Double Feature Duel: The Brothers Bloom vs. Planet of the Apes (2001)

Double Feature Duel:
The Brothers Bloom vs. Planet of the Apes (2001)

Bout #19: A movie that Annie made me watch vs. Tim Burton’s bastardization of a franchise I’m kind of tired of watching. Any predictions?

The Brothers Bloom: Quirky, different, funny – everything I want from a Dirty Scoundrels remake. No, the entirety of the story didn’t add up completely, but I really like the characters, especially everybody except Adrian Brody, strangely. 7 bugs.

Planet of the Apes (2001): Boy did Tim Burton drive this into the ground. My guess is he just wanted to have a reason to make a bunch of slightly more ape-looking apes than the 1968 version jumping around. And he wanted it to be darker. But he didn’t necessarily want the dialogue or plot to make any sense. But it was still less painful than most of the original sequels. 3 bugs

Title: Yeah, I know. It’s a freakin sequel. But y could have done something. (Point, Brothers Bloom 1-0)

Funnier: I believe the first line in POTA 2001 was a mockery of the “Take your stinky paws off me, you damn dirty ape.” And it went over like grape juice in David’s Bridal. (Point, Brothers Bloom 2-0)

Better Turn: Well, the Brothers Bloom was full of turns, much in the style of Maverick. POTA started turning with the opening credits. Mark Wahlberg established a relationship with a chimp, went on an unsanctioned mission, got shot through a wormhole in space, crash-landed on “some strange planet” and got captured by the apes all before I even put the DVD in. But in the con game style of movie, we enjoy the constant turns, much like the teacup. Because we know they’re coming, but we don’t know when or which way. (Point, Brothers Bloom 3-0)

Better Ending: The ape version of Lincoln is Burton’s way of coming up with an ending as shocking as the original. He could have also had a huge race of apple-headed people for the same effect. (Point, Brothers Bloom 4-0)

Better Message: I really don’t feel like thinking too hard about this category and I know the stupid POTA movie is going to lose so I invoke the I’m Tired and Moving Things Along clause. (Point, POTA 4-1)

Better Acting: I take back what I said earlier. Paul Giamatti made for a rather comical ape and a bright spot in this film, possibly the only reason to ever watch it again. However, I fell in love with Rachel Weisz in this movie. And I fell in like very much with Mark Ruffalo. Rachel really played her quirky millionaire who “collects hobbies” to perfection. I have already started putting more of her movies on my Netflix queue and that’s usually a good sign. And poor Paul Giamatti has lost this category all three times he’s appeared since this started (The Illusionist, Storytelling). In fact, he’s lost all three duels. Hmm. I’m gonna have to watch Sideways again. (Point, Brothers Bloom 5-1)

More Creative: I guess there’s something to be said for random being creative. Kinda in the same way Jackson Pollack was creative. But Pollack happens to be the butt of my jokes for good reason, so any comparison to his creativity is not a compliment. (Point, Brothers Bloom 6-1)

Poster: Well, I like how they stayed true to the font of the old movie. And I kinda like the ominousity of the POTA poster. And I know it already lost so I’m not spending much time thinking about exactly which one I absolutely completely and without a doubt like better. (Point, POTA 6-2)

Watch again: No question. I’m invoking the I’m Tired and Moving Things Along clause again. (Point, Brothers Bloom 7-2)

Overall: I don’t think I gave the POTA a chance at all based on the stupid, stupid ending that is stuck in my head. I almost forgot completely about Paul Giamatti. But that should show you how bad it was. The right movie won. Winner: Brothers Bloom (7-2)

Double Feature Duel (Rd3): Planet of the Apes vs. The Nines

Double Feature Duel (Rd3):
Planet of the Apes vs. The Nines

Wow. A movie from the 60s actually got to the Elite Eight. Congratulations! I hope you didn’t pay for your hotel room tonight already.

Title: The Nines is ambiguous. I like ambiguous. Planet of the Apes is actually clever enough to throw you off of the scent. It is the first strike in a film designed to show you the left hand the entire time, while the right hand is poking you in the brain. In a good way. (Point, POTA 1-0)

Funnier: The dialogue in the middle vignette was positively delightful and Ryan Reynolds can now make me laugh by simply wearing worn-rimmed glasses. (Point, The Nines 1-1)

Better Turn: Huh. The Nines was split into three vignettes, which doesn’t usually lend itself well to turns. However, this wasn’t an average vignette-type of movie. Can you tell I like the word “vignette” yet? (Point, The Nines 1-2)

Better Ending: Not much is going to top the classic. I only wish I was around in 1968 to see it for myself. And only for that reason. Maybe to catch Hendrix in concert once, but then to hop immediately back in the Delorean. (Point, POTA 2-2)

Better Message: I’m struggling for the first time with the word “message.” Because The Nines’ strongest feature is the question it poses about creation. But is that really a message in the same way that “Don’t f@$# with nuclear weapons” is? I guess it kinda isn’t. (Point, POTA 3-2)

Better Acting: Uh-oh. Upset alert! Oh. But then there’s a category where I have to judge the acting ability of humans in fake, plastic ape masks. (Point, The Nines 3-3)

More Creative: Whatever credit I couldn’t give to The Nines for the message that wasn’t necessarily a message in the truest sense of the word, I will give here. Because it deserves the creativity points anyway, just in case my grading rubric is getting audited. (Point, The Nines 3-4)

Poster: I think this is a point that is going to a movie just because it isn’t from the 60s. Oh well. Audit that, stupid nameless auditors! (Point, The Nines 3-5)

Watch again: I may watch The Nines again even before I write up the last MvM. I should have watched it again the day I watched it the first time. Point is, it will get watched again.(Point, The Nines 3-6)

Overall: A surprising showing by POTA to be honest. I’m glad the 60s could be represented in the Elite Eight. But let’s get real, playa. Winner, The Nines (6-3)

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Planet of the Apes vs. The Invention of Lying

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Planet of the Apes vs. The Invention of Lying

Old school classic vs a movie I didn’t even know existed. Let the game begin.

Title: The title of the movie throws off the scent of the ending in Planet of the Apes, which is enough to merit a point here. (Point, POTA 1-0)

Funnier: It’s like beating up a frog that didn’t even know he was in a fight. (Point, Lying 1-1)

Better Turn: Rocky Gervais told a lie vs apes finding out Heston could talk. And in a no contest win… (Point, POTA 2-1)

Better Ending: Talk about Mariano Rivera all you want, Rod Serling is the best closer of all time. (Point, POTA 3-1)

Better Message: Planet of the Apes was a warning about nuclear war and how it could destroy humans and we may be ruled by apes. Believable, no. But neither is living in a world where a woman will sleep with you because you tell her it’s the only way to stop the nuclear attack. Trust me. (Point, POTA 4-1)

Better Acting: Well, comparing a movie largely acted by humans in ape masks to one with a bunch of stand-up comics is not the easiest job I’ve had. However, I’ll take Louis C.K. over the plastic ape-people. (Point, Lying 4-2)

Poster: Man, posters were bad back in the 60s. (Point, Lying 4-3)

More Creative: A world where people can’t lie, but for one person who randomly comes up with it. Kinda stupid, but not necessarily uncreative. But the iconic image of the Statue of Liberty at the end of POTA floored people for decades. And that’s worth a point I think. (Point, POTA 5-3)

Watch again: If the two were on cable right now and I was by myself, I’d probably watch The Invention of Lying because it was funny. If the person I was with hadn’t seen either, I’d want to show them Planet of the Apes. But because it doesn’t matter anyway… (Point, Lying 5-4)

Overall: A 7-bug movie beat a 6.5-bug movie by 1 point. It’s almost like I know what I’m doing. Winner: Planet of the Apes (5-4)

Double Feature Duel: Planet of the Apes vs. Bee Movie

Double Feature Duel:
Planet of the Apes vs. Bee Movie

Bout #9: New quadrant of the bracket, new format. Each movie gets its own mini-review as a little foreplay before the raunchy doggie-style sex that is the Double Feature Duel.

Planet of the Apes: This is the 1978 version with Charleton Heston. I already knew the ending going in (the Statue of Liberty is actually on the current movie poster for this movie – which ruins it) and I knew how fake the ape costumes were going to be. That aside, I was pleasantly surprised at how well it delivered its social commentary while maintaining a degree of real action. Putting myself back in that time and pretending I didn’t know the ending, I would say it’s worth the 29 sequels and remakes. 7 bugs

Bee Movie: This movie started out pretty bad, actually calling out its own cheesy jokes – then it got interesting – then it tried to force a moral upon us and got stupid, confusing and boring. But it was moderately funny while I was able to pay attention to it. 4 bugs

Title: I know it was based on a book, but it’s tough to go against a term that has become such a part of our culture. (Point, Planet of the Apes 1-0)

Funnier: You know Jerry Seinfeld wrote Bee Movie, right? Yeah. (Point, Bee Movie 1-1)

Better Turn: The climax of both movies was finding out that humans could communicate with the animals from the movie title. But Bee Movie kept turning and turning until it got itself lost. (Point, Planet of the Apes 2-1)

Better Ending: The discovery of the Statue of Liberty is Bruce Willis’s realization that he’s dead for its time. And then Heston went on to damn mankind for blowing each other up rather than it just stopping with “It’s a Cookbook.” And when Charton Heston does it, it just feels more manly than when Al Gore does it. (Point, Planet of the Apes 3-1)

Better Message: I think Bee Movie was trying to say that we shouldn’t take honey from bees because it’s their livelihood. I’m not kidding. (Point, Planet of the Apes 4-1)

More Creative: This is tough. I find me asking myself which of these would I be less likely to come up with. However decent a story Planet of the Apes is, I think I could have come up with the main plot points. But a bee befriending a human, along with the entire opening scene with the action in the hive can get Bee Movie a pity point. (Point, Bee Movie 4-2)

Poster: The newer version of the Planet of the Apes poster shows the Statue of Liberty but that isn’t the original, or else it would have been really anticlimactic. The original poster was bright yellow with a sketch of apes in a cage with an ugly black strip in the upper right and – anyway, it sucks. All Bee Movie posters are better than this. (Point, Bee Movie 4-3)

Better Acting: It’s tough for me to compare a movie largely acted by people in bad ape masks (who randomly and conveniently spoke English, which I just can’t let slide) to an animated movie with no live actors. But I will. And I’m not going against live actors that don’t suck. (Point, Planet of the Apes 5-3)

Watch again: I really stopped paying attention to Bee Movie once the bee sued the humans. I don’t really feel like seeing Planet of the Apes again either, but I’d rather watch its sequels than Bee Movie Too. (Point, Planet of the Apes 6-3)

Overall: 6-3. That’s as close to their bug scores as possible. The better team won. I think Seinfeld outthought himself a little too much with this one.