When People Don't Believe You're Not Gay

OK. Here's the story in its necessary entirety: My freshman year, I was just learning how the whole "e-mail" thing worked. Hell, I didn't even know what a double-click was until I got to college. The most updated computer I have at home is a Commodore 64 and I'm not sure it responds to any command other than "load jumpmanjr,8,1." Anyway, I was subscribed to this massive e-mail list called "UM-list" which went to every recent graduate and faculty of my high school that had e-mail. We mostly talked about the Phillies and sent stupid forwards back and forth. Well, I was about to respond to an e-mail and had already started to type the message when I had to pee REALLY bad. John was in the room and I know he has this playful nature about him, and he's a pretty clever guy on top of that. So I told him to promise me that he wouldn't do anything, but I still didn't trust him. So I peed with the bathroom door open. I tried to peak around at him once to make sure he wasn't doing anything, but I peed all over the seat and the floor, so I had to really concentrate on the peeing thing for the next 30 seconds, and just hope he wouldn't do anything in that time. Well, I flushed, pulled up my shorts and ran back into the room to find John sitting in the same place he was when I peaked around the corner to see him. I figured he hadn't done anything, but when I checked the computer, I saw that I had just sent a message that I knew I didn't just send. So I looked at it, and sure enough, it was a message to everybody I ever knew from high school who had e-mail saying that I was gay. I quickly responded to the message telling everybody what had happened, but before I had got done typing, my track coach had already written me back telling me it was OK. That aggravated me even more. So I finished the message and sent it. The following day, I had gotten a message from my guidance counselor to the effect of, well, she thought my second message was sent because I regretted coming out in the first one. Anyway, I had to really prove to her that I liked girls, and John (ex-quote MVP and mega-putzoid) was going to pay. So I sent her those naked pictures I had of her daughter and me. That solved some problems but caused a few others.

Well, there it is. That's what happened my freshman year. John responded to the e-mail I sent about Joe saying something to the effect of "See, wasn't that fun?" And I have to admit that it was. And Joe, I have to compliment you on your retaliation. It was pretty funny. But my God! Take a freakin' English class or something. Or did you write that in some computer code you know, because I couldn't understand certain parts of that at all.

OK, this quote came from when we were playing this board game that Suzanne has called Gender Gap or something. Well, one of the questions was something about which bra would give women the most support? After everybody guessed, I said jokingly...

Quote Of the Day 4/27/98

Me: "I would think being naked would help."
Kathryn: "Being naked does nothing for you."
Desk Dude Ed: "It does something for me."


Ed being naked does surprisingly very little for me.


Don't marry for sex. You can rent it cheaper.
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...