The Long Windy Road to Funkytown

ENOUGH WITH THE FREAKIN' RAIN ALREADY!!! I feel like Noah! The weather is teasing us again. It rains for two days, and then it’s beautiful out. Then it rains for another two days and its nice out again. Then temperatures drop to 7 below for no freakin reason and people wonder why they get sick. Kind of like my life. I've just been turned down from the RA position. They say I'm an alternate, but it’s just a disguised rejection. Needless to say, it's not a Pimp Daddy Day. So now I have to decide whether or not to accept the position as an alternate by this Friday. Everybody tells me I should. All the RA's I know tell me they were once alternates too. But I'm just kind of pissed right now and I feel like turning them down just to spite the pricks and bitches up at ORL. But that would be probably as stupid as moving to the apartments just to spite an ex-girlfriend (was that out loud?). So maybe after I cool off, I'll send in an acceptance letter in response to their "we'll keep you on the back burner in case the people we really like don't want us." It kinda feels like I'm dating again.

Alright, enough of the bitterness. This is a pretty funny quote. This one is from when I was on Spring Break and I went to Bennigans with Joe, Erick, and Kate. Anybody who knows me knows that if there's a song on the radio and I know it, I'll likely start singing it if I'm not already. So, this is a quote that is funniest if you picture it. We're at Bennigans and a song comes on the radio...


Quote Of the Day 4/1


Me: "Won't you take me to ... FunkyTOWN?"
Joe: "Well, alright, but you're paying for tolls."


By the way, if anybody out there knows Joe's new address, get it to me (Yelnick).


Dancing with the homeless,
Stomping Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Catering Truth

Alright, I'm almost caught up. And I finally got some sleep. After staying up for two straight nights, I slept straight through breakfast and lunch, and I'll probably go back in my room after this and nap until dinner. Oh, and before you get pissed Lance, I know that I didn't win our very first game of head twister, but it kind of ended in a draw when the cops showed up. Well, I'm going to hurry up and do this so I can nap until dinner, and then get up and eat, and go see EVRERYDAY @ SIX! This weekend is starting off really good. First STOMP!! followed by head twister until the wee hours of the morning, and now Everyday @ Six. What could possibly follow? Maybe a concert with the Pimp Daddies opening up for the Mighty Mighty Boss-Tones or Weird Al and Billy Joel, together again for the first time. A guy can dream, can't he?

At any rate, this quote comes from a guy who works at the dining hall. He is one of the friendliest and funniest people I know there. He was training this other lady and teaching her how to do stuff. And he was joking around with me and trying to juggle my apples behind the counter, and when I picked up my omelet and left, he whispered to her something I don't think he wanted me to hear, but I don't think he'd care if I knew anyway...

Quote Of the Day 3/28

"You gotta be friendly and joke around with the kids, you know, because the food tastes like shit."
-That big white guy with the beard.


Pissing off 2nd south (think about it),
STOMP!! JR.


Still Stomping Right Here...

Suzanne Four Pack

Again, if you weren’t at STOMP!! last night, you may skip this paragraph.

So did everybody have fun last night? Well, I mean not considering the times before and after the concert for most of you. But STOMP!! was AWESOME!! So now all you guys know why I've been beating on my tray and desk and other people for the last semester. I must apologize one last time for being so damn stressed out and irritable last night. And say what you guys want about Kate's driving, but first of all, you guys didn't get to see the pole coming at you up close like I did. And in her defense, the other option was having SuperDave drive down there. But I had a great time during the concert and after, and it really helped me to relax. So thank you everybody for coming and I'm glad you all got there and back O.K. and had a good time. And you can all be proud that you helped be a part of STOMPMANIA!!

So speaking of STOMP!! last night, in about three minutes worth of pumping gas, Suzanne, a newcomer to the list, is halfway to Laura's foot-in-her mouth verbal blunder record that took her over a year to accumulate. She was pumping gas and by the time she figured out what everyone was laughing at, she had already had four verbal blunders of her own:


Quotes Of the Day 3/27

"I gave him three dollars worth."
"It won't come out. It won't come out."
"Did you say take it out or put it in?"
"My hands stink."
-Desperately Seeking Suzanne


Winner and still reigning head twister champion,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

English B Good

If you aren't going to STOMP!!, you are permitted to skip the following paragraph. But if you're bored, you may read it. I can't stop you now.

Alright. If you're keeping track, this is supposed to be from Tuesday. Is everybody EXCITED TO SEE STOMP!!? If it wasn't so shitty outside and I hadn't been up all night, I might be more excited. But I'll catch a nap and I'll be up there tonight. For those that don't know, here's the plan: We meet in Susquehanna by at least 6:30, preferably earlier. We'll either meet in the lobby or Third South somewhere. Here's an easy way to tell which one. If you get into the lobby at around 6:30 and there aren't 30 other people there, we're up on Third South. My extension is x1965 for you off campus people. We will have 6 cars to fit 31 people, so expect to get to know people. And I need you to drive, Jacy. SuperDave, we'll get you there. Also, if everybody could give at least a dollar to you chauffer for parking, we'd all appreciate it, as I think it'll be around $6 per car. Anyway, we'll try to leave here by 6:45, though 7:00 seems more realistic. The show starts at 8:00, so it should give us plenty of time to get lost twice at the most (just kidding (I hope)). After the show, most of you will be filled with excitement and will not want to go home. Well, here's what'll happen. We go back to UMBC after STOMP!! to sort things out and get people rides back to their respective schools/states. After we did all this, we go find a place to eat or something, and everyone is required to keep a beat with their silverware. Sound good? If anybody has problems, call STOMP!! headquarters at (410) 455-1965.

O.K. Those of you not going to STOMP!! can start reading again. By the way, I want to predict now, that by this time next year, STOMPMANIA!! will have started and they'll be appearing on talk shows and Saturday Night Live and stuff like that. Well, I got another quote from back home, and this one is from me. We were pulling into a restaurant with free valet parking (Erick, Joe, Kate, and I), and it looked crowded, so we weren't sure if we wanted to stay and eat there. So we stopped right in front of the valet parking guys and decided to discuss the issue. After about 20 seconds, I was growing concerned of the confused look on the valet parking attendants and wanted Erick to move the car so I hurriedly lashed out at Erick:


Quote Of the Day 3/26

"HURRY UP!! THEIR STANDING AT US AND LOOKING FUNNY!!"
-Me


Head of the STOMP!! fan club,
Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Importance of Wires

CONNOVER!!! YOU DIE!!! I knew that the moment I left for break you'd take the opportunity to steal my job. Just like back home. Well I refuse to condone that kind of behavior. But if I were the type to condone that kind of behavior, I'd tell you it was probably the best imposter quote of the day yet. And your intro left me rolling on the floor peeing my pants. But since I don't condone that behavior, YOU'RE A PRICK!!! And Foster, you're not in the clear either. Especially since you may have fractured my nose yesterday. (The midnight hour arrives and the pink knight strikes down upon with vengeance Hickey Man and the Boy Wonder.)
As for the rest of you, I hope you guys enjoyed your break. The highlight of my week was my visit to the dentist. I woke up just as they were putting my clothes back on. I keep telling them they need to give me more drugs. (Like that, mom?) So anyway, Erick, Joe, Kate, and I were out driving around somewhere after Joe's birthday dinner (Happy Day from all of us Joe), when Erick, while driving, pulls this thin, wiry thing out of his car...


Quote Of the Day 3/25

Me: "Is that important?"
Erick: "This?... Not anymore."



Give me a little time, I'll catch up eventually.


Good, bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
Ash.


Still Standing Right Here...

Mike Steals My Job - 1

Apparently Dustin is no longer taking his duties seriously, (Foster, eighteen green lumberjacks are chopping trees at fourteen hundred hours. Don't let the pelicans dive.) So, I'll take it over.

I don't have a handball team, or a basketball team, or any team, and we most certainly didn't play ZBT yesterday, my legs don't hurt, I'm not having girl problems, and I don't have any late-night computer lab stories to tell. I'm not working on any film projects, no dorms on campus have received mass amounts of flowers from me, and I'm not introducing anyone new to the list. I wonder how Dustin does it!

A bunch of friends and I were sitting around watching the usual Sunday night television (right, there isn't any) and talking about the age-old man/woman debate. The topic of sexual harassment came up, to which my friend Jason offered his dilemma:

"Why is it when a man says dirty things to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman says dirty things to a man, its $2.95 the first minute and $1.99 each additional minute?"


Lady in red is dancing with me,

Lance


Todavia levanto aqui...

The Pity Kiss

Morning everyone. Listen, I've still got that 5-10 page paper to write by 11:00, so I can't promise I'll be long. But I do want to say that Bennigans was a real blast last night. Everybody seemed to have a good time, and we all got to sing to Mark again. And I'm still amazed at that Magic Shell stuff or whatever it is. One of you chemists will have to explain to me how it works someday.
Well, I want to wish you all a happy and fun Spring Break (except of course those people without one). And while you're all at Florida or Nags Head, you can all think of how bored I'll be sitting at home watching reruns of old Growing Pains. Well, today was another Pimp Daddy Day. It was even Pimp Daddier than it was yesterday. Well, Kate and I were sitting on the little ledge outside and talking about how I don't have any balls or guts or anything. Then I looked up and saw a cute girl in the parking lot. I asked Kate how much money she'd give me if I just brazenly walked up and kissed her...


Quote Of the Day 3/15

"I won't give you any money. I might even give her a few dollars."
-Kate


And let's all applaud Kate for making the quote but not in her usual fashion. This was actually an intelligent retort rather than her usual sexual innuendos.


Strapping on the fat guy dildo,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Underdeveloped

Alright, I'm getting a jump on this one too because I have a lot of shit to do before Friday. But first of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARKY MARK!!! Well, we all did the cake thing yesterday and everybody who could have been there was, but I thought I'd wish him a hearty internet happy birthday anyway. Even though he hasn't checked his E-mail since the Reagan administration.
Well, to clear up a little confusion for everyone, I thought I'd tell you all now that I do the quote every weekday. That's why I don't have quotes from the 9th or 10th. So it's not really the "when he gets around to it list" Yelnick claims it is. But don't expect them on the weekends. Or all next week, now that I'm on the topic. Because that's when I finally get my Spring Break. Most of you will all be on Spring Break with me (well, not with me, but at the same time), so you won't miss anything. But the few of you that go to a different school and already had your Spring Break, sorry. I hope you all can survive.
STOMP!! is two weeks from today!!! I can't wait. I've been banging on anything and everything I can get my hands on them since I saw them last. Of course, most of you know this already and are quite annoyed. But I'm excited and you all get your break from me in a few days (except Joe and Amanda), so bear it out for that long if you can. Well, this quote comes from the birthday boy in a kind of roommate quote of the day. SuperDave had it yesterday, so I thought I'd give his roommate a chance to show off his wit. Besides, it's his birthday.


Quote Of the Day 3/14

"I have a photographic memory, but the film's been developed by SuperDave."
-The guy who can now buy us beer



The thimble of therenity,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Good Math

Well, in case you slept through today, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE!!! It was like 75 and sunny. Too bad Maryland snow is too stupid to melt under such conditions or else it would have been perfect. And I would have loved to capitalize on the beauty of the day, but unfortunately, I live in the Fine Arts computer lab now. But I'm not going to let that get in the way of my great day. First of all, I officially moved back to Susquehanna. I got my key and yellow ID and everything. I was going to wrap up my ID and put a bow on it and present it to the desk staff. I think they'd appreciate it. So now I can sign people in, enter after 3, lock the door, and protect my valuables and shit.
Secondly, I GOT THE STOMP!! TICKETS!!! Well, Greg reserved them and we're picking them up Friday, but we got 29 upper upper decker tickets for STOMP!! And we can get more probably without any problem, so let me know by Thursday night if you or any of your friends want to go. Oh, and tickets are only $21 now because we got a group discount (everybody can thank Greg for his help, whether you like him or not). I'm contemplating the idea of chartering a bus (Mark's idea) with this sudden leftover money, but I think too many people are going to too many different places afterward. So I'll get everybody their money back, don't worry. But breathe a sigh of relief because tickets have been reserved and will be purchased on Friday sometime before 1:00. Thirdly (and lastly), John and I got our papers back from 20th Century Art, and the teacher gave us back 2 grades, one for content, and one for grammar and stuff. And John and I both got A's!! The Bungling Idiots did something right for once. And on top of that, Vin taught our class today. And I was telling John that it was a pimp-daddy day, the Pimp Daddies themselves walked right by. They must have known. Anyway, as I was saying, John got a double A on his paper. It was written like so: A/A. And John went to show it to SuperDave...


Quote Of the Day 3/13

"A over A. That's 1."
-SuperDave CrazyFeet


Well, Dave finally said something funny and intelligent, so I had to reward him.


Finally out of my apartment...
but living in the Computer Lab,
Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Taxes are Stupid

Hey guys, I'm doing this one early so I don't have to worry about it later on today. I've got so much crap to do, it's not funny. Normally I only have a little crap to do, and it's funny. Sometimes when I have nothing to do, it's hilarious. And still other times, when there's even less than nothing to do, I can't stop laughing for days. Well, for the first time in probably a long time, I opened up my account today to find no messages. My little flag on the mailbox stayed down, and I had to check my account because I still didn't believe it then. But I had no messages. No replies to the quote, no annoying forwards, nothing. Now this isn't an open invitation for Earl or Barnes or anyone else to mail dump me. Because my account will exceed quota. I've got 6846 megabytes of info in my account and I'm only allowed to have 7000 before it starts screwing up. I think I just sealed my grave there.

Alright, I'm kind of getting sick of these blatant sexual references and I've got to cater to all my audiences. I haven't been paying enough attention to the David portion of the crowd. And when everyday brings a sexual reference, they kind of get on your nerves. So this one came from the mother of a friend of mine. The discussion was about him wanting to work a couple extra nights, and his mother was worried about him making too much money, thus having to file taxes. Well, assuming there are no more interruptions, here is the...


Quote Of the Day 3/12

"You can't afford to make more money."
-Chris MacLeod's mom


Running from shadows on the wall,
Screaming Cricket.


The Hook Brings You Back...

...and gets stuck in your head all damn day!

The Patriot Missile of Humor

Well, Mike will be happy to know that I'M CAUGHT UP!!! This is actually the quote of today that I'm sending. Well, for those of you who aren't anal and don't consider 1:00 in the morning part of Tuesday, I'm caught up. Well, here's the situation, for those of you who are interested. I moved out of my apartment unofficially. I brought almost all my necessary crap down and set up camp. All I needed was to get Lisa's signature and I could move the rest of my crap down and exchange my key. Lisa went away this weekend. At least from business. So I was forced to sleep somewhere else last night because I had been in Susquehanna 3 nights in a row. It was actually fun being homeless. But anyway, I got Lisa to sign the thing this morning and all I need to do is move the rest of my crap down and exchange the key and I'm golden. I hope. So if any of you have a car and some spare time, I'd appreciate the help.
A word of warning to all of you: DON'T GIVE EARL YOUR PASSWORD!!! Or anyone who might give it to Earl. He can do some serious fucking up of one's account. He's learned some new shit that no one has ever seen before. He can write a program into your account so that everytime you try to login, the keyboard gives you an electric shock. And then everytime you hit a certain few keys in a certain order, a boxing glove comes out of the monitor and smacks you in the head. Moral of the story: DON'T GIVE EARL YOUR PASSWORD!!! In fact, that's why the university invented passwords. So Earl couldn't get into your account and fuck it up.
You know what I just noticed. David's in here. If it wasn't enough that he's up at this hour, he's here. That's weird. At any rate, this is another quote from this past weekend. Kate's friends tend to stick their feet in their mouth just as much as her. It's kind of ironic. Don't you think? Alright, this one isn't nearly as bad as last one, and that's mostly because it isn't Kate. And as usual, I could give you the context this was in, but it wouldn't be nearly as funny. So here's Nikki, that girl you all kind of met or kind of heard of, with...


Quote Of the Day 3/11

"Well, I saw you coming and I thought I'd make you feel good."
-Nikki (to me)



And Kate, thank you for telling me all about the term "Dickless" and how it's spelled and how it's not a put down for girls. Now let me share a principle with you. It's called SARCASM. It's the driving force behind a lot of my jokes, Kate. I'll refrain from explaining it, as I'm sure most of you know what it is on some level. Now let me explain another principle to you. Mike and I call it the "patriot missile of humor theory." This suggests that there is a person who waits for a joke to start ascending, and just when it looks like it has potential, they shoot it down for no apparent reason. If you want to be that person Kate, go ahead. I'm sure Amanda will be happy you took the crown from her. If not, STOP RUINING MY JOKES!!!


Launching SCUDs over enemy territory,
The Sergeant At Arms of Humor.
(I still love you Katey)


Still Standing Right Here...

Carry On, My Wayward Son

This list gets longer every damn day. Anyway, I really should take some time out to reprimand Lance and Foster, but it was too funny. I'll just kick your ass next time I see you both in person. O.K. Welcome back those of you who just had your Spring Break. I'm sure it's always a pleasant surprise to go to check your E-mail for the first time in a week and finding 32 messages in your inbox. And one of them being a potential novel. But these are just some of life's little setbacks. If you guys weren't around on Friday, you all missed a kickin' Wayward Son concert. Ben sang Angry Young Man and I was prepared with cue cards. And he still managed to screw up the words. And as if their normal routine isn't chaotic enough, their second set was interrupted by a fire alarm and everyone had to evacuate the room. It's always a show when they perform.

Alright, this quote is just pure, raunchy, disgusting fun at its best. Kate's friends supplied me with a lot of quotes over this past weekend, but I'll start with one from her own mouth. And just a warning Laura, but she's catching up to you. You had better get on the ball.


Quote Of the Day 3/8

"The faster you eat it, the less of a mess you'll make."
-Kate "Dickless" Springle



I guess you would know better than I would (-:P



Passing time until I can go back to the dining hall,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rule Breaker and Hat Thief

I want to know something. What kind of a person would steal a pink hat?!?!? I mean few people would even wear a pink hat, let alone steal one. In one day, at two separate occasions, I had a pink hat and my green earmuffs stolen. And I know I'm the only person who would wear either of those items of clothing. What has happened to the world? It used to be that people would only steal things if they needed them. Now people just steal things because they can. Either that or someone is stalking me and stealing my wardrobe piece by piece so that they can one day take over my pathetic little life. Pretty sad, don't you think.
This quote came a while back from the day that I went to my RA interview. As you know, everytime I have to do something formal, I run around the night before borrowing clothes that are respectable enough to wear from anybody willing to lend them to me. And from all of these, I can generally make a decent looking outfit. Anyway, I stopped by Sedge's room seeking a little fashion advice, and he started telling me to match shirt to tie, and tie to belt, and belt to shoes...


Quote Of the Day 3/7

"These are just strict rules of fashion, and you follow the rules of fashion like most people follow the speed limit."
-Dr. Sedge


P.S.- Everybody say hi to Matt Anderson who finally caught up with the rest of the E-mail world. His address is mander4...


Looking for the other 3 manders,
Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Brain in my Head

Well, they put a clock up in the computer lab now. Here's my question: Why the damn computer lab? Every computer in there has its own clock on it! Every screen saver tells you what time it is in some fashion. And even if you're using it, there's a little clock in the upper right up here that you can't get rid of. And word perfect has a clock in the bottom middle when you're working. There's no possible screen on the computer where you can escape the time. I say put the damn clock up in the Fine Arts building somewhere. They don't have clocks anywhere. And every education building is the same way. If you don't have a watch on campus, you have to go to the computer lab to find out what time it is anyway. But now they have a clock you can look at in case you're too stupid to realize it's on EVERY computer.

Sorry, I lost myself. Well, I don't remember what started this conversation, but John, Mark, somebody else, and myself were talking about how our penises have a mind of their own and we got to talking about how they should be punished, or something. Anyway...


Quote Of the Day 3/6

"We're going home and you're getting the spanking of your life!!"
-John (to penis)


Peeing on the electric fence,
Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Guy on First

Hi guys. Well, after a massive guilt trip at dinner last night, there are a few additions to the quote of the day list. I know at least one of them is a returner and actually made it into the Anniversary issue, so if we could all give CrashandJami a big welcome, they'll certainly appreciate it.
Anyway, I'm having a pretty lousy day academically and I'm really tired, so I'll keep this short. This quote came from breakfast a while ago when Matt Anderson was looking through my STOMP!! pamphlet. He came to a page with a saying that I'm sure we've all heard, but he had an answer I never related it to before...


Quote Of the Day 3/5

"'Who's Who?' Isn't he the guy on first?"
-Matt


Praying to the patron saint of late computer art projects,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Stomp Details

Well, I hope that wasn't too much for you guys to bear, but this one will be more everybody's style. Nice and short. And by the way, the contest is over. Momma Spence won. The answer was kxb5907@sae.ssu.umd.edu , a.k.a "Can you get athlete's butt," a.k.a Sarcastic Woman, a.k.a Michigan J. Frog. Yep, she was the first to actually compare the lists and I'm afraid I owe her the five dollars. Tell you what mom, you can just keep the dollar you owe me and we'll work out some way to pay for the other $4. And thanks everybody who guessed. It kept me amused and busy on E-mail.

STOMP!! If you want to go and haven't told me, tell me today. I also need everybody's money today or early tomorrow. I trust you all, but I just can't lend money to all those people. Just to reiterate, we're going Thursday the 28th of this month, the week after we get back from Spring Break. We leave here campus by at least 7:00, get down to the Warner Theatre in D.C., watch STOMP!! from 8:00 to 10:00. Those who have to leave can do so then, and we'll figure all of this out later. Those who want to go out to get something to eat afterwards, I'm sure at least one or two other carfuls will be game. And after all that, we'll probably get back to campus around 12:00 or 1:00. Everyone is welcome to stay in my room if they need to. That should be fun. Anyway, write me back soon if you haven't talked to me and want to go, or need more details. And if you're out there Jacy, say something. I can't get a hold of you.

I had to eat lunch really fast in the Commuter Cafeteria today because I had a meeting to get to. We got on the subject of erections and three guys were trying to tell Jocelyn what it was like. Roe came up and asked why she was so upset about the whole issue, and not consciously realizing I was around, she said:

Quote Of the Day 3/4

"Because it happened to me!!"
-Jocelyn


Throwing pebbles at the brick wall of adversity,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Relativity of Stop Signs

You ever look at a lava lamp when it's off? It's disgusting. It looks like a curled up fetus. Not to be disgusting, but it does. Sorry. Anyway, this quote comes from a person who is on this mailing list for the first time today. It's a friend from back home. You'll probably all get to meet him if you're going to STOMP!!. He's cute and single for all you eligible women out there, but he's not too bright. This is the guy who, when driving through Norristown (parts of it look like inner city Philadelphia), leans out the window, and says in his best little kid, innocent, high pitched voice; "Look. A Drug deal!" Thank God the light turned green at that instant or we may not be here today. Well, this quote pretty much outta tell you how he drives, and I don't care how crazy any of you think you are driving, Joe is crazier. Or stupider, it's hard to tell. Anyway, here's his philosophy on driving laws...


Quote Of the Day 3/1

"Stop signs are relative to the speed you're going."
-Joe from home


Spitting on the fire of loneliness,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...