike D, 20-something


Awesome. I needed that. No I didn't. :)

Getting old and taking everybody with me,

Extendo 30.0.


Still Standing Right Here...

I'm Back! Again.

I'm Back! Again.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been 3 months since my last quote. In that time, I have taken the Lord's name in vain probably close to 400 times and I've masturbated about that many times also. I did not covet thy neighbor's wife, but I did check out her ass for probably an uncomfortable period of time. I don't believe that I have born false witness against my neighbor, but I'm not really sure what that means, so I guess I may have. I also stole this pink slap bracelet from a store. I actually did that back in 1992, but I haven't really told anybody about it until now. So yeah, please forgive me for my sins father.

Sorry I keep getting lost in the shuffle for months at a time. You missed my exciting summer of day camp drama again. I've heard I'm actually funnier when I'm stressed out and pissed off. And I'm willing to make the sacrifice for the greater good! Actually, the reason I got inspired to start this up again is this conversation I had with this chick at Howl at the Moon. It went something like this:

Random Chick: "...I'm actually a big fan of comedy."
Excited Dustin: "Well, I happen to write a daily e-mail humor column."
Interested Chick: "Really?! What did you write about today."
Nervous Dustin: "Actually, I didn't write anything today."
Confused Chick: "Well, what did you write about yesterday?"
Back to the Wall Dustin: "Actually, I haven't really written anything in 3 months."
Less Interested Chick: "So you USED to write a humor column."
Lying Dustin: "No... I still do."
Uninterested Chick: "It doesn't really sound like you do."
Desperate Dustin: "Well, sometimes, things aren't exactly like they sound."
Mean Chick: "Kinda like how you originally sounded interesting."
Pissed Off That He Was Caught In a Lie Dustin: "And kinda like how you originally sounded cute."

OK, it didn't happen exactly like that, but it made me want to start it back up, if for no other reason than I might have a shot with a chick someday. And to try to battle the laziness factor, I'm going to try to adhere to a weekly quote schedule that will be as follows:

Monday: Freestyle rant about anything - This is where I can really talk about anything. I figure at least one funny thing will happen over the weekend that I can rant about. Or I can just make some shit up. But anyway, that's Monday.

Tuesday: Ratings - This is fun. This is where I can rate anything. Like I can rate my nicknames, the time zones, songs about women's asses and ways to get money illegally. But as usual, they all end in a quote just to keep the theme alive.

Wednesday: My day off - This is the day during the middle of the week that I will take off. If I get inspired, I will send a quote out on a Wednesday, but it is optional. To be honest, all days are optional, but especially Wednesday.

Thursday: Old School quote: I'm going to try to remember all the funny things people said from a long time ago that I never got a chance to put in the quote of the day. And I'll try to rehash stories from a while ago too. Anything at least a year old will be considered old school. Well, I'll at least give this a shot for a little while.

Friday: Movie review - I am going to try to rate a movie every Friday based on the Bug system, with 10 bugs being as good as A Bug's Life. It's a system I came up with shortly after seeing a Bug's Life and I'm stuck with it now. The movies might be new, they might not. In fact, they might not even be movies. And I might not even do it, who the hell knows?

Saturday and Sunday: More days off - I will use these days to try to catch up from when I inevitably fall behind during the week. So these will be the days in which I lie about what day it is.

So that's the weekly schedule, like it or not. You can plan your week accordingly now.

So today is not only my dad's birthday, but also my parent's anniversary. Happy 35th Anniversary Mom and Dad!!! They're awesome. I have definitely honored my mother and father throughout the years. Most of you already know how funny my dad is through either meeting him in person or reading this crap for the past however many years. Well, in honor of the day of his birth, I have a dad quote that he said to me earlier this summer...

Quote of the Day 9/6/04

Dad: "Hey, I saw a show the other day that I couldn't believe you weren't on."
Me: "Oh really, what was it?"
Dad: "Last Comic Standing."

He could have just said "Hey, how come you're not on that show Last Comic Standing," but that wouldn't have been dad. And when they start up a show called Last Comic Typing, I'll jump on it, I promise.

Happy Birthday Dad!
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Doing 5 Hail Marys and 3 Hey Judes,

Friar Lennon.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Birthday Hand

The Birthday Hand

Hello again everybody. Sorry if I scared you all with that last e-mail. This one shouldn't be nearly as long, painful, or interesting. It will be much more convenient for my subscribers that can't read.

Anyway, this e-mail is going to be a blatant attempt to persuade one, two or many of you to come to Vegas with me over Spring Break. I booked a room in the Luxor from Tuesday March 23rd through Friday March 26th. The room can fit four comfortably, but lots more uncomfortably. Probably somewhere around 225 honestly, but that would be pushing the uncomfortable limit. Anyway, right now Joanna and I are going, but if you are getting this e-mail, you're invited. Unless you're that 52-yr-old hooch that my colleague keeps trying to hook me up with. Actually, what the hell? Anyway, I can book a flight tomorrow for $268 round trip and the room is only $420 total for four nights. Plus, I plan on winning at least $500, so the trip should pay for itself. So anybody interested? I already asked a bunch of people and most of my college friends are already going somewhere else or aren't 21 yet. Most of my friends with real jobs don't get a random week off in the middle of March and my unemployed friends can't really afford to go. But that's why you need to win money. Some people just don't understand. So holla back if you want to come along. I'll split my winnings. Or my losings.

So if you don't play Texas Holdem, you might not get this, but trust me, it's funny. My dad was playing in Atlantic City with a friend of his and his friend stayed in on a non-suited 3-6. My dad just kinda shook his head. A few hands later, my dad folded and Billy looked at his first two cards, shook his head, showed the non-suited 3-6 to my dad, and threw his $6 in the pot. After the flop, he once again folded. So my dad turned to him and asked why he kept staying in on a non-suited 3-6...

Quote of the Day 3/8/04

Billy: "It's my daughter's birthday, March 6th. I stay in the pot to at least see the flop."
Dad: "Oh, OK. I got it now. I guess I play my son's birthday too."
Billy: "When's your son's birthday?"
Dad: "January 1st."


Get it? Even if you don't play Holdem, you should at least get it. AH, whatever.

Your 7 card stud,

Moneythroweraway.


Still Standing Right Here...