About Me

You guys may not know a few things about me, so I'll let you in on a few secrets. Please prepare yourselves for this.

I have 7 times the amount of white blood cells as the average human being. Viruses run fleeing from my body like grade school children out of a blazing freak forest fire. I suck the moss from rocks to get energy. My middle name starts with every letter in the word "fortress." Popes and sheiks bow down to watch me play tether ball. They all know I'm the best.
I play tiddly winks, but not for fun. Nobody does. If anybody says they do, they lie. Three fingers on my left hand are said to be above average. The other three are still growing. I singlehandedly replaced the air in my tires without a pump. My crank shaft is longer than most, but it needs a lube job badly.
Five people have honestly called me their hero. Of those, four  called in sick to work last Thursday. I was raised in a breadbasket for 14 years. Glue does not stick to me.
I can make any kind of food I want appear just by thinking about it. But only I can see it. I can turn water into ice in only 17 seconds.
Appetizers cost 20% less when I buy them. I have seven fingers on my left hand.
I sleep for only 65 hours a month, and I do it all at once on the third Sunday. And Monday. And Tuesday. I can dance and do calculus at the same time. Ducks have no idea what I'm doing.
I slept in the same bed as my grandfather once. He woke up that morning and ran a marathon by accident. I had a brother six years ago, but nobody liked him, so he left. I know the secret to Bowser's Castle.
All colors look equally good on me.
Fruit tastes better in my presence and skiers can go uphill once they have seen my instructional video. My name doesn't mean anything in twenty-three different languages. I turn women straight and men gay. And I can make a bomb from the lint that falls out of the dryer.


Quote Of the Day 9/24/98

"I'm not getting more drunk. I'm just getting more kidding."
-Yours truly, me


I have a birthmark in the shape of Gerald Ford on my ass.


Not the man,
Al.


I never sit down. I sleep on one leg.