Well, before things here
get out of hand, let me for the first time officially tell of the
"spamming" rules that accompany my e-mail list. I don't mind replies
to everybody provided they are funny. Now, there are several problems with this
rule. Actually, there's just one. Everybody thinks they are funny. But only
about 25% of them are right. Unless you are in that elite 25%, then I don't
really approve of any message you have to send to my peeps. And there's no real
way to know whether or not you are part of that 25%. Normally, I could say that
you could ask me, but odds are, that if you're on my mailing list, you're also
my friend. And I could never tell a friend that they just aren't funny. That's
one of the most horrible things a person can find out. It's like telling
somebody they're just not interesting. I'd rather be told by a date that I was
the ugliest guy she's ever seen than have her tell me I'm not interesting. I've
already accepted the fact that I have a less than average size penis. That was
hard enough (no pun intended). Being told that I'm not funny by a respected
comedian would crush me. So, basically what I'm saying is be REALLY sure it's
funny first before you send it out to everybody or you could be blacklisted by
the entire mailing list (and I'm sure nobody on here knows everybody else on
the list. Hell, I don't even know some of the addresses anymore). Maybe get a
second opinion or something before sending it out. Send it to me first and I'll
proofread it, maybe touch it up a bit here and there, and then send the
approved copy back to you with a Cricket Stamp Of Approval. And if it's not
funny, this is probably the wrong mailing list to forward it to. No girl is
going to be able to afford leukemia treatment just because you forwarded her
e-mail to a bunch of people. You aren't getting laid and Disney ain't sending
you $5,000 either. Sorry to burst your bubble guys.
Having said that, I give you the excerpt from a
friend's e-mail. This girl just joined the rugby team at American University.
Now this girl is so small, she gets carded trying to go see PG-13 movies and
ordering an item not on the kiddie menu at Friendly's. And she's playing rugby,
not necessarily a sport known for its smaller, more graceful athletes. Anyway,
she was describing the ball as something between a football and a basketball. She
then went on to describe the sport...
Quote Of the Day 1/26/99
"...and the game itself is kind of a cross between soccer, football, and
those ancient Greek games where they used to just throw people out into an
arena and watch them fight to the death."
-Carrie "Five foot nothing if she's lucky" Clemmer
The strategies are kind of a cross between Kill the Carrier, Mud Wrestling, and
just randomly punting the ball whenever you feel like it.
Protector of the quotes,
The Quorax.
Still Standing Right Here...
Tuesday, January 26, 1999
Monday, January 25, 1999
Half of 168
Well, I
have a lot of quotes to catch up on, so guess what guys? From now on,
Wednesdays are optional! Isn't that exciting?!? And do you know why? Because I
said so. That's a hell of a lot of power I have, you know. The quote of the day
is basically a dictatorship run by yours truly. Actually, it's more of a
tatortottership. That's a form of government run much like a three man junta,
but with a Mr. Potato Figurehead. I'm so politically ignorant, it took me about
10 minutes to come up with a sentence as unfunny as the last one to just be a
little relevant. Anyway, we're taking Wednesday off because I said so! Now
clean up your room, damnit!
Really
briefly, because I want you all to feel sorry for me, here's my schedule from
this past Monday to Superbowl Sunday...
Monday UMBC 11-5 Bennigans 5:30-1 13 1/2 hours
Tuesday UMBC 11-5:30 Bennigans 6-1 13 1/2 hours
Wednesday UMBC 11-5 Bennigans 5:30-12 12 1/2 hours
Thursday UMBC 11-5 Basketball 5:30-11 11 1/2 hours
Friday UMBC 11-4 Bennigans 4:30-11 11 1/2 hours
Saturday B-ball 11-6 Bennigans 6:30-2 14 1/2 hours
Sunday Bennigans 6-1 7 hours
That comes out to exactly 84 hours. 84 is half of 168, which is 24x7, which represents the number of hours there are in a week. In all honesty, I had to fudge with the numbers a little bit to get it to come out exactly at 84. The first draft was an hour short, so I'm forcing myself to go into work early Saturday and to stay later Sunday night just to achieve this feat. Then I'm gonna take a nap for five days. I probably could. The problem with that is that my alarm clock doesn’t have a setting for "Thursday." So I'd probably have to hit the snooze alarm every 9 minutes for 4 and a half days. Hey, whatever it takes. OK, I'm getting some sleep. This one should be self-explanatory, but it started when Julie said she was going to go to a "frat party," then proceeded to tell us it was Lambda Chi (as opposed to a real frat)...
Quote Of the Day 1/25/99
"Lambda Chi is to fraternity as Rhode Island is to state."
-Soon to be ToneDef3
Tony is to humor as Russ is to masturbation.
Desperately Seeking Sleep,
Loopy.
Still Standing Right Here...
Friday, January 22, 1999
Review of "Waking Ned Devine"
Review of "Waking Ned Devine"
Well, I'm running out of movies that I have seen recently, so it's looking like you guys are going to have to get on
the ball and start taking me out to see movies. Either that, or I'll start doing movie reviews on stuff like Shaft and C.H.U.D. Actually, my calculated free time for this coming week, having factored in jobs one through three, is less than half the week. And I'm considering sleep free time. Two waiters/waitresses went back to school and four were fired in the last week. And we were already short two more than we should be to run the restaurant correctly. So now I'm working virtually every vacant hour that I'm not at jobs number one or three. But that's not what I'm here to tell you.
Waking Ned Devine didn't suck, I'll give it that. And it didn't have to carry the burden of coming in second to A Bug's Life. We actually tried to see Waking Ned Devine and did it. Though, I was outvoted 2 to 1. I still wanted to see A Bug's Life, but already knew before I got to the theater that I wasn't going to. It was a different degree of letdownedness. Anyway, the movie had a good premise, which is what attracted me to it. A guy dies and the entire small village tries to convince the city folk that somebody else is Ned Devine. The movie started to pick up around three quarters of the way through it. I counted two particularly funny parts. And one was the very end. I'll give them credit, that was really freakin funny. In fact, it was so funny, it makes most of the people that see it leave the theaters thinking it was a good movie, and they don't realize until they get home that the movie wasn't all that exciting. Case in point, I left the theater with Mike and Good Joe and Joe was raving about how funny the movie was. I told him he was wrong. The movie was really boring, just with a really good last five minutes. To this he lost the excitement in his voice, dropped his shoulders, started to frown, and replied "Hey... you're right." Folks, if that's not proof enough for you, I don't know what is. And it did the thing that could possibly annoy me most about movies, other than overdramatized, poorly placed slow motion. It was a completely ficticious film, and it ended with text telling us what happened in the future to each character. IT'S A MOVIE!!! How the hell can I take that seriously? And the movie also had the token unnecessary sappy part. This was even more out of place than the one in Patch Adams. And by the way, I later found out that Patch Adams was based on a real story, which I knew, but I didn't know his girlfriend had died for real too. That sucks. For both me and him. Well, I'm still not adding any bugs for that fact. Speaking of bugs, I think I'm gonna give Ned and pals 4 and a half bugs for tricking us to thinking that the movie wasn't as boring as it actually was.
This quote took me by surprise, and thankfully, I had already put the Keoki Coffe down, or it might have wound up in somebody's lap. I was asking a table of three at Bennigans for their order. At the time, I had gotten to a guy who ordered a T-Bone steak. This sparked the following conversation...
Quote Of the Day 1/22/99
Me: "The T-Bone comes with two sides. What would you like?"
Guy: "I guess I'll have both the top and the bottom this time."
Hilarity ensued.
Undertaking Ned Devine,
Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
Thursday, January 21, 1999
Adolescent Boy Hair Man
Well, I was on such a
skiing high after my first time earlier this month, that I couldn't wait to go
again. Well, now Joe (Good Joe) is talking about taking a long weekend in February
and going up to New Hampshire. Sure! What the hell!?! I already have one day of
skiing under my belt, I should be fine. I'm actually trying to talk him into
going to Vail or the Swiss Alps instead. I don't think New Hampshire would be
challenging enough. And I think every double black diamond trail should have
one huge tree right in the middle. That would certainly add to the excitement
of the ride.
Since I'm on the topic, I'm gonna use a quote from the last time (and only time, in case you weren't paying enough attention) I went skiing. It's not very funny, but I already warned you guys that they wouldn't all be funny if they'd be there at all. At least this one is topical. Well, when I went skiing, we went in a group of four guys and two girls. I was on one of the ski lifts with Teresa (the girl my dad wants to bone) and it suddenly stopped. Apparently that isn't too uncommon. Whenever somebody fucks up getting on the lift, they have to stop it for a while, to avoid further deaths. Damn rookies. If you can't get on the lift, you don't deserve to have the benefit of a ride back up the hill. Just carry your skis and start hiking. Actually, those lifts are scary. I could picture somebody getting stuck trying to get on one. I mean, you're standing there and the gate opens a split second after the people in front of you get on, and you can see the seat you need to get on coming down the other side, and you have to make it out onto the loading deck with those big bulky skis on with another person beside you in like 3 seconds, or you're going to get blindsided by the side of it when it comes swinging around the turn. I could see somebody starting to trip and panicking and trying to jump out there anyway, and falling off the deck, but still trying to reach for the passing lift to both save a little embarrassment and to preserve his place in line and his right to not have to walk back up the big hill. Well, anyway, I was on the lift with Teresa when it all of a sudden stopped. I turned to her, gave her that winning Dustin look, and said in my deepest, sexiest, not-to-subtly seductive voice "Hey baby. You know... we might be up here a little while... What do you say we try to... keep each other warm?" to which she replies...
Quote Of the Day 1/21/99
"We'd have to be up here a looooooonnnng time."
-Teresa "little boy hair" Keeler
I can't account for her actual spelling of the word "long."
And I guess it's more like a winning Dustin smirk than anything.
Seeking big girly hair girls,
Adolescent Boy Hair Man.
Still Standing Right Here...
Since I'm on the topic, I'm gonna use a quote from the last time (and only time, in case you weren't paying enough attention) I went skiing. It's not very funny, but I already warned you guys that they wouldn't all be funny if they'd be there at all. At least this one is topical. Well, when I went skiing, we went in a group of four guys and two girls. I was on one of the ski lifts with Teresa (the girl my dad wants to bone) and it suddenly stopped. Apparently that isn't too uncommon. Whenever somebody fucks up getting on the lift, they have to stop it for a while, to avoid further deaths. Damn rookies. If you can't get on the lift, you don't deserve to have the benefit of a ride back up the hill. Just carry your skis and start hiking. Actually, those lifts are scary. I could picture somebody getting stuck trying to get on one. I mean, you're standing there and the gate opens a split second after the people in front of you get on, and you can see the seat you need to get on coming down the other side, and you have to make it out onto the loading deck with those big bulky skis on with another person beside you in like 3 seconds, or you're going to get blindsided by the side of it when it comes swinging around the turn. I could see somebody starting to trip and panicking and trying to jump out there anyway, and falling off the deck, but still trying to reach for the passing lift to both save a little embarrassment and to preserve his place in line and his right to not have to walk back up the big hill. Well, anyway, I was on the lift with Teresa when it all of a sudden stopped. I turned to her, gave her that winning Dustin look, and said in my deepest, sexiest, not-to-subtly seductive voice "Hey baby. You know... we might be up here a little while... What do you say we try to... keep each other warm?" to which she replies...
Quote Of the Day 1/21/99
"We'd have to be up here a looooooonnnng time."
-Teresa "little boy hair" Keeler
I can't account for her actual spelling of the word "long."
And I guess it's more like a winning Dustin smirk than anything.
Seeking big girly hair girls,
Adolescent Boy Hair Man.
Still Standing Right Here...
Wednesday, January 20, 1999
A Comedy Hypocrite
For the five or so of you
out there that don't know me well enough to know that I am a student of comedy,
there is a cardinal rule out there that I can't stand when other people
violate. It's what I was originally going to name my book. "If at the end
of a joke, you have to say 'well, I guess you had to be there,' then you
shouldn't have told the joke in the first place." The reason I'm telling
you this, is because I am about to be a hypocrite.
I was waiting tables sometime last week and I was sorta busy. Anyway, I was bussing a table and I had a few heavy plates and two really light, empty glasses on a tray that I was carrying back to the kitchen. Well, to make a long story kinda short, one of the really light glasses started to wobble and fell off the tray. I happened to be carrying the tray in front of me with both hands, so I couldn't reach down and catch it or anything. Well, my instinct when something falls out of my hands anywhere is to brace the fall with my foot. I wasn't necessarily going to try to juggle it with my feel, but if I could slow it down before it got to the ground, I figured it might not break. Well, it was a little too far in front of me to try such a delicate task. So here's what happened: the glass wobbled and fell off way far out in front of me, and I stretched out my foot to brace it, but realizing that it was too far in front of me, I lunged my foot at it, thus punting it straight into the wall, causing it to shatter into so many pieces I don't think some of the smaller pieces were considered glass anymore. My tables felt really bad for me and left me a big tip. I've been since trying to perfect this stunt. (remember, I warned you ahead of time it wouldn't be funny)
This quote came from a hell of a long time ago. Over a year ago, in fact. I found in written down on the back of a business card for some Chinese Restaurant I had never been to in my life while I was cleaning up my room. I remember it just as if it were last year. Anyway, we were standing on the sidelines of our hockey game, waiting to get in the game, and I started talking about the e-mail I had just gotten called "Girlfriend Five One." (I spelled it out for a reason) Anyway, I'm sure a few of you have gotten that e-mail. It talks about how it is incompatible with Mistress Two One and stuff like that. Pretty funny, but that's unimportant here. SO I was talking to Adam or somebody about this funny e-mail Girlfriend Five One...
Quote Of the Day 1/20/99
"What about girlfriend five two and three quarters?"
-Suzanne
I've been looking for a more current version of Girlfriend. Masturbation 5.1 gets old when you have to play it every night.
Doin the Indian boogie to a white man's song,
Screams with Crickets.
Still Standing Right Here...
I was waiting tables sometime last week and I was sorta busy. Anyway, I was bussing a table and I had a few heavy plates and two really light, empty glasses on a tray that I was carrying back to the kitchen. Well, to make a long story kinda short, one of the really light glasses started to wobble and fell off the tray. I happened to be carrying the tray in front of me with both hands, so I couldn't reach down and catch it or anything. Well, my instinct when something falls out of my hands anywhere is to brace the fall with my foot. I wasn't necessarily going to try to juggle it with my feel, but if I could slow it down before it got to the ground, I figured it might not break. Well, it was a little too far in front of me to try such a delicate task. So here's what happened: the glass wobbled and fell off way far out in front of me, and I stretched out my foot to brace it, but realizing that it was too far in front of me, I lunged my foot at it, thus punting it straight into the wall, causing it to shatter into so many pieces I don't think some of the smaller pieces were considered glass anymore. My tables felt really bad for me and left me a big tip. I've been since trying to perfect this stunt. (remember, I warned you ahead of time it wouldn't be funny)
This quote came from a hell of a long time ago. Over a year ago, in fact. I found in written down on the back of a business card for some Chinese Restaurant I had never been to in my life while I was cleaning up my room. I remember it just as if it were last year. Anyway, we were standing on the sidelines of our hockey game, waiting to get in the game, and I started talking about the e-mail I had just gotten called "Girlfriend Five One." (I spelled it out for a reason) Anyway, I'm sure a few of you have gotten that e-mail. It talks about how it is incompatible with Mistress Two One and stuff like that. Pretty funny, but that's unimportant here. SO I was talking to Adam or somebody about this funny e-mail Girlfriend Five One...
Quote Of the Day 1/20/99
"What about girlfriend five two and three quarters?"
-Suzanne
I've been looking for a more current version of Girlfriend. Masturbation 5.1 gets old when you have to play it every night.
Doin the Indian boogie to a white man's song,
Screams with Crickets.
Still Standing Right Here...
Tuesday, January 19, 1999
Still Technically Morning
OK, here's the deal guys.
In order for me to try to do a quote of the day every day, they're not all going
to be gems. And they're not all going to be long and funny either. They're also
not going to all be on time. Hell, they're probably also not going to all be
there. At any rate, I'm using this as a disclaimer for any past ones, future
one, and this present message itself, in case it/they suck. Which it does, so
far.
Anyway, I'm at work, so I'm gonna make this short and sweet. Or at least short. I rolled into work at UMBC at around 11:00 yesterday. Geoff was already there and he was rubbing his eyes and being cranky. Gary came into the office and saw Geoff with his frown and red eyes...
Quote Of the Day 1/19/99
Gary: "What's the matter with you today?"
Geoff: "I'm not a morning person."
Gary: "It's 11:30!"
With all due respect to Gary, 11:30 is still technically morning.
Not even really an afternoon person,
Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
Anyway, I'm at work, so I'm gonna make this short and sweet. Or at least short. I rolled into work at UMBC at around 11:00 yesterday. Geoff was already there and he was rubbing his eyes and being cranky. Gary came into the office and saw Geoff with his frown and red eyes...
Quote Of the Day 1/19/99
Gary: "What's the matter with you today?"
Geoff: "I'm not a morning person."
Gary: "It's 11:30!"
With all due respect to Gary, 11:30 is still technically morning.
Not even really an afternoon person,
Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
Monday, January 18, 1999
Boring Date
Hey everybody. I actually
went out on a date Tuesday night. Don't get too excited. Five minutes into it,
she admitted to being a chain smoker. In fact, I kinda figured that I wouldn't
have a good time, but this girl left me her number at Bennigans, and I just
wanted to make sure that I wouldn't mind never talking to her again. Well, I
was right. At least she paid for everything. I guess that was the payment for
me allowing her to be annoying all night. I didn't get a word in hardly all
night, and for me to not get a word in at all, you know she must have cut me
off many times and just didn't stop talking. Though I do have to give her
credit, she had a few interesting things to say. And perhaps the coolest thing
about the evening is that she drove us around in her Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera,
the same car I have. And driving through Baltimore, I took notice to the fact
that her right speaker kept going in and out with the sound. I felt suddenly at
home. I questioned her about it, and to that, she said...
Quote Of the Day 1/18/99
"Yeah, if I catch a good pothole, it'll stay on for like a whole minute."
-Molly or Mandy or something
She only gets 3 bugs.
Single and probably doing it wrong,
Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
Quote Of the Day 1/18/99
"Yeah, if I catch a good pothole, it'll stay on for like a whole minute."
-Molly or Mandy or something
She only gets 3 bugs.
Single and probably doing it wrong,
Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
Friday, January 15, 1999
Review of Patch Adams | The Introduction of the Bug Scale
I went out to see A Bug's Life as planned yesterday afternoon. Actually, it was at exactly noon. Now the thought had occurred to me that kids were out of school because of the holiday (Martin Luther King Day), and a lot of their parents would probably take that opportunity to take them out to see a movie on their day off, and A Bug's Life is a pretty popular movie for kids. But there's no way the noon show would actually sell out, as big of a theater that I chose to go to, right? Well, guess who was wrong? On a scale from one to ten bugs, ten bugs being the highest correlation of the pleasure that would come at the relief of finally seeing the damn movie, I'll give this week's replacement, Patch Adams, 7 1/2 bugs. By the way, The Faculty got no bugs. In fact, it owes me at least two caterpillars and a dust mite.
Well, I'll do Patch Adams this week, since I came to see it the same way I came to see that last stupid piece of crap that I need not relive again. First of all, I'll warn you guys since nobody warned me. This movie is kinda sad. I saw Robin Williams in a funny nose and heard that it was supposed to be about some wacky doctor trying to cure people with laughter and assumed it would be another wacky display of mindless physical comedy like Good Will Hunting. Well, believe me you, it was a minor tear jerker. Which is actually the reason I took a few bugs away from it. The main plot was hilarious. But then they had to go and ruin it by throwing in a very obviously contrived yank on our heartstrings. It didn't have to be there. Patch Adams could have been a feel good movie without the assistance of a sub-par plot twist that left you pissed off at the writers. The other 7 and a half bugs of Robin's wacky antics far overshadow the missing 2 and a half for the awkwardly placed crying parts. It's like a warm-toned mantle overtop of a fireplace with a nice bear head hanging over it, but with one light blue candle slightly off center. Or more appropriately, it was like the last season of Roseanne or any equivalent sitcom, where they felt it necessary to include a moral in every episode. At any rate, 7 and a half bugs isn't all that bad. Maybe. I don't know, really. I just kinda made the system up myself.
Quote Of the Day 1/15/99
"What do you mean, responsibility?!?! You have one responsibility and that's to be a dickhead!! It's easy! All you have to do is make sure your head is a dick and that it's attached to your neck!"
-Robin Williams as Patch Adams
You should have heard his dissertation on the guy he called a fuckface.
Still looking for the damn bugs,
Screaming Cricket.
Still Standing Right Here...
Thursday, January 14, 1999
99 Car Problems | Little Boy Hair Girl
Well, I
got my car back from the mechanics finally. To my dismay (but not necessarily my
surprise), it didn't fly. No, just kidding. It was sorta fixed, but not all
perfect. And I spent $542 for repairs, when I only spent $600 for the vehicle
in the beginning of the summer. Hell, it was about an oil change away from
being, by definition, totaled. Well, anyway, here's what they did to the stupid
thing...
Stuff they said they were going to fix and did:
A) Four wheel alignment - It's great!! The car goes the direction the steering wheel is pointed now. It makes it so much more convenient to steer the vehicle. I recommend this feature to anybody out there that is old enough to drive a car now. And now the car rattles a whole lot less. I'm a lot less worried about the front tires just shooting off at any random time without warning.
Stuff they said they were going to fix and did:
A) Four wheel alignment - It's great!! The car goes the direction the steering wheel is pointed now. It makes it so much more convenient to steer the vehicle. I recommend this feature to anybody out there that is old enough to drive a car now. And now the car rattles a whole lot less. I'm a lot less worried about the front tires just shooting off at any random time without warning.
B) New
muffler - The car is a lot less noisy now. And more importantly, it isn't
emitting carbon monoxide into the inside of the car.
C) Three
new fan belts - I no longer wake up everybody on my street with a high-pitched
squeal whenever I start up my car, slow down my car, or turn a corner when it's
cold or humid out. Between that and the new muffler, you can actually hear the
rattling of the stupid window.
D) The
partridge in the pear tree was removed.
Stuff that they said they were going to fix but didn't:
A) The stupid window. Actually, not only did they say they were going to fix it, but they said that they already had during one phone call. Apparently, they fixed the window on another Olds Cutlass Ciera. After realizing their mistake, they called and told me that they couldn't fix it. There was a part that was too rusted to deal with and I would need a new part. And that's not the worst of it! Now, the window...
Stuff that they said they'd fix, but broke instead:
A) My window - Now, not only is it not rolling up or down, but it's stuck halfway up (instead of just being open a crack) because they futzed with it. Well, I guess I was getting spoiled for that week when I had all my windows going almost all the way up. I missed the freezing cold air in my face, anyway. And my ear muffs are still in the trunk anyway.
Stuff they didn't break or fix, but are different now:
A) My brakes - For some reason, they're a lot tighter and work better now. I'm not complaining mind you, but I skidded to a halt about 20 feet before the first stop sign I tried to stop at. It's not a big deal, but it's just like learning how to walk all over again. Well, I guess it's closer to learning how to drive all over again.
Stuff they didn't fix that I didn't ask them to:
A) The low idle - I stalled out five times driving less than a mile (no joke) last night. I stalled out going down a hill at around 25 miles an hour. But, on the plus side, I can now restart the car while trying to perform a high speed merge.
B)
Missing windshield wiper - I'm reminded of this feature about once or twice a
month when it rains.
C)
General ugliness of the vehicle - At least it doesn't have a stupid racing
stripe right down the middle of it.
D) Side
view mirror - The day the car was fixed, I drove it straight from the shop to
work and as I was backing into a parking spot, I hit a pillar with my driver’s
side mirror and knocked it right off. Now I exaggerate about a lot of things
for effect, and as contrived as that sounds, it's the fucking honest truth.
With that little maneuver, I think I officially totaled it.
So anyway, that's the current condition of my car. It basically rattles a lot less, and is a little bit colder now, and it cost a lot of money. And I can't see behind me at all. I should have just bought a scooter after all.
This quote comes from my dad again, because he's a funny freakin' guy. And a little weird. I was going to see one of my friends over the week that I was home. This is a girl my dad used to really like a lot. I didn't ask in what way, because the guy's my dad. It's none of my business really. And on top of being my dad, he's going out with my mom. I just didn't think it was my place. At any rate, we got into an argument about which is sexier, long hair or short hair, and here's the conversation we had...
Quote Of the Day 1/14/99
Dad: "Did you see Teresa?"
Me: "Yeah."
Dad: "Is she still hot?"
Me: "Yeah, but she cut all of her hair off."
Dad: "Oh, Dust, short hair is sexy."
Me: "No it's not. Short hair is cute, long hair is sexy."
Dad: "No, short hair is sexy. It's like you're having sex with like... a little boy."
He just lost his argument right there. And possibly a little respect. And the privilege of being left alone with Mike or Joe anymore.
He likes 'em bald anyway,
Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
Wednesday, January 13, 1999
The Opposite of the Billy Jean Video
Well, I have lots of
exciting cynical commentary ahead, but first I have to tell you guys about
UMBC's basketball team. If any of you get a chance to, our basketball team is
featured on the front page of CBS's NCAA basketball website today (Saturday).
If you can (and if you care), check it out: "This is the best our basketball team has ever done. I
think the season finally turned around on October 28th, the day that Russ
finally decided not to go out for the team. Well, thank you Russ. We owe it all
to you."
Well, did any of you guys go outside yesterday? It was freaking amazing out! Whole branches had fallen off of trees! And not like little branches either. Like big f---ing branches!! Half of a tree had fallen off near where I live. I was riding my bike to a restaurant to get something to eat (because my car was in the shop), and branches were falling off as I was passing them. It was weird! It was like the opposite of the Billy Jean video. The only branches that saved themselves were the ones near the bottom that were resting on the ground under the pressure of all the icicle leaves that they now had (I just made up that term). Well, anyway, now it's 52 and sunny. Anybody wanna play tennis?
This quote came from a poker game that we most recently had at Kevin’s house up in PA. It wasn't all that funny, but it was a little amusing and I don’t have my notes with me, and I have to get to work, and more urgently, I have to potty like it's 1999. So here's a quote from our poker game last week...
Quote Of the Day 1/13/99
"Well, I see your quarter and I raise you the privilege of playing with me."
-Erick the Plaid
Gotta love the Prince bathroom humor.
Spreading Retriever Fever,
Big Dawgy D.
Still Standing Right Here...
Well, did any of you guys go outside yesterday? It was freaking amazing out! Whole branches had fallen off of trees! And not like little branches either. Like big f---ing branches!! Half of a tree had fallen off near where I live. I was riding my bike to a restaurant to get something to eat (because my car was in the shop), and branches were falling off as I was passing them. It was weird! It was like the opposite of the Billy Jean video. The only branches that saved themselves were the ones near the bottom that were resting on the ground under the pressure of all the icicle leaves that they now had (I just made up that term). Well, anyway, now it's 52 and sunny. Anybody wanna play tennis?
This quote came from a poker game that we most recently had at Kevin’s house up in PA. It wasn't all that funny, but it was a little amusing and I don’t have my notes with me, and I have to get to work, and more urgently, I have to potty like it's 1999. So here's a quote from our poker game last week...
Quote Of the Day 1/13/99
"Well, I see your quarter and I raise you the privilege of playing with me."
-Erick the Plaid
Gotta love the Prince bathroom humor.
Spreading Retriever Fever,
Big Dawgy D.
Still Standing Right Here...
Tuesday, January 12, 1999
Slurpee Weather
Well, everybody, you'll be upset to hear that I
probably won't be bitching about my car too much anymore. I finally broke down
and decided to get it fixed. Well, it wasn't necessarily ME that broke down.
Well, among the things that those bastard ripoff pricks are fixing are:
A) Three cracked fan belts
B) Two bent axles
C) One muffler with large hole in it
D) A partridge in a pear tree
E) One window that doesn't roll up all the way (other one already fixed)
Among the things he's not fixing are these:
A) Low idle (costs too much and I can handle my car stalling here and there. Besides, it will make for better stories)
B) Missing windshield wiper (forgot to ask him)
C) General ugliness of the vehicle (too expensive)
D) Stereo with 6-CD changer (he's not going to install one)
E) Big screw on front seat (I found it on the floor after I hit the median Christmas Eve and I could never figure out where it came from. I set it there and asked him to "see what he could do.")
Well, anyway, my car is supposed to be ready within the next hour and Stryker, cool FaTKiD that he is, is going to give me a ride to get it. When I dropped it off, Evil Joe was supposed to follow me, but he wussed out and said it was too icy. WUS!! Actually, I stood there trying to put my bike into my trunk, and I couldn't physically stay still. I kept sliding down the hill just standing there. I could tell it was going to be a fun ride over, and an even more fun bike ride back. You know how when you're driving a car in the freezing rain, how it lands on your windshield and freezes there so that you can hardly see out of it anymore? Well, that happened to my jacket and pants while I was riding my bike back down 175 and 29. Thank God I didn't have to see out of them. And I guess thank God even more that it didn't happen to my eyes. That would have been shitty because I left my scraper in the car. Anyway, it's been pretty shitty out these past few weeks. Mike and Good Tony were talking on AOL IM one day last week, when Mike was telling Tony how we got snow, then ice, then rain, then sleet, and so on. Tony was telling Mike about how Maryland does the winter thing...
Quote Of the Day 1/12/99
"Yeah, we got about 6 inches on Friday and then yesterday it rained all day, which had the effect of covering Maryland in a giant slurpee."
-Tone-Defacator6
It's good to be back.
Looking forward to cleaning my car,
Duckstin.
Still Standing Right Here...
A) Three cracked fan belts
B) Two bent axles
C) One muffler with large hole in it
D) A partridge in a pear tree
E) One window that doesn't roll up all the way (other one already fixed)
Among the things he's not fixing are these:
A) Low idle (costs too much and I can handle my car stalling here and there. Besides, it will make for better stories)
B) Missing windshield wiper (forgot to ask him)
C) General ugliness of the vehicle (too expensive)
D) Stereo with 6-CD changer (he's not going to install one)
E) Big screw on front seat (I found it on the floor after I hit the median Christmas Eve and I could never figure out where it came from. I set it there and asked him to "see what he could do.")
Well, anyway, my car is supposed to be ready within the next hour and Stryker, cool FaTKiD that he is, is going to give me a ride to get it. When I dropped it off, Evil Joe was supposed to follow me, but he wussed out and said it was too icy. WUS!! Actually, I stood there trying to put my bike into my trunk, and I couldn't physically stay still. I kept sliding down the hill just standing there. I could tell it was going to be a fun ride over, and an even more fun bike ride back. You know how when you're driving a car in the freezing rain, how it lands on your windshield and freezes there so that you can hardly see out of it anymore? Well, that happened to my jacket and pants while I was riding my bike back down 175 and 29. Thank God I didn't have to see out of them. And I guess thank God even more that it didn't happen to my eyes. That would have been shitty because I left my scraper in the car. Anyway, it's been pretty shitty out these past few weeks. Mike and Good Tony were talking on AOL IM one day last week, when Mike was telling Tony how we got snow, then ice, then rain, then sleet, and so on. Tony was telling Mike about how Maryland does the winter thing...
Quote Of the Day 1/12/99
"Yeah, we got about 6 inches on Friday and then yesterday it rained all day, which had the effect of covering Maryland in a giant slurpee."
-Tone-Defacator6
It's good to be back.
Looking forward to cleaning my car,
Duckstin.
Still Standing Right Here...
Monday, January 11, 1999
Blaming Joe
So here's the deal, guys
and gals... Meawad and I have decided that we are going to go see A Bug's Life
Monday around 2:30 or so. We don't know exactly when, where, who with, how
we'll get there, or why. But one thing's for sure. Joe's not in charge of
finding a theater. In fact, he's not even invited. He's bad luck. If I went
with him again, we'd probably be forced into seeing Child's Play III. So
anyway, you guys are all invited. I'll start looking into theaters probably
somewhere around UMBC. So any out of state subscribers out there are invited, yet
relatively discouraged to come.
After that last quote I sent out, Joe wrote back telling me he had mixed emotions about being mentioned in the quote of the day... "the expected exuberance that goes along with being mentioned, coupled with the offense of being unfairly blamed for us having to see The Faculty." Well, fair or unfair, the movie you forced me to watch was slightly less tolerable than that crap I had to sit through in class with an animated piece of Asparagus coming out of a lady's ass...
Quote Of the Day 1/11/99
"I'd love to go see A Bug's Life for real... but I have no idea how to find out where it's playing."
-Not So Good After All Joe
Yeah. With all this technology, it's tough to find a newspaper nowadays.
Iced in and hating it,
Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
After that last quote I sent out, Joe wrote back telling me he had mixed emotions about being mentioned in the quote of the day... "the expected exuberance that goes along with being mentioned, coupled with the offense of being unfairly blamed for us having to see The Faculty." Well, fair or unfair, the movie you forced me to watch was slightly less tolerable than that crap I had to sit through in class with an animated piece of Asparagus coming out of a lady's ass...
Quote Of the Day 1/11/99
"I'd love to go see A Bug's Life for real... but I have no idea how to find out where it's playing."
-Not So Good After All Joe
Yeah. With all this technology, it's tough to find a newspaper nowadays.
Iced in and hating it,
Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
Friday, January 8, 1999
Review of The Faculty
Hey. Instead of doing that silly little contest that didn't work because either I didn't have enough clever responses or because I took three week leaves of absence without warning, I'm gonna try to do a movie review every Friday. At least until this little phase ends. Well, I'm at least doing it this Friday. I went to see A Bug's Life with Good Joe and his dad the day before I came back down here to Maryland. Well, Joe, being the idiot that he is, drove us to the wrong theater. So we had the option to see Patch Adams or Mighty Joe Young, which Joe had already seen, Waking Ned Devine, which I had already seen (next Friday's feature), or The Faculty. So by the process of elimination, we were forced to watch The Faculty...
This movie sucked on so many levels in so many ways. I could spend entire days and max out my account's quota on the writing alone. Offspring isn't my favorite band, but I kinda like them. However, there is no way in hell a movie (with the exception of a bad student film) should open with an Offspring song and freeze frame on the six main characters with a subtitle introducing them. Within about 5 seconds, I could already tell I was going to hate this movie. I was right. It was silly and not worth seeing in the dollar theaters. It's not even worth the drive to the theater, in case you had free passes. It was tough to tell whether or not the acting was bad because the plot was so stupid, the writing was horrendous, and the camera work was completely random and shakier than the scene where Billy had to film me from the hood of my moving car. Now here's where the movie started to try to be the Breakfast Club... The jock quit the football team to work on his scholastics and to date the loner freak dresses all in black chick. The school druggy hooked up with the new prissy girl of the school and then joined the football team.(?) And the only truly likable character besides the alien was the dorky freshman (Elijah Wood), and he got stuck with the snobby cheerleader bitch. All around, it turned my stomach. I could easily simulate the soundtrack by turning on 98 Rock for two hours. The only redeeming thing about this movie was the naked blond who turned into an alien. I really hope A Bug's Life is better.
Well, when all else fails, make fun of the French. Good Joe, Mike, Teresa and I went out to dinner some night and Teresa mentioned that she was going to a movie or something. We proceeded to ask if we could go (or something like that)...
Quote Of the Day 1/8/99
"We could be your entourage. Have you ever had an entourage before? Entourage is French for 'people that stand behind you.'"
-Mikey Conover
Anybody wanna see A Bug's Life for Real?
Pointless guard,
Extendo.
Still Standing Right Here...
Thursday, January 7, 1999
Chicken Thumbs
Well, I made it all the way
back down to Maryland despite inhaling the exhaust fumes that are now leaking
into my car from the hole in the muffler for two straight hours. As it happens,
I apparently did a lot more than I thought with that little accident. I didn't
notice how loud my exhaust system was with the new hole in the muffler because
the damn fan belt squeals so flippin loud. But that's always been there, so I
don't worry about it. That's it! I'm never hitting another median ever again.
It's turning out to be such an inconvenience. But on the other hand, I replaced
the plastic bag on my window with a piece of glass. And boy, was that a pane!!
**insert rolling eyes, deflated groan, and/or a swift kick in the nuts as it
suits you** And ironically enough, I had to drive all the way down to MD with
it down anyway, due to the exhaust needing an obvious way out. Man, I can't
win.
Well, I have a follow-up to the last chicken finger joke, and this one is by the same guy on a completely separate occasion. We were eating at Pizzeria Unos in Maryland on my birthday, and we saw an item in the menu called "chicken thumbs." Well, this set Craig into "joke mode" and there was just no turning him back...
Quote Of the Day 1/7/99
"Chicken thumbs!?! What the hell is that? (turns to waitress) You know, thanks to you guys, there are thumbless chickens running around out there like this (hold hands up with thumbs concealed behind palms) 'OOooh God! NOOooo!! Oh, if it weren't for you, we'd be able to use tools...'"
Craig Klukus
Animal Rights Activists
He went on, but his attempts to cut his steak without thumbs can only translate so well over e-mail.
Protector of the chicken thumbs,
Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
Well, I have a follow-up to the last chicken finger joke, and this one is by the same guy on a completely separate occasion. We were eating at Pizzeria Unos in Maryland on my birthday, and we saw an item in the menu called "chicken thumbs." Well, this set Craig into "joke mode" and there was just no turning him back...
Quote Of the Day 1/7/99
"Chicken thumbs!?! What the hell is that? (turns to waitress) You know, thanks to you guys, there are thumbless chickens running around out there like this (hold hands up with thumbs concealed behind palms) 'OOooh God! NOOooo!! Oh, if it weren't for you, we'd be able to use tools...'"
Craig Klukus
Animal Rights Activists
He went on, but his attempts to cut his steak without thumbs can only translate so well over e-mail.
Protector of the chicken thumbs,
Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here...
Wednesday, January 6, 1999
Dustin Goes Skiing
Hey everybody. Sorry I
missed the last couple days, but I went skiing the first time ever Wednesday.
It was awesome!!! I invented this new way of skiing. It involves going down on
your stomach with your skis in the air facing up the hill. That seemed to be
the only way I was going to get down this one really steep hill. It's not much
for control, but neither was that crap I was trying earlier while standing up.
Actually, I was "baptized by fire" as Mike put it, when trying to
learn how to ski. I was on the little pink bunny slope and they were trying to
show me how to turn, and I was almost getting it, but still not quite all the
way there. Then all of a sudden this little kid fell down right in front of me.
It was like a video game. Well I managed to safely turn away from danger
(flailed my limbs in despair and fright and got lucky). The would be a theme
for the rest of the night. I couldn't learn how to control my speed, so I had
to learn how to turn REALLY fast.
Also, I don't know if you guys know this or not, but you use a lot of muscles when you ski. And you guys remember me complaining about my knee problems earlier this semester? Well, on more than one occasion... in fact, on possibly more than 20 occasions, my legs were pointed in exact opposite directions against my will. And I couldn't do anything to fix the problem. The more I struggled, the more tangled I got. Nobody warned me about that kinda stuff. Next time I go skiing, if I don't at least wear a brace on my knee, I'm going to bring a removable cast for the ride home. In fact, I already called Custom Prosthetic Designs, Inc. and gave them my measurements. The legs already made for me and waiting at the local office. All I have to do is give them the word, and they said they can be here within 20 minutes. Gotta plan ahead nowadays. Although, I was able to walk away under my own power this time, which makes it better than about half of the soccer games I participated in this semester.
Well, I'm sure you knew this already, but there are ski lifts that take you back up to the top after you go down a big hill. Well, there's also a map at the top showing you where the wussy little pansy hills are, and where the double diamond tear you limb from limb courses are. Mike, Joe, Leigh, Teresa, Erick, and I had just gotten off the ski lift and we were looking at the map, and Mike said to the general crowd "OK. Now what?"
Quote Of the Day 1/6/99
"Let's go down again. That was fun."
-Erick (brother of Kevin, in case any of you care)
I think he was looking for something a little more specific.
Nursing my toes back to health,
Dustin Boy-Tan-O!
Still Standing Right Here...
Also, I don't know if you guys know this or not, but you use a lot of muscles when you ski. And you guys remember me complaining about my knee problems earlier this semester? Well, on more than one occasion... in fact, on possibly more than 20 occasions, my legs were pointed in exact opposite directions against my will. And I couldn't do anything to fix the problem. The more I struggled, the more tangled I got. Nobody warned me about that kinda stuff. Next time I go skiing, if I don't at least wear a brace on my knee, I'm going to bring a removable cast for the ride home. In fact, I already called Custom Prosthetic Designs, Inc. and gave them my measurements. The legs already made for me and waiting at the local office. All I have to do is give them the word, and they said they can be here within 20 minutes. Gotta plan ahead nowadays. Although, I was able to walk away under my own power this time, which makes it better than about half of the soccer games I participated in this semester.
Well, I'm sure you knew this already, but there are ski lifts that take you back up to the top after you go down a big hill. Well, there's also a map at the top showing you where the wussy little pansy hills are, and where the double diamond tear you limb from limb courses are. Mike, Joe, Leigh, Teresa, Erick, and I had just gotten off the ski lift and we were looking at the map, and Mike said to the general crowd "OK. Now what?"
Quote Of the Day 1/6/99
"Let's go down again. That was fun."
-Erick (brother of Kevin, in case any of you care)
I think he was looking for something a little more specific.
Nursing my toes back to health,
Dustin Boy-Tan-O!
Still Standing Right Here...
Tuesday, January 5, 1999
Drunk Tony
Hey! You
guys wanna hear something kinda funny? (I guess that's a stupid question)
Anyway, Mike came down from PA to go to ESPNZone with me, Tony, and a few
Jessupials. Well, as a select few of you know, I lost my wallet for the second
time this semester. So like, everything is gone now. Any proof I had that I am
me is missing. And it's very difficult trying to get a MD license when I only
had a PA license previously, and currently don't have one. Trust me. Anyway, we
drove and paid to park in the middle of the city, and we went to walk in, and
the guy at the door carded us. Now, you need to be at least 18 or with your
parents to get in. Keep in mind that I have no ID (I told you that for a
reason). Well, I told the guy that I had lost my wallet and didn't have any ID
and the fucker wouldn't let me in. I'm 24 and couldn't pass for 18. He said I
"had a young-looking face." So I told him his chicken caesar salad
sucked and threw a chiclet at him and we ran.
Later on, Mike, Tony and I drove to a bar that I
had told my friends from work that I'd meet there. I stopped home to get my
birth certificate, social security card, Town & Country Apartment ID,
cancelled credit card with my name on it, the speeding tickets I had gotten, a
bank statement, a picture of my mom and me with her signature on it, and a note
from her saying I was indeed born on the day it said on my birth certificate.
Well, the guy didn't even card me. So I threw a tic-tac at him, and kicked him
in the chicken caesar salad and we ran.Well, we happened to have gotten Tony drunk for the first time in his life that night. Another 3 times, and he'll have caught up to the lush that I have become. Well, anyway, he was trying to e-mail Chris Meawad about his plans for New Years Eve. Well, here is ver batem what his first sentence was...
Quote Of the Day 1/5/99
Chris,
Well, not I'm not sure what I'm not sure what I'm doing for New Year's Eve.
-Tone-Def (and Grammar-Def)
He claims that someone kept interrupting him and he kept forgetting that he had already started the sentence. That still doesn't account for the naked table dance that he did. Unless he was just hot and kept forgetting that he had already taken off his jacket.
Guardian of the Trids,
Screaming Cricket.
Still Standing Right Here...
Monday, January 4, 1999
A Dad Inspired
Well, Happy New Year all. I
don't know about you, but I brought in the New Year with a bash. Apparently.
According to my sources, there were fireworks going on at the time, but all
6,000 people at the Baltimore Inner Harbor were watching some idiot dancing
around to the beat of a song that was apparently only in his own head with his
shirt torn off in 20 degree weather while being squirted with whipped cream.
And these are my "close" friends. Thank God ZBT wasn't there. I'd
have definitely been in the Harbor. Well, it's a shame I didn't have a
quote-a-member or something with me then, because I remember that a lot of
funny things were said, but I can't really physically remember any of them. And
Good Joe wasn't writing them down for me this time. He was somewhat preoccupied
himself.
Well, I don't know how many times I'm going to be able to use my dad in a quote, because I'm only home for a week. We happened to be talking about stupid art too, and any quote involving my dad and social commentary about the deterioration of modern art is definitely a great way to kick off the year. We were talking specifically about Jackson Pollack. Now for those of you plebeians out there who don't know the mockery that is associated with his name (and trust me, you're better off), he is the guy who splatters paint on a canvas and calls it art. It looks like one of those things that you can do yourself at a carnival and take it home for a dollar and a chili dog wrapper. Well, he was telling me about one of his friends who came in the video store and started talking about an exhibit of his work that she was just at...
Quote Of the Day 1/4/99
"She told me how great his stuff was and how it inspired her to write again. I would think it would inspire you to like... clean up."
-My dad, the underground self-made art critic
You laugh, but after a Dali exhibit, ma and I came home to find all the clocks in the house piled on a frying pan in the kitchen (it's an art joke, you wouldn't understand).
24 and not quite dead yet,
The Extendinator XXIV.
Still Standing Right Here...
Well, I don't know how many times I'm going to be able to use my dad in a quote, because I'm only home for a week. We happened to be talking about stupid art too, and any quote involving my dad and social commentary about the deterioration of modern art is definitely a great way to kick off the year. We were talking specifically about Jackson Pollack. Now for those of you plebeians out there who don't know the mockery that is associated with his name (and trust me, you're better off), he is the guy who splatters paint on a canvas and calls it art. It looks like one of those things that you can do yourself at a carnival and take it home for a dollar and a chili dog wrapper. Well, he was telling me about one of his friends who came in the video store and started talking about an exhibit of his work that she was just at...
Quote Of the Day 1/4/99
"She told me how great his stuff was and how it inspired her to write again. I would think it would inspire you to like... clean up."
-My dad, the underground self-made art critic
You laugh, but after a Dali exhibit, ma and I came home to find all the clocks in the house piled on a frying pan in the kitchen (it's an art joke, you wouldn't understand).
24 and not quite dead yet,
The Extendinator XXIV.
Still Standing Right Here...
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