Review of The Faculty

Well, I've just been informed that we are scrimmaging the girls basketball team again tomorrow. I worry that I'm going to embarrass myself by either A) generally sucking really bad, B) getting a cramp and falling down in pain, screaming like a ten-year-old school girl, or C) accidentally touching one of them in the boob. I told you guys my job was not totally without stress.
Hey. Instead of doing that silly little contest that didn't work because either I didn't have enough clever responses or because I took three week leaves of absence without warning, I'm gonna try to do a movie review every Friday. At least until this little phase ends. Well, I'm at least doing it this Friday. I went to see A Bug's Life with Good Joe and his dad the day before I came back down here to Maryland. Well, Joe, being the idiot that he is, drove us to the wrong theater. So we had the option to see Patch Adams or Mighty Joe Young, which Joe had already seen, Waking Ned Devine, which I had already seen (next Friday's feature), or The Faculty. So by the process of elimination, we were forced to watch The Faculty...
This movie sucked on so many levels in so many ways. I could spend entire days and max out my account's quota on the writing alone. Offspring isn't my favorite band, but I kinda like them. However, there is no way in hell a movie (with the exception of a bad student film) should open with an Offspring song and freeze frame on the six main characters with a subtitle introducing them. Within about 5 seconds, I could already tell I was going to hate this movie. I was right. It was silly and not worth seeing in the dollar theaters. It's not even worth the drive to the theater, in case you had free passes. It was tough to tell whether or not the acting was bad because the plot was so stupid, the writing was horrendous, and the camera work was completely random and shakier than the scene where Billy had to film me from the hood of my moving car. Now here's where the movie started to try to be the Breakfast Club... The jock quit the football team to work on his scholastics and to date the loner freak dresses all in black chick. The school druggy hooked up with the new prissy girl of the school and then joined the football team.(?) And the only truly likable character besides the alien was the dorky freshman (Elijah Wood), and he got stuck with the snobby cheerleader bitch. All around, it turned my stomach. I could easily simulate the soundtrack by turning on 98 Rock for two hours. The only redeeming thing about this movie was the naked blond who turned into an alien. I really hope A Bug's Life is better.

Well, when all else fails, make fun of the French. Good Joe, Mike, Teresa and I went out to dinner some night and Teresa mentioned that she was going to a movie or something. We proceeded to ask if we could go (or something like that)...


Quote Of the Day 1/8/99

"We could be your entourage. Have you ever had an entourage before? Entourage is French for 'people that stand behind you.'"
-Mikey Conover



Anybody wanna see A Bug's Life for Real?


Pointless guard,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...